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I have logged out of Twitter

Posted May 3 into House keeping by John Birmingham

Like, literally. I haven't deactivated or deleted my account. I simply logged out. I did delete the app from my phone (and wrote about it) last year, but I found myself sliding back to the toxic bird's nest via Safari. So I tried to delete Safari.

Not possible.

I looked for site blocking options. Not possible on iOS.

So instead I've logged out, hoping that the simple speed bump of having to log back in will prevent me from mindlessly scrolling my time line, especially during the election. It is almost entirely shit. And toxic political shit at that.

I have books to write. I don't have time for shit. I do have reason to turn the fire hose of Twitter traffic on at Blunty or even here sometimes, but I know I can just login to do that. Then log back out.

Oddly enough, I feel zero compunction to browse Facebook. But I logged out there too on general principles.

7 Responses to ‘I have logged out of Twitter’

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3
Well I think Twiter and facebook are a little poorer for your absence but it sounds like it was the right choice for you.

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NBlob mutters...

Posted May 5
Twitter is like bad fast food. Facebook is good fast food. Both have little to no nutritional value, both come with more fat & salt than you need in a month, but at least Facebook tastes good like the Colonel's hot&spicy.

FormerlyKnownAsSimon reckons...

Posted May 6
I would say the opposite! although maybe bad fast food and worse. I'm not really sure why i'm bothering with twitder either. The interesting articles are getting further and further apart. I hear more and more people doing the JB thing. Rats/sinking ship and all that. (not that i'm saying JB is a rat . . . just a bit smarter than the rest of us)

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted May 6
I still enjoy dropping in every now and then, but I've become really concerned about mindless scrolling and time suckage.

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Bondiboy66 puts forth...

Posted May 7
I'll admit to being a bit of a FB tragic (useful for not only time wastage but family connections and clubs/sports stuff)....but I have not ever had any truck with Twunter.

Dave W asserts...

Posted May 7
And as for that Whatsapp thingy, or snapchat and instragram...I think I reached my technical dotage with Facebook.

My employer wants us all to be using Teams to communicate with each other. There are no words for this feeling.

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted May 9
Not an FB devotee. Stopped regularly using twitter last year.occasionally I'll look at it now and then and a few times a year post pics of country pubs when I'm on a drunkytour. and abuse people.BB King once sang;

"The thrill is gone baby
The thrill is gone away."

Yeah, the fun of Tweeterville seems to have left the building.

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GoT Raven On Recap: S8E3 "The Long Night"

Posted May 1 into Raven On by girlclumsy

What do we say to the God of Death?

NOT TODAY.

To be fair, for thousands of people it actually *was* today, given the catastrophic death count from the Battle of Winterfell. For the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Knights of the Vale and other ragtag members of the Winterfell Massive, it wasn’t quite a perky occasion.

But still.

THE KING IS DEAD.

LONG LIVE…. THE QUEEEEEEEEEN!

Yes, in a metaphor for what Swedish teen Greta Thunberg is trying to do in real life, our own murder baby stuck the pointy end into Captain Climate Change himself.

Sure, the Night King was more a baby doomer than a baby boomer, but I’m sure he’s still the kind of guy who would bitch about young Westerosi people and their smashed avo toast while driving a 4WD he never even takes off-roading.



After all this time, he’s gone, and along with him the entire White Walker threat. The world, it seems, has been saved from never-ending winter. Memory and truth have been protected. Humanity has lived to see the light of dawn.

And yet, I HAVE A LOT OF F***ING QUESTIONS.

Why did the Dothraki charge the walking dead? Surely somebody could have worked out that was a terrible use of resources?

How did the resurrection in the crypt not claim more lives? Confined spaces and all that?

Where the hell was Bran when he was warging? We saw him disappear into ravens and/or crows - but then what?

What did the Night King really want anyway? Was there *any* deeper purpose beyond “f*** shit up just ‘cause”?

And most importantly...

HOW IN SEVEN FLIPPING FLAMES OF F*** DID SO MANY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS SURVIVE THAT NIGHTMARE?

Let us look to the sky, Hunger Games-style, to pay tribute to our valiant dead: Dolorous Edd (bittersweet tears); Lyanna Mormont (F*** YEAH BUT NOOOO); Ser Beric Dondarrion (service rendered, salute); Theon Greyjoy (weeps openly), Ser Jorah Mormont (timely, apt, totally in character, but still - NOOOOOO) and Melisandre (hey girl, where you been? Oh nope, never mind, save the day then collapse, keep the mystery).

But also…mark the survivors, many of whom were in real danger yet made it through: Grey Worm; Brienne; Jaime; Pod; Gendry; Sam Tarly; TORMUND GIANTSBANE?!?!

We were LUCKY, people. LUCKY.

Which means it’s either all over in terms of character stakes, or there are going to be some QUICK and CHEAP deaths in the final three episodes to shock us.

Now if super-tragic-show-fan-Mother-of-Kittens-me is reflecting on these questions, and the possibilities versus realities, I suspect there are going to be hundreds of book wonks and deep dive theorists upset that some of their more elaborate conspiracies didn’t pan out.

Or at least, didn’t pan out YET. Who knows, maybe Bran really WAS the Night King, and that final stare-off between them was Bran saying “It’s OK to die, I will carry on your work” and Bran will warg into Cersei and make her throw herself off the roof of the Red Keep...

My point is I understand if there is some frustration with this episode, particularly in the immediate aftermath, before we see what happens next.

The Big Bad has been conquered; surely that was all we were building towards?

I posit that yes, it was - but primarily for the North. For Jon Snow, the Night’s Watch, the Free Folk and Bran storylines were always intertwined with The Great War. Other plots/characters were folded in along the way - Melisandre, Daenarys, Tyrion, Jaime, and to a lesser degree Sansa and Arya (being Starks, they were always going to end up there, but had detours).

For the North, the war against the White Walkers was the alpha and omega.

For Cersei, bitch don’t give a shit. She ain’t never given a shit.


"And this is my sincere face."

While Jon was getting acquainted with shuffling undead zombies at Hardhome, she was getting in too deep with the mindless zealot zombies of the Faith Militant. Cersei’s focus has always been on the meat sack side of history. In fact the only bit of supernatural interference in Cersei’s life has been that damn Maggy the Frog prophecy about her kids all dying and being eventually offed by a younger brother.

And who even knows if Maggy the Frog was real; or just making stuff up like that dodgy tarot card reader I once got a free sitting with (I wouldn’t have done it if I’d had to pay, believe me), who made me draw three cards and told me “Looks like there are good things ahead for you” and hello, buddy, tell me something very specific about lottery numbers or winning horse names or what’s the point of you?

So for Cersei, and her related plotlines: the War of Five Kings; the internal bitchiness with the Tyrells; the Faith Militant; dealing with foolish allies like the Freys and Euron Greyjoy; making false promises to the Jon/Dany alliance; losing Jaime; her loosening grip on motherhood and subsequently her own humanity - all of that is very much of this earth.

Yes, the book series is called A Song of Ice and Fire, a more poetically fantastical title.

But the TV show is called Game of Thrones. And it looks like now The Great Game, NOT The Great War, was always what counted most.

Now this is all just a thought bubble I’ve blown out of the bucket of detergent that is my brain. I understand if some want to rant about the White Walker storyline not culminating in something… more. Indeed, as I said above, there’s a frustrating mystery to Night King and his goals that has me grinding my teeth like I’d grind Jon’s… nevermind.

Prussian military theorist Carl Von Clausewitz’s famous philosophy holds that war is the continuation of policy by other means. In the case of this show, perhaps it’s the other way around - that politics is the continuation of the war by other means.

Also, maybe we could just be happy that a sprawling battle meant there was absolutely no time for funny business between Jon and Dany, and you know I am always onboard them not getting onboard.

All right, let’s get on with the horrorshow.

S8E3: “The Long Night”

A long night indeed, with a running time of 82 minutes, making this the longest episode of Game of Thrones yet, and the longest battle sequence ever filmed. Pretty impressive stuff, and I want to start by acknowledging the crazy talents of the production team to make it happen. There have been complaints about the darkness of the fight scenes; again I can appreciate that, but there is no doubt this was a ballet of grim spectacle and a technical achievement that should win ALL the Emmys.

The highlight of course was Arya’s victorious ninja attack, which makes it hard to work out how to recap such a rapacious, rampaging battle when its final result was so remarkable.

I think, because of the breakneck speed of action, what follows is going to be part play-by-play commentary, part stream of consciousness, and part narration for the visually impaired. It may help to read it aloud in the voice of some frenetic meth-fuelled sportscaster.

