Cheeseburger Gothic

Yoga with Goats

Posted April 3 into Funny by John Birmingham

It's a thing. Seriously. And it's a thing I dicuss in today's Alien Side Boob.

You are receiving this email because you are a bro who needs yoga in his life. Or you know a bro who needs some yoga in his life. And all bros do, so that is why you received this email.

Before you stab viciously at the delete button, examine your feelings right now. That sick sense of dizziness which came out of nowhere when you opened this email? That sudden free floating rage? That pain in your arm and crushing weight on your chest? That’s the absence of yoga silently screaming at full volume in your chakra.

5 Responses to ‘Yoga with Goats’

jl asserts...

Posted April 3
ASB is always good for laughs. Just like goats are.

Respond to this comment

insomniac puts forth...

Posted April 3
I prefer my goat in curried form, perhaps with a dollop of yoghurt.

Respond to this comment

Oldy mutters...

Posted April 5
I did Bikram Yoga once, and it was entirely for the reason you mention in the column - that unbearably, heartbreakingly gorgeous (and ridiculously flexible) hot white chick who conned me into doing it.

I'm a 6'2 120kg former footballer, a year older than you are, so me doing yoga of any kind is always hilarious. But I totally would have done it three times a week if I could be guaranteed the mat next to that unbearably, heartbreakingly gorgeous (and ridiculously flexible) hot white chick.

Pathetic? Whatever. I'm not ashamed. Getting through life enjoying the view is half the battle, I reckon!

jason ducks in to say...

Posted April 5
I hear you. I hadn't played squash for a long time but pulled on the runners again in order to have a reason to be around a certain hot blonde that I had fallen for. Luckily for me I didn't hurt myself too badly and ended up marrying the hot blonde. Worth every pulled muscle and painful morning.

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted April 5
As the Buddha teaches, the love of hot white chicks is the root of all suffering.

Respond to this thread

Respond to 'Yoga with Goats'

"SEAGULLS! (Stop It Now)" -- A Bad Lip Reading of The Empire Strikes Back

Posted January 3 into Funny by John Birmingham

This may be their finest work yet.

5 Responses to ‘"SEAGULLS! (Stop It Now)" -- A Bad Lip Reading of The Empire Strikes Back’

Rob has opinions thus...

Posted January 3
how good are puppets? so good. CGI just isn't the same.

Respond to this comment

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted January 4
Damn, haven't laughed like that since Trump won. Thank you, John.

Respond to this comment

pedrogb swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted January 14
I was introduced to this on Boxing Day by friends in Sydney. My kids watched it over and over. They now like to sing it in the car. Hilarious.

Respond to this comment

DNA Dunc would have you know...

Posted January 15
Seems like some people have too much free time on their hands - which is just as well, or we wouldn't have class nuggets like this. Brilliant. Laughed like a drain

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted January 15
These brilliant artists are doing this for profit.

Take a look at "Bushes of Love" by the same blokes.

Respond to this thread

Respond to '"SEAGULLS! (Stop It Now)" -- A Bad Lip Reading of The Empire Strikes Back'

New favourite word

Posted June 30 into Funny by John Birmingham

Cocksplat. Thanks to David Tenant. (And Donald Trump)

8 Responses to ‘New favourite word’

HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted June 30
Shes actually jumpable I think. Anywho. Its a fkn retard, and fkn HELL FKN YES. you FKN COCKSPLAT!


yeah.. I like it a lot too its a slightly more refined and I guess toned down version of COCKHEAD. Tha latter is harsher, the CS version would be a more acceptable itenm in a more refined genteel setting I guess.

here is oz, would you say.


Guys a cocksplat or
guys a cockhead.

The latter is us, FKN POKMS and SCOTS can have the other I think..pussies

Respond to this comment

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted June 30
I remember why I stopped watching these things.

But cocksplat? That is a good one.

Respond to this comment

DarrenBloomfield would have you know...

Posted June 30
Arseclown. Still my clubhouse leader.

Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted July 3
And mine, followed closely by arsebiscuit.
Being female, one of my pet hates is the phrase 'jumpable' and is best left to the ilk of Eddy McGuire & Chris Gayle.

Respond to this thread

Dave W reckons...

Posted June 30
Yeah, well thay also came up with additions to the english language like bell-end and numpty. Dicksplat nearly made me choke on my tim-tam (no euphemism) and is worthy of joining the lexicon.

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted July 2
Bell end is a personal favourite.

Respond to this thread

Jon mutters...

Posted July 1
Being a blue collar worker I have ample opportunity to use these kind of insults conversationally, I'll try it out at work on monday. Cocksplat still isn't as good as "your a piece of shit wrapped in skin" though.

