Cheeseburger Gothic

From tweet to blog

Posted November 19, 2013 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Started yesterday morning with a quick tweet about Toned Abs selling helicopter gunships to the Taliban to stop refugees and it looked so good sitting there on my screenI decided 140 characters wasn't nearly enough.

Hence todays Blunty.

My only disappointment is the lack of a comment so far that completely misreads the irony and thinks the story is for real.

Aprés lunch, perhaps.

8 Responses to ‘From tweet to blog’

insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted November 19, 2013

how about Crusty Pete @ 7.38am?

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HAVOCK21 would have you know...

Posted November 19, 2013

um, I actually would...and have them wire tapped as well..well, bugged by DSD!......

Maybe we should have given some leopards to the INDO's and bugged them as well!

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Therbs would have you know...

Posted November 19, 2013

Hav, some bloke at Blunty is using your CAPs lOCK shTICK.

Dave W mumbles...

Posted November 19, 2013

But I do think that gARY should win the prize for mISREAD IRonY.

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Therbs swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 19, 2013

Munterers to get fired up after their lunches are nicked out of the work fridge, probably by cleaners who are illegal brown people.

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BigWillieStyle reckons...

Posted November 19, 2013

How's the pinched nerve, dear?

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted November 19, 2013

Playing hell with my Xbox time.

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Damn you, Ruddbot. Damn you all to hell

Posted November 14, 2013 into Blunty by John Birmingham

It was a slow news day, yesterday. Emphasis on the word 'day'. I did something I rarely do and emailed my editor at Brisbane Times to query a few topics for today's blog. And I did something I often do, throwing the question out to Twitter. A surprising number of people there wanted me to write about cheese. Not sure what's up with that.

In the end I went with a topic I've had on the back burner for a couple of weeks, people's reluctance to part with even a couple of dollars for a decent app. I was inspired by the surprising (or perhaps that should be unsurprising) level of whingeing I saw on Twitter when Fantastical and Tweetbot relaunched their apps for iOS 7. Complete redesigns, beautifully done. And all of these nuff nuffs squealing like stuck pigs at the terrible terrible price of it all.

Two or three bucks as I recall. I bought both of them.

Anyway, there's really not that much to say on the topic, which meant that the language I used became a lot more florid and violent. Sometimes when you got almost nothing to say, it inspires you to say is in the most colorful fashion possible.

I reread the piece before filing and was reasonably happy with it.

Next thing I know, just before heading off to bed (without my iPad) I saw that Rudd had resigned, or retired or whatever they call it when you leave your seat in Parliament a week after you got there. The thought immediately struck me that that's what I should have blogged about, but screw him. I'd already filed.

Anyway, long story short, they backed the truck load of money up to my front door this morning and so there will be another Blunty today which I will link to a bit later when it comes through subbing. I hope they sub bit. I had to smash that thing out and about twenty-five minutes.

10 Responses to ‘Damn you, Ruddbot. Damn you all to hell’

Matthew is gonna tell you...

Posted November 14, 2013

25 minutes? How long can it take to write 500 words of HA HA HA HA HA?

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DNABeast reckons...

Posted November 14, 2013

I upgraded to Tweetbot 3 but I still don't use it. 3.1 fixed most of my problems with it but I still can't tweet from a list and that's something that I do all the damn time.

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Rob is gonna tell you...

Posted November 14, 2013

thank fuck Rudd went. Prime example of everything wrong with the public service and vanity politics. I'm sure he will be ok what with being able to spend his wifes money on butlers and so forth. You have probably written enough about ole' ruddy , he doesn't need anymore of your time.

paying for apps? well I finally paid for a star wars angry burds game. I thought it would get rid of the advertising. It didn't. Just slightly less of them. I would have paid for viber but its free. I did find an album I haven't been able to get, on google music and it was cheaper than Itunes. So that was a good find.

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Quokka mumbles...

Posted November 14, 2013

Dang. I just lost a bet with Morgana, I thought for sure (she's got Clive) she'd beat me to a bi-election.

We're in Griffith & I was quite convinced KRudd had burrowed in like a tick & would not pull out till the beast was dead and done.

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Blarkon ducks in to say...

Posted November 14, 2013

Truckload of cash? A new retina iPad mini won't even cost you a Barina glovebox.

Anthony asserts...