Wish me good fortune in the battle recap to come.

~~~~~

Welcome to Winterfell and what looks like a perfect foggy, moonless night in which to launch a last-ditch defence of humanity.

In the pre-dawn, the Winterfell forces are readying their positions. Tyrion Lannister picks up a swag and heads to the crypts; Theon and the Ironborn push Bran to the Godswood past the courtyard caltrops.

Ser Davos Seaworth stalks the battlements, Sansa and Arya wait and watch. The air is quiet; even those dragons are keeping schtum.

The Unsullied stand as one, a world away from their origins as slave warriors in Essos, about to fight an enemy so different to what they would have expected from their training. Grey Worm is at the head; after fond talks of beach holidays with his best girl Missandei, he’s a big risk of falling on the field tonight.

The line-up for Team Winterfell continues to impress: Pod, commander Brienne, and new recruit Jaime Lannister on the left flank; the Hound joining Tormund and Beric on the front line; Sam Tarly squeezing his way forward to join Gendry and Dolorous Ed, who welcomes him with the episode’s apt first spoken words, “For f***’s sake.”

Ser Jorah sits astride a horse out front with the Dothraki vanguard, a seemingly-much-bigger-than-last-week Ghost alongside him.

There’s a shot of an awkward Jon and Dany before they mount Drogon and Rhaegal (thankfully not each other, no time for love, Dr Jones) and fly off silently to a nearby bluff to watch the action below.

All are readying for the coin toss and kick-off.

But what’s this? Out of the gloom, a lone rider approaches the defensive position.

It’s KATE BUSH! The reclusive singer-songwriter hasn’t been seen since the beginning of season seven, working her contacts to bring Jon Snow and Daenarys Targaryen together as part of a Lord of Light brand merger initiative.

It’s unknown when the Red Woman transferred to Winterfell. It’s possible she’s a recent arrival; perhaps she’s been there for the pre-season, just camped out creepily in the snow drifts waiting for the right moment to sneak back into the team.

That right moment has now become a LIGHT moment, am I right listeners, as she’s had Ser Jorah instruct the Dothraki to raise their arakhs, over which she casts a spell and sets them all ablaze.

Ser Jorah of course is playing this match with Heartsbane, the Tarly family’s Valyrian steel sword, so even though his weapon doesn’t light up (saddening some fans of the long odds Ser Jorah-is-Azor-Ahai bet), he doesn’t need it to play ball here tonight.

It’s a beautiful sight as the flames travel across the Dothraki horde, giving us a moment of sparkling visibility into what is otherwise going to be an exercise in squinting through the darkness to follow the action.

Melisandre approaches the gates; taking particular note of Arya Stark on the battlements. The Red Priestess’ record with young women is not great; we all remember that unnecessary and frankly dispiriting play she pulled on Shireen Baratheon before Stannis’ campaign for the Iron Throne collapsed more heavily than the Australian cricket team’s batting order against Pakistan.

Ser Davos Seaworth is not happy to see Melisandre, but she assures him he will not need to silence her beautiful soprano voice tonight as she’ll be dead in just a matter of hours. Now generally you want to take a positive mental approach into a battle, but clearly Kate Bush is walking to the beat of her own 80s-style synthesiser.

It’s time for the Dothraki to begin play, and in a mighty show of power, the entire mass of Screamers pushes forward in tight formation into the darkness. Ser Jorah is up there, along with Ghost, but it’s not long before we start seeing those flaming arakhs extinguished. It’s like the crowd waving lighters at the Rolling Stones at Altamont in ‘69, with the wights playing the part of the Hell’s Angels.

Now one would think a team captain such as Daenarys Targaryen might have anticipated her loyal bloodriders would be wiped out by the zombies, but as stragglers and horses and Ser Jorah Mormont return to the main army, she gets angry and decides to bring forward her showstopper move.

“The Night King is coming,” Jon Snow tells her. “The dead are already here,” she fires back, before firing up Drogon into attack mode. Not to be left behind, the greenhorn dragonrider Jon mounts Rhaegal, and it’s all a bit Daddy issues considering that dragon was named after Jon’s real Dad, and he’s switched from his typical on-foot, front-of-the-action Stark combat style to an airborn Targaryen assault.

Back on the ground, consistent performer Grey Worm is at the head of the Unsullied as they face a sweeping tsunami of the undead opposition that truly is a sight to be seen - if in fact you can see it due to everyone wearing black uniforms for heritage round.

Tormund “Flame-haired Angel Man” Giantsbane only gets a glimpse of the wave before it slams into him; something he no doubt wishes Brienne would do, if she wasn’t busy calling on her forces to stand their ground against the wight-wing attack.

Ser Beric Dondarrion is in there with his own flaming sword; and despite his hand-icap, Jaime Lannister manages an impressive early rescue of his commander Brienne.

Annnnnd here comes Drogon!

That familiar stirring music swells and Dany has Drogon strafe the front lines, with Jon following behind on Rhaegal in a beautiful sweeping double strike.

Jon spies the White Walker generals at the back of the Wight army and drops Rhaegal into a quick descent, but is caught up by a sudden roll in of a mist more disorientating than Lynx body spray.

Up on the battlements, Arya and Sansa are much impressed by seeing the dragons’ mouth-iwork for the first time. Arya knows her call-up is coming, so she orders Sansa to the dugout (aka the crypts), hands her a dragonglass dagger, and advises her sister to “stick ‘em with the pointy end”. It’s a classic callback, perfectly timed, another hallmark of this great series.

Let’s take a look at the battle cam: as Dany’s fire eases off temporarily, we can see Brienne, Jaime, Tormund, Pod, Gendry, the Hound and Ser Jorah still in the game, albeit covered by a fine sheen of falling ash.

To everyone’s surprise, rookie reserve Sam Tarly is still standing, managing a few points here and there. Longtime teammate Dolorous Edd saves him from a forward strike and makes him get back on his feet; only to be stabbed through the heart and crash out of contention.

VALE, DOLOROUS EDD.

Jon is struggling to get Rhaegal out of the mist, but is almost taken out by Dany herself, as the two dragons slam into each other over a forest. On a personal note, friends, I for one am glad it was just the dragons banging into each other, but back to the action.

Tormund is first to call for the home side to fall back; he’s backed up by Brienne, and Lyanna Mormont orders the gates opened.

Grey Worm orders the Unsullied to protect the retreat, and columns of fighters with no need for jockstraps form up block by block in a strong rearguard action.

The scrappers flood back into the castle as the wights continue to fling themselves onto the Unsullied’s spears. Brienne, Jaime, Tormund, Pod, Gendry, Beric and Sam are still in play; and Arya Stark puts her dog in the fight, firing a flaming arrow into a wight threatening the Hound.

The Unsullied also begin to retreat, but after reaching the gates Grey Worm can see there’s only so much his men will be able to achieve against the onslaught of the undead. He calls for the trench dug in around the castle walls to be lit.

This is it: Ser Davos’ one job. Becoming Winterfell’s air traffic controller, he waves flaming torches to indicate to Dany that now would be a great time for Drogon to give them all a light.

But oh no! Dany can’t see! Her head is too far in the clouds!

Jon is no use; he’s already landed Rhaegal on the walls of the Godswood after losing Dany in the literal fog of war.

Archers and foot soldiers are deployed to light the trench, but it’s either too cold for the wood to burn, or they get tackled by wights before getting their torch over the line.

Enter once more Melisandre, helped by Grey Worm and the Unsullied, who form a scrum to protect her. She repeats her earlier incantation to create another in-FLAME-mation, am I right friends, setting the caltrops alight in the nick of time before the wight buzzers blow. You’ve got to have a lot of faith to be an elite acolyte, but you’ve also got to have a lot of faith… in yourself.

The trenches are blazing like college kids on April 20, which is good news for everyone except the Hound, whose lifelong fear of fire sees him quit the field, much to Ser Beric’s chagrin.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

It’s hard to be on the sidelines during a championship game, and being stuck in a subterranean gravesite with a crying baby has got to hurt. Tyrion may be a Most Valuable Thinker, but he’s convinced he would be of assistance as a battle commander. To be fair, he may be right - so far the tactics used on ground level would make Sun Tzu blush.

Varys gives him a verbal slap down, saying he was lucky at the Battle of Blackwater Bay, that’s all. It’s Sansa who delivers the truth bomb - they’re all useless. The most heroic thing all those out-of-condition “normal people” can do is accept their fundamental inability to contribute to their side’s prospects of victory and wait for death looking tense but dignified.

Where Tyrion does have a win is in Sansa’s declaration that he was the best of the men she was either married or betrothed to. Being better than Joffrey or Ramsay? A low bar, but still an important one to have jumped.

Sansa tells Tyrion it wouldn’t have worked between them; Tyrion seems disappointed by her certainty. “The Dragon Queen,” is her explanation. An alliance with Sansa would divide Tyrion’s loyalties and become a problem for Dany. Interesting that Sansa should mention such a thing at such a time - she’s indicating their teamwork is purely for this match, and she will be pursuing an independent Norths home ground should the odds be ever in their favour.

Missandei gets her one slam dunk of the evening when she claps back at Sansa dissing her girl boss Dany, saying without the Dragon Queen, none of you useless also-rans would even be alive to bitch about divided loyalties. After two episodes of being stared at like some sort of terrifying alien, no wonder she was ready to give some white people a Narth Maul.

