Cheeseburger Gothic

He's not the messiah. He's a bricklayer

Posted March 29, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

With half a billion dollars. Or not:

Maybe the pile of unpaid bills on the kitchen bench isn't getting any smaller. Maybe you only half-fill the petrol tank to save on burning fuel driving the weight of a full tank around. Maybe, like me, you have on occasion resorted to shamelessly feeding yourself from the free samples at the supermarket on a Saturday morning.

But by god, if Lucky Phil can pull this off, so can we. And unlike the real crooks, who are all listed on the stock exchange, we won't hide our well-gotten gains in some shady offshore account. We'll put it on the keycard, openly, honestly. All 600 million dollars of it.

Because, you know, wow.

At Blunty.

8 Responses to ‘He's not the messiah. He's a bricklayer’

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted March 29, 2016
For 600 million dollars I'm willing to give hard, honest work a go."
Coughbullshitcough


John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 29, 2016
I said six hundred million. Not five hundred million.

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Dave W would have you know...

Posted March 29, 2016
Maybe the account was in Zambian Kwacha. We were squillionaires for a couple of days when we visited, although K8000 for a fanta took some of the edge off it.

Lulu mumbles...

Posted March 29, 2016
The closest I've had to your kwacha experience was in Hungary in 2010, when the exchange rate was about 200 forint to A$1.00. First time I drew money from an ATM was in Budapest, & I got a 10,000 HUF note.

insomniac reckons...

Posted March 29, 2016
And I thought paying $28 for coke in Hong Kong was bad.

LikeABus has opinions thus...

Posted March 29, 2016
$28 for coke. Bargain! I paid $300 for half a gram over the weekend.

Dave W would have you know...

Posted March 30, 2016
Mrs W went to the ATM, got scared at the zeros and withdrew about K50,000. Which was enough to pay for a snack and drink. Sent her back to the ATM.

Halwes puts forth...

Posted March 31, 2016
300 BUCKS? Haven't you heard. The synthetic stuff is the go now. $ 25 They see god and the devil simultaneously and get fully funded accommodation for a lifetime. Thank god for prohibition. No more reefer madness. It's safe now because it's synthetic.

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Carob Nazis

Posted March 22, 2016 into Blunty by beeso

Do you want the carob nazis to end civilisation? Well, do you?

At Blunty...

13 Responses to ‘Carob Nazis’

Lulu mutters...

Posted March 22, 2016
I have a question for the Queenslanders. If rabbits are a prohibited / pest species in your great state, who brings the kids their chocolate eggs? The Easter Guinea Pig?

NBlob reckons...

Posted March 22, 2016
Cassowary

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon would have you know...

Posted March 22, 2016
to avoid accusations of invalid arguments due to godwins law can we update the reference using alliteration: Carob Caliphate?

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insomniac reckons...

Posted March 22, 2016
I usually send my kids chocolate eggs, except now there is a third generation, and only just starting to eat, so I bought a boxed egg with a hard plastic shell, removed the egg from its wrapper and substituted chocolate custard baby food in its place prior to sending it off across the country. My daughter is obviously waiting for Easter to open the egg for the little one as she hasn't mentioned it yet, and ms insomniac only just asked me what happened to the chocolate egg itself. I of course pleaded ignorance and refused to answer her wild and spurious accusations.
Also, I once was given a hard candy egg, sometime in the 70s. It was not a happy day.

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DarrenBloomfield would have you know...

Posted March 22, 2016
My 5 yo does not like chocolate*. I try. I give him eggs every Easter. He embraces them enthusiastically... but inevitably they get thrown out after a week of sitting, nibbled at best, unwrapped at worst, beside his bed.

At least now he has a little brother that will eat them for him this year.

*I have failed as a parent, haven't I?

insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted March 22, 2016
Some kids are just born that way, so no failure as yet. Consider the following:
My 15 yo does not like girls. I try. I give him girls every Easter.
He embraces them enthusiastically... but inevitably they get thrown out
after a week of sitting, nibbled at best, unwrapped at worst, beside his
bed.
That would be failure as a parent, or possibly legendary.

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ShaneAlpha is gonna tell you...

