Cheeseburger Gothic

An Extraordinary Meeting of the Bounders Club

Posted Tuesday into Blunty by John Birmingham

I am shocked, shocked I tell you, to discover a structural inequity fashioned into the very apparel with which our ladies must enclothe themselves.

But I am also quietly relieved, having been originally quite concerned that the repeal of stern but uncompromising legislation prohibiting the escape of lady legs into the public realm would lead to all manner of distraction for any poor fellow momentarily deflected from his daily course by some unexpected encounter with the female undercarriage.

From the Archives of the Bounders Club. Minutes and Proceedings of an extraordinary meeting to address the threat of lady pants.

Gentlemen, it has recently come to my attention that lady pants do not have pockets.

At the Instrument...

9 Responses to ‘An Extraordinary Meeting of the Bounders Club’

she_jedi mutters...

Posted Tuesday
When the revolution happens, the designers and tailors who were complicit with the patriarchy and denied us wimminfolk functional pockets in our ladypants will be the first to meet the firing squads.

There are no words to adequately describe the frustration of pants sans pockets, or the deep resentment we feel toward menpants with their voluminous and mandatory pockets, or the rage we feel when we're asked why we cart such enormous handbags with us everywhere we go. Honestly, I can't dress for work or a night out without bringing along some kind of reticule to hold my phone, wallet and keys. Total bullshit.

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HAVOCK21 would have you know...

Posted Tuesday
Oi..Oi!!!!!!!! you lot, I must say gentlemen…and those of the coven. It is with a rather ample drop of trepidation I might add, for I find that trousers, pants, items out of lycra and all other manner of the fem fatal ensemble cladding thee coven members shipped lower extremities are for specific scientifica based or derived factoids. For without exposing myself too much, Its rather easy to define the benefits and you might say drawbacks.
Imagine no pocket bulges and optically tracking the opposite form, boning up and having naught pockets with which to have festooned within survival equipment and thus shrouding the expanding moment. I mean, how might one adjust one’s self in complete anonymity, or for that matter imagine the primary axels left and right wheels being somewhat exposed….my bad, I remember that being a seventies thing and the resulting lower than expected birth-rates.

Where was I?............ Oh yes, afternoons, evening and mornings wandering down the street with your hand in the pocket of the other half, obviously for no other reason than to aid their balance and protect them from nefarious persons. Ummm, “Cough’ not sure if that still PC even the days. How would it be if they worked out that tackle room on hot days has a distinct advantage, might they also discover the wonders of choosing which side you might “ dress on” that ability to swing left or right..such a wondrous thing.

And…… before any objectioners start their coven orientated dribble, I’ll have all know, its known, legislated in our minutes and constitution that giving them the choice is detrimental to male eyesight!.. Jesus…I mean. Imagine not being able to tail gate, look at the swanky Ferrari’s back end and only discover its clad in pockets, laden with rather pretty, but as we know ultimately useless stuff and the chassis is obscured. GAWD I WOULD BLOODY WELL HATE THAT.

I don’t think we should allow them stitched, it’s a slippery slope that one and far better that we have them continued as a mere thought of, built for but not with accessory never to be added.

NBlob would have you know...

Posted Wednesday
Rumour has it Mz Lorna Jane has been nominated for an Order of Australia, for packaging.

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jason swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted Wednesday
If women get pockets what happens to those of us whose only function is to carry the spare lipstick in our side pocket. I for one would have outlived my usefulness.

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w from brisbane mutters...

Posted Wednesday
The no pockets policy also explains why most young women have a cracked mobile phone screen.

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NBlob reckons...

Posted Wednesday
Can I take off this dugong suit yet?
It's getting sweaty & stinky in here.
And not in a good way?

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insomniac asserts...

Posted Wednesday
I was with my granddaughter and there was some thing she wanted me to hold, so I said put it in your pocket, and... there was no pocket. I recall thinking that even young girls can't have pockets in their lady pants.

