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Yoga with Goats

Posted April 3 into Funny by John Birmingham

It's a thing. Seriously. And it's a thing I dicuss in today's Alien Side Boob.

You are receiving this email because you are a bro who needs yoga in his life. Or you know a bro who needs some yoga in his life. And all bros do, so that is why you received this email.

Before you stab viciously at the delete button, examine your feelings right now. That sick sense of dizziness which came out of nowhere when you opened this email? That sudden free floating rage? That pain in your arm and crushing weight on your chest? That’s the absence of yoga silently screaming at full volume in your chakra.

5 Responses to ‘Yoga with Goats’

jl reckons...

Posted April 3
ASB is always good for laughs. Just like goats are.

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insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted April 3
I prefer my goat in curried form, perhaps with a dollop of yoghurt.

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Oldy has opinions thus...

Posted April 5
I did Bikram Yoga once, and it was entirely for the reason you mention in the column - that unbearably, heartbreakingly gorgeous (and ridiculously flexible) hot white chick who conned me into doing it.

I'm a 6'2 120kg former footballer, a year older than you are, so me doing yoga of any kind is always hilarious. But I totally would have done it three times a week if I could be guaranteed the mat next to that unbearably, heartbreakingly gorgeous (and ridiculously flexible) hot white chick.

Pathetic? Whatever. I'm not ashamed. Getting through life enjoying the view is half the battle, I reckon!

jason would have you know...

Posted April 5
I hear you. I hadn't played squash for a long time but pulled on the runners again in order to have a reason to be around a certain hot blonde that I had fallen for. Luckily for me I didn't hurt myself too badly and ended up marrying the hot blonde. Worth every pulled muscle and painful morning.

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted April 5
As the Buddha teaches, the love of hot white chicks is the root of all suffering.

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Book schedule changes

Posted March 28 into Writing by John Birmingham

I've been looking at my sales figures and my schedule for the year and have decided to tweak the order in which I work on this year's titles. I'm deep into The Cruel Stars at the moment and will kick on with that for another five or six weeks.

I had intended to then start WW 3.1, but I'm going to push that back to second half of the year to concentrate on The Golden Minute (or Girl in Time 2, if you prefer) and then a mass market thriller called Sleeper Agent.


The numbers. I'll make a lot more money off Golden Minute, and have been accepted into a box set deal for Sleeper Agent, so they get priority.

I'm still doing WW 3.1 and Stronghold (Dave 4) but they'll be released for Father's Day and Christmas respectively

And I'm still looking for fan fic across the the various storyworlds if people are interested.

19 Responses to ‘Book schedule changes’

NBlob reckons...

Posted March 28
I'm a little surprised the spooky blue AI allows such fripperies to influence scheduling.

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jason would have you know...

Posted March 29

Is there a word length limit for the fan fic stuff. I just figured if it goes to far we cant list you as a primary author so lose some visibility.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 29
Hmm. Interesting question. I guess about 8000 words if you got that in you.

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Surtac ducks in to say...

Posted March 30
Sounds like you have a plan there John. And after all, you're the one writing for food.

Me, I'll puchase and read anything you want to publish when it's available.

Btw, I found/ recovered the AoT story I wrote for the original fan fic festival on Journalspace all those years ago. Is it ok to polish and resubmit that one?

I do have a follow-up story in early development too. Must get cracking on that.

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted March 30
Yep. Happy to take pre-loved fanfic

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Bondiboy66 reckons...

Posted March 30
Like Surtac I'm happy with anything! Although the next installment of The Dave would be nice....but The Golden Minute would be cool too.

As I'm rereading the AoT books at the moment I am moved to ask: has any cash rich folks talked about movie/TV treatments of...well...anything? Mind you, any of your stories would be bloody expensive and special effects laden. Hence the 'cash rich' thing.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted March 30
All sorts of movie and tv people have expressed an interest at various times. But movie and tv people are infamous bullshitters.

Rob reckons...

Posted March 31
TV people are the worst (I'm shooting some TV on Monday, this sentence is bought to you by ironic detachment)

Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted March 31
Yes there is that BS factor in the televisual game...I seem to recall Harry Harrison had sold the movie/TV rights to his Stainless Steel Rat books several times. People bought the rights with a time limit to make something, they would then NOT do it, rights went back to Harry who flogged them off again. I understand he was quite happy with this arrangement!

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Rob would have you know...

Posted March 31
should be the Dave for fathers day.

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Dave The Siberian Hamster mutters...

Posted April 3
Have you thought of doing them as a Manga Series?

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Dave The Siberian Hamster ducks in to say...

Posted April 3
Have you thought of doing them as a Manga Series?

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Dave C reckons...

Posted April 3
Plan looks good. Am intrigued what a JB mass market title will look like? Pretty sure there'll be less swinging demon junk and waking up with gladiators. Mental note to self, gotta bludgeon my keyboard to squish out my next twisted fan mash...

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Elie Abitbol ducks in to say...

Posted April 13
Hi John,

I'm a big fan of The Axis of Time and Stalin's Hammer. I just finished reading Paris and i can't wait to read WW 3.1 ! You ended Paris in quite a dramatic cliffhanger and i really want to know what happens next.
Please keep me updated on the release date.

Kind regards,


John Birmingham mutters...

Posted April 14
Hey Elie. If you're on my newsletter you'll hear all about it.
You can sign on at

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted April 14
Elie, be forewarned- JB's scheduling can be described a "fluid," "dynamic," or perhaps even "mercurial" in so much as He promises explodey Space Opera and delivers, well with all due respect, a pair of old coots rabbiting on about sport, music, booze & artisnal cheeses.

