Cheeseburger Gothic

An Oral History of the Monster Wars

Posted Yesterday into House keeping by John Birmingham

Inspired by Steve Stirling’s imminent anthology I’d like to run an idea past you all. As you know, there are two Dave Hooper ebooks coming out later this year – although Dave is only mentioned in one (SOUL FULL OF GUNS), and appears as an extra in the other (A PROTOCOL FOR MONSTERS), with no point of view passages. These will be the last big releases for the series this year, but I have two other possible side projects involving the Dave, and potentially involving y’all, at least in one case.
I’d like to publish a collection of fanfic stories from Dave World, but in a very particular way. I want to collect eye witness accounts of the war between the UnderRealms and the Above. An obvious example of this format from recent genre fiction is World War Z, but WWZ was itself drawn from Studs Terkel’s excellent oral history of WW2, The Good War.


What I’m looking for are first hand accounts from all over the world of the week the monsters came back. It could be your personal account. You could take on the role of another. I’m going to write a bunch of them myself, and I’ll edit those that come in. Some, I'll edit heavily.
Now the deets and logistics.
I’m planning to release this as a free book, almost certainly self published. It’s an experiment. I won’t be getting paid. You won’t be getting paid. But there is of course a benefit to me.
It’s funny how that works out.
I’ll be using this book to gather email addresses for a newsletter I plan to start publishing in the second half of the year. Long story short, anyone can get this ebook for free. At the end of the book there’ll be a link to a sign up page for the newsletter. Anyone who signs up gets a second book for free. Probably Demons of Buttecracke County. Yes, I’m going there.
Buttecracke will also be a self published experiment (pending approval from the various publishing Death Stars) but it will be available in two ways. A couple of bucks to buy. Free for the price of an email address. I’ve been doing some research into newsletters and they’re a proven way to service a fan base with the added advantage of providing a channel under my control to augment publisher’s marketing efforts. That’s all very Inside Baseball, but it's important for me to put it out there up front. If you contribute a story to the oral history of the monster wars, I will ruthlessly exploit it to harvest those email addys. And all you’ll get in return is a thank you, and maybe a little pat on the butt next time we meet. If you have a firm and pleasing butt, I might even throw you a squeeze.
If anyone is up for it I’ll use the email from the last fanfic festival
miniburgerfanfic AT gmail dot com.
IN BRIEF:

1st person story. 250-2500 words
Eye witness accounts from the first days of the Monster Wars.
Pay day? Nope.
Attribution? Yep.
COPY DUE June 30

39 Responses to ‘An Oral History of the Monster Wars’

WA n'ker ducks in to say...

Posted Yesterday
You bastard!I had that idea for the fanfic, "World War M"But I had a case of digitus in anusitis. Standby, readying for extraction.

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Therbs would have you know...

Posted Yesterday
Haven't completed my original three parter. Might use it to inform a different but tied in first person thing. The beauty of the eye witness pov is just because Dave doesn't know it happened is irrelevant given that he's so self absorbed. Plenty of room to play.

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insomniac puts forth...

Posted Yesterday
I'll give it a go. I'll even try to be less dark than usual, although it seems like a pretty grim collection. I don't care about the non existent pay day. The involvement will be sufficient.

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tqft swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Yesterday
Will try and work the idea I had last time into an eyewitness account.Hopefully won't get anywhere near the drama around here as last time and get to finish.

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she_jedi mutters...

Posted Yesterday
Dammit, I'm still trying to finish my first bout of fanfic. Only discovered last week that writing part of it from Zach's point of view was a bust, and that it wouldn't work unless it was from Dave's point of view. He's SUCH a centre of attention whore. But yes, happy to give this a shot for a pat on the butt.

Murphy puts forth...

Posted Yesterday
I know exactly how to handle Zach's POV.

she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Yesterday
Cool! Any tips? :)

Murphy reckons...

Posted 13 hours ago
Get Dave out of the room.

she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted 7 hours ago
HA! Not helping Murph :)

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GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted Yesterday

Sounds like a plan - oh and I promise, whatever spews forth will not be written using scriptwriting software ... So help me SkyLord.

Rhino mutters...

Posted 21 hours ago
You could use scriptwriting software if you did a story as a "found footage" story. Someone's iPhone or camera found after the fact.
Genius, huh?
Kind of pissed (the Seppo use of the word) I am giving this idea away.

insomniac reckons...

Posted 19 hours ago
Your use of the word "pissed" is also acceptable here. Context is everything.

GhostSwirv has opinions thus...

Posted 17 hours ago
Hmmm, not bad ... I was thinking more the point that JB had to re-transcribe my last venture as the software clashed.

I'd like to be more compatible in the future.