Posted November 14, 2013

JB's actually paid in one cent coins - and the truck is a very small one...

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Therbs swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 14, 2013

Oh geez, there's gonna be the Ruddites v The Gillardistas again. Its like the Rocky series without the entertainment.

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JBtoo puts forth...

Posted November 14, 2013

I love cheese

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AllyOops has opinions thus...

Posted November 15, 2013

Your ruddbot piece is on smh mobile home page so I didn't even need the link up loaded.

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Len mumbles...

Posted November 15, 2013

I feel sorry for you - 'It was a slow news day, yesterday'. My, my, every day, there is an overflowing fountain of juicy subjects that flows from that city next to the lake, Toronto. We now call it the 'Ford Follies', and they have repeat performances several times a day.

Why, just today, Ford turned to reporters and snarled that a city councillor who accused him of wanting to eat her, er, um, private parts was lying and that he gets enough to eat at home, thank you very much! And then he turned away and left the building. And returned in the afternoon to apologize to Torontonians (with his wife at his side) about his vulgarity.

I think you need to move to Canada for a while. You'd have a ball, methinks.

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That hardly took any time at all

Posted November 12, 2013 into Blunty by John Birmingham

S'funny. I was driving Anna into school this morning, talking with her about writing. Specifically about writing opinion columns. She said her homeroom teacher had enjoyed the bit about the spy 'scandal' I did in the Herald on the weekend. I said he would probably enjoy today's Blunty about Scott Morrison then.

This led on to a discussion about satire and the unavoidable consequence of writing it – that you will be fundamentally misunderstood. I told her that it was a laydown certainty I'd get a comment at some point today complaining about the horrible bigotry of this column. It wouldn't matter that 99% of people reading it got the joke, that it was skewering, not promoting stupidity and racism. It wouldn't matter that 99% of Indonesians reading it in their second or third language would get the joke, having no trouble at all with the concept of ironic distance.

Inevitably, some well-intentioned nuff nuff would take offense. It happened so much quicker than I had imagined.

It took only seven comments.

It's no wonder the Indonesians aren't cooperating with us! After reading this venomous rubbish, the author belongs to the percentage of racists in Australia giving us a bad reputation. This article is full of stupid cricketing references and unnecessary racism, observe:

"full to pussy’s bow with little brown people."

Yes I 'get' the whole comic personality aspect, but geez, wheres the moderation?!

Commenter
for_shamed
Location
brisbane
Date and time
November 12, 2013, 8:09AM

Well played, nuff nuff. Well played.

21 Responses to ‘That hardly took any time at all’

Lulu is gonna tell you...

Posted November 12, 2013

I had to google the 'pussy's bow' reference. Apparently UrbanDictionary isn't the best definition to use.

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Dave W swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 12, 2013

I can't understand that somebody stumbled across the blog, had never heard of you, didn't read any other cooments, didn't check the back-catalogue and felt that it was okay to write that comment.

People never cease to amaze me.

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damian asserts...

Posted November 12, 2013

Stupid cricketing references and unnecessary racism... two well respected tautologies with their own deep history of rich interplay. Bravo.

By way of follow up to Greybeard, I see some fine delegates to Warsaw doing the job we ought to be doing.

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Murphy is gonna tell you...

Posted November 12, 2013

Stateside you'd be lucky if half the population got it once you explained the basics of local politics to them. Once you did explain it, fairly well half of the Americans reading it for the first time would be outraged.

Same folks who exist in Fail Fandom in American Science Fiction. They are an exasperating, exhausting lot.

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted November 12, 2013

"....satire and the unavoidable consequence of writing it – that you will be fundamentally misunderstood."

Happens all of the time. The ones who don't get the joke don't matter. It is the ones that end up agreeing with my indefensible comic positions that creep me out.

Therbs puts forth...

Posted November 12, 2013

You are sooo right Paul. Couldn't agree more.

Brother PorkChop swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 12, 2013

What?? You mean you were joking?

Surely not about Sex Slaves of the Congo? I was sooooo looking forward to getting into it.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted November 12, 2013

My buring desire to publish Sex Slaves of the Congo is the only thing I am serious about.

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Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted November 12, 2013

When I heard that Scott wasn't taking calls from the media I assumed he'd read your column, decided he couldn't put it any clear than that, and had headed off to play golf and have a few glasses of porter.