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Eric Willhelm is gonna tell you...

Posted Thursday
Fair enough and understandable. I eagerly await WW 3.1 but in the mean time, I'll just keep using the Without Warning setting for my table top Role Playing Game.

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Jack S is gonna tell you...

Posted Thursday
I just want to know what happened to poor old Buster Cherry. Re-read the books recently but couldn't find his specific demise. Probably killed in Hawaii?

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted 11 hours ago
Hmm. I was pretty sure he died in Hawaii. I'll have to check.

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No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?

Posted March 28 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Just because I mocked the hardy frontier image of hardy frontier Queensland in Blunty:

There's nothing tough about refusing to evacuate in the face of a cyclone.

If you survive the winds and roaring storm surge you were just lucky, not resilient.

Cyclone's path: 'please leave'

North Queensland residents in the direct line of Cyclone Debbie should "take this seriously" as emergency crews prepare for "significant damage". Nine News

If the eye turns away and looks for somewhere else to destroy, same deal.

But if you live on the coast and you simply wait for the blast front and the tsunami because some pissweak little storm isn't going to scare you away, you're living in denial at best.

At worst, you're a selfish idiot who will endanger the lives of everyone who has to come to your aid.

I'm sure Lord Bob has all the feelz about this issue.

5 Responses to ‘No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?’

WarDog swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 28
But it's a fake storm!
And besides Australia doesn't exist anyway.
You're just a figment of my imagination.

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insomniac would have you know...

Posted March 28
There will be some moron out there looking for a monster wave.

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pitpat mutters...

Posted March 28
A master class in the dark art

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Lulu asserts...

Posted March 29
There are the people who refuse to evacuate, and then there are the ones who decide it would be an excellent time to ... kitesurf.

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AKM. ducks in to say...

Posted April 3
Same thing just up the hill in Lismore. Last big flood to put the CBD under 9 foot of water was in 1974- they built a levee in the 90's, which saved us from several knee-to-waist deep floods, (Last time June last year) but this time went over and filled the city like a blocked dunny from a bucket flush. River hit 11.65 m, major flooding.
So many folks forgot the lessons, ignored the SES, council and BOM warning, good mates amongst them.
Complacency bit them on the arse, big time......

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The upside of Sputnik hysteria

Posted March 27 by John Birmingham

From today's ASB:

It was Stephen King who told me that for every era there was a movie, specifically a horror movie. And no, he didn’t tell me personally. But he did write it in Danse Macabre, the extended teaser trailer for his later how-to book On Writing. King had a theory that the defining fears of an era work themselves out in its pulp fiction.

It seemed profound when I read it (but I was fourteen and at that age the lyrics to Dr Hook’s “You Make My Pants Want To Get Up And Dance” could seem profound). The King cited convincing support for his theory from 1950s cinema, a golden era for terrible alien invasion flicks. Deranged howlers like Plan 9 From Outer Space and serious genre efforts like the The Day The Earth Stood Still—come on, it won a Golden Globe, people—all landed on fertile ground prepared by ‘Sputnik hysteria’.

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BALLS.100 The BALLS Podcast 100th Episode Unspectacular

Posted March 27 into Sport by beeso

We crack open the secret to success in today's NBA - PB&J sandwiches and sliding into the DMs. Also this week: pay drivers and pink cars in F1, Snapper Rocks surf stories, going downhill in NZ's stinkiest town, Arsenal keeping the airborne banner industry aflight, Maxi gets a ton, Taumalolo gets ten, union might be cooked and the Supercars are unexpectedly woke. Get us on itunes HERE or listen on the web HERE.

1 Responses to ‘BALLS.100 The BALLS Podcast 100th Episode Unspectacular’

NBlob puts forth...

Posted March 27
Sorry Beeso & Doctor Yob, if you'll excuse a momentary threadjack.

Big Pharma, legacy media, banks, telcos, Oil&Gas, corporations period are like species in a Darwinian context. They adapt to best exploit their niche Or they fail. Some are dramatically swallowed whole by predatory finance, others quietly file for bankruptcy protection. The forces that define their niche include competitors, market preferences, costs of production, costs of capital & regulation. Of these, only the last is malleable. The shaping of that regulatory context - tax, employment, environment, product-safety is what politics is.
People who "opt out" or "are not interested in politics" or claim "both parties are the same, so it doesn't matter" seem at best ignorant, possibly apathetic or appallingly complicit.


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Cock punching the Bolter

Posted March 24 by John Birmingham

I spent all day on this topic. It was a lot harder than I expected.

If only Andrew Bolt was free to speak his mind, none of those people would have died in London yesterday. If only the Bolter could just be free to tell us exactly what he thought of the mud races and their heathen ways, we would no longer have to live in fear of being violently disassembled by bearded nutters in chocolate shops or on the public thoroughfares.

He would give them a jolly good talking to and they would fold up like a cheap umbrella in a high wind.

Well rejoice, my friends, because that happy day is nigh.


Six years (and a never-ending News Corp campaign in the service of of bad faith and bullshit later) and the PM is released for a few minutes from the windowless cellar where he now lives with George Christensen whispering to him in the dark, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

2 Responses to ‘Cock punching the Bolter’

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted March 24
Why don't Labor etc band together and add harass to the existing list rather than swap them out, so the bill has to go to the lower house, and then watch the lnp shit themselves.

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Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted March 27
Apropos of little - I am rereading the AoT books and chuckled at SAS troopers Bolt and Akerman having at Jerry in the UK....and failing to survive the encounter.

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