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Raven On Game of Thrones Recap: S6E3 "Oathbreaker"

Posted May 10, 2016 into Raven On by girlclumsy

Spoilers! Only read on if you've seen Game of Thrones S6E3.

Four words.

JON SNOW’S BUTTOCK CREVICE.

Hoooooh, boy. All hail the supremacy of the televisual medium.

George R.R. Martin is a fine writer, but not even a bastard hybrid child of Wordsworth and Sir Mix-a-Lot could conjure up verse that would adequately describe the magnificence of those sweet cheeks.

No, it was best left to the camera to really hug the smooth, toned curves, the surprisingly-tanned-for-such-a-cold-climate surfaces, and that deep, beckoning central line of intrigue.

The curvature, the musculature…. Dang, by any nomenclature that was a fine posterior.

The shot may have been less than a second long, but that’s why we have the pause button, people. Don’t tell me you didn’t rent Basic Instinct on VHS and try to jog shuttle the leg-crossing bit.

#Junkmound out. #Buttockcrevice in.

Oh wait. Wait. I’m being sexist again. I’m sorry, hetero fellas. Clearly the matriarchy is at it again. But you know me, I’m an equal opportunity ogler, and you’ve had lady bumps all up in your grill since this show began. I believe this is my first set of buttocks since Bangin’ Robb Stark back in Season 3.

I had to search "Robb Stark naked" to find this image. I very much advise
against doing that. People are into some messed up stuff.

Now if a narrative structure that starts with some fine booty and ends with a metaphorical mic drop is good enough for every Beyonce video clip ever, it’s good enough for Game of Thrones. What I loved even more about this episode (if possible) was how all the stuff between those two things was amazing too.

It started out with a lot of promise, and kept that going throughout. The line between succeeding and failing became blurred, and you couldn’t quite tell whether breaking or keeping a promise was the right thing to do.

Season 6, Episode 3: “Oathbreaker”

Ahhh, Jon Snow. I finally understand why the Dothraki’s favourite term of endearment is “moon of my life”.

The poor fellow was rather traumatised by his return to the realm of the living (well, mostly), and it probably didn’t help to wake up to Davos’ face staring at him intently. I almost asked aloud “Why hasn’t he popped a blankie over Jon to keep him warm?” until I realised what I was saying and slapped myself quiet again.

Eventually Davos realised Jon was naked and trembling and proffered his own furry robe for comfort (wa-hay) just as Melisandre entered. The Red Woman looked remarkably restrained for someone who not only just resurrected the dead, but was also the first woman to top the UK pop charts with a self-penned song.

“What do you remember?” probed Davos. Not even a “Hey buddy, you’re back, good to see you,” or “This is totally like those horror movies where you think they’re dead, but then they come back all like RARRRR and you almost pee your pants.”

Jon’s famous last word - “Olly” - here becomes almost his first word back. Jon’s face as he remembered his steward’s betrayal was so sad. Fair enough, Jon probably expected Ser Alliser Trump to shiv him one day, but for Olly to stick a knife in your heart… well, that really sticks a knife in your heart.

Unfortunately Jon can’t help out Melisandre with her request to know what was beyond death. “Nothing,” Jon replied, thrilling Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens’ ghost. But Melisandre is still convinced that someone has to be The Prince That Was Promised, so visions or no, that might as well be Jon.

Davos, for his part, is far more pragmatic. “It’s completely f***ing mad,” he says, before telling Jon it’s best not to look for answers, but rather get on with job of kicking ass and blowing bubblegum. Davos is such a good Dad in this moment, telling Jon it’s OK to fail, which is something I wish my Year 12 maths teacher Mr McNaught (not even kidding) had told me. Well boo sucks to him because I failed maths and look at me now - surrounded by cats and an unhealthy collection of barely-used makeup. I have MADE something of myself, and I didn’t even need algabranometry.

Jon is welcomed back with a mixture of terror and batshit terror by most of his fellow Brothers, but it’s not all happy fun times at Rancho Castle Black. Justice must be meted out, which means Ser Alliser Trump, two random conspirators, and Olly, must suffer the consequences of their stabby, stabby actions.

“Do you have any last words?” Jon asks. Ser Alliser has had no change of heart, no moment of regret - he is satisfied with what he did and would do it again. Every step of the way, he regarded killing Lord Snow as the only way to fulfil his oath to the Night’s Watch. I guess you’ve got to respect that level of self-awareness and determination.

For his part, Olly said nothing. Well, his eyes spoke bitter words, but his tongue remained silent.

I half expected Jon to grant clemency to his youngest attacker, given that he has been a soft touch in the past (and hopefully, in my future). But the internet had spoken, and no amount of Reddit hate pages could rival an actual, terrible punishment. Jon was brought up too well to avoid that.

There’s a reason why hangings in movies are generally done in a long shot, or with cutaways at the gruesome moment. But this show doesn’t shy away from showing the bulging eyes, the blue skin and the crumpled necks, even when it’s a young boy like Olly. Hanging truly is a terrible way to die, and makes you wonder how funsters back in the day considered a dance-on-air the high point of their week. I suppose they didn’t have Game of Thrones, because their whole lives were probably like Game of Thrones, so needs must when the devil drives.

Dolorous Ed suggests to a brooding Jon that the bodies should be burned. Jon responds by shucking off his big Lord Commander cape, handing it to Ed and telling him Castle Black is his now.

Back to his form-fitting leathers, he declares “My watch is ended”, and stalks off into the tunnel, never looking back, leaving former comrades agog behind him, as cool a mic dropper as Obama at the Foreign Correspondents’ Dinner.

Ye Gods, if anything, I think death has made Jon Snow even sexier. I’d reani-mate him over and over again.

Book readers, you must be going nuts right about now with that whole kickass Tower of Joy sequence! I’m sure most TV watchers have heard of the R+L = J theory by now - it’s easier to find on the internet than sideboob photo galleries. But if you’ve managed to keep yourself pure then I won’t spill the beans - although I may have you scrubbed and sent to my room so I can pollute your innocence (let’s just say my karaoke version of Africa by Toto is next level).

As I’m sure you worked out, the Three-Eyed Raven (aka “Exposition Man”) has taken Bran on an awesome mind meld back to a key moment in Westeros history - the fight at the Tower of Joy. This is when Ned and his gang managed to cut down two highly skilled Kingsguard, including the famed Ser Arthur Dayne, who are there to protect some...thing.

The Sword of the Morning turned out to be Swords of the Morning, as Ser Arthur whipped out a truly impressive pair, as well as two battle swords. “Now it begins,” he tells the Ned Gang. “No,” replies Ned, already showing signs of Sean Bean’s war weariness, “Now it ends.”

(Also, I loved the way they kept the Young Ned’s hair in the same half-up ponytail arrangement as Sean Bean would sport years later/earlier, just so you knew it was him.)

The six-versus-two fight sequence was astonishing well choreographed. Ser Arthur Dayne - who, by the way, had a very nice Clive Owen meets Daniel Craig thing going on - shone everyone up, and it was wonderful to see just how much he deserved his reputation as the best swordsman Ned had ever seen.

It was at once a beautiful and a scrappy fight, with both sides battling to fulfil a promise: the Kingsguard to obey their oath to Rhaegar Targyren; Ned and his men to rescue Lyanna.

Eventually the battleground whittles down to just Stark V Dayne. Bran observes to the Three-Eyed Raven that Ser Arthur was much better than his father, and you can see him starting to wonder how on earth he walked away alive. The answer is - dishonourably. Howland Reed, knocked out of the fight early on, was not dead, and took advantage of a pause to shove his dagger into the back of Dayne’s neck. Ned picked up the Sword of the Morning and finished the job.

It was the kill of two desperate men, losing their honour in the moment for a necessary victory. You can just picture Ned, so devoted to doing the Right Thing, wearing that victory like a hair shirt for the rest of his life. But fulfilling his promise was worth the personal sacrifice.

Hey Ned, tip from me to you. Always be honourable in the future,
to the point of being unbearably honourable. I promise it'll all work out for you.

Enemies vanquished, Ned set off to investigate the Tower itself, from where a faint scream could be heard. The TER wants Bran to leave, but the young Stark is eager to know what mystery the Tower contains. He calls out after Ned, and his father briefly turns around, as if it he had heard the future scream of his as-yet-unconceived second son.

Before he can follow any further, the TER brings him back to the Treehouse Meth Den, and explains again that Bran cannot progress as fast as he wants. He reveals he’s been waiting in the tree for a thousand years, waiting specifically for Bran. But he vows Bran won’t end up like him; as long as he learns “everything” first. And you know what that means - more flashbacks!

Danerys isn’t just having a flashback to a former life, she’s living it. The Mother of Dragons is trying desperately to hold onto her status in a world that doesn’t care about her many other achievements and goals. As far as the Dosh Khaleen - the widows of former Khals - are concerned, she is either one of them, or she’ll be done away with in whatever form the great Khals want.

What’s a supple young Queen to do? I can’t imagine Dany settling down for a life of raw-heart eating and chanting, not when she’s pledged her life to regaining her inheritance. Let’s hope she brings down Drogon-fire upon them all. I’m sure he’d enjoy a bit of horsing around.

Over in Meereen, a hot and bothered Varys is probing a local woman named Valla for information regarding the Sons of the Harpie rebellion. He manages to sweet talk her into providing him with information by offering her and her young son money and safe passage to Pentos and a new life. Varys never threatens the child; oh no, he lets the woman do that herself with her imagination. He just offers the goods. You really can catch a lot more flies with honey.

The information is not much of a scoop - the wealthy slave owners in Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis are shelling out the dough to fund the rebellion in Meereen. I could have told Varys that, and I am pretty dim when it comes to observation, as evidenced by the fact I am generally a good two days behind where I should be when it comes to replacing the foster kittens’ litter (seriously, cats, how can such small things produce such a deadly output?)

After unsuccessfully trying to draw Missandei and Grey Worm into conversation, Tyrion says he wants to try that approach instead with the slave owners. Varys offers to send off his “little birds” - the ones he can always trust.

The revelation that Varys’ little birds turned out to be actual children, coupled with his pledge to not harm Valla’s son, make a fair bit of sense. Mutilated as a boy, it’s understandable he would treat children with respect and kindness. Sure, he’ll utilise them to get information, but he won’t harm them. He’ll just give them sweets. There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

Meanwhile, ex-maester and Dr Frankenstein cosplay champion Qyburn is in charge of the birdhouse, and Cersei wants all the flocking gossip about enemy movements and razzing on her nudie walk of shame. Girl, you can’t make yo’self listen to all those bad vibes. You’ll go crazy. More crazy. Oh, OK, whatever floats your boat.

Cersei and Jaime are still getting around everywhere with the freakish Zombie Mountain, who is causing quite a ruckus with the Small Council. Maester Pycelle is caught out in a classic “He’s behind me, isn’t he?” moment as the twincesters and their beast glide silently into the council chamber while Pycelle blethers on about irregularities and monstrosities and unsanctioned experiments like an old fart.

And when he’s caught out - there is an audible, actual old fart that sounds out. Understandable, if not particularly classy.

Tell you what though, how AMAZING was it to see the superlative Lady Olenna back in the fold, talking business, doling out quips and basically sassing Cersei no end. If there’s one thing the Queen of Thorns is obsessed with - apart from cheese - it’s the safety of her granddaughter Margaery. She did organise to murder Joffrey to protect her, after all.

"Bitch, please."

Cersei and Jaime insist on joining the meeting, intent on seeing justice for Myrcella and working out a plan of attack after the Sand Snakes’ revolt in Dorne. But the distaste Hand of the King Ser Kevan Lannister has for his niece and nephew precludes him from listening or even staying in the room. He storms out, with Olenna, her son Mace Tyrell and Pycelle in tow.

I still have trouble working out exactly what the High Sparrow’s plan is. Tommen goes in to see him all fired up, demanding he leave Cersei alone and not subject her to a formal trial for her sins, but winds up sitting down next to the Big Bird and taking some kindly counsel about the role the gods play on earth, and the qualities they funnel through mere mortals.

Tommen, devoid of any real father figure, is susceptible to this not because he’s easily swayed by religion but because he’s genuinely interested in doing a good job as king. And the High Sparrow seems to want him to fulfil his potential. Now Big Bird is a fanatic, but there’s something about his all-too-showy-do-gooder-ness that just irks me, and makes me think there’s something else under the surface. How can a truly good-hearted religious person sanction humiliation and torture? Answer that *insert appropriate reference here*.

Can somebody please cut together Arya’s scenes with Eye of the Tiger? ‘Cause that was a training sequence that needed montage music if ever I saw one. Back in the House of Black and White but still blind, she is put through her paces by the Waif and Jaqen H’ghar, learning to master hand/no eye co-ordination while confessing everything she knows and remembers about her life as Arya Stark.

Any incorrect information was dealt with by a sharp thwack of birch, such as Arya describing Jon as first a brother, before clarifying he was a half-brother. Eventually, the smouldering Jaqen led her to one of the pools in the Great Hall, and bade her drink from it. “If a girl is truly no one, she should have no fear,” he tells her. Arya drinks, and lo! She is healed. “Who are you?” Jaqen asks. “No one,” she replies. She’s fulfilled her potential. Her training seems complete.

And now, let us head north to Winterfell, where Lord Smalljon Umber may just have become be my favourite new love/hate character. Initially, it was all love, given the refreshing no-bullshit attitude he displayed to Ramsay, including the deliberate and unapologetic sprinkling of c-bombs used to describe Roose Bolton.

"See you next Tuesday."

Lord Umber is quite happy to fight Wildlings, but with 1500 of them now south of The Wall and the possibility that Jon Snow could lead them to Winterfell has prompted him to make deals.

The best part about Lord Umber is that he was entirely unfazed by Ramsay. Lord Karstark, already pledged to Ramsay, still seems a bit skittish around him. But Smalljon clearly inherited stone cajones from his father, who we remember as the guy who had two fingers bitten off by a direwolf when he threatened Robb Stark, and whose reaction was “Fair cop, where’s the booze?”

So he’s entirely comfortable in refusing all the trappings of status that Ramsay now seeks to enjoy as Lord Bolton. “F*** kneeling, and f*** oaths,” he states matter-of-factly, before bringing out a “present” that he sees as far better evidence of his pledge to fight together.