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Therbs puts forth...

Posted November 12, 2013

Gettin' some people who are right scared of brown and yellow people over there JB. Brings out the jackbooters every time.

insomniac asserts...

Posted November 12, 2013

“Ay, ay, ay! No es bueno!”

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she_jedi mumbles...

Posted November 12, 2013

What cracks me up is that the nuff nuffs always make a point of stating how they "get" that it's satire, but still take offence at it anyway. You just can't win JB.

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Therbs mumbles...

Posted November 12, 2013

I like the guy talking about the aids we give to 'Indon'. I shouldn't respond, but did. Managed to put in a shout out to Japanese whalers as well. Yep, a bit of a lull at work.

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Dino not to be confused with reckons...

Posted November 12, 2013

Yeah but JB what if it was a comment from an Indonesian?

Didja think about that!

Anthony swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 12, 2013

Not literate enough for that...

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NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 13, 2013

There is a little garden spot near my house where several of the local dads gather on a Friday night after putting their kids to bed for a beer, chat & the occasional jazz cigarette. Like a free range BYO beer garden. A nice little community thing I liked, for a while. The more mono-browed & IQ challenged started taking over, but that's ok, agreeing with me is not mandatory. It started losing its appeal when the mouthbreathers started expounding on the views they'd picked up from Messers Laws & Jones that morning. (Paul, like Limbough, but less classy.)

One evening I had a gut full and started doing the extreme line, just to point out how ridiculous they were. This may or may not have been a consequence of a sh!tty day at work and a drink or two to many, but that is not important right now.

One halfwit said "reffo boats would stop if we sank a couple, what do we have a navy for?" I countered that we should "rape their children & force their women into slavery first." He thought while I was a bit OTT, the idea had merit.

I haven't been back.

damian puts forth...

Posted November 13, 2013

Yeah this. I think it's why I end up doing less of the sort of community building stuff I keep banging on about being important.

On a related subject, should I invite the methheads in numbers 7, 21 and 33 to the community meeting about the neighbourhood watch group we're starting because of them? It seems unsettlingly like the correct answer is yes, but I think I don't have to invite them to join the steering committee.

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AllyOops asserts...

Posted November 13, 2013

Reminds me of the time at a lunch when I responded to the deterrent argument with a suggestion that if people were really serious about deterring the boats they'd shoot a few...

I still think half the table missed my point

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 13, 2013

Yes, but it was an excellent point. It would have horrified you, however, if anyone agreed.

As I mentioned above, that has happened to me. For example, in the 1980's I proposed that, as a the solution to the US illegal immigration problem from Mexico, the US should allow the Boarder Patrol to shoot at will, but to make sure that all boarder guards were severely myopic. I argued that, although the odds of them hitting anyone were extremely low, the fact that live ammunition was being fired would deter illegal immigration.

It was a satirical joke poking fun at extreme solutions being proposed. But not a very clear joke. Many of those around me agreed that it was a great idea.

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BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted November 13, 2013

Satire, eh? I like satire. My favourite recent example is the Australian electorate - most of them awake and in control of their faculties - voting in Tony Abbott as Prime Minister! Gold! Ever since Sept 7, I've been waiting for the Chaser to emerge from behind a bush laughing and slapping each other on the back for a gag well executed.

Waiting, I tell you. Any day now......

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Naut is gonna tell you...

Posted November 13, 2013

If it doesn't start "knock, knock" how is anyone supposed to know you were being funny and clever?

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When you can't decide which bog to write

Posted November 7, 2013 into Blunty by John Birmingham

You write both, and let the internet decide.

At Blunty.

6 Responses to ‘When you can't decide which bog to write’

Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted November 7, 2013

Either there is an 'L' missing in 'bog' or you forgot to add 'in' at the end of that sentence.

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John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted November 7, 2013

Meh, It's a feature not a fault.

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w from brisbane swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 7, 2013

I was having a beer in the street bar underneath the Central Railway Station in the Brisbane CBD. It is on Ann Street, probably the street that carries the most traffic thru the city. It gets a bit gridlocked at 5pm in the afternoon.

The door opens on one of the traffic becalmed cars. The business suited dad quietly exits his vehicle and gets his 3 year old daughter from the children's car seat in the back seat. He takes off her undies and helps her to part her legs in the standing position and the little darling has an obviously much needed wee wee in the middle in the street. He calmly puts the child back into her car seat and returns to the driver's position to await traffic movement.

