Cheeseburger Gothic

The calming sounds of rain in a cafe by the sea, in a barnyard as a blue whale drives a train in outer space.

Posted March 11, 2016 into Science and Tech by John Birmingham

I've long used an app called Coffitivity to recreate the muted buzz of a cafe in my office. It's weird, but it works. With a bit of well chosen music you could be anywhere. It helps keep the insects from crawling under my skin as I sit at home, day after day, watching the slow pulsing of the walls as they breathe.

But fuck Coffitivity. Now I haz Noizio!

Not just a cafe, but all sorts of cool ambient sounds. From whales to trains to outer fucking space. You can play them singly, or all together, which I don't recommend.

Best of all, and kind of oddly, because it's so damn good, the app is free.

17 Responses to ‘The calming sounds of rain in a cafe by the sea, in a barnyard as a blue whale drives a train in outer space. ’

Nocturnalist mutters...

Posted March 11, 2016
"Rain in a cafe by the sea, in a barnyard as a blue whale drives a train in outer space" should be the brief for your next cover art.

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 11, 2016
This fits in nicely with my theory on brain consciousness. Basically you are filling up your conscious brain with something mindnumbing, thus allowing your subconscious brain to do its stuff. I think it drowns out the everyday stuff that might otherwise be distracting you from writing.

DarrenBloomfield is gonna tell you...

Posted March 12, 2016
I listened to a science podcast recently about "what is happening when an elite athlete chokes" - basically the science of choking (in any domain, not just sport)
And yeah, it is essentially that the person gets trapped into doing consciously what they normally do unconsciously. Once a skill is so ingrained as to be best done unconsciously (think driving a car) - it sucks to then be doing it with conscious thought.
Maybe golfers should play this app to make the cut?

w from brisbane is gonna tell you...

Posted March 12, 2016
You could argue that the droning ambient sounds that provide comfort are a bit like the sounds of the womb.

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NBlob would have you know...

Posted March 11, 2016
Dude I know drives a desk in his back bedroom. He avoids cabin fever with a 50" portal to elsewhere. A dedicated TV that streams web cam dejour, Canadian eagles roosting, Bahamas fish-cam, Moscow traffic, most beaches between Fraser Island and Lennox Head and my favourite, the view down from the forward copola on the ISS. Over the last 2 years or so HD has reached effective saturation.

Halwes asserts...

Posted March 12, 2016
Dude? God help me

NBlob asserts...

Posted March 12, 2016
Ok, sorry. "A chap I know."

Halwes reckons...

Posted March 12, 2016
A bit uncalled for on my part comrade however when the democratic socialists start Americanising our language I realise that we're stuffed.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted March 12, 2016
No problem, but while we are pedanting, I think it's AmericaniZing.
Nyuk Nuuk nyuk

Halwes asserts...

Posted March 13, 2016
I bet your missus thinks you're hilarious. She must laugh and laugh

NBlob puts forth...

Posted March 15, 2016
Spooky, it's like you know us.

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asmith1024 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 11, 2016
We are living in our own science fiction.

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted March 12, 2016
I want the ambient noise of inside a small spacecraft, like Serenity.

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HAVOCK21 asserts...

Posted March 12, 2016
fkn pussies.
I was thinking more like. Opening day salvo ( actually nightish) for El Alimain mixed with Spandau snarls ( MG42 ) and 25mm pum pum, with maybe a faint hint of Robert Duval and some chopper sounds. Now that I think some more, maybe bbatle cries and quotes raining in the backgrond. Rusty in Glad, Mel in blue face paint, arnie
fk the whale shit and BARNES...>FKN SPACECRAFT FFASAKES!

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JG mumbles...

Posted March 13, 2016
Cool. I like how you can combine noises (eg rain, thunder, cafe chatter and the clink of china). The accents aren't annoying, although they could add the odd Australian in. Listening to the sound of rain and birds outside. There goes a kookaburra. I love rainy days. Wish I could delete traffic noise in the real world, although the swoosh of tyres on wet roads is alright. Speaking of apps, anyone know of any good free photo editing apps? I enjoy nature photography and creating photo art with some of it. I'm trying Pixlr at the moment.