Of course we knew in our gut who those figures were: Osha and Rickon, absent for more than a season now but bound to eventually rejoin the Great Westerosi Chessboard.

Ramsay is not convinced Rickon is real, and so Lord Umber produced further proof: the dismembered head of Shaggy Dog, Rickon’s direwolf and protector.

THEY KILLED SHAGGY DOG. THEY MUST PAY.

Honestly, that’s three direwolves out of six down now, with Nymeria still running around in the wild somewhere. I feel so sorry for Rickon - left without parents so young, Shaggy Dog seemed sometimes to be his substitute everything.

The disgraceful sight of a beautiful creature brought low of course brought nothing but joy to Ramsay. “Welcome home, Lord Stark,” he beamed, so creepily you’d think he was the cab driver I had the other day who offered me a personalised in-home oil massage service, preferably on a yoga mat on the floor, for just $35 or free if I didn’t like it (I actually think the guy was above board, but I did feel like he needed to rethink his pitch).

Osha had promised to keep the littlest Stark safe; but what is safety in this world of upside downs? How was she to know about Ramsay’s ascendance and the new Lord Umber’s more fluid interpretation of loyalty? Rickon’s greatest advantage had been the general assumption he was dead - will any promise he had as an able-bodied heir be able to be fulfilled, or simply snuffed out?

Yay! Best Moments

Jon’s reunions with Tormund and Dolorous Ed were so endearing I just wanted to rush in and give them all a big group hug. Of course, I settled for grabbing a foster kitten instead and was rewarded with a scratch to the arm. Longclaw, indeed.

The way Ed questioned whether Jon was actually Jon because he cracked a funny was enough to make you all gooey inside, but Tormund took the resurrection cake with his wry snap that Jon couldn’t be a god because “I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker that small?”

Which is disappointing in its own way, but still, it is very chilly up north and Jon was naked on a table, so with a nice fire and some oysters there’s hope for us yet.

Zing! Best Lines

It was purely a filler scene, but gosh Tyrion’s attempt to breathe some liveliness into Missandei and Grey Worm was a delight to watch. Grey Worm thought patrol reports passed muster for conversation, and Missandei hinted at a very dark past when Tyrion suggested games. Oh, and neither of them drink, so the poor little Lannister was left high and dry indeed.

Tyrion: “A wise man once said the true history of the world is a history of great conversations in elegant rooms.”
Missandei: “Who said this?
Tyrion: “Me, just now.”

Ewww, gross

Sam Tarly’s vomit. Because of course, if Sam Tarly is at sea, he is going to vomit. Gilly clearly had no problems, despite a fairly limited history of family beach holidays. I loved her fieriness when Sam confessed that he was not taking her with him to Old Town, and that instead she would stay with his mother and sister, who were nice people, unlike his arsehole father. But I also loved that she accepted his explanation that he gave her slightly misleading information only to keep her safe. Anyone else in Game of Thrones, and yeah, I’d tell her to give them a piece of her mind. But we all know Sam not only cannot lie, but he is devoted to Gilly and her baby, and she knows it. So they’ll keep their promises to each other.

My only concern is that the last time Sam tried to keep Gilly safe, she ended up in a brothel that got raided by wildlings and only just escaped being murdered. So let’s hope Sam has utter confidence in his family and they don’t all turn out to be dead, or insane, or just really keen to mess his shit up.

Boo, hiss

THEY KILLED SHAGGY DOG. THEY WILL PAY.


Thank you so much for joining me again this week. I can't wait to read your comments and thoughts, either here on the 'Burger, or via my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/nataliesthrone

Another reminder that I'm running a Patreon campaign this season. If you like the recaps and wish to become a patron, you can sign up and pledge the suggested $1 per recap. Here's the link: www.patreon.com/girlclumsy.

Valar Morghulis!

63 Responses to ‘Raven On Game of Thrones Recap: S6E3 "Oathbreaker"’

Sousy Wench ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016

I admit there was much in the way of squealing, swearing and shouting at my house tonight - my cat really doesn't seem to appreciate this strange new call and response tv experience. Her loss.

Tower of joy, so close... Then, poof. Though brans apparent ability to interact with dead folks could also be interesting?

Poor Rickon, he's pretty much screwed... Though he could be the the means of getting Jon to march on Winterfell. Sucks to be Sansa, again... Unless she and Jon hilariously bump into each other on their wacky travels.

Umber. Seriously, what a fucker. *shakes fist at the sky*

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016

As I say, I currently love/hate Smalljon Umber. Let's see which way he goes...

My cats were also somewhat startled by my buttock reverie as well. Given how much they love to shove their own buttocks in my face, I couldn't really expect much respect.

Sam Clifford has opinions thus...

Posted May 10, 2016
I have a small amount of hope that the Umbers are somehow secretly plotting something and that having Rickon there and accepted by Ramsay Bolton as legit is part of a scheme to show the North that there are still Starks and that if anyone's going to be knelt to it's going to be awkward teenager Rickon Stark, not someone who's willing to murder his traitorous father only to deepen the betrayal of the Starks by his house.

Respond to this thread

xServer ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
I have heard it posited that the reason Umber wouldn't kneel or take oaths is because he's about to double-cross Ramsay and bringing in Osha and Rickon was the only way to get some "cred" without having to lie/break an oath. Oh, and also heard posited that the head didn't really belong to ShaggyDog.

I'm not convinced but...a girl can hope, right?

Great episode. They are really keeping things moving.

And if I was Danny I would just light the whole place on fire and see what happens next. We all know SHE'D be ok...

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 10, 2016
OMG this is a brilliant theory. I HOPE it is true. By thunder, that would be marvellous. Particularly if it wasn't really Shaggy Dog. :)

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Véronique mumbles...

Posted May 10, 2016
This was a rippin' episode, no doubt about it! Nice that we got past the setup of the first couple of episodes into the meat of the plot for this season. Yep, Jon Snow's Playgirl pose was pretty magnifico. Love how Kate Bush went straight to, "oh, BTW, you're the Messiah, no pressure, eh?" I imagine Ser Davos's rather more practical approach felt better to Jon. "My watch is ended," loved that line! There's one advantage to having been dead.

I'm annoyed that Dr. Frankenstein figured out Varys's network. Guess Varys is going to need better bribes.

Did you notice that the Jon Snow's last act as Lord Commander was very similar to the first execution we saw Ned perform?

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 10, 2016
Certainly synchronicity there. The man who passes the sentence must swing the sword, and all that.

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GordonG puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016
General feeling around our place was that Gilly's son had been replaced by Prince George. Wonder if that will end well!

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
Ha! Yeah I can see that. Very cherubic.

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Rhino mumbles...

Posted May 10, 2016
Yeah, the mic drop and exit was cool and all ... Buuuuuut.

2 minutes later:

Jon Snows comes back through the tunnel.

'Ummmm, yeah, didn't quite think that through. Can I borrow a coat? Seems that I just doffed my warm c;oak in a bit of a hissy. And a horse? Oh, and some mutton might be nice. Don't know why I'm craving that. Oh, and I need to get my dog bowl. And my dog. Oh, and you Wildings, do you want to give me a hand with this whole avenging my fami;y thing? An army of battle tested maniacs might come in handy after all. And can someone send a raven to Old Town and let Sam know that I was dead, and back, and all that? Oh, and Ser Davos and Melisandre, you wanna come too? That who;e raising the dead thing might be handy to have around.

Yep, that about sums it up. What say I just go back in my office and do a little orderly succession plan cause leaving the Night's Watch in chaos with the White Walkers and Winter coming might not be the best thing? Especially since I just hanged the only person remotely qualified to train and lead you.

Yep.

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 10, 2016
Let him have his moment, Rhino. Let him have his moment. :)

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vitas mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
Don't be upset over Jon's small pecker. As he showed in the cave with Ygritte, he has other skills.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 10, 2016
SO. TRUE.

Gosh I wish I'd thought of this line to use in my recap. I bow down. :)

Sunny puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016
Rest easy Natalie. From my experience, small pecker down does not mean small pecker up, if you get my drift.
Especially when down includes being in freezing temperatures, and also dead (ok ok that bit is not actually based on experience).
Unless he and Tormund are a WHOLE lot closer than they've shown on the show, I would say that the comment has no bearing on the size of the flaming sword when in use... ;)

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PK swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 10, 2016
Seriously hoping the Umbers (and maybe Karstarks) have got a double-cross in the works (why else keep Osha alive?) because there's a brilliant fan theory doing the rounds called The Grand Northern Conspiracy that falls apart if the Stark's vassal lords change their allegiances.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 10, 2016
Is this similar to the comment above? I'm totally onboard if this is the plan... I'm so tempted to go and read up on that theory but I really try not to pre-empt too many things!

Muddy mumbles...

Posted May 10, 2016
He did not say Jon had a small pecker. He implied Jon was not a God because if he was a God , he would have given himself a much larger one.
If he can please a Wildling Ranga, he is certainly endowed, human size.

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016
Ahhh, excellent reasoning. It's good to know people think so seriously about peckers.

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Murphy_of_Missouri ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
Heh, she said, he-heh, butt.

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Ken reckons...

Posted May 10, 2016
What can I say that hasn't been said. Excellent episode and equally as excellent recap. As I was watching yesterday the thought crossed my mind, 'I hope Natalie is sitting on a towel', you're words at the start only reinforced that stray thought.

A small request if I may, please don't recommend NOT to Google things. Surely you know it's a challenge that must be met. I had to Google 'naked women of Game of Thrones to recover.

Off to hunt down a Valerian blade to protect my own little Dire wolf. As you said THEY KILLED SHAGGY DOG. THEY WILL PAY.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
So much revenge coming their way...

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Observer mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
Did anyone find the scene of a mature Qyburn doling out sweets to children in return for favours a little creepy in a grooming sort of way?

she_jedi ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
Yes! I said to my cat when he started doling out sweets that "this isn't going to end well." Of course I didn't give him enough credit to co-opt Varys' little birds for his own purposes, I just figured he'd poison them all for fodder for his experiments.

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
Yeah, I tried to hint at that in my recap - it mustn't have come across very well. :)

Rhino mumbles...

Posted May 12, 2016
Of course they are still under Varys' control ... what better way to get inside info (or insert bad intel) on what is going on in King's Landing than to let Qyburn think that he has subverted the Little Birds.

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Mother of nothing is gonna tell you...

Posted May 10, 2016
Great recap as always, however i think you missed the best line. I just LOL'd loudly (also disturbing my cat) at:

Lady Olenna: ...I do appreciate these things can get a bit confusing for your family

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 10, 2016
She got a photo because she was so awesome. :)

But yes, she is Sass Queen.

Richard Gadsden mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
Before this all ends, I want one scene with her and Tyrion sassing each other. Just one.

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she_jedi would have you know...

Posted May 10, 2016
Poor Jon; his hurt indignation about what happened was priceless. "I did what I thought was right... and I was MURDERED for it!" Loved Tormin's pecker joke though, he's a treasure.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 10, 2016
And then he totally took his bat and ball and went home. :)

she_jedi puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016
I can't really blame him though; having done the right thing and been MURDERED for it, he's got no incentive to hang around, lead the Watch, try to do the right thing and wait for his men to get stabby on him again if they disagree with him. I'd be totally taking my bat and ball and going home under those circumstances!

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
I'd gladly take Jon's bat and balls.

...
...
...

I'll get me coat.

Rhino mutters...

Posted May 12, 2016
Poor Wah.

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Beth McKinlay swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 10, 2016
I dunno, I feel like the show is pandering to the fans now. A lot of these scenes are just giving people what they want. Is it because they no longer have a book to follow? What happened to the unexpected disappointments and near misses and pointless arbitrary violence? Apart from the scenes at Castle Black, the appeal of which rested mainly on Jon's manly crevice, the rest was so predictable and tedious I could have had more fun doing the ironing. But Natalie, I do love a recap that uses the expression "needs must when the devil drives" – top marks for that.

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 10, 2016
I imagine they have GRRM's blessing in what they're setting up and doing. Sure, his novels won't match it exactly, but they wouldn't have brought Jon back without GRRM's approval that he was going to do it anyway? After all, GRRM has to eventually give the book readers payoff too.

We're only three eps in, so I'm sure there will be more topsy-turvy moments.

Personally I found the murder of Roose last week quite a shock, and as for pointless arbitrary violence, surely the Zombie crunching the stand-up geezer's head in the wall last week counted for that?!?!

:)

Bondiboy66 mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
Arbitrary violence? Well the swordfight at the Tower of Joy was pretty bloody good I thought.

Arya reciting her rather reduced list made me think of mine: The Sparrow, Ramsay Bolton, Ser Alister was there, The Waif....

vitas mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
GRRM has mapped out to the show runners how the show must go, just in case he dies before the end.

GRRM, Benioff and Weiss are the only 3 people who know where we are going

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted May 10, 2016
Oh to be a fly on the wall...

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Muddy would have you know...

Posted May 10, 2016
Hello Natalie, I fear for you. Is this show going to end with Jon Snow atop a dragon riding along with Danerys and Tyrion on the other two, raining fire down on Kings Landing.
The image of Jon astride a dragon will be too much fantasy even for you. Be careful.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted May 10, 2016
I'm swooning already!

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TL asserts...

Posted May 10, 2016
I wondered why there was no Raven On recaps in the Brisbane Times. Their loss.

So glad to discover them here. We shall not see their like again!

Have now pledged my filthy lucre on that patreon thingy.
So no writer's block now, you hear?
Leave that to GRRM (boom!)
:-)

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 10, 2016
Nawww, bless you, TL! I do believe Fairfax are still recapping though, so do feel free to check it out too. :)

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wendy is gonna tell you...

Posted May 10, 2016
Ah Yes. The sight of Jon Snow's naked back side is a thing of beauty to behold! But I do also think that he didn't quite think it through when he strode off into the night, no cloak, no horse, no sword etc. But methinks the Wildings will follow him and all will soon be provided. He is now their God even if he isn't. He saved them, he came back from dead so of course they will worship him and follow him anywhere. Lets hope he runs smack into Sansa & Brienne straight away so they can all plan their revenge & retake Winterfell and rescue Rickon from the evil Bolton. We all can't wait to see that sucker get his just desserts!

