Cheeseburger Gothic

Turns out the mad mullahs have always been crazy

Posted June 6, 2013 into Politics by John Birmingham

Douglas Coupland had his own phrase for 'generational exceptionalism' - the idea that what's happening to you and the world right now is unique and could never have happened to anyone ever before. But I can't remember it.

The concept popped right into my head, however, when I read this entry at Mentalfloss from a post about cats that have changed the world.


While serving as U.S. ambassador to India in 1962, John Kenneth Galbraith brought his family along on an official visit to Gujarat, where the governor of the Indian state presented Galbraith’s two sons with a pair of Siamese kittens. The boys named one Ahmedabad, after the city where the cats were born. Later that year, Galbraith’s wife, Catherine, told a story about the cat, using the kitten’s nickname, “Ahmed.”
What the family didn’t realize is that Ahmed is one of the many names of the prophet Muhammad. When the story appeared in the international edition of Time, it sparked outrage in Pakistan, where extremists were already fuming over American aid to Indian armed forces. The consulate was attacked, a jeep carrying Americans overturned, and mullahs decried U.S. insensitivity. Galbraith moved to avert the diplomatic crisis, starting with changing the cat’s name to Gujarat, but as he later wrote, “Amateurs will never understand how much can turn on the name of a kitten.”

Check the date in the first line. 1962. And rioting over the name of a kitteh.

Sweet baby cheeses.

First I will sow discord in the Levant. Then I will foment revolt in the crescent of instability...

7 Responses to ‘Turns out the mad mullahs have always been crazy’

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted June 6, 2013

The only Douglas Coupland's Neo-logism I can recall that soun d like the one you are describing is Now Denial:

"To tell oneself that the only time worth living in is the past and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the future".

But that sounds like the opposite of waht you are describing above

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Blarkon is gonna tell you...

Posted June 6, 2013

One does not need to look closely at history to find examples where stupidity has been whipped up into tragedy.

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Jevon Kasitch reckons...

Posted June 7, 2013

The word for the term you can't shake out of your noggin that I have heard is "Chronalcentrism' the idea that what is happening now is unique and special.

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pitpat puts forth...

Posted June 7, 2013

No one would have minded if they had a dog instead. Always the cats that start the trouble

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Spanner swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 7, 2013

Think of the trouble Quokka's cats could cause.

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insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted June 7, 2013

I think I'm in trouble with a cat called Fairy. How do you spot a gay Islamic extremist?

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Therbs mumbles...

Posted June 7, 2013

Almost as much of a problem as Mrs Slocombe had with her pussy. Ooh err....

I'll get me coat.

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He cried out with a felafel in his hand

Posted June 6, 2013 into Politics by John Birmingham

A sticky, rather nasty and inedible felafel.

I'm not sure how this infamous incident of felafel abuse escaped my attention until now, but I have only just learned that Fox News Bill O'Reilly was sued, and settled, after allegedly harassing Andres Mackris, a female producer.

So what, you might say. He does worse on air every day. But no, I've read the deposition at Smoking Gun and that is some nasty shit. Nasty, nasty funny shit.

I'll let the source of my enlightenment, former Fox staffer Joe Muto, tell the story:

"... but the gist of it is: Mackris claimed that, over the course of several dinners and phone calls, Bill repeatedly made suggestive remarks, tried to convince her to buy herself sex toys, and on at least three occasions called her while he was pleasuring himself. The lawsuit never says so explicitly, but Mackris apparently had audio recordings of some of the phone calls, because at some points, it quotes O’Reilly verbatim and at length."

I've read the alleged transcript and just let me say, "Eewww."

One of these word-for-word passages features Bill monologuing a fantasy of showering in a hotel on a tropical island with the producer. He repeatedly mentions his desire to scrub her down with “one of those mitts, one of those loofah mitts.

...Unfortunately for Bill—and fortuitously for late-night comedians and Keith Olbermann—soon enough, the thread of his tropical fantasy gets away from him, and he temporarily forgets the name of his ersatz sex toy, confusing it with a word for a delicious Middle Eastern food made from fried chickpeas.

And that’s how the entire Fox News organization and the world at large discovered that the number one host in cable news had allegedly told one of his producers that he wanted to massage her lady parts with a “falafel.”

Internet, I can't believe you've been holding out on me for five years about this. Why. Wasn't. I. Told???

17 Responses to ‘He cried out with a felafel in his hand’

Blarkon puts forth...

Posted June 6, 2013

We. Thought. You. Knew.

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Blarkon has opinions thus...

Posted June 6, 2013

You know about this stuff right?

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0087PTMW2/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0087PTMW2&linkCode=as2&tag=natdee-20

Barnesm puts forth...

Posted June 6, 2013

ahhh, you complete bastard. You know what is seen can not be unseen......

Trowzers swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 6, 2013

I have a friend who used to edit this particular genre of fiction (mostly elf stuff). Apparenly there is a lot of money in it. Rule 34 and all that.

Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted June 7, 2013

Had me a peek, fuck me drunk and sideways.
The Catgirl and the Orc Woman?? And the classic - A Game of Bones!!

"Contains partial shifting, hot gay sex, and a cuttlefish shifter gangbang!" WTF!?!?!?

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Blarkon mumbles...

Posted June 6, 2013

Makes what you objected to about China Mieville seem pedestrian.

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted June 6, 2013

I am never eating a FELAFEL AGAIN.

I thought you knew about this one as well.

There is this thing called the internet, you should check it out.

and I think there are some youngsters playing out on your lawn.

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w from brisbane asserts...

Posted June 6, 2013

And, of course, if you had read the internet before blogging on the bloody internet you would have known about this already.

(See what I did there? A try hard dig re: JB's mockery of GoT viewers who hadn't already read the books.)

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w from brisbane reckons...

Posted June 6, 2013

And, of course, if you had read the internet before blogging on the bloody internet you would have known about this already.

(See what I did there? A try hard dig re: JB's mockery of GoT viewers who hadn't already read the books.)

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Murphy is gonna tell you...

Posted June 7, 2013

I have to admit, in the film version, the fluid running down the corpse's arm does bear a striking resemblance to a certain bodily fluid.

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

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Dino not to be confused with puts forth...

Posted June 7, 2013

JB,

The poor man is a disgrace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IwIRNM5noY

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Shifty Tourist reckons...

Posted June 7, 2013

To each his own I suppose, its an anything goes society now days. However I just want to say that I'm a traditionalist, when I rub my lady down I use a good ol' Aussie meat pie (football stadium temperature). None of this foreigner food.

Bunyip asserts...

Posted June 7, 2013

Tomato sauce or mustard? Inquiring minds, yadda yadda...

Shifty Tourist puts forth...

Posted June 7, 2013

Variety is the spice of life, sometimes tomato sauce, sometimes mustard... maybe both if its her birthday.

