Cheeseburger Gothic

GoT S7E4 Raven On Recap: The Spoils of War

Posted August 8, 2017 into Raven On by girlclumsy



*Sob*... *gasp*... He… *sob*....went into…*indecipherable noise of suffering*... a…. CAVE. *Weeps tears enough to drown a Lannister*

Daenarys may have a good heart that Davos has spotted you staring at, my Beloved, but it’s nothing compared to mine. I have an EXCEPTIONALLY good heart, Jon, and it’s pumping Double Duty for you. Yes, that’s right, my DD-sized heart is busting right out of my chest, and frankly, I’m amazed you can ignore it bouncing there in a remarkably perky way.

We’ll get back to Jon’s inevitable-love-interest-with-Dany-storyline/shocking betrayal of our not-imaginary relationship, but my initial point stands: How am I supposed to recap THAT?

How is any recappespondent supposed to recap that ferocious scorching specter from the sky, coupled with a ground battle so intense it knocked my socks off (along with a poor horsie’s whole foot)?

The final sequence took the amazing cavalry charge choreography pioneered in Battle of the Bastards and LITERALLY SET IT ON FIRE.

Burn Drogon burn, Dothrak-inferno
Burn Drogon burn, it’s a Bronn beat down
Yeah yeah
Burn Drogon burn, crossbow Qyburn-oh!
Burn Drogon burn, now will Jaime drown?

Are your disco battle booties strapped on and ready to stomp the (k)night away? Because I may be unsure how I’m going to recap this one, but some gods damn style can only help. Let’s get cracking on another instalment of Raven On, the Game of Thrones recap series that doesn’t quite know how it flames its way into existence every week.

S7E4: The Spoils of War aka SRSL F***ING HELL YOU GUYS

The big takeaway I have from this episode is the sentiment AT WHAT COST?!?!?! We saw it in everything:

Jon can bend the knee and get Dany on his side to fight White Walkers, but at what cost to his pride and newfound place as leader of the North?

Bran can become the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future rolled into one, but at what cost to his human relationships?

Bronn can sell his loyalty to the highest bidder, but what use is gold in the midst and heat of the battle?

Dany can deploy her nuclear weapons, but at what cost to her chances of a safe and prosperous future rule?

And Podrick can receive the best possible fight training from Brienne, but at what cost to his reputation as the King’s Landing Casanova? The Westerosi Don Juan? The Errol Flynn of Fleabottom?

OK, that last one is less critical analysis and more American-style rooting for Pod to get some Australian-style rooting, but you get the gist of it.

My secondary observation about this episode is that in a series that prides itself on MEANINGFUL LOOKS, this episode really outdid itself. There were MEANINGFUL LOOKS all over the place. People couldn’t take their SERIOUS EYES off each other. If you’re a drinking type, take a sip every time we notch up a MEANINGFUL LOOK and get ready to have your stomach pumped.

Sexy times ahead.

It’s getting harder and harder to separate out the sections of this recap into distinct areas as the storylines are blending harder than Kim Kardashian’s contour. So forgive me if we bounce around like a dragon in turbulence.

It all starts innocently enough, with the victorious Lannister army marching out of Highgarden bogged down with loot. Commander Jaime stops the Fort Knox gold depository wagon in order to raid it for monies to pay Bronn, the most dedicated of sellswords. Ever perceptive, Bronn probes Jaime’s apparent bad mood, getting close by suggesting the Queen of Thorns gave him one last prick before dying. Jaime’s not keen to let on that said prick was his eldest son, who it turns out Olenna, not Tyrion, bumped off.

Bronn rather fancies himself the new Lord of Highgarden. He’s been easing up on smashed avo breakfasts and reckons he could take on the mortgage. But as much as Jaime enjoys some negative gearing with Cersei, he advises Bronn against property ownership at this point in the war. “Daenarys Targaryen could come and take it all away before you even moved in,” he suggests. I didn’t even SEE the GIANT CLOUD OF FOREBODING, because I am a SWEET SUMMER CHILD.

Back in King’s Landing, Cersei has really given the Iron Bank a golden handshake, repaying their debt in one foul swoop. Mark Gatiss is very impressed with Cersei, who has swapped her swooshy black taffeta dress from last episode to something that can only be described as “Crocodile Goth”.

Rather than celebrate with a rousing rendition of “This Corrosion”, Cersei insteads reels the massive banker into a plot to expand its investments in Westeros. She shows him her GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP and mentions something about Qyburn making contact with the Golden Company in Essos, who from memory are sellswords like the Second Sons (Maario Noharis’s group. I wonder how Maario is? I can only hope naked and slightly soapy). Her credentials are good, and the Iron Bank, like the scummiest of all deal-makers, is set to move on her like a bitch.

So much winning. Bigly.

I tell you, bloody banks, moving in on everything. Honestly, forget your Valyrian steel and dragon glass, just send Mark Gatiss and his brown-robed homies up North. They’ll soon wither away the spirits of the White Walkers by yelling at them things like “Have you considered life insurance? You wouldn’t want to leave your wights to fend for themselves should anything happen to you!” and “Did you know the average terrifying zombie creature from beyond your nightmares doesn’t have enough superannuation to retire on?”

Let’s belt up the King’s Road to Winterfell for ANOTHER STARK FAMILY REUNION!

To be honest, they’ve lost a bit of their sheen since Jon and Sansa embraced at Castle Black last season. That was joyous, wonderous, and also had Jon Snow in it. Bran’s return last week was somewhat undermined by his new existentialist angst emo personality change, while Arya had two bozo guards try to stand in her way from getting into the castle.

What was up with that sequence? I get that it showed things have changed at Winterfell, and dropped the exposition bomb that Jon is away and Sansa is in charge. But of course Arya would give them the slip, of course the bumbling guards would go bumbling to Sansa to explain how they bumbled up. They weren’t menacing enough to be a real threat to Arya, but they weren’t funny enough to be comic relief. I kinda wished she’d just gutted them there and then.

While my heart yearned for a big, public hug-a-thon in the courtyard, I was still satisfied by the low-key Arya/Sansa crypt convergence. It fit well with their history of sisterly animosity, last seen played out in King’s Landing waaaay back in Season 1. You might remember the pair’s father, Ned, tried in vain to make his daughters get along. You might also remember that the two girls were the last Starks to see Ned alive. So their reunion in front of his statue was a spiritual nod to their lost Dad. They found their way back to each other, and after all that’s happened, it turns out he did his job of raising them pretty darn well.

"Don't worry, you're not on my list. Yet."

Arya bemoans the statue’s lack of resemblance to Ned, which Sansa attributes to everyone who knew it being now inconveniently dead. “We’re not,” Arya flatly states. And it’s true... just. Both are now in the up phase of the Game of Thrones Wheel of Fortune, but both have unhappy stories about how they came to be there. There was a cost to their survival.

It was touching to see these two touching - not one hug, but two, in that sequence. However the most adorable moment was seeing Arya’s face when Sansa told her how happy Jon would be to see her. Now that reunion is going to be grand.

Bran, meanwhile, is busy winning a staring competition against Littlefinger in his brand new wheelchair. Baelish has gifted him the infamous Catspaw dagger, which was last used in an attempt on Bran’s own life. Where the f*** do you come up with these ideas, Baelish? For crying out loud, would you present Jackie Kennedy with Lee Harvey Oswald’s gun “for protection”? Have you no f***ing clue? No, of course you don’t, you irredeemable colonic irrigation.

Bran doesn’t need his spooky powers to know Littlefinger is a bullshitting pile of shitty shit, but he throws them down regardless. The moment in which Baelish is parroting on about how hard it must have been for Bran, ripped from his home, forced into the wilds, seeing things nobody else sees, then coming back to such chaos…

“Chaos is a ladder,” Bran declares in the deadest of pans.


This is of course the famous idiom by which Baelish lives his life, and seeing his reaction made the famous Australian idiom “You’re f***ed, sunshine” pop into my head - just in time for Meera Reed to pop in to say her farewells.

In an episode full of drama, this may have been one of the most tragic scenes of all, its domesticity undermining its gravity.

Meera is leaving - not because she wants to leave Bran, but because she wants to protect her family - and all Bran can say is “OK bye then”.

SRSLY, dude? Her brother and Hodor died to protect you, she nearly died, and all you can muster is an insincere “Kthxbai”? If you’re a philosopher, bro, you’re Soren Jerkegaard.

At that moment, Meera was all of us in high school, hanging around some floppy-haired boy at big lunch, helping him with his history homework because you’re a curly-haired nerd trying to impress him, but he’s too busy making googly eyes at your frenemy….

Um, sorry. I found out my high school reunion is next month and it’s brought up some memories. On an unrelated note if anyone knows how to lose 20 kilos and publish five award-winning novels, that’d be great, because my Facebook profile may not be entirely accurate.

“You died in that cave,” Meera tells Bran, making her peace with the idea that the boy she helped has become a man she doesn’t know. Bran has nothing to say to that, because Bran doesn’t get caught up in petty human emotions anymore.

So you walk out that door Meera Reed, and you never come back, until you inevitably do because your Dad will probably need to back in Bran’s whole “Jon Snow Origin Story” and you will get zero credit for helping him with that French Revolution assignment, I mean, getting him back to Winterfell.

Bran has slightly more luck impressing Arya. “Bran has visions now,” Sansa explains in the kind of voice you reserve for telling your friends your partner has quit their corporate job to become a psychic.

But Bran does more than just horoscopes - he knows Arya has a List of People To Kill. Sansa had thought she was joking, and they’d laughed about it in an awkward “Yeah, funny joke” kinda way. But Bran’s not laughing, probably because Bran will never laugh again, because he knows all the punchlines before you can even utter a set up.

Being a Three-Eyed Raven, and a cripple, Bran has no use for Catspaw, and instead bestows it on Arya, who after all had to chase cats to become quick on her feet. Clearly we all hope she will gut Littlefinger with it, but it’s interesting to wonder who Bran thinks/knows she will use it on.

Brienne watches the reunited Stark siblings with a mixture of pride and fear. Pod tells her she should be proud of keeping her vow to the daughters, but Brienne doesn’t feel like she did anything.

"I hope Pod doesn't spoil this moment by speaking."

That’s totally not true, of course, but Brienne is the kind of gal who beats herself up, and given her strength, she can give herself quite a bruising. There’s a lovely moment when she stops short of telling off Pod for calling her a lady, and simply says “Thank you”. Damn right, Brienne. You are the lady-est of ladies.

The fight scene between Brienne and Arya was pretty spectacular. Size and strength in Brienne, speed and nimbleness in Arya. Syrio Forel would be proud of his young charge, as she water danced around the Tarth warrior with ease. It ended in a beautiful draw, with both holding blades at the others neck.

Brienne is me. Arya is my foster kittens refusing to get off the damn kitchen bench.

The real battle though may be in Sansa’s mind - she seemed awfully concerned watching Arya fight. Is she simply worried about her impetuous sister’s safety? Or does she think Arya's presence could destablise what she's working for at Winterfell?

I’m inclined to give Sansa the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s plain to see that neither Arya nor Bran are interested in governing. But then there’s always Littlefinger, hovering around, that red wine stain you just can’t bicarb away.

Let’s head over to Dragonstone, where Missandei is missing Grey Worm and the “many things” they did together. Missandei’s not above a meaningful glance at Dany when Jon calls her to inspect the mighty dragon glass store tucked away in one of Dragonstone’s many crevices (oh gods). Naturally Dany follows Jon to inspect this crevice (OH GODS).

I don’t know about you but Jon Snow in reflected firelight might be even sexier than Jon Snow in the actual snow. The way the warm glow and shadows simmered on his noble brow… well, let’s just say I’ve bought a beginner’s course in spelunking and a lot of kerosene.

Anyways, it’s all very stirring, especially when Dany slinks up to Jon (what) and says she’ll fight for the North… if he bends the knee. Jon’s not keen, citing his people’s reluctance to be ruled from the South. But Dany points out that they would follow their King, and perhaps it’s Jon’s pride that is standing in the way. As we all know, my Beloved has always been pure of heart, and never wanted glory for himself. But Dany does have a certain way with words. It’s true Jon has used his newfound power to act quickly in defence of his people. But is he liking it a bit too much?

He shows Dany the cache of obsidian, then reveals something even more special - ancient Children of the Forest graffiti. These OG Banksys (Banksies?) left clues as to how and why to use the dragonglass, as well as the revelation that they fought the White Walkers alongside the First Men. Jon uses it to insist that he and Dany work together, clearly not in possession of the small fact that the Children of the Forest apparently created the White Walkers to BEAT the First Men. Whoops.

I’ve got to be honest with you, Beloveds. I’m not sure how I feel about the physics formula known as The JDBP (The Jon/Dany Boning Potential).

I mean sure, anything that gets Jon Snow looking broody and conflicted is good in my book.

We will brood at them on the beaches. We will brood at them in the caves.

But did there have to be sexual tension? Between relatives? And in a cave? FFS, this is the Jon Snow danger zone. I can’t be having them in that cave together too often, or tongues will wag. And that’s exactly what I’m worried about.

Some more unwanted talk comes from Tyrion and Varys, who have finally had news of How The Big Plan Went. There’s a fantastic glance between the pair after they tell Dany the Unsullied took Casterly Rock… but lost Highgarden in the process.