Posted March 22, 2016
Eldest nephew and niece have asked for their chocolate eggs to be donated to the poor, the sanctimonious little shits. Can't buy extra for the younger nephews as other sister doles them out to them like she's working for the DSS under Toned Abs. So, fuck 'em, I think I'll just ask myself, what would Dave do?

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dweeze mutters...

Posted March 22, 2016
It is made from the dirt that the source of real chocolate, the cacao tree, is grown in. Much the same as decaf coffee is made from the dirt under the coffee plant.

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Rob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 22, 2016
Back when I was a Catholic child,( you know when your parents are staunch Catholics and you are made one too, even though you prefer that your parents were Jedi) I used to love Easter and Christmas the midnight mass, the good Friday stuff, Passover , the Easter bunny leaving bunny fluff, paw prints and carrot leavings left around the house. And the chocolate, a fat suburban kids dream. But then I became an atheist and for some reason the chocolate doesn't taste as sweet without the catholic guilt associated with the pain of a man being nailed to a tree for being different. or a hippy, I forget.

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Ghostswirv mumbles...

Posted March 22, 2016
I think Lano and Woodley represented the true spirit of the Easter Bunny best - I'd post the link but I always stuff it up.

Check it out on YouTube but make sure you have a mouthful of chocolate first - just to better enjoy the delight and joy on the faces of the children.

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JG reckons...

Posted March 22, 2016
Real chocolate for me. I confess to having started eating Easter eggs a week ago. Once again, I bought them too early and gave into temptation.
I wish companies wouldn't wreck colourful Easter eggs with their logos printed all over the foil. I'm sure Easter eggs of old used to have gorgeous patterned foil without brand selling over entire egg wrappers.

FormerlyKnownAsSimon asserts...

Posted March 23, 2016
A week ago? I'm sure i was eating them a week after christmas

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Senator Boxhead

Posted March 8, 2016 into Blunty by beeso

Is The Brick with Eyes, Boxhead and Big Mal really worse for democracy then Bernadi, Bishop and Bullock?

At Blunty....

2 Responses to ‘Senator Boxhead’

Nocturnalist mumbles...

Posted March 8, 2016
Answering Insomniac's comment over there, I read recently that Michaelia Cash got fewer primary votes than Ricky Muir did, and she's now a Cabinet Minister.

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pi asserts...

Posted March 8, 2016
If the brief-lived political career of Mal Meninga is any guide, it's a bit of a step-down in the accountability-stakes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dt--SGmIKIQ

Living proof that some ex-footballers have more integrity than your average political hack. He couldn't bullshit for more than 28 seconds. You could do worse.

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I have a job for the Police Minister

Posted March 1, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

At Blunty...

I'm sure that like the Police Minister we have all "occasionally used firearms to dispose of vermin from residential properties at various times". And if we have not, I'm sure we have all occasionally wished that such a thing were possible. Possums, rats, Mormons, there are very few annoyances that cannot be profitably addressed by a couple of rounds of buckshot.

(Not being as sure on the trigger as the Dead-Eye Dick currently polishing the ministerial leather for the Police Service, I would opt for a generous spread of shot, rather than pin-point accuracy, were this state's ridiculous laws against discharging firearms within the home not so outrageously restrictive.)

2 Responses to ‘I have a job for the Police Minister’

Dave W is gonna tell you...

Posted March 1, 2016
I always thought that when a Qld police minister uses the expression vermin, they weren't referring to rodents or toads. I thought it was hippies and students. Or is this a throw-back to a more Bjelkian times?

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jason reckons...

Posted March 1, 2016
Urban Myth busted.
I thought Elvis was just shooting TVs in a peanut butter and cooking oil induced haze. Turns out he had just opened a pest control business and was shooting the varmints around his house. Just a pity he was a bad shot.

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Bringin' the stoopid

Posted February 9, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

THE CSIRO climate science cuts. At Blunty.

They'll be roaring with laughter around the board table at Big Oil as they light themselves another fistful of stogies and wonder whether whether they can afford their own cutbacks to all of the pseudoscientific climate change denier foundations and institutes they've been funding for years.