To the Godswood.

Theon Greyjoy and Team Kraken have been keeping a close ear on the action. Theon knows with the trench lit, the game will come to them before long. He takes a quick time out to let Bran know how sorry he is about his earlier defection from Team Stark; but Bran is magnanimous in creepiness, and tells him everything he did led him back to his home stadium, so it’s all good. The message here is that they’re a team, they’ll stick together, they’ll have each other’s backs.

Annnnnnnd Bran is OUTTA THERE.

“I’m going to go now,” he says, and wargs for the first time in what seems like a long time. He takes over control of a bunch of ravens and/or crows, who flap up and over the battle scene and castle, flying south until they find...yes, it’s the Night King on Viserion!

Here he is, Captain of the Undead, Chief White Walker, The Icy General, Mr Freeze - finally off the bench and into the sky.

Despite his relatively long distance from the action, NK flexes his frigid fingers (watch out, fellas, there are kids listening!) to inflict his first intervention of the match.

The wights have come to a standstill in front of the burning caltrops, a massed pile of unthinking, unfeeling menaces to society, sounds much like the current government, am I right, friends?

One by one they start throwing themselves onto the fire, slowly building a body pile to extinguish part of the fire. It’s kind of like that M. Night Shyamalan film “The Happening”, where trees go mad and make people kill themselves, except this isn’t completely shit.

So after some setbacks in the form of being savaged by dragonfire, the wights have literally built a bridge and got over it, ha ha, can you believe it, Winterfell’s not the only thing on fire here tonight, friends.

Ser Davos gives the signal to man the walls, as the game moves into its second phase - attacking and breaching the castle walls.

Jaime, Brienne, Pod, Tormund, Gendry, Grey Worm and Jorah all make for the battlements as archers ready their bows.

A World War Z-style zombie pyramid begins forming against the stone walls, with wights proving themselves pretty well adept at climbing for creatures with not much muscle tone left. One wonders how they’ve been working out enough, but clearly the NK has access to a bunch of ‘roids. That kind of drug abuse is normally frowned upon in the world of high sports, but we all know Mr Freeze is the Lance Armstrong of the fantasy world.

Speaking of which, Mr Diestrong is spotted by Jon Snow, who nudges Rhaegal back into the air.

There’s much effusion of blood as our A-Team slam their swords, spears and axes into the climbing vine of zombastardry.

If we take in the wide shots, that is only absolutely f***ing terrifying image there of the onslaught.

Clearly it’s too much for our home side, and the opposition start penetrating gaps in the defences, spilling into the castle proper.

There’s some beautiful paired fighting between Brienne and Jaime, both saving each other from wights in quick succession. Sam Tarly is clearly wearing a magic wightproof vest as he is plucked once more to safety by veteran forward Ser Jorah Mormont.

The dragonglass caltrops work well as the wights spread into Winterfell like that STD I picked up after last year’s Mad Monday, but it’s a sheer numbers game at this point and those wights have a real advantage in being able to throw themselves several metres to the ground and just get back up again like Ben Cousins pre-rehab. And post-rehab, come to think of it.

Now you might be asking, where in all of this is valuable running back The Hound? Well, as is so often the case in these major events, panic has got the best of him, and he’s quietly freaking out in a corner.

Nevermind that now though because HERE COMES ARYA STARK!

Yes, the Diminuitive Despoiler has fired new energy into the game, using her recently-acquired new bit of kit to slice and dice her way through the wights on the wall.

The Hound is still freaking out like Cougar at the start of Top Gun, unable to get back in the game due to anxiety. Beric tries to coach him out, saying they need him, but the Hound is fairly confident they’re all just f***ed at this stage.

“Tell her that!” Beric roars, pointing at Arya who has just barrel-rolled down a staircase full of bodies then thrown herself onto a canopy to escape the undead.

ENGAGE HOUND PROTECTIVE MODE! Nicely done, Beric, just the right amount of pressure at the right time, and Hound is back in the game, dashing off to help Arya.

It’s sad to see former Team Life hero Stampy the Giant, aka Wan Wan, burst into Winterfell as a zombified nightmare tower. The last time he did that was to help finish off Ramsay Bolton at the Battle of the Bastards, before dying heroically. You would have thought somebody would have burned his body, but apparently not.

It’s up to little Lyanna Mormont to stand and face this walking Eiffel Tower of Ewww, and boy, can the girl scream a battle cry more fiercely than Mel Gibson in Braveheart. The Not Friendly Giant picks her up, squeezing her tiny body, and makes to bite her head off like she was a stick of kebab.

AND SHE HAS GOT THE BLADE OUT! With one last elemental scream, the Little Bear thrusts her dagger right in the giant’s eye, totally Cyclopsing him to death.

VALE, LYANNA MORMONT.

Let’s check in on our airborne battalion. Jon and Dany are trying to flush out the Night King, but the stealth creeper jumps them first, chasing Dany down with Viserion’s hot blue fire. Just as quickly, he’s gone again, leaving Jon and Dany to nosedive to try to catch him.

Arya Stark is inside the castle now, bleeding from the face, making her way into the library for a quick break and perhaps a Gatorade bath. But there’s no time, as somehow a bunch of wights have found themselves in there, possibly looking for self-care and wellness tips now their flesh has rotted away.

It’s interesting to note the use of sound, particularly the lack of sound, in this sequence. It highlights in case we’d forgotten that Arya, like the worst kind of flatulence, is both silent and deadly.

Only the sound of blood dripping from her forehead onto the stone floor alerts a wight, but before it can grab her, she’s gone again. She does the old dropped-book-switcheroo, before silently dispatching a lady wight through the jaw on her way out.

It’s looking like a clean escape, until a nearby door breaks under a wight onslaught, followed swiftly by a similar action out of the room behind her. We leave Arya for the moment running through the corridors for her life.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

Bored and scared. Tyrion drinks. Loud noises and a battle outside the doors. Silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Hound and Beric search the corridors for Arya; she eventually appears through a door with a wight bearing down. Beric throws his flaming sword into the wight, and the Hound grabs Arya and runs. The pair smack down wights as they go, with Beric under siege behind them, but ordering them to keep going.

And BERIC IS DOWN! Stabbed multiple times by a group of zombies, he still manages to stumble into a hall behind the Hound and Arya. With no Thoros of Myr around, Beric is done for. Arya, who once put him on her kill list, is now saddened by his loss.

VALE LORD BERIC DONDARRION.

But there’s no time for black armbands right now, as Arya has someone to meet.

That’s right, Kate Bush has returned for the reunion she once told Arya they would have. “Here we are, at the end of the world”.

With the Hound watching on carefully (one might even call him “The Man with the Child in His Eyes”), Arya informs Melisandre that she was right when predicted Arya would close many eyes forever.

With an encouraging nod, Melisandre repeats “brown eyes, green eyes...and blue eyes”, and Arya’s own peepers show a glimmer of recognition. As the wights start to bash down the door, Melisandre whispers to her a maxim she learned long ago.

“What do we say to the God of Death?”

“Not today.”

ARYA IS ON THE MOVE. REPEAT, ARYA IS ON THE MOVE.

In the Godswood, Theon orders his Ironborn to “make every shot count” as the wights approach.

Overhead, the Night King fangs it towards the North Gate, letting Viserion rip through the stone with his mouth fireworks.

Then BANG! Jon Snow on Rhaegal sideswipes Viserion, obviously having learned a lesson on timing from Tormund’s hug last episode.

The two get locked in a midair dogfight not unlike Maverick and Goose and those MiGs in the aforementioned Top Gun.


"The G-forces, the G-forces!"

Jon is having a hard time hanging on, and it’s a real shame he didn’t think to invent some sort of rope harness to help him stay onboard Rhaegal. Thankfully, Dany barges in and forces the Night King off Viserion. He falls, every so gracefully backwards, into the cloud below, his icy spear besides him.

But the damage has been done to Rhaegal, and the big lad crash lands into the snow outside the castle walls. He doesn’t seem to be dead; perhaps just concussed. The team doctor will be called for a full evaluation.

Annnnnnnd it’s on - Dany spies the Night King alive (a-dead?) and well, standing on the ground below her. She issues a firm “Dracarys” to Drogon, who proceeds to roast the frosted miscreant like single origin coffee beans.

Turns out the Night King is 85 per cent asbestos, and the flames have no effect on him, answering everyone’s question last week at the battle planning session as to whether dragonfire can kill White Walkers.

The dude is more smug than Donald Trump post-Mueller-report, and reaches for his javelin to throw at Drogon. Dany manages to weave to the side and retreat; but the Night King doesn’t seem to care. He sets off towards the castle, likely in search of Bran, his intended target.

Over to Jon Snow, who’s drawn his Longclaw, ooer, am I right friends, and begun running down Napoleon Chill-to-the-Bonaparte.

Now I don’t like to say that Jon Snow sometimes acts impetuously, without a full contemplation of likely outcomes against enemies he’s met before on the field of battle.