Dany is suitably miffed, and flashes real anger at Tyrion when he talks about their enemies. “Your family, you mean,” she spits at him, a wound just as sharp as any knife could deliver. Then she asks Jon why she shouldn’t just jump on her babies’ backs and fly them into battle.

Jon, being amazing, says her whole schtick has been built on showing people a glimpse of a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. If she deploys her dragons, well, that’s not unbelievable sights and indescribable feelings. That’s just the same old shit.

People say my Beloved knows nothing, but come on, that was pretty smart.

Jon continues his knowledge quest with Ser Davos, as they question Missandei about just why exactly she and thousands like her are committed to Daenarys’ cause. “She is the Queen we chose,” Missandei replies. Sure, but you’re kind of her slave now, aren’t you? Davos asks. “Nuh-uh,” says Missandei, “I can go anytime I want to. Even though I’m her most trusted adviser. She’d let me go tomorrow. She totally would. It’d be fine. But I don’t want to go, and that’s the important thing here.”

This somewhat weak defence is interrupted by Theon Greyjoy, returning from the failed mission to lay siege to King’s Landing. Jon is in fine brooding form as he stares down the coward who caused Robb Stark’s death.

It's Auld Reeky!

Theon, for his part, admits to personal failings, then attempts to mask his terror with some awkward small talk about Sansa.

I was waiting for a punch to the face, but instead, Jon merely grabs Theon by the neck, similar to his move on Littlefinger two episodes ago, and says the only reason he’s not dead is because of how he helped Sansa.

But Theon’s hope to get Dany’s help in rescuing Yara is misplaced. For, as Jon intones gravely, “The Queen has gone”. UH-OH.

It’s all quiet in The Reach, which seems to resemble a sort of verdant Monument Valley, as the Lannisters and Tarlys finalise the logistics of moving the gold and grain safely into King’s Landing.

Jaime even attempts some bro talk with the younger Tarly about how he’s dealing with his first battle, and the whole “we broke faith with House Tyrell” thing. Dickon (snort) is putting on a brave face for a big lad, and in a strange way, I see the resemblance to his brother Samwell. He perhaps didn’t inherit total steely discipline from his father after all.

Ever perceptive, it’s Bronn who first notices something has come over the valley. There’s a trembling in the ground, and a literal dark cloud hovering over a nearby ridge. Jaime immediately calls his men to form up, anticipating an attack.

The tension grew, until finally the Dothraki appeared, fierce, multitudinous and ready to get stuck in.

Imagine yourself as a Lannister foot soldier, seeing the approaching Dothraki horde for the first time. You’ve never seen arakhs before, you’ve never heard such wild battle cries. And you sure as heck haven’t seen riders stand atop their horses to launch themselves into the fray. As Bronn had so recently said “Men shit themselves when they die.” I imagine there was a fair bit of that going on at that point before any blood had been spilled.

In the confusion, Bronn urged Jaime to get out and save himself, but the Kingslayer stood firm. His army could handle the Dothraki.

And that’s when the GIANT FLYING BURNING LIZARD appeared.


“Be a dragon” were Olenna Tyrell’s last words of advice to Daenarys, and here she has listened. So I guess, you know nothing, Jon Snow?

Dany rode Drogon into battle fiercely, burning the Lannister lines before her. Even Jaime’s attempt to set his archers onto Drogon’s body came to nought - Dany hit the brakes like she’d been doing circle work in an abandoned car park her whole life, and the arrows simply bounced away.

But. BUT. Jaime urged Bronn to go get Qyburn’s Really Crossbow, the deadly gigantor weapon that could feasibly bring down a dragon. Apparently they called it “Scorpion” which “sting in the tail”, I get it, but wow, a little predictable?

Bronn smashed, slashed and skipped his way to the Scorpion’s wagon, losing both his horse and his precious gold in the process. What does it say of Bronn that he kept fighting after losing his cash? I suggest it’s less “Jaime’s my friend” and more “I like a fight and I like to live”, but maybe I’m wrong.

This was such a brutal but morally ambiguous battle. I cannot describe every hack and slash, but I can attempt to describe my feelings of watching it. Of course, that was mostly gasps, screams and exclamations of NO! And DON’T! And NOT THE CROSSBOW! But there was also deep internal conflict.

Ultimately I wanted Dany to win, to score a victory after successive defeats at the hands of the Lannisters. But I did not want to see Jaime or Bronn killed, even though both came close (and were saved, funnily enough, by Dickon). Jaime has many crimes to answer for, but as I said in a recap many years ago after losing his hand changed him…. I’ve grown accustomed to his face.

Finally, after a test shot to dispatch a Dothraki chief, Bronn wheeled the Scorpion around and took aim at a diving Drogon. PFFFT, the arrow loosed, and fired straight into Drogon’s right shoulder.

"I love the smell of dragon breath in the morning."

Bronn’s satisfaction in his aim was delightful. Dany’s confusion was palpable. She’d never experienced the wracking movements of a dragon falling out of the sky.

Over yonder Tyrion and a small Dothraki rear guard watched their Queen plummet to the ground before Drogon managed to right himself enough to land. Dany dismounted, and attempted to manually pull the spear from her beloved baby’s body.

The tableau at this point was like a Renaissance painting. Fields of fire and ash. Burning men. By the side of a lake, Dany pulling desperately at the spear in Drogon’s body. Tyrion watching from too far away to help. And Jaime Lannister, still astride his white horse, rage building.

“You idiot,” Tyrion grunted, guessing what his brother was about to do before he did it.

Jaime grabbed a lance and kicked his mount into full gallop, racing towards Dany and Drogon.

“You f***ing idiot,” Tyrion grunted again, unable to do anything but bear witness to the impending death of his Queen.

Dany turned to see Death on horseback coming to claim her. She stared at Jaime, not scared, but certainly not defiant, before Drogon’s head rounded in front of her and his mouth opened.

Jaime screamed as the tables turned and he now rushed headlong into Death’s smoking gauntlet.

And then somebody - Bronn? - jumped up, knocked him off his horse, and sent them both tumbling into the lake.

Over and over and over and over again.

And there was Jaime, still, descending, slowly, deeper, deeper, falling, into space, into the depths, into the womb, into nothing.

I think you’ll agree this should have been the song that rolled over the credits:

Hello darkness my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because with my sister I am sleeping
Honestly there are some doubts creeping
And the thunder, from the dragon, in my brain
Still remains
It was the sound of violence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Three children gone as per the crone
Wide awake it was Highgarden
We granted traitor Tyrells no pardon
Randyll Tarly led the charge with his son Rickon
Wait, it’s Dickon
That is the sound of nonsense

And in the naked light I saw
Troops marching home with spoils of war
Bronn demanding his big money
Wants the castle too he’s so funny
But there’s something wrong as tremors fill the air
What would dare
Disturb the sound of silence

“Shit” said I, “It’s Dothraki”
Their army finally crossed the sea
See them brandishing their big arakhs
Stand on horses to launch their attacks
We all floundered, as the dragon soared above

In my golden hand I found… my lance.

I belted down the field of fire
Kill the girl my one desire
I got close enough to get stabby
The dragon roared his head he’s real crabby
The end of the line was close but then snatched away
Not today
We still live with the sound of tyrants.

Yay! Best Moments

Oh, I don’t know, maybe the bit with the massive f***ing dragon battle?

Zing! Best Lines

Ser Davos keeping the Stannis Baratheon Grammar Olympic Dream alive.

Jon: I saw the Night King, Davos. I looked into his eyes. How many men in the north do we have to fight him? Ten thousand? Less?
Davos: Fewer.
Jon: What?

It also tickled me when Missandei explained the concept of a “bastard” as unfamiliar to her, and Davos said “Well that sounds… liberating.”

And clearly Bronn laughing at “Dickon” was all of us. “Dickon”. Honestly.

Ew, gross

BRONN’S HORSIE HAD ITS LEG DECAPITATED. OK, not decapitated… dehoofitated? Sure, hundreds of men were being brutally slaughtered all around with blood and guts and gore BUT FOR GODS’ SAKE DON’T HURT THE HORSIE.

Also Bronn shooting that Dothraki chief with the Really Crossbow was horrific, but in a very awesome way.

Boo, sucks

What, no gutter innuendo in your endo from Euron MacGregor this week?


Clearly this episode popped the pimple of pressure that had been building up so far this season, if not for many seasons. We finally saw an EPIC Targaryen/Lannister fight, Jaime and Dany saw each other for the first time, and we endured the horrible experience of a battle in which we weren’t quite sure whom to cheer.

Is Jaime actually dead? Will Tyrion rescue him and take him captive? Can the brothers unite against Cersei, or has her infection spread too far in Jaime?

Was it Bronn who knocked Jaime off the horse, or Dickon, or someone else entirely? Will Bronn be safe? Bronn has to be safe. Bronn is the cheeky, selfish id in all of us. We'd be lost without him.

Will Dany be changed by this encounter? Could this signal the start of a descent into “Mad King” territory? She did just burn them all - but perhaps it was a necessary step in her character's growth. Perhaps she was just walking the talk.

But what of the repercussions of this battle? The Iron Bank's gold appears safe, but what of the crops? Could this cause deprivation in King's Landing and the Crownlands, enough to spark revolt against Cersei?

And what of my Beloved Jon Snow, hacking out dragonglass to prepare for the real calamity from beyond The Wall? With proof of Dany’s superior dragon skills, will he be tempted to bend the knee?

Thank you for your patience, Beloveds - this was the biggest recap so far this season, and it’s been a slog. Of course, a special thank you to my Patreon subscribers, including Trent SJ, Katie D, Emma W, Natasha Le N, and the mysterious Lyds. Also a shout out to the marvellous Steph M for helping me with GIFs! Yes, I finally feel like a proper internet person. I hope you enjoyed the recap, and let us now begin the discussion!

MoK. xoxo

7 Responses to ‘GoT S7E4 Raven On Recap: The Spoils of War’

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 8, 2017
Amazing recap for an amazing episode. And the moment that Bronn heard the rumble of hoofbeats, as they rode across what looked very much like a prairie it was so much a western that I started to hear in my head Elmer Berstiens theme to 'the Magnificent Seven' Dada, DADA DA DA!

Respond to this comment

Bondiboy66 is gonna tell you...

Posted August 8, 2017
So much to like in this episode! And you just knew that the Lannisters were in strife when the Dothraki showed up....and thne it was confirmed that they were Royally Rooted when the dragon arrived.

Dany is a bit too obsessed with Knee Bending though...Perhaps Ser Davos the Verbose could teach her the word 'alliance' as a possible alternative to 'absolute monarchy'?

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted August 8, 2017
Look, if I was confronted with Jon Snow in a cave, I'd want him to bend the knee too.

Respond to this thread

she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 8, 2017
I spent that battle with my hands over my mouth, only moving them long enough to shout "Not Bronn!" and then "Not Jamie!" and then "NOT DROGON OMG FFS BRONN!!"

What I'm curious about after this ep is that Dany and her Scooby Gang now know about the Really Crossbow(tm) and Drogon in particular knows how to destroy them (he flambed it then Hulk Smashed it with his tail, he was SUPER pissed), and therefore is it now going to be the battle winning super weapon that Cersei and Q are selling it to the nobility as? Particularly after this rout? If I was Drogon, and there's evidence that the dragons are sentient, I'd be telling my brothers to keep an eye out for anything with a big fck-off pointy thing sticking out of it and roasting it post haste.

Davos is the winner of best lines this time, particularly the shout out to the Grammar Olympics with "fewer". I spent yesterday explaining the difference between 'affect' and 'effect' to anyone who would listen after correcting the misuse of 'effect' in an IT outage notification (no kids, these systems will be AFFECTED, not EFFECTED), so it warmed my heart that grammar is still a thing to be championed in the Seven Kingdoms even with Stannis gone.

One question that came up in GoT discussions at work this morning is, did Jon bend the knee before Dany took her armies to Monument Valley? I think not, I suspect that's a showdown for a later episode, but it's a curiosity.

Fantastic recap as always MoK, my heart went out to you trying to recap this one coherently. I would not have blamed you if the first 500 words were just repeats of "OMG" with the occasional "YOU GUYS!" tossed in. Well done on exceeding our expectations as always.

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted August 8, 2017
The first 500 words were pretty much OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS but then I had to reign it in somewhat and think about the respect I am held in as a serious writer.


Anyway, very many good points you raise here. I think the Really Crossbows will be a danger for flying dragons - they have to get close enough to scorch/break them. So they're still an item in play.

And no, I don't think Jon bent the knee before Dany left. I assume he stayed behind to mine dragon glass and think about his future. In a cave. Oh gods.

Respond to this thread

Darth Greybeard has opinions thus...

Posted August 8, 2017
Yeah. That recap was a 9, maybe 10 ROFLer. And thanks to George RR Martin's defective work ethic, we can't even peek ahead at the books to see what happens.

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted August 8, 2017
No peeking at all! But who knows if this is even how it will play out in his books? From my understanding, there are HEAPS more subplots and characters. We could have people still alive who he kills off, and vice versa.

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'GoT S7E4 Raven On Recap: The Spoils of War'

GoT S7 E3 Raven On Recap: The Queen's Justice

Posted August 1, 2017 into Raven On by girlclumsy

Oh Gods, oh gods, oh gods, Olenna.