Oh God - do I now have a Blood Debt to the Rhino?

Rhino asserts...

Posted 13 hours ago
All who live owe this debt.
But Boylan gets 20%.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted 23 hours ago
Time permitting, I'm in.

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Rhino reckons...

Posted 21 hours ago
Any other parameters like locations, etc?

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted 20 hours ago
Nope

insomniac mutters...

Posted 19 hours ago
How about the level of sweary?

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted 19 hours ago
Nope.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted 17 hours ago
How about extremely graphic but pithy (in the style of Hemingway) descriptions of small children being eaten?

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted 16 hours ago
Knock yourself out.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted 16 hours ago
Oh, heavens no. I was just testing your limits. You apparently have none. I very much approve.

insomniac asserts...

Posted 16 hours ago
Just to be clear on the limits, or lack thereof, what if the narrator of the first hand account is eating the small children?

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GhostSwirv asserts...

Posted 17 hours ago

I think that the Hipster Dufuss from Brunswick has found his way into the Melbourne Monster Altercation.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted 17 hours ago
When I read "Melbourne Monster Altercation" I flashed on a bunch of separatist anti-matter universe lesbians dressed as giant roaches chasing Hunn through St. Kilda into the ocean - and the Hunn are very frightened.

GhostSwirv mutters...

Posted 15 hours ago
I love your 'flash' ... of course for legal reasons they will be dark matter omniverse herbivores wearing Preying Mantis costumes leading Hunn on a Zumba-inspired dance through the Block Arcade.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted 15 hours ago
I am not concerned with legal concerns. I am far too busy wondering if the Decoy is still alive and, if so, whether or not he has sufficient Warrior Spirit to warrant a Dave-like transformation.

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Rob ducks in to say...

Posted 16 hours ago

What a neat idea and I love 'a Good War'. Probably one of our favourite books in our house. World War Z being an excellent copy of the format.

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John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted 15 hours ago
I hadn't, but he confirms a lot of my own research.

T2 puts forth...

Posted 5 hours ago
One nice thing about not being a toady anymore is that I didn't even know these books were out yet. I read the Axis of Time trilogy because time travel interests me. Now I'll see if JB writes other stuff that I like? More to follow if...

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted 5 hours ago
Damn. I thought the toady ranks looked a little thin.

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Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted 13 hours ago
OK, here is my first entry:
Police Interviews With Witnesses of the Kansas City Incursion.
"No shit Officer, I swear on my mother's grave it's true. That little swarthy guy over there, yeah him, he was swinging bottles and cackling like a demon. And then, that guy next to him wearing the Stetson, yeah, he was doing a 2-step on those little praying mantis things. No, no, I know how this must sound, but no, wait, that ain't all. See that professor looking guy over there? Yeah, he was chopping those things like a food processor on crack. I know, nuts, right? But the craziest craziest thing had to be that fat guy in the kilt smashing a freakin' monster with a potato masher. It was a nightmare and I didn't know who I was more afraid of, the old guys or the little monsters."

Murphy mutters...

Posted 13 hours ago
I think I was hiding under the bar with a double neat of Bulleit during this one. ;)

Rhino mumbles...

Posted 13 hours ago
Just wait until the wedding.

GhostSwirv puts forth...

Posted 12 hours ago

You had me at ... 'with a double neat of Bulleit'.

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Darth Greybeard would have you know...

Posted 12 hours ago
Here I go again...

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Ceramic mumbles...

Posted 6 hours ago
I'll give it a go as well. Not so good at fiction myself, but it'll be a nice incentive - to maybe be in a book.
As to not getting paid... Meh. It'll just be a different type of voluntary job. Anyway, sounds cool.

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sparty2 puts forth...

Posted 8 minutes ago
can we get a "canon " time line- i.e. when Drakon first appear etc -when the various Dave battles happen..?

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Fifi and Jules return next week

Posted Tuesday by John Birmingham

Pete too. And the disgracefully stinky feet of the ever treacherous Shoeless Dan. Steve Stirling's Anthology of The Change drops in store with an 18 000 word 'short' story which finds the crew of the Diamantina sailing into an alternate-alternate history. It was huge fun to write and I was very grateful for the chance to revisit those characters again.

You can get it from the Beast of Bezos below.

I'll see if any Australian distributors will have it in stock and if so link to them as well.

8 Responses to ‘Fifi and Jules return next week’

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Surtac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Tuesday

Pre-ordered.


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tqft ducks in to say...

Posted Tuesday
1) turn adblocker off, at least whitelist cheeseburgergothic.2) add to wishlist, can't find all the physical books I own right now, let alone buy more. Might way for an e-version

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Murphy would have you know...