Respond to this comment

w from brisbane has opinions thus...

Posted July 1
Cocksplat : Sound made by a cockpunch. (source : John Birmingham - the Dave vs the Monsters series)

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'New favourite word'

The 100 Jokes that shaped modern comedy

Posted February 3, 2016 into Funny by John Birmingham

For anyone interested in the artform, this is kind of amazing, even if the authors admit the limits. (One joke per comedian, and only American gags).

I don't get some of the early ones, which just goes to show how much of our humour is contextual. Worth a long read on the weekend. I can't help but feel that Professor will study this closely.

Example:

1937 ‘Take My Wife … Please.’ Henny Youngman

It’s hard to say with authority exactly who invented the one-liner, but Borscht Belt comedian Henny Youngman (the man Walter Winchell called “the King of the One-Liners”) is arguably responsible for the most famous one ever. Just like how Groucho's moustache, eyebrows, nose, and glasses became synonymous with “comedian,” “Take my wife … please” is the Platonic ideal of a joke. The format is one that is still mimicked to this day: using a familiar phrase to draw people in, then taking a sharp left turn. And though the joke is seen as shticky and hacky at this point, structurally it is deceptively elegant, as the setup is hiding inside what seems like a transition. Despite writing tens, if not hundreds of thousands, of jokes in his life, legend has it that Youngman’s most famous one was the result of an accident. When he first started working on the The Kate Smith Show, Youngman's beloved wife, Sadie, brought a bunch of her friends backstage with her. Annoyed, Youngman brought his wife to the stagehand and said, “Take my wife, please.” The rest is history.

22 Responses to ‘The 100 Jokes that shaped modern comedy’

BigWillieStyle would have you know...

Posted February 3, 2016
I couldn't see "Coal is good for humanity" on the list anywhere.

Respond to this comment

NBlob puts forth...

Posted February 3, 2016
Are you familiar with the term 'facilitator' as it relates to addiction? What did poor Mrs Professor Boylan, their charming son ever do to you? Why would you cause them such pain? You may not have lit the fire, but you've handed a known pyromaniac the accelerant and a bic lighter.
For shame sir.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted February 4, 2016
And I am itching to burn down the argument that those jokes shaped "modern comedy" - if there is such a thing. Funny, yes (Robin Williams' joke about cocaine is fucking hilarious). But influential?

w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted February 4, 2016
PNB, I don't know if you are joking, but most professional comedians are very knowledgeable about the history of funny. They love listening to other comedians. They study them. What is the funny idea, what is the rhythm used, the word selection, the number of syllables etc. Is someone doing something new? Why is that gag funny, why is that gag not so funny. Pro comedians will say how Woody Allen's gag telling style is taken from Bob Hope and explain why. I think the history of joke telling is very influential, not always for thinking up the idea behind the gag, but for the toolkit of how to get the laugh.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted February 4, 2016
I was serious because it is funny to be deadly serious and analytical when discussing humour. When I was younger I instigated violent arguments over what is and isn't funny. My mantra was "comedy is serious business."

There is an incredibly funny group of very well thought out and reasoned scholarly papers that came out of a psychology conference on humour back in the early 1980's. Very dry. Very bland. Discussing things like "glee factors" without any glee at all.

What could possibly be funnier than that?

BigWillieStyle puts forth...

Posted February 4, 2016
I can't think of a comedian who wasn't influenced by those that came before. Jerry Seinfeld grew up studying Bill Cosby and Robert Klein. Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock were heavily influenced by Richard Pryor, who in turn was influenced by Cosby and Lenny Bruce. Jim Carrey was influenced by Jerry Lewis. Michael Richards' slapstick turn on "Seinfeld" was a nod to Lewis and Laurel & Hardy. WC Fields used a cigar as a prop, and Groucho Marx, George Burns and Milton Berle did likewise.

Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider, to their credit, have steadfastly refused to be influenced by anybody, and their commitment to being relentlessly unfunny for their entire careers is to be applauded.

dweeze reckons...

Posted February 4, 2016
"Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider, to their credit, have steadfastly
refused to be influenced by anybody, and their commitment to being
relentlessly unfunny for their entire careers is to be applauded."

Now, that is piss funny.

Lulu asserts...

Posted February 4, 2016
"most professional comedians are very knowledgeable about the history of funny. They love listening to other comedians."

w, I'm assuming you know about the English comedian Ross Noble who lived here for a while. He spent years collecting an entire tradition of English comedians (on tapes, vinyl etc etc), and built up a huge library, some of the material apparently quite rare.