If you’ve got to go, what a way to do it.

Cersei may have gotten particularly close with Jaime this episode, but you used your final moments to deliver the most devastating of all blows.

Brava, brava, life will not be the same without you.


My heart is still pounding. This episode was full of inexorable goodness (often in the form of inexorable badness) and if anybody tries to pull any BS line that “meh, nothing happened” then I give you full permission to SASS THEM LIKE SANSA. And we’ll get to her Sassness in due course.

As Hamlet, mad north-north-west, might say – it was words, words, words. I drowned in all those delicious wordy words. At the end of all that verbal outpouring Cersei is up, Dany is down, Jorah is less scabby, Bran is kinda freaky, and even Bronn turns up.

So, my Beloved Throners, get cosy, get sexy, grab a Pepsi Max or your delicious caffeinated beverage of choice, and let’s devour this thinky, meaty, juicy, doughy, tender, fleshy… sorry, what were we talking about again?

Season 7, Episode 3: “The Queen’s Justice” or “I Totally Didn’t Realise Which Queen That Would Refer To”

I don’t know about you, Beloveds, but like 1995 dance wonders Alex Party, this episode just wrapped me up, in your love, your love takes me higher. And you bet I want to need your sweet, sweet touch, to keep this thing alive, ooh ooh.

It was an hour-long embrace of diplomacy, negotiation, statecraft, intrigue, bravado, tactics, counter-tactics, disaster, triumph and suspiciously pink lipstick.

If last week saw our favourites and not-so-favourites make choices, this week saw some of the consequences of those decisions. It was a case study in power dynamics too - how can you exert power over somebody who doesn’t recognise your power? And in the face of losing your power, how do you take it back?

It’s going to be hard to chose Best Moments or Best Lines this week because the entire sequence of events on Dragonstone was one glorious combination of longed-for interaction liberally peppered with dialogue equal parts sparkling and cutting.

A superb tracking shot of the beachside boat arrival. Jon and Ser Davos being greeted by Tyrion, Missandei and a hefty new Dothraki chief. Banter about bastards and dwarves and battle scars. The Northmen’s boat and weapons being taken away. Ser Davos making small talk with Missandei about her homeland. Tyrion saying Sansa is smarter than she lets on, and Jon replying “She’s beginning to let on”. Jon and Davos hitting the deck when the dragons did a fly-by, and Tyrion’s retort that “you never really get used to them”. Kate Bush standing on some very wuthering heights telling Varys she was heading back to Volantis, but would return because - cue foreboding music - they both have to die in this strange land of Westeros.

Missandei’s introduction of Queen Daenarys Stormborn with all associated titles was gloriously answered with the Onion Knight’s succinct “This is Jon Snow. He’s King in the North.” At once we knew that neither Dany nor Jon were going to just roll over and do what they were told, and all of Pavlov’s dogs could not rival the amount of saliva I produced in those moments.

Jon, ever mindful of the big, big picture, isn’t that keen to “bend the knee” as much as I know he’d enjoy it if he just relaxed and maybe had a hot bubble bath with me. Dany quite rightly has gotten through her often miserable existence (her speech about her life experiences was brilliantly delivered) by keeping hard faith in her identity as the last Targaryen and Queen of Westeros. She places importance on removing Darth Cersei from the Iron Throne, and she gets rightly upset by Jon’s seeming dismissal of it as “childish”.

It’s Tyrion and Davos who do all the proper diplomacy here; they are voices of realpolitik amidst the Ice and Fire steaming up the throne room. Even Davos gets a bit carried away talking about Jon’s sacrifices, and Jon has to give him a Look that says “Ix-nay on the esurrection-ray.”

Things come to a head when Jon says he will not forsake the trust of his Northmen by pledging allegiance to Dany’s cause; and Dany returns fire by accusing him of being in open rebellion.

The Many-Faced Jon.

Varys thankfully breaks the tension by running - yes, we actually saw that, Varys, the Spider, running - into the throne room with some late breaking news. Jon and Davos are hurried away (“Am I your prisoner?” “Not yet” is my new “I love you” “I know”), and Varys breaks the news of Euron Greyjoy’s decimation of Yara Greyjoy’s fleet.

It is not the start to her war of conquest that Dany wanted. Just moments before, Jon had said the fact she wasn’t using her dragons to take King’s Landing in order to spare the lives of thousands of innocent people meant that at the very least she was better than Cersei.

And he was right. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Cersei has no such compunctious visitings of nature; she’ll chart whatever course she needs for brutal victory. The Two Queens have very different definitions of "The Queen's Justice", and for Dany, the chickens have come home to roost.

Speaking of cocks, Euron Greyjoy has a right stiff one as he parades through Fleabottom dragging Yara Greyjoy behind his horse, with Ellaria Sand and her surviving daughter Tyene in tow.

He even stays on his stallion right up to the foot of the Iron Throne, harking back to Tywin Lannister’s entry after the Battle of the Blackwater. He presents his “gift” of Ellaria and Tyene, and again claims Cersei’s hand as his prize. Bitch is clever about her answer - “When the war is won.” That is a nice get-out-of-jail free card, Cersei, props to you.

Meanwhile, it’s been bugging me since he first appeared but I’ve FINALLY cracked the mystery of who Euron Greyjoy reminds me of. I’m sorry to strand a preposition but I’m just excited to share my new nickname for the Bad Beast of the Narrow Sea:

Yes, it’s the fiery Scotsman known for playing strong and strange (stronge?) characters with indeterminable accents (Obi-Wan Kenobi? What the hell was that, anyway?) He’s grittier, grimier and grabbier, certainly, but the resemblance is sound.

Undaunted by Cersei’s clear lack of interest in his proffered ring, Euron turns instead to Jaime and asks for tips on whether a proffered ring might be a sex position she enjoys. Jaime warns Euron about the fickle nature of crowd adoration, but the pirate don’t care. He’s getting off on the power and the glory holes.

“Did he just say ….?!?!” was my reaction to Euron MacGregor’s suggestion that Cersei and Jaime might enjoy in flagrante de-recto. I’m surprised he didn’t follow up with a description of where he’d like to put two other fingers. That really would be a Shocker.

Speaking of “the pink”, that’s exactly what Cersei’s lips were when she confronted Ellaria Sand in a Black Cell (“the stink”?) over the murder of Myrcella Water.

“Funny,” I thought while watching. “Looks like Cersei’s been down to Sephora and picked herself up a fresh glossy fuschia number. Must be Tarte.”

(If you’re not into cosmetics, that was a very funny brand joke, but I swear I don’t spend large swathes of time watching YouTube tutorials on how to make myself less hideous.)

Cersei’s revenge on the woman who murdered her daughter was calculated and perfectly executed. She enjoyed it too, taking her time to remind Ellaria of Oberyn’s death, to highlight just how well The Mountain was doing given the Red Viper had all but killed him during their duel, and goodness, isn’t Tyene a perfect Dornish beauty? How proud she must be… as a mother. She even referenced how powerful Ellaria must have felt in killing Myrcella, pouring salt into the wounds of a woman now bound in chains forever.

Finally, that Chekhov’s lipstick was deployed, revisiting Ellaria’s own crime against her. In between the evil, there was genuine anguish on Cersei’s part - Tyrion always said her one redeeming feature was how she loved her children, and the line “I didn’t have a mother, but Myrcella did” made me almost feel sorrow for Cersei.

Of course she followed it up with a very rigorous and take-charge sexcounter with Jaime, so the fact that killing is kind of getting her hot now is really quite a turn-off. Not for Jaime though, as he doesn’t put up much of a resistance, and doesn’t even seem to mind that much that Cersei is openly bragging to servants (“Yeah, we’re gonna need some new sheets in here. WOW did we WRECK that 500 count Egyptian cotton”).

The ramping up of Cersei’s masculine side (the hair, the clothes - now even icier - and the attitude) seems confirmed when she takes a meeting with Mycroft Holmes, aka, head of the Iron Bank of Braavos.

“Your father’s daughter, indeed,” is his summary after she teases out the real reasons why the bank wants its money back. As she points out, the Lannisters always pay their debts, but dragons do not…. and with a profitable investment in slavery gone sour, is the Iron Bank really willing to risk more on the Dragon Queen? She is, after all, a Marxist revolutionary, not an aggressive capitalist like Cersei. She’s going to make the trains run on time, damnit.

This was honestly the best Photoshop I could do. Somebody with skills, please help me.

Give me two weeks, Cersei says, and I’ll give you your money. She’s confident, that’s for sure. And hell, things are definitely looking up for Cersei. And yet, and yet… I cannot help but think that her power is that ‘shadow on the wall’ Varys once described. An illusion. Watch your back, Mycroft Holmes.

At this point, Cersei and Dany may be rival Queens of Westeros, but can I get a HOLLER for Sassy Sansa, Queen of the F**king Universe?

She is in charge and in form as the Protector of Winterfell in Jon’s absence: getting food supply logistics for the Long Night sorted and demanding to know why breastplates aren’t being leather-clad to ward off cold.

Sansa is ALL OVER this governing shit, and we know it, and we love it, particularly when she gives Littlefinger another dose of Grade A Sansa Sass:

Baelish: I know Cersei better than anyone here...if you turn your back on her….
Sansa: You don’t know Cersei better than anyone here.
Baelish: I only meant to say...
Sansa: ...that the woman who murdered my mother, father and brother is dangerous? Thank you for your wise counsel.


But the seeping genital wart can’t let it rest, and carries on with his typical wicked whispering, telling her not to fight in real locations but in her mind, and to expect every outcome - including the worst outcomes - from everybody, to avoid surprise. Thing is, it’s NOT the worst advice he’s ever given (That was “Oh hey you’ll be fine here with Ramsay”) but because it’s Littlefinger I cannot even STAND it. Sansa, you know your own mind. Don’t let that stupid little goatee wear you down.

Baelish’s whispering is interrupted by news that SOMEONE is at the gates. Of course, we were all expecting Arya, but it turns out to be Bran, lugged all the way no doubt by poor Meera Reed, who really is the unheralded hero of this piece. But don’t worry, gorgeous girl, I’ve got you covered…with some early 90s Aussie soft pop rock a la Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2:

Heyyyyy Meera
Ooooohhhhhh Meera
I said heyyyyy Meera
Oooooohhhhh Meera

Tell you Meera what I want to do
Make the Starks all bow to you
Bran was lame, he couldn’t climb
You hauled his ass that whole damn time
You brother popped his clogs but still
You helped Bran in that northern chill
White Walkers blew it all aside
It’s not your fault that Hodor died

Heyyyy Meera (woo-ooh)
Oooohhhhh Meera
I said Heyyyyyy Meera (woo-ooh)
Ooohhhhh Meera

Bran though is chill AF. He’s more Zen than Richard Gere getting a Stilnox massage in a Tibetan monastery.

“Hello Sansa,” he intones, like he’s just been out to the shops for some milk, and not on a wild crazy ride of death and internal sight-seeing. Sansa sensibly bursts into tears and throws herself on her baby bro, her hardass exterior overcome with familial devotion and relief.

Later, in the Godswood, the siblings catch up on all the years they’ve missed together, the events of which Bran seems to be a little bit too familiar with. “I’m sorry all that happened to you on your wedding day, in your nice dress, lookin’ so pretty and all,” he says somewhat stonily. Like, I know you’re an otherworldly supernatural being, dude, but maybe a bit less matter-of-fact?

Sansa says he’s the Lord of Winterfell now, but Bran isn’t interested in lording. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven, according to the Three-Eyed Raven, who trained him to be the Three-Eyed Raven, once he himself moved on, to become another Three-Eyed Raven, back in the past, which is presently the future, and so now can only be the Three-Eyed Raven.

“Huh?” is Sansa’s sensible reply, but her bro just Bransplains it away, saying “It’s too difficult, you wouldn’t understand, I’m an Operating Thetan 458 now, my E-Meter readings are off the charts, I gotta go audit this weirwood.”

"You see that plastic bag, floating in the breeze?
Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?"

Freaked out, Sansa makes her excuses and leaves. What happened to her little baby bro? Why is it so difficult to explain what a “Three-Eyed Raven” does? And wow, did puberty really kick in with the lower voice, or what?

My favourite line in that scene was Bran’s sombre response to Sansa saying “I wish Jon were here”. Bran agrees, saying “I need to talk to him” in a tone so ominous there may as well have been a crack of thunder and a “dum-dum dahhhhhh!” Jon’s been over in Dragonstone bagging out House Targaryen and it’s going to be awkies when he comes home to a prodigal brother with An Inconvenient Truth Bomb.

Over in Oldtown, Ser Jorah Scabmont has made a remarkable recovery from greyscale. I can picture the sponsored Instagram content now: “It’s a miracle! I rested up, ate kale and thought positively, and my greyscale just disappeared! Thanks, Citadel, you’re a wellness wonder. #fitspo #nofilter #tag4likes @dragon_queen”

Maester Jim Broadbent asks about excisions and unguents, but Jorah has no idea what an unguent is, which is a fair enough question because until I just looked it up I thought it meant to not “guent” something.


The knight is sent on his way to go hang around Daenarys and snap up any crumbs of her affection, but Sam’s impression of Jesus healing the lepers does not go unnoticed by his superior.