Perhaps he suffered a slight brain injury in the fall off Rhaegal, and that has elevated his heart rate and resulted in a somewhat rash decision to go charging into a field of bodies near a creature well regarded for bringing bodies back into operation. Perhaps he felt this was his best chance of engaging with the NK one-on-one, his Valyrian steel sword now key to victory.

Even when he sees the Night King turn and begin his trademark “Come at me bro” Evil Jesus manoeuvre, he doubles down, breaking into a sprint to try to close the gap between him and the goal posts.

But it’s no use, with wights - including many freshly killed Unsullied, Stark and Arryn knights - surrounding him about ten metres from the scoreline. One of them is in fact Dolorous Edd, who was most insistent his body be burned if he bought it. Sadly there was no time.

Inside the castle walls too, there is a great sense of “Ohhhhh, get FARRRRRRRRKED” as the small advantage the A-Team had started to build was kicked into kingdom come by the resurrection of everyone just dead, including sweet Lyanna Mormont, and the march through the gates of the White Walker generals.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

It was a big question ahead of this game - would the Night King recruit more dead from the Winterfell crypts? Surely there had been too many comments about it being “the safest place” in the castle for it to be any more secure than a rugby league player’s pants after two drinks.

Gilly’s the first to find out, turning around to see, oh yes, a bony hand burst through a sarcophagus. Now once again, it’s not entirely clear how a long dead collection of bones has the strength to punch through a stone coffin, but magic is once again happening on the field and off here tonight.

Everyone seems to react far too slowly, which I guess makes sense if you were new to the phenomenon of The Walking Dead, which is fair as this is HBO and that show’s on rival network AMC.

Eventually Tyrion calls on the crypt crew to run, but not before a victim is claimed and dragged out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the Godswood, Theon is gradually losing all of his Ironborn to wights, while Bran is who the f*** knows where.

Jon is saved from certain death by Daenarys, who clears a path through the opposition with fire, and orders him to go to Bran.

Now if Dany were so inclined, she totally could have let Jon buy the farm at that moment, slyly getting rid of a rival to the Iron Throne in such a way that no one would call the umpire over.

But for all her faults, Dany is not a cold-blooded killer like Cersei, and I do believe she loves Jon and would hopefully try to work things out in a way that would be favourable to her, but not hurt him too much. If nothing else, she’s smart enough to realise at this moment they’re on the same side, and Jon Snow alive is still more valuable than Jon Snow dead.

Sadly, she’s not watching her tail, and wights start piling on to Drogon’s back and sides like flies on a sheep’s dag. He manages to shake a few off, but in the confusion Dany slips off and falls onto the ground. Drogon takes to the skies in pain, yelping as he attempts to flick the wights off, giving the impression of a very large dog after an unwanted bath.

Jon’s inside the castle now, with bodies and balconies falling around him. Tormund is there, slashing away, seemingly untroubled by the never-ending mass of death coming for him. All that giant’s milk has done wonders for his stamina, and no doubt there’s a team sponsorship deal waiting to happen.

Jon also has to walk past Sam Tarly in a seriously dangerous position - you can see Jon wants to help his friend, but has got his radar set on Bran and cannot diverge from the plan.

Grey Worm is still in the game; Brienne is still in the game.

Theon is still in the Godswood game, but rapidly running out of Ironborn and flaming arrows.

Bran “Three-Eyed Raven” Stark is still who the f*** knows where.

Outside, Jorah and Dany are still in the game, Dany picking up a dragonglass sword in an attempt to help her main man out.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

It’s chaos down here, with God knows how many long-dead Starks coming back for another bite at life.

Tyrion and Sansa are hiding behind a sepulchre, trading deep and meaningful looks as their peers are brutally slaughtered behind them. Tyrion even kisses Sansa’s hand in a gesture of affection and protection. Facing imminent death is always a good time to put past enmity aside. Perhaps that's what The Don and Douglas Jardine needed after Bodyline. Topical sporting reference.


"It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Viserion lands on the battlements and proceeds to make like Jim Morrison and trash Winterfell like a hotel room.

Dany and Jorah are still holding off the hordes outside, barely. Theon stands by Bran, fighting by hand now.

Brienne, Jaime, Pod and Gendry struggle to stay upright. Sam weeps on the ground.

It’s unmitigated chaos; no direction, no group plan, just sheer fight or be killed adrenaline.

The music’s turned all somber and muted, the screams muffled and echo-y, always a good sign we’re reaching peak despair in a match. All that has to happen now is a move to slow-motion and we know we’re at the endgame.

Annnnnnnd here comes the slow motion.

The Night King strides into the Godswood like a villain in a western; this town ain’t big enough for the both of them.

Theon brings down wight after wight, until eventually they all stop moving in on him, and the circle opens to let the Night King and Entourage approach.

Bran returns to the present to give Theon a message, an absolution, knowing what Theon is about to do:

“You are a good man. Thank you.”


Once, Theon saved Bran from a wildling by shooting him down with his bow. Now, he takes up a spear to try to defend the little lord once more. He charges at the Night King, hollering in pain and anger and grief and regret and a small measure of peace that this is him done, that he can be both a Stark and a Greyjoy, and that he has proven it now.

The Night King seizes his spear, snaps it, and drives half of it through Theon’s middle. The last son of Balon Greyjoy, famous rebel against the Starks, dies on Stark soil.

VALE, THEON GREYJOY.

Jon’s way to the Godswood is still blocked by Viserion, and the one-time King in the North is almost on the verge of losing hope, as every attempt to push forward sees him take cover amidst piles of bodies.

Jorah is taking hit after hit for Dany, and still getting back up, each and every time. There is nothing to do but get back up, and back up, and back up, for his Khaleesi. Long has his personal love for Dany transformed into something higher, more pure - an intense desire to protect her life beyond the boundaries of normal ability.

The Night King stands over Bran, and finally Bran has met his match in terms of intense staring capability. There’s some sort of non-verbal communication between them - the NK tilts his head at one point. Is he gloating? Or recognising something in Bran? Either way, he reaches back for his sword - just as a wisp of air catches one of his general’s hair.

Jon tries one last time to get past Viserion; summoning all his strength, all he can do is let out a primordial scream.

The Night King’s arm is lifting his sword.

Behind him, out of the gloom, from nowhere, comes ARYA STARK.

He flips, grabs her by the throat. In pain, she releases her left hand, her dominant hand, in which she’s holding Catspaw, her Valyrian steel dagger. There’s a song of steel on the wind as it drops into her free right hand, a bait and switch move similar to one we saw her pull on Brienne when they sparred together.

Arya takes a breath and uses her last remaining strength to plunge Catspaw into the Night King’s gut.

He shatters, he shatters!

What a finishing move by Arya Stark.

The dagger once used to attempt to kill Bran, has now been used to save him.

A dagger that Bran handed Arya when they reunited, as it was of no use to him. Now we know why.

The White Walker generals follow suit in an explosion of ice shards.

The wights begin collapsing all around the castle.

Viserion roars one final time and falls.

The wave of wight death spreads out of the castle into the battle scene.

They fall in front of Ser Jorah, no more bad guys to shield Daenarys from.

Immediately, he hits his knees, overcome.

Dany cradles him as the last Bear takes his last breaths. He struggles to say something, but fails. All energy is gone now, only love remains, and that is eternal.

Dany cries, and Drogon lands behind her, wrapping his wings around her in protection and sorrow as she marks the death of her longest-serving, most loyal and most brave adviser.

VALE SER JORAH MORMONT.

In the courtyard, Grey Worm, Tormund, Gendry, Pod, Jaime and Brienne are still alive.

In the crypts, Tyrion, Sansa, Varys, Missandei, Gilly and Baby Sam are still alive.

Out of the corridors, the Hound, Davos and Melisandre are still alive.

As dawn breaks on the horizon, the Red Woman strides out amidst mountains of bodies, pulling the red stone necklace from around her neck. It falls to the ground, and the light in the stone fades.

She walks out to where there is no more death, shrugging off her rich robes to reveal her true self, aged, broken with white hair. It is time to die.

The sequence is Arthurian in its majesty - Morgan La Fey taking herself out to Avalon.

Game over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I’m exhausted, and I didn’t even fight in that thing.

Some key conclusions:

We probably should have lost a few more of the A-Team: Jaime, Brienne, Tormund, Gendry, Grey Worm, Pod, Missandei all survived. Surely not all of them will make it through the final three episodes alive?

I’m keen to see if anything further develops between Sansa and Tyrion after their sweet moments together in the crypts.

My expectation/longtime personal fantasy scenario that Jon Snow would face down the Night King in an epic sword battle was flipped totally on its head. Jon was essentially neutered in the fight by the sheer weight of enemies blocking his way to the Godswood. I was thrilled to have my predictions pulled out from under me. Oh, if only I could pull Jon Snow from out under me…

