Cheeseburger Gothic

"Call Mister Morrison to the stand..."

Posted September 9, 2014 into Blunty by John Birmingham

The Queensland Coroner will investigate the death of an asylum seeker.

At Blunty.

8 Responses to ‘"Call Mister Morrison to the stand..."’

BigWillieStyle mutters...

Posted September 9, 2014

In February 2008, newly elected MP Scott Morrison made his maiden speech in Parliament, in which he stated his admiration for Desmond Tutu and William Wilberforce. He also made a passionate declaration that Australia should provide more aid to Africa.

As time went by, and his party lurched further to the right under the leadership of Toned Abs, the Morrison of February 2008 morphed into the snarling, arrogant, inhumane ideologue we know and love today. JB, I very much doubt Morrison is about to receive a lesson in humility. If called before the Coroner, he will deny, obfuscate, blame the ALP, obfuscate some more, possibly make reference to Team Australia, get shouty, deny again, fail to recall certain conversations, then receive tummy rubs from Alan Jones and the Murdochracy.

These people are beyond redemption.

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted September 9, 2014
Sigh. Yeah. I know. But you gotta give people some hope.

damian ducks in to say...

Posted September 9, 2014
Morrison was a year or two ahead of me at high school, so around 5 years after Bedes. Have speculated with others on the merits of luring with a faux reunion, getting him blind drunk and leaving him naked in Martin Place with a roll of $100 notes in his arse. But frankly that sort of thing is bollocks when proper legal sanctions are available as may be the case if the coroner is allowed to go further without political interference. Not a thing to be especially hopeful about with the present state govt either I suppose.

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Surtac would have you know...

Posted September 9, 2014


What Big Willie said.

These sleazebags will find a way to slither out from under any form of accepting responsibility or accountability for their actions or inactions.

And in other news a connection from Credlin to ICAC. Well, there's a surprise. Not.

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Dave W ducks in to say...

Posted September 9, 2014
I love the derpy people who say that someone cuts their own foot, it's their own problem. Bah. So what that they were in custody and therefore are reliant on someone else providing medical attention. Damn I get depressed at how the world must be black and white because Derpy McDerp says it must be.

BigWillieStyle reckons...

Posted September 9, 2014
Just been reading the communtz over at Blunty. Plenty of Derpy McDerps with something to say, and quite a few Fuckwit McDipshits as well. Basically, "Hey, Ruddgillard personally drowned 1,000 people at sea, so this death doesn't even count and anyway the guy was here illegally and I'm an insular redneck who's never left my own suburb let alone the country" seems to cover 98% of the thoughts being expressed. Only with bad grammar and lamentable punctuation thrown in. Fuck! When did this country become so bloody nasty?

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Lulu ducks in to say...

Posted September 9, 2014
Cannot stand the man.

Unfortunately it's his name (I think?) at the bottom of my citizenship certificate. If I didn't actually need the document, I would 'accidentally' singe that part of it on the gas stove.

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 9, 2014
That is a most excellent reason for me not taking out my citizenship in the near term.

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STRONG CHOICES WRITE MIGHTY SEX COLUMN.

Posted August 19, 2014 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Late yesterday arvo I was faced with one of those conundrums which arise in this gig. Whether to write a serious column or a stupid one.

And then I realised, why choose.

LET MR STRONG CHOICES DO BOTH.

Blunty:

Dear Mr Strong Choices

My husband and I have always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but recently he’s been terribly worried by the indefensible $500-a-day service charge which seems purpose designed to destroy the solar power industry in Queensland. He says he stills loves me but the physical side of our relationship has been ruined by your strange and inexplicable hostility to renewable energy.

Why, Mr Strong Choices? Why? Solar power is hot, powerful, strong and long-lasting. Why have you denied me this pleasure?