Posted Tuesday
Well, at least we don't have to worry about some asshole turning Fifi into hamburger this time around.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted Yesterday
Yeah, fuck that guy.

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NBlob would have you know...

Posted Yesterday
Mr Stirling, or at least his online persona ain't the nicest human I've met, but when those one admires &/or respects are Giddy FanBois it would be hollow asceticism to not give it a go.

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Rhino reckons...

Posted 21 hours ago
Pre-Rhino.
Fuck that.
Damn, I will still buy it. Damn me to hell for my affluence.

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Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted 21 hours ago
Oh, man, got me to thinking about The Rhino in that world.
Think Conan crossed with The Hound.

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Respond to 'Fifi and Jules return next week'

God bless dem Redneck Avengers - Bad Lip Reading

Posted Monday into Lunch Time Video by John Birmingham

Black Widow, if possible, is even sexier.

13 Responses to ‘God bless dem Redneck Avengers - Bad Lip Reading’

Chris B mumbles...

Posted Monday
I knew Thor's weakness was Pork.

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Cintamani mumbles...

Posted Monday
it almost makes me want to watch!

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dweeze mumbles...

Posted Monday
Ahh gots me a kazoo.

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Hamish Campbell mutters...

Posted Monday
Dang, yow shud see ha in ha bestest wig.

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Murphy ducks in to say...

Posted Tuesday
wow

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Rhino reckons...

Posted Tuesday
Now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are.
Stolen from Larry the Cable Guy, sorry.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted Tuesday
Hilarious. But I like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Krz-dyD-UQ

combined with this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BiODEobbug

just a little bit better.

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GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted Tuesday

Fer zumm gosh-darned raison alls eye could think 'bout was Firefly.

Ahh sure do miss Cap'n Mal.

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted Tuesday
I'm working my way through it on Netflix right now.

tqft swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Tuesday
;) http://imgur.com/gallery/A30xW

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GhostSwirv is gonna tell you...

Posted Tuesday


I have the complete box set of Firefly on DVD - sadly only 14 episodes, released long before Netflix was just a pixel glint in a programmer's eye.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted Tuesday
Yeah, I got that too. But, you know, having to walk all the way over to the dvd player...

GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted Yesterday

You JB, are such a Dave ... oh umm, no wait?

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Our thoughts go out to Tyger Tim

Posted Monday by John Birmingham

TT popped a comment into one of the threads beflow, but it more appropriately desrves it's own entry. My condolences, Tyger:

John, I was inspired by the burger, and memories of my father and other family members to write the following - it means a lot to me, and I just wanted to share it with you. I couldn't find a really good place so, here it is...post it her or anywhere more appropriate... in other news, Patty passed away April 21st, of cancer. It was painless, peaceful and we were all there. She fondly remembered speaking to you on the phone when you came to San Francisco on the Book Signing tour. Patty would tell me that after Colleen McCullough, you were her favorite Aussie Author....

Memorial Day is here again. A few years ago, I had the good fortune to be hanging out on my online buddy John Birminghams blog Cheeseburger Gothic. It was Remembrance Day, the Australian version of Memorial Day. There was controversy, fueled by an anti-war activist whom berated us for glorifying and celebrating War. John Birmingham very eloquently pointed out that the holiday was in remembrance of what we had lost, and the sacrifices made by those who chose to stand between their homes, their loved ones, their country, and the Wars desolation. So, Memorial Day is the Day we remember, the price paid by those who stand between.

3 Responses to ‘Our thoughts go out to Tyger Tim’

Murphy ducks in to say...

Posted Monday
Amen.
May they all rest easy now, those we have lost.
Murph

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Monday
Visit again, TT. You're always welcome.

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Chaz reckons...

Posted Tuesday
what Prof Boylan said

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Sample chapter: A Protocol for Monsters

Posted Thursday into Book Extract by John Birmingham

Prologue. The Autopsy.

“Bit of a thickhead,” muttered Emmeline as she leaned into the job of taking off the top of the xenomorph’s skull. A few of the others laughed nervously. It wasn’t a particularly funny joke, but they needed the release. She had already burned through one large blade on the heavy duty autopsy saw. This thing really did have a remarkably thick skull. Thick enough that she wondered how much room could be left inside for the brainpan, especially given how much of it’s cranium was taken up by an outsized mouth and hundreds of needle-like teeth. All of them clotted with human flesh.

The noise of the cutting implement came through the radio interface of her biohazard suit as an unpleasant whine, almost a hot scream.

Professor Emmeline Ashbury set her features in stone as the last of the resistance gave way and the heavy bowl of bone came loose. She grunted in relief. Her arms were growing tired and shaky. She was going to have to get one of the others to break open the chest cavity.