For those pondering how Arya made it past all those White Walkers and wights to get to the Night King, remember her key stealth skills were brilliantly set up in the library sequence. She was trained by Syrio Forel to chase cats, and learned how they moved without noise. Don’t think it wasn’t poetic justice too that she used Catspaw to kill the Night King. As the Mother of Kittens, this is a brilliant victory for all cat lovers.

The Azor Ahai prophecy is either all fancy bullshit fairy stories - or at least doesn’t apply to Arya. Arya is a highly trained assassin protecting her brother and home. That’s what gave her strength; not some mystical “princess who was promised” narrative. If Azor Ahai is still something to be dealt with in the show, it’s entirely related to Jon, Daenarys, and their relationship to each other and the Iron Throne.

Follow-up point - the fall out from Jon’s true origin story hasn’t even begin to hit yet.

I'm keen to find out what the hell Bran was doing while warging, and whether there's any further backstory to the Night King, the White Walkers, the spirals, the dismemberments... surely there is stuff he can tell us?

And most of all…

The Night King may have been an unknowable supernatural force of evil with the ability to raise the dead and cause untold destruction… but the real villain is still Cersei F***ing Lannister. And I could not be more delighted.


"It's a nice day for murder. But then, that's all days."

Yay! Best Moments

Arya Stark, obvs

Zing! Best Lines

For an episode very light on humour, Varys came through with some existential drollery:

"At least we're already in a crypt."


Eww, gross

Everything was horrific and full on about this battle, but nothing super gross, you know? More just intense violence, not creepiness. This category was dominated by Littlefinger, and since his demise we’ve been bereft of truly skin-crawling moments.

Boo, sucks

Losing some dear favourites was always going to hurt, but there was a certain triumph to all of them. They all got a moment, and we farewell them with pride, not the horror we did with Ned Stark or Robb Stark or Oberyn Martell, whose journeys were cut short.

To finish this recap, let’s have a celebratory song, to honour the memory of one in particular: Ser Jorah Mormont.

With apologies to The Kinks:

I met him at my wedding back in old Pentos
Where he gave me some books and told me that his name was Jorah
J-o-r-a-h Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

He helped me to learn about Dothraki life
‘Cause I had to get used to being Khal Drogo’s wife oh my Jorah
J-o-r-a-h Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

Well I’m not the world’s most sensible Queen
But I’m certain I don’t really want his peen oh my Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

Well I’m not bad, I’m just chasing a throne
So for now and likely always he’ll be Ser Friendzone oh my Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

Well, when Drogo died all tragically
This Mormont man was valiantly
The one who fell right down on his knees
And said “Khaleesi I will do what you please”

Well, I’m not the world’s most rational Queen
‘Cause eventually I kicked him out of Meereen oh my Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

His skin turned all grey, I showed him the door
I said “fix the flaw”, he got cured of disease
Then I looked at Jon, and Jon at me

Well that’s the way I now want it to stay
With my Jon Snow bae and my trusty sidekick Ser Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

He has a little cousin called Lyanna
She’s a bad-ass boss-bitch hot-shit star, ain’t she Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah

Well we’re now fighting wights at Winterfell
My knight’s out front giving zombies hell
He saves my life in a final stand
Jon may be my boy, but Jorah’s my man

Well I am the world’s most passionate Queen
and in death nothing can come between me and Jorah

Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah
Jor-Jor-Jor-Jor-Jorah
[repeat]

Beloved readers, thank you so much for your patience as I got this epic blow-by-blow recap done - I will have to check numbers but I believe this is my longest one yet. I probably need to learn how to edit.

Once again, thank you to my amazing Patreon subscribers. I honestly couldn't do this without your support. This week, my particular kisses to Mark F, Lisa B, Heather H, Peter B, Phillipa S, Damien M, Pam M, Alison G, Barbara C, Nan H, Ed D, Cathryn, Monica K, Elle W, Karen J, Heidi Anne M, Irene K, Keith C and Heather F. Bless you sweet hearts.

If you'd like to join my Patreon, you can click here to sign up. There are some tiers you can join, but honestly, I am just grateful that people read and enjoy my recaps. Throwing me cash is the cherry on top.

Until next week, when Cersei re-enters the fray!

6 Responses to ‘GoT Raven On Recap: S8E3 "The Long Night"’

she_jedi ducks in to say...

Posted May 1
Holy hell that was an epic recap for an epic episode, well done MoK, this kitten salutes you!

I am very upset about Lyanna Mormont but damn she went out like the absolute badass that we all knew her to be, and I can’t help but respect the writers for that.

Am I the only person suddenly shipping Sansa and Tyrion? Their interactions in the crypts were a highlight, especially the moment when Sansa pulls her dagger out and you don’t know if they’re contemplating a suicide pact or getting ready to defend themselves. Some top acting from Sophie Turner and Peter Dinklage there.

I honestly spent most of the battle going “WHERE IS TORMUND, IS HE OK?” Then sighing in relief when he popped up in the next shot, then panicking again when I lost him. I still can’t believe how Greyworm, Pod and Sam survived, I was convinced he was a goner when Jon had to choose between saving him or getting to Bran, and chose Bran. I’m very grateful that Jaime, Brienne and Tormund survived, I was prepared for deep seated trauma watching favourites die this week and almost feel cheated that it didn’t happen (not complaining mind you, but now I feel like I have to brace myself all over again in the coming weeks).

And YAAAS QUEEN to our girl Arya, I can add nothing to her ninja badassery but my everlasting love and admiration.

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jl has opinions thus...

Posted May 1
Arya has always been my favorite. Awesome recap!

Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted May 3
Me too - in print and on screen! As usual though one of the best bits of the episode is the recap!

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted May 2
Brilliant work as you requested I wished you good fortune as you requested but you didn't need it, your recap is amazing. As someone who saves up the series to binge watch I find your recaps the best for making me feel like I am watching it, though I think I am laughing more than I will when I watch the episodes.

bay boomer, baby doomer is worth the cost of admission.

What I am most looking forward to is when the rebel alliance kicks Darth Cersei's arse and urine Greyjoy has to flee back to the Iron Islands to find Yara Greyjoy siting on the Salt Throne waiting for him. The look on her face is what I am waiting to see.

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Sparty asserts...

Posted May 2
This was probably really funny but I think the contrast on my laptop is dodgy cause I couldn't read any of it.....

Sorry in joke there... Its great - between this, Gay of Thrones and the actual making of vids HBO put up, which usually show how much effort they put into a practical effect where as Marvel would have completely CGI'd it - like Barns I really feel my viewing experience is enhanced.

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John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 3
re. the dark. I watched this in a hotel room in Sydney, with the lights off and curtains drawn and it was pretty much perfect.

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Rejection letter for DEATH CAME WITH TENTACLES; my failed Dave Hooper romance novel

Posted April 26 into Book Extract by John Birmingham

Dear Mr Birmingham

Thank you so much for giving Harlequin Romance the opportunity to consider your manuscript DEATH CAME WITH TENTACLES. While I really enjoyed reading about Dave Hooper’s fight with an army of demonic squids, I'm sorry to say I can't offer you a contract with Harlequin Romance at this time. Dave is an engaging character and you have a compelling writing style, but neither Dave nor this particular story are quite right for our readers. May we explain why?


Harlequin Romance, as implied by our name, is a long time publisher of romantic fiction, mostly for women. Over the years our most beloved stories have been told by our most relatable heroines. Dave, while no doubt relatable to a number of men, is not by the strict dictionary definition, a heroine—what you might call a lady hero. He is arguably not even much of a hero. His character arc does not so much progress along a hero’s journey as it aimlessly weaves from one drunken encounter to the next, behind the wheel of a stolen pickup truck, which is filled with unstable explosives.


While Dave’s unexplained sexual magnetism does mean that a great many of these ‘encounters’ are with ‘super hot bitches’, the ensuing relationships are, to be honest, rather too numerous, random and short in duration to really qualify as ‘romance’; at least as far as our readership understands the word. As the only other encounters in DEATH CAME WITH TENTACLES tend to involve Dave wrestling with gigantic evil calamari monsters, there does not appear to be much room for his character to grow or for the story to unfold as a traditional Harlequin Romance reader might expect.


It is true that even in romance, story and character cannot evolve and advance without conflict, but our most successful authors tend to define such conflict in terms of emotional disconnect between a relatable heroine and the man of her dreams. Whilst you do briefly mention Dave’s one serious emotional issue—his love for Sparky, his morbidly obese hunting dog, and Dave’s distress when Sparky is eaten by a demon squid—we felt that this issue lacked depth and nuance. Dave’s response to the loss of his one true love (pulling all of the tentacles off the demon squid that ate poor Sparky, tying them into a giant calamari ball, and throwing it into an exploding oil refinery, which previously had not been mentioned anywhere in the text) did quite deftly reveal character through action, but we did not feel it was the sort of character which would appeal to our readers.