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Lulu mutters...

Posted June 7, 2013

I'll have to scrub my brain & my eyes out now; far too early in the morning for that kind of image.

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted June 7, 2013

And the court has upheld a prisoner's right to read interspeices erotica see here

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The Blunty post I decided not to run

Posted May 30, 2013 into Politics by John Birmingham

Besides a few defamation issues, I had a crisis of confidence with this one, thinking that nobody would give a shit. I've snipped the worst of the deffo, and tossed in some extra sweary:

There is no fucking way that Jeff Seeney could be the dumbest minister in the history of Queensland. The state, in its colonial form, achieved separation from New South Wales in 1859 and since then dozens, maybe hundreds, of barely functioning mouthbreathers have sat on the smooth padded leather of the Government benches, staring vacously but intently at tendrils of drool stretching slowly from their lower lips towards the green carpet of the lower House.

Jeff Seeney has never, ever done that.

And yet, he tempts me to believe he could one day, because even with Queensland's rich and varied history of life threatening derp in the annals of public administration, few statements reek of ill favoured ignorance the way that Seeney’s plea to “oil and gas companies to vigorously fight against environmentalists” does.

The Minister for State Development worries that every single development over which he has authority will be thwarted by ‘radical green’ protestors, even though they don’t have the authority under law to stop the developments – he does. They can protest of course, which might be an inconvenience, and might even delay this project or that if they use the legal system to demand review of environmental effects of, say, proposed LNG plants in Gladstone harbour. But they didn’t write the legislation, or pass the law, and if the law is seriously hindering economic developments that should go ahead then perhaps the state government should change it?

But no.

Seeney would prefer that mining companies devote a share of their resources not to mining things, but to politics. To “take up the fight against the radical greens campaign” by, er, taking up the fight against radical greens and their inconvenient campaigning.

Because apparently, as state development minister he has nothing to do with the process. Nor does the state environment minster. It’s those damn radical greens and all their powerful radicalism. Damn them.

Of course, none of this is ever defined. “All Queenslanders” according to Seeney, “want to defend the reef,” for instance. But unhelpfully he doesn’t explain how ‘defending the reef’, which is something all Queenslanders want, and suddenly morphing into a radical lentil terrorist, can be teased apart. Perhaps the change comes over us at the point where instead of just 'wanting' to defend the reef, somebody actually gets off their arse and does something. Something really fucking radical and green, like drawing up a petition. Maybe at that point, you become one of Seeney’s barking mad Trotskyists.

I don’t know why this particular incident of derpery should piss me off more than any other. But I think it’s because the very idea of a bunch of Birkenstock wearing, roughage muffin lovers bringing tens of billions of dollars of economic activity to a standstill by the sheer force of their mind bullets is so fucking daft that I feel myself personally insulted by Seeney for ever having brought it up.

Here’s the thing, Jeff. You’re not in Opposition any more. You’re the government. You don’t like how the environmental laws work, change them and then place yourself before the people to see whether they agree. If it’s the federal laws that are somehow jamming up every single fucking development that comes across your desk then just bide your time and I’m sure you’ll find that after September, Prime Minister Abbott will be more than amenable to changing the law to facilitate a bit of ecological rape and pillage.

But this idea that you need the miners to go to war with ‘the greens’? That’s so fucking dumb I can see you staring at the spittle between your feet as you prepare to stand up in Parliament to tell us all about it. The miners dont want it. Honestly. They have better things to do. Like digging shit up and selling it to China. Yes, the green movement will occasionally provide some resistance to that. Some friction in the prroess. But so will the weather, and currency fluctations, and competition from Brazil and the opaque policies of the Chinese politburo. The miners factor all that into their risk management. They don't need to factor in getting caught up in your bullshit fantasies.

Just do you job, you fucking goose and stop whining about wanting others to do it for you. I’m sure that if the mining industry has any problems they’ll tell us aaaaall about it. They’ve never been shy of special pleading in the past.

21 Responses to ‘The Blunty post I decided not to run’

hifromtomorrow reckons...

Posted May 30, 2013

now this, this, this is more like it...

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted May 30, 2013

Not suprised you didn't run this at Blunty.

In Victoria our state government has come up with a much more inovative soltuions We have made 99 year leases available in our national parks. Get one of those and you can tell the green lobby to get the hell off your lawn while you get on with stuff. Click heer for the article

Bunyip reckons...

Posted May 30, 2013

Yup. You've got to love Naphthalene scented "Sensible Government"TM. Either that or ask Dr Yobbo about the rental market over there in Drizzleland.

Lulu has opinions thus...

Posted May 30, 2013

Barnesm, isn't there something afoot to allow hunting in VIC national parks as well? Hunting accidents plus pastoralists in the same place could be interesting.

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Frank Chalmers would have you know...

Posted May 30, 2013

Great stuff. Funny how, amid the chaos, something can just push you over the edge. Camels, straws. Now that the image of rows and rows of mouth-breathers sitting on parliamentary leather is in my head it could be harder to shift than a Celine Dion song.

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 30, 2013

That was exactly what happened. I was sleep deprived and a little drunk and I saw the story about this idiot and completely fucking brain snapped.

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BigWillieStyle asserts...

Posted May 30, 2013

What was the context of Seeney's remarks? Can you put a link up?

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Dino not to be confused with swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 30, 2013

JB

We won a holiday to Cairns in 2004 and took a day trip to Green Island.

I snorkelled and a baby turtle came right up to me and looked at me.

No bullshit; it was a 'Finding Nemo' moment extraordinaire.

We had about 30 seconds of communication.

It is a scientific fact that people can say really stupid things and they should be real careful about trying to bullshit about the environment.

Perhaps Jeff Seeney could study some environmental science in Fukushima or Minimata? Was it Minimata?

No it was Minamata.

Anyhoo I need to take some blood pressure pills.

Hand them over JB

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Mark Harrison would have you know...

Posted May 30, 2013

I wonder if those same companies will need to get approval via an Electoral Commission run ballot with their shareholders for expenditure over $10,000 for political campaign purposes? Silly me. That only applies to unions!

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Dick swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 30, 2013

They're not all Birkenstock wearing, roughage muffin lovers. One stopped me outside the supermarket here in Hamilton (Vic) this week. Spoke really well, very well presented, and sexy as hell. I adopted me a giant sea turtle for $39/month. Didn't realise what I'd done until I'd walked away all smitten and misty eyed.

insomniac mumbles...

Posted May 30, 2013

of course the sooner you fatten it up and eat it, the less you'll have to fork out. just don't name it

Dick has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

Now we get linked back to the BBQ post. How do you cook a giant sea turtle? I mean, it's already in it's own kettel, do you just drop the whole thing in a hangi pit?

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Blake ducks in to say...