“Compton should be here,” said Metcalf.

“Professor Compton is not here because Professor Compton gets a little wobbly spooning dog food out of a can,” said Emmeline as she pried off the top of the creature’s skull. “Face planting into my post mortem examination is not the best use of his time.”

The heavy skull cap came away with a sticky pulling sound and revealed a bizarre cranial cluster that looked like it was all brain stem and cerebellum. Or perhaps cerebella, given the multiple nodules she could already see.

“Jesus, that looks like spaghetti and meatballs,” said Wally Hicks.

“No. You’re wrong, Wally,” Emmeline said. “More like tagliatelle con spinaci and meatballs. Or maybe cervelli agnelli.”

There was a pause while the junior staff waited for her to translate the obscure reference. Probably wetting themselves in fear of being called on to explain.

“Lambs brains,” Emmeline said. “See?” She snipped one of the structures free of the tubing that connected it to the other cerebella and popped the tiny lump of grey matter into a stainless steel tray.

“It’s not really grey matter,” she added, for the benefit of the video recorder. “More greenish and purple I’d say. At any rate, first biopsy, Master Hicks.”

The helmet of Wally’s biohazard suit dipped forward in acknowledgement and he carried the tray away to cold storage. They would take a small cut of the tissue to examine here on the Longreach with the equipment the military had flown out for them, but the real work would begin back on the mainland when the bodies of the xenomorphs arrived at Area 7.

The rest of the team leaned in over the corpse to get a better look at the cerebral mass as Emmeline extracted it from the skull. The eyes of the thing stared sightless and milky at the theatre lights. There were two large black orbs, but at least another eight smaller eyeballs between and around them, not unlike that of a spider. With so much visual data to process Emmeline had expected to see enlarged occipital lobes, but there no lobes of any kind. No single cerebrum at all.

“Jesus that’s grotesque,” said Metcalf. “It’s nothing like the Greys.”

“No reason why it should be,” Emmeline said patiently. “We have no idea yet where these creatures originated or how they got here. But their technologies aren’t Grey.”

“More like fucking Dark Ages,” came Metcalf’s reply inside her helmet. His breathing sounded harsh in the helmet speakers and she could see his features were shiny with sweat behind the faceplate. The DoD man was not new to this sort of operation. He was familiar with extremophile possibilities. But like all of them, he’d been shocked at what they’d found on the oil rig. And, like all of them, he knew there’d be no sweeping this one under the rug. This wasn’t a lone spaceship, it’s crew cold and dead for thousands of years, crashing into the desert hundreds of miles from the nearest speck of civilisation.

There were witnesses, over a hundred of whom had not been eaten by… by whatever this thing was. They would already be out there telling their stories. Selling their phone cam images and videos.

The Office would have to move quickly. Not to contain this, or even to control it, but rather to control the fear and confusion that would spread from it as a contagion. Emmeline knew all about containing fear and confusion.

“Abdomen next,” she announced.

“Scalpel?”

That was Cadence Ramsay, the molecular biologist who’d joined the Office from the European Space Agency just three months ago.

“I don’t think so, Cady,” said Emmeline. “Not if its scalp is any guide. I think we might need a bayonet from one of those marines out by the door. A sharp one.”

“Way ahead of you, Professor,” Jack Metcalf said, turning around to the second stainless steel trolley and producing a long, evil looking knife. It was not a medical instrument.

“I see you were a boy scout before you became a licensed killer, Mr Metcalf. Think you’re up to doing the Y-incision?” she asked. “I’m afraid I need a few minutes to get my strength back after sawing through it’s thick skull.”

“Not a problem.”

Metcalf set to the task of cutting a deep Y into the upper torso, so that they might peel away the skin, but like Emmeline he found the going tough.

“It’s like leather,” he said, and the sound of his voice in her helmet speakers told Emmeline he was gritting his teeth. “Really. Shitty. Leather.”

The creature’s hide seemed to be inked with some form of display. Tattoos, she thought. It was also covered in weeping sores and pustules, which gave way easily before the blade erupting with a greenish yellow discharge. Other blemishes, which looked like giant warts, proved so tough that Metcalf was eventually forced to cut around them. It took him a few minutes to make the whole incision and when they peeled back the skin she could see why. The dermis was up to an inch thick in places and as tough as old boot leather, save for those areas weakened by lesions and suppurating ulcers. There were enough of these that the creature’s hide presented more as a patchwork than a whole intact derma.

Metcalf and Hicks pulled back the skin to reveal a bone cage.