All in all a pretty good ep! And as usual Nat, your recaps make it all that much sweeter!

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Barnesm reckons...

Posted May 10, 2016
Excellent recapping as ever I particularly liked the line 'was how all the stuff between those two things was amazing too' when your were discussing Rob's butt cheeks.

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016

Wow, another sexy pun that I didn't even realise I'd made. I'm like a savant for this stuff.

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Kate is gonna tell you...

Posted May 10, 2016
Episode 2 and 3 have made me much happier than episode 1... the plot is moving much more quickly and more divergent plots they are as well. It also seems to be moving much more quickly than the series before. I think this is because they do not have to fear overtaking the books. The segue ways also seem less clunky as well.

Tower of Joy: very ironic name. Don't think we will see scenes of more joy from that tower.

I adore Diana Rigg and wish Queen of Thrones was in the show more. She has the best lines ever and she knows how to deliver them with maximum effect! Such a great actress and such a great character.

Finally, so glad that Jon does not seem to have side effects (yet?) of coming back from the dead. Unlike the fellow in the cave (forgotten his name) Jon doesn't seem to have lost part of himself. He is probably the only truly honourable person left in GOT. Although maybe before he was dead, he would never have considered hanging Olly, so maybe he did lost some of himself...

I know I said finally just above but just had one more thought... 3 episodes down and only six more to go.... and then ... months and months of waiting... oh dear, it always seems like a lifetime between series....

she_jedi ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
I think Berrick losing part of himself stemmed more from the number of times he was brought back. I think the first time you come back you're mostly yourself, but after repeated resurrections bits of your soul might drop off. Bit like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy... the quality goes down each time you get further from the original

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 10, 2016
Well, let's hope Jon isn't killed off again. We don't need him becoming Ridge from The Bold and the Beautiful!

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flöki snöw has opinions thus...

Posted May 10, 2016
'tis a cunning plan the North has in play, handing over Rickon but why give him Osha too? Unless...... Ramsay is in need of a new concubine and we know Osha isn't afraid to go full on "Cleopatra" seductress to stick someone with a shiv.

'nice recaps by the way'

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girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016
Oh man, I would be a happy chappy if Osha shivs Ramsay!

mandos is gonna tell you...

Posted May 10, 2016
Oh yes concurr on said shivving...would be splendid!

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Nahaz mutters...

Posted May 10, 2016
Hi Natalie

Where do you think we're going with Dany's storyline? Do you think she will want to claim the iron throne sooner than later or will she want to wipe out world slavery first?

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Katy would have you know...

Posted May 10, 2016
Fab recap as always! Feeling a bit better after reading recap and comments, honestly i was bit traumatised by seeing Osha, Rickon and his poor direwolf delivered to that psycho Ramsay, almost felt as though i couldn't bear to watch rest of the series if only to see more people brutalised or used for pet food. Have hope now that something cool may be on the cards and Ramsay may become the pet food instead.

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Lorn asserts...

Posted May 10, 2016
"not even a bastard hybrid child of Wordsworth and Sir Mix-a-Lot could conjure up verse that would adequately describe the magnificence of those sweet cheeks" ...he he he love it!

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BrunswickMum reckons...

Posted May 10, 2016
"George R.R. Martin is a fine writer, but not even a bastard hybrid child of Wordsworth and Sir Mix-a-Lot could conjure up verse that would adequately describe the magnificence of those sweet cheeks." Possibly my favourite all-time paragraph that you have written!

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Procrastinati swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 10, 2016
Brilliant recap yet again MoK. Too many highlights to highlight!

I found that I felt what I later determined to be 'visceral dissatisfaction' with elements of this ep. This is not a bad thing. For me it highlights the difference between GoT (and other excellent series that have sprung forth over time) and the usual pap foisted upon us. As an example, visceral satisfaction occurs when Voldemort is turned into a billion shards of carbon. A better (or worse) example is Bruce Willis executing any number of bad guys in any number of Die Hard movies. Justice has been served and we all (should) feel the better for it.

Viscerally, dissatisfaction existed for me with the hanging scene. Justice has been served, but I don't feel better for it. Hence (within the context of being a fictional fantasy) it enhances the reality created. Specifically, Olly could be, should be, but isn't redeemed. His lifeless, lolling head screams nihilism to Jon. A young man has made mistakes and receives the ultimate penalty. Without wanting to trivialise reality by making comparisons with fiction, it called to mind Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran. There are other incidents with GoT that have brought forth my 'visceral dissatisfaction', but this episode has brought it to the front of my mind.

Others have already pointed out that Jon's watch had already ended with his death. The question is - through death and resurrection, has Jon changed? I'm not looking to make the obvious comparison here. Rather, I look to the evidence I see on the screen. Did the previously straight backed Jon look stooped and weary? If the answer is yes, does this hold any inference regarding his pre-death moral strength? Has this also been sapped? I look forward to finding out. Of course, may his butt remain forever strong!

Procrastinati would have you know...

Posted May 12, 2016
Oh, and how did you slip "algabranometry" past the spellchecker. Do you think Kate Bush has a spell-checker?

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Mike Brady puts forth...

Posted May 10, 2016
Great recap, but this season I find myself wondering; what's the point if characters can be healed after death? What's the final fight gonna come down to? Jon Snow vs Ser Gregorstein, with Melisandre and Maester Qyburn casting resurrection spells as fast as they can, like some kind of Japanese RPG? This show is becoming ludicrous. Which is good! I hope they run with it and go completely batshit. My ideal final scene? The entire show is revealed to be just a dream Bran had after knocking himself out for a couple of hours, when he actually fell all by himself, while climbing that tower in the first episode.

Game of Thrones is simply the dream of an imaginative young lad on the verge of puberty, who gets maybe a little too big a kick from pulling the wings off flies, has the standard oedipal desire to kill his father, is scared of zombies and still believes in princesses and dragons, and has burgeoning incestual tendencies towards his sister. Like most adolescent boys really.

Sorry, I forgot the spoiler alert. Durp.

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Richard Gadsden is gonna tell you...

Posted May 10, 2016
Hum, Tyrion has released the other dragons now. I expect they will head off to find Drogon and then all three will arrive at Vaes Dothrak together, at which point all the Khals decide that discretion is the better part of valour and bend the knee to Dany - and she heads off, in command of a united Khalasar of all the Dothraki, all three dragons on two, for Meereen.

Well, a man can hope.

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Jackie mutters...

Posted May 11, 2016
Hi Nat, I love reading your recaps. So much so that I have pledged on Patreon for your recaps. Also, makeup junkies unite!

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Tank puts forth...

Posted May 12, 2016
Hold on. Hold on. Junk mound. Buttock crevice. I'm pleased for you and all the hetero girls and gay boys out there. But what about the rest of us? What about the gratuitous girl bits and boobs that have been so much part of the GOT experience. Nothing since Kate's bush at the end of Ep 1. You can see (or rather can't see) where it was supposed to be in the script. Darn that clause in the Mother of Dragon's contract.

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PM would have you know...

Posted May 12, 2016
Arya's great conflict is between retaining loyalty to her Stark clan identity/resposibilities vs truely subsuming her self into the anonimity of the assassin cult she has joined. Is it possible that her greatest challege might come in a situation where her cult masters send her out to assasinate a member of the Stark cohort?

Also, while I'm idly speculating: I suspect we might see more of that nice wildling lady who got killed by the blue-eyed snow zombies while everyone was rushing for the boats (she hesitated in the midst of battle because she was a mother and couldn't bring herself to fight zombie kiddies).

If (as others have speculated) the final battle will be between 'The South' and 'The North' (represented by a unified super-group that includes Starks, Wildlings AND snow-zombies) maybe that nice wildling mother who is now a zombie could be a key link in the alliance?

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JotJelly has opinions thus...

Posted May 13, 2016
>He calls out after Ned, and his father briefly turns around, as if it he had heard the future scream of his as-yet-unconceived second son.

Don't you mean third son? ;)

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Respond to 'Raven On Game of Thrones Recap: S6E3 "Oathbreaker"'

Raven On S6E2: Home

Posted May 2, 2016 into Raven On by girlclumsy

SPOILER WARNING!

Only read on if you’ve seen Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode Two.

Seriously, I mean it here, because some S*** WENT DOWN, people.

Oh my beloveds! He’s alive. HE’S ALIVE!

I’m not a religious woman, but I defy Christianity to offer a narrative as joyous and fulfilling as a beloved man of questionable parentage rising from the dead.

Jon Snow has returned to me. I mean, us. You know, the Game of Thrones viewing audience. The world and all of its sensible, Jon Snow-worshipping types. But mostly me, the Beyonce to his Jay-Z (unlike that Ygritte with the good hair).

This episode was shocking and dastardly in so many ways - most of them to do with BOOO HISSS Ramsay Bolton - yet we got the happy ending we so desperately craved, an ab-tastic sequence which somehow made all the horror seem kind of okay. Of course, Jon himself looked rather shocked by it, but hey, I too would be confused if I woke up near-naked with just my foster kittens for company. ‘Cause that never happens normally. No. Never.

And Melisandre, dear, wonderful, craggy Melisandre - all is forgiven. Yes, you encouraged Stannis to burn his own daughter at the stake (something Ser Davos conveniently hasn’t seemed to have realised yet). But damnit, you’ve shown vulnerability, self-doubt and crackingly good resurrection skills. You’re OK again in my book.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The title for this episode really set up the through-line of the interweaving stories this week. For whether it was finding it, missing it, returning to it or attempting to set one up - so many of our characters were seeking the true meaning of “home”.

Also there were a lot of big dudes smashing the shit out of other dudes. And Ramsay Bolton being an utter, utter, utter, utter smegging utter utter bastard. It’s all enough to make a recappespondent swoon and have to remove her bra for medical reasons. Join me please, as I release the tension in my bosoms and shove the twin nipples of plot and character development right in your face.

Season 6, Episode 2: Home

I think the key takeaway from our long-awaited catch-up with Bran in that meth den far north of the Wall is HOLY CRAP HODOR COULD SPEAK?!

Sure, discovering that Bran’s Warg Powers not only allow him to commune with animals but mentally time-travel (a sort of interior Tardis) was a big revelation too, but gods-be-damned if it wasn’t something else to wonder what happened to that shy, gentle stable boy to turn him into a shy, gentle, stable boy who only says “Hodor”?

Of course, Hodor wasn’t telling. Well, he may have been, but despite Bran’s best “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”, only “Hodor” was forthcoming.

That mind-blowing development was revealed to us in a mind-blowing mystical encounter featuring the Three-Eyed Raven, a sort of kindly Walter White figure who can dial in your blue sky visions with up to 99 per cent purity.

I am the one who knocks, Bran.

Transported to a Winterfell of many years past, the second-youngest Stark watched, on all two legs, as his father Ned and uncle Benjen practised their sword-fighting.

We even saw the much-discussed Lyanna Stark ride in on a white steed, dark hair flowing, all sass and sisterly love, attempting to rope young Hodor in to be Benjen’s sparring partner when Ned goes off to learn from Jon Arryn at the Eyrie.

Now here’s something. I always figured Lyanna was Ned’s younger sister, but it looked from the immersive flashback like she was a fair bit older. This may be important, it may just be an observation - certainly Nan (not “Old” just yet) didn’t much take age into account when chewing them all out for being silly buggers.

All we know for sure is that according to Bran, “They were all so happy”. “So were you, once,” replies the triple-peepered-corvus. Yep, for those first 45 minutes of season one, episode one, Bran sure was a chipper kid.

Of course, he’s not allowed to linger at this warm, familial scene, because according to Walter White Raven, if you continue to scuba without air in your tank, you drown. Bran of course wasn’t drowning, he was home. But as Homer Simpson taught us, you cannot just run away from your problems and start a new life under the sea.

Bran’s protector Meera is getting jacked off at how very boring her life has become. I imagine hanging outside while all your friends are tripping balls gets dull pretty quickly. But the intense fairy woman/Child of the Forest insists she is much needed. Bran may be home in the meth den right now, but someday soon he’s going to have to move on. And that’s when he’ll need an awesome fighting chick by his side.

Speaking of awesome fighting chicks, in the forest north of Winterfell, the much more relaxed Brienne gives Sansa an update about seeing Arya with the Hound a whole season ago. “She looked good,” came the summary, “although she wasn’t dressed like a lady.”

Sansa’s smile and retort (“No, she wouldn’t be”) were so sweet. Given this was the first confirmation Sansa has had in years that her sister is in fact alive, I wish they’d talked about it a little more. Certainly Sansa had nothing to say about her time at Winterfell, only that she wished she’d gone with Brienne the first time she’d offer to protect her. “It was a difficult choice,” Brienne responds, giving Sansa an out. I mean, yes, it was, but also, you were travelling with Petyr Baelish at the time, Sansa! Sure he saved your life at the Purple Wedding but come on, you had to be suss by the way he looked at you and (probably) smelled your hair.

Sansa is very forgiving of Theon, whose is well into his Redemption of Reek journey. The Greyjoy heir doesn’t want forgiveness of course - taking the black and joining the Night’s Watch won’t wash away the sins he committed against the Starks. He needs to make things right, and to do that, he has to go back to where it all began - the Iron Islands.

Over in Pyke, King Balon really is losing the plot. His daughter Yara - possibly the most sensible character in the series - raises the thorny issue of their strongholds on the mainland being recaptured by their original tenants, but Balon doesn’t want to hear it. “Stop disobeying my orders!” he rants, getting more boring by the second.

In the end he winds up crossing a rope bridge between two of his castles turrets, being buffeted by ferocious winds. You’d think the Iron Islanders might be used to that kind of weather and develop better bridges - or maybe trial squat, all-in-one buildings - but they’re salt people, and any opportunity to practice flailing about in a storm would no doubt be considered character building. After all, you can’t make a mistake twice if your limbs are broken on the rocks below.