So grotesquely irresponsible is this vandalism that it is being widely reported in the overseas media, not just in scientific circles in but in the business press such as Forbes, which ran a story on the cuts yesterday entitled, "Australia Cutting Basic Climate Science Research Is 'Head in the Sand' 101".

Still, the cuts will save hundreds of millions of dollars and with the budget under such strain we can't do everything, of course.

Those school chaplains ain't gonna pay for themselves, you know.

7 Responses to ‘Bringin' the stoopid’

insomniac mutters...

Posted February 9, 2016
I couldn't believe it when I saw that 7.30 interview. I can't believe he is actually a scientist and spout that garbage. The best term I have seen going so far is "spiv".

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Blarkon is gonna tell you...

Posted February 9, 2016
An increasing amount of "knowledge work" can be automated. So it's quite possible that CSIRO can maintain or increase its basic climate data collection and analysis through non-human resources. You don't need someone physically checking a rain guage, a wind speed meter, or a thermometer anymore. You can just deploy an instrument package that phones home the data at regular intervals. And for the price of a human being, you can afford quite a few remote instrument packages. Monitoring is something that's going to almost exclusively be done by robots and automated systems. The days of people taking manual measurements are as far gone as the days of people using typewriters and fax machines (which means yes there are some holdouts - but there are also people who still send telegrams)
This is happening all over the economy. A recent Oxford study suggests that within a couple of decades, 50% of current jobs will be automated away. We aren't talking about factory jobs, we're talking about a lot of stuff that in the past required a university degree.

We're seeing increasing numbers of "lights out" datacenters - where tens of thousands of servers hum away without requiring much in the way of human interaction. Facebook has got to the point where one admin can be responsible for 25K servers.

Big data analytics has been progressing at warp speed. Instead of teams of analysts combing over data, you can have smaller teams of people working with orders of magnitudes more data.

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Blarkon reckons...

Posted February 9, 2016
Put another way - it's quite possible that through improvements in automation and data analysis technologies, the CSIRO can learn a lot more about climate even though they have fewer staff - because a lot of that non-apex knowledge work can be handed off to computers.

Peter in the Bleachers mutters...

Posted February 9, 2016
Blakon
Having looked after the automated equipment you refer to, it takes someone with some idea how it all works to ensure you get credible data. As we all know anyone can deploy modern complex equipment in the Southern Ocean. Further I don't think that all 300 odd jobs are just people who 'collect' the information. I would hazard a guess that a few of them are well regarded scientists who interpret the data and then use it for modelling climate change etc.
Poor decisions are made when the information used to make the decisions is poor. In this case I find it extraordinary that CSIRO are cutting positions like this when the PM is claiming we need to be a smarter and knowledgeable nation!

NBlob puts forth...

Posted February 9, 2016
Interesting perspective Lord Blarkon, however I suspect it will be some time before 'your plastic pal who's fun to be around' can pose the big questions, then notice when 1 +1 = Antichinus.
JB frequently refers to "be skeptical of the story one most wants to believe" I think this may apply in this instance. Those on my side of the divide are predisposed to accuse the guvmint of carbon feulled ludditism.

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GhostSwirv asserts...

Posted February 9, 2016

For a moment there JB I thought I had transwarped over to the wrong thread and Dawes was a character in your magnificent malignant Here Be Monsters.

And then I realised we are indeed overrun by zombies in this universe, hell bent on eating any brain that is capable of sentient thought and reasoned consciousness.

Where of where is Jane Austen with 12 - gauge when we need her?

Sudragon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 9, 2016
She handed it in during the gun amnesty.

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It put me right off my schnitzel

Posted February 2, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

De facto nudity.

In my face.

At Blunty.

19 Responses to ‘It put me right off my schnitzel’

BigWillieStyle puts forth...

Posted February 2, 2016

Testify. I swim at my local pool several times a week, and I had a nekkid encounter the other day. Hirsute fellow who was sharing my lane wandered into the changeroom a few minutes after me, then proceeded to separate himself from his Speedos, lean casually against the wall next to where I was towelling down, and tried to engage me in conversation about my freestyle. "Hey man, that's a smooth technique you've got there. How often do you train?" "Umm, I dunno, coupla times a week." "Yeah, yeah, cool. So, what time do you normally come down? Don't think I've seen you here before." "Well, it varies, y'know. Please leave me alone now."