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Analog Penetration reckons...

Posted March 13, 2016
Sounds like something I've got.
A seamless, unending stream of detuned 8kHz sine wave from the moment I wake up to when I fall asleep. It has never needed rebooting, recharging or updating. In fact it's been running for decades with zero down time.
You can keep yer high-falootin' app. It's good ol' fashioned tinnitus for me.

insomniac puts forth...

Posted March 13, 2016
I think I might be married to something similar.

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Please do not insert that goose quill in my bottom

Posted March 2, 2016 into Science and Tech by John Birmingham

Wrote this for my bro's site.

Apple does not advise you stick the primary wing feather of a large bird into your iPhone, but the US Government is insisting on doing just that anyway. It won’t be good for your phone. The All Writs Act, the nail-studded legislative club with which the FBI intends to beat Cupertino into submission, was written before electricity was even a thing.

In those days, the US Supreme Court did all of its work with giant goose quill pens. In one of those strange anachronisms which so delight lawyers, twenty goose quill pens — neatly laid out like the crossed bones of a pirate flag — are still placed at the four counsel tables in front of the full bench of the Court every hearing day.

Apple’s lawyers will undoubtedly souvenir a couple for themselves when they go all the way to the Supremes to protect your phone from the FBI’s figurative but pointy goose quill. The Feebs have been planning to jab Tim Cook like this for years.

Read the rest over at Which-50.

7 Responses to ‘Please do not insert that goose quill in my bottom’

Therbs reckons...

Posted March 2, 2016
Terrorists are becoming the sole reason control freaks use for wanting access to EVERYTHING we say, email, tweet, post, write, paint, act, film, sing, sculpt, photograph or leave at the bottom of a toilet bowl. The latter would be fine if they were doing bowel cancer screening but the rest? "Nah, mate, nah." (quote from "Roy" Symonds declining the call for a third run off an on drive during his 279 run partnership with Haydos in the 2006 Boxing Day Test against the Poms).

pi asserts...

Posted March 2, 2016
Sole reason? Oh no... let's not forget child pornography and drugs.

We have to think of the children.

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Blarkon is gonna tell you...

Posted March 2, 2016
Warrant Free Zones will be awesome. Data can be hidden from anyone. Good luck proving that that old priest has a hard drive full of Smurf Porn when he can access it over an unbreakable encrypted VPN and can store it on an unbreakably encrypted hard disk drive. You can't see what he downloaded even when he's downloading it.
The next Al Capone won't go down for tax evasion if no one can access his records. Keep everything encrypted. A decade from now there will be little digital evidence of anything. 's going to be impossible to convict people when all documentary evidence is protected by unbreakable mathematics what suits libertarian paranoia and Silicon Valley Oligarch's bottom wallets.
Of course this is really about helping out all those freedom fighters that are fighting corrupt governments and stuff like that. Because that's who all these technologies are being built for right? 's like owning a pew pew. 's not about shooting people. 's about stopping repressive wossnames.

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted March 2, 2016
What's in it for a Lizard Emporer for Ifruit to write a code to hack some dead maddies phone?

Blarkon would have you know...

Posted March 3, 2016
The vast majority of times that law enforcement needs access to the content of digital devices is for catching the mundane criminals that populate jails.

In a couple of years, because some nerds in the valley decided it would be cool, this will no longer be possible.

A debate needs to be had - what are the benefits of having these devices in everyone's hands (no one really makes a great argument why the average punter needs crypto that can keep out the government - just some hypotheticals about people living in the sort of dystopic cyberpunk societies that a number of computer nerds secretly want to live in because they read Snow Crash or saw The Matrix at an impressionable age) and what are the drawbacks?

Crypto is great when it's at the home security system level, but may have some unintended consequences if everyone has the "impenetrable fortress level" crypto.

Lobes mumbles...

Posted March 4, 2016
Some of us actually do live in a dystopic society and don't want the half-arsed corrupt national security services to have access to our thoughts and communications. Its fine to say "oh but the FBI only want to catch Terrorists/kid fiddlers/al capone" but once the genie is out of the bottle he will be granting wishes to everyone with a penchant and not just the FBI good guys.