It was not like a human rib cage, with individual ribs held together by muscle and fibre. Instead, the creature’s torso, and presumably its vital innards were protected by a solid fibrous mass of something like cartilage.

“I think we’re going to need a very large pair of bolt cutters,” Emmeline mused.

“Or a chainsaw,” said Metcalf. His voice was flat. She did not think he was joking, but she could never really trust her own judgement in such things.

Emmeline checked the large clock on the opposite wall. 19:43 hours.

“Lets just try the bolt cutters first. We do have them?”

“Yep.”

They had two more corpses of this type to examine. And the enormous one on the gurney in the hallway outside. It was obviously a different species. Possibly even from another genus or family. She would come at it last, learning what she could from the smaller creatures first. This was going to be very long day. It had not turned out at all as she had expected.

27 Responses to ‘Sample chapter: A Protocol for Monsters’

Surtac mutters...

Posted Thursday

Nice. Looking forward to the rest of it.

When can we expect to see it, please?

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted Thursday
Probably Octoberish

Brother PorkChop puts forth...

Posted Thursday
What year?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted Thursday
Don't push it. He said October. Let it be.

Murphy puts forth...

Posted Thursday
If you rush him, he'll kill a Stark.

Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted Thursday
He can kill all the Starks he likes, just don't touch the fluffy, cuddly little Boltons.

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ShaneAlpha reckons...

Posted Thursday
Time to get your own back JB. There's sure to be a monster that develops a taste for possum.

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Thursday
It appears that writing from Dave's POV in the primary trilogy of trilogies (I'm calling it) opens up many more opportunities for secondary stories than your other trilogies might have.

Also, can't wait for more.

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GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted Thursday

JB as I immersed myself in Emmerline's investigation of the origin of the species, with the able-bodied assistance of Jack & Cady, I couldn't help but wonder if at some time in the post-October future all of the interweaving chapters and e-books etc., detailing the non-Dave characters and events of Emergence, Resistance & Ascendance would be accessible in a some chronological digital form.

So that one could read the whole grand adventure not just through the eyes of TheDave but through every other character significant to the overarching story as it happened to them - regardless of what Hooper was up to.

Whatever was sacrificed in speed would be supplemented in the depth of knowledge and suspense about what was happening to everyone else ... besides TheDave worrying about where his next meal and booty call was coming from.

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted Thursday
I have plans.

GhostSwirv has opinions thus...

Posted Thursday

Blofeld has plans.

Sudragon is gonna tell you...

Posted Thursday
And a cat.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted Friday
And custom made threads. Imagine Blofeld's interactions with his tailor.

Lulu would have you know...

Posted Friday
"Do you have a fabric which won't show cat hair easily? It's a white cat, so nothing dark, thanks."

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HAVOCK21 mumbles...

Posted Thursday
OCTOBER..that would be both the FIRST of October and October this fkn year ...BOYLAN!!!!

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Ceramic would have you know...

Posted Thursday
Ooh, nice little taster.
I like the line 'she knew all about containing fear and confusion'. How she tried to describe the grey matter exactly was funny, and totally something i'd do. Interesting stuff John.

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Rob asserts...

Posted Thursday

I want to buy more JB books ( right after I buy a hoodie)

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Peter Bradley would have you know...

Posted Thursday
Very nice description of an autopsy. I am interested in what the application of molecular biology will elucidate. I suppose the first question is are they DNA based?

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Peter Bradley asserts...

Posted Thursday
Very nice description of an autopsy. I am interested in what the application of molecular biology will elucidate. I suppose the first question is are they DNA based?

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she_jedi would have you know...

Posted Thursday
I can feel a 'squeeeeeeee' coming on. Shut up and take my money :)

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Sparty2 would have you know...

Posted Thursday
"Area 7" -Matt Reilly shout out? I expected it to go all "the thing"!

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted Thursday
Yep. Totes.

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@DrWom is gonna tell you...

Posted Friday
I'll have weeping sores and pustules, which give way easily before the blade erupting with a greenish yellow dischargeWith my scrambled eggs thanks
Love the Awesome JB

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Chad has opinions thus...

Posted Friday
that seems to be alot of spacific information about some aliens there alittle curious about that and if that may be some sort of skylord hint?

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GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted Friday

All these references to Greys, Area 7 and alien crash landings has me of a mind of the short-lived television series ... "Dark Skies" - from the mid-90s.

An alternate historical perspective on the events of the 20th century, framed through the lens of a covert war between opposing alien forces hoping to colonise the Earth.

... of course you know all this JB, because you have plans.

And a cat

Maybe a favourite tailor or two

And a penchant for White Ruler-Of-The-World-Safari-Suits

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Anthony swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Friday

And a hovercraft...


Grays and spaceships...