Because he’s a human being with working eyes, Maester Jim Broadbent can’t be mad at Sam Tarly’s face, and even tells him to be proud of effecting a cure that better and more experienced Maesters could not have done. However, he’s not off the hook for disobeying orders entirely.

Sam’s punishment? Make copies of all these decaying ancient manuscripts, says Maester JB. OH NO, says Sam, please can’t I clean more chamber pots? No, says Maester JB, you must immerse yourself in all this PRECIOUS KNOWLEDGE which absolutely WILL NOT CONTAIN CLUES ON HOW TO HELP SAVE THE WORLD I’M SURE. Remember, Sam - bezoars good, sectumsempra bad.

Back on Dragonstone, Jon Snow is being Jon Snow SO HARD it actually made me feel weak. If you look up the term “Byronic hero” in the Big Book of Character Types there’s a picture of Jon Snow brooding on a cliff. I only got through it because Tyrion made some on par jokes about Jon Snow brooding on a cliff. Bless you Tyrion.


My poor beloved. I objectify him so, but he has some real world problems that aren’t just going to go away because he’s incredibly good-looking. Dany’s removed his means of escape from the island. Nobody believes him about White Walkers. And all that wind is going to mess up his man bun.

Then, in a surprise confession, Tyrion announces that he actually does believe Jon about the White Walkers, because he was stupid enough to ignore all sensible advice about avoiding Dragonstone and actually rocked up. Thanks… I guess?

Furthermore, Tyrion reminded Jon of the whole ruddy purpose of his trip to Dragonstone in the first place - the need to mine dragonglass from the mighty store of it on the island.

Tyrion convinces Dany to let Jon have the resource - after all, it means nothing to her. “Give him something by giving him nothing,” he tells her, making her question whether he is in fact offering wisdom from the ages, or just passing off his own thoughts as great insights.

Either way, it prompts a sweet scene between Dany and Jon on a lookout, watching as Viserion and Rhaegal circle the rocky outcrops. “I named them after my brothers… you lost two brothers as well?” And with that piece of shared sadness, finally, eventually, communication.

Dany doesn’t say that she believes Jon’s story, but does offer him the dragon glass, and the support of her forces to mine it. Jon almost looks happy.

The detente may have come just at the right time, because with the final events of the episode, Dany is going to need allies.

With Yara Greyjoy out of the picture, Dany and Tyrion turn their attention to Casterly Rock, and their surprise sneak attack via the sewers. Turns out Tyrion had spent his time wisely while trying to sneak hookers around without his Dad finding out.

Tyrion’s narration as the action happens is inspiring: “The army only fights for my sister out of fear, but the Unsullied fight for freedom and the woman who gave it to them… Casterly Rock is impregnable, but as a wise man once said, give me ten good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch....” It’s all very uplifting, isn’t it?

Except it’s wrong.

Grey Worm knows something is up when the fight is too easy. “Where are they?” he questions a dying Lannister soldier. “Where are the rest of the Lannister soldiers?”

Turns out Jaime Lannister had pulled a Robb Stark switcheroo, and left only a small reserve of men to guard Casterly Rock, a property that’s not as important as it once was, given Cersei and Jaime’s base in the capital.

The rest of the army - with Jaime at the head, backed up by the oathbreaker Tarlys and Bronn! - marched on Highgarden, seat of the Tyrells, which is quickly overwhelmed. “It’s not our forte,” Olenna admits, after asking how her troops fared.

This final scene with Olenna Tyrell just broke me, in the best possible way. It was honourable, and truthful, and almost kind, with both of them knowing this was her end. Jaime, for his part, took some comfort in the fact he’d talked his sister out of having the matriarch publicly humiliated before her death, or have her head stuck on a spike afterwards.

When he offers her poison, her only question is whether it will hurt, then she downs it immediately. Ye gods, she’s good. She’s already insulted Cersei and Joffrey in classic Olenna style (“He really was a c***), but it’s only after she drinks that she delivers the coup de grace - that she, not Tyrion, arranged Joffrey’s murder. Her declaration, and the affect it had on Jaime, took my breath away.

“Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.”

It was a genius, dastardly move worthy of someone with the rat cunning of Olenna Tyrell. In those last moments of powerlessness, she exacted a final victory over the all-conquering Lannisters. She’s gone now, and House Tyrell will be gone, with the Rains of Castamere underscoring the scene. But she did not die a loser like many others, including arguably her children and grandchildren. She went out on her own terms.

*Drops mic*

That stunning finale aside, it doesn’t stop things looking rather dicey for Dany as we head into the second half of the season (Yes! already! What’s that about?!). She’s lost the Tyrells, she’s lost the Dornish, she’s lost the good Greyjoys (Theon’s on a ship somewhere, he’ll turn up again). She was talked out of going flying on her dragons to do a spot of ship-burning, but her team is rapidly running out of options. A full-scale (hur hur) attack on King’s Landing might still provide a victory, but what would that display of power cost her?

Yay! Best Moments

Gods, so many. Sansa owning Baelish is up there, as it Olenna’s final f*** you to Jaime Lannister. Also, for what it's worth, I adored Sam's interaction with Maester JB, especially when he explained how he cured Jorah's greyscale: "I read the book, and followed the instructions." Godsdamnit, my father was right.

Zing! Best Lines

Everything Tyrion said on Dragonstone, but in particular this answer to Jon’s question on how to make people believe him:

“People’s minds aren’t made for problems that large. White Walkers, the Night King, Army of the Dead. It’s almost a relief to confront a comfortable, familiar monster like my sister.”

And this response to Daenarys pondering Davos’ statement that Jon took a knife to the chest:

“You must forgive them their flights of fancy. It’s dreary in the north.”

Ew, gross

A tie between Euron’s wandering fingers and a reminder that Jaime and Cersei do, in fact, do it. Ewwwwwww.

Boo, sucks

I’m getting a horrible sense that Jaime Lannister’s end may be nigh. As head of the army (the Pongo to Euron’s Matlow, thanks Gran for those WW2 armed forces references), he has more power now than ever, and yet he cuts a tragic figure. Olenna is not wrong when she describes Cersei as a disease she helped spread. The most affected victim is Jaime, and it’s an affliction far worse than Jorah’s greyscale. Jaime’s arc could be one of redemption if he could just overcome his sister’s power over him. But is he strong enough to turn Kingslayer into Queenslayer?

Thank you so much for reading, precious kittens. Gosh I hope it made sense. All that fresh air on Dragonstone went to my head. As always, a huge thank you to my Beloved Patreon subscribers, in particular Brett C, Robert L, Annette R, Sam B and Peta & Mark from Canberra. I love you like I love Jon Snow stroking a foster kitten. If you want to jump onboard the Patreon train, the station is over here. See you next week!

17 Responses to ‘GoT S7 E3 Raven On Recap: The Queen's Justice’

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted August 1, 2017
I can't help but think that if Kings Landing made more cultural investments in amateur theatre or an arts program there would be fewer people standing around Fleabottom with nothing else to do than shout rude epithets at passing women in chains.

TheWah puts forth...

Posted August 1, 2017
I was wondering when some of of the people in the crowd was going to say "They aren't whores! Whoring is a respectable job here in Fleabottom. These here are tarts, or maybe strumpets, but they aren't whores!" and everybody claps.

Im assuming that most of the men and women in Fleabottom are either 1) Dung collectors or 2) Sex Workers.. though there is booming business in Sept Cleanup Duty now.

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted August 1, 2017
very true.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted August 1, 2017
Also thanks for now having Craig Mclaughlan stuck in my head for the day, excellent work on the lyrics.

Also Brann comes across as that annoying teenager who has comeback from studying overseas for six months and can bearly talk to you becuase of Nihilism and everything is so emo.

Darth Greybeard asserts...

Posted August 1, 2017
1 million points.

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted August 1, 2017
Oh god this made me laugh so much. It's hysterically funny because it's true :)

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 1, 2017
Barnsey wins the Internet.

Respond to this thread

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted August 1, 2017
He went to Berlin, didn't he?

Respond to this comment

Darth Greybeard asserts...

Posted August 1, 2017
Don't know if anyone stuck with Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series through all 14 or 37 or whatever books. As it went on (and on) the books were more fluff and padding than plot. This is not the case with GoT and I'm finding this series the best paced and scripted so far. Also GC's recaps just get more entertaining.

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted August 1, 2017
Nawwww, thanks Greybeard! I agree, I'm loving the pacing. Don't think too much about the geography though. :)

Respond to this thread

Jeats asserts...

Posted August 2, 2017
The only one that bent the knee this episode was Cersei.

Respond to this comment

jl puts forth...

Posted August 2, 2017
Love these recaps, Girlclumsy.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted August 3, 2017
Love YOU! :)

jl has opinions thus...

Posted August 6, 2017
I am unworthy, madame.

Respond to this thread

spankee puts forth...

Posted August 2, 2017
I like the Euron MacGregor reference. But when I was listening to your Ep2 Podcast and you were wondering who he reminded you of, all I got was an image of Lord Flasheart. Woof!

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 3, 2017
He very much does have more than a touch of Flash about him. Watch out, he'll call you darling and have you pregnant 20 seconds later!

spankee ducks in to say...

Posted August 3, 2017
Oh damn! I thought that was a canoe in his pocket!

Respond to this thread

Respond to 'GoT S7 E3 Raven On Recap: The Queen's Justice'

GoT S7E2 Raven On Recap: Stormborn

Posted July 25, 2017 into Raven On by girlclumsy

I can’t believe it.

I simply can’t believe it.

After all this time, I didn’t even think. I didn’t even realise it could be so easy.

Send a raven north! SUMMON JON SNOW!

All these years I’ve been grappling with how to get the now-King in the North to notice me, and Dany goes and flips off an interview request like it AIN’T NO THANG and lo and behold my beloved is in the saddle and riding ferociously for White Harbour.

If only I had thought to send a raven and SUMMON JON SNOW! sooner he might be in the saddle and riding my White Harbour ferociously.


I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that’s crass. Unladylike. Beneath me (Gods I wish Jon Snow was beneath me).

But people, people! For the first time ever, in this glorious, suspenseful episode, we heard DAENARYS talking about JON and JON talking about DAENARYS. I don’t know about you but I got goosebumps. The prospect of that pair meeting IN THE FLESH next week… oh Gods, I just slipped off my chair.

Of course, there was much more goodness in this episode. Kate Bush turned up! Missandei got her boobs out! Grey Worm got his ? out! Jorah got his scabs lanced! Cersei got a giant f***-off weapon! Old Mate Euron went barkingly bonkingly batshit! Jon beat up Baelish! NYMERIA! HOT F***ING PIE!!!

So without further ado, let’s get cracking on another installment of Raven On, the Game of Thrones recap series that cannot keep whatever it’s got in its pants in its pants.

S7E2: “Stormborn” aka "Choose Life"

I hate to be a f***ing cliche and cite that “two roads diverged in a yellow wood” poem, but this did seem to be an episode about choosing paths, and the relative risks of those choices.

Of course you could argue that picking “the one less travelled by” is probably just as likely to end up in DEATH MURDER BOAT MURDER MORE DEATH MORE BOAT AND PIE as the other, but that poem was written by Robert Frost, and given the context of the icypocalypse heading south, still seems apt.

Dany and Tyrion are plotting a course for victory by rejecting their allies’ counsel. Jon’s making calls on who the North’s allies have to be. Cersei’s having a proper gander at anti-dragon propaganda. Jaime’s convincing Hard Man Randall Tarly to break his oath to House Tyrell. The Hard Man’s elder son disobeys instructions to save his old Commander’s son. The Hard Man’s younger son realises he has to live with the name “Dickon” (snort). And ARYA F***ING STARK IS HEADING HOME.

Let’s address the events that top this episode - Dany’s plan for the invasion of Westeros - so we can tail it with how one of its key elements goes horribly wrong.

It was a dark and stormy night when Daenarys was born on Dragonstone, and so it is again as she calls her competitive LARP team meeting to order.

Dany starts with a some-might-suggest-long-overdue dressing down of Lord Varys for acting against her on the orders of Robert Baratheon back in the day, before cosying up to her as his preferred saviour of Westeros.

There was a nice moment when Dany just cut Tyrion off mid-sentence as he tried to Lanns-plain that Varys had been the one to convince him to believe in Dany like he used to believe in Santa Claus (or Santa Claws, for the Lannisters?).

But Varys stood his ground, telling Dany that his support will always lie with the guttersnipes and bottomfeeders that he himself grew up with. I never thought the Spider’s intentions were 100% pure, but I’m starting to think maybe they simply are. He was left destitute and de-genitaled after all, so maybe his sympathies do indeed lie with the victims, the innocents. After years of trying to pin down his loyalties, it seems Varys really is doing it for the people.

Certainly Dany seems to recognise that. She makes him pinky swear that if he ever thinks she’s “Doing a Dad” and failing the people that he look her in the eye and detonate a truth bomb. Aaaaaaaand if he f***s her over again, she’ll Mortein his spidery ass with dragon breath.

Then 80s chanteuse Kate Bush turns up.

Tell you what, Dany’s not wrong when she says Dragonstone doesn’t feel like home. She goes to meet Melisandre in the throne room, and boy it’s drab. All cold deep blues and greys, so unlike the warm, sensual colours of the East. Honestly, would it kill someone to throw a few citrus-coloured scatter cushions about the place? I guess this is Game of Thrones, so yes, it probably would kill someone, but I feel like Mary Poppins needs to spoonful of sugar the place up.