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted Thursday
The repression starts early :(

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted Friday
Belatedly back from my mission. I can confirm that the Ladies Clothing Manufacturers Union carried a motion put forth by the Pants sub branch.
The motion stated

(i) This meeting calls on all members to enforce a ban on the application of pockets or other such deviations to female pants or pants-like clothing
(ii) This meeting recognises the efforts of the Bounders Club in exposing the corrupt practices of the imperialist oppressors who are demanding pockets.
(iii) This meeting commends the sacrifice of Mr Havock of the Bounders Club in looking at prototypes of be-pocketed female pants.
(iv) This meeting calls on manufacturers to cease their war on women and allow our female comrades to be pockets free.

The motion was unanimously carried at industry - wide workplace meetings of the members. And then we all fucked off to the pub and listened to Redgum and Billy Bragg songs.
.

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"A skeevy wangboozle as crooked as mouthful of Dickensian urchin teeth"

Posted October 2 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Apparently all my investments in ergonomically sexy chairs and exotic dark matter standy mats were bullshit.

Well, this sucks. I just bought an ergonomic keyboard and before it even arrives the whole field of ergonomics is revealed to be a skeevy wangboozle as crooked as mouthful of Dickensian urchin teeth.

I don’t much care that companies and governments might be wasting hundreds of millions of dollars a year on dodgy “ergonomic chairs, keyboards and consultants”, as reported by Fairfax Media yesterday.

But I care heaps that I might have just wasted $39 on a discount Microsoft ergonomic keyboard from the Beast of Bezos and it may not immediately cure my crippling minor discomfort from typing too much.

Who'd a thunk it? Me, at Blunty.

1 Responses to ‘"A skeevy wangboozle as crooked as mouthful of Dickensian urchin teeth"’

Dave W ducks in to say...

Posted October 3
I swear by the ergonomic keyboard. The rest of it I'm sure can easily be explained away by the need to keep moving.

After all, I don't just sit on the couch for hours on end in the same position. Eventually I move just to ensure that I can drink beer and eat salted pig nibbles. Why would the work environment be any different?

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I have let myself down. I have let Apple down

Posted September 25 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From Blunty today:

I have had a horrible realisation. I don’t need a new iPhone. But it’s worse than that. I don’t need a new phone of any sort. If I was rocking a Samsung, or Pixel or any smart phone released in the last four or five years, as long as I could replace the battery … I wouldn’t need to upgrade.

This is an awful, shameful thing to know about yourself, but I had been creeping up on awareness for a while now.

The eye-watering price tag for the latest fondle slabs from the blessed fruit company did surely hurry me along to revelation, but it was an instance of calculated generosity that pushed me over.

I replaced the battery on my old iPhone 6S Plus a week ago. With nearly 750 charging cycles on the clock it was, as the iMinion from the Genius Bar told me, “about to be consumed”. They sounded both horrified and impressed by that. Apparently not many batteries survive in the wild long enough to be “consumed”.

On the upside though, it frees up some money to buy a new iPad Pro. My curent iPad is nearly seven years old. I figure to retire it to the kitchen.

7 Responses to ‘I have let myself down. I have let Apple down’

Murphy_of_Missouri is gonna tell you...

Posted September 25
The only downside of my iPhone SE is that it isn't waterproof. Otherwise, it does what the 4 and the 5S did.

Worse, instead of buying an Apple smart watch, I got a Fitbit Ionic instead. :D

Respects,
Murphy
Still on the Outer Marches

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Leftarc asserts...

Posted September 25
Does your Newton still work?

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Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted September 25
Does your old iPad still work properly? Our one works - but crashes with many websites. It's so crap it's been relegated to being a fancy Kindle machine.

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted September 25
Yeah, it's a bit janky, but it works fine for consumption. I want to upgrade because Scrivener and Word are a bit too slow and jumpy on it to be useful.

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Dirk mutters...

Posted September 25
And in the next episode you reveal that you are cheating on Siri by installing Google Assistant?

"Step towards the dark side, my young Padawan ... ";)

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HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted September 25
me LG G6 fkn ROCKS..then again. I ONLY bought it cos a got a free LG TV in the deal. BUT. I still believe it kicks the skany fkn arse of the POXY TOOO FKN DEAR RIP YA OFF BASTARD THATS FKN STEVE POX HEAD JOBS!!


I know qualoity when I see iot. I should, I look at me self every day iin the mirros and just go....FKN WOW!...THATS GOOOOOD!!

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jl ducks in to say...

