Cheeseburger Gothic

Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail

Posted November 27, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Got this via Dee Madigan. It's pretty funny.

And yes, I haz interwebz again.

4 Responses to ‘Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail’

Spanner reckons...

Posted November 27, 2014
I gigglesnorted at "It's and efficiency dividend"

Respond to this comment

Bangar asserts...

Posted November 27, 2014
I believe Mr Rabbit is trying to be a bigger prick than Howard, the sad thing is he's succeeding.

Respond to this comment

John would have you know...

Posted November 27, 2014
Howard was in the business of winning elections. Abbott doesn't seem to care.

It's all about his team, which at this point is pretty much down to the coal industry and Andrew Bolt.

Respond to this comment

GhostSwirv reckons...

Posted November 27, 2014
So when Arfur finally cuts off all of Tone's limbs I truly wonder whether the F35 will be able deliver the coconuts on target, or whether a European Tornado aircraft is best suited to our military needs?

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail'

Ice Bucket Challenge Fails

Posted August 20, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I find this whole ice bucket meme incredibly stupid and can't wait for the episode of Silicon Valley which puts a bullet right through the heart of it.

Until then, I'll enjoy these diabolically funny ice bucket fuck ups.

23 Responses to ‘Ice Bucket Challenge Fails’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted August 20, 2014
It's funny because I don't know them.

Respond to this comment

Murphy puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2014
#Iraiseyouricebucketchallengetoaduelwithpistolsatdawnonthefieldofhonor

#Murphyhasreallyannoyinghashtagsandmightbemissingthefuckingpoint

Respond to this comment

Helena would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
hilarious!

Respond to this comment

Wolfcat ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2014
I think the planet needs an ice bucket challange from say Haley's Comet... that would fix a lot of issues.

Respond to this comment

Dylwah mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
Don't drink and ice bucket kids.

Respond to this comment

Bondiboy66 puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2014
My lack of faith in the human race has been reinforced.

As for ice bucket over the head? I say MEH. Especially as I swim each Sunday through winter, ocean pool and ocean, sans wetsuit. Last week, a toasty 14.5C in the water!

Respond to this thread

Peter Bradley would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014

Yes it is annoying but given it was originally designed to raise awareness for ALS it began well intentioned.

As with many well intentioned things the numpties got hold of it and ....well there you go!

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
Your are correct Mr Bradley. I think is still is about that . Almost everywhere I have seen someone post about the ice bucket has included the link to the fund raising efforts to research diseases such as ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis). I am sorry if for some people are finding more intrusive than the unrequested posts that show up on twitter, facebook or other social media. It has raised quite a bit of cash for charity and I have found it more amusing than some of the other ways awareness can be raised.

At least a lot more people know about ALS now.

Some people can be so grouchy long before they are old enough to be screaming at those kids to get off their damn lawn.

Bunyip mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
@Barnesm Some people can be so grouchy long before they are old enough to be screaming at those kids to get off their damn lawn.

It would appear that my attempt at irony was a bit too cryptic.

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2014
I thought you WERE old enough ;)

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
I was more directing it at Brimo and Murph.

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted August 20, 2014
My lawn. Remove yourself.

Bunyip has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2014
@Barnesm I was more directing it at Brimo and Murph..

LOL. Our host is almost exactly (baring one week), one year younger than me. Murph is possibly beyond time and space, well at least as far as I know it.

Murphy mumbles...

Posted August 21, 2014
I have dog poop in my yard.

Watch yer step.

And yes, the poop is timeless.

Respects,
Murph
On the Outer Marches

Respond to this thread

Bunyip reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014
Add me to the WTF crowd.

Darn kids, spilling their ice water all over my lawn...

Respond to this comment

damian mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
I dunno, I thought Bill Gates' one was pretty good. There's something about a 60ish billionaire staring into the camera as he tips the ice water over his head that gives a lot of confidence in the strength of his convictions.

damian mutters...

