Cheeseburger Gothic

Cartoons paused at just the wrong moment

Posted December 17, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Because sometimes you just need a duck boner.

Or a child protection officer.

Or a cigarette and a beer.

More here.

15 Responses to ‘Cartoons paused at just the wrong moment’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted December 17, 2014
Fucking hilarious.

But it ruins my impression of Donald Duck.

Shifty Tourist has opinions thus...

Posted December 17, 2014
Its the look he is giving to the "camera" which sells it. looks like suggestive, raised eyebrow smirk.

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 17, 2014
What sort of impression do you have of DD that could be swayed in a negative direction given he struts around in public without pants?

Spanner would have you know...

Posted December 17, 2014
A duck does it and nobody cares. I do it at work and HR gets involved. Blah blah inappropriate blah harassment blah offending the customers. There is no justice.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted December 17, 2014
Hahahahahahahaha!!! HA!

[the curmudgeon version of LOL]

Defender90 puts forth...

Posted December 18, 2014
Not only is he sans pants but he's a sailor and we all know they're filthy buggers, they go from port to port.

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Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 17, 2014
The ought to be a tumbler for these

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HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted December 17, 2014
aLWAYS L;OVEd pok e mONS. ...just sayin!

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted December 17, 2014
My wife, Lori, said:

"Is this John's work? Tell him I am sorely disappointed."

Wimmin....

Abe Frellman is gonna tell you...

Posted December 17, 2014
Did she not SEE the size of that thing's tongue??????

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pi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 18, 2014
OT :

I'm moving house. That means, of course, packing all of the earthly belongings to sit in boxes for a few months, to be unpacked at some time in the future when I've had a skin-full, and I need a bit of therapy.

But I want to take issue with something, JB, and I'm hoping you can help out. What the FUCK is up with different book sizes? We have standard alain keys, standard bed sizes, standard door sizes, hell, we even have standard fuckin condom sizes. So how the fuck, after a thousand years of producing the things, have we not come up with standard book sizes?

And it's some authors worst than most. Larry Niven? Boss. Roger Zelazny? Boss. Hey I understand it's not good to speak ill of the dead, but Iain Banks? Non-standard, every one.

But he pales in comparison to Neal Stephenson and William Gibson. What's up with these fuckin guys? It seems that every fuckin book they produce is a different size?!!?!?!

Do you guys consciously do this? Maybe Stephen Baxter said "can't be havin people getting confused in the book isle with that noob. Better mix it up a little."

So it means that, when I get to my destination, because they can't be placed in the boxes in alphabetical order, because they can't be packed in any order, they spend two months in a box until I finally get the nerve to sink a skin-full, and to crack open the box, and yet again, place the books all back in the book shelf. And then re-order them again.

Way to get people to use amazon JB.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted December 18, 2014
As far as I know there are only three standard sizes. Hardback. Trade paperback and paperback. They address different markets. If you can't figure out which marketing pigeonhole you're supposed to be in I cannot help you.

Shifty Tourist would have you know...

Posted December 18, 2014

Pi, its a conspiracy I say.

The publishers are in bed with the brown cardboard box people. Authors, I take from JBs denial is clearly in on it. You see there is always extra, but unusable space, so an additional box is required. Leading to more box sales, which the box makers kick back to the publishers, which they use to pay they dues to the Illuminati (who use this money for their Pizza and six pack.... and world domination fund.

I say, wake up sheeple!!

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted December 18, 2014
And now you must die.

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Anthony mutters...

Posted December 18, 2014

As someone who once wasted a year of their life working for a publisher there is (sort of) a rationale for some sizes. Manuals for example are usually standardised at US Letter size because they are frequently referred to.


Essentially though you are probably irritated with what's known as "trade size" - the larger paperbacks that won't fit on shelves. These are essentially the paperback version of the hardcover - same pagination and layout. That's what generally goes out for review purposes and thee days usually comes out at the same time as the hardcover.

It's also significantly more profitable than the normal paperback and if a book looks to be selling well in "trade" then the standard size may be "delayed" a while to take advantage of those buyers who purchase as soon as it comes out.

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Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail

Posted November 27, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Got this via Dee Madigan. It's pretty funny.

And yes, I haz interwebz again.

4 Responses to ‘Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail’

Spanner would have you know...