The Red Woman pays tribute to the Breaker of Chains and in turn is welcomed as part of the Lord of Light’s expeditionary peacekeeping force.

Varys tries it on by suggesting her previous role of lowercase “b” batman to Stannis’ uppercase “B” Batman didn’t turn out so well, but is roundly smacked down by an on-form Dany who reminds him that today happens to be the day they’re handing out pardons for past mistakes in kingly loyalty. BOOM.

Melisandre brings up “The Prince Who Was Promised”, sparking a delicious linguistic discussion about the non-gendered nature of “prince/princess” in High Valyrian which just made me love Missandei more than ever.

Dany quite fancies this new translation, although Melisandre doesn’t want to confirm that Dany herself is this fabled prophetic figure. But she does have a role to play, along with…. oh yes… oh gods yes… Jon Snow. The King in the North.

You could have knocked Tyrion down with a feather as Kate Bush rhapsodised about Jon’s achievements as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and King in the North. Yes Tyrion, that moody teenager you met all those years ago is now an EVEN MOODIER grown man with sexual experience and a MAN BUN. He is GLORIOUS and you should all be flocking to his sexy beard and extremely furry cape.

But no, Dany insists on being all Queenly and summoning Jon to Dragonstone on the premise that he will bend the knee. No, Jon, no…. answer my summons instead, and you can bend me over your knee. I promise it’s a much better outcome for everybody and mostly me.

Later, Dany pulls the rest of the recruits into line for a serious D&D session. It’s an impressive turn out: Yara and Theon Greyjoy keen to roll a critical hit against King’s Landing; Ellaria Sand in a mood of prickly revenge; and Olenna Tyrell bringing the cheese.

"No need to burn them all, Blondie. Just ignore them all."

Dany is grateful for her allies’ advice… but decides not to listen to it. She and Tyrion have devised a Plan to surround King’s Landing from all sides rather than go in all dragons blazing. Dany does NOT want to be Queen of the Ashes. She’ll leave that to Elizabeth II after an England/Australia cricket match, thank you very much (sporting reference! Look at me go!)

This requires the Greyjoys to ship the Dornish up the Narrow Sea (I feel the internet has already been shipping such relationships) to apply pressure from the south; while the Tyrell vines squeeze from the west. The armies have to be Westerosi to avoid accusations of a foreign conquering force, you see, a point Cersei is busily making from atop the Iron Throne. But more on her in a moment.

Tyrion does however have a plan for the Unsullied. They will sail ALL THE WAY AROUND WESTEROS to Casterly Rock where they will take the ancient stronghold of House Lannister. I mean, that’s a hell of a long way to go, but I guess Spanish Inquisition-style, nobody will expect it (note to self: replace lazy Monty Python reference with something funnier).

With the plan in motion, it was left to Missandei to bid farewell to Grey Worm, who would head the Unsullied mission to penetrate the Lannister fortress.


The couple’s little bedroom tete-a-tete was so sweet and pure and wholesome I just feel seedy attempting to make light of it. In fact, everything about that scene felt oddly… voyeuristic, and not in the saucy way. I felt like I was watching something very personal that wasn’t mine to see.

Grey Worm’s description of Missandei as his weakness was gorgeous, and his subsequent explanation of how Unsullied boys were trained to overcome their weaknesses was possibly the most we’ve ever heard him speak in the entire series. Turns out he’s a poet.

Eventually Missandei dropped her winter robes (chillier than Essos but clearly not cold enough for long johns yet), and persuaded Grey Worm to let her see him. There was a whole lot revealed, but some key items concealed, as they got down to business.

I want to make a JRR Tolkien-inspired “Grey Wormtongue” joke here, but again, crass. I’ve given you the components, you can assemble it yourselves.

"Yes, it's me. You're probably wondering how I ended up here."

Meanwhile over in King’s Landing, Darth Cersei is giving a tongue-lashing to a bunch of lords loyal to House Tyrell that she’s trying to lure over to the Dark Side.

In a Goebbels-inspired move, she manipulates the truth about Dany’s activities in Essos to make it sound like the Mother of Dragons is a veritable war criminal. The lords have an important choice to make - break with a centuries-old oath or risk their castles, their lands, their families and their legacy.

Jaime tries to secure Hard Man Randall Tarly’s support by offering him the position of general in the Lannister forces. Tarly, a hard but proud man, is not wholly convinced, but the Kingslayer makes some salient points about Olenna just being after revenge and Cersei needing a new Warden of the Whatever.

Meanwhile, in the cellars of the Red Keep, Qyburn has a present for Cersei. Amidst the giant f*** off skeletal dragon heads lies his prototype secret weapon against Dany’s dragons - a giant f*** off crossbow.

"That's not a crossbow. THIS is a crossbow."

“If they can be wounded, they can be killed,” Qyburn intones ominously, proving once and for all he really is the Upside Down version of Q from the Bond films.

With a twang, Cersei releases the mechanism and the bolt goes straight through the head of Balerion the Dread, Aegon’s own flying lizard. BOOM. It’s a massive development for Cersei, who doesn’t really deserve breaks like this, and it won’t be the last one this episode. Also we need a name for the weapon. Please vote, or add your own suggestion:

*The Really Crossbow
*The Debt Payer
*The Maester Missile
*Tywin’s Revenge
*Their Regards

Over in Old Town, Sam Tarly is being instructed in how to write histories by Archmaester Jim Broadbent, who insists he read examples from the Citadel’s library.

There’s a cute little in-joke there about the Archmaester’s own book about “The Wars Following the Death of King Robert I”. Sam suggests something more poetic, a reference to the book title, “The War of Five Kings”. Har har, take a bow, nicely done all.

Something far less nice is Ser Jorah’s scaly torso, which we see unshirted for the first time ever this series. Well done, Ser Jorah, if it wasn’t for that hideous infectious disease you’d look pretty great for someone who didn’t have Jon Snow’s abs.

Archmaester Broadbent is adamant that Ser Jorah’s condition is too far gone and untreatable. He gives him a day to “take care of things” (ie, send a teary letter to Dany then off himself) but Sam is not willing to give up without a fight. Sam served under Jorah’s father, Jeor Mormont, at Castle Black, and he wants to return the kindness the Old Bear showed him.

“You’re not dying today,” he tells Jorah, before shoving a flagon of rum down his gullet and making him bite down on a stick. Sam then performs some fairly confronting skin removal, to the soft accompaniment of Jorah’s muffled screams of pain.

So soothing.

It’s less pain and more pane (the bread, not the sheet of glass, it’s a sophisticated Italian joke) over at Hot Pie’s Fine Dining Establishment and Stables.

A resplendent Hot Pie is surprised and happy to see the girl he knew as ‘Arry, even if she is somewhat deadpan (deadpane? No, it didn’t work, move along Natalie) about it. He proceeds to feed her with both delicious foodstuffs and important exposition, including the key information that WINTERFELL IS BACK IN STARK HANDS.

As ‘Arry, sorry, Arya, leaves the bistro, we see her contemplate her original plan to continue on to King’s Landing… before nudging her horse to the right and heading north.


And then, if that wasn’t enough, she stops to rest in a patch of snowy forest somewhere, only to see her horse spooked by rustlings in the bushes. I once spooked someone by rustling in the bushes, but I stopped when they got scared and also when they filed a restraining order against me.

Slowly, Arya finds herself surrounded by wolves, brandishing her sword. Ye Gods, it’s finally happened - she’s become Liam F***ing Neeson. She does have a very particular set of skills, after all.

Then, the great direwolf appears - Nymeria! Last seen waaaaay back in Season 1, Episode 2 (yes, that far back), Arya had pushed away her direwolf to save her from a Lannister knife. There seems to be a moment of recognition, and Arya begs her old friend to come back with her to Winterfell.

"Come with me... we can brutally murder people together."

But the great beast turns away, all her wolfy minions following suit.

“That's not you,” Arya says mysteriously. But yes, it was! It must be! We need this reconciliation, it’s the perfect time for it! While one wolf survives, no sheep is safe, Arya said it herself when she killed all the motherf***ing Freys last week! Come back, Nymeria! Pity Arya didn’t have any Schmackos in her pocket.

UPDATE: It's now been pointed out to me via numerous sources that Arya's "that's not you" quote referenced her acknowledgement that Nymeria is wild and untamable, just like her, and was a callback to when she told Ned Stark in Season 1 that she was not destined to be a lady. It makes perfect sense and I am very jealous of all the recappers and obsessives who have the time to work that stuff out.

Still, Arya was super close to reuniting with her puppy, and I’m sure it will happen in some form. It seems only fitting to encourage her onwards a la the Pet Shop Boys:

Go North!
It’s not peaceful there
Go North!
There is frigid air
Go North!
But you can start anew
Go North!
See your sister too
Go North!
You might find your dog
Go North!
Baelish will monologue
Go North!
Please stab him in the face
Go North!
Make your home a better place

So let’s head back to Winterfell, which I’ve shamefully neglected until later in the recap in the hope it leads into a suitable concluding loop-back. Oh Gods, I hope you’re still reading, this is long one.

Jon receives Dany’s letter at Winterfell, and while little kiddies practise their archery, discusses its meaning with Sansa and Ser Davos.

My beloved is sure Tyrion is the author; he references that great “dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes line” he used on J-Snow when they first met. Sansa agrees it’s him, but she and Davos say it’s too dangerous for Jon to go to Dragonstone to meet this Targaryen Queen.

Jon, though, has other motivations. To the assembled court, he reads out Sam Tarly’s raven outlining the large cache of dragonglass buried on Dragonstone. He says they need that stuff to beat the White Walkers - once again, it’s the only end goal he has in sight. Jon stays his path; not even the combined pleas of Lord Royce, Lord Glover and Lady Lyanna Mormont (“The King belongs in the north!”) can change his mind. Sansa half-pleads, half-lectures him about the risk he’s taking - that it could be the same trick the Mad King sprang on Ned Stark’s father and brother all those years ago.

"It's a trap!"

Jon is concerned. Jon is ALWAYS concerned. He hurts so much deep inside it hurts me to admit it really does things to me. But ultimately Jon is unmoved.

I tell you what does move him though, and that’s an appearance by the creep-tacular Petyr Baelish. There Jon is, quietly paying his respects to his father (nope, apparently) in the Winterfell crypts, when Littlefinger sidles up and starts talking shit about how Catelyn didn’t like him, but here he was, the last hope against the oncoming storm, oh and by the way I love Sansa like I loved her mother, and BOOM--

---Jon shoves him against a wall and I think my ovaries exploded.

“Touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself,” he glowers at the rat bastard pinned against the crypt wall. FINISH HIM OFF NOW JON, I’M ALREADY SUPER TURNED-ON.

But he doesn’t, because he’s a good man, I guess? Who knows. He’s got places to be, I suppose.

Find somebody who looks at your enemies the way Jon Snow looks at Littefinger.

Jon leaves the crypts and saddles his horse (to be that horse etc), ready to make for Dragonstone. He turns and waves a sombre farewell to Sansa, who returns the gesture. It’s a sad vignette, but not hopeless. I don’t think Sansa intends to fire up the Northern lords against Jon while he’s gone. He did trust her with command in his absence, after all. I remain confident Jon can do his business quickly and return to a positive relationship with Sansa. And shut up if you want to spoil that for me.

Meanwhile can Sansa look forward to another family reunion next week, with Arya coming back? Will Arya regret her choice to return, if her favourite sibling Jon isn't there?

Finally, let’s all aboard the Greyjoy fleet, complete with Sand Snakes and a very flirty Yara.

She and Ellaria enjoy some Dornish wine and corny sexual tension, mocking Theon as they go. “Protect her from the foreign invasion!” laughs Ellaria, as she goes in for what can only be described as an “anchors a-WA-HAY!"

But it’s float-us interruptus for the adventurous pair, as the Greyjoy fleet comes under sudden and fiery attack. It’s like the Armada circa 1588, except the Spanish are winning.

On deck, Yara and Theon look up to see a giant ship loom over theirs, before plowing into it. A drawbridge descends, and out from the darkness, from over their heads, he comes: The Flying Crotchman.

"It's enormous."

It’s Old Mate Euron and his supercharged fleet of Iron Islanders. Honestly, I cannot even calculate that there are this many Ironborn in existence - the whole kingdom looks like it has a population only marginally bigger than Bear Island. Still, they quickly wreak havoc in a bloody immersive sea-born battle sequence.

Yara has the heart and stomach of a king, but unfortunately she has the body of a weak and feeble woman - at least compared to Old Mate Euron. She puts up a valiant effort against a bunch of salty seadogs and her Unky, but he appears to have snorted a barrel full of anabolic steroids and cocaine before launching his surprise attack.

The guy is a ferocious and insane fighter, that’s for sure. He wields an axe like I wield a karaoke microphone - boldly, without mercy and probably to a bitching 80s soundtrack.

Some of the Sand Snakes, who were gossiping below decks, emerge to help the fight and protect Ellaria Sand. But Obara and Tyene (I think) are murdered, with Tyene suffering a brutal Wolf Creek-style spinal cord adjustment.

Ellaria is captured, as is Yara. No doubt these are the “gifts” Old Mate intends to bribe Cersei with in exchange for a walk down the aisle. Should make for an interesting trip back to King’s Landing next week.

