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2017

Posted January 3 into Blunty by John Birmingham

First Blunty.

So far 2017 is off to a cracking start. It hasn't killed any meme-worthy celebrities. Donald Trump isn't president. And I'm not even scrambling through a post apocalyptic wasteland fighting for rat meat and potable water. So, yeah. Good times. This is a great year so far.

I was going to do piece on this Centrelink datamatching fiasco, but the more I looked into it, the more I needed to look into it. So I might do that in a week or two.

Today's column was a simple and silly return to the keyboard while I sort out my shit for the year. There is a lot of shit to sort.

4 Responses to ‘2017’

Quokka ducks in to say...

Posted January 3
Happy new year JB, & the rest of you lot.

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ShaneAlpha would have you know...

Posted January 3
Another book project there for you JB.

JB's Rat Du Jur, 25 fabulous recipes for cooking in a post-apocalyptic Trumpenesque wasteland.

Surtac is gonna tell you...

Posted January 3
As long as it includes the delicacy Rat-onna-stick.

Happy New Year to all!

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Don Bagert puts forth...

Posted January 3
JB, I wonder if you've noticed that Trump is scheduled to still be President (although a possibly lame-duck one) on January 15, 2021 - the AoT date of the Transition.

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I smashed this avo toast think piece. Smashed it good

Posted October 18 into Blunty by John Birmingham

It was this, or West Papua. I went with the option all the playground was talking about. Even Murph, although he's mostly talking about what an abomination avocado toast really is.

Too late, Murph. The invasion of your food culture has begun.

There is no such thing as twenty-two dollar avocado toast. But maybe there should be. Ridonculous demographer Humbert Blowave may simply have been meeting his clickbait KPIs when he set the dumpster on fire over the weekend, claiming that kids these days should be driving trucks for their country and negatively gearing their second McMansion instead of galavanting about the boulevards combing truffled avo toast from their hipster beards – but his was the hot take we desperately needed.

At Blunty.

16 Responses to ‘I smashed this avo toast think piece. Smashed it good’

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted October 18
It needs an identifying name if it wants to take the mantle from spag bol, otherwise no chance. Smavoto? Smav?

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Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted October 18
Avocado is a blight upon the eye, and a plague upon the palate. The green, slime like texture is cold on the tongue, which at least has the benefit of not feeling like someone has dropped a turd directly into one's mouth. It looks like vomit on bread, and I would call it shit on a shingle if that title had not already been claimed by a far more worthy dish.


As with the tulip bubble, I predict the avocado con ruined toast bubble will pop long before the blight of it ruins the food scene here in the Giant Gerbil Cage of the Midwestern Wastes.

jl is gonna tell you...

Posted October 18
I dunno, maybe avocado toast with Ranch dressing would be okay.

Murphy_of_Missouri puts forth...

Posted October 19
The best way to eat ranch is to throw it in the trash and get something else instead.

jl would have you know...

Posted October 19
Sacrilege! Ranch goes with everything!

Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted October 20
No. Pretty sure it goes with nothing.

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JBtoo ducks in to say...

Posted October 18
Yay Blunty's back!
Although, I'm with Murph - avocado is an abomination, especially when smashed. Haloumi though is another matter entirely.

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ronS puts forth...

Posted October 18
Sydneysiders are being taken for a ride. In Newcastle I had two eggs, smoked salmon and smashed avocado on Turkish for $8.50 a month ago. It was a breakfast special but you don't need to be ripped off.

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Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted October 19
Why is this even a thing?

The only thing that belongs on toast are fried eggs, over medium, and bacon.

Is there estrogen in the water down there or something?

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted October 19
Rhino, you've got it wrong. There is water in their estrogen, just a little bit of it.

damian reckons...

Posted October 19
Fried eggs over easy, while fine things in their own right, are an unsuitable texture for toast and a poor medium for the requisite fresh-ground pepper. Poached in apple cider vinegar with tarragon, or soft-boiled and sliced is the ticket (at least as a stop-gap when avocados are out of season). The toast should be a hard but airy ciabatta. The egg (or avocado) can be topped with a fresh salsa of 2:1 chopped tomato and onion, thinned with a little balsamic vinegar. Basil, mint or coriander (that's cilantro for the philistines) could be used as a garnish or chopped in salsa or avocado. Crispy bacon could be included, but if you're going to do that there's not much point in not also doing fried tomatoes, sausages, steak, potatoes fried in mushroom and garlic, barbecued field mushrooms and of course then you need a plate full of thick-sliced toasted white bread, muesli with fruit and custard, a pot of coffee and a pitcher of orange juice. Some would include baked beans too - but there's just no accounting for some people. Vegemite toast to finish off and you're set up for the day just nicely. Most people should be able to last almost till lunchtime.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted October 20
Fuck me, I thought I was food snob. Where is Boylan when you need him?

insomniac mutters...