At this point, Balon is bailed up by a mysterious stranger who turns out to be his brother, Euron Greyjoy. It was a bit odd to introduce Euron this way, as I couldn’t get a good look at his face, and the rain made it a bit hard to understand what they were saying. But the gist seemed to be that Euron is an insane megalomaniac who doesn’t just worship the Drowned God, believes he is the Drowned God. Oh joy, another David Koresh type. As if the Iron Islanders weren't already Waco enough.

Eventually Balon attempted to grab Euron, but instead was tossed off the rope bridge like so many horny masochists.

The death of Balon was not a total surprise, and not a total loss really. We only saw him rarely, he was just a bit of a mad old coot, and even though the introduction of his long-lost brother was a bit convenient and quick, this Euron fellow may still prove a more useful character.

Sure, Theon will get home to find his daddy gone, but he can still make amends with Yara. In fact, he may be able to help her, as it seems the Iron Islanders are a tad against a woman ruler, even if it was clear that Balon considered her his heir. Hey dudes, perhaps if you’d let a freaking woman rule you before now, you might have replaced raping and pillaging with more sensible policies such as sustainable aqua-culture and a tourism industry. Go get ‘em, Yara.

Please, tell me again how I am not qualifed to run this dump.

Let’s talk BOOOOO HISSSSSS Ramsay Bolton.

I imagine there may be some outcry over THAT scene. You know, the one where Lady Walda and her newborn baby were ripped apart by Ramsay’s bloodthirsty hunting dogs? Not on camera, of course, they left that to the imagination and the foley artist. But still, it was pretty brutal, and I can understand how it may upset some people.

However - surely as soon as the news of Lady Walda giving birth to a boy was pronounced, we knew they were both dead? When Ramsay stuck a knife in his father’s gut, just a moment after being told he would always be his first born, we knew Roose’s direct line would be snuffed out. When Ramsay asked to hold the baby, we all thought he was about to dash its brains out right there on the cobblestones.

So maybe the dogs were a bit much, but then, everything about Ramsay is a bit much. HE CUT A GUY’S KNOB OFF, PEOPLE.

Also, Game of Thrones has form on baby-maiming - remember the first episode of season two, when the City Watch in King’s Landing slaughtered all of King Robert’s bastards, including a newborn in the brothel?

Personally, I thought the Walda’s pride in her baby, her heartbreaking realisation of what was happening and her last-ditch plea for their lives were amazingly portrayed. In those moments Walda had real humanity and character, as opposed to the fairly one-dimensional role she had played in previous scenes.

If anything, it was Roose’s death that surprised me - and, I must say, moved me. Given Roose’s ability to curb Ramsay’s worst excesses, I guess part of me hoped he would come more to the fore, realise what a mistake he’d made with this psychotic hangnail of a son, and put a stop to it.

“If you act like a mad dog you will be treated like a mad dog,” the elder Bolton reasoned when Ramsay declared he wanted to march on Castle Black and kill Jon Snow, another bastard but nevertheless a potential Stark claimant to Winterfell.

From Ramsay’s perspective of course, he is setting up his home, his legacy, and hopefully with a returned Sansa, his dynasty. Sure, he’s also a nutbag who likes to kill, but there is some sense of wanting to achieve driving him. And while he is utterly without remorse or mercy, he is not without smarts. Rather than own up to his father’s murder, he orders it to be announced as a poisoning.

If he wasn’t before, he definitely is now the absolute worst character ever on Game of Thrones.

Let’s head to King’s Landing, where a skeevy Cockney geezer is regaling a crowd of barflies about that time he got his wang out and wiggled it at Queen Cersei. Sigh. There’s always one, isn’t there? So proud of it, and feels such a need to brag. Discretion is the better part of valour, gentlemen. And that doesn’t mean give it the nickname “Discretion” either, even if that is a very good nickname for it.

When this jester is later happened upon answering the call of nature by the Zombie Mountain, he manages a few errant tinkles on his colossal armour before the Mountain delivers the best review in the history of comedy - a sharp backwards shove into a brick wall.

Now, beloved Throners, my initial reaction to this violent meeting of brick and brain matter was a loud “WHOA!” followed quickly by a dissolve into giggles. For who amongst us has not wanted to throw a heckle this good? I implore you, Zombie Mountain, critique on! Can you take on *name of Australian comedian deleted for legal reasons* next?

Sadly Zombie Mountain has to leave his contributions to the Westeros entertainment industry for another day, as he is to accompany Cersei to Myrcella’s funeral. Unfortunately for the mourning Queen, the Lannister guards would not allow Cersei to leave the Red Keep, on King Tommen’s orders. There were about 15 guards and only one Zombie Mountain, and yet it was hilarious watching them all twitch at the slightest movement on the Zom’s part. He sure is one big half-dead intimidating murderer.

Inside the Sept of Baelor, Jaime presses his son/nephew (sophew?) Tommen on why he wouldn’t let Cersei attend. It turns out the High Sparrow told the young king that his mother would be refused entry, on pain of imprisonment, due to all that incest and sin and stuff. He also confesses that he feels guilty for not being able to save her and his wife Margaery from the nasty indulgences of the Faith Militant and the High Sparrow. The throne is his, but what has he done to deserve it? What kind of King can’t keep order in his own house?

Jaime of course is insistent Cersei will never be locked up while he’s around, and entreats Tommen to go and see her - a call that becomes more urgent after the Big Bird himself shows up. He explains that the reason for those creepy eye stones placed on every corpse in Westeros is to not fear death, and to embrace the life after.

A stand-off between Jaime and Big Bird soon arises, but the preacher has a secret weapon - poor, nameless, blindly faithful foot soldiers! You might kill me, he tells Jaime, and that’s fine, I deserve it. But religion, as it turns out, is like the Hydra - you cut off one head and three more obedient sheeple pop up in its place. Hail Hydra!

Meanwhile Tommen goes to apologise to his Mommie Dearest, who incidentally is looking rather modern with her chic pixie cut. She gives him the cold shoulder to begin with, literally turning her back on him and acting all distant and hurt. I dunno, maybe she is distant and hurt. But she is Cersei, and so it’s far more likely that she was just waiting for the inevitable grovelling apology. When it comes, she is invigorated. Hearing Tommen say lines like “I should have pulled the Sept down on the High Sparrow’s head before I let them do that to you” must have been a proud moment - that’s top notch Lannister vengeance speak right there. When he asks for her help in being strong, she embraces him. “Always,” she mutters, wrapping up her last remaining baby in her warm embrace. Tommen is home; but moreover, Cersei is home.

Home is looking a lot less secure for the gang of ne’er-do-wells in charge of Meereen. The rebellion against Daenarys is almost complete, with the Slavers taking back the cities of Astapor and Yunkai. Their fleet is now interesting ash patterns on the surface of the harbour, Dany herself has vanished, and her dragons are not eating. All in all, they live in Interesting Times.

Tyrion - He Who Drinks and Knows Things - decides to go on a little bunker reconnaissance mission to hashtag free the dragons. The look on Varys’ face as Tyrion took his brave first steps into the cellar was priceless. He may have been scared for Tyrion; he also may have been taking pity on Tyrion’s man curls.

Dragons, as it turns out, are perhaps more flame-y than cats, but both are difficult to wrangle. Tyrion manages to stave off fiery doom by regaling the draggies with a story about how he’d always wanted a pet dragon, and once entreated his father to get him a small one, just like him.

The bitterness in Tyrion’s voice as he told of how Tywin broke the news that the last dragon died a century before was just beautifully played.

Having gained some trust, Tyrion manages to slip the fastener free from the neck lock holding one of the dragons in chains. That prompts the other one to hint, hey, over here! Let me loose too! Which is something I COMPLETELY empathise with, given that you can’t pet one foster kitten without the others all clambering up and demanding their share. Honestly, life covered in kittens is hard people. It’s HARD.

So the dragons are unchained, but they’re not quite free yet. The door to their underground chamber seemed a tad small, so can we expect to see them blasting their way to the open air like Arnold Schwarzenegger blasted through bad guys in Commando? And by attempting to make their home a little more safe, has Tyrion inadvertently invited more destruction?

Arya appears to have finally gotten her groove back in Braavos. Despite another pitiful fighting attempt against The Waif (whom, by the way, it seems has no fans at all. Poor Waif. Have a sandwich), she is met by none other than Jaqen H’ghar, who seems to run her through a final test of whether she’s still clinging to her identity.

If a girl says her name he will feed her, let her inside the temple, restore her sight. Arya replies “A girl has no name” every time, seemingly confirming her willingness to renounce everything about her Stark life. But can it be for good? With Needle still hidden in rocks outside the House of Black and White, can she ever truly be at home in her new home?

As an aside, was it just me, or did Jaqen H’ghar have a little something sexy going on there? I used to think he was a massive creep, but wow, times have changed, even if that little Ginger Spice-style blond highlight hasn’t. He’s kind of mysterious and interesting. I’m also a cliche.

And so, with the rest of the episode neatly wrapped up, let us tie the bow. Let us talk all things Castle Black, and how the most successful career resurrection since Robert Downey Jr got off the smack and into the metal suit went down.

Jon Snow’s faithful friends, including the mighty and wonderful Ser Davos, vowed to fight the traitorous Night’s Watchmen who have them holed up at crossbow-point. As Ser Alliser Trump commands the door to Jon’s room be axed open, the Onion Knight and friends wait, swords drawn, to meet their doom. Did you notice Ghost’s growl at this point? It was the most chilling, other-wordly sound.

But just as the final axe blows landed, a door break of a different kind happened outside. With the heavy boom sounds, I got excited. It could only mean one thing - the HULK! I mean, the GIANT!

As our main man Tormund Giantsbane and the wildlings poured in like I would pour chocolate syrup over Jon Snow’s abs, some of the Black Brothers started dropping their weapons in defeat. When Giant Man responded to an arrow in the shoulder by grabbing the shooter and smashing him into the stone wall, the rest followed.

Seriously though, did you see that bit where the giant smashed that dude into the wall? Oh man, so good.

So in killing Jon Snow to stop the Wildlings from taking over Castle Black, Ser Alliser ended up guaranteeing it. However it wasn’t apparent if he truly appreciated that Valeryian irony, folded over and over. Now he gets to enjoy it from the comfort of a cell - along with Olly, who was very satisfyingly shut down when he attempted to go all stabby-stabby. Take THAT, you horrible metaphor for corrupted childhood.

Jon, of course, was dead through all of this, and Melisandre was busy moping in front of a fire, game face back on.

It was Ser Davos who approached her with the simple question - does the Lord Commander absolutely positively HAVE to be dead? Surely Kate Bush has some spooky dance/priestess powers that would bring him back? Maybe an acapella rendition of Wuthering Heights? “Jon Snow, it’s me, Meli, now come home, you’re so co-oh-oh-old”?

Mutter, mutter, grumble, grumble, went the Red Woman. It’s not possible, it may have happened somewhere else but shouldn’t have, everything she saw was a lie, she’s shit, blah blah blah. Honestly she sounds like someone I know - wait, me! When I’m having a bad day, I totally get into Melisandramatic moods. She probably just needs some fresh cream sponge cake and kitten time.

Anyway, Davos in this moment gets his Oprah on, telling Kate Bush “F*** the gods! I’m asking the woman who showed me miracles exist,” which is not quite “You get a car!” but enough to convince Melisandre to give it a red hot go.

And so we are treated to the sight of Jon Snow, stripped to naked except for modesty slip of muslin, his “junk mound” (a phrase tweeted at me after today’s episode and one that I would now like to enshrine in recap lore) spectacularly visible.

Can you spot the junk mound? #junkmound

Under the watchful eye of Davos, Dolorous Edd (who acquitted himself marvellously in shutting down Ser Alliser’s stunt), Tormund and others, Melisandre washes his wounds, cuts off strands of his hair, then lays her palms on his chest and utters what we assume are holy words of the god R’hllor, or perhaps catchy new lyrics she’s working on.

She repeats the phrase a number of times, even drops in a desperate “please”, but with no effect. Gradually all of Jon’s friends leave the room, no doubt getting the funeral pyre reading for a bonfire and marshmell-Snow roast.

Eventually Davos is the last one remaining, but even he seems to give up.

You know who didn’t give up. ME.

And yeah, also Ghost.

I loved that Ghost stirred first. I desperately wanted it to happen that way, and I was so delighted when his red eyes opened and the hair on the back of his neck shifted.

We then cut to that face, that beautiful face, and watched as the eyes flung open. BAM! And he inhaled. GASP! And I fainted. THUMP! And then teared up. SOB!

Of course, this opens up a bunch of new questions. But for now, let us just celebrate.

He’s home, everyone. Jon Snow is home.

Yay! Best Moments

Clearly the very final few seconds in which Ghost stirred, then Jon Snow breathed his first.

But that literal comedy smackdown by the Zombie Mountain was pure genius.

Zing! Best Lines

“I’m here to help. Don’t eat the help.” Tyrion to the dragons.

“If I ever have another idea like that, punch me in the face.” Tyrion to Varys after leaving the dragons’ lair.

Eww, gross

Ramsay obviously takes this one again, but I also want to send a big I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU to the Karstarks and other northern lords who have abandoned the Starks and hooked up with the Flayed Men. OK, fine, Robb Stark cut off your Dad’s head but COME ON. Surely Ramsay Bolton is a sub-optimal option?

Boo, sucks

No Daenarys this week, but that’s probably understandable given her Vaes Dothrak storyline has the hallmarks of one that might need to be stretched out a tad.

There’s still no Littlefinger, but more importantly, where is Sam Tarly? I need to make sure he’s OK. For reasons that are entirely plot-related and not just because I may have a secret crush on him.

Thank you so much for joining me again this week. I can't wait to read your comments and thoughts, either here on the 'Burger, or via my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/nataliesthrone

Another reminder that I'm running a Patreon campaign this season. If you like the recaps and wish to become a patron, you can sign up and pledge the suggested $1 per recap. Here's the link: www.patreon.com/girlclumsy.

Valar Morghulis (except, in this case it seems, for Jon Snow!)

90 Responses to ‘Raven On S6E2: Home’

ReadYouIWill would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2016
Yep. What you said. Plus I won a bet with myself that the word abtastic would feature, so yay me. And have to agree with your best lines, cause although i thought last weeks zinger was a valid choice, I'm still chortling over "she thinks you want to eat her baby". Which seems somehow very wrong after today's ep (you knowvwhat I mean).