However, in one of the saddest moments possibly ever in this series, we see Theon abandon Yara to her fate. Euron has her tightly in his grip, urging Theon to help her, tears are rolling down Yara’s face, the skies are exploding above them, but all of a sudden Theon disappears and Reek returns in his place - cowardly, snivelling, scared. And Reek chooses to survive.

He jumps overboard, plunges into the water, grabs a piece of driftwood to cling to and re-enacts his own version of the ending of Titanic. Except he totally let go. Sorry Yara.

That's the problem with plans. They don't survive contact with the enemy, and Old Mate Euron is clearly this season's chaotic enemy.

And with Dany and Tyrion's best laid plans ganged agley, big time, it seems like the Mother of Dragons might not be in the best bargaining position against Jon Snow next week...

Yay! Best Moments

Again, so many, but I’d have to say I adored that little chat Olenna Tyrell had with Dany. For someone who never had a mother figure, it must have been refreshing to hear the Queen of Thorns lay the smack down on all the jumped up jerks, knobs and fools she’s outlived over the years. Her wise words are ignore all the men, don’t be a sheep, and instead BE A DRAGON.

Can I get that on a t-shirt?

Zing! Best Lines

Hot Pie: The secret is to brown the butter before making the dough. Most people don’t do that. Arya: I didn’t do that. Hot Pie: You’ve been making pies? Arya: One or two.

Ew, gross

I’ve had scabs in my time, but wow, Ser Jorah really is Crust Central. I felt like the director and cinematographer took particular pleasure in close-up shots of Sam’s surgical excisions, with raw infected flesh and pus right up in our faces. The inevitable scene change juxtaposition with a pie in Hot Pie’s pub was enough to put everyone off their dinner.

I guess it’s kind of sad that several Sand Snakes were turned into extremely realistic figureheads for Euron’s fleet. Their limp bodies really put the “flag” into “flagship”.


.....Phew, this was a long one. Thanks for sticking with me, Beloveds! I also want to give a massive shout out to all the amazing Patreon subscribers who've jumped onboard this groove train. In particular, holla to Kamal A, Val B, Paul D, Kerrie and Fraser B. You are all as sexy as the fur on Jon Snow's cape. If you want to subscribe, click here! And I'll see you next week.

9 Responses to ‘GoT S7E2 Raven On Recap: Stormborn’

Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted July 25, 2017

Sorry - not very wordy as I have just spoilerised my self and have yet to see the episode...

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted July 25, 2017
Oh no! Sorry to spoil. Enjoy the ep!

Bondiboy66 would have you know...

Posted July 26, 2017
S'cool! It was self inflicted - besides I just HAD to know what happened! And of course had to read your peerless update.

Respond to this thread

Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted July 25, 2017
How is it that a virgin eunuch is such a cunning linguist?

Yeah, I said it.

Doesn't make it any less true.

Do you have any idea how much floundering around most men not named Rhino have to do in order to be good at that?

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 25, 2017
Not all heroes wear capes, Rhino.

Respond to this thread

DarrenBloomfield would have you know...

Posted July 25, 2017
A freind just made a very fine observation - the Hot Pie / Arya reunion. I loved it for the "I've made one or two" quip alone. But my friend nailed it when she said : "Also how interesting was Arya in the scene with Hot Pie – she was the spitting image of the Hound in speech and mannerisms."

I rewatched it. She was totally channelling her old 'travelling companion'

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted July 25, 2017
HOLY SHIT YOUR FRIEND IS SO RIGHT. I think that warrants a bit of thought and bonus commentary later in the week. Or on the podcast tonight, even! Thanks! :)

Respond to this comment

she_jedi asserts...

Posted July 25, 2017
That was definitely the most exciting Greyjoy story line I've seen, although it did not stop me from screaming at the television along the lines of "DON'T YOU F**ING DARE THEON!! YOU GET BACK ON THAT SHIP AND SAVE YOUR GODDAMNED SISTER YOU SNIVELLING COWARD!"

A colleague at work has argued it's all part of a "cunning plan" to summon reinforcements and rescue Yara at a later date, and if he'd gone charging in to save her they'd have both ended up dead. We live in hope.

But Arya and Hot Pie was simply the best. It almost made up for zero Tormienne this episode Seriously HBO lift your game!

Respond to this comment

Darth Greybeard puts forth...

Posted July 29, 2017
This one's for you Nat. The background is that a friend's son is a bar manager in England not far from Worcester at a pub which is Kit's (ahem Jon Snow's) local and last December Jon, Ygritte, Theon and Sam rocked up for Jon's birthday.

"Alfie (Theon) ordered drinks and asked **** if he could put them on his room tab or did he prefer he pay them on his credit card. **** said he could put them on a tab and Alfie was like "you don't need to imprint my credit card"?... **** was like "I'm sure you always pay your debts" and had a little chuckle.... Alfie liked it.
**** got an emailed thank you from Kit"

But the kicker was, a certain member of the party left without paying his room or bar tabs. So, you know, abandoning his sister is kind of what you'd expect.

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'GoT S7E2 Raven On Recap: Stormborn'

GoT S7 E1 Raven On Recap: Dragonstone

Posted July 18, 2017 into Raven On by girlclumsy


You beautiful thing. You beautiful, deadly thing. You’re like a snake. No, better than a snake. You’re like a cunning honey badger. You don’t give a shit. Except unlike the internet honey badgers, you hate MRAs. Oh you HATE THEM. And the Freys are MRAs, make no mistake. They would happily subdue your rights as an independent avenging assassin just trying to make her way in the world. They are exactly the kind of man-babies that would cry over a woman Doctor Who. SO YOU KILL ALL THOSE MR-FREYS and YOU KILL THEM GOOD.

Oh gods, I’m drooling.

When the first person to appear on my screen in Season Seven Game of Thrones was Walder f***ing Frey, I almost tipped over my Pepsi Max. My thought process over the next three seconds ran thus:

“What the HELL is going on, Arya just slit his THROAT, that piece of crap is DEAD, oh SHIT that’s ARYA, in Faceless Man mode, OHHHHH THEY ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.”

I have never been so happy.

Don’t worry, Jon Snow appeared not long after and I got happier, but OH ARYA BABY BIRD YOU GOTTA FLY.

Throw away the Dornish goon! Pour out the Arbour Penfolds! Everybody toast! Everybody drink! (Except you, innocent servant girl) Everybody choke! Everybody collapse! As the aforementioned Doctor might exclaim if s/he was feeling particularly persnickety - EVERYBODY DIES!

The North Remembers.... to murder!

And with that, welcome to another series of Raven On, the recaps that aren’t so much measured, analytical critiques of Game of Thrones, as emotional dry-humping on a feverish level.

The credit sequence had barely started and I already felt like I needed a post-coital cigarette. Was it good for you too, beloved readers? Not so much la petite mort as LE GRANDE MORT several times over with a sensual massage afterwards.

I’m so happy our show is back. I’m so happy that my recaps are back. I hope you’re happy too, bizarre sexual fetishes aside. I couldn’t do this without you. You are the yin to my yang. The Sonny to my Cher. The Titanic to my iceberg. Let’s sink together and never let go.

Season 7, Episode 1: “Dragonstone” or “HASHTAG GIRL BOSS”.

Yes, there’s definitely a lot of ladies making their presence known and respected in this fantastic opening episode. It’s not a perfect all-encompassing theme, but what the hell, let’s start as we mean to proceed.

Can we take a moment first and appreciate the MOTHERF***ING GIANT ZOMBIE WIGHTS, trudging south along with the rest of the dreary foot soldiers in the White Walker’s frosty army? Now we know what happened to the valiant Stampy’s brothers and sisters… reanimated to become Soldiers of Chilly Doom. On the day we lost zombie maestro George Romero, it feels fitting to have this latest incarnation of that particular body horror placed front and centre in our minds.

Next let’s just get this out of the way: Bran’s back at Castle Black. Meera looked exhausted, Bran freaked out Dolorous Edd with some clever mentalism, they let them in, here’s hoping there’s a plot development next week. Done.

Now down to Winterfell, where there is much more hot Jon Snow action. The King in the North (oh, I go weak at the knees just writing that) is holding court in what appears to be the same gathering of lords that acclaimed him at the end of last season. I mean, it can’t be, given that events seemed to have moved on by two weeks and Brienne is now in attendance, but they’re certainly all dressed the same and seated in the same position. I guess if I could only have Jon Snow in one position, I’d still take it.

Anyway, Jon and Sansa, the SUPERIOR STARK SIBLINGS, are there, and they’re together, and it’s perfect, and I can’t get enough of it. Jon talks about the need to create a dragon glass inventory, and to train everybody between the ages of 10 and 60 in how to handle his weapon. I mean weapons, in general.

Yes, it’s true - my beloved is an equal opportunist. I’M SO PROUD. He saw Ygritte fight, he knows women are not delicate beings who couldn’t possibly swing a sword or pilot a TARDIS. Sure, it’s a numbers game more than anything, but that doesn’t stop me wanting to really Germaine Jon’s Greers.

Captain Darling, sorry, Lord Glover, attempts some ovary-shaming but cops a well-deserved spray from our Hero of Heroes, Lyanna Mormont.

“I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me… and I don’t need your permission to defend the North.”

Bitch, please.

Forget your anti-capitalist-Wall-Street-bull-statues, here’s your real Fierce Girl. NO MAN will tell the Little Bear not to fight, and by the gods if we don’t get a Rocky-style training Mor-montage I am going to write to my MP. I am not a crackpot.

Jon then requests Tormund and the wildlings take the job of manning the towers along The Wall. Now, Jon, my love - you cannot be serious in sending Tormund Giantsbane to The Wall for this whole series? What about a little thing called “Tormienne”? You must care about this romance Jon. Tormund is never going to convince Brienne to ride his great free folk into the wild blue yonder if he’s hundreds of miles away in creaky old Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.

But somebody has to go because that’s the direction the White Walkers will come from, and that’s where the trouble starts.

Jon, in the blue corner, wants to forgive the traitorous houses and bring them back under the Stark banner. In the red corner, Sansa has a little Sansplaining to do about loyalty and reward, betrayal and punishment. It got awkward, even for Brienne.

"I would rather be fighting a bear right now."

Thing is, my girl Sansa has a POINT. The Karstarks and Umbers were vicious backstabbing pricks whose mouths were writing cheques BOO HISS RAMSAY BOLTON couldn’t cash. Good riddance, and a pox on both their houses.

Except Jon is right. Jon is always right. Sigh.

When he calls forth the heirs to House Umber and Karstark, they turn out to be SWEET LITTLE BABIES. There’s no point in punishing these children for the poor decisions of their fathers. The White Walkers won’t care they’re douche-spawn. The North cannot be divided by internal ructions that might grow in resentful kiddie minds. Much better to secure their loyalty now, while they’re young. But in an inspiring way, not a grooming way, don’t be gross.

Later, we see that Jon is not happy about being Sansplained to. “I’m the King now, don’t undermine me!” he says - and it’s got to be said - in a slightly whiny way. YES. YOU READ THAT. I JUST MILDLY CRITICISED JON SNOW. I am a grown woman and I can recognise when my beloved is being a tad bratty. I would offer to spank that out of him, but it turns out Sansa is way ahead of me. In an assertive way, not a Lannister way, don’t be gross.

Sansa almost compared Jon to Joffrey and he was so sad at even the idea
of that but then she took it back but LOOK AT THAT FACE. #broodygoals

She tells him that she loves and missed Ned and Robb but by jeez, by jingo, by crikey they were thicker than my thighs in lycra, and that’s not going to cut it against Cersei. Jon has to make like 90s pop star Des’ree: he’s gotta be bad, gotta be bold, gotta be wiser. Yes, he’s gotta be hard, he’s gotta be tough, he’s gotta be stronger. You could even say he’s gotta be cool, he’s gotta be calm, he’s gotta stay together (If I’ve done my job you’re now singing the end bit).

When Jon asks if he’s supposed to be smarter by listening to his sister, her answer is “Would that be so terrible?”


Jon gets a raven from Darth Cersei, demanding he go to the capital and bend the knee or suffer a traitor’s death. Jon’s jam is the Night King (I always thought it was Night’s?), but Sansa cautions him about his enemy to the south, someone she grudgingly seems to respect.

This is what I want - two siblings, both clever, both brave, both determined, supporting but challenging each other. Jon is used to fighting alone for everything, and always facing a battle in trying to convince people a maelstrom of frosty badness is heading their way. Now he’s got his chance to lead without question, but that’s exactly what Sansa needs to do. Question him. She may not be right, but it’s important he hear reasoned, experienced voices, and hers is more valid than most. She’s lived in the South, she knows Cersei, and she’s a survivor. She knows their war on the wicked winds of winter will be worthless if their army is whipped on another front, so damnit Jon, you listen to her or I’ll have to punish you. Oh please the Gods let me punish you.

I don’t know about you, but I got my second awwww-gasm of the episode with some casual Tormienne action in the Winterfell yard. Tormund casually mosied up to Brienne as she trained Pod, causing her to become slightly distracted. When Pod got a hit in, Brienne turned around and beat him the ground, prompting Tormund to exclaim “You are a lucky man.” BOOM.

"You know I have all my own teeth. And I get can get you more, if you want."