Posted May 30, 2013

Since when did miners need tellin' to do a bit of political manipulation? /campaigning?

Interesting he picks in the greens though - isn't there that other mob out in the ' downs against mining? Sure I saw the signs last time I drove through Dalby. ...

Oh! The farmers... well the LNP shouldn't be concerned with their votes.....what has the Darling Downs Farmers ever done for the Queensland Nats?

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Rob S ducks in to say...

Posted May 30, 2013

One of the byproducts of a landslide victory like the one the LNP had in Queensland are that a number of people manage to get elected that really shouldn't have generally being put there by the party to make up the numbers. The scary thing in this case we are not talking about the mad rantings of a single term back bencher but coming from supposedly a core member in the deputy premier.

My other thought is that Queensland politics seems to breed people who would not make it into the class of best and brightest. I'm still trying to come to grips with the Brick with Eyes thinking he should be in parliament.

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tqft swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 30, 2013

JB slight point of correction - changes to environmental laws have gone through or are in the process of being legislated.

Tree chopping for everyone and opening of state parks.

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pitpat is gonna tell you...

Posted May 30, 2013

Great work,

I come from a hard rock mining background ( the belly of the beast) and am now am purely an exploration geo ( the nose of the beast ) I've watched with horror not only movable feast that is Clive Palmer but also the gas cloud that surrounds LNG 'exploration' - in quotes due to it's realtive ease to discover- knowing that where-ever and when they go a wave of discontent is a garanteed outcome. Having said that they don't go out of their way to pick a fight, generally speaking they are just so far removed from the landholder and act from ignirance not malice. Hence the legislation and regulation and reporting requirements and conduct and compensation agreements, the land court, the environmental bonds, condtions and reporting, the cultural heritage surveys, rehab, rehab monitoring.

So yeah get your shit together Mr Seeney

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Ippy Percival reckons...

Posted May 31, 2013

I can't really look at the induhviduals we now have governing our state without being swallowed by an enormous pit of black despair and each time I do, it takes days and a couple of hundred dollars worth of alcohol to drag myself out. I mean, I've got the Borg as a minister for fuck's sake. And that because they reckoned he was more capable and competent than the only actual mdeical doctor they could attract, though admittedly that bloke proved them right by imploding a few weeks post election.

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted May 31, 2013

I've always suspected that the best minds of a generation do not go into state politics.

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axle comments has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

JB I am opne the lurkers who would rarely comment but I let out a hearty Yeahhh when I read this.. thanks brightened up my day or now that I think about QLD politics depressed my day. I grew up in Norman Park but now live in hippiedom of northern NSW so I watch QLD from afar now.. but what I see that is reported down here seems to be getting wierder and wierder.. what is in the water in QLD that makes peopel think that they live on their own little planet or is it an axample of the multiverses in action... seems like Australia but there is that little niggling feeling

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 31, 2013

S'interesting. I sort of resist writing these types of pieces here cos they're so newsy. But people seem to enjoy them, and of course i can't go wild at Fairfax the weay I can here. So I'm glad you delurked, Axle. It makes me think I did the right thing running this on the Burger, and makes it more likely I'll do it again the future.

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Peter in the bleaches is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31, 2013

And this is who the next federal guberment are going to hand approval for gas and mining projects to, to reduce the amount of green tape.

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There is less to this scandal than meets the eye

Posted May 8, 2013 into Politics by John Birmingham

Got very excited for a couple of minutes yesterday when I popped into Twitter to discover that Tony Abbott was doomed. He had revealed his true self. Peeled back the latex man mask that covered his demon features, stripped off his underpants to reveal the chain mail underpants beneath them, and done something very very wrong.
Twitter was, dare I say it, all a-twitter. In such a tizz, in fact, that nobody could draw breath long enough to explain how they come to be in such a tizz in the first place. It was a couple of hours before I tripped across a story in the mainstream media – yes, that old thing – which finally put everything in context. Tony Abbott had been caught out being beastly to the ladies again.
Except he hadn't. If you actually read what he said in context it was an almost entirely unremarkable bit of dialogue about the Liberal Party's paid parental leave scheme. Abbott was defending maternity payments to professional women. The beast.
Being Abbott, of course, he was also a bit of a boofhead in his choice of words. Except, again, he wasn't. I expected to read the line about "women of caliber" and see something astonishingly ham-fisted, or at least taken out of context. But it wasn't even that. It was a completely anodyne political statement that could have been made, probably should have been made, by somebody like Penny Wong, but because it was made by Abbott, who has form, the Internet rage machine spooled up. Spooled up and flew away, roaring and snarling and breathing fire from every fiery orifice.

I was going to write a Blunty about it tomorrow, but in the end I couldn't be arsed. What'd be the point? Eva Cox, a gnarly feminist who scares me most days, and Clem Ford, who scares me even more because I can at least outrun Cox, did their best to chill everyone out and calm everything down. The addressed the policy issue itself, and managed to disagree it seemed, but without the lashings of angry, angry rage.
Didn't matter. The Internet rage machine had moved on, leaving in its wake the destruction of the historical record, at least online, replacing it with the intellectual debris of thousands and thousands of angry tweets and Facebook rants. How many of them, I wonder, based on a close and complete reading of the original offending remarks. Actually, I don't wonder. That's just a figure of speech.
So I decided to write something funny about some recent manflu research instead. Having had a small taste of the Internet rage machine at the chubby hands of the Fat Acceptance movement I found myself in the unusual and deeply, deeply unpleasant position of feeling sorry for Tony Abbott. There are so many reasons to vote against this prick, but the women of caliber nano-scandal isn't one of them. Nice work by Wong and Tanya Plibersek though, distracting attention from the ALP's changes to single parenting payments which have done more to damage the prospects of working mothers than any statement of Abbott's.

48 Responses to ‘There is less to this scandal than meets the eye’

Lulu asserts...

Posted May 8, 2013

"ALP's changes to single parenting payments which have done more to damage the prospects of working mothers than any statement of Abbott's."

I thought they'd just brought everyone into line with the same deal according to changes made by Howard/Costello - people who were on the payment at the time of H/C changes were 'grandfathered' for a certain period, and Gillard/Swan shortened the period. But I'm not a single parent so I might have got that wrong.

Lulu mutters...

Posted May 8, 2013

And having said that, I think 'snowball' and 'hell' could be keywords in describing the likelihood of TA's BFFs at the IPA letting him introduce this parenting leave scheme.

Nocturnalist is gonna tell you...

Posted May 8, 2013

Has Nick Minchin said anything about it yet? Andrew Elder has pointed out that Minchin's pronouncements have a far higher correlation rate on what the Libs end up doing than either Abbott or Hockey.

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Moko ducks in to say...

Posted May 8, 2013

I just like telling people to go fuck themselves. Then I watch something on YouTube.