Its not just a matter of political freedom either, this will have wide ranging commercial implications. When some corrupt hack in a NatSec IT department sells off the iphone jaibreak code to my commercial competitors it wont be long before theyre reading my emails and sliding into my client list with marginally better offers, hell, lets be real here, I'd even consider doing it myself.

If the FBI want to catch bad guys they should get off their fat arses and do some real detective work with all the hard work and risks that it entails and not compromise the rest of us just to save themselves time and money.

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DarrenBloomfield reckons...

Posted March 2, 2016
That's a cool stylus though.

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IllumiBowl Toilet Night Light

Posted February 22, 2016 into Science and Tech by John Birmingham

The light's gone in our back bathroom. I know Jane is just gonna love my solution. The IllumiBowl Toilet Night Light. The only way it could be any better is if it was named The IllumiBowl Toilet Night Light 3000.

23 Responses to ‘IllumiBowl Toilet Night Light’

KreepyKrawly swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 22, 2016
Only if it isn't pee green.... ß-Þ

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Blarkon has opinions thus...

Posted February 22, 2016
Would be great if it pulsed and dropped a phat beat when you dropped a deuce.

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insomniac asserts...

Posted February 22, 2016
Can't you just strap a laser pointer to The Old Persuader?

NBlob asserts...

Posted February 22, 2016
No. No no no no no.

Rhino mutters...

Posted February 24, 2016
I did that once. Walked around the party, pointing it at the odd hottie, saying, "I am Rhino of Borg. Resistance is futile."

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Blarkon would have you know...

Posted February 22, 2016
This would only work if he made lightsaber noises in the toilet.

AuntyLou puts forth...

Posted February 22, 2016
I have three sons. They loved Ghostbusters. I found all of them around the toilet bowl screaming at each other..."Don't cross the streams!!" The youngest was so little they had to drag in a step stool. Ahhh, bonding.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted February 23, 2016
I just showed my wife the photo and she said:

"Oooo! People need that! You don't want to miss in the dark.
Tell me that hasn't happened to you."

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MuttsInc would have you know...

Posted February 23, 2016

I don't know anything about glow-in-the-dark dunnies; I'm lost.

I was following (so debasing) a tweet recommendation and got vomited out in a book club (where I'm now a slave, WTF?) and then signed up to something else (where they promised drugs and empty bank accounts) and now I can't find my way out.

I keep reflexing 'enter' when all I wanna do is 'exit' and the 'escape' key just gives me a funny look.

Shit. Is this the Luddite graveyard? Where non-followers come to fade away? I wanna go home...take off this uniform and...leave the show...

Okay; I'll read your damn books. Just let me outta here, all right? Can you hear me? Fine. I'm a patient man; you'll get bored before me.

And I'm on battery power. Not plugged in, see? I'll run down, and you'll lose control. Could use a cold beer though, maybe a burger...

...not long now...and...ha

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Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted February 23, 2016
Someone notify the Nobel committee, we have this year's peace prize winner.

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JG is gonna tell you...

Posted February 23, 2016
This the new Game of Thrones? Unsettling.

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pitpat is gonna tell you...

Posted February 23, 2016
Three boys with poor aim late at night, this gives them a nice big target. Love it, my partner is a bit undecided. Do they come in beige?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted February 23, 2016
Deny them food and water for three days. Their aim will improve substantially.

AuntyLou would have you know...

Posted February 23, 2016
Ping pong ball in the water. Even half awake the challenge can not be resisted.

FormerlyKnownAsSimon mutters...

Posted February 24, 2016
this idea is much better than a target stick on the back of the bowl

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Spanner is gonna tell you...

Posted February 23, 2016
Does it come with an app on your iphone so you can change the colours depending on your mood?
I'm feeling a little blue *pushes button on phone* and there we go....Ahhhhhhhhhhh

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John has opinions thus...

Posted February 23, 2016
I want this for halloween. Dry ice, green glowy toilet and sinister fog. Cue beer and bongs and let the fun begin.

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MuttsInc ducks in to say...