There was also a moment with Littlefinger trying his usual sleaze on Sansa. “Oh, sweetie, you’re not happy, you should smile more, oh pretty baby, how can Uncle Petyr make things better?” OH F*** OFF BAELISH YOU UNEARTHLY CREEP. Brienne shares our attitude, but Sansa is pragmatic. While Littlefinger controls the Knights of the Vale, she has to put up with his leering and negging. Thank heavens Sansa appears to have already read “The Game”, so she was able to shut him down before his clever final remark, which probably would have been a backhanded compliment or a magic trick.

Let’s turn now to King’s Landing, Darth Cersei, and the GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP.

Can I say how much I enjoyed the fact that the GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP was being finished as Jaime turned up? Normally those things just *exist* in movies and TV shows, you never see them being created. Picture it now, Cersei on some interminably dull home renovation show, demanding new bathroom fittings for the Red Keep, a cheeky timber deck, and an extra-detailed GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP on pain of death?

Breaking News: Cersei drinks wine.

Cersei seems more confident than we’ve seen her in a while, but then I suppose blowing up all your capital city-based enemies is bound to be a better motivator than the cheesiest of Anthony Robbins self-help tapes. She’s cognisant of their many broader enemies (hooray for Olenna Tyrell that “old c***” traitor!), and reserves her deepest hate for their brother Tyrion, now at the right hand side of Daenarys Targaryen.

Jaime is more circumspect. He’s not angry at his big sis’, but he is concerned that her judgement is clouding, and she’s not seeing the very real dangers faced by her Seven, sorry Three, Kingdoms. Cersei’s gone into full emotional shutdown, even blaming Tommen for his own death. When Jaime Lannister is the 1990s-style Sensitive New Age Guy, you know you’re in trouble.

But Cersei has a Plan to conquer recalcitrant, independent types in Dorne, the Reach, the North and on Dragonstone. She’s invited Old Mate Euron to court.

Euron, as we remember, was last seen telling his followers to chop down all five trees on the Iron Islands and build him a thousand ships. The Salties seem to have come through, complete with fancy calamari duco on the prows. Quite a feat for a broke-ass shitpile of a kingdom.

In all black with a tight leather jacket open to show off his chest, Old Mate Euron is dressed like the ultimate self-confident mouth Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. Whisk off the ostentatious moustache and add some thick-rimmed specs and you’ve got Dr Malcolm in the middle of the Throne Room.

Like Sam Neill in Jurassic Park, Jaime is cynical of Old Mate Euron’s ability and trustworthiness, but the Ironborn just proposes to Cersei and sasses back about having two working hands. Dr Malcolm flirted with his hands - remember the chaos theory demonstration with Laura Dern? I swear this analogy has got legs.

Cersei rejects Euron’s offer of marriage and wow how could you when it was just so appealing.

"I'm always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs Euron."

But Euron’s not going take no for an answer. He’s got a lot of love (cock) to give, so he’s going to go find a fancy-schmancy engagement present and then Cersei will surely forget everything she just said and jump his salty bones. BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY.

The Hound faces an inconvenient truth, and not in the form of the severe climate change currently wending its way south. The Brotherhood Without Banners turns up at a cabin he once stayed in with Arya, before beating up the farmer who owned it and stealing all their valuables.

That clearly ended well for the farmer, who appears to have stabbed his daughter then himself rather than let them die of starvation. This makes Sandor Clegane feel emotions he’s not used to, such as… regret, and is that… sadness?

He’s helped along by Ser Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr, who tell him while they have no idea what they’re meant to do, the Lord of Light knows they’re meant to do something. The Hound then sees a vision in the flames, particularly impressive given his natural reticence to fire. It’s The Wall, and shambling dead zombie bastards, and there’s thousands of them… and oh shit, he’d better bury those nice farmers to make amends for his previously shitty behaviour.

You know the one gourmet dish I cook is a chicken recipe where I cover the pieces in heated brandy then set fire to the whole bally lot of them. I’ve never seen anything in the flames except for some scorch marks on the splashback. Denied.

And now for something completely different. Sam Tarly’s new song!

When you're alone, and life is making you lonely
You know you are there
When you are cleaning, in ways so demeaning
Like a chump you’re in
Just look around and see the Citadel is really gritty
Linger in the washroom scrubbing chamber pots so shitty
How can you win?
You should steal some Maester’s keys
You can sneak into the library, steal all that you please
So go
Get some good books in that
Try to help Jon from that
Gilly is waiting for you

That repeated montage (mon-Tarl-age? Yeah, ok, that’s a stretch) of Sam doing his entry-level Maester training was really cleverly done. Good bit of filmmaking that, well done team.

But hey, am I going blind or was that JIM BROADBENT as Sam’s friendly autopsy instructor? I loved the way he describe the corpse’s cause of death: a triumph of transitory pleasures. Oh man, I could do with some transitory pleasures. I’m such a nerd I don’t even drink properly. How can I possibly hit on that Game of Thrones trivia host who was dressed as Jon Snow without at least a chardy under my belt? Erm… did I write that out loud?

The point is, Sam doesn’t think anyone will believe him when he talks about the White Walkers. But the Post-Mortem Maester reminds him that the people of the Citadel are different. He also makes the valid point that every winter that has ever come has also gone. The prospect of helping end winter faster emboldens Sam to take the risk and break his way into the restricted section of the library and AMAZINGLY find the right kind of books straight away.

Later, Gilly helps him comb through the weighty tomes even though he probably needs his rest after shovelling diseased ordure all day (I hope he at least washed his hands before opening those books or playing with wee baby Sam).

If only one of those books included a description of "coffee".

He miraculously happens upon a very important piece of information, which is that Dragonstone is home to a shitload of shiny dragon glass, just buried and waiting for an incredibly handsome and noble King in the North to go there and dig it out with his strong, powerful hands that would give such good neck rubs if only I could convince him I exist.

“Jon must know!” Sam declares, before heading back to work.

Did anybody else FLIP THE F*** out when that stony arm came bursting through the isolation cell window? I KNEW Ser Jorah would wind up in Old Town! “Has she come yet, the Dragon Queen?” he asks hoarsely (does greyscale affect the vocal chords?) “Errr… no?” Sam replies, moving hurriedly on. For Gods’ sake Sam, stop and have a chat. I know he’s a diseased and intense old bugger, but he could HELP YOU.

Which brings us to the final sequence of this episode: Daenarys returning to Dragonstone.

The mise-en-scene was suitably grand and imposing for the prodigal daughter. Dany stopped on the beach to touch the sand of her home island. Like all other sand, it was wet and gritty. So she moved on, Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm at her side, up the long windy parapets to the castle.


Kudos to Dany for not even breaking a sweat despite those thick winter robes; if that were me I would have been panting “Show me...the throne room...what’s this Baratheon… banner…. Sorry does anyone have any water?”

Finally, she and Tyrion enter what was once Aegon’s RPG conquering table, but more recently was Stannis and Melisandre’s nookie desk. Placing herself at the head of the table, she glances at Tyrion and simply states “Shall we begin?”


It was a grand finale, although I have to admit that for me it didn’t quite match the visceral exuberance of Arya’s opening number. But then, what could?

Yay! Best Moments

Clearly Arya takes this one by a large bottle of the finest pinot gris. Also, I should mention that sweet little dinner break scene she shared with a gaggle of Lannister soldiers, including Ed Sheeran (as you do). Far from beating her, taking her sword or worse, they offer her food, drink and company, and basically turn out to be nice, everyday chaps just doing their bit to keep the peace. When Arya tells them she’s off to King’s Landing to kill the Queen, you just knew the tension would be broken by disbelieving laughter. Oh, you sweet summer children.

Zing! Best Lines

I have to give this to the Hound for his stinging rebuke on Thoros of Myr. “You’re not fooling anyone with that top knot, you bald c***”. Top knots, man buns, it’s a hipster hair haven here in Westeros.

Ew, gross

That Citadel is a turd-world facility.

Boo sucks

There’s… there’s not going to be any nudity at all this season, is there?

Thank you so much for reading, Beloved Throners, I know it’s been an epic long one. A special thanks to all my Patreon subscribers, particularly Vicki R, Mark B, Elle W, Paul K and Ghalia N. You are sexier than Tormund in bear fur. If you want to jump onboard the Patreon love train, head over here and pledge!

16 Responses to ‘GoT S7 E1 Raven On Recap: Dragonstone’

TheWah is gonna tell you...

Posted July 18, 2017
An undead Stampy? A ... Stampire?

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted July 18, 2017

Respond to this comment

Rhino would have you know...

Posted July 18, 2017
I, for one, celebrate the return of our recap overlord, the Mother of Kittens.

Bondiboy66 mutters...

Posted July 18, 2017
I shall join with you in toasting her return! Just not with any of that Arbor crap the Freys get served.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted July 18, 2017
Goon for all!

Respond to this thread

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted July 18, 2017
Its not Game of Thrones without your recaps. I have to politely disagree with you on one thing its the best line. thanks to the hound I now have a new reply when people at work asking me why I am always so grumpy.

"Why are you always in such a foul mood?"


TheWah ducks in to say...

Posted July 18, 2017
So many zingers in this episode.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted July 18, 2017
Pretty much everything The Hound said was gold.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm asserts...

Posted July 18, 2017
Although Sansa's 'No need to seize the last work Lord Baelish, I will assume it was something clever" is up there as well.

Respond to this comment

Jeats has opinions thus...

Posted July 18, 2017
No nudity....

Well - Winter has come after all.


Respond to this comment

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 18, 2017
I realised there WAS actually a bit of nudity .... but it was just the cut-open corpse on the Post-Mortem Maester's table. And let's just say rigor mortis had well and truly passed.

Respond to this comment

spankee puts forth...

Posted July 18, 2017
Arya was disguised as Fauxlder Frey.


I'll get my coat.

Respond to this comment

jl mutters...

Posted July 18, 2017
Love these recaps!

Respond to this comment

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted July 18, 2017
I watched the opening scene five times in a row.

You gotta give Littlefinger some respect, Nat. he is going to end up winning this Great Game.

Barnesm asserts...

Posted July 18, 2017
No need to seize the last work Lord Boylan, I will assume it was something clever.

Respond to this thread

Sparty is gonna tell you...

Posted July 18, 2017
Awesome, "Oldtown" was worth the price of admission alone (which I haven't paid Patreon the Iron Price yet but will ;-) .

Not quite in the same league but also fun, new Gay of Thrones recap on Funny or Die.

"........even Game of Thrones had a montage"

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'GoT S7 E1 Raven On Recap: Dragonstone'

Game of Thrones S7: The Top 9 Characters They Absolutely Cannot Kill Off Because Seriously I Won't Cope

Posted July 16, 2017 into Raven On by girlclumsy

The number of characters in Game of Thrones that we desperately want to see the back of is rapidly diminishing. Old Mate Euron Greyjoy has been hyped as the next Big Bad, but we’ll have to wait and see if he can match Ramsay Bolton for brutish psychopathy.

The downside of this is if there are fewer bad people to kill, our dear friends at HBO might start killing off…. gulp...our favourites. In some cases, we can sort-of-maybe-kind-of understand how death may be necessary: Can Ser Jorah survive his greyscale? Might Beric Dondarrion finally run out of lives? Might Jaime die at the hands of his girlfriend/blood relative?

But there are some characters who CANNOT, nay, MUST NOT be harmed. Every hair on their head is a blessing from the gods old and new, and I honestly will lose my shit if anything happens to them. Help me, HBO, you’re my only hope (of retaining some shred of dignity and not bawling like a recalcitrant toddler).

Jon Snow

You got him once. You're not getting him again. I mean it.

Arya Stark

The world's most reluctant lady is now a fearsome, not-to-be-messed with assassin. I'm honestly not sure how her story will play out this season - will she head straight for winterfell to reunite with Jon and Sansa, or will she head south from the Twins and try to take on cersei and finish off her infamous hit list? Will she at least get word to Winterfell to let them know she's alive?

Could she find a new travelling partner and create another one of the show's brilliant dynamic duos? Think Tyrion and Bronn, Jaime and Bronn, Jaime and Brienne, Brienne and Pod, and of course the Hound and Arya? Or will she make hundreds of fanboy theorists' dreams come true and reunite with her direwolf Nymeria? Whatever happens, we have all been onboard with Arya's revenge fantasy since she first starting reciting her to-kill list. Nothing must interfere.

Tyrion Lannister

Has there been a character who captured hearts and minds so immediately as Tyrion Lannister? From the moment we first saw him - fittingly, in a brothel - we have adored his wit, honesty, intelligence and occasionally even bravery.

He’s been disrespected, mistreated, put down, put upon, beaten up, backstabbed, front stabbed and threatened with cock removal - but here he is, newly minted Hand of the Queen and champion of House Targaryen.

There is conflict to come with his sister Cersei, now sitting pretty on the Iron Throne, and the current biggest obstacle for his new boss achieving her own career goals. There are of course those persistent rumours that Tyrion himself is more Targaryen than Lannister, but however that pans out, there will still be a reckoning.

Whatever happens, Tyrion defined the Game of Thrones, and so must prevail. I mean, he must… right? Despite everything that’s come before in this damn series, they surely, SURELY, cannot kill the dwarf… right?