Posted August 20, 2014
Maybe strength of purpose is a better way to end that sentence... distracted and hurried :)

Respond to this thread

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014
I wonder if anybody just went and tipped a bucket of ice water over themselves without filming it.
Unlikely, but I salute that person.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted August 21, 2014
I've done that on more than one occasion, but for reasons independent of any ALS awareness event.

Respond to this thread

Therbs swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 22, 2014
I saw one on a football show last weekend which proved to me the whole thing is a bucket of arse. Doing stupid shit for charity? I forget which Brit comedian said it but he reckoned you can do anything and get away with it if its in the name of charity. Doesn't make it any less dumb.

Respond to this comment

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Ice Bucket Challenge Fails'

Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers

Posted May 29, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Dateline. Brisbane.

A top level strike force has been set up to investigate the apparent disappearance of all news coverage of State of Origin north of the Tweed River. Queenslanders woke this morning to discover that newspapers and websites which had only yesterday been full to pussy’s bow with stories about the annual grudge match, were almost entirely bereft of any mention of the game, which happened last night according to sources close to the matter.

“I’ve never seen anything like it since the last time this happened,” said strike force commander Detective Inspector Bumper Cooley. “We’re obviously looking at some sort of fiendish and well organised criminal group, to sweep in and clean out the entire stock of local Origin news stories like they have. There can be no other explanation.”

Editors of the two largest local news outlets, The Courier Mail and Brisbanetimes, and executive producers of the state’s television news programs were as difficult to find for comment as the stories they were no longer running.

Jeppeson refused to say whether police were investigating a connection between the vanished news stories and the simultaneous disappearance of thousands of miles of maroon coloured bunting and Origin-related merchandising materials from the shopfronts of every business in the state capital.

Sources familiar with the investigation cnfirm that detectives are looking closely at a sudden upsurge in Origin related news stories in Sydney.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Wot don't we 'ave 'ere then?

13 Responses to ‘Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers’

BigWillieStyle is gonna tell you...

Posted May 29, 2014
Oh, I'm confident the coverage will turn up. Give it a few hours. Expect Da Premier to front a press conference today and declare that as part of his Government's ongoing commitment to cutbacks, the result of last night's game has been culled.

Respond to this comment

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 29, 2014
Not even stories involving confected outrage about those ultra-violent NSW barbarians committing grievous bodily harm to those poor QLD mungos?

Respond to this comment

pitpat swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 29, 2014
Roger the dodger Rogerson should be extradited. I am sure he is behind it all. Him and that Abbott fellow probably. After all they are both from the arch robber baron state.

Respond to this comment

Lobes would have you know...

Posted May 29, 2014
Saw this coming a mile away. QRL players and administrators have been strutting around all week with a massive sense of entitlement. NSW on the other hand lurched from crisis to crisis and were forced to focus on wringing as much as they could out of themselves.

If I was Qld I'd start by sacking Mal Meninga.

Respond to this comment

pi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 29, 2014
QLD lost despite the best efforst of the refs in the final moments.

Respond to this comment

Bedes puts forth...

Posted May 29, 2014

And as Queensland's finally fucked by light blue coloured queers,

Sydney bathes its morning erection with your maroon and salty tears.

Respond to this comment

Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted May 29, 2014

There's a definite link between NSW winning and my scoring a six pack of swing top Grolsch deliciousness. Also the Led Zep "Kashmir" intro would have helped.


Hey Bedes, you should join the Deaf Poets Society.

Billy the Deaf Poet reckons...

Posted May 29, 2014

It is Spring, I can't hear the birds sing. Why?

"Is it because I am deaf? Or because there are no birds?

Or are they made of silent cold shattering crystal

Like the dildo clenched between my mother's teeth."

- Billy

Therbs mutters...