The expanding Birmoverse gets curiouser and curiouser said Alice!


Roll on October.

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sibeen ducks in to say...

Posted Saturday
I read this two days ago and haven't been able to get the Hot Chocolate song "Emma" out of my head ever since.
You Bastard!

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Burger Merch

Posted May 20 into House keeping by John Birmingham

And so it begins.

The Burger Shop.

I went with Redbubble on Wolfcat's recommendation. I can't vouch for them yet because I have no idea whether they're any good. But I've decided to dogfood my own merch by ordering a hoodie and a coffee mug.

I'll let you know if it's any good. I'm thinking about getting the art done again because it shows up as a solid block on any colour other than white. My inclination is to wait until I get my order before putting the Splodey Burger art up too, but if anyone is especially keen, let me know and I'll do it now.

82 Responses to ‘Burger Merch’

Rob mutters...

Posted May 20
I bought a TISM teeshirt on redbubble. Its OK, but not a very trendy fittted teeshirt. So its kinda generic in that way. So its not like buying from a Rock Band Merch store, where they sell the nice slim fit teeshirts. My son has a redbubble store and the teeshirts we bought were OK when it was black/or colour on white material but the white on black can be a bit plasticky which is a bit naff if you live in the tropics and you end up a bit sticky underneath it.

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GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted May 20


I like the size of the coffe mug JB - still want some bright-burger though to design a Little Threshy clinging to a straw to drink my Antartica Java.

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HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted May 20
cool, but I want HAVOCK on MINE! as well fkn!

Blarkon mumbles...

Posted May 20
Where's the HAVOCK Merch?
FKN MUPPETS edition V12 Ute?CAP THE FKRS hats?HAVIN A FKN SHANDY hip flasks?Havock21 Branded Kate Beckinsale Real Doll?


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HAVOCK21 asserts...

Posted May 20
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!is a studio fkn pouch? FFSAKES! or have they renamed the pussy fkn man bag thingmafknjig again

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted May 20
But I designed that specially for your cake baking tools.

HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted May 20
ROFL...ya fkn muppet!

pi reckons...

Posted Thursday
y'z r talkin like a coupla fkn wankrz.

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damian mutters...

Posted May 20
I bought the "I just want to fight tories - that's what I do" fighting Albo t-shirt from Redbubble a few years back. Quality is pretty good. I expect it to hang on credibly for a few years, even with tumble drying.
Some of these topical shirts don't last very well. I still have a screen printed "We interrupt this broadcast for a military coup" 4ZZZ t-shirt from 1989 (the paint was still wet when I bought that...), and sadly the fabric just hasn't lasted very well. I say "still have", but that means it's in a plastic box under the house somewhere. S'pose it's the sort of thing you could dig out and frame, if not totally shredded.

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HAVOCK21 asserts...

Posted May 20
im thinking it should be available in DPM as well!. Would be cool

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Barnesm reckons...

Posted May 20
Your photo on the merch site looks like one of the War Boys from Mad Max: Fury Road.

Sudragon mutters...

Posted May 20
It could be delibrerate....

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Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted May 20
Also I can't find the hoodie on the site just T shirts.

HAVOCK21 mumbles...

Posted May 20
you forgot!...hes FKN OLD. SHEEEIT I bought a puffer and hoodie all in one the other day!....H is ROCKING IT WITH THE TIMES!

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted May 20
Hoodies are filed under tee shirts

HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted May 20
LOL...well that figures!

Guru Bob asserts...

Posted May 20
Unfortunately that site only has sizes up to 3XL which is fine for all of you short arsed but doesn't cut it for someone of my stature...

Rhino would have you know...

Posted May 21
Unisex tshirts?!?!? WTF. How about manly Rhino and GB tshirts!

Anthony is gonna tell you...

Posted Saturday

What's wrong with Unisex - I had lots of sex when I was at Uni...


Well, some anyway.

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Abe Frellman mumbles...

Posted May 20
I think we've reached peak cheeseburger.
Remember when we used to talk about politics and economics and financial crises and how much smarter than everyone else Lobes is?

GhostSwirv is gonna tell you...

Posted May 20

I think I saw that last comment on a tee-shirt once.

Lobes would have you know...

Posted May 20
Some of us are still having that conversation Abe, even if I have to yell it at the moon.

Blarkon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Thursday
Where's the shirt with 3 Lobes shouting at the moon?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted Thursday
I have t T shirt with a smiling, happy, middle class family on the front, and on the back reads "I see it—coming here—hell-wind—titan blur—black wings—Yog-Sothoth save me—the three-lobed burning eye!!"

A T Shirt with 3 lobes, indeed.

