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The Magpie War

Posted September 22, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

My neighbours have feeding magpies, probably to open a second front after they unleashed legions of scrub turkeys on my back yard.

They went away recently and the stupid birds turned up on my back deck demanding a feed. When it wasn't forthcoming, they invaded. Every day now I have to drive them from the house.

Details at Blunty.

16 Responses to ‘The Magpie War’

insomniac puts forth...

Posted September 22, 2015
Recent research has pointed to a magpie remembering a person's behaviour towards said magpie for a period of up to 5 years, and as such attacking that person again and again until they submit or move to another state, so flashing your pink sword at the invaders will not help your cause one iota.
On a related note, when I put old bread out for the birds, it is the rosellas and cockatoos that get dibs, while the magpies and Indian mynas are forced to stalk the feeding flock, walking around and around hoping for a loose crumb or two. So in the spirit of ecological meddling by scientists, or indeed the old lady who swallowed a fly, what you need is a flock of cockatoos.

Naughty Peanut is gonna tell you...

Posted September 22, 2015
So, you're saying a flock of cocks beats a pink sword?

dweeze puts forth...

Posted September 23, 2015
Try beating your pink sword in Oxford St and you may just end up with a flock of cocks.

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Bangar has opinions thus...

Posted September 22, 2015
Well what can I say, I have chooks the only birds stupid enough to try for a feed are little sparrows and pigeons, for some reason the pigeons have stopped visiting tactics taken from ancient wars "may" have been involved.I have never seen one of the smarter birds trap themselves inside a one way enclosure.

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dweeze mumbles...

Posted September 23, 2015
Natural nature is dirty, messy and smells funky. Human nature is ditry, messy and very funky which is why the civilised world invented concrete, plastic and antiseptic arse wipes.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon is gonna tell you...

Posted September 23, 2015
I live in contentment with my magpie overlords. We are in agreement: i don't feed them, they don't get cranky when their food source goes on holidays.

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insomniac asserts...

Posted September 23, 2015
Have you tried talking to them? There is a poem by Dennis Glover called The Magpies. Basically you need to start out by saying "quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle".

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted September 23, 2015
All kidding aside, are magpie's edible?

I will never forget the supreme disappointment I experienced when I learned that bush turkeys can't be cooked in any manner that will render them edible. Are you laughing, God? Sick bastard. A bird that big, that plentiful, that stupid and you can't eat it. That aint right.

insomniac mumbles...

Posted September 23, 2015
Apparently the answer is yes.

Bangar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 23, 2015
I believe the bush turkey recipe involves a rock ...

NBlob mumbles...

Posted September 23, 2015
I've seen duck, chickens, ostriches & emu farmed. I wonder about Moa.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted September 24, 2015
Moa? I thought they were eaten into extinction.

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted September 24, 2015
For cooking techniques, maybe we can look to Iceland where smoked Puffin breast remains a favourite. As a matter of general interest, the modern Icelander also enjoys minke whale served as kebabs, in steak form, seared like tuna etc.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted September 25, 2015
Whale be good eatin. But best when eaten live.

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David Sher puts forth...

Posted October 9, 2015
Have the magpies drawn blood yet? I was once told by someone who used to be a friend that they prefer to attack visitors because they do like the taste of beer in the locks' blood. Possibly this means you are safe.

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A history teacher retires

Posted September 8, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From the Instrument.

There was a time I could make 50 cents go a long way. A bag of 25 cobbers. Or five potato scallops from the Greek seafood place. Or a whole heap of second-hand comics. Back then 50 cents was the high rollers' coin. Pimp money. That coin had real weight and presence. It gave a man … options.

I was thrilled to find I'd come into a lazy 50 at the end of my first year of high school, taped to a greeting, card by my home room teacher, a young and long-haired cove with an impish smile and an unrivalled back catalogue of bell-bottomed pants. I swear he had every pair that survived the great hippy purge at the end of the 1970s.

You know where to get the rest.

4 Responses to ‘A history teacher retires’

insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted September 8, 2015
My equivalents are STEM teachers, science mostly. At 15 the teacher wrote a thermodynamics equation on the board, something like HX = EX where X is the same but H and E are different. He was as confused as fuck, but now I can explain what all of that means and write a proof for it as well.

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Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted September 9, 2015
My history teachers in high school were all coaches and not worth a damn. Like Insomniac, the better teachers in high school were all science teachers.
Regardless of subject, fortunate is the one who gets an excellent teacher at least once in their lives.

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Lulu mutters...