Posted February 23, 2016
that makes me - for reasons best left undescribed - think of chameleon skin toilet paper : it was there a second ago...when I was happy, and now I can't find it

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Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted February 23, 2016
yeah its all fun and games until one drunk visitor goes to piss and screams "My piss is glowing green......." similar effect achieved by adding food dye to dinner.
Nice Henry Renyold's reference in today's Blunty Birmo

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Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 24, 2016
Dig a hole in the garden.
Throw in some chemlights.
Done.
The Havok Illumibowl.

Dave W has opinions thus...

Posted February 24, 2016
Which raises the question, what _is_ the power source for this thing?
I have to be honest, not many things in my household could frighten me more through the sudden appearance of a power cable being attached to them.
Toilet bowl + power cable = constipation.

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SZF reckons...

Posted February 25, 2016
Are you reading this, Bethedsa? My Fallout 4 settlements need these.

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Lobes swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 26, 2016
Cannot believe they didnt call it the IllumaBowel

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Graviton waves

Posted February 12, 2016 into Science and Tech by John Birmingham

That's what Starfleet calls them, so that's what they are.

Nice story in The New Yorker about how we captured them and made them our slaves*.

Just over a billion years ago, many millions of galaxies from here, a pair of black holes collided. They had been circling each other for aeons, in a sort of mating dance, gathering pace with each orbit, hurtling closer and closer. By the time they were a few hundred miles apart, they were whipping around at nearly the speed of light, releasing great shudders of gravitational energy. Space and time became distorted, like water at a rolling boil. In the fraction of a second that it took for the black holes to finally merge, they radiated a hundred times more energy than all the stars in the universe combined. They formed a new black hole, sixty-two times as heavy as our sun and almost as wide across as the state of Maine. As it smoothed itself out, assuming the shape of a slightly flattened sphere, a few last quivers of energy escaped. Then space and time became silent again.

*OK. We may not have actually enslaved them yet, but that day is coming, you arrogant gravitons.

20 Responses to ‘Graviton waves’

WarDog swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 12, 2016
This is the greatest piece of news this century and will be until our AI overloads finally announce themselves.

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GhostSwirv has opinions thus...

Posted February 12, 2016
Graviton Waves are the best kinda waves ... reminding me of an awesome galactic curl introducing a mega-Hawaii Five-O.

If this discovery is truly going to herald in a new beginning of space-travel and if Elon Musk can monetise gravitons the same way he's made money from silent wheels we need to decide early on what measurement of speed we are going to use.

The Gravitational Wave-Hunters of Drago, Weiss, Reitze, Kalogera and Effler all could lay claim to having a unit of speed named after them, well maybe not Weiss, but for my money I'd like to hear a future Captain Kirk order a future Lt. Sulu to pour on the glissandos when going to graviton speed.

Does this discovery now mean that Interstellar has to be re-classified from Science Fiction to Science Documentary and could Matthew McConaughey lay claim to calling a unit of gravitons a 'Coop'?

What I truly hope is that the LIGO detector turns its instruments onto the CSIRO to try and find some missing funding to keep our scientists involved in this development from disappearing down an Oz-based Black Hole ... good thing Banannabee is such a fan of space exploration science ... oh no wait, that's only the specious based science of a coal mine?

Barnesm asserts...

Posted February 13, 2016
Keep your goddman Matthew (Intersettler) McConaughey away from these gravity waves, he'll get feels all over them.

GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted February 13, 2016
They're powering his Lincoln.

JG is gonna tell you...

Posted February 15, 2016
The exciting discovery of colliding black holes producing sound waves from millions of years ago will totally revolutionise space research. I hope greater investment in Australian science research (including climate change research) eventuates. GhostSwirv, here's a bit about the CSIRO axings in today's Brisbane Times: http://m.brisbanetimes.com.au/technology/sci-tech/csiro-hailed-contribution-to-gravitation-waves-find--for-work-done-by-axed-unit-20160214-gmtmhu.html
Joanna

Barnesm reckons...

Posted February 16, 2016
well no doubt the government thinks the question of gravition waves is 'settled'. probably want them reassigned to some other cutting edge research, like clean coal, or steel smelting.