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tqft ducks in to say...

Posted May 8, 2013

So far behind JB. 2 day old graph. No mention of #sandwich gate which is almost past its prime now.

Like I said somewhere down thread follow someone who does the outraging for you. Makes life ever so much nicer.

Great advantage of one forum I hang out at is seeing posts from over 6 months ago come up and be relevant. People sticking with stuff and getting stuff done.

JG mutters...

Posted May 8, 2013

Haha. Sandwichgate. That boy's mum is atrocious. Wouldn't blame her little angel. Bogans.

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted May 8, 2013

"deeply unpleasant position of feeling sorry for Tony Abbott" there really needs to be a word or name for that somehting german like Schabbottenfreude

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 8, 2013

That deserves to be a tweet.

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 8, 2013

And now it is.

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted May 8, 2013

High praise indeed.

JG reckons...

Posted May 8, 2013

Yay, Barnesm. You invented the Schabbottenfreude. Take a bow. Better still.... write a book of Abbotisms.

Bangar asserts...

Posted May 8, 2013

Lovely work Commander.

BigWillieStyle mutters...

Posted May 9, 2013

I think we should proceed with this book of Abbottisms.

Sabbottage (n) - interference at a place of work or industry by a man wearing a heard hat or hi-vis vest who is just doing it for a photo opportunity

BigWillieStyle has opinions thus...

Posted May 9, 2013

Make that "hard hat"

BigWillieStyle reckons...

Posted May 9, 2013

Abbottude (n) - a disposition towards another person, based largely on whether they've currently got the job you would like to have yourself. Gender-based criticisms may or may not ensue

damian would have you know...

Posted May 9, 2013

Surely Schabbottenfreud should be the joy you take in the suffering of Tony Abbott. The unpleasant sensation of feeling sorry for someone like that should be Arschfotzeinfühlungschmerz or something more explicit about who the Arschfotze is. Arschbotze maybe. Tony Arschbotze.

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 9, 2013

Note - (going by my definitions) - I am rather more likely to be struck (wrong word... to enjoy) Schabbottenfreud than to suffer from Arschbotzeinfüglungschmerz. To be honest, I don't think I'm likely to get Arschbotzeinfühlungschmerz at all...

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w from brisbane reckons...

Posted May 8, 2013

That graph is rather good.

Note to Burgers : if you click on the graph, it enlarges.

Barnesm mutters...

Posted May 8, 2013

"if you click on the graph, it enlarges"

Said the Vicar to the Flight Attendant.

I do apologise I was suddenly possessed by the spirt of Benny Hill.

JG swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 8, 2013

Yes, very impressed by your spiffy graph, JB.

Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted May 9, 2013

What? Is X-Factor on again and I have been missing it?

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w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted May 8, 2013

What about Tony Abbott's new look?.

Tony : " I'll have the Berlusconi, thanks."
The old craggy Tony has been magically smoothed away.
Yes, I'm saying botox. Looks great, Tony!

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damian ducks in to say...

Posted May 8, 2013

I draw the line at feeling sorry for Tony Abbott. I'd sooner feel sorry for the mouldy grease that builds up on the back of the barbecue, and takes a mixture of sugar soap, dishwashing liquid and vinegar, and high tech scouring pads even to thin out a little. There are intestinal parasites that are more worthy of pity. I think an outbreak of cholera would do better things for the country than an Abbott government.

tqft swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 8, 2013

Pressure cleaner --> BBQ

Take the plates off and do them separately. BigW sells lava rocks to replace the dirty ones for $7/bag. Much more important than raging into the void.

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damian mumbles...

Posted May 8, 2013
Actually that funny grill pattern in the concrete next to the back shed has absolutely nothing to do with using the pressure cleaner on parts of the BBQ. The chassis, hood and other stainless steel surfaces, though, should be done by hand.

tqft asserts...

Posted May 8, 2013

You have one of those fancy bbq's, mine is much less sensitive and the SO doesn't freak at aggressive cleaning.

By hand? Be there for a week.

NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 9, 2013

Pool acid, start dilute (5:1) (water : acid) and work your way up.

Caution: Acid Burns worse than derp.

  1. Wear rubber gloves, old shirt & sunnies.
  2. Not on the lawn nor anywhere it'll go down the drain. Gravel driveway FTW.
  3. With a big box of BiCarb on standby.
  4. Re-oil the cast iron plates after or they'll rust.

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w from brisbane is gonna tell you...

Posted May 8, 2013

My mate was visiting another mate in the small Central Queensland mining town of Tieri. Beers were being had and the light was a bit poor, but my mate did the right thing and said he would give the barbie the pre-cook clean.

Well, he scrubbed and scrubbed and didn't seem to be making much progress. Gee whiz, this was one dirty barbie. So he got the steelo wool and after about twenty minutes of really hard scrubbing he was starting to get that baked-in grime to lift.

That's when my other mate, the barbie owner, came out and started laughing uproariously.

'Ah mate, you might find it easier if you take the cover off."

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Quokka swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 9, 2013

I am liking this discussion of BBQs and would very much like to hear all your nerdy pork-fuelled advice on what to install in the proposed BBQ pit here at Casa Q.

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NBlob mumbles...

Posted May 9, 2013
BBQs spatter fat which stain, do Not mount over hardwood decks or similar UnSealed floors.
I've seen a number of rather excellant BBQs plumbed into the house gas supply.
High Domed covers are good if you intend to BBQ more than a couple of bangers & onions.
Before buying, ask the sales dude / dudette to show how easy, or otherwise it is to strip down & clean.
The little WeberQs are pretty impressive, but limited capacity. IE if you expect to BBQ for more than 3 people, expect to be there a while.

Ask yourself; Ease or quality?
Ease = gas. Gas on, Press button, wait 5, cook.
Quality = 40 minutes of frack around & preheating with charcoal briquettes.

It shames me to say it but as a nation we are very poor BBQers. We basicly grill and get on with drinking.
I'd advise a pilgramage to anywhere south of the Mason Dixon line in the US where BBQing is raised to an art form. The Texas dry rubs, Kansas City marinades, hickory chips, smokers, oh my. *drools*

HAVOCK21 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 9, 2013

yeah, webbers are for fkn pussies, I'll have me 4ft steel fkn hot plate any fkn day with me 6 burners and fkn hood!

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Quokka asserts...

Posted May 9, 2013

We have town gas here so I have been looking at models that we can plumb directly into that. I won't have anything that smokes in the courtyard (good thing you quit, Nbob) as it sets off my asthmatic little lungs and there ends the fun. Coal and briquettes are not an option.

The bloke found a Weber Genesis E-320 (I will try to find it and post a link) that he likes the look of. That was a year or so ago at the BBQ shop underneath the gateway bridge off Lytton Rd.