Posted May 29, 2014

I see ice dreams in spring's glittering thaw


Melting, running to your front door


Knocking, beseeching, alas, without hope


'Cos ya fkn deaf ya fkn dope


<EM>- valedictory poem for the Deaf Poets Class of 2013</EM>

Respond to this thread

Chaz has opinions thus...

Posted May 29, 2014

Wow who'd have think it. QLD was telling everyone they'd already won, and then they lost.....

They must have been taking training from Will Carling


Respond to this comment

pete would have you know...

Posted May 29, 2014
We have your shit down here boys, come and get it ... har har, bloody har

no offence ever intended ..

Respond to this comment

Timmo swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 29, 2014
I think said disappearance may have been related to the marked absence of gloating, cheering and backslapping, along with the disappearance of maroon-themed t-shirts and memorabilia in my workplace as well. The blue has yet to make a solid appearance, due to a near-decade of abuse and disappointment.

Respond to this comment

Nine Fingered Freak asserts...

Posted May 29, 2014
It rather bad when the Quartz is the only place you can find any origin news: http://qz.com/214611/its-not-a-man-bra-its-a-wearable-technology-optimization-device/

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers'

Ominous sub editing fail of the day

Posted April 24, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

7 Responses to ‘Ominous sub editing fail of the day’

Dave W reckons...

Posted April 24, 2014

One of those is clearly Knott coming. hahahahah, oh I'm so droll.

Respond to this comment

Lulu swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 24, 2014

I blame winter.

Respond to this comment

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted April 24, 2014

It goes without saying.

Respond to this comment

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted April 24, 2014

Well its more accurate than most of the newspaper articles I have seen.

Respond to this comment

Sudragon mutters...

Posted April 24, 2014

Miricle Day? Already?

Respond to this comment

Respond to this comment

Abe Frellman swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 25, 2014

Surely the AFR gets the prize for WorldIsFukt?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/simoncrerar/newspaper-prints-world-is-fukt-on-front-page

If Chaz is reading, please grab me a hard copy and I'll pay you a tenner to hang onto it for me.

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Ominous sub editing fail of the day'

Procrastination Masterclass

Posted February 16, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I've been enjoying the challenge of coming up with a non-news related funny column each Sunday. Although, I think I'll be relieved when it's over.

Today's topic, procrastination.

I'm JB and I will be your master for today's class. You might know me from some of the very interesting articles I failed to submit on time, or the amusing columns I never got around to writing at all. I have not published more than a dozen books that I'm sure would have been very popular, and some of which were undoubtedly a lay down misere to not win some quite prestigious awards had they been written … which they weren't.

[Insert your joke about reading it later in the comment thread below].

15 Responses to ‘Procrastination Masterclass’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted February 16, 2014

I just couldn't wait to post something on this interesting and compelling topic! I've been working hard on formulating a new theory explaining procrastion. I am engergized and motivated!

More on this later.

Respond to this comment

w from brisbane mumbles...

Posted February 16, 2014

"I can complete any task I’m assigned, as long as I have something more important to do.“

Respond to this comment

Rob mumbles...

Posted February 16, 2014

I got nothing, I’m putting off procrastinating until next week .

Respond to this comment

Blarkon ducks in to say...

Posted February 16, 2014

"Any sufficiently advanced procrastination will be indistinguishable from preparation"

Respond to this comment

w from brisbane mumbles...

Posted February 16, 2014

Related to procrastination is the truism of Parkinson's law:
"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."

Though there is the corollary, which neatly states the positive side of procrastination:
"If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do."

Respond to this comment

insomniac would have you know...

Posted February 16, 2014

I hate it in the mornings when ms insomniac dawdles; she makes me late for work and wastes my goofing off time.

Respond to this comment

Respond to this comment

Blake puts forth...

Posted February 17, 2014

i would make a joke about reading it later, but ive got other work to do so I felt I could best maximise my procrastination time by reading it first then make an unneccesary comment here.