GhostSwirv reckons...

Posted February 16, 2016
Thanks JG - after reading the article I have to remind my optimistic self that the reality of current RWNJ (non)-thinking is always worse than we can possibly imagine.

Here's hoping some sacked CSIRO types get together in someone's parent's garage and dreams up a patent for a propulsion system utilising graviton waves, dark matter, dark chocolate and dark energy - and make sure non of the royalties flow back to the current Feds, to fund the copper, (might as well be broad-bean) broadband.

Barnesm mutters...

Posted February 16, 2016
I believe Harry Harrison's titular heroes used a cheese matrix rather than chocolate.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 16, 2016
I distantly recall something called a "cheddite projector." Star Smashers of The Galaxy Rangers?

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insomniac would have you know...

Posted February 12, 2016
Still not exciting enough for ms insomniac to care about space. This is what I am up against.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted February 12, 2016
Do ms Insoniac & SWMBO belong to some secret sisterhood of space haters?

insomniac asserts...

Posted February 12, 2016
Perhaps so, but my issues go way beyond space. Science fiction, vampires, zombies, vampire zombies, fun. You name it, she's agin it.

NBlob puts forth...

Posted February 12, 2016
To be fair SWMBO isn't agin everything. She likes ice cream.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted February 13, 2016
I readily admit hating space. It is unnecessarily big.

insomniac mutters...

Posted February 13, 2016
How big or small would space have to be for you to like it?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted February 14, 2016
I'm not picky. I just want something more convenient.

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BigWillieStyle asserts...

Posted February 12, 2016
God totally invented those graviton waves.

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted February 13, 2016
yeah that's just what Big Gravity want you to think. Wake up sheeple.

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Squid would have you know...

Posted February 13, 2016
Nice story. I believe black holes have trouble finding anyone to get along with.

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Shifty Tourist ducks in to say...

Posted February 15, 2016
"Of all the extremely precise gravitational-wave observatories, in all the world, it had to wander into mine"

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Japan's stealth fighter

Posted February 4, 2016 into Science and Tech by John Birmingham

Two articles over at the Lowy Interpreter, one wondering if the F-35 might not be so bad after all. (Reminds me of the Simpsons joke about Springfield Mall, "Where teeange gangs aren't such a problem any more"):

The assumed rules of air-to-air combat may be shifting from speed to sensor capability and payload. As a report from the Center for Strategic and Budgetary Assessments found last year, 'advances in electronic sensors, communications technology, and guided weapons may have fundamentally transformed the nature of air combat.' Other than its stealth capability, these are attributes where the F-35 boasts significantly advances. It seems the stealth characteristics that were the big selling point of the F-35 may become second tier, and its sensor and communication capabilities could make it the plane for our time.

And a longer piece looking at Japan's ATD-X, currently just a technology demonstrator, but a potentially 'friendly' rival for the F-35 and not so friendly for China's J-20 and J-31.

It is 'a testbed platform for multiple technologies', including next-generation electronically scanned array radar, multi-dimensional thrust vectoring, an indigenous low-bypass turbofan engine and radar-absorbing composite materials. Production of an 'F-3' fighter will not begin until 2027, at the earliest. It is likely that this plane could turn out to be so expensive — a single F-3 could cost US$200 million or more — that Japan may never buy more than a handful.

If successful, the ADT-X/F-3 could shift the centre of gravity in the fighter jet industry from the North Atlantic closer to the Asia-Pacific. If Japan decided to market this fighter to overseas customers — increasingly likely, as Tokyo is quietly watering down its near-total arms export ban — then the F-3 could seriously challenge the West's predominance in this highly lucrative business sector. That, however, depends on the cosmic alignment of a great many technological, economic and political factors, a 'harmonic convergence' that is hardly assured. Japan, despite all its advantages, will continue to struggle in building and maintaining a state-of-the-art aerospace industry.

10 Responses to ‘Japan's stealth fighter’

Aaron asserts...

Posted February 4, 2016
Japan might see arms exports a good shift for it's high end manufacturing industry considering the increased competition in auto industry.???