Then, AFIAK, lost the lot in the 2009 Black Saturday fires.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 4, 2016
Adam Sandler is a comic genius. Little Nicky is one of the best films of all time. I have to agree with you about Rob Schneider. He is mixed race, and that is never funny.

Respond to this thread

Lulu puts forth...

Posted February 3, 2016
I want to spend the rest of the day reading this. It's reminded me of my teenage love of Mae West & the Marx Brothers.

Respond to this comment

insomniac mutters...

Posted February 3, 2016
Man, that 'Nobody' joke is a cracker.

Respond to this comment

KreepyKrawly asserts...

Posted February 3, 2016
As a young'un, I grew up on the Goon show and British comedy... Reading those 100 "Jokes" is like going to the pub, ordering a beer and getting metho...

Respond to this comment

DarrenBloomfield ducks in to say...

Posted February 4, 2016
I got ready to read it, already primed to be pissed off that it was Seppo-only.
But then as I read it, I realised that this kind of list really needs to be country/cultural-specific. I'd love to see a similar one for the UK (or British Isles) : Goons, Python, Morceambe and Wise, Sellers, Moore and Cook, etc etc.
And Australia? pretty much covered on the ABC recently in "stop laughing, this is serious" but Roy Rene through to Barry Humphries to Kennedy to ...


Respond to this comment

GhostSwirv is gonna tell you...

Posted February 4, 2016

Springtime for Hitler is my favourite - Brooks is a anarchic genius from Bialystok & Bloom, KAOS v CONTROL, Froderick and Egor to ... "how did he do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?"

PS - PNB ... someone should rip off Big Bang Theory by creating a sitcom of academics arguing over the science of what constitutes the essential funny elements necessary to generate comedy - their mortal enemies could be a phalanx of twitter followers hell bent of ridding the world of academics who ruthlessly appropriate humour and break it down into its unfunny sub-atomic parts.

Respond to this comment

JG mutters...

Posted February 4, 2016
Terrific stuff. Thanks for the link, JB. There's a lot to read and view, so I'll savour this a few gags at a time. True that comedy is a serious business, PNB. Punch lines are often born of tragedy, cutting against normality, the unexpected, and shock value. I love absurdity and comedy gold. Laugh and the world laughs with you... laughter is the best medicine. I think comedy has an important place in changing and recontextualising thoughts about oneself and issues in tha world both big and small. Funny that many comedians come from a place of truth that touch on fear and suppressed desires or urges. Neh. Too serious about the funny stuff. Just laugh. Release. It's instinctual. I think all animals laugh.

Respond to this comment

BigWillieStyle swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 4, 2016
Two of the most successful TV comedies in recent years are "Two and a Half Men" and "The Big Bang Theory". If this constitutes "modern comedy", then we're already in the seventh circle of Hell.

Respond to this comment

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted February 4, 2016
If you are alluding to Dante, I think the Fourth Circle is more appropriate. Not judging. Just sayin.

Respond to this comment

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 5, 2016
and may I present the world's funniest joke. One of my favorites they had in their "Gentelmen you can't fight in here this is the war room". from Dr Stranglelove.

DarrenBloomfield reckons...

Posted February 5, 2016
A man goes to the zooIt only had one exhibit, a dog.It was a Shih tzu

Respond to this thread

Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted February 5, 2016
Aspiring comedians should also study Dave Allen - in fact go look up the plethora of his stuff on youtube yourself!

DarrenBloomfield asserts...

Posted February 5, 2016
"Goodnight, and may your God go with you"
The man was a genius. I used to watch - mesmerised - his (short-a-fingertip) hand, trapping a cigarette and fondling his whiskey glass, while spinning a yarn...

Respond to this thread

GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted February 5, 2016

Can anyone imagine any of our home-grown comedians being hard core enough to cut off a fingertip to emulate #TheFunnyDave?

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'The 100 Jokes that shaped modern comedy'

Murph? We have to talk

Posted November 26, 2015 into Funny by John Birmingham

11 Responses to ‘Murph? We have to talk’

Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted November 26, 2015
Lolz. I learned my lesson back in 1991 during the Great Generator Fire of Operation Desert Storm. Nothing like fighting a fire with a chest full of 40 mm HE rounds for the 203.

Nocturnalist has opinions thus...

Posted November 27, 2015
So this was a "Come back with your generator room, or laminated evenly around the walls of your generator room" sort of deal?

Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 27, 2015
Well, it was two five kw gas generators on a trailer pulled by our RATT rig hummer, not a room. It was loaded with 90 gallons of gasoline, wooden crates of fifty cal ammo we didn't really need, and had a nice bed of oil, dirty, and crap from running it for the past month or so.