Posted October 20
The real question is what the perfect vegemite toast is. While I prefer a lighter toast than ms insomniac, it always needs to be warm when buttering, and it has to be butter, before spreading a thick slather of vegemite, not right to the edge because you need somewhere to get a handhold of this delicious breakfast of champions.

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted October 20
Vegemite comes from the ass end of dead dropbears, right?

insomniac asserts...

Posted October 20
Well yes, but only after mixing it with vaseline

damian reckons...

Posted October 20
"Sorry mate, you're not getting lube"

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All aboard for the Crazy Town express

Posted July 5 into Blunty by John Birmingham

"Gerry Harvey's reported statement that this country needs a dictator is the sort of thing a world-class bozo would say. It's also the sort of thing your average mouth-breathing idiot down the pub would say before he was halfway into his first schooner, but the huge numbers of mouth-breathing idiots who'd agree with Harvey doesn't make his idea right. Just dangerous."

From Blunty

11 Responses to ‘All aboard for the Crazy Town express’

KreepyKrawly mumbles...

Posted July 5
One thing for sure, It's going to be an interesting next 12 months...

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 5
I agree that no one votes for instability. I cringed when I heard that too.

Of course, if Labor form minority government then Pauline is out of the picture, as presumably you'd get Labor + Greens + 1 or 2 independents to pass a bill. Mucho stability then, especially compared with the LNP having to negotiate with Pauline on everything.

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jason asserts...

Posted July 5
Whilst I disagree with the views of many of the parties who appear to have a seat in our new parliament I don't think we can just dismiss them as loonies (event though they are). Seems our nation is made up of a diversity of opinion with an equal right to be heard (even though I disagree with everything they say). Maybe the entrenched views we so oppose are more prevalent in society than we like to imagine (there are way more nut jobs out there than I hoped). I see this as a chance to expose these crazies to the blow torch of logic and debate their ideas (if we cant out argue these mouth breathing numpties with our book learning we are in trouble).

Sadly a democracy represents all the people (even the foolish and racist) and a good government needs to deal with them and still drag the country into the future.

Halwes reckons...

Posted July 5
I think it may be that people are so disillusioned with the major parties and their manipulative, self serving agendas that they've registered a protest vote specifically designed to screw them. Our lives are full of uncertainty and instability so why shouldn't theirs be.? The problem with Hanson is that some of what she says is true. Islam doesn't seem to like us very much which is fair enough because many of us don't like it. I lived in North Africa for 6 months and witnessed first hand how they treat women. We can't ignore the teachings and interpretations of the Koran just the same as we can't do it with some of the zany interpretations of the bible. And then, if we challenge them, we are called racist and likely to get some sort of payback. Crony capitalism is also alive and well which further disenfranchises the working class. I don't welcome Hanson back at all but, as I live and work in working class areas, I am hearing more and more people that agree with her. The mob that I speak to can't be simply classed as foolish and racist because they aren't. They are intelligent tradespeople and others who want nothing more than to feed their families in safety and get jobs for their kids. They refuse to like people that think that their Aussie daughters are no better than dogs and that's how it should be. Labor didn't do well at all. Most of their seats were gained with preferences from the minor parties. The way they are patting themselves on the back at the moment is bordering on delusional in my opinion. Or, more likely, they know that it's bullshit and we are just being subjected to more spin. I consider myself to be left of Labor, I love our multicultural society and think that organised religion is dangerous bullshit. Plenty don't agree with me which is why it is important that I consider their opinions and don't just write them off as foolish and racist. Further polarisation of our country isn't going to help our children.

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Aaron puts forth...

Posted July 5
If only those breathers voting for the nit jobs actually voted based on a simple appraisal of what they were voting on. They were probably protest voting, the whole nation was just with varying degrees of intelligence. And so it goes

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pitpat reckons...