We are sorry to disappoint you on this occasion, but it is always possible that future manuscripts not involving Dave, Sparky, horror squids and quite so many super hot bitches, may find a home with us, and we hope you'll consider us for future submissions.

Yours sincerely


Joanne St. Lucia.
Editorial Department
Harlequin Romance.

Extracted from The Seven Stages of Drinking Martinis.

6 Responses to ‘Rejection letter for DEATH CAME WITH TENTACLES; my failed Dave Hooper romance novel’

jl mumbles...

Posted April 26
This is a classic.

Respond to this comment

FormerlyKnownAsSimon is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26
We all need a previously unnoticed exploding oil refinery from time to time.

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted April 26
Clearly you misspelled the publisher, you needed to submit it to HENTAI ROMANCE.

FormerlyKnownAsSimon has opinions thus...

Posted April 26
hahahaha

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Therbs would have you know...

Posted April 26
Come on, who didn't cry when Sparky died? I know I did.

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Bondiboy66 reckons...

Posted April 29
Do Mills and Boon still publish? Maybe give them a go.

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Respond to 'Rejection letter for DEATH CAME WITH TENTACLES; my failed Dave Hooper romance novel'

Danger Close

Posted April 24 into Movies by John Birmingham

I dips me lid to Havoc for bringing this to my atention over on the Book of Face. DANGER CLOSE, a retelling of the Battle of Long Tan. Not sure how I missed it before. I cant tell if the script is any good from this clip (although I'm amused by the need for subtitles.) I think the actors and producers have done well to capture the character of the soldiers from that era. They look normal, eve a bit vintage, not like the muscle mountains of the present day.

I will be interested to see whether the Vietnamese get to be three dimensional characters or simply bullet fodder. I thought the Mel Gibson film (We Were Soliders Once, And Young) did reasonably well for a Hollywood effort on that front, even if the humanisation of the Other was all invested in one character.

2 Responses to ‘Danger Close’

Bondiboy66 would have you know...

Posted April 29
I know another film was made about Long Tan (haven't seen it though). I am keen to see how this one goes, and hope they don't go all 'Hollywood' with it e.g. invent American involvement, add a Love Interest,all that sort of thing. Or in other words, I hope they don't Fuck It Up.

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Naut is gonna tell you...

Posted April 29
Yeah, i hope they don't mythologise it and just stick to what happened. Hopefully with a fair representation of the other side too.

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GoT S8E2: "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms"

Posted April 23 into Raven On by girlclumsy

MY BEAUTIFUL CREATURES!

PUNCH THE SKY!

TORMUND IS A FEMINIST HERO, GENDRY IS NEKKID AND #BOATSEX IS NO MORE!

Sure, the imminent demise of the entire North is upon us, Bran “Three-Eyed Raven” Stark is about to play Captain Catfish in the Tinderfell Godswood and forget Mance Rayder, Arya Stark just lit THE BIGGEST FIRE THE NORTH HAS EVER SEEN, but wowsers, that in-the-nick-o-time confession from Jon Snow that threw Dany almost to The Wall itself made for buttock-clenching viewing.

I mean, sure, Jon could have just LIED and held off telling the truth until AFTER the carnage. He had been slightly avoiding Dany for most of the episode anyway, and why not just see how the ultimate boss battle plays out first? No need to distract Dany’s focus when we all need her and her dragons at Peak Barbeque Readiness.

But as we know from the Dragon Pits last season, Jon Snow is the Al Gore of Westeros - full of inconvenient truths. It’s never been My Beloved’s style to be backwards in coming honorably forwards, even when, let’s face it, his timing could be better. Except for me, who thinks it’s perfect, because there’s nothing less of a turn-on than finding out not only your bed-buddy is your nephew but has a better claim to Your Iron Throne than you do.


"I have chosen... poorly."

Did you notice? Yes, that’s right. I said it. MY BELOVED. Welcome back.

NOW, YOU STAY ALIVE. NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, I WILL FIND YOU.

Sorry, I just came over all Last of the Mohicans there, which was sort of the Taken of the early 90s with longer hairdos.

Gosh, imagine if you’d never read a Raven On recap before. You’d think I was entirely mad.

Imagine if you HAD read a Raven On recap before. You’d think I was entirely mad.

But mad is as mad does, and we’re going to start this week’s rocking Raven On recap with some MAD DANCE TUNES.

All hail the Homecoming, for it is Queen Bey we bow to, as we praise our favourite Men of Westeros.

All the Jon Snow ladies (All the Jon Snow ladies)
All the Tormund ladies (All the Tormund ladies)
All the Gendry ladies (All the Gendry ladies)
All the thirsty ladies
Now put your hands up

Up in the crypt, feeling whipped
From trying to save Winterfell
Well, I got the blues, but you gonna bruise
'Cause another brother broke the spell
Lyanna Stark, her story arc
Breaks with normal convention
She cried her tears, but faced her fears
You can’t be mad at me

'Cause Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on it
Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on it
Don’t be mad ‘cause your face has got Aegon it
Westeros, well I should be the king of it
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on it
Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on it
Don’t be mad ‘cause your face has got Aegon it
Westeros, well I should be the king of it

I got milk on my lips, an axe on my hips
There’s a giant running through my genes
Kissed by fire, my one desire
The Big Woman to notice me
Jaime’s decision, did I mention?
Don’t give me apprehension
’Cause I applauded
When she got lauded
And I really think she loves me beardy

'Cause if you like it, then get Pod to sing on it
If you like it, then get Pod to sing on it
We’re gonna live so she’ll have my offspring on it
Come on Pod, why don’t you just sing on it
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause if you like it, then get Pod to sing on it
If you like it, then get Pod to sing on it
We’re gonna live so she’ll have my offspring on it
Come on Pod, why don’t you just sing on it
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Don't treat me like I’m wearing skirts that twirl
I’m not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, as much as murder
Before death comes to take you, I shall shake you
And deliver you to your destiny, thanks for my new magic wand
Petite mort we now dance
Say, you’re still wearing pants
I swear I’ll use no leeches
If you just ditch your breeches

All the Jon Snow ladies (All the Jon Snow ladies)
All the Tormund ladies (All the Tormund ladies)
All the Gendry ladies (All the Gendry ladies)
All the thirsty ladies
Now put your hands up
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh

'Cause Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on it
‘Cause my origin has got quite a sting on it
Dany’s mad ‘cause her face has got Aegon it
But Westeros, well, I should be the king of it
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
‘Cause Jaime knights her and her smile’s all bling on it
Fight’s a-coming and Pod will sing on it
The God of Death says might as well fling on it
Gendry made a weapon now go swing on it
Whoa, oh, oh


And that’s all without mentioning Señor Narrativa de Redención himself, Jaime Lannister, who demands a few thirst-quenchers in his own right.

S8E2: A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

I know I began with a fair bit of fan fanfare, but this episode could also be called “All Quiet on the Winterfell Front”. It’s a pre-war war movie, in which people made up for quarrels that seem so remote now, talk about hopes for a future they will (gulp) likely not have, and say their farewells to loved ones without ever actually using the phrase “goodbye”.

So yeah, Cersei’s non-existent elephant in the room is... not *that* much happened.

But dammmmmnnnnn, we are going to get slammmmmmmmed with death next week. I hate the thought of it, but they prepped us good and hard. Tyrion, Tormund, Beric, The Hound and Arya were just some of our favourites to ruminate about impending doom. So for gods’ sake, let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings, at least until The Hound threatens to throw us off the f***ing battlements. Next week we’ll get plenty of action.

Oh wait…

All in good time, all in good red-hot-Gendrya-hook-up time.

For now, let us muse on the line that Tyrion says to Jaime midway through the episode: “The perils of self-betterment”. This for me carries through for all of our characters; from often murky, self-serving and/or treacherous beginnings, they forged alliances, learned from mistakes and now stand at the edge of the world ready to die. Becoming a better person might give you a moral salve, but as Tyrion further remarks, you might end up being torn apart by dead men for your troubles.

Someone who may be in need of rapid personal growth is Daenarys Targaryen.

She begins this episode as she ends it: PISSED. OFF.

Jaime Lannister is responsible for the death of her father and numerous other crimes Daenarys would consider treason. Now he’s brought the news his one-time lover/close genetic relative Darth Cersei has given them a bigger royal brush-off than Megan Markle’s Dad. There ain’t no Lannister forces coming to help fight the army of the dead; just one man with one hand.


He's not even this useful.

Tyrion pleads on his brother’s behalf, but given Jaime’s history with the Starks, it’s no surprise Sansa is onboard with Dany’s plan to hobble the Kingslayer permanently. It’s only when the GLORIOUS WONDER that is Brienne of Tarth gets up to defend him, that Dany finds herself on the outer.