Yeesh. I managed to make my getaway fairly smartly, but I could swear he called out as I exited, "If you ever need anything, I'm the Ffederal MP for Warringah."

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w from brisbane reckons...

Posted February 2, 2016
Exactly right, JB. On this topic, Rugby League legend, Rex 'The Moose' Mossop, put it in a nutshell (oops) when he said, "Nobody should have to put up with having genitalia rammed down their throat."

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted February 2, 2016
Public nudity should only be practiced by attractive women. There. I said it. Had to be done.

Lulu puts forth...

Posted February 2, 2016
PNB, I've been in gym change rooms & let me say that it's not always what it's cracked up to be. I concede that a male perspective might be different, but as a woman who is not a gynaecologist, there are certain angles from which I don't need to see other women.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted February 2, 2016
I admit my observation was idealistic and gender specific, not pragmatic.

Rhino asserts...

Posted February 2, 2016
A bold and courageous observation nonetheless.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted February 3, 2016
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-02-02/nude-yoga-baring-all-health-relaxation/7130906

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w from brisbane asserts...

Posted February 2, 2016
My sister was staying at a beach house just near Byron Bay. As she threw open the curtains in the morning, the first sight that greeted her was a naked woman standing on her head.

safzoro swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 2, 2016
Hopefully the woman was standing on her own head, and not your sister's. That would be even more shocking, to have a naked woman fall out of the curtains and onto your head. Very disconcerting.

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Therbs mumbles...

Posted February 2, 2016
Quite apt that the release of "Here Be Monsters" accompanied today's monster tale.

Dave W asserts...

Posted February 2, 2016
Urgh, that veiny monster.

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insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted February 2, 2016
Ms insomniac's daughter resides in Byron, and she has mentioned the fellow in question on a couple of occasions.

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Shifty Tourist puts forth...

Posted February 2, 2016
My partner's father, a well-to-do older gentlemen, who, like many older gentlemen has gone through the usual fads. Fast impractical cars, new wives, motorcycles... but relevant for our purposes, yoga. My partner, and her step-sisters went to stay with her father for a long weekend, and one morning had the misfortune to wander into his exercise room during the performance of said yoga.... Alas, the father had neglected gym clothes or any stitch at all. The entire butchershop was on display in horrifying, horrifying ways.
Needless to say there is a strict, though frequently broken on the discussion of this incident in front of the step sisters.

Shifty Tourist ducks in to say...

Posted February 2, 2016
"though frequently broken >ban< on discussion..."
.... damn failure to proofread.

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted February 2, 2016
Trigger warning!

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JG ducks in to say...

Posted February 2, 2016
This reminds me of a dream I had a long, long time ago. 'Twas a dream that I boarded a bus naked on the main street in Wagga Wagga. Now I lived in WW many decades ago during and post my first ventures as a uni student (back before the institution got renamed, twice). Anyhow, I've always had this dread... was it a dream, or did it really happen? I'm 99 per cent sure it was a dream, but there's always this niggle of a doubt. Those were my marijuana, pseudo (wannabe) hippy, and nude/life drawing artist model years, after all. Glad I got off the stuff. I don't think the sight of a naked other should be forced on one. I admire the human body as a work of art, but that doesn't mean I want to see everybody take their clothes off. Try a cool eye bath, JB. May you live peaceably with the horrid memory of the Byron beastie.

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safzoro would have you know...

Posted February 2, 2016
I grew up with a nudist family. Nothing shocks me. NOTHING shocks me.

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NBlob mutters...

Posted February 2, 2016
When I achieve Benevolent Despot status I shall enact statutes restricting budgie-smugglers more stringently than automatic weapons. SWMBO worked in a beachside bank branch & old dudes would wander in off the beach & discuss investment loans with the slug more or less at her eye-level. Why is it that the less anyone else wants to see you nude, the more likely one is to drop trou?

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jennicki is gonna tell you...

Posted February 3, 2016
I have a whole new appreciation for the definition of schnitzel.

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