Posted September 9, 2015
I had an English teacher like that for 2 years, when I was 13 & 14. He was also the school's junior rugby coach, and English lessons often included discussions of scores, games, suggested dirty tactics for the scrum, etc. Despite that, both boys & girls thought he was an great teacher. He frequently taught us the same material as his senior classes, so we ended up with excellent grammar and a rather closer acquaintance with the works of Jorge Luis Borges than is usually expected from 13-year-olds.

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Brother PorkChop reckons...

Posted September 9, 2015
I had a wonderful relief teacher in the 70s at primary school called Mr Cravola. I would guess he has passed on by now but I remember his lessons - he taught us Latin, not so much the Latin itself but the origin of words and how you could break them down and figure out the meaning.He also taught art which I usually hated but with him, it was different. I know we spent one whole period learning how to draw a circle or an oval. He was in my opinion quite amazing.I had an English teacher at high school that spent 2 periods of English discussing with us in grade 9 the meaning, origins and use of the word "fuck". His name was Victor Vladimir Illich and he named named by his commies under bed parents after a Sov. Interesting man with a great teaching style.

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A Special Offer from Nigeria

Posted September 1, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From: Jbimba Jbirming'm Lagos-Nigeria Tel: 234-80-34069502

VITAL CORRESPONDENCE FOR MR DYSON HEYDON

Dear Sir

This letter is not intended to cause any of the embarrassment but just to contact your esteemed self – following upon my recent knowledge of your high repute and trustworthiness.

Advertisement

I am Jbimba Jbirming'm, the son of the late Nigerian Head of State who sadly died of fatal reasons on the 8th of June 2015. You are being the fine fellow about whom so much is being said on the Internet and satellite news channels which we get here in Lagos when the weather is fine. I am pleased sir, to make the acquaintance of another as well known, esteemed and I must presume as wealthy as myself.

If you are conversant with world news, you will understand better that I got your contacts through my personal research and diligence on the internet where so many people speak so highly and so much of you as a man with excellent contacts.

More at Blunty, upon receipt of your credit card details...

15 Responses to ‘A Special Offer from Nigeria’

Dave W mutters...

Posted September 1, 2015
I received one of these as well, but then I forgot about it, and I didn't think it was important enough to worry about it, and then when I was reminded, I didn't think that I should worry about the attachments. Finally, when I was reminded about the attachments I cancelled the order, but was insulted that anyone would think that I had done that because of any risk of my decision-making being questioned. How dare they?

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 1, 2015
I am very much interesting in you offer, but I has been dialling the telephony conveyance number provided by you, and there is no answer. Please be telling me how I may be contacting your good self for me to taking advantage of you wonderful offer.

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Therbs ducks in to say...

Posted September 1, 2015

I am truly excited by this wonderful opportunity from such a fine individual as yourself. I believe my church can be of assistance in this matter. My church however restricts its financial transactions to those who belong to the church.

If you are interested in becoming a member of our church please provide a photograph of yourself holding a sign with the message,

" TO NY ABBOTIS AWAN K BAD GER"

Also please provide a carving of a black necked spitting cobra which will become a symbol of your branch of our church.

Yours in anticipation

Rev Therbs,

Doshmaster

Church of The Holy Pocket



Lulu ducks in to say...

Posted September 1, 2015
Rev Therbs, I have a picture with a poster saying "PY NEIS A CO CKS NAP". Does that meet your requirements?


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GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted September 1, 2015
Dear Jbimba Jbirming'm,Sir, it has been brought to our attention, (via rigorous, enthusiastic forensic investigation of the Opposition, sic; Fairfax) that you have been in direct digital contact with 'our man', the Honourable Dyson Heydon.

After consultations with our respected Donor Contact list and esteemed Legal Advisors we want you to cease and desist any further procurement of the services of 'our man', as he cannot be bought, coerced, compelled, dictated to, cajoled, inveigled and/or enticed into any activity not deemed to have passed muster under the relevant bylaws of the Fundraising Executive, which is totally not an arm of the LNP.

If you persist in attempting to gain a profit, advantage, upper-hand, eminence, superiority and/or leverage without our express permission and having registered a booking on the social events calendar we will be forced to take action in the court of public opinion - NewsCorp publications.

By the way what kind of a name is Jbimba, sounds like a made-up nom de plume, designed to obscure identify, not to provide clarity and circulation of the air.

Further contact on this matter should be directed to the Editor of The Australian - who would be able to offer impartial advice on this issue as you are clearly unaware of the intricacies of democracy and Ozcracy in particular.

President of the Fundraising Executive Sub-CommitteeNot of the LNPBut of Concerned Legal Citizens






dweeze puts forth...