I want a hard wearing floor that can endure insult and injury via red wine spillage, batshit, grease spatters, cat vomit and worse. Polished & sealed concrete aggregate floor is this week's choice of building material. Hopefully the pebbles will distract from whatever I can't hose off of it.

Brother PorkChop would have you know...

Posted May 9, 2013

I would not recommend a Beefmaster. I have had to do major remodelling on mine to get the burners close enough to the grill and plate to ensure even heat all over and adequate temperatures. I like the Webers very much but whatever you do, you need the burner set up to be right.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted May 9, 2013

Town gas & LPG are (I believe) different. Make sure you discuss this with your purveyor of Plate & Grill.

All BBQ's, even Stupid 'lectric jobbies smoke. The question is how much & what kind. Of course your poor widdle lungs are an excellent excuse to leave the BBQing to Uncle Q. It is by the nature of things Man's work anyhow. Some of the double skined hardwood smokers hardly let out any smoke and the products that emerge are, are, English fails me. Put it this way, a man who masters a smoker could have his choice of firstborns.

I didn't quit nuthin, I stopped.

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Quokka would have you know...

Posted May 9, 2013

http://www.weberbbq.com.au/ProductPage.php?pc=k3751024

This.

And oh yeah. Twitter outrage. I am outraged. Now. Back to BBQs...

NBlob mutters...

Posted May 9, 2013

Nice unit. If it were me, I'd be just buying the top part and getting a clever designer to mount it into a bench. If you happened to have a clever designer handy. I'm always looking for somewhere to put down trays of raw & cooked meat, stubbies, tongs etc. A bin would be good. The under storage is pretty useless and the chassis & wheels are always cheap, dinky, wobbly and pretty much crap.

I like a 'cooked rissoles & bangers rack,' suspended off the main heat, but still keeping warm under the hood.

Ask the sales dude / dudette if you can turn it down enough to do roasts, without a risk of it going out.

All gas is heavier than air. So it will pool.A: killing pets & B: it makes an explosive mix. If you mount it "pit style" ensure that it can ventilate & gravity drain away. I've seen photos of the consequences of LPG pooling in the hull of boats. Spectacular!

Insist on a Heavy Duty On/Off valve and use it. The tiniest little leak, just fractions of litres per minute can cost a lot & rapidly make an explosive risk. Ask the fridge tech who blew up his van in Syn City a few years back. Took out windows 4 blocks away.

w from brisbane swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 9, 2013

NBlob's advice is excellent.
Though I would just purchase a good folding table that can be brought out and placed beside the Weber.

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w from brisbane is gonna tell you...

Posted May 9, 2013

"There's a secret to cooking onions on a barbie"
"Yeah, what is it?"
"I don't know. It's a secret."

DrYobbo mutters...

Posted May 9, 2013

Hotplate. Onions. Beer. Oil. Woostey sauce. More beer. Some for the onions too.

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DrYobbo reckons...

Posted May 9, 2013

Talking about BBQs >>>> talking about utter pork chops like Abbott

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 9, 2013

I'd suggest equipping the bbq pit with drains that take any spilt gas downhill, but still empty into open air somewhere without alternative collection places below. The same principles can work as for taking away runoff water, but you can't let it go into the stormwater drains. Given your gas drains would also be your water drains for "the pit", (or vice versa), it should all work out with a clever design guy such as you have on the team (and yeah, I've seen the stuff about assploding caramvans and boats too).

And with that, you may not necessarily be best served with a store-bought barbemacue either. Used to be you could browse and buy all the gas plumbing parts retail, but I guess too many people were blowing themselves up that way, in any case going fully diy seems to be frowned on now. However in co-ordination with your friendly local gas plumber and other suitable suppliers and professionals I am sure it is quite possible to have a permanent installation created to your exact specifications. Probably less expensive than some of the higher end integrated units you see in the bbq shops, too.

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pi mutters...

Posted May 9, 2013

graph has been shamelessly stolen and re-posted.

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted May 9, 2013

Graph has been carefully reproduced just a little bit too small to read properly, to force everyone to click on image and drive traffic to the orginal site.

pi is gonna tell you...

Posted May 9, 2013

I was talking about me shamelessly stealing it. and re-posting it. which i did. Cuz I'm like that.

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted May 9, 2013

What's that, JB?
"Graph has been carefully reproduced just a little bit too small to read properly, to force everyone to lean forward and squint and give me a good old laugh"

Oh, thank you very fkn much!

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damian asserts...

Posted May 9, 2013

No squint will work for me. I need a new prescription.

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NBlob puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2013

For those of you to silly to subscribe to Next Draft; http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/05/09/105-year-old-woman-says-bacon-keeps-her-alive/

In other news, my job eats balls.

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2013

Love a bacon story.
On a less interesting note, did you see that footage of Killer Whales surfing in a boat's wake? They did it for about an hour, apparently.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbh6qg8H3CY

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Respond to 'There is less to this scandal than meets the eye'

Defence White Paper (first analyses)

Posted May 3, 2013 into Politics by John Birmingham

Don't bother with the mainstream media. They'll get no further than MOAR SUBZ! and Less Effing 35s!!!

The big two think tanks have their intial responses up.

Sam Roggeveen opens the batting for Lowy,

All the talk about this White Paper is that it takes a softer line on China, and although Minister Stephen Smith says the Government has been consistent, David Wroe's language comparison of the 2009 and 2013 White Papers in the SMH tells its own story. More broadly, there's a strong emphasis in this White Paper on defence diplomacy, reinforcing the idea that we must seek our security in the region, rather than defending ourselves from it.

The other big theme is money: major projects are being cut or delayed because of the Government simply cannot afford them.

What's missing from this White Paper, as far as I can see, is any acknowledgment that the second big theme is actually driving the first. Because we cannot afford all the insurance we would like in the form of weapons systems, we have to take on slightly more risk and, to some extent, we compensate by substituting diplomacy.

...while there's a group effort underway at ASPI with stand alone entries on the strategic setting, a couple of pieces individual weapons system purchases (the Super Hornets and subs) and a reasonably comprehensive choice of entrees into the fiscal/strategic trade offs forced on the Government.

On the subs, which might turn out to be one of the two most significant government purchasing decision of the next forty years, Andrew Davies points out that with the winnowing of options from four down to two, "What we’ll see is either an evolution of the Collins class or an entirely new design. Both of these options are likely to be expensive and involve significant project risk."

Of course the Coaltion will get to sign off for this one, because it'll be their project when it gets to the point of cutting steel. And they've already rejected an 'enhanced Collins' deal.

On the decision to grab up another dozen Super Hornets, Davies writes: "Simply put, buying more Super Hornets retires much of the risk associated with relying on 1980s jets to form the bulk of our air combat capability. And buying Growlers off the production line rather than taking half of the existing 24 off line for conversion means that the RAAF will have their most capable aircraft continuously available. The downside to this decision is that the RAAF will be operating a mixed fleet of Super Hornets and F-35s for the entire 2020s, with the operating cost hit of two sets of fixed costs."