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2016
Congrats on winning the bet, although, to be fair, the odds were fairly good. :)

wendyemily reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
Nat, last night after our beloved woke up (and by the Gods I cheered!) I just couldn't wait to read your recap. And I wanted to talk to someone who could understand but currently living alone (without kittens or Dragons! Sob!) I had no one to laugh & cry with. Even my children weren't answering their phone. Probably busy watching GoT! But oh, the joy, the profound joy! He lives! And all my bad feelings towards the Red Priestess have now vanished. She rocks!
And I just have to say I loved the rest of the ep too. Tyrion and the dragon scene was priceless and our little friend has the best lines in the show. Ever.
And as for Bolton, boo, hiss, we are waiting for our Beloved to take his vengeance and Winterfell back for all the horrible things Ramsay has done. We shall wait in anticipation.

Another brilliant Ravenon Recap and another brilliant episode!

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vitas puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
Oh Littlefinger, isn't he going to be pissed when he finds out his key to the North has done the Harold Holt. Add to that his promise to Cersei to return her.

And how shitty is it that the guy that betrayed and murdered the Starks was the "good" Bolton.

I had this feeling watching it today that we may see a Stark vs Stark vs Snow death-match at sometime, with Sansa on the sidelines screeching how they are ruining everything

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
I just feel like Sansa isn't a sidelines gal anymore...

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Bondiboy66 would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2016
Tyrion really does get all the best lines!

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 2, 2016
So true.

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patrick mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2016
Patreon recap: $1
Being slapped in the face by the twin nipples of plot and character development: priceless

Best recaps in the world .. with the best bosoms.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 2, 2016
We're motorboating our way to recap glory!

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Dylan reckons...

Posted May 2, 2016
You are literally the best. I was reading the current smh recap this arvo and was just like "eh what is this?" , it's not nearly as entertaining as Raven On!

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 2, 2016
I haven't read it fully yet, but I noticed they have a different person to last week. I'll be interested to see if they share it around; will be fun to see different people's opinions!

Louby has opinions thus...

Posted May 9, 2016
Ep 1: Karl Quinn
Ep 2: Lenny Ann Low
Ep 3: ???

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Véronique puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
Only NOW you are starting to crush on Jaqen H’ghar? Those eyes have held me since his first appearance, whacking Aria's prayer list. And voice. And face.

(Since I'm older, I've been crushing on Ser Davos for a long time too. Jon Snow is clearly overbooked already.)

Thanks for another essential recap!

she_jedi mutters...

Posted May 2, 2016
Oh hells yes! I'm with you on Jaqen H'ghar, since season 2. *High five*

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2016
Yeah, I totally pinged him as "Creepy Rapey Guy" for the second season, which was the first one I recapped.

Only now am I starting to see his charms.

And I totally get Ser Davos too - honour is very attractive!

sunny has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
IKR? Where have you BEEN Natalie! From the first appearance of Jaqen I was hoping for more - I was so pleased when Arya landed there...

Mother of nothing puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Ser Davos, the "older" woman's Snow. I've always fancied a bit of onion myself

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she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2016
Oh man, I couldn't help it when I heard the thumping on the gates of Castle Black and they burst open to reveal Stampy the Giant. That's the second episode in which I've clapped and cheered. This is becoming a habit.

Fantastic recap Nat, thank you so much yet again. I told a Thrones obsessed friend at work today about your recaps and your podcast, and also told him if he didn't love both we could no longer be friends. No pressure or anything.

Does anyone else think JSnow warged into Ghost, and Ghost's waking up was the Snow making it back into his own body again? Or is that just my crazy fan theory?

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2016
STAMPY! I cannot believe I forgot the nickname I gave him. Next time!

I did wonder about the warging concept - maybe that's why the direwolf wouldn't leave the body, because he knew he might get back in there.

Gingernuts would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
You should keep a list, Nat. I have done for the past two seasons of your recaps.

And it sits proudly next to my list of GoT nicknames from Funny Or Die's "Gay of Thrones" video recaps, which are the second-best recaps found anywhere.

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Mark ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2016
I enjoy your recaps almost as much as the show... (well OK perhaps not that much) but you're good, and passionate about your plot (read abs!). You rock.

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2016
Awww, thanks Mark. :)

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Bob ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2016
Hi Natalie, is there any way people can pay for your reviews without having to register? I think you'd get more that way if there was a guest option.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
I don't know, to be honest. However I've had a few people ask if they could contribute via PayPal, so perhaps I could investigate that as an option.

But honestly, it is totally optional, I just want to repeat that!

Geezer points out puts forth...

Posted May 5, 2016
What a fake comment. Not a genuine enquiry, just a reminder from the author to put money in her begging bowl.

Geezer points out reckons...

Posted May 5, 2016
What a fake comment. Not a genuine enquiry, just a reminder from the author to put money in her begging bowl.

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Mick puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
Did you notice how John Snow came back ...... dressed for Mardi Gras. Makes you wonder what he was up to in the after life.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
I feel there wasn't really enough body glitter for Mardi Gras, but that's just me...

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Rhino puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
You had me at twin nipples.

Speaking of which, I believe someone (Stu) should organize (Stu) a bracket style (Stu) smack down to crown the Best Breasts of GoT.

It will reaffirm the power of the patriarchy. We will sip whisky, smoke cigars and eats candied pig's flesh as we discuss the various attributes of the contestants. Each round, as it were, will be a fierce competition.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it appears that I need to attend to my #junkmound

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girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2016
Look, I will only be a party to such competitive lollygagging when there is equal opportunity. So the show needs more male full frontal. Then we can compare apples with apples, as it were.

#junkmound

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Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Will send under the kilt pics later per your request.

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Rhino reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
OK, here's an off-color question, since junkmound is now a thing, in GoT, if a woman's riding pants are tight and ride up, does is it fair to say that she is displaying dragon-toe?

Tones has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
Ka-ching..."Dragon Toe"!!! Brilliant, thanks Rhino

Mother of nothing ducks in to say...

Posted May 4, 2016
Excellent. *snorts*

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Tarryn puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yes, Sam Tarly needs more love! I've been crushing on him for the longest time.
I'm exciting to finally see Yara and Bran again. Maybe this is the year for forgotten plotlines to finally recommence. Is perhaps a tired Gendry rowing to shore slated for the near future?

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EFL asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
My Queen - I despaired when I found your throne at the Fairfax Keep usurped by another less worthy monarch. I pledged to search every corner of the internet until I could lay my sword at your feet. Now it with great rejoicing that I have found you. Hail Natalie, First of her Name, Queen of the Recaps, Mother of Kittens and Rightful Heir to the Throne : I offer my service. I will shield your back and keep your council and give my life for yours (or your kittens) if need be. I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
PS - I just read last week's recap and agree with you totally about Dothraki-Python. Hilarious especially because "Nobody expects the Dothraki Inquisition!"
PPS - Isn't BOO HISS Ramsay a completely nasty piece of work! He needs the uppiest of comeuppances at some point in the near future. Maybe squealing like the cowardly man-child we know him to be as either a dragon or the White Walker King eat his face off.
PPSS - Adore your recaps and have looked everywhere for Season 2 but they are harder to find than the Stark children. Any clues as to where I might look?

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
"Nobody expects the Dothraki Inquisition!" Pure gold sir/madam/gender neutral equivalent, pure gold!

Lady EFL asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Thanks she_jedi! I've always wanted to use that but never found exactly the right time or place. And sorry - name should have been as above but my kitten decided to stomp across the keyboard and hit enter before I could fix it ....

she_jedi is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
It's always kittens! Just as well the adorable little monsters can get away with murder :)

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Rob puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
For those who missed it.

All the other absurdities ended with this:

Man: Can we have a chat?
Priestess: Sure, waddup?
Man: I don't believe in your God, but could you, um, like, you know, bring this dude back from the dead?
Priestess: Hey! What? Um, I don't do that sort of thing. Plus, my God has forsaken me so I give up on everything religous.
Man: But I've seen you do other weird shit
Priestess: OK, you've convinced me, let's give it a crack, never done it myself, I have no idea but somehow I know the ritual so why not!?
Man: Sweet
Priestess: I'll just sponge bath these abs...
Priestess: Hummanna hummanna resurrectus emo-ness self-pity-us my faith is weak and the night is time for sleeping
Priestess: Bugger, I give up
Man: Bugger

Benny Hill troupe leave

Body: I think I'll open my eyes now...

Pathetic. The only way it could get any worse is if it turns out his dad was really the carpenter...

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2016
This is the same Rob from Facebook, isn't it? It's been a tough 24 hours for you, buddy. You need a kitten. :)

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PK mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Another great cap. Brilliant to see Balon Greyjoy perish. We've been waiting for that third shoe to drop since Melisandre's leech BBQ in season 3.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Oh yeah! I forgot about the leeches!

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M'Lady puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Brilliant as always mother of kittens. Seems that by you breaking free from your shackles and moving to cheeseburger gothic has gifted us with longer more awesome recaps. Can you remind us (me because I've forgotten everything) whether Ser Davos knows that Shireen is dead? From memory he does but not how she died / who was responsible etc?

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
To be fair, I was always long-winded. But there's been so much happening so far! It takes a while to talk about!

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
As for Davos - I don't think he knows that Shireen was burned, but you'd have to suspect that given Stannis is dead and his arm blown to hell, and the fact she hasn't come back means he's holding out little hope for Shireen.

Mother of nothing asserts...

Posted May 4, 2016
He does know she's dead I'm sure, but he doesn't know how and what Melisdandre had to do with it AFAIK. For me the red lady has not and will never be redeemed after that. I'll be interested to see if she has gets any divine retribution for that despicable act other than a fit of pique and saggy tits. I hope so.

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Sparty2 puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Well Spock sorry Snow was dead a long time but fortunately he had transferred his Katra to McCoy sorry Ghost so he didn't come back all wrong like Khal Drogo.
Tense ep with standout scene including Tyrions Dragon wrangling but a reference to "empire" earked me. Does the term exist in westerosi- has an empire ever existed?

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Barnesm ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Well this season seems to have picked up the pacing, I heard a rumor that there is to be only 10 episodes after this season to conclude the story.

I would have though Roose Boulton would have been expecting treachery from Ramsey. I half hoped they would have simultaneously killed each other, though its good news for the North since Ramsey while as driven for power as Roose is no strategist. Being stark raving mad will do that to you.

Where can I get my 'I drink and I know things' T-Shirt?

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
OMG I need to make that t-shirt. DAN. DAN. DAN. (He doesn't read this, he's avoiding spoilers as he hasn't seen the episodes yet).

she_jedi reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
I will throw money at you for a shirt if you do a print run! Dan's done this for SE2KB, I'm sure it's not hard :)

Lady EFL puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Oh man ... I want one too. So very much.

Respond to this thread

T. MANNING asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Can a girl un-know that phrase now " junk mound" - I am haunted.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
The junk mound is now forever in your mind's eye....

#junkmound

Louby reckons...

Posted May 9, 2016
Dragon toe. So much better than camel.

Respond to this thread

mandois mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yes Roose is gawn - now for that piece of work Walder Frey - or did I miss his death somewhere??

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yes, I've been having a bit of discussion on Twitter with some peeps about how Walder Frey will respond to his daughter and grandson's murder.

While yes, he is prone to getting snarky about snubs (cough Red Wedding), I am leaning towards thinking he won't care as much. After all, he wanted to marry children off because "they pile up". A dead one won't be too much bother.

The loss of the grandson is more likely to have an impact. But then if Ramsay's army is strong enough to route the Twins' defences, then Frey may have to just stew in his own decrepid juices for a while.

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jmound puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Would that Australian comedian happen to be Jim Jefferies? He's the worst!!!! Boooo Hissss Jim Joffre.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Oh, I have a list, jmound. Love the name, by the way. #junkmound

Respond to this thread

flöki snöw would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
I do love a bodice ripping recap and now for Ollie to get his well earned comeuppance and to quote our favourite dwarf "spikes, heads, walls".

she_jedi puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
I couldn't help but jeer and say awful things to Olly as he was dragged away to his cell. Very much in the #StuHatesOlly camp if one is up to date with the recap podcast :)

Respond to this thread

Adrian McKinty has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
ok so this is my guess for the arc of S6 now what we all thought was going to happen has happened:

Ramsay and allies v Snow and allies will be the big battle that always happens in ep 9. In the scenes from next week Ramsay's men have captured someone. We're supposed to think it's Theon but I bet it's Rickon. Little Rickon will be flayed. Ramsay will be killed in the big battle.

Dany will cool her heels in Essos and wait until S7.

Cersei will get her revenge on the Dornians and religious nuts.

er, that's about it, really.

S7 will see the Night's King move his army over the wall and set up the apocalyptic battle with Dany and her dragons which I guess is how S8 will end...

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
That is comprehensive!

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kraimiam asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
"Join me please, as I release the tension in my bosoms and shove the twin nipples of plot and character development right in your face."

Ba ha ha - I just spat coffee all over my keyboard. I love your recaps.

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Dee mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
My favourite line went to Roose. 'I didn't suppose Sansa took them all on by herself.' When talking about Ramsays men being taken out.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yeah, that was pretty ace. I'm going to miss Roose's put downs, he was sharp as.

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zorm mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
I thought Roose Bolton missed a classic chance at a farewell line. Having him spit out "You bastard!" at Ramsay in his death throes would have been perfect.

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Dave has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
great recaps, a must not miss.

Was it my imagination or did J.Snow's Junkmound rise when the red witch was playing with his abs?

You might need to have another look ( or 2 or 3 )

Theon will finally rid us of Ramsey.

Did you see the re show and post shows last week? Even the actor who plays Ramsey was booed by the crew we had watching, the poor guy will never be able to act in a rom- com.

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2016
Hmmm, I don't recall seeing that, but as a dedicated recappespondent, I shall go back and watch the scene over and over and over and over until I do.

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Sousy wench has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
Whilst I was happy to finally catch up with Bran, ecstatic to see the return of Jon, and was all round fairly pleased that those plot threads are starting to pull together after 5 seasons of meandering off in the wild, it was the sight of Hodor that had me running around the house crying Hodor, Hodor?, HODOR!! To the consternation of my very confused cat.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Stupid cats. They don't understand the simple joy of Hodor.