Advertisement

Yours,

MY, New Farm

STRONG CHOICES HULK SMASH HUSBAND’S FLACCID WILLY ON HEAVY IRON ANVIL. SEE HOW HUSBAND LIKE THAT WHEN WILLY DOCTORS ALL SACKED FROM HOSPITALS BECAUSE STRONG CHOICES HULK SMASHED THEM TOO. GAH!!!

14 Responses to ‘STRONG CHOICES WRITE MIGHTY SEX COLUMN. ’

Dave W ducks in to say...

Posted August 19, 2014
This strong choices character is truly the gift that keeps on giving. You Queenslander's are so lucky.

Bunyip would have you know...

Posted August 19, 2014
Yup. We only have.... umm...

Oh, yeah, Dennis the "No Worries" vet.

Zzzzzzzz....

Lulu is gonna tell you...

Posted August 19, 2014
Bunyip, you forgot Geoff Shaw. OTOH, still a bit zzzzzz ...

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pi has opinions thus...

Posted August 19, 2014
Seriously though... does it actually even remotely look like these guys are going to get voted out? How many seats would they need to lose? Eleventy gazillion?


MickH has opinions thus...

Posted August 19, 2014
Well in the last by-election they had a swing against them of over 18%
So yeah, probably, hope so. Whats more possible however is the prospect of Can-Do losing his seat

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Josh swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2014

I didn't live here in Qld (and was too young) during the Jo days. Is this what we're going back to ? Because if so, my home state is looking much better.

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Dino not to be confused with is gonna tell you...

Posted August 19, 2014
Captain,
It appears my comments are too risque for the 'Burger'.
Chious...

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Dino not to be confused with reckons...

Posted August 19, 2014
What do they call those flabby triceps?

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Dino not to be confused with mutters...

Posted August 19, 2014
Torpedo away...

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Dino not to be confused with swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2014
1975,
Whitlam gone cause of the GG Kerr.
WTF happened there?
When will Cosgrove have the balls to do 'somthing'?

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Dino not to be confused with swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2014
Captain,
I will be taking two personnel from the Ship.
Disembarking.
Job to do.
Hand to Hand.
I expect all of us will return.

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I hate gardens and gardening

Posted August 12, 2014 into Blunty by John Birmingham

They are hateful. But might soon tasty.

At Blunty.

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Give me back my $170

Posted July 29, 2014 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Global warming a scam? Excellent. Can I have my money back then, Mr Treasurer?

At Blunty.

Or, a personal fave, genuine complaints from the CIA cafeteria.

2. Condiments are serious business

“Please put back the individual packets of ketchup, mustard & mayonnaise. The large pump boxes of these items are not convenient to use, causing frustration & are not liked by many people.”

The above quote is merely a brief excerpt from a long and deeply impassioned rant praising the superiority of individual packets and detailing the brutal struggle of using the pumps. This poor employee even had to go through the strenuous effort of putting down his food and drink just to be able to obtain his condiment of choice. Clearly the CIA must act immediately to end this humanitarian crisis.

10 Responses to ‘Give me back my $170’

Lulu puts forth...

Posted July 29, 2014
Your problem is likely that 2014 isn't an election year in Qld. It is in Vic, so my last water bill included a $100 bribe from the state govt's "fairer water bills initiative" (or some such). It seems to be $100 per household, regardless of size, so as a single person living in an apartment, that $100 is enough to cover approx 8 months of water.

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pi would have you know...

Posted July 29, 2014
Some serious butt-hurt goin on in the comments of blunty.

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Anthony puts forth...

Posted July 29, 2014

the CIA Cafeteria complaints really stunned, shocked and amazed me...


The CIA employs vegans???

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted July 29, 2014
I adore large pump boxes.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 29, 2014
In all fairness, even the small ones are good. What matters, really, is the combination of the two.

insomniac asserts...

Posted July 29, 2014
medium?

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w from brisbane asserts...

Posted July 29, 2014
I have an unhappy history with condiment sachets.
Both in getting them open and also in avoiding wearing the contents.

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Anthony asserts...