In my sleep deprived state I didn't argue with Cpl. Qualiana who said, "Murph, you are the lowest ranking guy, open the tarp."

The tarp burned off instantly while my face was shielded by a kevlar helmet that never fit right. When I got it back up they shoved one fire extinguisher into my hand after another until we were out.

At that point we unhitched the trailer, drove off, and threatened to shoot an officer who wanted us to come back and try again.

It was a fun day. And the reason I never became a firefighter.

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted November 27, 2015
Very good anecdote, Murph.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted November 27, 2015
Thanks! That is the short version. :)

Respond to this thread

she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 26, 2015
Does that count as an entry in the Darwin Awards?

Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 27, 2015
Those stories you hear, you are wondering if they are true.
They are. All of them.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted November 27, 2015
But it only works if the guy's stupidity took him out of the gene pool.

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted November 27, 2015
He must have, "Pulled a Holden."

Maybe there is a pair of writers up there keeping his stupid ass alive for some strange reason. Not that writers would ever do that.

Respond to this thread

andreP has opinions thus...

Posted December 4, 2015
Why does that pic seem to me a perfect metaphor for American gun culture?

Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 5, 2015
Because no Australian ever said, "Hold my beer and watch this shit, mate."

Respond to this thread

Respond to 'Murph? We have to talk'

Outstanding achievement in the field of laziness

Posted January 13, 2015 into Funny by John Birmingham

From my twitter feed this morning. I am in awe.

12 Responses to ‘Outstanding achievement in the field of laziness’

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted January 13, 2015

"Outstanding excellence in the field of excellence". Best I can offer in my own experience is whenever I use the microwave and it needs to be heated for 2minutes I hit 2:22, if its 2mins 3:33 etc just so I don't have tomove my finger.


Dave W ducks in to say...

Posted January 13, 2015

Pshaw. That's nothing. You do have to move your finger. 2:22 then start.


I'm all over that sh!t. Instant cook times two if it's a one minute IC machine. ICx4 for a 30 sec machine.


Pwned, I believe, is the expression that the kids use.

insomniac would have you know...

Posted January 13, 2015
I agree Dave W. I'm not sure I could operate any other function of our microwave, other than "cancel". Our instant cook button goes 15, 30, 60 & 120, so for 90 seconds I need to cancel which is more efficient than a 60s cook + a 30s cook.

Respond to this thread

pi reckons...

Posted January 13, 2015
That's gold.

Respond to this comment

Chaz is gonna tell you...

Posted January 13, 2015
it would be really, really cool if the vessel in question was a CVN

schlepstar has opinions thus...

Posted January 13, 2015
Especially if this maneuver redirected the whole carrier group

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted January 13, 2015
Or (obviously not on a CVN) a large Atlantic convoy circa 1917-18 or 1939-45.

Respond to this thread

WA n'ker has opinions thus...

Posted January 13, 2015
Reminds me of loyd bridges turning the carrier around to retrieve his hat in Hot Shots. (Or was it part deux?)

Nocturnalist puts forth...

Posted January 13, 2015
Apparently during the shooting of Top Gun Don Simpson asked the skipper of the ship they were on if he could quickly just turn the boat around because the shot would be better with the shadows falling the other way. It was explained to him that this would cost tens of thousands of dollars and take a day.

Respond to this thread

Sparty puts forth...

Posted January 13, 2015

During the filming, Tony Scott and his crew spent some days onboard
USS Enterprise to shoot aircraft as they landed and took off from the
aircraft carrier. Since the U.S. Navy’s flattop was on an operational
cruise, the crew had to film normal flight ops. However, Tony Scott
wanted to shoot flight deck activitiey with planes backlit from the sun.
So, when the ship changed course with a consequent change of the light,
Scott asked it the commanding officer could keep on the previous course
and speed for a little longer.

However, he was answered by the
commander that it would cost 25,000 USD to turn the ship, so he wrote
the aircraft carrier captain a check so that the ship could be turned on
the previous route for five more minutes thus giving him the
possibility to shoot under the desired lighting conditions for another
five minutes.

The footage was used during the movie’s stunning opening scene.

Respond to this comment

Sparty mutters...

Posted January 13, 2015
Arse, Nocturnalist beat me to it!

Respond to this comment

Eamon Hamilton has opinions thus...

Posted January 13, 2015
i once read a story about an RAF Navigator on a transport flight in South East Asia in the 1960s. He redirected the aircraft off its heading, the brought he aircraft back on it's original path. When the Captain asked what was going on, the Navigator said he was flying them around his coffee mug on the map.

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Outstanding achievement in the field of laziness'