Great moment in parenthood. Respect!

Dino not to be confused with has opinions thus...

Posted November 7, 2013
  • Bangkok eat your heart out

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Conspiracy Cat puts forth...

Posted November 7, 2013

Huh. I wanted to share an anecdote about one of the Boss's more memorable* outdoor urination adventures, but he threatened to cut off my blogging fingers. Piker.

(*I say 'memorable', but only to witnesses. On the night in question, he himself had consumed far too much alcomohol to even remember pants.)

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted November 8, 2013

Please share anyway, and just don't tell him.

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Wait. What? You mean strange men on the internet make threats?

Posted November 5, 2013 into Blunty by John Birmingham

No way!

At Blunty.

15 Responses to ‘Wait. What? You mean strange men on the internet make threats?’

Quokka has opinions thus...

Posted November 5, 2013

Waiting for the delicious moment when the Feds report 'Sir, we found female DNA on the threat' and they all shit themselves wondering whose aggrieved lady friend is about to get a lucrative movie deal with A Current Affair.

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Two Glass Taste is gonna tell you...

Posted November 5, 2013

My question is to you JB,

What were you doing in those exhalted halls of power?

You say you were there to "take notes", but I put it to you that you are the power behind the throne and are cynically manipulating this so called government to provide satire fodder for you and others of your journalistic ilk.

What say you Machiavelli ?

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Anthony swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 5, 2013

~~Pure gold JB - were you a fly on the wall in the meeting with "legitimate motorcycle groups" last week? Although I'm told the biscuits were locked away before they arrived.


After all, too much sugar would have made those Vietnam Vets MC members and the geriatric Ulyssians too agressive and they'd have needed a SWAT team to handle them. Mind you, with the BMW club members there the biscuits would have gone quickly since the (unofficial) motto of the BMW motorcycle club here in Victoria is "we ride to eat".

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insomniac puts forth...

Posted November 5, 2013

and just what is the biscuit of choice so that we too can dream the dream of becoming the Premier (Fuckwit) of Queensland?

Quokka swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 5, 2013

I think there's an entire topic thread that could be devoted to that thought, alone.

w from brisbane swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 5, 2013

The choice of biscuit depends on the circumstances.
For example, the idea that Queensland needs more casinos occurred to the Premier while he was munching on a packet of Monte Carlos.
But, when in a situation of high danger, like yesterday and that chilling internet something, the Premier always reaches for the calming reassurance of a nice box of Tiny Teddys.

damian mumbles...

Posted November 5, 2013

I think it is called the Rammed Enema

Anthony is gonna tell you...

Posted November 6, 2013

Given Newman's military background I would expect there'd be very soggy Sao biscuits in the cabinet room...

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pitpat mumbles...

Posted November 5, 2013

Tim Tam for mine. Brown, elongate and floats initially making it hard to flush once finshed sucking on it. Also difficult to polish.

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Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted November 5, 2013

I am thinking Milk Arrowroot with a flunky under instruction to decorate and sprinkle with 100s and 1000s made into $ signs.

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Quokka ducks in to say...

Posted November 5, 2013

I would think they'd need a few crates of digestives to soak up the champers after whatever they charged the public for their Melbourne Cup Luncheon & to help clear the shit off their liver after the Anonymous protests in the parklands today.

Later they'll need wagon wheels to hitch their ponies to for the Tar & Feathering of all those people in scary opera masks that need to be run out of town so Sheriff Canned Ooh can sleep easy tonight.

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ShaneAlpha asserts...

Posted November 5, 2013

I'm puzzled as to why everyone is against these laws.

When I become Dict.. I mean Premier, I assure you that these laws will only be applied to viscious gangs of criminals with a long history of evading justice.

The first two groups added to the list will be

The Liberal National Party

The Australian Labour Party

Locked up at my pleasure for a bout of "re-education."

Premier Newman, I salute you sir!

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Lulu asserts...

Posted November 6, 2013

I thought Clive ate all the biscuits?

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Quokka reckons...

Posted November 6, 2013

He ate all the furniture. Its just as well KRudd wasn't there or he'd have eaten through the floor.