Posted July 5
I saw it as a vote for the centre and stability. The problem is that the centre vote is spilt by the Lib and Lab camps. Policy wise and economically there is bugger all difference, idealogically there maybe a chasm, but FFS build a bridge and get over it.
Otherwise it is a bunch of social justice stuff - all worthy in the eyes of the proponents- that at the end of the days only concerns pretty small percentages in any meaningful sense but can be used as the crutch for special interest parties that have been gifted an opportunity to gain an upper seat house due to the DD and an arcane quota system.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon has opinions thus...

Posted July 5
I've always said that dictators are good for solving short term problems (whether for good or bad). The issue is getting rid of them once their job is done. I hear a water canon over in London is going cheap. Maybe we could rent try buy it?

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NBlob mutters...

Posted July 5
I tend to agree with the "protest vote" "a pox on both your houses" hypothesis, but.

There is So much at stake.

The profligate pork promises to the X benches will be preposterous.
Real reform pretty much only occurs when Party Z has sufficient political capital that they can afford to take a hit or two.

I doubt anything of note on the ten biggest issues will be done before the next fed election, be it next year or 2019.

Halwes asserts...

Posted July 5
I think the Libs are going to get a majority and will continue to send our jobs to China, just like Labor did, and feather the already plush beds of the multinationals. I believe that Shorten knows that the Libs are headed for a majority as well which makes his posturing all the more galling to me.

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Halwes swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 6
What do you reckon are the 10 biggest issues?

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Therbs ducks in to say...

Posted July 6
Definitely an "Up yours!" sentiment. Hanson took the old PUP votes which shows that what you need to do is simply challenge the "out-of-touch" status quo, talk about "Real Straya" and say you want Straya for Strayans whether it be farms, corner shops, schools or churches. Hanson does it by hooking into Islam and Asians, because what on earth do Muslims and Asians have to do with Real Straya? Also, some people like angry red heads.

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First we kill the reef, then we kill ourselves

Posted May 31 into Blunty by John Birmingham

The Great Barrier Reef is almost certainly doomed. But that's OK, because our own doom is only probable, not certain. It will die before we do. It will die because of us. But we are such a resourceful, inventive, endlessly self-seeking species that we might yet survive the catastrophe we have visited upon the planet. Maybe in domes.

Yes, huge city-sized domes with a Soylent Green stall on every corner. That would be cool.

At Blunty.

10 Responses to ‘First we kill the reef, then we kill ourselves’

jl would have you know...

Posted May 31
It's a damn, crying shame.

"Soylent Green is people". Will we be reduced to that?

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Blarkon would have you know...

Posted May 31
Need Splodey Eco-Warrior-Fiction. Saving the planet, one splosion at a time.

Of course the Space Lizard books come first because Space Lizards. But eventually Splodey Eco-Warrior-Fiction. Something like Havock finally deciding to go Green in the splodeyest way possible.

Halwes asserts...

Posted June 1
Have you read "The Monkey Wrench Gang".? One of my all time favourites. Explosions, sex, drugs. How can you go wrong?

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 2
Think the right time for splodey eco-warrior fiction was the 90s. I mean we probably had it but everyone labelled it as extremist. Sure it doesn't seem that way now but looking back, some of the individuals weren't as likable as you might wish either. Bit late now - for every Paul Watson there are 10 dentists shooting lions. Guess that doesn't mean we can't turn it around, especially targeting the young adult market (readers, that is, not lions).

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Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted May 31
Best the family and I visit again before its gone....

Therbs swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 31
Better be quick.

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31
Bleat all you like about white coral and other irrelevant organisms passing on.
The future is Domes! Tax-loopholed, ultra secure, home domes.
Get in quick, Free debentures for my dome construction company are sitting on the table outside the entrance. Don't hurt yourselves in the rush.

Nocturnalist is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31
Ben Elton did a novel about this, where every first-world household had an environmentally self-contained "Claustrosphere" in the back yard.

JBtoo would have you know...

Posted May 31
And then there's Clade, by James Bradley

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damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 2
I especially liked the bit about the oompah band.

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West End Growing Pains

Posted April 12 into Blunty by beeso

Governments in QLD have the architectural responsibility from changing Brisbane from a big version of Gympie to a modern working city. Sometimes they get it wrong.

At BLUNTY

3 Responses to ‘West End Growing Pains’

NBlob asserts...

Posted April 12

"Let all men know how empty and worthless is the power of kings {& moral outrage} for there is none of that name but god {and property developers}, whom heaven and earth and sea obey. King Knut 995-1035

There are examples of the densification of population that work well for all affected, the shop-keep gets more customers, the transport infrastructure works betterer and residents get somewhere pleasant & appropriate to live with space for art & community & play and and and. However this requires considerable involvement (see $) by planning authorities; community engagement, collaborative design, greenspacing and creativity aint free you know. Far cheaper & easier to throw it to the developers and trust The Market to sort it out.