I'm a big fan of that essay which used to exist a few years ago online by an American philosophy professor who made the point that by structuring your procrastination appropriately you could actually get more work done (than you're standard procrastinator). Unfortunately I think he's pulled out most of the detail of the essay in an effort to sell books.

http://www.structuredprocrastination.com

insomniac would have you know...

Posted February 17, 2014

I agree with the prof's sentiments. On a possibly related note, many many years ago when TQM became the rage, the committee formed to study these things decided to do a time efficiency thingo, so we were required to categorise what we did every 15 minutes. The results were never released officially, but the morons on the committee had a habit of printing something to the communal printer and then forgetting to collect it, so it did become published in a way. The category where you had been doing nothing had been graphed for the 20 or so of us. It started off very low, and built up at the very end where I suspect I was, at about 20% doing nothing, and yet I was one of the busier, and higher output, people. I may piss around for long periods of the day, but when I work I do so quickly and accurately. I'm definitely a procrastinator (I'm here aren't I), but perhaps not a structured one, and I don't sit around expanding my work to fill the time, as expounded by w above.

Respond to this thread

Conspiracy Cat asserts...

Posted February 17, 2014

You don't have my address. I couldn't be arsed filling out the enrolment form.

Respond to this comment

Darth Greybeard ducks in to say...

Posted February 18, 2014

A tweep asked why we weren't packing up the detrit, er, accumulated possessions of a lifetime to move south. I'm using the old assignment technique of doing nothing until the last minute then throwing something together in a panic. It's worked for me so far.

Conspiracy Cat puts forth...

Posted February 19, 2014

Oooooh, remind me to come and check out your first hard rubbish collection after the move. I'm in need of another trebuchet, and there's probably a few echidna skulls I could find a use for.

Respond to this thread

Rhino asserts...

Posted February 18, 2014

Don't you have a new book coming out ... Weapons of Choice or some such thing?

Why was there no reference to faffing in that cartoon?

Respond to this comment

w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted February 19, 2014

I don't know about anybody else, but on the slider at the top that highlights recent blogs, I am a little unsettled by the photo for 'Procrastination Masterclass'.

Respond to this comment

Isabella Moncrieff swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 22, 2014

I am so glad I came across this while procrastinating!

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Procrastination Masterclass'

The Meeting II

Posted January 19, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I write one of these each year for The Age, at about this time each year. Minutes of a meeting with cat and the dog. On the agenda, corporate fitness.

[JB] explained the five stages of the Fitness Friday program, stage one being the very meeting in which they were currently engaged. The consultation phase. Cat and the dog were then asked for their thoughts on how the company might improve opportunities for the staff to exercise more. The dog was very enthusiastic about chasing more cars, barking at nothing and perhaps more vigorous licking of its anus. Cat proposed that it take more high-intensity naps.

15 Responses to ‘The Meeting II’

Dino not to be confused with puts forth...

Posted January 19, 2014

I propose a meeting about some meetings being a waste of time.

Fuck yeah I will make my day longer so I can sweat in work time.

How good is the Company that cares about my physical fitness?

Reminds me of those 'pep' meetings to instill some excitement and positivity!

Loud music/dancing/physical hand clapping.

Sweet baby cheeses.

Respond to this comment

insomniac reckons...

Posted January 19, 2014

As I thought you had an elegant sufficiency of cats, aren't you in danger of your cats banding together, forming a voting bloc, and outvoting you and the dog on important matters?

Lobes is gonna tell you...

Posted January 19, 2014

Unlikely to happen. In JBs house all animals are equal but some are more equal than others.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm asserts...

Posted January 20, 2014

The proposals you introduced at the meeting have that horrifying tone of what really does get suggested by a significant fraction of clueless middlemanagers promoted beyond their competence and forced to justify their position by devising ridiculous programs and mindless slogans so cleverly parodied by the demotivators™ organisation at Dispair inc.