Sansa Stark

It's possible Sansa has grown the most of any GoT character. Daenarys was a manipulated sister and wife early on, but quickly grew into her regal genetics. Jon was always noble, honorable and concerned with the bigger picture, and his brush with Death (oh to be Death just to brush him once) only intensified those drives. But Sansa has been through the wringer. From spoiled entitled princess brat, to prisoner plaything to a sadistic fiancé at King's Landing, to reluctant bride to Tyrion, prize chess piece for Littlefinger's desire, to survivor of brutal abuse at the hands of a psychotic monster - Sansa weathered all that and emerged one of the most fully rounded characters on the show.

Still a sensitive person, she has developed emotional armour by reconnecting hard with her Stark ancestry. It was she that forced Jon into action to retake Winterfell. It was Sansa who told Jon Rickon was lost the night before he was taken down by Ramsay's arrows. It was Sansa who overcame her revulsion at Littlefinger to cut a deal with him and get the Knights of the Vale to save the day at the Battle of the Bastards. I don't believe she will resent Jon for his elevation to King in the North, but I will understand if tension develops. Jon may have been stabbed six times and died, but Sansa suffered a death of a thousand cuts, and her rebirth has been epic. Long may she reign.

Davos Seaworth

Ned Stark was the moral heart of this world until it was stopped abruptly by the loss of another organ. Lucky then we had Ser Davos Seaworth able to pick up the beat from Season 2 onwards. The Onion Knight, one time smuggler turned surprise war hero and valued counsellor to Stannis Baratheon, is a truly good man when that is an undesirable and even dangerous quality to have. Indeed, it is one of Stannis' few redeeming features that despite his leap into Lord of Light crazy town, he retained Davos as an adviser. It's also one of Melisandre's redeeming features that she let him.

Davos' relationship with Shireen - she taught him to read, he made her feel special and valued when her parents couldn't be bothered - was one of the most tender we've seen on the show. His rage upon discovering how she died was tempered by true heartbreak over the loss of a good child, the real bright spark Stannis should have valued.

With Stannis gone, Davos offered his services to Jon Snow, recognising in him at once the sort of leadership and determination that Stannis had once had, but which had been twisted. It is Davos we have to thank for bringing Jon back in the first place - despite his eminent practicality and religious scepticism, it is he who asks Kate Bush "Hey, know any magic...?"

I cannot imagine him anywhere now but by Jon's side, the barometer of bullshit, a practical pragmatic with a rough charm that works a treat on brave but cautious people (case in point: Lyanna Mormont). Kill him off, and there will be tears - no onions necessary.

Sam Tarly

By all rights Sam Tarly should not have made it out of Season 1 alive. If Ser Alliser Thorne had had his way, he would have been a real-life punching (and stabbing) bag for trainee Black Brothers. But where’s Ser Alliser now? Food for worms after his treasonous attack on our most precious. And where’s Sam? Doing his best Disney princess frolic in the world’s biggest library.

Along the way, he has used his clever noggin to rescue Gilly and her bub, and work out that obsidian glass could be used to kill White Walkers (although admittedly that was an accident. But he kept calm in a crisis, and that counts).

When Jon sent him off at the end of Season 5 to become the new Maester of the Night’s Watch, he knew only Sam would have the smarts to figure out what other skills/equipment might be handy in helping stave off the end of the world. And he was smart enough to nick off with Heartsbane (or more suitably as we’ve dubbed it, “Heartsbae”) during a side trip with Gilly to the Tarly ancestral home Horn Hill.

While we may wish we were a Jon or a Dany, we are actually all Sam. We’re the ones who aren’t physically perfect, we’re not natural warriors or leaders, but damnit we a half-decent brain and a sense of curiosity and we get things done. Occasionally we have our own little hero moment, such as when Sam left Gilly at Horn Hill for approximately 13 seconds, before changing his mind and declaring they stick together, no matter what.

That’s why Sam’s entrance into the Oldtown library spoke volumes (look at that pun!). It was an achievable goal, something we could recognise in our own lives. Sam was a smart guy; his Xanadu was that library. Maybe ours is something different - a new job, a fitness goal, a pay rise, a positive Tinder date. It’s something grand when it happens, and because it’s not out of the realm of possibility, we keep on truckin’ ‘til we get it.

Tormund Giantsbane and Brienne of Tarth

Clearly these two are incredibly important in their own right but it’s the tantalising possibility of something sexy happening between them that makes it vitally important both of them stay very much alive.

Tormund is the ferocious ginger warrior wildling; Brienne is the ferocious blonde warrior woman. Brienne was once forced to fight a bear; Tormund claims to have f***ed a bear. Both support a Stark (R + L = J be damned, that Snow is Stark, not Targaryen), which shows good judgement. Both enjoying carving the crap out of bad guys, which makes them eminently deserving of all the screen time.

By all rights we should have seen the attraction coming, but when Brienne rode through the gates of Castle Black causing Tormund to drop his jaw in awe, the whole internet roared with collective thirsty YES! THIS! BY THE GODS, THIS! This was a hole we didn’t know we needed filling. I won’t joke that Brienne is the same - sure, we want her to go there, but we want her to be into it.

Of course the spanner in the works of Tormienne is Jaime Lannister, Brienne’s one time prisoner/travel companion. He retains a grudging affection for the straight-laced Tarth fighter, as evidenced by their most recent, almost tender, farewell at Riverrun. But Jaime’s back in King’s Landing now with his twincester, the new Mad (as Hell) Queen. Brienne will head for Winterfell and Sansa, where Tormund awaits, hoping she’ll throw him a bone… of meat, which he will devour lasciviously in front of her.

I’ll even be fine if Tormienne continues as one-sided sexual tension. I just want to see it, all of it, every last drop of it, and so they must both live. We Game of Thrones fans are nothing if not romantic.

Lyanna Mormont


Beloveds, from this Monday (eeeeek!) I will be posting my recaps here at the 'Burger for all to read for free. However, if you would like to support these recaps, you can jump onboard my Patreon train here and pledge a minimum of $1 per recap. If you do, you will be super sexy and a dynamite in the bedroom. It's just science. Thank you to Beloved Patrons Alannah, Lorna R, Brendan C, Anthony S and Holly R for your amazing support. Much sticky dragon love. MoK. xoxo

11 Responses to ‘Game of Thrones S7: The Top 9 Characters They Absolutely Cannot Kill Off Because Seriously I Won't Cope’

Barnesm mutters...

Posted July 16, 2017
Excellent recap as ever Girl Clumsy, might I suggest Beric Dondarrion is quite safe since in a recent interview George RR Martin revealed he is a fire wight. The binary opposite to the Ice wights raised by the Night Kight king. Consequently, I presume only to be killed by an equivalent to dragon glass or valerian steel.

Respond to this comment

Ashley has opinions thus...

Posted July 16, 2017
Love the thoughts- looking forward to the show! Just a thought - since Gendry is all but back from the dead - do you think he will be the one who knows how to create Valyrian steel - and hence performs a critical role?

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted July 16, 2017
I've heard whispers of this possible return of Gendry - I'm onboard, let's get his shirt off and ironmonger some Valyrian Steel for all.

Respond to this thread

Rob would have you know...

Posted July 16, 2017
At least half of this list should die.

Too many cliches are starting to grow, the original razor sharpness of GoT has declined into sitcom/rom com territory.

Arya Stark and Jon The Emo Snow top the list.

And Lyanna Mormont?


Another ridiculous spoilt child.

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted July 16, 2017

Victa swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 16, 2017
Far, far away!

Respond to this thread

sousy wench asserts...

Posted July 16, 2017
While my brain mostly agrees with you, I'll still be crushed if most of these characters bite it.

I vehemently disagree regarding Lyanna Mormont. If Bran (everything is his fault) or Rickon (fucking zig zag), were half as awesome as the Pady of Bear island, Winterfell wouldn't have fallen at all. (Blocks ears and hums to keep out any logical rebuttals).

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted July 16, 2017
Lyanna is awesome, nobody can take that away from us!

Respond to this comment

Dean has opinions thus...

Posted July 17, 2017

Dean reckons...

Posted July 17, 2017
Hmmm link text not active, but it's a Top 10 death predictions for S7 (not mine)

Respond to this thread

Blue reckons...

Posted July 17, 2017
On the contrary - many of those people sadly, tragically, must die. It's what makes GOT GOT. Ned, Rob, Caitlyn, Grey Wolf, Lady, Shireen... if all these characters were still alive the show would be far less impactful.

The only characters that must survive to the endgame are Daenerys, Jon Snargaryen, and the Night's King.

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'Game of Thrones S7: The Top 9 Characters They Absolutely Cannot Kill Off Because Seriously I Won't Cope'

One Week.. 'til GOT

Posted July 10, 2017 into Raven On by girlclumsy

There is ONE WEEK TO GO until Game of Thrones returns, as we can all marvel in the visual spectacle, the compelling drama and the taut thrillingness of Jon Snow's abs (and everything else).

To mark the occasion, I have written a little ditty celebrating my joy at the upcoming Season Seven.

To the tune of the 1998 classic, One Week by the Barenaked Ladies:

It is one week 'til my favourite show
Hits my TV again
Thank you HBO
One week 'til I get to see
The Mother of Dragons act out my fantasies
One week til my dear Jon Snow
Deals with knowing more than nothing that he didn’t know
Yesterday, it was agony
But now it’s only one week ‘til winter is coming

Hold me now and see Darth Cersei
With brother Jaime
Working out their giant map plan
They are in deep at the Keep
With enemies ready to sweep
They like the Mountain
‘Cause he’s now a giant zombie man

Hot like a dragon gotta face facts
The throne’s a contract
And Cersei thinks she’s a player
But that fortune from a frog witch
Could be a real bitch
And Jaime is a Kingslayer

Gonna make a turn to Dragonstone
I yearn to see Dany return and make 'em burn
Cause she’s the finest f***ing Queen Bee
She torched the Masters at Meereen
Like a real machine it was a scene
More schnikt and mean than Wolverine
She’s so amazing, man
I wish I had her C.V.

How can I help it if I think you’re handsome when you’re dead
Trying hard not to cry at your sweet head
I’m the kinda gal who worships a junk mound
Can’t understand what that is?
Here’s some background
I have a tendency to wear my love on my sleeve
I have a history of stalking Jon Snow

It is one week 'til he looks at me
Dead no more but still f***ing deadly
One week 'til he tackles me
With his honour and poise, he’s so f***ing broody
It is one week 'til the afternoon
When the Night’s Watch commander causes me to f***ing swoon
Yesterday I just dreamed in awe
About how I just might get my hands on his Longclaw


That dick at the diner knows The Hound likes chicken
Brienne beat him up, but he just kept tickin’
Helped by but couldn’t help a cleric
He then met Beric
And got back in with the Brotherhood
Like Arya Stark he’s got a purpose
Hang out with Thoros
Like chillies, gonna set the world on fire
With flaming swords they’re on edge now
Form a wedge now
And you just might get out of a quagmire

Gotta ring my bell at Winterfell
See where Ramsay fell and had
His own starving dogs eat his face and chew on his hamstring
Gotta get a glare with Mormont bear
Cause Lyanna’s stare has got the loom and the lords may be
Keen to hail a new king

How can I help it if I think Sansa is just the best?
Trying hard not to say she’s like Baelish
I’m the kinda gal who loves Tormund Giantsbane
Can’t understand what I mean?
It’s that mane
He has the tendency to battle hard and bite off ears
He has a history of ogling Brienne

It is one week 'til the Onion Knight
Will know if banning Melisandre was right
One week and we’ll see it’s true
Tyrion will drink just like we thought he was gonna do
One week 'til I get to see
My favourite man bun and abs staring back at me
Yesterday, it was fantasy
But my dreams have come back as my reality

My dreams have come back as my reality
Don’t judge me please, I swear I’m not crazy
OK, maybe, I’m a little bit crazy

Starting from next week, I'll be posting my Raven On recaps here at the 'Burger after each and every episode. They're free to read, but if you want to support, you can jump onboard my Patreon campaign and pledge just $1 per episode ($7 for the season). Thanks to Beloved Patreons Hazel F, Bernard W, Jessica Y, Owen T and Patrick C for your ab-tastic support. Love, MoK. xoxo

8 Responses to ‘One Week.. 'til GOT’

Tarryn K is gonna tell you...

Posted July 10, 2017
I don't know who to throw money at, but I need someone to sing and release this!!!

Also nice work shoehorning in the junkmound ;D

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted July 10, 2017
Oh MAN, I wish I could shoehorn in that junkmound.

Respond to this comment

Lorn swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 10, 2017
I'm with Tarryn K, when's this getting released! Love it!

Respond to this comment

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted July 10, 2017
That's brilliant Nat, now you just have to put it to music and a kick ass filmclip with Game of Thrones rather than eighties references.

Respond to this comment

Bernie swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 10, 2017
I'm excited!

Respond to this comment

Kraven asserts...

Posted July 11, 2017
JunkMOUND! Somebody please make this a video for me.

Respond to this comment

Don Bagert is gonna tell you...

Posted July 12, 2017
Game of Thrones is opposite Twin Peaks in the USA, how about in Australia?

Barnesm mutters...

Posted July 12, 2017
Twin Peaks is only on our STAN streaming service so no competition.

Respond to this thread

Respond to 'One Week.. 'til GOT'