Posted September 1, 2015
Mr/Mrs/Mx Esteemed President,
I should be liking to join your Not of the LNPButt Party. Pleas to be advising of wear I can deposit my winnings form defamation case with NewsCrap.
Dweeze NotOnBongo (JustYet).

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GhostSwirv mutters...

Posted September 1, 2015

Dear Dweeze,

One just doesn't ask to join the Not of the LNP Party, (insert Butt code-word here), one has to be invited after careful perusal of the facts of your financial and societal bona fides.

To expedite the process can you advise as to when you last made a North Shore deposit, no need to mention if any conversations took place with any Federal member.

Defamation cases are our pate de foie gras - we don't mind where the money stream is forthcoming, just as long as its not on our books.

The President



dweeze puts forth...

Posted September 1, 2015
Viva El Presidente,

Please be forgiving me for not to understand your member ship process. Butt-kiss is not my firstest language.
I have been spent trillions in Monopoly, taken dumps in Roseville, and once spat at a Federale. Do this count?
I know a something about brown envelopes and bulges, if that be helping.

Yore Humboldt savant...
D.

insomniac reckons...

Posted September 1, 2015
Dear Mr Signor Dweeze,
Do not be putting your trusts in the man claiming to be the President of the Not of the LNP Butt Party. He is an imposter trying pull a SCAMP on you. He is merely the third cousin of the man whom picks up our droppings as we strut around the party room. I am not claiming to be the true el Presidente, but I do know him very well through my connections. I can of course verify this information for a small fee, which you can pay into our account at the Royal Bank of Columbia.
Your firend
Meister insomniac.

GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted September 1, 2015
Nein, nein, nein, 9 !!!!

Do not beliebe him mein GruppenFuhrer Dweeze ... I am ze reeellll Prezident!

All payments must to Argentina, not to those coffee fiends in Columbina!

dweeze mutters...

Posted September 1, 2015
Sirs,

You scamper's now have me more confused than a LGBTQIABCXYZ.

I have made consult with the oracle and under advice to send all assets to Mnsr. Jbirming'm immediate for safekeeping.

I have no trust in Colombos anyway. He looks shifty and ruffled.

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Halwes puts forth...

Posted September 1, 2015
More jihadist propaganda. You are really cruelling your chances at a lucrative Chritopher Pyne biography gig.I can imagine that you'd have to immerse yourself entirely in the subject to get the job done right though.

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ChrisB has opinions thus...

Posted September 2, 2015
Y'all are too late, I already gave him all my information. My money is well on the way. See'ya suckers! I'm buying a Caddy for every day of the week!

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Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted September 3, 2015
Helloooo Brother JBimba
Where's my fucking cut of all this you mangy son of a syphilitic camel shagging goat loving cheese boy?
Yours in Brotherly Love as usual
JBongoWTF!! JBongo. Mums gonna shit bricks Bru. Hows about some fush n chups tomozza night?

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WarDog swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 11, 2015

It's a shame he died from fatal reasons.

There's a cure for that now.

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Thinky blog

Posted August 18, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Perhaps it's not Tony Abbott. Maybe it wasn't Julia Gillard, or Kevin Rudd. It might not even have been Mark Latham. (Spoiler, it was totally Mark Latham).

But Latham aside, the pity and madness of modern politics might not be the singular fault of a bizarre onion-eating Paleo-reactionary like Abbott, or a narcissistic personality disorder in search of ego validation… paging, well, pretty much all of them.

The pity and madness of modern politics might just be how we do politics now. It was not always thus.


At the Instrument.

8 Responses to ‘Thinky blog’

insomniac reckons...

Posted August 18, 2015
If we can't get rid of parties, can we at least get rid of political staffers taking over from the incumbents. Anyone who hasn't had a real job for x number of years should be disqualified from standing. We might just get some sensible people in parliament rather than a bunch of toadies. How refreshing is it to see people like Muir and Lambie, and to some extent Turnbull; people who have some idea of the real world? If you can get a bunch of people into parliament, who sit somewhere between Muir and Turnbull, the country would be humming along nicely.
must... rest... brain... now...

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pitpat swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 18, 2015

Now the we are all webbed up in our own weave.

Participatory ( shudder) democracy anyone?

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pi ducks in to say...

Posted August 18, 2015
How about the NCP? The Non-Crazy party? Or how about the EBP? The Evidence-Based Party? A platform of supporting bills that are backed up by evidence. Now there's an idea. This, of course, is never going to happen.