Of course, if the F-35 had turned out to be something more than unicorn dreams, these downside risks would not have been an issue. My bet? The next major air combat system we buy will be drone based. The Super Hornets will be with us until then.

I'm thinking of writing something for Lowy next week on the role of the arbitrary in these sorts of plans. It'll get less readers than it would at Blunty, but less derp with it.

30 Responses to ‘Defence White Paper (first analyses)’

Surtac asserts...

Posted May 3, 2013

I look forward to it John. Always interesting to read your cogitations on this subject area.

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Lobes would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2013

Not if we bring our own derp

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tqft mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2013

Am glad to see the Indian Ocean getting the attention it deserves and a nod to Antartica. Also I glossed over everything but noticed it did have a "cyber" section literally and a space bit.

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Therbs mutters...

Posted May 3, 2013

No-one ever thinks about procurement of pointed sticks any more. They're fkn aces for killing things.

NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2013

Don't get GreyBeard started on the lethal qualities of a good rock. His force multipliers are sling, ballista & trebuchet.

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Legless swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2013

Drone Wars. Eventually, war will come down to the battle of the drones. Whoever can churn-out the most low-cost, high-tech drones will win. Industrial base will be king. (So China is looking good).

It'll be an interesting war. Will they be remotely piloted, controlled by legions of spotty youths seconded from Call Of Duty? Or will they be autonomous and just pointed in the general location of the enemy?

Tactics will be interesting. The obvious counter to a swarm of drones heading your way will be a load-yield nuke for EMP - a kind of RAID for the air-raid. Or if they're remotely piloted then perhaps heavy jammers. A lot less poisonous than setting off atmospheric nukes every few hours...

Cheers

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Barnesm mutters...

Posted May 3, 2013

I would have the thought the first response would be "why is it called white?, its more creamy coloured"?

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Stevo 73 mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2013

Still no self propelled artillery? That would have moved our army right into the fifties *sighs*

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Steve puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2013

Self-propelled artillery was canned some time ago, and is very unlikely to come back.

I'm also with JB on the next government finding a way to get out of the F-35 acquisition. Stealth is a dead end anyway. Signal processing, like other forms of computing, improves exponentially. This means the planes will only get easier to detect.

If you're in a dark room trying to avoid your enemy seeing you, you can either remain invisible and silent, or shine a bright fkn light in his face so you can see and blind him at the same time.

Enter the Growlers.

HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted May 4, 2013

yeah and its not like there is a proliferation of low alt HIGH END SAM's about in the Sth east asia. Cert the longer range AWACS killers, older legacy jobs too and fkn shit loads of SA7's. But a try low alt in the weeds Growler kilkler with them shooting back too....NUP, the Growler is a good choice,

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RogueBitz puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2013

For the love of God or whatever u believe in, where are the aircraft carriers? At least 2. I don't care how fkn expensive. I'm paying for all this other shit that isn't helping so I'd like my money to go to something other than diplomacy. With the Chinese? Pure insanity. Get 2 carriers, load them up with a few squadrons and add a few nukes to the mix. That's the best diplomacy! We're being led by mental midgets...

Darth Greybeard would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2013

But then of course there's http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-04-18/china-s-anti-carrier-missile-now-opposite-taiwan-flynn-says.html. And even it's not great (i.e. unreliable POS) they can deploy an awful lot of them. And no way will any Australian government spring for the missile defence ships to shield those carriers. Now who could they sell them to...?

HAVOCK21 reckons...

Posted May 4, 2013

BOB there was an article out the other day, the DEF dept is considering putting the high end SAM's V 6 I think, on them, rather than fkn equipped for and install later. As for the Carrier killer Missile, I'm fkn yet to see it tested and so is everybody else.

Lovely little piece recently on a chink plane ( stealth ) unit in test that went arse up. Just because the PRC happens to be slightly efficient at stealing secrets don’t mean they adapt that across into capability. Capability comes from practice and implementation and that involves extensive R & D and FK UPS! and to have fk up and continue the learning fkn process ya kinda need to shoot the fkn things at something and we aint seen that.

As for the carrier killer...and its a conventional warhead which also means its got to HIT the carrier. So by what method will this take place, RADAR, Infrared or do they think they can have a camera on it and do a COD 4 steer it to its target..yeah fkn right. BOTH the other techs are easily spoofed and mid course corrections from the base for ICBM’s...hmmmmmmmmmmm, ya gunna shoot it where you THINK the carrier will be by the time it gets there. And I also get the feeling, that Laser tech is purpose built for killing these fkrs! Assuming of course they actually get close and the chinks are fkn stupid enough to pop one at a carrier. Firing an ICBM....not smart, even if its got a conventional warhead on it that nobody else is aware of.

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Barnesm mumbles...

Posted May 4, 2013

I still say we need giganic MECHA.

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Moko is gonna tell you...

Posted May 4, 2013

Growler ... hehe ... lesbian pron.

Combating air and sea attack is the way to go. A massive amount of troops on the ground in enemy territory is expensive ... and no fun. You're ducks in a barrel constantly swiping the Visa.

Drones, sure. Swarm drones laden with explosives attacking ground targets would be a barrel of laughs. Gotta consider range though. Suppose you could drop from a high altitude bombers ... not that we have any.

Really,I don't think massive armies from china really need to stomp across Asia with blood in their eyes. Debt us into submission.

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HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted May 4, 2013

Just nearly spewed my Breakfy all over the fkn computer, there is the ASPI note is fkn Pillard and SMART the retard grinning like fkn idiots on the planes cargo ramp, like...WE LOOK AFTER DEFENCE look what we did, I mean, Dont Politicians feel fkn dirty and skanky with all the FKN LIES AND RETARDED DRIBBLE THEY FKN SPROUT!. At the moment this pair should have fkn noses 2 mile fkn long!. I would rather have seen them getting OFF the fkn ramp at 20 thousand fkn feet with no parachutes!. FKN AIR WASTERS!

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 4, 2013

You'll appreciate this link, H. A long piece detailing the politico-military complex supporting the latest Chinese leader. This is the sort of basic background you never get in the MSM.

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 4, 2013

I think it was perhaps not in an article, but in the comment thread to an article I read a few months ago that someone put a really well argued case that we should really think of the CCP as a corporation. The young guns who rise through it do so in exactly the same way, and the power structures are very much a matter of simply transferring the language... committees == boards and so on. I forget where it was, but it might have been FP.

HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted May 4, 2013

Thats a really good article, interesting the final assumption / call that its about internal control and preservation of his position and not about global expansion, the latter being the tool to drive, maintain and keep a string compliant military behid them, the leader that is. I'm not sure I'd draw that conclusion given the sustained manner in which they have expanded their capabilities and further, the capabilities added which have really very little application for control of ones own people.

But, if you draw it all back to the underlying maintenance of a power base thats reliable..then you possibly have a valid conclusion and perhaps even an argument to let them go, they might well implode.

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Chaz ducks in to say...

Posted May 4, 2013

Could have been worse, but the decision (sorry handballing to the next govt) to 'improve' the collins class or start form scratch is more glitterdust from the same box that they hatched the JSF project.

Besides the crewing issue, we need to buy off the shelf. if we won't get SSN's (ie either astute or virginia class) then from memory it's basically the Scorpene or the longer range type 214 (that south korea is buying).

If we're going to devlope then it's best to join up with the french and help the R&D on the baracuda class (cue Havsy spitting out his lunch).

The growler decsion was sound as the lack of a dedicated SEAD aircraft is a major bad decision in todays netcentric battlepsace.

I still think we'd be better of buying into the Typhoon project for dedicated CAP and using the super hornets as a CAS/MRCA platform.

As for drones well they'll be coming in their own time but it'll be a while before anyone is sporting a dedicated UCAV.

Bottom line is China is going to be a problem in the future, wether its as a collapsing backet case (so revisitng the warring states period but with nukes) or a a hypernationalist regional bully (as the CCP despirately tries to hold onto power). We have to remember that as a one party police state with minimal Human Rights issues (ie doesn't give a toss about them) the ruling aparatchiks need to release the pressure from the the pressure cooker from time to time (or temps du temps is you like) . Now that they've effectively ditched socialism, nationalism is the only way they can unify such an unweildly melange of ethnicities without actually you know giivng peopel a vote in how their country is run.

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted May 4, 2013

Well at least you should give Havsy a chance to finish drinking his lunch before making him spit it out. Typhoons, you reckon? I guess it's the best looking thing out there if the F35 is a fizzer.

Funny about the subs issue, isn't it. Personally I would love to see 100% native capability being created as an outcome of the Collinses and leveraged now. Maybe if the 1996 election had gone the other way we'd have seen that. I don't really understand why anyone would want to or have to do business with the likes of Raytheon

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Abe Frellman is gonna tell you...

Posted May 4, 2013

Hi all, am wondering whether Christopher Joye's analysis of defense policy (weekend AFR) is as off beam as it is on other areas he claims expertise about which I am a bit more knowledgeable, such as valuing mortgage backed securities - where he is often wrong by multiples.

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted May 4, 2013

Abe, I often find orders of magnitude errors, interestingly (I find it interesting) in equal measure from my touchy feely hippy mates, as from the proto fascist right wingers.

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HAVOCK21 reckons...

Posted May 4, 2013

Fk the fkn frogs,m Naster CHAZ, ya was right the first time...ANYTHING we build from scratch is a waste, a severe waste of tax payers fkn money, its ASTURE or fkn VIRGINIA ir fkn NOTHING!

Damian, Chaz is also thinking the same way, I’m far far more incloined now to option the Typhoon and as for BUYING COMPLETED GROWLERS...WTF

We have Superhornets PRE FKN WIRED for growler, convert them, if..IF you buy more Hornets then buy them as NORMAL, otherwise, the EXTRA FKN CASH we paid for the pre configured as GROWLERS is fkn wasted, SMITH fkn FKN FK TARD! Should have know this.

The Self propelled arty was a must in this day and age, but well, presided over by a cockhead IMHO!

I’m headin over for a read JB!

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damian would have you know...

Posted May 4, 2013

I don't say this often but: what Havsy said.

damian asserts...

Posted May 4, 2013

Except: sure it's a waste now. But how do we make it not be? I mean, how do we get into a position where it's simpler, easier and cheaper to have local industry build state-of-the-art combat systems, much less subs, for us? Because I don't really understand why we can't now

Abe Frellman puts forth...

Posted May 4, 2013

Economies of scale - you need to be able to build 10 so that fucking the first two up can be defrayed over the other eight. Then you need to keep the industry ticking along for the long haul. Big bucks.

damian reckons...

Posted May 5, 2013

Yeah, but we're buying (or would have been if we went off-the-shelf) subs from Sweden, which is about half our population. We are buying most of our ships from Spain, which is only about double it. We're not Spain and Sweden's only customers. Really, I think it's that we overdo the doctrine of comparative advantage, and don't appreciate that the longer term is more dynamic.

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HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted May 5, 2013

Its not just defrayment thats an issue either, certainly not in the context of the composition being the same all the way through, That would enable ' general" defrayment across the build.

Given that the locatrion is for 'VOTES' and not where the infrastructure shouldbe and is, EG ADELAIDE, and its better to be Melbourne, well, should have been. The the whole program of builing and sustainment of the workforce without the need to build excessive numbers of TYPE to sustain it, rather the condensement fo the prohgram in one location being the driver. Thats whats required, but ...its a government created problem in the first place, actually I THINK it goes back to perhaps even downer....fkn politicians!

Whats a worry, its going for a new one again, I don't think anybody believes the shit about defence being able to project managemnt construction, they cannot and the R & D side of the monster..well its FKD when it come to scale gear too!

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Respond to 'Defence White Paper (first analyses)'

Defence White Paper is due out today

Posted May 3, 2013 into Politics by John Birmingham

It'll take a few days to digest the thing properly, although the question arises why bother? Gillard will presumably bury Rudd's geo-strategic pretensions. (Eighten submarines, anyone? Bueller? Anyone?) And, more importantly, when she's tossed out on her ear in a couple of months the Coalition will tear down whatever framework this White Paper attempts to erect and replace with their own obssessions. It all seems a colossal waste of time, and the main interest tomorrow will be watching the PM feign interest in a policy she neither understands nor cares about.

In a perfect world, I suppose, we probably shouldn't care either. The whole thing should just be turned over to enthusiasts like Kim Beazley who can be left to get on with it. But the likes of Bomber Beazley come along but once in a long, long while. The conservatives are just as cuplable pver the long arc.

And in back of it all are the fiscal realities constraining both sides.

For those who care hereabouts – basically Chaz, Havoc and your 'umble correspondent – there'll be a feast of feedback from the various thinky tanks. Lowy Institute got the drop on its friendly rivals with a link salad of relevent bits-n-pieces, inlcudling this triple header:

John Angevine, Dangerous Luxuries:

The plan for the modernisation of the Australian Defence Force (ADF) is focused on expensive maritime and air capabilities for conflicts the ADF could not fight alone. Consequently, the ADF is exposed with an atrophying ground force and expeditionary capability for the low-level regional operations in which it will be most likely to engage.