Brienne describes Jaime as a “man of honour” - a touching callback to the time in the Harrenhal bathtub when she called him out as a “man without honour” before he explained the tragic events leading up to his king-slaying moment, and their whole relationship began to change.

Sansa trusts Brienne, and so if she vouches for Jaime, that’s good enough for her. Jon Snow, ever practical, only cares about the body count that can help reduce the body count.

(Sidebar: it’s interesting that Jon and Sansa seem to have reconciled titles for the moment; he is the Warden of the North and she is the Lady of Winterfell. Every kid gets a prize!)

Jaime looks rather adoringly at Brienne, and with good reason. He later says he used to be Tyrion’s only friend; in fact, Jaime didn’t really have a non-related friend either, until Brienne. Brienne though, keeps her gaze firmly on Dany and Sansa; if she were to look at Jaime who knows what OUTPOURINGS OF LOVE might spill forth. Actually, there probably wouldn’t be anything, just more repression. Brienne is at such Jane Austen levels of broody we may as well dub her Mr Tarthy.

There’s a moment when Bran chirps up with the old “The things we do for love” rejoinder, which floors Jaime, but which everyone else seems to treat like Bran’s attempt to start a 10cc karaoke singalong and ignores.

Dany is forced to accept Jaime’s heartfelt apology and pledge to fight on the side of the living. Tyrion breathes a sigh of relief, and with not much of a word, Jon nopes out of there.

Dany stalks out, with Tyrion readying himself for the oncoming tongue-lashing, a very different type to those received earlier in his career.

Predictably, Dany is so cheesed off it’s almost too much to camembert. Tyrion decries himself as a fool not a traitor, but Dany says his recent run of foolish decisions means she might be in the market for a new Hand of the Queen. Jorah and Varys have some visible sympathy for Tyrion, whose voice near trembles when he says one of them might be wearing the badge soon enough.

Jaime begins his Winterfell Apology tour, making the rounds to atone for some of his sins. He interrupts Bran interfacing with the weirwood tree to say soz for the pushing and the paralysing. But, as I predicted (sorry to brag, but if you can’t give yourself the odd pat on the back, what’s the point), Bran’s nonchalant about his Lannister-inflicted loss of limb function. “I’m not angry at anyone,” he deadbrans, proving he’s on some sort of supernatural sedative (Diaze-bran?)

Branadol tells Jaime he needed him to fight the White Walkers, not be murdered, which is why he didn’t dob him in. Jaime’s interested in what might follow the battle. “How do you know there’ll be an ‘afterwards’?” Bran responds, confirming to Jaime that he really isn’t Bran anymore, because sure, Bran may have spied on Jaime rooting in the tower back in the day, but that wasn’t nearly as creepy as now.

Jaime wanders back into the courtyard to meet his lil’ bro, still smarting from his dressing down from Dany. He tries to convince Tyrion that Cersei pulled the wool over his eyes, but Tyrion says Jaime let Cersei get the leg over him.

Tyrion’s cranky he underestimated Cersei; but Jaime confirms that she is, in fact, preggers, a question that’s been doing the rounds since last week’s episode intensified theories that she might just be making the whole baby thing up.

There’s a lovely moment when Tyrion calls back to when he was trying to convince the Hill Tribes of The Vale not to murder him, saying he always pictured dying in his own bed, with a belly full of wine and a women’s mouth wrapped around his, well, downstairs chicken. Jaime joins in on the quote halfway through; clearly an old joke between the pair long before the events of the show began.

Tyrion gets a bit ironically bleak, picturing himself being ripped apart by dead men to deprive Cersei of that honour, then marching on King’s Landing to do the same to her. But Jaime has eyes for someone else… the MIGHTY PRINCESS, FORGED IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE, SHE WAS XENA… no, wait, sorry, my other favourite ass-kicking hero, Brienne of Tarth.

Things have gotten quite… tender… between these two, in a way that only YouTube mash-up fanfic can capture.

As the trenches are dug outside the castle walls, Brienne is watching Pod help train other fighters, and quick sidebar to say HELLO, PODRICK PAYNE, I’M STARTING TO SEE WHAT ALL THOSE GIRLS WERE KEEN ON. Seriously, Brienne’s specialised form of H.I.I.T training is paying off.

Jaime tries to be respectful, but Brienne can’t believe the old sarcastic Jaime will burst out with another insult like all the other boys. The Kingslayer is genuinely trying to be a bettter dude, and is not joking when he steps down in status to simply be a soldier at her command. Brienne is touched, although not quite as golden-hands-on as I would like.

Goodness, why am I SO onboard the Jaime traime? He was SUCH an INCESTUOUS GIT early on, but he’s turning more noble than Don Quixote, and I can totally understand why Brienne might want to tilt at his windmills.

We’ll get back to those two and their fireside moment later, because it’s a KNIGHT TO REMEMBER.


"Congratulations on your 659th Terrible Pun."

Ser Jorah Mormont now seems to be in the pinnacle position of his career, and one he would have thought impossible a few seasons ago: being the only person who can make Daenarys smile.

It’s Jorah, using his many years of very personal experience, who suggests that as Dany forgave him, perhaps she needs to forgive Tyrion for his muck-ups. Jorah says his heart was broken when he found out Dany had appointed Tyrion Hand of the Queen over him, even though he was off in the Citadel being de-scaled by Sam Tarly. But he now thinks she made the right call, and even though Tyrion’s a motor mouth he often wished he could throw into the sea, he is the right dude to be by Dany’s side, because he learns from his mistakes. AND LEARNING FROM MISTAKES IS GOOD, DANY.

He has another suggestion too: Girl Talk with Sansa Stark.

This scene was a beautifully played chamber drama, with the stakes tipping back and forth and back again - and not in Dany’s favour.

Sansa reiterates her trust in Brienne re: Jaime, and backs Tyrion as a good man. Dany’s still a little bit peeved, wanting Tyrion to have been ruthless not good, but Sansa points out nobody should have trusted Cersei, even Dany.

Sidebar: Can I just reiterate again how much I love that Game of Thrones has these big, momentous events - that sometimes turn out to be giant mistakes? We were all so excited for the Dragon Pit sequence at the end of season seven, and sure, it was a great spectacle, but really, had Jon sent a raven to Sansa after capturing the wight up north, she would have told him straight away that Cersei wouldn’t give a shit, and to hightail it to Winterfell without buggerising around down south. Arya is right: Sansa really is the smartest person in the room.

As I grow older, it’s the one thing that becomes clearer to me - that the world is just full of people either learning or not learning from previous mistakes. And because it’s impossible to soak up all possible mistakes made by all sorts of people, it’s no wonder we repeat them. Throw in different types of personality conflicts and it’s a small miracle that humans have things like wheels and hospitals and sprawling multi-arc fantasy television series.

Sansa softens towards Dany a little when the Dragon Queen highlights their shared victories - being leaders, being women leaders, and being damn good women leaders. But what could POSSIBLY be cock-blocking their friendship?


"Who has two thumbs and is THIS GUY?"

Sansa doesn’t hold back telling Dany she thinks men in love can be easily manipulated. But Dany fires back, Targaryen eyes flashing, that all she has wanted is the Iron Throne, and yet here she is in the godforsaken north about to risk everything she’s worked for to potentially die at the hands of some crypto-fascist zombie climate polluters. “Who’s manipulated whom here, Sansa? Huh?”


"Men, am I right?"

Sansa concedes the point and the glacier between them seems to thaw again. But then Sansa queries what will happen to the North if the battle against the dead is won and Dany takes the Iron Throne. “WHAT ABOUT THE NORTH, DANY? WHAT ABOUT IT?”

Dany’s face, so smiling and warm a moment before, turns icy again. The Wall goes back up between them.

Luckily an attendant enters just before the WWE-style scrag fight can begin.

THEON’S ARRIVED.

Dany takes his return quite calmly, even though technically he abandoned the fleet he and Yara had pledged to serve her when Euron attacked. But hey, at least he rescued Yara, who’s on her way to claim back the Iron Islands.

Sansa is a quiet presence in this exchange until Theon declares he wants to fight for Winterfell. I must admit I wasn’t expecting as much emotion from Sansa, as she flings herself into his arms, tears in her eyes.

Theon ruined life for the Starks for a few seasons there, but he saved Sansa’s life from BOO HISS Ramsay Bolton. It’s an example to Dany of what gaps Sansa has had to bridge to forgive; gaps wider than, say, Tyrion under-estimating Cersei.

Ser Davos Seaworth’s Soup Kitchen is open for business, serving the finest bowls of brown in the North. The Onion Knight’s job is to tell reluctant refugees that they’re going to have to fight, as may as well head to the forge to get suited up.

There’s a sweet moment with a young girl with a scarred face, bringing to mind lost little Shireen Baratheon. She wants to fight the zombies, but Gilly asks her to come to the crypts to protect her and Baby Sam. The girl accepts this proposal, and hurries off with her food, just as a horn sounds.

TIME FOR A HAPPY REUNION!

Jon rushes over to embrace Dolorous Ed from the Night’s Watch, but before he can get there, is crash-tackled by everybody’s favourite everything, TORMUND GIANTSBANE.



"Charge!"

There are hugs all around, and it’s genuinely charming to see Jon Snow smiling. Like with his face. You can see his teeth. The gang’s all back together - at least until dawn the next day, which is when the Night King is bringing his Endless Rave to the gates of Winterfell. Of course, Tormund has his priorities right - is The Big Woman still here?

It’s time for Everybody We Love in The Known Universe (Except Bronn) to gather for a Giant War Room Tabletop Strategy Meeting.