Posted July 29, 2014

At the risk of sounding Dinoish and paranoid, I'm not sure I'd trust the sachets. If they got them mixed up they might explode and blow your hand off.


Dino not to be confused with is gonna tell you...

Posted July 29, 2014
Anthony,
'and paranoid' is a tautology.
The only wetwork I ever did was in a cafeteria.
Knocked a glass of water over.
It was so embarrassing.
Locating the invisible.

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Dino not to be confused with is gonna tell you...

Posted July 29, 2014
I need the cash JB.
Seriously.
As for the 150 I owe ya I'll pay ya when the Qld Gov'mint does.
Or before.
Probably before.
I am good for it.
Just wait a little longer...

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I will be forever grateful to Mr Strong Choices

Posted July 22, 2014 into Blunty by John Birmingham

When you're on deadline, without time to waste on blogging, he always come through.

At Blunty.

22 Responses to ‘I will be forever grateful to Mr Strong Choices’

BigWillieStyle reckons...

Posted July 22, 2014

Off topic. I bought a hardback copy of "Leviathan" from my local library yesterday. Fifty cents, it was. In the discarded pile out the front.

Are you entitled to a royalty?

insomniac asserts...

Posted July 22, 2014
Not sure about the royalty, but surely JB is entitled to some dignity

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted July 22, 2014
Checking on the online catalogue, the Brisbane library service still retains 7 copies of Leviathan, plus an electronic copy.
Which is an amazing accolade to JB's writing. Because obviously, it couldn't be the subject matter.

Rob ducks in to say...

Posted July 23, 2014


My beautiful top condition second hand copy of Leviathan arrived yesterday from jolly ole England. It cost one whole penny and 4 pound postage. be great if JB comes down to Hobart sometime soon,it will be my shout to make up for the lack of royalties.

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pitpat asserts...

Posted July 22, 2014
Ah Newman, the gift that keeps on giving

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Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted July 22, 2014
Queensland - A Game of Cletuses

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Quokka ducks in to say...

Posted July 22, 2014
Therbs - Game of Drones, more like it.
I heard Canned Ooh on 612 yesterday muttering about mending fences or some such with the judiciary. I assume he'll use razor wire.

damian has opinions thus...

Posted July 22, 2014
Game of Thongs. Because there are so many places to which one should not go, and this lights the way with blazing neon.

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Legless ducks in to say...

Posted July 22, 2014
Just heard that Mr Strong Choices is going to redouble his efforts in Queensland.

You poor, poor bastards......

Sharky puts forth...

Posted July 22, 2014
Hi Legless
OT, but can u check your PM at the SP?

Cheers

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MickH ducks in to say...

Posted July 22, 2014
I admit it.
I voted for Newman (but Labor won my seat)
I was over Bligh and her dysfunctional gang.
I wanted to give Can-do a go, you know, just to see how he'd go.
Holy shit!
I didn't expect:
The arrogance!
The bullying!
The attack on our Medical system!
The attack on our Judiciary system!
The fascism!!
The 'over-the-top' approach to dealing with bike gangs!
Pink jumpsuits? OMG! grow up!!

And don't get me started on the Federal fuckwits and NO I didn't vote for Abbott.
I Hate Abbot on many levels, I have for some time. When he became Prime Minister it was a case of Homer's 'Noooooooooooo' for me.

I'm seriously concerned with the turn Australian politics has taken towards the extreme right. Are these guys that out of touch with the average Aussie? Christ! its like we have aliens governing us. Certainly not Australians. or the typical Australian that I know.

I am so concerned that I am thinking of giving up my swinging voter status and joining the Labor party. (its only 5 bucks!)

We have to get this country back on track so many of us have to give up our Australian apathy and do something about it.

insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted July 22, 2014
Ms insomniac turned to the labor party last year. I would too but I don't get to vote

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tqft puts forth...