Posted November 27, 2014
I gigglesnorted at "It's and efficiency dividend"

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Bangar mutters...

Posted November 27, 2014
I believe Mr Rabbit is trying to be a bigger prick than Howard, the sad thing is he's succeeding.

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John ducks in to say...

Posted November 27, 2014
Howard was in the business of winning elections. Abbott doesn't seem to care.

It's all about his team, which at this point is pretty much down to the coal industry and Andrew Bolt.

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GhostSwirv swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 27, 2014
So when Arfur finally cuts off all of Tone's limbs I truly wonder whether the F35 will be able deliver the coconuts on target, or whether a European Tornado aircraft is best suited to our military needs?

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Ice Bucket Challenge Fails

Posted August 20, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I find this whole ice bucket meme incredibly stupid and can't wait for the episode of Silicon Valley which puts a bullet right through the heart of it.

Until then, I'll enjoy these diabolically funny ice bucket fuck ups.

23 Responses to ‘Ice Bucket Challenge Fails’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014
It's funny because I don't know them.

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Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2014
#Iraiseyouricebucketchallengetoaduelwithpistolsatdawnonthefieldofhonor

#Murphyhasreallyannoyinghashtagsandmightbemissingthefuckingpoint

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Helena mutters...

Posted August 20, 2014
hilarious!

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Wolfcat mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
I think the planet needs an ice bucket challange from say Haley's Comet... that would fix a lot of issues.

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Dylwah ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2014
Don't drink and ice bucket kids.

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Bondiboy66 asserts...

Posted August 20, 2014
My lack of faith in the human race has been reinforced.

As for ice bucket over the head? I say MEH. Especially as I swim each Sunday through winter, ocean pool and ocean, sans wetsuit. Last week, a toasty 14.5C in the water!

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Peter Bradley reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014

Yes it is annoying but given it was originally designed to raise awareness for ALS it began well intentioned.

As with many well intentioned things the numpties got hold of it and ....well there you go!

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
Your are correct Mr Bradley. I think is still is about that . Almost everywhere I have seen someone post about the ice bucket has included the link to the fund raising efforts to research diseases such as ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis). I am sorry if for some people are finding more intrusive than the unrequested posts that show up on twitter, facebook or other social media. It has raised quite a bit of cash for charity and I have found it more amusing than some of the other ways awareness can be raised.

At least a lot more people know about ALS now.

Some people can be so grouchy long before they are old enough to be screaming at those kids to get off their damn lawn.

Bunyip asserts...

Posted August 20, 2014
@Barnesm Some people can be so grouchy long before they are old enough to be screaming at those kids to get off their damn lawn.

It would appear that my attempt at irony was a bit too cryptic.

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
I thought you WERE old enough ;)

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2014
I was more directing it at Brimo and Murph.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2014
My lawn. Remove yourself.

Bunyip ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2014
@Barnesm I was more directing it at Brimo and Murph..

LOL. Our host is almost exactly (baring one week), one year younger than me. Murph is possibly beyond time and space, well at least as far as I know it.

Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 21, 2014
I have dog poop in my yard.

Watch yer step.

And yes, the poop is timeless.

Respects,
Murph
On the Outer Marches

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Bunyip reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014
Add me to the WTF crowd.

Darn kids, spilling their ice water all over my lawn...

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damian mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
I dunno, I thought Bill Gates' one was pretty good. There's something about a 60ish billionaire staring into the camera as he tips the ice water over his head that gives a lot of confidence in the strength of his convictions.

damian ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2014
Maybe strength of purpose is a better way to end that sentence... distracted and hurried :)

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w from brisbane is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2014
I wonder if anybody just went and tipped a bucket of ice water over themselves without filming it.
Unlikely, but I salute that person.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted August 21, 2014
I've done that on more than one occasion, but for reasons independent of any ALS awareness event.

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Therbs asserts...

Posted August 22, 2014
I saw one on a football show last weekend which proved to me the whole thing is a bucket of arse. Doing stupid shit for charity? I forget which Brit comedian said it but he reckoned you can do anything and get away with it if its in the name of charity. Doesn't make it any less dumb.

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Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers

Posted May 29, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Dateline. Brisbane.