The handmaidens of this pernicious group think are the ‘consultants’ who go around promoting the latest quack system and your piece makes me realise that if you ever chose to use your talents for evil rather than good, (well betterness at least) then you could be the master of a corporate empire selling these snake oil nostrums in no time.

Respond to this comment

JBtoo mutters...

Posted January 20, 2014

You would not believe the number of internal spam emails I receive each week along these lines. Oh wait, you work for Fairfax - of course you would believe.

Respond to this comment

Therbs mutters...

Posted January 20, 2014

Good to see you're optimising cross-silo synergies in line with corporate values and team-focused customer actuations.

Respond to this comment

Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted January 20, 2014

And yes, I was once forced to sit through a couple of days of Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sleep Inducing Self Help Motivational Nonsense Concepts Which Costs Megabucks For People To Endure So Thank You Suckers Signed Stephen Covey

Respond to this comment

Johnny B Gone is gonna tell you...

Posted January 20, 2014

I love these cat dog meetings. Kinda like people meetings. 'Cept shorter. And with bacon.

Respond to this comment

HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted January 20, 2014

ya fkn foregot the proposal to reduce the number of fkn fur balls, the subsequent decision to form a fkn SUB FKN COMMIITTEE!!! FFSAKES and table theit initial findings at the fkn next meeting, but wait!..theres fkn more. Its been noted that assessing the individuals balls fur coughed fkn up, might be a personal fkn intrusion, thereby requiring P & FKN C ( thats people and fkn Culture, once known as fkn HR) to be brought in to fkn SANITISE ALL DOCUMENTATION AND CORRESPONDENCE before any fkn does anything, looks fkn sides waysm or communivcated even via fkn TELEPATHY! against the fkn odd chnace some oh so deserved fkn retard might be fkn offended!. WHEN they report back and having vetted all and fkn sundry the sub committee, might make a reccomendation to the main committee who in turn report to the executive sponsor, who being a member of the fkn executive fkn committee will pass it on. In the fkn mean time the business has either gone fkn arse up, missied the opportunity or has necked its fkn self, or!.....well, fkn hell, they wonder why ya wanna cut ya wrists or....CAP SOME FKN DESERVED FKN GIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Respond to this comment

Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted January 20, 2014

People & Culture? I remember some arsehat middle manager suggested renaming the accounts department to Adding Up or some such nonsense. A lot of us spurted coffee through our nostrils at that meeting. No, we didn't punch her in the face.

w from brisbane is gonna tell you...

Posted January 20, 2014

This a true story. A very large Australian organisation had a series of very important meetings to devise a new name for an office within the organisation. They came up with a new name and, brimming with awe at their own awesomeness, they announced the name to the nation. The section will now be known as 'Compliance Unit, National Team'.

Oh, how delighted everyone was, but, after rolling around the floor in hysterics for a while, eventually someone did suggest to the powers-that-be that the acronym of the new name may be problematic.

NBlob mutters...

Posted January 22, 2014

I worked with a Gov dept who had a Strategic Communication And Marketing unit.

oh how we laughed

insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted January 22, 2014

20 years ago when I was working at the Patent Office, they formed a committee for Occupational Health and Safety when the craze took hold. I don't know if it was ever called thus, but we always knew it as ...

Not helped of course by the shitheads on said committee.

Respond to this thread

Bruce Baldey reckons...

Posted January 22, 2014

Funniest thing I have read since, since...since...

You have the psyche of cats and dogs down pat (sorry).

Respond to this comment

JG reckons...

Posted January 22, 2014

Your dog and cat are more outspoken since the last annual meeting, JB, but it's nice to see that you encourage an inclusive work environment. No top down dictatorship in your writing roost, methinks.

I trust you, sweet puss, and the labrador mutt will attain Black Caviar form come the Melbourne Cup racing season, and request that you ration the bacon, donuts, and cream.

Happy 2014!

Yours in fitness,

JG.

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'The Meeting II'