Unfortunately The Market is driven by ROI, not liveability.

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Des swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 12
As a southsider, it occurred to me only the other day that there are two refuges left for the fringe dwellers of my era (and i include myself in that category), namely West End, and the humble but earthy Stones Corner, which perhaps of all the inner city hubs, is least affected by the anonymous modern makeovers which have rendered places like Balmoral and New Farm so stultifyingly dull. I note though that this last bastion is about to be overwhelmed by the tide, with a number of high rise apartment complexes going up between there and the Wooloongabba five ways. Brisbane has become one of the most atomised and disconnected places i have experienced, and i live close to the 'thick' of things. it will only get worse.

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Des reckons...

Posted April 12
the shortsightedness of town planning has its living embodiment in the large but young fig tree outside the Stones Corner pub. locals of a certain age will remember it replaced a rather hideous hourglass fountain, built in the early seventies...on the site of a large old fig tree, which and stood there since the 19th century.

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That time I smoked cones with a blue koala

Posted April 4 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Sometimes, you just gotta go early to catch the news.

“Dude, seriously, let me pack that cone. You got no thumbs.”

Borobi squinted at me through the thick haze of weed smoke.

“Don’t patronise me, JB,” he muttered. “I’m special now, bro. You gotta show some respect.”

But he was already three buckets into the wind and it took him a long time time to say this, what with all the coughing and wheezing getting distracted by his breakfast beer.

He necked the last half of the beer in one long pull, belched enormously, and fell back against the front of the brown couch. Traffic roared past outside our flat at Nobby’s but Rob’ didn’t hear it. He just lay there on the floor contentedly drumming his fat, greasy paws on the matted and filthy blue fur of his grossly distended belly.

At Blunty.

9 Responses to ‘That time I smoked cones with a blue koala’

Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted April 4
A shame they didn't choose the mountain possum on 'roids.

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Dave W reckons...

Posted April 4
See, this is what happens when you don't crowd-source your mascot or its name.

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pitpat puts forth...

Posted April 4
And people say we don't do classy.At least it isn't subtle.

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pitpat reckons...

Posted April 4
And people say we don't do classy.At least it isn't subtle.Maybe seen as a bit of a liability once his addictions become more widely known, even less so once his lack of sexual health is revealed.

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JG has opinions thus...

Posted April 4
Well I'm shocked, Borobi. You looked so light, fit, and fresh faced on the news tonight. It's a pity I missed you dropping in at Burleigh Heads as I was swimming at that very spot yesterday, and running past there this afternoon. I like your big ears and bright blue look, and I can't believe you're a sloth. No, I won't believe JB. You are too nimble and fast moving, Borobi. I can't believe you are a slothful koala unless I see it for myself. Joanna



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Adam Denny mumbles...

Posted April 4
Them Bucket Minions huddle in the shadowing backstreets behind San Francisco tenement buildings, the only thing that pisses them off when some out of the towner reckons there's some cos playing girl trapped inside the fur. That golden medical marijuana card clutched between their jaws just begging to be stolen, so you as well can get ripped enough to reckon maybe The Phantom Menace wasn't so bad after all. Only those jaws come down, and the snort of surrounding giggles is loud enough to block the sound of tourist screaming. Then the Bucket Minions pass the Bong Trooper Helmet, for your pain to melllow while they find recompense in your wallet. Next thing you know your back on Market Street, them minions be gone.

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Bondiboy66 reckons...

Posted April 5
What the fuck is it about Big Games like the Olympics/Commonwealth Games that they have to have one or more positively ridiculous mascots? Often looking like the product of a big night on the piss and charlie from some second rate ad firm's art department...what, they think they are going to flog off more merchandise with the daft mascot included (possibly making enough to pay off the overpriced ad co.s art department)?

Oh, and I dunno whats up with the BT comments thing...but it don't work for me.

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GhostSwirv puts forth...

Posted April 5
So the Navy had to winch Robbo into position for the presser cos he was toooooo maggoted to move off the couch under his own steam - I just wanna know how you got home JB, an UBER hovercraft or did you simply wait till Robbo was airlifted to safety before dropping the clutch and driving your self-drive couch home to the burbs?

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dweeze mutters...

Posted April 5
Bring back "Fatso, the fat arsed wombat".

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