Posted July 22, 2014
Gonna be tougher from 1 August when new standards from the Australian press Council apply.
While I am sure you could take their wet lettucing if you cross the line, Fairfax lawyers may not be so forgiving

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Anthony puts forth...

Posted July 22, 2014

New LNP slogan:


Making it even more Queensland!!!

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ShaneAlpha mumbles...

Posted July 22, 2014
HULK MAKE STRONG CHOICES!
PEOPLE NOT LIKE STRONG CHOICES!
HULK SAD.
PEOPLE STUPID.

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ShaneAlpha puts forth...

Posted July 22, 2014
Birmo for PM!

(because, hey, in an alternate reality he's King)

A Bunny in every lap and a gold plated hovercraft in every garage!

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ShaneAlpha asserts...

Posted July 22, 2014
I'm starting to miss being stalked by Strong Choices on Twitter.
It was like going to High School with the bastard all over again.

There was Strong Choices, hanging out behind the bike shed, having a smoke.
There was Strong Choices, demanding lunch money with menaces.
And there, proudly, stood Strong Choices, king of wedgies, dead arms and swirlies.

God I hated that prick.

MickH would have you know...

Posted July 23, 2014
Did you go to school with Can-Do?

ShaneAlpha is gonna tell you...

Posted July 23, 2014
No. Was trying to humorously point out that , to me, the Strong Choices campaign made me fell like I was in high school, a target for a bully. Particularly the way it Twitter stalked you.

I have, however, met the man once at a public event. Like any other similar situation, it's courtesy all round because there's no point being a dick.

It's like meeting Birmo, you don't want to come across as a twat.

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BigWillieStyle asserts...

Posted July 23, 2014
Bill O'Chee presents the other side of the story in today's Brisbane Times. Newman strong, Labor weak, Newman possibly greatest man ever born, Labor rack up debt for the fun of it, that sort of thing. Sheesh.

Now if you'll pardon me, I'm off to the penis enlargement people. It's the only way I can land my dream girl, Jacqui Lambie.

Darth Greybeard would have you know...

Posted July 23, 2014
Tough (strong?) choice there BWS. She also likes 'em rich so don't pay too much for the apinnadicktomy.

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Quokka has opinions thus...

Posted July 23, 2014
Let's not forget the superquarry they plan to foist upon the community at Tallebudgera. 300m from the nearest residence, in the middle of a wildlife habitat.

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Today's blunty is brought to you by di Bella coffee, lots of swearing, toothless crack whores and Cameron Atfield's big blue tick

Posted July 1, 2014 into Blunty by John Birmingham

At Blunty:

Can I just state for the record that I have lots more followers than The Cat and nobody from the Premier's office made anything of my offer to go gay for billionaire Apple tyrant Tim Cook, as long as there was a staff discount on a Mac Pro in it for me? Nobody complained about my appalling language, my frequent references to my bodily functions or my recurring habit of referring to News Limited trollumnists as toothless crack whores.

I am much worse than Cameron Atfield, Mr Premier, even if he does have a stupid blue tick. And you prove yourself unfit to govern by not recognising that.


24 Responses to ‘Today's blunty is brought to you by di Bella coffee, lots of swearing, toothless crack whores and Cameron Atfield's big blue tick’

Lulu reckons...

Posted July 1, 2014
Wow, di Bella's a real person? With actual responsibilities and stuff? From what little I'd heard, I thought it was all the work of some mischievously-created sock puppet.

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Darth Greybeard swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 1, 2014
It's surprising how many people have that blue tick. Natalie B, Annabelle Crabb, Phil Plait, Mark Colvin, Georgia Waters, Laurie Oakes, Spencer Howson, First Dog on the Moon, Jonathan Green, Dr Karl, Marieke Hardy, Virginia Trioli, Adam Savage, John Scalzi, and of course Cameron Atfield. Heck, even Katherine Feeney and Chewbacca have a Blue Tick.

But never mind John, I don't have one either. I guess it must be some comfort to know that?