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Dean asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Well well well ... I see Fairfax have a new (female) GOT recapperette who tries to take a sassy/sexy/funny view on the recap ! Now WHERE on earth did they get that idea ? http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/game-of-thrones-season-six-episode-two-recap-finally-the-truth-about-jon-snow-20160502-gojuwj.html

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
The worst part is that she didn't manage to be sassy, sexy or funny! The new recappaspondents don't seem to understand that a good recap isn't simply a recitation of what happened - we know what happened, we watched the episode. We want analysis, and someone's take on what happened. And we want borderline inappropriate jokes about Jon Snow's abs and all the other value adds that Nat chucks in. Hence her recaps being the bloody gold standard in recapping in this country. Not that I'm biased or anything.

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Slim Jim mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
I always figured Roose’s knack for keeping Ramsay in line was that smooth baritone voice of his.

He was my favourite character in the series; chiefly because everything he said sounded cool as f*ck.

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Allen mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Just finished comparing the Age recap with the Nat cap and you win hands down..."release the tension in my bosoms and shove the twin nipples of plot and character development"... indeed... pure gold
By the way, this from someone who does not watch GoT

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Di puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Finally, we get an admission - the main man of GOT is Tormund Giantsbane. Mmmmmmm

I was expecting Jon to come back but not that way. I was kinda expecting him to walk out of his funeral pyre aka Dany.

And yes, how is Sam going. And right after Sam, can we have a quick check up on Gendry? Just a quick one. We haven't seen him for 2 seasons, after all.

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2016
but if Jon Snow walked out of his funeral pyre then would that confirm his Targaryen heritage. They probably want to keep that under their hats a bit longer.

Now Tyrion's turn with the dragons makes me wonder if Tywin hated him because he wasn't a Lanister.

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Mother of Whippets is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
I'm not sure what I miss most during the off season ... the show itself or your recaps. “Jon Snow, it’s me, Meli, now come home, you’re so co-oh-oh-old” has had me smiling all day :)

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Lorn mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
You rock. That is all.

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The Spinster ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Jon's junkmound and Nat's twin peaks belong together, like islands in the stream (or underground mountain cave rockpool). I immediately thought about Natalie's reaction when they cut to Jon in the loincloth and I knew this recap was going to be genius.

Were we supposed to recognise the blonde teenage boy and the knight in the helmet in the preview for next episode? Was is Catlyn's brother who had the very eventful wedding in the helmet?

The Spinster asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
I just realised that Bran is standing watching it, it's a flashback to the tower of joy. Holy shitballs. I bet it's an effing cliffhanger into episode 4 or 5. I cannot even wait a week. Torture. Proper Ramsey Bolton style torture.

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Procrastinati mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Being the MoK, I trust you part with the occasional patreonal shekel on kitty litter. I pondered this as Tyrion cautiously entered the dungeon. GoT has rarely avoided the scatological (Cersei's walk and Tywin's death whilst seeking ablution come to mind). Given that Rhaegal and Viserion's hunger strike only began when Daenerys departed Meereen, that they have been downstairs for some length of time and that they are pure carnivores, it occurred to me that there would have been such a "theon" of dragon doo-doo as to knock an imp onto his back. Tyrion didn't even offer a furtive sniff! Further, whilst I am uncertain of the gender assignation of Viserion & Rhaegal, they've been holed up in close proximity with little to occupy them. They appear mature enough - might there be a clutch of eggs hidden away somewhere?

Recap on MoK. As has been noted previously, you reign supreme!

Mother of nothing reckons...

Posted May 4, 2016
Dragon scat. Never crossed my mind, but now permanently etched therein. I simply love throners.

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girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted May 4, 2016
Holy crap - literally! I never even thought about the dragon poop issue.

Major discussion point for next week's recap, I think. Where's the poop?

Unless maybe, being all flame-y, their stomachs and guts simply smoke the waste away. Maybe there is no waste - OR it's all just wind-related. But still, you'd expect a stench then.

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 5, 2016
Nah, they keep their nests clean and burn the poo.

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Drogon The Kitten has opinions thus...

Posted May 4, 2016
Mhysaaaa..... A million thanks again for pooting forth with the Raspberry Ripples and layin' yet another "Genus Edition" of Raven On us, your adoring floof balls. I was diggin' the most on the exchange between Yara and Uncle Aeron in the nut numbing waters of the iron graveyard, did he say "Mook" ? Anyway, with the eminent return of Theon The Lesser and Uncle Euron The Cra Cra lurking creepily on the inter-turret, there's gunna be some serious fish slappin' going down in tuna town baby !
My money's on Yara, she's an iron balled boss ready to reap some Pyke on the lowly pretenders, Go Yara !!!

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OE ducks in to say...

Posted May 4, 2016
I profess to be the bluntest instrument of all time.
Nat's intro mentioning Christianty and questionable parentage is one-of-the best. This blog is worth supporting.

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OE ducks in to say...

Posted May 4, 2016
I profess to be the bluntest instrument of all time.
Nat's intro mentioning Christianty and questionable parentage is one-of-the best. This blog is worth supporting.

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River Duke asserts...

Posted May 5, 2016
Three cheers for Kayboosh the the magic milf.

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Missed you... would have you know...

Posted May 6, 2016
I just assumed you vanished until a work colleague pointed me over here for this season's recaps. Excellent as always!!!!!!!!

BEST LINES: do NOT agree with the 'punch me in the face' line. Tyrion backs himself, he would not have even said this. Actually he missed an opportunity to have another crack at varys with "well that took balls, lucky I was here huh?"

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Respond to 'Raven On S6E2: Home'

Raven On S6E1: The Red Woman

Posted April 25, 2016 into Raven On by girlclumsy

***SPOILER WARNING!***

Only read if you have seen Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode One.

Oh, Brienne’s face! Oh, Cersei’s face! Oh, Melisandre’s face (and parts beyond)!

Beloved Throners, come here. Come into the light. Let your Mother of Kittens see your beautiful faces. It’s been too long, but look, you’re as sensual as ever. Your lips are like firm ripe sausages, your skin as soft as a fluffy towel, and your eyes as piercing as a Dornish spear through the back of a skull.

Your humble recappespondent is so glad to be back with you. Let us shake off any initial awkwardness (perhaps along with our robes?) and buckle down to some hardcore recapping.

It’s all become clear why the Hall of Faces has been the lynchpin of HBO’s advertising for Season Six of Game of Thrones.

For not only did this debut episode do its usual job of going around the Westeros/Essos grounds more efficiently than a hoarder on kerbside collection day, it put its faces right in our face. Whether it was facing off, facing up, facing facts or saving face, we were left in no doubt how our favourites and not-so-favourites (that’s you, Ramsay, you c***g*****m s***h***t) are positioned for the season ahead.

Of course our most beloved face remained heart-stoppingly still for the entire episode, but don’t worry, I’m not panicking about that at all. Sure, I gulped a Xanax smoothie directly after the episode finished, but I remain confident we’re going to see a Snow drift back into our lives very soon. Somebody turn on Jefferson Airplane - it’s time to dive down the rabbit hole and get fr-ea-ky.

Episode 1: The Red Woman

It began as it ended - with Jon Snow dead in his namesake. Luckily Ghost’s howls of pain were loud enough to be heard over the biting north winds, drawing Ser Davos to the sight of Jon’s exquisite corpse.

Dolorous Edd and a small pool of other faithful friends gathered to help Davos take Jon inside and lay him on his Lord Commander’s desk. A good choice; I too would lay Jon on his Lord Commander’s desk should the opportunity ever arise. There’s a joke there about rigor mortis, but I am far too classy a recappespondent to make it.

This coming together of like-minded, Jon-friendly souls - aka, decent godsdamn people - was such a joy to watch. Edd figured out immediately that Ser Alliser Thorne, a guy who’d give Richard Nixon a run in the shitty personality stakes, was responsible for Jon’s death, and only a few people (and Ghost!) could be trusted.

I suspect Ser Davos, a one-time smuggler, was always a natural leader, before Stannis showed him mercy by chopping off his fingers. Stannis is gone, but that has not left Ser Davos floundering like any run-of-the-mill dependant lieutenant. We see ample evidence of his natural capacity to give orders, act wisely, and judge character as he works out how to deal with this latest turn of events. He’s the one who figures out despite being outgunned, outmanned, and outplanned by the rest of the traitorous watch, there is no point in facing a quick death by trying to kill as many traitorous Night’s Watchmen as possible, which was Edd’s initial plan.

Ser Davos reminds him they weren’t the only friends Jon had, and Edd gets the message - it's the Wildlings, stupid! He slips out to no doubt light a fire under Tormund Giantsbane’s capacious bottom, while the others stay holed up to protect Jon’s body.

The always antagonistic relationship between Melisandre and Davos appears to be thawing, as she’s the only person the faithful group will let in to examine the corpse. It makes sense, given they have a lot more in common now. Crestfallen by the realisation Stannis was not her mythical warrior of prophecy, she suffers a double blow with the loss of Jon, and her face is truly worth pitying. “I saw him in the flames, fighting at Winterfell,” she intones, no doubt crushed by the thought of not having the opportunity to knock up a shadow baby with him. Sorry, Kate Bush, but there’s nothing in that man’s eyes, let alone a child.

Thorne himself is quite happy to declare his role in The Most Beautiful Boy in the World’s demise, convincing the Black Brothers he had to do what he did because Jon would have ruined the Watch with all that “tolerance” and “big picture thinking”. Actually, forget Nixon, Alliser Thorne is really Donald Trump. Next he’ll be making the Wildlings pay for repairs to The Wall.

Jon’s temporary mausoleum is surrounded by his one-time brothers, and Ser Alliser Trump insists they’ll be treated fairly if they give up. He even offers to let Ser Davos ride south as a free man, complete with a fresh horse. “And mutton,” Ser Davos demands, with more cheek than a faulty g-string.

For the Onion Knight has Ser Alliser Trump’s measure, and the group agrees that if they let him in, they will be slaughtered. While they hope Edd and the Wildlings can make it back before sundown, Ser Davos suggests recruiting Melisandre. “What can one woman do against forty men?” one watchmen cries, and Seaworth’s face is priceless. “You haven’t seen her do what I’ve seen her do,” he responds, his seemingly forgotten hatred of Melisandre a confirmation of his status as a good guy. Which puts him in terrible, terrible risk. Please don’t kill Ser Davos.

And quick aside - anybody else notice that Olly sure did age up between last night when he stabbed Jon Snow, and this morning when he attended the Watch meeting with Ser Alliser? Must have been one of those growth spurts.

Of course we waited the rest of the episode (don’t worry, I’ll get to that) to see Kate Bush launch into a stirring rendition of Don’t Give Up, do some spooky Asshai magic and un-Avada Kedavra Jon Snow. But no.

It turns out that Kate Bush isn’t the only chanteuse with whom Melisandre has something in common. She goes a little bit Barbra Streisand when she removes her robe and her bejewelled choker to show us that The Mirror Has Two Faces. Beneath her porcelain skin and firm, youthful musculature (and boobs) stands the face and body of a woman far, far older. Stooped, sagged, grey, glorious.

In one image, it’s an indictment on what a woman must do to have power in this world. Melisandre draws on sexual energy; ergo, the face she presents must remain young, beautiful, tempting. My reaction is a classic contemporary feminazi dilemma - my soul screams hooray, but my vanity wonders where I could pick up one of those handy chokers. I’m generally a rationalist type, but if following the Lord of Light means being able to magick yourself into a slim seductress, sign me up. My overly extensive collection of make-up and diet shakes indicates I’m already a sucker for any cult that promises eternal youth and pert buns.

Still, I hope resurrection will be on the cards in episode two. After all, Jon Snow’s body has yet to be burned, so it’s still ripe for re-entry. Into the world, of course. And I’m sure Kate Bush will bounce back. She is the Rubbaband Girl after all.

In Winterfell, BOOOO HISSSS Ramsay Bolton is “mourning” his mistress Myranda, who face-planted into the cobblestones courtesy of a well-timed Theon Greyjoy shove. A kennel master’s daughter, she was one fearless bitch, and he pledges to repay the pain she suffered one thousand times over. Oh joy, as if Ramsay needed more levels.

BOOO HISSSS Roose Bolton congratulates his son on routing Stannis’s army, and confirms that the last Baratheon brother did indeed met his end. Suck on that, Stannis-Is-Alive conspiracy theorists. Roose, calm as always, then works to undermine Ramsay’s confidence by reminding him that a broken Baratheon army is no match for a properly prepped Lannister onslaught. And if Ramsay doesn’t find Sansa, his legitimising claim-bride, that’s exactly what will happen. “A reckoning will come,” Roose monotones, intriguingly calm about potential ruination at the hands of angry North Men.

The elder Bolton then issues the mother of all passive-aggressive threats. If there’s no Sansa, then Ramsay can’t sire an heir. And if he has no heir, well… “Let us hope the maesters are right and Lady Walla will have a boy.” Oh GOSH I hope that happens. Actually, wait, maybe I don’t. I get the feeling Ramsay will treat a boy child worse than old Craster north of the wall.

Ramsay’s hounds are in hot pursuit of Theon Greyjoy and Sansa Stark, who are running through wintry forest in an exemplary tribute to Taylor Swift’s Out of the Woods video clip. Sansa can’t face going into a freezing river to hide their scent, but Theon gently but urgently convinces her. It’s a gorgeous moment of trust, and another step in the Redemption of Reek. And it makes us realise there was an upside to the whole whiskaway-willy situation - no shrinkage.

The tactic is in vain however, since Bolton’s men eventually find the pair. Theon tries to hide Sansa in the roots of a fallen tree, but it’s no good. All seems lost, with the Flayed Man decorative motifs on the soldier’s backs a stark reminder of what punishment may await them back at Winterfell.

AND THEN THE MOST AWESOME OF AWESOME THINGS TO EVER AWESOME HAPPENS.

Brienne, beautiful, mighty, brave Brienne, gallops up on her horse and F***S SHIT RIGHT UP.