Abe Frellman mutters...

Posted Thursday
Three Lobes, the perfect foil to Brainthrust Leonard. I feel another Bedak play coming on.

Lobes ducks in to say...

Posted Friday
Threes a crowd guys

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted Saturday
If there is another Bedak play, I want to play Mr. Bishara, the gruff, but lovable Syrian landlord.

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Lobes puts forth...

Posted May 20
Im on board with this but seriously keep your coffee mug, where are the stubbie coolers?

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted May 20
Where indeed.

ShaneAlpha would have you know...

Posted Friday
But surely stubbie holders will hide the label of the refined artisanal brew that the average burger quaffs thus depriving the lesser plebs of the sight of their betters enjoying themselves.

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Guru Bob ducks in to say...

Posted May 20
Mmm stubbie coolers...

NBlob mumbles...

Posted Friday
My light green Tassie Babes (a nod to Man Clumsy) stubby cooler has a B rating. B rated Stubby coolers can leave home for a very short & frequently reviewed list of venues, also they can be lent to visitors at home, as compared to A rated.

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Murphy mutters...

Posted May 21
I think our mascot naturally has to be a cigar chompin', machine gun totin', Rhino.

Rhino reckons...

Posted Friday
I like the cut of your jib, Murph.

Murphy is gonna tell you...

Posted Friday
Skilz.

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Murphy ducks in to say...

Posted May 21
Oh, beer mugs! We need beer mugs with Cheeseburger Gothic etched on them!

Bunyip mutters...

Posted May 21
Whiskey glasses as well.

Brother PorkChop mutters...

Posted Thursday
I can get them - nicely etched glasses

Surtac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Thursday

Yes - we need whiskey glasses.


Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted Thursday
I am on it.

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she_jedi mumbles...

Posted May 21
And shirts cut for the ladieeez. Even if it's just me and I'm being inconveniently demanding. Unisex cuts are fine if you're sans curves but seriously unflattering if you have boobage.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted Thursday
Huzzah for boobage.

ShaneAlpha mutters...

Posted Friday
So, a ladies The Dave Tshirt with Dave printed at stomach level and looking up?

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted Friday
Hahahahahaha

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Abe Frellman reckons...

Posted Thursday
On reflection (ie I've spotted an angle that helps me) maybe you could expand this concept to a Cheeseburger Gothic Bazaar...where all your old favourites could sell their wares under the Burger banner. While I don't think even my Spicy Spicy Merguez (TM) would survive being sent through the mail, there is plenty of Frellman's merch that would go ok here. And let's face it, there's a certain Vistaprint Sameness (TM pending) to the range at the moment... I think you'd really get the hearts racing with a few "Frellman's - the ONLY sausage worth hiding" t-shirts / lunchboxes / condoms, now wouldn't you?
So how's about it?
Symbiosis FTW!

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted Thursday
My people will in contact. With your sausage.

GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted Thursday

JB, I seriously recommend you get 'your people - AKA ThePNB' to begin negotiations with LEGO to licence the designs of the Horde, including Sliveen, Drakens and of course the Scooby Gang, featuring TheDave.

The Hunn may need some extra loin cloths but I'm sure there's a market for this type of merch amongst the die-hard Burger fans.

Abe Frellman swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Thursday
frellmanATgmail.com

Anthony is gonna tell you...

Posted Saturday
If it features the Frellman sausage, shouldn't it be a Cheeseburger Bizarre?

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HAVOCK21 puts forth...

Posted Thursday
BAR MAT!

Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted Thursday
Body armour

Bunyip swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Friday
Body armour that can be used as a bar mat.

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Blarkon reckons...

Posted Thursday
John Birmingham Action Figure with Gold Plated Hovercraft Playset. Bunnies and Apple Watch Accessories Sold Separately.

yankeedog mutters...

Posted Thursday
And Kung-Fu Grip...

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Quokka puts forth...

Posted Thursday
http://www.aswegrowlearningtoys.com.au/WebRoot/ecshared01/Shops/asas3498/531E/8CD2/2A3B/A65B/381F/AC10/0040/8DA6/Possum_0020_hand_0020_puppet_0020_As_0020_We_0020_Grow_0020_learning_0020_Toys_0020_Adelaide_0020_Puppets.jpg
Where is the JB hand puppet to go with this?

Quokka mutters...

Posted Thursday
Well that's sad. Why didn't the link to the possum hand pocket work? Don't tell me you've managed to possum proof your blog but not your ceiling.

insomniac asserts...

Posted Friday
Possum hand pocket

Type your text first, then select, then click on LINK and add the url

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Chaz mutters...

Posted Thursday
I mean who wears white hoodies (except EDL yobs?)