So what about another method. Advertising for elections, times, places, locations, mediums, is paid for by government based upon your support in the populace. Do a cracker in an election, you get more advo bucks (or more importantly, more prime-time exposure) the next time around. Then chuck in a truth in journalism requirement, and you'll clear out some of the worst of the bile-filled wankers on both sides. More let's face it, on the rupert side, but that might just be me.

Our politics reflects our media habits. It is fractured, because our media is fractured. More languages, more cultures, more people switching off of news and main-stream information and entertainment every day. Our people don't have the same identifiable groups and organisations that forced politicians to take note when they are ass-hats anymore. More often than not, the largest groups remaining are groups of ass-hats who've never found anything more entertaining to do.

It would seem Aldous Huxley was right.

WarDog swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2015

+1 for the EBP

This is really how politics is meant to work.

Pollies are then responsible for explaining and selling the best EB policy to the people.

But I suspect it is a bridge too far.

Bring on the AIs. Handball it all to them. We can't do it any worse.

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NBlob mumbles...

Posted August 19, 2015
Thinky blog good. Must not sink with only 3 comments. Reminds me of a BarnesM rant about the future of public libraries blog.

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S.M. Stirling swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
The founders of the US also disliked political parties, but got them anyway.
Parties exist to articulate bodies of opinion and interest; they're alliances to get a platform enacted.
Nobody can get -everything- they want. A party enables you to get the maximum possible number of things on your bucket list.
If coalitions had to be renegotiated for every vote, not only would politics lurch about, but the corruption level would skyrocket -- as it does in proportional-representation systems, where something like that happens all the time.
Of all the systems, the least-bad is a parliamentary system with constituencies and Australian-rules preferred voting. Compulsory attendance is also a good idea.
Horrible as it may be to contemplate, the current Australian system is probably the best possible.

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Murphy_of_Missouri asserts...

Posted August 20, 2015
Optimates and Populares.

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Classvtony would have you know...

Posted September 18, 2015
I live in the US and occasionally follow Australian politics. It's nice to know Australia has its share of Trumpty Dumpties.

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#ReclaimAustria

Posted July 28, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

I was searching for a Blunty topic, not having much luck with the news cycle, and thinking it was going to be a toss up between Quade Cooper's tweet (and the need to for everyone to be given one Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card on the Internet). Or Jimmy Barnes vs Reclaim Australia.

Neither really appealed, but then with one typo, I had my column.

"Do they not love Austria? Do they not want real Austrians to reclaim their birthright of legacy, while rocking out to Working Class Man, or wiping away a poignant tear about the horses on the beach song. That was a John Farnham one, right? The horses on the beach song? The beach which is now so crowded with the luxury boats of millions of brown boat people that there's not even enough room now for dinkum Austrian heritage horses to gambol about and recreate the charge of the Light Brigade at Beersheba."

At Blunty.

4 Responses to ‘#ReclaimAustria’

FormerlyKnownAsSimon ducks in to say...

Posted July 28, 2015
What no trolls this time? Or are the troll cannons working to order?

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insomniac mumbles...

Posted July 28, 2015
Just as an aside, Quade Cooper was born in the town in New Zealand that I grew up in. Our times there did not overlap but I don't want anyone thinking poorly of me as a result of that loose association.

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GhostSwirv reckons...

Posted July 28, 2015
Mein Gott - Now I get it, the Arnie real estate ads were a prelude to invasion.

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Shifty Tourist has opinions thus...

Posted July 29, 2015

I'm not necessarily a fan of Cooper, he's part of the kick-away hard won possession, school of Rugby, which is deeply frustrating. But to be honest, If I were a professional sportsman, having to listen to the constant chattering from the peanut gallery for the entirety of your career about whether I should be selected for the team, my performance, that I'm past my peak, not as good as XXXX for the position, I think you should get a free-kick back against the peanuts now and then.

It must be terrible thing about those kind of jobs, unlike the rest of us, the entire public gets to comment on your work performance. Not saying there are not some massive benefits to compensate for this.... but they should be able to tell people to pull their heads in occasionally.

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Harden the fuck up, Brisbane

Posted July 14, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

16 Responses to ‘Harden the fuck up, Brisbane’

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted July 14, 2015
I'm still waiting to be sucked down the polar vortex. The weather here has been nice. The coldest it's been so far is 10°C overnight. Beautiful, clear, intensely blue skies during the day. If you avoid a wind funnel area, in the sun there have been plently of people wandering around in short sleeve shirts.

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Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted July 14, 2015
When you get two feet of snow, call and talk to me about cold.

Living on the train tracks of the Siberian Express in North America,Murph
The Resentful

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted July 14, 2015
They honestly have no idea of how good they have it, Murph. Believe me, I know. All I heard was complaints about the air not being quite clean enough, the river not being quite beautiful enough and the lifestyle not manifesting just the right balance between sloth and relaxation.