Oh man, what utter joy. She is thrown from her horse, set upon by Boltonese bastards, but gets back up and keeps fighting, slitting throats with glorious gusto. Even Podrick Payne, her batman (or should that be Robin to Brienne’s Batman?) manages to stab off a goon.

And when Podrick himself is threatened, it’s Theon who grabs a discarded sword and plunges it into the back of the attacker. It’s a callback to Season One, when Theon shot the Wildling holding Bran hostage. Despite all that has happened to him, all his own screw ups, loyalty to the Starks remains a deeply held value. Oh Gods, I think I’ve developed a massive soft spot for Theon. This cannot end well (for a variety of reasons).

With the BOOOO HISSSS Bolton drones dispensed with, it only remains for Brienne to once again pledge her sword and service to Sansa, just as she did to her mother Catelyn. Sansa, long past her “brave knights and fair ladies” stage, still knows how to conjour the courtly language when the need arises. Although she doesn’t quite get through her part of the pledge without a little help from Pod, which is possibly the most adorable moment of the show.

Brienne’s face as she is accepted by Sansa is transformatively beautiful. She is not whole without a purpose, a reason to fight, someone to protect. Her face glows, and it’s not just the glare off the snow. Once again, it’s the women of Game of Thrones showing what true courage looks like, and I couldn’t be more thrilled at this new Scooby gang.

Down in King’s Landing Cersei Lannister gave us good face as she waited for the boat bringing Myrcella Water back to her. After her Walk of Shame, the arrival of her beloved only daughter would be some welcome news. And as much as I loathe Cersei in so many ways, I couldn’t help my heart breaking for her as she realised her daughter was dead.

Later, as she and Jaime reflected on their loss, she talked about how good, sweet and pure Myrcella Water was. “I don’t know where she came from,” she said. “She was nothing like me, no meanness or jealousy.” Throners, I couldn’t help it. I LOVED Cersei in that instant. The self-awareness is stinging. I had never thought Cersei really knew herself, but she does, she really does. She knows she is incapable of basic decency, and so her fight to keep her children safe was not just lioness pride, but the knowledge that they kept a check on her character flaws. They gave her humanity.

Of course, right on cue, Jaime was there to fire her up again with his stirring mantra: “F*** prophecy, f*** fate, f*** everyone who isn’t us.” Reflective Cersei will no doubt be boxed away again quickly, clamped down on more tightly than extreme kegels. Let off the leash to indulge in her flaws, Cersei will no doubt cause chaos once more.

We catch a brief glimpse of Margaery Tyrell, aka the Queen of King Tommen, aka Royal Clothes Horse and Baby Maker Kate Middleton. Huddled away in her cell, her former finery reduced to rags her life appears to have become an episode of Prisoner, with the stern Septa Unella doing a fine impression of The Freak, interrupting scripture readings with calls to “Confess!”.

“She is over zealous,” explains the High Sparrow, who comes in to offer nothing much more than cheap talk to Margaery, frankly. He doesn’t give her any information on whether her brother Slow Lorus is OK, and despite her insistence that she doesn’t have any crimes to confess to, maintains she has a long road to travel. Before what? Will she be made do a Cersei strut herself? Honestly, what is Big Bird playing at? He’s a true believer, surely. But what good is all this relentless purging? Will he only be happy when everyone else is wearing grubby oversized nightshirts like him?

And hey, what about all that death in Dorne? Poor Prince Doran, so trusting of the villainous and passionate Ellaria Sand. He told her to stop plotting, so she must have stopped. Like seven hells she did. That was a classic Game of Thrones "Surprise! Murder!" moment, when Doran opened up the raven's note, gasped in surprise at the news of Myrcella Water's death, then copped a dagger to the chest courtesy of his dead brother's paramour. Daughter Nymeria was in action too, taking out Area Hotah (possibly the most thankless role in the show to date?), and the messenger, while the guards stood silent.

It was a particularly brutal scene, watching Ellaria stand tall over a bleeding Prince Doran, begging for the life of his son. Doran knew himself; knew he was not an adventurer like the dead Oberyn, but was the kind of ruler the Red Viper never could be. Who cares, says Ellaria. You're weak, you don't know your people, you don't know that they hate you. Of course, we don't really know either, given the Dornish scenes so far show only royals and palace guards in the damn place, but that's a budget issue. "Weak men will not be allowed to rule Dorne anymore," she declares. Valar Morghulis, indeed.

Over in Meereen (home of the prized Meereeno wool), Varys and Tyrion are taking a stroll around a city at a standstill. Disguised as merchants, they see the damage caused by the Sons of the Harpy rebellion and Daenarys’ flight. Hungry citizens, scrappy prayer meetings, Lord of Light infiltration, murderers around every corner, insubordinate street art - and the whole of Daenarys’ fleet up in flames. “I guess we’re not going to Westeros after all,” quips Tyrion. How will they rule a city where they are no longer welcome (“Mhysa is a Master/Kill the Masters”), and have lost their one unifying symbol, the Queen?

Jorah Mormont and Daario “Maario” Noharis are on the hunt for the Khaleesi, following a trail of dragon leftovers up into the mountains of the Dothraki Sea. They discuss reasons why she might not have come back, including, as Maario suggests, escaping from “men like us”. “I’ve been all over the world,” replies Jorah. “And there’s no escaping men like us.”

Oh, boom. “Men like us”. Men who mean well, but do bad things. JORAH SUMS UP THE PATRIARCHY, YO.

He also manages to find Daenarys’ pearl ring, a really lucky coincidence when you think about it. But the ring confirms that she’s been taken by a Dothraki horde, and he and Maario continue their rescue mission. Because they are men like them. Jorah’s greyscale is spreading, but he says nothing of it. Because he is a man like him.

As for Dany herself, she’s busy being subjected to physical flagellation and verbal affronts courtesy of two Dothraki bloodriders.

They make all manner of lewd suggestions about her hair, whether the carpets match the drapes, all that sort of thing. They threaten her with sexual violence, although one does cheerfully suggest that he prefers his sexual conquests to be able to talk, “otherwise we are just dogs”. Ahh, the sensitivity the Dothraki are known for.

Eventually Dany is brought before a new Khal, Moro. Now Moro in my dictionary means the Cadbury Mars Bar ripoff currently only found clogging up boxes of Favourites (closely followed by the Cherry Ripe and the Turkish Delight), so he sounds too delicious to be scary.

Dany informs Khal Chocolate Bar that she is Daenarys Stormborn, of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons, Yada of Yada. He doesn’t seem impressed, and intends to have her for himself that night, despite the protestations of his wives that she must be a witch.

Like a true dudebro, he only backs off when Dany tells him she was married to Khal Drogo. It turns out to be forbidden to touch widows of former Khals. And, it is known, that the only suitable life for a former Khaleesi is hanging about in Vaes Dothrak with all the other widows. Dany is not impressed. Jorah said she was too smart to enjoy being Queen of Meereen. That remains true, but it’s got to be a better option than, to misquote Satre, “Hell with Other Horse People”.

Yay! Best Moments

Honestly, the Brienne/Bolton Battle was hard to beat. But for comedy’s sake, I have to make it the Python-esque scenario of Khal Nougat-and-Caramel describing seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time as the finest thing in life, only to be challenged by his bloodriders. “OK fine!” he eventually concedes. “Seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is one of the top five finest things in life!” I tell you, nobody expected that from this episode.

Zing! Best Lines

I was sorry to see poor Trystane Martell dispensed with so early in the piece. He was a very dishy young thing, and was very likely going to be added to my ogling roster. However, the master stroke - Obara Sand’s spear through the back of his head - really was a master stroke. And it allowed her sister Tyene to deliver the corker line “You’re a greedy bitch, you know that?” I noticed that the Sand Snakes had sexy new costumes this time around; maybe they’re going to step up the zingers as well.

Ewww, gross

Ramsay Bolton’s breathtaking declaration that Myranda’s body was “good meat” and should be fed to the dogs was as disgustingly messed up as it was completely and utterly expected.

Boo, sucks

Arya’s brief appearance as a blind beggar on the streets of Braavos seemed a bit tacked on. Don’t get me wrong, I love Arya as much as the next gal, but I want her plotline to move faster. I know, I know, she’s got to pay for her mistake in taking a face when she wasn’t yet No One, but damn it, Meryn Trant deserved that eye stabbing. And a bit of street biffo with That-other-chick-from-the-House-of-Black-and-White-who-doesn’t-seem-to-have-a-name-and-so-is-really-hard-to-reference just wasn’t that exciting.

Apart from that, my only complaint was the lack of action for some characters we so love to watch/hate watch. For example - no Littlefinger? I mean, I hate the guy like I hate tomato on a sandwich, but it would’ve been nice to place him somewhere so I can keep a watchful eye on the creep. A glimpse of the gorgeously goofy Sam Tarly would have been a sight for sore eyes. And I was so hoping to see Bran and Hodor again! No Hodor! Denied!

That’s it for our first episode, beloved Throners. Another nine juicy hour-long morsels to savour. Oooh, my mouth is watering more than a sweaty gardener flagrantly ignoring drought restrictions.

Remember, you can comment here on the ‘Burger, or join up at my Facebook page. I’m also experimenting with a Patreon campaign this season. If you like these recaps and can afford it, I’m asking you to consider paying $1 per recap.

Thank you all SO much for joining me again this season. These recaps honestly are soul food for me, and your comments and discussion points are the most delicious of desserts. Valar Morghulis!

101 Responses to ‘Raven On S6E1: The Red Woman’

Cee mumbles...

Posted April 25, 2016
I feel I need more time to digest the amazing first episode and this pun-tastic recap before I respond but I wanted to chip in now to say hooray for season 6 and hooray for your recaps.

Respond to this comment

MONICA mutters...

Posted April 25, 2016
Fabulous, Ive missed you!

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted April 26, 2016
I missed you more!

bruiser asserts...

Posted April 26, 2016
I missed you most!

Respond to this thread

Catherine is gonna tell you...

Posted April 25, 2016
I love your work. I think you have written more words about one episode than you have an entire series.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted April 26, 2016
That would not surprise me. I am overly verbose. But there are so many things to say! :)

Respond to this thread

Bob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 25, 2016
Excellent review. Please send all leftover Moros and Turkish delights.

trib has opinions thus...

Posted April 26, 2016
Greedy! You can have the Moros and I'll take the Turkish Delights. Or we can split, even though I'm not really a fan of Moros.
Also, yay for excellent recaps - with here, AV Club, and Pajiba, we are blessed indeed.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted April 26, 2016
Now, now, let there be no fighting over chocolates.
Actually, scratch that, I'm taking the Mint Bubbly and Dream bars and you two can duke it out in Draznak's Pit. :)

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vitas asserts...

Posted April 25, 2016
It took me a while to track down where these recaps would be, but it was worth the effort. It's not really Game of Thrones without Nat's recap.

I'm really keen on the story up north this season - the Wall, the wildlings, Sansa & Theon, Bran (?), the Bolton's, Littlefinger and that bastard Snow

As always 9/10. You've lost points previously for liking that damn Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie, and this time you lost a point for dissing Cherry Ripe's.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
"Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" is solid, Vitas. SOLID.

I agree with you on the northern storylines though! They'll certainly be crucial to the long game. Now that Sansa has teamed up with Brienne, I'm also hoping for stabbing. LOTS of stabbing.

Melissa swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016

Respond to this thread

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted April 25, 2016
My goodness this recap went up promptly, your speed of recapping only exceeded by your witty bom mots.

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
Don't get used to it - I had the public holiday on my side!

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Trent mumbles...

Posted April 25, 2016
Yeah I dont know about that comedy routine with the Dothraki. It was like sitcom humour and didnt fit with the rest of the thrones subtle humour. Felt very out of place to me.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
I take your point. I think because it was in Dothraki they got away with it. Had it been in the Common Tongue it would have been too obvious.

KP mumbles...

Posted April 26, 2016
Me too. It really jarred. It was funny, but nobody expects funny from the Dothraki do they?

Gingernuts mumbles...

Posted April 26, 2016
Jeez, I dunno. When Dany's brother asked for a crown of gold, the Dothraki pulled one of the funniest practical jokes ever, I thought.

Louby puts forth...

Posted May 9, 2016
Yay!!!! I found her. Also, yes, best practical joke ever. And can I have the Moro? Better than mars anyway.

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Steerforth has opinions thus...

Posted April 25, 2016
"more efficiently than a hoarder on kerbside collection day." Just for that, I'll track your Patreon down and give you a dollar.
(If there is more laying of Jon down on his Lord Commander's desk I'll give you two.)

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
Under great suffering, I will take all the Patreon monies to lay with Jon Snow. I am generous and selfless like that.

Shanti mumbles...

Posted April 26, 2016
I would lay with Jon Snow for nothing! Hang on - that's necrophilia! Maybe not!

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted April 27, 2016
He's not dead, Shanti, just resting!

Until I get my hands on him, that is...

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ReadYouIWill reckons...

Posted April 25, 2016
So glad I tracked your recaps down to their new home. You give great pun. And bonus points for the local kerbside collection reference. For she who has no name, may I suggest something referencing her other cool role, as an earnest but daffy uni student in Fresh Meat. Or maybe just a descriptor like "the Nutty Apprentice"? She spooks the heck outta me!

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted April 26, 2016
I've not seen Fresh Meat! I remember her primarily as Queen Anne Neville from the sumptous "White Queen" drama from the UK a few years ago. But I fear that nickname would be totally lost on people.

ReadYouIWill mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2016
Cheers! Another show to add to my list of "things I plan to watch after all the other things I have yet to finish watching! :-)

Respond to this thread

Allen has opinions thus...

Posted April 25, 2016
Good to see you back Nat

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted April 26, 2016
Thanks Allen!

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Mark reckons...

Posted April 25, 2016
I'm a little shocked at your review... I mean I knew you weren't the
average person but to learn that you don't like tomatoes on a
sandwich... man that's seriously messed up. What other aberrations will
you reveal in the coming weeks?
Other than that I agreed and enjoyed everything you wrote!

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
I am just not a fan of raw tomato.
Mush it up into a delicious pasta sauce though, and I'm your gal. It's a strange thing, but there you go.
Where do you stand on pineapple on pizza? I'm all for it.