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Aaron mutters...

Posted February 4, 2016
The fighter would be perfect for ending up in an alternate timeline in japan circa 1942...

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WarDog asserts...

Posted February 4, 2016

Having had significant industry exposure to this field and the sensor field over the last couple of years I can safely say that the capabilities of REDACTED far exceed the F-35 and it's REDACTED sensor array with range REDACTED, frequency REDACTED and REDACTED spatial resolution provide no hiding spots for either the F-25 or proposed F-3.

But most importantly, REDACTED capabilities REDACTED REDACTED of REDACTED cohorts mean that the REDACTED will provide superior firepower until at least REDACTED.

Nocturnalist would have you know...

Posted February 4, 2016
See, it's so stealthy even internet posts about it are partially obscured.

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted February 5, 2016
Well played WD.

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Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted February 5, 2016

and in other stuff happening I see China reached another milestone with the Y-20 heavy transport and Type 901 replenishment aircraft.


As Omar Bradley said "Amateurs talk strategy, professionals talk logistics".

but logistics are so DUUUULLLLLLLLLL.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted February 6, 2016
Decades behind.

Decades.

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Blarkon mumbles...

Posted February 5, 2016
Doesn't transform into a mech. Get your shit together Japan.

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GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted February 5, 2016

Japan should forget about stealth tech and pore all of its defence budget into developing a Jaeger Program.

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DarrenBloomfield puts forth...

Posted March 3, 2016
I know you share my passionate lust for the SR-71.
https://m.thevintagenews.com/2015/10/12/sr-71-blackbird-pilot-shares-the-most-amazing-story-ever-very-cocky/2/

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Weird iMac

Posted February 1, 2016 into Science and Tech by John Birmingham

About six months ago my original 27 inch iMac sort of... died. It look liked catastrophic hard drive failure. Of course by then I couldn't even look at the wretched thing because it's ugly non Retina screen offended my very eyes. So it sat on the floor, neglected, until today.

I had an hour spare at lunch so I ran it into the genius bar. I'd already written them a stern note about their responsibilites under Australian consumer law and was expecting they'd simply take it away and swap out the drive.

Instead, the genius hooked it up to a diagnostic rig and set to testing it. I wanted to roll my eyes but waited. They had to do this.

The fucking thing which was completely dead, an ex parrot, when last I checked sprang back into life. I started to grind my teeth but the tech frowned, "That's odd."

And it was. My dead iMac came back to life as a new iMac. "It's like it's just come out of the box," said the genius. And it was. No third party software. No files. No preferences. Nothing. Just a new iMac.

I had to bring it home without a new drive. It now sits back on the floor again.

Watching me. Mocking me.

Scaring me.

21 Responses to ‘Weird iMac’

damian mutters...

Posted February 1, 2016
So when you say "hard drive failure" what you actually mean is "one of your kids formatted the hard drive"?
Just asking. To me, "hard drive failure" isn't something that even slows a computer down (actually makes it faster, because it forces a "format and reinstall"). That applies for Macs even more than anything else.
Viognier in the power supply circuit - now that's a better excuse for issues.

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w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted February 1, 2016
Yeah, it's amazing what works if you actually plug it in.

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she_jedi asserts...

Posted February 1, 2016
Well at least it obeyed one rule of physics in this universe - the rule whereby non functioning IT hardware and/or software will immediately function PERFECTLY once in the vicinity of someone even vaguely qualified to diagnose and treat its problems.

As a systems analyst, if I had a dollar for every time someone said to me "I SWEAR TO GOD THAT THING WAS DEADER THAN AN EX PARROT 30 SECONDS AGO!" I'd be able to retire with a gold hovercraft and an army of Channing Tatum clones to wait on me hand and foot.

ShaneAlpha is gonna tell you...

Posted February 2, 2016
I always get a laugh from our clients when I tell them that."You know that they're listening to you, just waiting for you to call the service desk. So that they can then embarrass you."

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NBlob mumbles...

Posted February 1, 2016
Curses, I hate it when carefully constructed purchasing validation collapses before one's eyes. It almost as bad as Greybeard, you know, being.