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted July 1, 2014
First Dog on the Moon has a blue tick.
That's weird.
Who's next to get a blue tick?
...The Phantom...Daffy Duck?
I would want to be assured I was tweeting the real Daffy Duck.

Darth Greybeard swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 1, 2014
First Dog is (as he'll happily tell you) Walkley Award-Winning cartoonist Andrew Marlton and quite real. And he owes me a book about whiskey and Tasmania.

Hey, you know who doesn't have a Walkley?

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted July 2, 2014
You. You don't have Walkley you vicious old nut sack.

Halwes asserts...

Posted July 2, 2014

You wont get a walkley or a blue tick if you engage in geriatric abuse. You have to suck up to those old people. They've got all the money.

Darth Greybeard asserts...

Posted July 2, 2014
Showed that comment to my dear wife, expecting her to spring to my defense. I guess she might, when she's finished giggling.

Spanner would have you know...

Posted July 2, 2014
I wonder if I could get a blue tick? Probably not. My twunter account could be a parody account...heck my whole life is a parody account.

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Dave W ducks in to say...

Posted July 1, 2014
Can someone please explain what a blue tick is? You see, I know very little about the twitting.

NBlob asserts...

Posted July 1, 2014
It is a verified account.
Birmo is a bit miffed that he hasn't been ticked.

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Dave W has opinions thus...

Posted July 1, 2014
Begging the question, what is a verified account?

NBlob reckons...

Posted July 1, 2014
Twitter has spawned a rather strange range of mimics. From maliscous hate venting sock puppets (multiple accounts by one user) to rather strange comedy routines.
A verified account is one that twitter management has er verified to be held by a celeb or public figure.

Dave W has opinions thus...

Posted July 1, 2014
Thanks nblob. I'm down with the zeitgeist, now.

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Bangar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 1, 2014
So is the campaign to get Birmo a blue tick or stop same? Which will provide us the most entertainment ;)

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John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted July 1, 2014
I don't need no stinkin' blue tick.

Spanner mutters...

Posted July 2, 2014
So you would totes reject the blue tick if they gave it to you? Cause you know keeping it real etc.

Start a new account without the blue tick?

Lulu has opinions thus...

Posted July 3, 2014
I don't know about the blue tick, but based on the recent news, about the panel which makes appointments to the ABC & SBS boards, I think JB will not be serving on either of those.

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tqft mutters...

Posted July 2, 2014
Almost posted a comment on that thread from work. Remembered I was a) working and b) where I was working.

Self censorship in action.

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Therbs would have you know...

Posted July 2, 2014

Is a blue tick a parasite found on a blue heeler?

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BigWillieStyle is gonna tell you...

Posted July 2, 2014

Jeez. Why all the hating on JB just 'cos he doesn't have a Walkley? He's won several ARIA's, so that's something!

* checks Wikipedia just to be sure *

Oh. Wrong Birmingham. Sorry. Carry on.

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w from brisbane reckons...

Posted July 2, 2014
The injustices meted out to JB, Australia's most unawarded author, continue to mount.
I don't relish bringing up a very painful episode from the past, but remember last year, JB's excitement about his upcoming award for running Australia's best blog. Then the fell news. JB not only inexplicably did not win the best Aus blog award, he didn't even win his own category 'Words and Writing'. The category was won by the winsome Stephanie Campisi and her charming but little-trafficked 'Read in a single sitting' blog of her reviews of nice books.
Now, I don't wish to point fingers, and I am not one to gossip, but looking at Ms Campisi's JB-beating, 2013 award-winning blog, I don't think she has posted anything since November last year. That's right! November last year!!!

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 2, 2014
quality over quantity?

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted July 2, 2014
She took the money and bought a fucking island. That bitch.

Hmm. Did I type that out loud?

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted July 2, 2014
JB, not that far off, further research (looking at her twitter) would indicate that Ms Campisi is
currently in San Francisco, pending a permanent move!
Some might say, "She's taken the money and is doing a runner!"

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