BillBixby219 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 27, 2016
pineapple on pizza? and to think, i thought i was falling in love with you.

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted April 27, 2016
SURELY OUR LOVE CAN OVERCOME OUR DIFFERENCES ON SAVOURY SNACKS

Mark mutters...

Posted April 27, 2016
Pineapple on pizza!! OMG So sad that a girl like you has such dark and weird tastes. To quote BillBixby219 "and I thought I was falling in love with you"... too.

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Craig ducks in to say...

Posted April 25, 2016
I could so rock tinder with a Melisandre necklace:P

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted April 26, 2016
Head to Lovisa at lunch my friend, and make it happen. :)

Sleepdeprived reckons...

Posted April 26, 2016
I chocked when I read that. Lol

Respond to this thread

Rhino would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
My summer weekend ritual is now complete. Dinner at Chef Larry's and watching the show followed by this recap. Puts me in my comfy space it does.
Great job, Nat (may I call you Nat? Cause I feel like we're buddies.)
Looking forward to more.

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26, 2016
Of course! I've been called a lot worse than Nat. :)

Respond to this thread

she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted April 26, 2016
Brienne's entry stage right was the most awesome thing in the history of awesome. I actually cheered and clapped as she came galloping to the rescue. So much awesome. And Pod! Go Pod!

Suffice to say it's the women of Game of Thrones who are (literally) killing it this episode, here's hoping the trend continues for the rest of the season.

I've possibly missed your recaps more than the show. I agree wholeheartedly about tomato on a sandwich, but don't dis the Moro - it's a miniature Cadbury Whip, which was sadly discontinued, and was a totally better Mars Bar than a Mars Bar ever was. Give me your Moros, your Cherry Ripes, your Turkish Delights and the other huddled masses from your box of Favourites if you're not going to appreciate them properly :P

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
Fine with me, take all the Moros. I'll have the Crunchies. If I can wrangle them off JB, of course. He is the King of Crunchies.
And yes, there was much whooping for Brienne from my end as well. :)

Respond to this thread

Paul would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
1. Wait months.2. Decide will wait until end of season and buy on iTunes.3. Realise can't wait for NatRecaps.4. Pay money to Foxtel.5. Watch crappy SD stream - but it doesn't matter: Brienne still rocked.6. Allow a few hours.7. Go to Faifax, see substandard, highly unamusing attempt at recap.8. Panic. Then frantically Google. 9. Find. Read. Laugh. 10. All is well with the world. Stars back in their courses. Thanks Nat.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted April 26, 2016
Awwww. May you be blessed by the Seven. :)

Stephen would have you know...

Posted May 1, 2016
I like the way Fairfax thought, oh, and we need someone to do the Game Of Thrones thing. What does it involve? Oh, you know, just describe what happened in the latest episode.

Nek minnit...here we all are. Hits on Fairfax's Episode 2 recap? Mmm...predicting not so much.

Respond to this thread

WT Gator swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
It was all over so fast. Thank you for the ability to relive it vicariously via your recap. Well done.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted April 26, 2016
An hour just flies by, doesn't it? I love being swept away like that. Glad the recaps preserve a little bit of the joy. :)

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Ser PK swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
Nice work!

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
Taa very much!

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Dropbear swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
what the hell is wrong with tomato on a sandwhich??

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Jo .... mutters...

Posted April 26, 2016
Oh wow thanks and now I'm happy.....phew! A fantastic recap which I almost couldn't wait for yesterday - I did think at one point "hurry up Nat and hit post"!!!! But then I also realised you actually have a job and have kitten babies to feed and well it was sunny so maybe you walked along the beach....so NOW I'm happy ! Funny, clever and topped with a Cadbury Cherry (Ripe).

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
I would love to be quicker at these damn things, but there's just so much. My brain needs some time to process it. Otherwise it would just be "OH GOD DID YOU SEE WHEN X DID Y AND JON SNOW IS HOT" like, the whole way through. :)

moesha reckons...

Posted May 1, 2016
Haha you are brilliant!

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pedrogb is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26, 2016
I did enjoy watching it, but I must admit to enjoying the recap almost as much. Worth the price of admission!
Thanks

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted April 26, 2016
Yay! Thank you so much for your kind words. :)

Respond to this thread

The Light Walker asserts...

Posted April 26, 2016
A tribute to The Raven Woman...and her fandom!WOW !...you could make a book out of your recaps...they spark the imagination, and attract a really cool fandom. My favourite "post show world" to visit...love the recap...love the comments...

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26, 2016
I have pondered the whole e-Book idea. I'd need to find an illustrator I think to break it up a bit.
Also I never recapped the first season, so I'd have to go back and try to do it from hindsight. Which would be weird.

she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
I'm all for an ebook of your recaps, perhaps when the entire show has ended. Recapping season one wouldn't be totally weird, you and Stu are already doing it on the podcast. You could just put a disclaimer in about season one and move on.

In short I would totes throw money at you for an ebook collection of all your recaps :)

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Dick is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26, 2016
I agree

bruiser mutters...

Posted April 26, 2016
Me too!
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY

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Janice puts forth...

Posted April 26, 2016
I appreciate the 'Hamilton' reference (It was a reference? Or am I too obsessed?). Great recap, I'll be back

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26, 2016
Well done! You're the first person who got that.

It's been on high rotation on my playlist, with "My Shot" my current motivational music.

I wrote that line then realised Oh! It's Hamilton! Figured I'd let it fly and see if anyone noticed. :)

Stephen mutters...

Posted May 1, 2016
What about The Man With The Child (Not) In His Eyes? I got that. :)

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Wendyemily mumbles...

Posted April 26, 2016

Nat, I admit to a moment of panic, like Tyrion gets when he can't find a drink, when I thought that your recaps were no more. Luckily some wonderful soul over on the very ordinary recap on SMH told us where to find you! And thanks to the Gods, both old & new, I have found my way home! For what is GoT without your wise words of counsel? Methinks it would all be not quite the same watching my fav show without you! Loved the first ep and thought it was done well, filling us in on what most of our favs were up to. And I also cheered when Brienne turned up to save Sansa and Theon. Had me leaping up and shouting "you get em girl". Wonderful stuff. Hurry up next week. And I too, haven't given up on Jon Snow yet. We must live in hope!


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Gingernuts has opinions thus...

Posted April 26, 2016
GoT is back - great! But in the best news ever...
girlclumsy's recaps are back -wahoooo!!!!
Magnificent effort as ever, Nat.

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Rob has opinions thus...

Posted April 26, 2016
Choice!

More devilry than a Lannister plot, more flamboyant than a Braavosi sword dancer, flashier than Oberyn Martell's spear point, all we need now is for you to reveal your inner love for Ramsay and your complexity will be truly epic enough to be Queen of King's Landing!

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted April 27, 2016
Ramsay Bolton? NEVER!

Oberyn's flashy spear point though....meow!

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taezar mumbles...

Posted April 26, 2016
I totally LOLed at dothraki sketch comedy!

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted April 27, 2016
They need their own twee sitcom:

"Dothraki About the House"

"Dothraki and Son"

"Open All Dothraki"

"Keeping Up Dothraki"

"As Dothraki Goes By"

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Jen would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
Oh, how I wish they'd released the whole season a la Netflix!
But then I would have finished watching them all by now, and would be waiting a whole year for the next season!
Thanks for the redirection, SMH people!

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted April 27, 2016
I, for one, am happy we have to wait.

If only because I'd be exhausted trying to recap 10 episodes in a few days!

But also because it gives us that wonderful shared experience of waiting and theorising. :)

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Marcus would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
Loved having you back, Nat. Brilliant review as always. I know a newspaper that is missing out big time but their loss is definitely our gain.
I would like to see everyone in Westeros try on that necklace and see what effect it has on each. Who knows? Walder Frey may actually be Fabio...

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Marcus mutters...

Posted April 26, 2016
Loved having you back, Nat. Brilliant review as always. I know a newspaper that is missing out big time but their loss is definitely our gain.
I would like to see everyone in Westeros try on that necklace and see what effect it has on each. Who knows? Walder Frey may actually be Fabio...

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted April 27, 2016
Oh dear God, no, surely not even the necklace from Titanic could make Walder Frey look good?

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Drogon the Kitten blurts loudly... mumbles...

Posted April 26, 2016
Mhysa !!! Thank the Gods I found you, for without you this kitten frets in incompleteness, much like Reek watching Ramsey eat a sausage. Brilliant and hilarious yet again...... Seven Blessings

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted April 27, 2016
Shhhh, shhhh, there there now, it's all going to be okay. The Mother of Kittens will protect you from the Night which is Dark and full of Terrors.

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Drogon the Kitten would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
The recap on Fairfax totally sucked the pus......

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John Layne swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 26, 2016
I went looking for this recap in the usual place, thank heavens I found this blog!

The day after GOT day, just wouldn't be the same without your recap.

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted April 27, 2016
Nawwww.

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Kate mutters...

Posted April 26, 2016
Wow! Everyone is so much more patient than I am... I have waited months and months and months to finally know if Jon Snow is actually dead dead or if he has warged or if he will reappear from flames or something else theorists haven't thought of .... and no answer! So peeved now I have to wait another week or even two ...

Ps I know you adore Kit Harington but I saw him in a war movie and he was not as good as he is as Jon Snow.... I know the actor wants to do more movies but I really think his best role is Jon Snow..

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 27, 2016
Kit Harington? Who is Kit Harington?

Jon Snow is real, yeah? He's real, damnit!

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Peter Bradley would have you know...

Posted April 26, 2016
Absolute gold. I knew it was going to be good when I read "your eyes as piercing as a Dornish spear through the back of a skull".

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26, 2016
This is aces. I'm not going to have to watch GoT, just read the recaps here.

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Shanti reckons...

Posted April 26, 2016
So glad that GoT is back and so glad that your recaps are as well - they are the icing on the cake!

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted April 27, 2016
Oh man, I hope they're butter cream icing. That stuff's the best.

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Sparty reckons...

Posted April 26, 2016
Kate; agree- he wears fur and leather better than cotton slacks.

One bjt which jarred was the protest graphity which was written in the wall in English. Tyrion read it out aloud to us so it should have just been in made up Valarian. Even Starwars knows that English lettering seems strange when you go to the effort of subtitling Dothraki / Huttesse.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted April 27, 2016
THIS! Sparty, you're so on point. Stu and I actually discuss this on this week's podcast, because I remembered reading it somewhere, but couldn't remember where exactly! So thank you. :)

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SZF has opinions thus...

Posted April 26, 2016
What's the Dothraki word for "aqueduct"?

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Dylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 27, 2016
I'll pay to read your recaps anyday! :)

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Lorna would have you know...

Posted April 27, 2016
Awesome as always Nat ...someone's already said it but absolutely the icing on the cake following GOT return ...Yay!

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Procrastinati puts forth...

Posted April 27, 2016
Having searched the length & breadth of Fairfax to find you I finally arrived! Would have been quicker getting to Braavos. LTR (love the recap) MoK (mother of kittens). Any Carravagio fans out there? Relook at Kate Bush moving into the Lord Commander's room. Near stillness, slow movement, beautiful light source, deep shadows. The scenery in GoT is a knockout, but this was one of the most beautifully composed shots I've seen. Congrats to the DoP.

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girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted April 27, 2016
Stormy! Love the Caravaggio reference! My goodness, thinking about it, wouldn't he just be ALL over Game of Thrones? It's like, his world.

And yes, the deep red of Melisandre's robes, the darkness pricked only by light through a window - it's a bit "Death of the Virgin", isn't it?

Procrastinati puts forth...

Posted April 27, 2016
Absolutely. Have a quiz at the long lost Caravaggio, "Judith Beheading Holofernes" He's foretold Brienne's fine work.

Procrastinati ducks in to say...

Posted April 27, 2016
Squiz!

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Dornish Pasty puts her two cents worth ducks in to say...

Posted April 27, 2016
Havent seen this ep yet but content to read your blog....hilare!!

Dornish Pasty puts her two cents worth swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 27, 2016
Yes girlclumsy is right - the design has just got better and betterer....I watched season 1 -3 recently with a mate who seems to have had her head under water for the last three years - and one can see how the design gets more lavish, the camera work more complex. Some of the scene's in semi dark are masterful, the camera framing is fantastic, editing superb.

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Luke is gonna tell you...

Posted April 27, 2016
So glad you are still doing recaps! I was disappointed when I went to the Brisbane Times page and some other dude was doing it! It's like when they replaced the guy playing Daario Neharis but worse! I look forward to the recaps almost as much as the episodes, keep it up!

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Where'sMyDragon ducks in to say...

Posted April 27, 2016
Life is complete now that I've found these recaps again. Definitely will send some cash your way. C'mon gang - surely we can all manage that.

Now, that bitchy bit of nonsense from the House of Black & White is called the Waif (or in my house, 'that nasty chick with a face like a busted arseh0le') for future reference.

Definitely the best bit was Brienne - except when you watch the episode the 2nd and 3rd (and more) times, the look does look somewhat akin to constipation - which is a shame.

Great episode - fantastic recap. Welcome back Nat! :)

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BMM mutters...

Posted April 27, 2016
Happy to send you cash, Recapcorrespondent. You're too funny to starve. That would be a tragedy too hideous for even George R R Martin to dream up. How does one do this?

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Marty mumbles...

Posted April 28, 2016
Nat - I must confess, when I saw that brilliant sight of Brienne of f...... Tarth come out of nowhere, I actually thought of you! I thought 'that Nat will be loving this.' What a great scene it was and I love how you recapped it.
Loving your reviews, especially this one.

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The girl who watches mumbles...

Posted April 28, 2016
Nat! I found you!
Thank the old gods and the new!
Wouldn't be a season of GoT without you.

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Drogon The Kitten mumbles...

Posted April 30, 2016
I don't get it, how did the Sand Snakes get on the boat with Marcella and Trystane to kill him ??? He got on the boat at Dorn but Obara & Nymeria were still sitting' on the dock of the bay, do they have a Teleporter ???

Never Kiss a Sand Snake swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2016
It was the poison lipstick that did it!

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