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Blarkon ducks in to say...

Posted February 1, 2016
It stopped working because you needed more Apple equipment. If you had a new MacBook Pro and and iPad Pro, things would work better. Kids would do their homework. Planets would align. Steve would come back.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted February 2, 2016
None of you realize the true importance of this event. The iMac was dead. It has risen. It is a fucking miracle, proof of God, and possibly the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

Jesus
said he would return (or some guy writing in really awful Greek
hundreds of years after His death claiming to quote Him says He said He
would return) but Christ never said what form He would take.

For
all of you naysayers saying nay to the foregoing bit of irrefutable
faith-based logical reasoning, you need to recognize that Jesus
returning as a computer is not as bad as it might appear. It is a
divine mercy. He could have returned as a woman. But He chose not to
test us so cruelly, which is further proof that God loves us.

And
that means that you, John, are now the instrument of God's will and
must serve the Holy iMac as Aaron served Moses. You will be the Voice -
all that you write using that iMac will be the Word of God.

And that means we, your readers should rejoice. Rejoice! This means John will really and truly complete the Axis of Time story line.

This is further proof that God loves us. Well, proof that He loves Me. The rest of you are on your own.

NBlob mumbles...

Posted February 2, 2016
Yea verily, blessed be the stupid mouse

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 2, 2016
Is this God's way of telling us that Eve is forgiven? You know, the whole apple thing. Kinda ironic.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted February 2, 2016
Take it from me, God digs irony. God's brutal fetish for irony explains everything.

NBlob asserts...

Posted February 2, 2016
You know what, that may be the most profound thing I've read in some time.

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted February 2, 2016
Didn't Jesus 2 get switched off? Was the Second Coming snuffed out just as it began?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted February 3, 2016
Switched off? No. He is but sleeping. And when John has finished with the now divinely inspired and sanctioned AoT, I am hoping (possibly praying, but I may not have time for that today, or tomorrow, you know how it goes) that the Blessed iMac finds its way into the hands of SMS so he will be divinely compelled to pick up the Nantucket series again.

Rejoice!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted February 3, 2016
You know what, that may be the most profound thing I've read in some time.

You taking the piss, mate?

Even if yes, let's expand on it a moment: the most difficult task associated with faith is the concept that God loves us. All evidence points to a very different conclusion - i.e., that the universe is an infinitely complex diversion with irony being the driving entertaining force.

There is a Yiddish proverb I learned a long time ago: "mensch tracht und gott lacht" (if you want God to laugh, tell him your plans). If God hears prayers, then only an idiot would try to get God's attention through prayer.

Now, if you will excuse me, it is time for me to go and pray for a new car.


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Bangar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 2, 2016
Has Aunty Q visited?

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pitpat swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 2, 2016
Welcome to the world of Microsoft users. We've been dealing with this sort of BSOD for decades.

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Murphy_of_Missouri ducks in to say...

Posted February 2, 2016
Strange, this experience is so familiar to me.

Yet for me, it was not computers, it was cars. Notably any car that my father had any connection with. Vehicles would develop problems, act up, have brake failures, stall out, and the like. I'd tell him and naturally the former helicopter mechanic turned forklift mechanic would test the vehicle only to find that nothing at all was wrong.

Until the brakes failed and I t-boned a Lee's Summit maintenance truck. Or the heads popped. Or a gasket blew the heads open. Or . . .

Now, a strange thing happened when he died. Keep in mind, neither my mother nor myself are mechanics to any degree.

This strange thing?

Our vehicles stopped breaking down.

Coincidence? Hard to say.

Your computer? Leave in the corner to collect dust. Give it to someone who you hate with an ever lasting passion. But don't trust it, John.

Not ever.

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Therbs asserts...

Posted February 2, 2016

A zombie iMac. It's in your house. You know what to do.

Havock - dust off the "Sanitation ZedJB" plans.

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balri mumbles...

Posted February 2, 2016
I need an iMac. How much do you want for it?

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted February 2, 2016
Lemme see what they're offering for trade ins.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted February 2, 2016
Although, I'd be nervous selling it to someone given my experience with it.

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