A top level strike force has been set up to investigate the apparent disappearance of all news coverage of State of Origin north of the Tweed River. Queenslanders woke this morning to discover that newspapers and websites which had only yesterday been full to pussy’s bow with stories about the annual grudge match, were almost entirely bereft of any mention of the game, which happened last night according to sources close to the matter.

“I’ve never seen anything like it since the last time this happened,” said strike force commander Detective Inspector Bumper Cooley. “We’re obviously looking at some sort of fiendish and well organised criminal group, to sweep in and clean out the entire stock of local Origin news stories like they have. There can be no other explanation.”

Editors of the two largest local news outlets, The Courier Mail and Brisbanetimes, and executive producers of the state’s television news programs were as difficult to find for comment as the stories they were no longer running.

Jeppeson refused to say whether police were investigating a connection between the vanished news stories and the simultaneous disappearance of thousands of miles of maroon coloured bunting and Origin-related merchandising materials from the shopfronts of every business in the state capital.

Sources familiar with the investigation cnfirm that detectives are looking closely at a sudden upsurge in Origin related news stories in Sydney.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Wot don't we 'ave 'ere then?

13 Responses to ‘Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers’

BigWillieStyle would have you know...

Posted May 29, 2014
Oh, I'm confident the coverage will turn up. Give it a few hours. Expect Da Premier to front a press conference today and declare that as part of his Government's ongoing commitment to cutbacks, the result of last night's game has been culled.

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insomniac reckons...

Posted May 29, 2014
Not even stories involving confected outrage about those ultra-violent NSW barbarians committing grievous bodily harm to those poor QLD mungos?

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pitpat puts forth...

Posted May 29, 2014
Roger the dodger Rogerson should be extradited. I am sure he is behind it all. Him and that Abbott fellow probably. After all they are both from the arch robber baron state.

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Lobes asserts...

Posted May 29, 2014
Saw this coming a mile away. QRL players and administrators have been strutting around all week with a massive sense of entitlement. NSW on the other hand lurched from crisis to crisis and were forced to focus on wringing as much as they could out of themselves.

If I was Qld I'd start by sacking Mal Meninga.

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pi would have you know...

Posted May 29, 2014
QLD lost despite the best efforst of the refs in the final moments.

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Bedes ducks in to say...

Posted May 29, 2014

And as Queensland's finally fucked by light blue coloured queers,

Sydney bathes its morning erection with your maroon and salty tears.

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Therbs would have you know...

Posted May 29, 2014

There's a definite link between NSW winning and my scoring a six pack of swing top Grolsch deliciousness. Also the Led Zep "Kashmir" intro would have helped.


Hey Bedes, you should join the Deaf Poets Society.

Billy the Deaf Poet would have you know...

Posted May 29, 2014

It is Spring, I can't hear the birds sing. Why?

"Is it because I am deaf? Or because there are no birds?

Or are they made of silent cold shattering crystal

Like the dildo clenched between my mother's teeth."

- Billy

Therbs ducks in to say...

Posted May 29, 2014

I see ice dreams in spring's glittering thaw


Melting, running to your front door


Knocking, beseeching, alas, without hope


'Cos ya fkn deaf ya fkn dope


<EM>- valedictory poem for the Deaf Poets Class of 2013</EM>

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Chaz has opinions thus...

Posted May 29, 2014

Wow who'd have think it. QLD was telling everyone they'd already won, and then they lost.....

They must have been taking training from Will Carling


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pete puts forth...

Posted May 29, 2014
We have your shit down here boys, come and get it ... har har, bloody har

no offence ever intended ..

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Timmo swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 29, 2014
I think said disappearance may have been related to the marked absence of gloating, cheering and backslapping, along with the disappearance of maroon-themed t-shirts and memorabilia in my workplace as well. The blue has yet to make a solid appearance, due to a near-decade of abuse and disappointment.

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Nine Fingered Freak is gonna tell you...

Posted May 29, 2014
It rather bad when the Quartz is the only place you can find any origin news: http://qz.com/214611/its-not-a-man-bra-its-a-wearable-technology-optimization-device/

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Ominous sub editing fail of the day

Posted April 24, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

7 Responses to ‘Ominous sub editing fail of the day’

Dave W mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2014

One of those is clearly Knott coming. hahahahah, oh I'm so droll.

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Lulu would have you know...

Posted April 24, 2014

I blame winter.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted April 24, 2014

It goes without saying.