Hugh White, A Focused Force: Australia's Defence Priorities in the Asian Century:

The biggest risk is not that China becomes a direct threat to Australia but that the erosion of American power unleashes strategic competition among Asia's strongest states, which in turn increases the risk that Australia could face a number of military threats to its interests, even its territorial security.

Alan Dupont, Inflection Point: The Australian Defence Force After Afghanistan:

With Afghanistan’s end game in sight, and a new Defence White Paper on the horizon, it is time for a vigorous public debate about the priorities of the ADF so that we do not repeat the mistakes of the post-Vietnam period and prepare for the wrong conflicts, made worse by ill-conceived strategy and chronic underfunding.

I might write something about it for Blunty next week, but then again...

Sigh.

21 Responses to ‘Defence White Paper is due out today’

DrYobbo mutters...

Posted May 3, 2013

Tumbleweeds dot gif

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HAVOCK21 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2013

Yeah, so cannot wait, but know full well its really going to be a shit document, we don’t have the cash, they’ve show a predisposition to saying one thing and doing the other on Defence.

It certainly shows that they fail to understand the long lead times and impacts, I laughed again the other day when the reference to BUILT for but NOT WITH popped up again.

Yet, once more I shall venture forth, read, digest and chuck a complete fkn fit of rage and spittle at the certain realisation that the’ve really fkd the whole show up. Mind you, as you mention, the other team aint got no blood on their hands, Beaze...yeah, as much as he bats for the OTHER TEAM for me, he got it!, no fkn denying that at all. Its just a pity his legacy was carved up and fkd up.

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xenodyssey asserts...

Posted May 3, 2013

As I see it the problem is no matter what the white paper proposes, neither major party is going to follow through with the cash. The media rumors say it will still advocate buying F-35s. Dunno what will happen with the new fleet of submarines, how were we going to man them with qualified personnel was always going to be the question there.

Cutting an air warfare destroyer from procurement would make our new LHDs even more a case of sitting ducks in any conflict.

I suspect we'll be buying more Super Hornets, drones and next generation Bushmasters and that will be just about all any gov will be able to afford. Pity we now have little or no refineries in Oz. Methane powered cars will be a big seller in any conflict which blocks the sea lanes. We certainly won't have the capacity to keep them open or do the same to our opponents.

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Barnesm mutters...

Posted May 3, 2013

Do we get transforming Mecha? I bet if we were being threatend by giant radioactive monsters we'd get transforming mecha.

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tqft asserts...

Posted May 3, 2013

How many defence reviews are we up to in the last 10 years?

HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2013

wwwwaaaaaaaaay to fkn many!

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Darth Greybeard reckons...

Posted May 3, 2013

So. A dozen not-off-the-shelf submarines. Any bets on how that one turns out?

Dino not to be confused with is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2013

Greybeard,

I am heartened by this direction.

Surely they will be designed and built here!

There's these magnets and stuff they can use.

It's all on the interwebs.

Otherwise we can buy some crap someone else doesn't want.

It worked before.

Didn't it?

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Blarkon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2013

Drones drones drones - submarine drones.

But wif Havock's face painted on the front to bring the scary.

HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted May 3, 2013

i'd be rodgering fkn spacey lizardos!, for fkn sure

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DrYobbo puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2013

Not to be outdone, the NZ Department of Defence is preparing a fleet of White Papers. They will constitute the Royal NZ Airforce

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Spanner puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2013

The defence white paper reads kinda like my kids having a battle with nerf guns. Young Boy will be hiding and trying to reload his mismatched magazines with all the odd old bent nerf darts when the Big Boy comes round the corner and totally pastes Young Boy with a barrage of fully automatic nerf fire from his compressed air powered Magstrike (the ultimate nerf gun IMHO). Young Boy bursts into tears and yells you can't shoot me I wasn't ready.

The white paper seems to be setting us up to use old mismatched gear and we ain't going to be ready when the shootin starts. There will be tears and I'm not going to be there to umpire.

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JG mutters...

Posted May 3, 2013
I took dictation (ie shorthand) from Bomber Beazley while working at Parliament House in Canberra in the House of Reps Typing Pool some decades ago. Scary, but I got the job done. Shorthand was a good skill to have. It's a pity I let it slip.

Beazley came across as an intelligent, confident, and nice man with a big presence. Always good to see him striding through Parl House near the coffee shop.

Another fave of mine was Bob Brown. He smiled at me. A lot of the pollies were nice people. Although I never liked Pauline Hanson. I listened to her maiden speech and was working in the Senate when that 4WD crashed through the front gates during her speech.

Working at Parliament House, humanised them, but now I'm pretty cynical about politicians. I guess cynicism comes with age. Have to say that working in Parliament House, although stressful and busy, were the best, most challenging, and fun days of my work life. I worked there as a temp between 1988 and 2002.

Joanna G :)

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tqft ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2013
Until procurement processes are fixed it doesn't matter how good the plans are as how much of the money will be wasted and stuff not delivered.
Can we shoot Admirals who boats aren't seaworthy?

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Murphy has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2013

Dumb questions from Snowy Missouri (in fucking May, for the love of fucking GOD, MAY AND WE STILL HAVE FUCKING SNOW!!!!!!!!).

1. Uh, why don't you like buy shit from the South Koreans? I mean, I know you had that spy scandal and all but they are building all sorts of stuff for their Navy. Has to be cheaper.

2. Did you copy your defense policy management from how we manage our public school systems? If so, know now that you are well and truly fucked up the arse (that is how you Imperials spell it, right?) without vaseline while the fickle finger of fate is sheathed in a forty grit sandpaper condom.

3. Are you all like Pacifists or something?

4. Maybe you need a Legion of former American soldiers. You'd get takers.

Okay, that last wasn't really a question.

Much Lubs from Snowy Missouri (IN FUCKING MAY!!!!!!!!)

Murph

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted May 3, 2013

Murph
If you want a laugh, you can read what happened when the Aust Govt requested the Aust Navy to supply one heavy transport boat to assist when there was a large cyclone (i.e. hurricane) heading towards the Queensland coast.

http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2011/s3157437.htm

Murphy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2013

I understand that the boat was not able to deploy due to maintenance issues, right?

Granted, I've not checked the link but I think I remember that one.

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

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whoisbiggles has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2013

The Tongan soldier on page 34 (look at the picture you'll know who I mean) looks like he's ready to rumble. ;-)

But seriously a document that is twice as long as the Pom's aptly titled "Securing Britain in an Age of Uncertainty: The Strategic Defence and Security Review", and says half as much.

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damian is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2013

I know si vis pacem para bellum and all that, but surely the diplomacy stuff isn't an "instead of" and we'd be doing all that stuff anyway? I mean, I get that diplomacy is all the more effective when you've para'd for a big heap of bellum, but surely that means the more you spend on materiel the more you put into the effort to make nice about it?

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