Posted September 26
Hell, my WallyWorld cheap Chinese smart phone does everything I could ever want... for eighteen dollars. But I did buy iThings for my daughters, and I swear by Macs for the home computers.

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My sweaty buttcheeks look nothing like Nick Earls'

Posted September 11 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From today's Blunty:

"I’m pretty sure the only reason I don’t have a perfect five star Uber rating is because sometimes people get me and Nick Earls mixed up and Nick is notorious for getting underpants-literally-on-his-head drunk and that Uber guy who gave me less than five stars must have had Nick in the back seat, drunk as a lord, undies on his bonce, and sweaty buttcheeks smearing up the leatherette interior."

You might probably not be surprised to learn that our lawyers insisted I get Nick's okeldokely for this.

1 Responses to ‘My sweaty buttcheeks look nothing like Nick Earls'’

FormerlyKnownAsSimon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 11
Uber were watching blackmirror one night and got excited didn't they? "those dirty customers always rating down our drivers with their high expectations and causing us grief with follow up customer calls. Well, we'll show them"

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Cricket Australia's billion dollar score

Posted April 17 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Sharp-eyed punters will see a subtle difference between my original opening par for today's Blunty (below) and the published version after the link.

The draughty feeling between your legs? That’s a lack of pants down there, my friend. And the soft kiss of a gentle breeze wafting over your pink bits is a natural consequence of the sweet nothings being whispered into your arse by the executives at Seven and Foxtel, and their enablers in the Federal government who just let Cricket Australia drop the nation’s summer sport behind a pay wall.

Seven and Foxtel’s joint billion dollar deal for the broadcast rights to Test and limited overs cricket, is about as clear a breach of the anti-siphoning legislation as you could hope for… if you had a lazy billion dollars lying around and you wanted to spend the next six years gouging millions of punters for all they were worth.

1 Responses to ‘Cricket Australia's billion dollar score’

spankee asserts...

Posted April 18
Struggling to find any major differences. Is it the font? Did you use Sans Pants?

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A slobber of mots

Posted March 13 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Brisbane has been struggling through a crime wave. Even better it's a foreign crime wave. Even betterer again, the foreigners are Irish and they've mostly been scamming food and drink, and stuffing too many potatoes in the toilet.

I decided this was definitely a topic for The Instrument. Unfortunately the sensivity protocols at Fairfax didnt allow me to go competely to town. I had to change the phrase a 'slobber of skankapotamusses' to a 'slobber of mots', which is more cullturally appropropriate, and actually scans a lot smoother.

For too long now, or since January anyway, bar and cafe owners have lived in constant fear of brassy Irish scrubbers rolling into their establishments at all hours of the afternoon and demanding free drinks and sandwiches to make up for all the drinks and sandwiches they ate yesterday that were full of broken glass to hear them tell of it.

This same slobber of mots have routinely stuffed dozens of tubes of Pringles into the oversized nappy bags on their robbery prams while honest Brisbane shopkeepers have been distracted by the shenanigans of their tiny feckin snot-nosed barrow-wights.

The rest is at Blunty.

6 Responses to ‘A slobber of mots’

jl ducks in to say...

Posted March 13
This gave me a great chance to polish up on past Blunties. Thanks, JB!

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Therbs asserts...

Posted March 13
Irish griftopuss pikey types skiving off Queenslanders and trying to turn toilets into potato factories?
A disturbing story no Australian can afford to miss.

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Nocturnalist would have you know...

Posted March 13
Anyone else have a certain Jane's Addiction song start up in their head when they read that second para?

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Bondiboy66 is gonna tell you...

Posted March 13
"Barrow wights' as children - very accurate!

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Leftarc mumbles...

Posted March 13
Surprised its a crime wave in the first place.
Imagine if it was a group of Sudanese youth as opposed to white women with ankle biters as accessories and accomplices.

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Brother PorkChop swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 16
Ned Kelly clearly took offense at your finely wrought article JB. I am so going to town with my mate Sinead with this. A brief story about Sinead Margerite Neville. Blonde, Irish and lots of fun. Married an Aussie and decided to become a citizen. At the ceremony in North Lakes/Caboolture, they read her name out as (phonetically) Sinnyad Magreetie Nevillay - the reason was that pretty much the rest of the new citizens were of Indian and Sri Lankan descent and thought she was as well.

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