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Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 24, 2014

Well its more accurate than most of the newspaper articles I have seen.

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Sudragon has opinions thus...

Posted April 24, 2014

Miricle Day? Already?

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Abe Frellman swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 25, 2014

Surely the AFR gets the prize for WorldIsFukt?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/simoncrerar/newspaper-prints-world-is-fukt-on-front-page

If Chaz is reading, please grab me a hard copy and I'll pay you a tenner to hang onto it for me.

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Procrastination Masterclass

Posted February 16, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I've been enjoying the challenge of coming up with a non-news related funny column each Sunday. Although, I think I'll be relieved when it's over.

Today's topic, procrastination.

I'm JB and I will be your master for today's class. You might know me from some of the very interesting articles I failed to submit on time, or the amusing columns I never got around to writing at all. I have not published more than a dozen books that I'm sure would have been very popular, and some of which were undoubtedly a lay down misere to not win some quite prestigious awards had they been written … which they weren't.

[Insert your joke about reading it later in the comment thread below].

15 Responses to ‘Procrastination Masterclass’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted February 16, 2014

I just couldn't wait to post something on this interesting and compelling topic! I've been working hard on formulating a new theory explaining procrastion. I am engergized and motivated!

More on this later.

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w from brisbane has opinions thus...

Posted February 16, 2014

"I can complete any task I’m assigned, as long as I have something more important to do.“

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Rob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 16, 2014

I got nothing, I’m putting off procrastinating until next week .

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Blarkon mumbles...

Posted February 16, 2014

"Any sufficiently advanced procrastination will be indistinguishable from preparation"

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w from brisbane has opinions thus...

Posted February 16, 2014

Related to procrastination is the truism of Parkinson's law:
"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."

Though there is the corollary, which neatly states the positive side of procrastination:
"If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do."

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insomniac mumbles...

Posted February 16, 2014

I hate it in the mornings when ms insomniac dawdles; she makes me late for work and wastes my goofing off time.

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Blake mumbles...

Posted February 17, 2014

i would make a joke about reading it later, but ive got other work to do so I felt I could best maximise my procrastination time by reading it first then make an unneccesary comment here.

I'm a big fan of that essay which used to exist a few years ago online by an American philosophy professor who made the point that by structuring your procrastination appropriately you could actually get more work done (than you're standard procrastinator). Unfortunately I think he's pulled out most of the detail of the essay in an effort to sell books.

http://www.structuredprocrastination.com

insomniac puts forth...

Posted February 17, 2014

I agree with the prof's sentiments. On a possibly related note, many many years ago when TQM became the rage, the committee formed to study these things decided to do a time efficiency thingo, so we were required to categorise what we did every 15 minutes. The results were never released officially, but the morons on the committee had a habit of printing something to the communal printer and then forgetting to collect it, so it did become published in a way. The category where you had been doing nothing had been graphed for the 20 or so of us. It started off very low, and built up at the very end where I suspect I was, at about 20% doing nothing, and yet I was one of the busier, and higher output, people. I may piss around for long periods of the day, but when I work I do so quickly and accurately. I'm definitely a procrastinator (I'm here aren't I), but perhaps not a structured one, and I don't sit around expanding my work to fill the time, as expounded by w above.

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Conspiracy Cat asserts...

Posted February 17, 2014

You don't have my address. I couldn't be arsed filling out the enrolment form.

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Darth Greybeard reckons...

Posted February 18, 2014

A tweep asked why we weren't packing up the detrit, er, accumulated possessions of a lifetime to move south. I'm using the old assignment technique of doing nothing until the last minute then throwing something together in a panic. It's worked for me so far.

Conspiracy Cat swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 19, 2014

Oooooh, remind me to come and check out your first hard rubbish collection after the move. I'm in need of another trebuchet, and there's probably a few echidna skulls I could find a use for.

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Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 18, 2014

Don't you have a new book coming out ... Weapons of Choice or some such thing?

Why was there no reference to faffing in that cartoon?

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w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted February 19, 2014

I don't know about anybody else, but on the slider at the top that highlights recent blogs, I am a little unsettled by the photo for 'Procrastination Masterclass'.

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Isabella Moncrieff asserts...

Posted February 22, 2014

I am so glad I came across this while procrastinating!

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