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yankeedog ducks in to say...

Posted Thursday
Well, all right. Might have to put in for a T-shirt or a hoodie...or maybe get a little comp, you know, for being a long time Friend Of The Program...

Nah, congrats!

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Rhino would have you know...

Posted Thursday
The beer mugs must be skulls.

Brother PorkChop puts forth...

Posted Thursday
Drop Bear skulls

Blarkon puts forth...

Posted Thursday
Possum skulls

NBlob asserts...

Posted Friday
Hunn skulls. Who is to say if they are & morphologicly inaccurate.

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BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted Thursday
You're quite blatantly leaning to the left in your Redbubble mug shot. I'd be expecting a call from Malcolm Turnbull soon.

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BigWillieStyle puts forth...

Posted Thursday
A Ducati would make a good addition to the merch list.

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Peter Bradley ducks in to say...

Posted Thursday
Christmas.....sorted!

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HAVOCK21 mumbles...

Posted Thursday
OI!..customisation!

Lt Colonel A H P B52 FKN DRIVER

BAck side.

I FKN FLATTENED New YORK!

Rhino would have you know...

Posted Friday
Havok, old man, we are old news. Sent to the island of characters past.
There I'll be no merch for the likes of us.

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NBlob mutters...

Posted Friday
OT but very burger-relevant. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-22/australia-next-submarine-fleet-obsolete-due-to-drone-warfare/6488618

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NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted Saturday
Casino beef week? What fresh madness is this. Beef week is BeefweekNo impersonation, replication nor substitution of such an institution will be Tolerated.This affront shall not stand.I impeach thee, summon the 1000. Ready the War Elephant. This agri-whore, stained with the use by tractor salesmen and tordon reps, dare pull her rags about her and mimic, nay ape the most sacred, the most pure and good Beefweek.

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted Saturday
Nice try, NBlob. But your beef week only goes for 6 days, my beef week goes for a full week and a half. Oh yeah, baby....I think that's a slam dunk!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted Sunday
I know of Clams Casino. I know of Oysters Casino. I even know of a mixed cocktail called a Casino. But I've never heard of Beef Casino. Apparently there is such a thing, and your convivial rivalry over who's Casino Beef tastes the best is a strong indicator that it is delicious and prized. But regardless of how good it tastes, why eat it for an entire week? Is this sort of a reverse-Lent kind of thing that is a hallmark of your Godless society, where, instead of abstaining, you overindulge for a week?

In the end I really don't care about any of that. But I would like to know where I can get some.

NBlob mutters...

Posted Sunday
No beef for you. 2 weeks.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted Monday
Fuck you. You aren't the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do. I eat what I want.

In all honesty, I don't eat a lot of beef. Cattle ranching results in deforestation and leaves an enormous carbon footprint upon the earth. And beef is seriously unhealthy.

But because you told me I can't eat beef, I'm gonna eat all I can! And then some! And then I'm gonna eat some more! THAT its the American Way. And I'm gonna hold my assault rifle - with the safety switched off - and wear my "God Makes Weather to Reward the Righteous and Punish the Wicked" T-shirt and smoking a cigarette and drinking a really, really big plastic bucket full of brand name cola while I'm gorging on all that non organic, mega-farm produced beef. THAT is what liberty is all about.

And, damn it, I'm gonna find a recipe for Casino Beef. If I can find a reasonably appealing recipe for Fruit Bat Soup (cumin is key) then how on earth can the recipe for Casino Beef be so hard to find?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted Monday
My wife just informed me that "Casino Beef Week" is an annual festival held in Casino (a small town southwest of Mullumbimby) celebrating the cattle industry - an annual celebration similar to the Monterey Squid Festival and the Gilroy Garlic Festival here in California. So there is no recipe for Casino Beef, which explains why I cannot locate one.

I feel such the fool. And no amount of convenient jingoism provides a remedy, even if illusory.

Fucking Australians.

insomniac asserts...

Posted Monday
I was in Tamworth over the weekend. Home to beef farmers and country music and the Big Golden Guitar. It's so big and so golden that we drove straight past it without noticing it, in the middle of the day, with blazing sunshine. It was a disappointment to say the least. I was also disappointed in the townsfolk, who in prime cowboy country, failed to be getting around in the appropriate clothing. I won't be going there again any time soon.

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Anthony reckons...

Posted Saturday

The Cheeseburger series of automatic weapons?

Perhaps a series of axes? (The axes of evil?)

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Bangar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Monday
A range of Burger knives perhaps?

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Rhino mutters...

Posted Tuesday
Dolls. Errrr, I meant collectible action figures.

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Respond to 'Burger Merch'