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Havoc puts forth...

Posted July 14, 2015
Jesus effing wept, pussies the fkn lot I say. Mate up here where I am at the moment in Cudgewa ( that’s about 10 minutes from |Corryong ) where they have the MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER GIG and thaey be hard as fkn nails, we go into COOL ROOMS of 1 degree to GET FKN WARM!
YOUR lot of BGB ( that’s BIG GIRLS BLOUSES) up there get a shift south of 10 degrees and they be screaming their collective….boobies off!
NOW..when I WNET TO SCHOOL in the WIMMERA…on me bike, I tells ya.MADE THIS SHITE LOOK REAL FKN TRIVIAL I SAY..NO MITTNED, GLOVES BEANINES AND ALL THAT OTHER GEAR. JUST FKN MAN TOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

insomniac reckons...

Posted July 14, 2015
I concur. It's still t-shirt weather here on the NSW south coast.

dweeze mumbles...

Posted July 14, 2015
Me bro-in-law reports that Dunedin standard year round uniform is shorts and a beanie. Them Southern Kiwis must be 'ard. Just hit 2.5 degrees C here in the Strathbogie Ranges - bloody heat wave is on again.

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HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted July 14, 2015
YEP, sure enough the arsehats at death start stupid rejected the comment, left this just now, its prolly gunna get fkn canned by thye shit heads as well.

NOW I had better change my ways, or the very fluffy nice and PC person who holds sway over the SPAM Button and whom does not want me to offend or post here will most certainly drop the ban hammer on this comment. Actually the last three have been sent to the bin would you believe. Its gotta be a girl in a pink dress and with pigtails I reckon. Actually that might offend so I take it back...kinda, its most likely a bloke/girl cross dressing perhaps not might only eat m,eat and may then only uses air type person I guess.

Either way. You Queenslanders are pussies *( that might also offend) , the Queenslanders word that is, oops did it again. HARDEN UP

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Halwes is gonna tell you...

Posted July 14, 2015
Freezing our arses off here too. Down to 23 degrees with a wind chill of about minus 20 I reckon. Overnight an unheard of 14 degrees

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Dave W swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 14, 2015
What, Brisbane is cold? Ahhhh, these must be people who've never visited Canberra.

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Rob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 14, 2015
STFU Queensland.Sincerely Tasmania.
PS the pussy vortex went around our island.PPS ha haha

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damian reckons...

Posted July 14, 2015
It's terrible, I tell you, I actually saw someone wearing a jumper.

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AuntyLou mumbles...

Posted July 14, 2015
Well I wish to register a complaint! I have an unreasonable number of both scarves and winter coats for a born and bred Queenslander... And I have been gyped(is that correct?) again!! On the Gold Coast & assured of a very frightening "polar blast from the coldest place on earth" & ended up in short sleeves at Surfers. We even went to Europe in February just to get me some proper winter weather & my long johns came back unworn! I can't catch a break. If any of you Burgers need a cold spell broken... let me know. Sure I can bring the heat ( ooh err!that sounds a bit rude..shut up old woman & put that wine glass down!) Anyway, back to being slightly over warm...

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JG swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 15, 2015
Haha. Another classic, JB. Love this piece. I agree: Brisbanites are soft re cold weather. I grew up in Canberra where the winter nights got down to minus 6 Celsius at times. Just a mild, slightly chilly but refreshing morning in Brisbane this morning at 4 degrees Celsius. Pfft. Joanna

Dave W puts forth...

Posted July 15, 2015
Hey JG, I'm on the push-bike to work in those -6c mornings here in Canberra. Cyclists scoff at the soft motorists who complain about how cold it is (once our fingers and toes have thawed out, that is).

damian would have you know...

Posted July 15, 2015
I used to ride my bike around Canberra a lot. Polar-fleece lined fingerless wool gloves, a cotton jumper with a shirt and tshirt under and a scarf, jeans, Rivers "aviator" boots... minus 6 wasn't a big deal like that (unless it was really windy). Of course now I live in Brisbane it's the same outfit with but with a woollen jumper and a jacket over to walk the dog in the just-above-zero pre-dawn. And a jacket for the dog too (of course). Soft? Meh, older and disinclined to care.

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Trashman puts forth...

Posted July 15, 2015

It's the height of summer here in sunny Scotland. Max Temp today is 15C (T-Shirt weather!). The best we've had locally this year is about 25C in between torrential rain - humidity off the chart.

We actually had night frosts fairly regularly up until late June.

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