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Hard rubbish pick up day

Posted October 29, 2013 into Blunty by John Birmingham

My idea of Christmas.

At Blunty.

25 Responses to ‘Hard rubbish pick up day’

JBtoo mutters...

Posted October 29, 2013

No hard rubbish collection by our stingy council. Goodies do appear on the nature strip from time to time though. Picked up a Mamasan chair (sans cushion) that is just lovely for reading in the sunshine under the pergola, now it has a new cushion sewn by Mum.

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insomniac mumbles...

Posted October 29, 2013

It's when your stuff turns up at the local 'antique' shop you know hard rubbish has value.

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BigWillieStyle puts forth...

Posted October 29, 2013

Why was Blunty posted so late today?

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted October 30, 2013

All three producers I send copy to were out for various reasons. Very frustrating.

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BigWillieStyle mumbles...

Posted October 30, 2013

Ah. Out scavenging for hard rubbish pickings, yeah?

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AllyOops mutters...

Posted October 30, 2013

I love hard rubbish hunting but there is a special pride near swagger when your offerings are quickly snaffled up. Our chests puffed up when the rusted out BBQ was home in under an hour. Yep took it straight away.

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damian would have you know...

Posted October 30, 2013

If all rubbish has some currency (cf Pratchett <i>The Truth</i>), then hard rubbish is hard currency.

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damian mumbles...

Posted October 30, 2013

BTW (minor thread hijack) people here might be interested in the image of this suit, shown at BoingBoing but I'm sure traceable to sources. Mostly on account of the wrist-mounted device...

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 30, 2013

Is there "soft" or "semi-soft" rubbish?

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted October 30, 2013

Yes, 4 categories :-
Hard
Semi-soft
Soft
Runny.

Dave W has opinions thus...

Posted October 30, 2013

Sure, but you have to nurse the semi until it becomes either hard or soft rubbish.

BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted October 30, 2013

@ PNB

No way. I think you'll find anybody depositing soft rubbish for collection out front of their house will be deported immediately. If it doesn't have the capacity to injure in some way, it ain't ready for Hard Rubbish Day. Couches with deadly, rusted springs ready to pounce at any moment. Whitegoods with corners sharp enough to take an eye out. Cupboards with drawers that come flying out, smack you in the head and render you unconscious.

Lulu puts forth...

Posted October 30, 2013

@ PNB & BWS - old mattresses could count as 'soft' rubbish. And they also meet the 'capacity to injure' requirement (springs, infestations etc).

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Anthony would have you know...

Posted October 30, 2013

What would a wine box full of Mills & Boon novels count as? Definitely rubbish but what sort - hard, soft or possibly even flaccid? A neighbour of mine once put his wife's collection of M&B out in the hard rubbish. The domestic aftermath could be heard for blocks.

insomniac reckons...

Posted October 30, 2013

Did it disappear within minutes or did it just sit there, sad and lonely, possibly/probably not even rumaged through?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted October 30, 2013

There are so many things to say about the phrase "flacid rubbish" but I am to much of a a gentleman to go there.

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Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted October 30, 2013

Flaccid? Dead set flaccid. One of my favourite words, up there with pendulous, moist, dippoldism and clithridiate.

w from brisbane mutters...

Posted October 30, 2013

Scurryfunge is another fine word.

Darth Greybeard mutters...

Posted October 30, 2013

Feculant, fetid, glabrous, scrofulous - so many beautiful words.

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted October 31, 2013

I nominate defenestration, both as a beautiful word and a solution to our current Greybeard infestation.

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Brother PorkChop mutters...

Posted October 31, 2013

Ah yes, fetid, so apt for the definition.

Scurryfunge, ye olde English word used by ye olde obsessive complusives.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted October 31, 2013

"Defunct" is the best word in the English language. It invites creativity:

"Yeah, I am defunct presently. But not long ago I was totally funct, and I expect to be refunct very soon, God willing."

damian puts forth...

Posted October 31, 2013

I've always likes "render", because it has so many possible meanings. And when used with a direct object, but a possibly accidentally ommitted indirect object or adverb, it just sounds menacing as hell.

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damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 31, 2013

Gah - "liked".

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w from brisbane has opinions thus...

Posted October 31, 2013

I like saying 'beer can'.
Because it sounds just like a Jamaican saying 'bacon'.

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