I actually got goose flesh seeing so many of these dearly loved people all standing together preparing for what could be a final stand.

Jon thinks their best chance is taking out the Night King, which should cause all the others to cark it, but it’s Bran who realises he will be the key to victory, as the Night King will be coming for him.

We’ve been trying to figure out what the Night King actually wants for about four seasons, but it appears to be nothing more complex than deleting Bran’s internal hard drive. I once fried a motherboard by tripping and accidentally throwing a full glass of Pepsi Max over my Mac, but I’m not sure if the Night King’s thought of that cunning plan, or if Bran is susceptible to attack by cola products.


Oh, that is in very poor taste, shame on you.

Sam says it’s more than just erasing memory; it’s about erasing the humanity that memory creates. Bran’s plan is to park himself in the Godswood and dangle his big juicy all-knowing humanity-inspiring brain out as bait.

Sansa and Arya aren’t up for that idea, but Theon quickly shows you don’t need testicles to have balls. He volunteers to be Bran’s bodyguard, explaining “I took this castle from you. Let me defend it now.” Again, another flawed Thrones character who it’s just become too hard to hate. There’s a moment while everyone accepts that Theon is going to die, a few quiet coughs, then planning continues.

Tyrion says he and Davos will be on the walls to give a signal for Jon to light the trench (ooooh, foreshadowing!), but Dany’s having none of it. Tyrion may be keen to fight alongside everyone else, but he’s also the smartest adviser she’s got. With Jorah listening, Dany indirectly apologises to Tyrion for ranting at him, and says he must stay in the crypts so at least one brain survives to help post-battle. Well done, Dany, that seems to be a decent bit of tempering your temper.

The group hopes dragon fire will assist, but the dragons can’t be too far away from Bran. Arya questions whether dragon fire will defeat the Night King, but Bran’s like “Dunno, mate, no bastard’s ever tried, but first time for everything, ay?”

“We’re all going to die at Winterfell,” chirrups Tormund. “But at least we die together!”

He’s ever the optimist our Tormund, hoping this last ditch pitch might sway Brienne to climb aboard his ginger love beard for the evening. But as always, she’s just mildly disturbed by his penetrating gaze.

Jon urges everyone to get some rest, but nopes out on Dany once again, refusing to meet her eyes as she clearly was hoping for a late night snuggle post battle-planning. It’s a moment Tyrion notices and notes, before pulling up a chair and asking Bran to spin him a yarn about his bizarre career change.

It’s then that the goodbyes begin.

Grey Worm tells Missandei he’s loyal to Dany, but once she’s won the battle and the Iron Throne, he’s keen to pack up and just take a vacation. Missandei is not averse to the idea of a Contiki tour to her homeland of Narth, and Grey Worm is confident his men will bring the muscle. It’s a benign, couple-y type of conversation, the sort of other plans you make while life is busy happening.

Jon and Sam keep watch on the battlements, something they would have done time and time again at Castle Black. They’re joined by a white dog which surely, SURELY, can’t be Ghost?!?! He looked too small to be Ghost. The last time we saw Ghost was in season six, and he was much bigger. I know Ghost was the runt of the litter, but he was still a direwolf. What’s going on?


Don't tell me this is a Milo & Otis situation.

Sam ribs Jon about not yet dropping his origin story bombshell on Daenarys, but Jon is not here for his “biding your time” jokes. Dolorous Ed joins them, and Jon suggests Sam join Gilly and Baby Sam in the crypts. Sam’s ego is dented by this slight on his physical ability - after all, he was the first dude to dust a White Walker in the current era. He also stole a bunch of library books, he’ll have you know, and he’s capable of zinging Ed about his lack of boning action.

“Sam Tarly, Slayer of White Walkers, Lover of Ladies. If we needed any more proof the world was ending.” Ed Tollett really is the driest son of a bitch this side of the Narrow Sea.

The trio remark on how they’re the only ones left from the Night’s Watch, and pledge that any survivors burn the corpses of the others.

We travel now, ladies and gentlemen, to the Great Hall, where the Brothers Lannister are enjoying an aperitif or seven before the final fight. After all, who can sleep? Tyrion would like to see the look on their father’s face, to see both of his sons facing impending death defending Winterfell. They reminisce about the good old days, which weren’t that good, really, what with all the sister-shagging. But they’ve come a long way, with Tyrion also giving up his shagging habits. So here they are, two celibate bros, about to die for a woman from a rival house. Now that’s progress.

Brienne and Pod show up, looking for somewhere warm to “contemplate their impending deaths”. Brienne allows Pod half a cup of wine, but Tyrion of course fills it up for his one-time squire. Davos rushes in to embrace the fire; and I love the fact that he stood immediately with his back to it, which is EXACTLY what I do if I’m somewhere cold and want to warm up. The butt must come first.

Tormund prowls in next, with eyes just for Brienne. This moment with Tormund is one of the greatest virtuoso comic performances I’ve ever seen, and this is a character rich with them. His story about the origins of his Giantsbane name are hilarious, and the way he caps it by downing a full horn of Farmers’ Union Iced Coffee is spectacular.


Once again, thank you, Reddit geniuses.

The rest of the cast watch on in the most delightful confusion, until Davos relents and says maybe he will have a drink after all.

Tyrion remarks that most people in the room have fought against the Starks at some point, but here they are now, all together, fighting for them. He also lets a glimmer of hope in, and starts to think they might live. After all, they have each survived many battles - I loved Jaime pointing out he was the “fabled loser” of the Battle of Whispering Wood. Tyrion misnames Brienne as Ser Brienne, and she has to explain to Tormund that women can’t be knights.

Why not? Tradition. “F*** tradition!” declares Tormund, instantly rocketing to the top of the Feminist Hero charts. Brienne’s like “I don’t even WANT to be a knight”, and Pod shoots her the best “Bullshit!” look in the show. Tormund, ever out to impress Brienne, says he would knight her ten times over if he were a king, and one imagines there’s some subtext to that offer.

It’s Jaime who brings the conversation back on track. “I’m a knight, I can make another knight,” he says, bringing up a rule I wasn’t really aware of, but maybe it’s a special Westerosi tradition.

Brienne doesn’t move at first, and it’s not hard to see her processing whether this is yet another bad joke at her expense. But Jaime is serious, and she kneels before him. Citing the Warrior, the Father and the Mother, he charges her to be brave, just and defend the innocent (Well Ser Gregor Clegane never took that oath to heart). “Arise, Brienne of Tarth, a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms!”

Applause breaks out, and no one is more enthusiastic than Tormund, clapping his great paws together like the bear he allegedly once copulated with.

But Brienne’s eyes shine with love at Jaime, and he recognises that light. He sees in her the kind of knight he wished he could have been, the kind of knight who would fill the pages of those dusty biography books back in King’s Landing that had his major achievement of note as being the “Kingslayer”. His father Tywin once told him a lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sheep; but in this moment Jaime realises that is totally wrong. Brienne has given him the standard of knighthood he should have had all along; it is her gift to him. His knighting her is but a small recognition in return.


"This is the first time I have ever smiled in my life and it HURTS my FACE."

Down in the courtyard, we FINALLY see Ser Jorah Mormont talking to Lady Lyanna Mormont, his cousin and BETTER. He’s gently urging her against fighting in order to protect the future of their house, but Lyanna is like “Sorry, cous, duty calls, and I’ve got some zombie ass to kick.”

Lyanna wishes him well and stalks off, leaving Sam to fill the conversational gap. He’s brought along the Tarly Family Sword he stole from Dad Randall before the old grouch got roasted more savagely than Barnaby Joyce at a summertime outdoor Family Values conference with happy hour rum cocktail specials.

Sam wants Jorah to have Heartsbane (Heartsbae, remember?!), because he basically can’t even lift it, and it would make sense to have a kick ass fighter be armed with Valyrian steel in this take-no-prisoners battle royale. Sam also has Jorah’s dad Jeor for helping him in the Night’s Watch, and Jorah says he will wield it in the old Bear’s honour.

Now this, I think, marks a full circle for Jorah. He’s given up any claim on Dany’s affection, told her she’s right to trust others, and now has had his honour restored. He betrayed his father and was not entitled to Longclaw, but now Sam, a protege of Ser Jeor, has closed the gap.

Which means Ser Jorah is likely to be No More-ah next week. I know, I know, he’s stuck around this far! But if I had to bet on one character carking it in the battle, I would throw those golden dragons on Ser Jorah. I’M SORRY, JORAH THE ANDAL. I have loved your gravelly voice and devotion beyond measure and that yellow shirt you don’t wear anymore because it got too sweaty. I will remember you, I promise.


"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you"

Let’s talk GENDRYA, which was the hook-up we all wanted, and yet were strangely uncomfortable with.

The foreplay starts with forge-play, as Arya visits Gendry all sweaty at work, demanding he hurry up and finish her specialty weapon (ooer). She wants to know what the White Walkers and wights are like, and the best Gendry can come up with is that they’re like Death, coming at you. Arya casually describes how she knows Death, and how it has many faces, and she’s super chill to meet this one, all while flinging dragon glass knives at the wall like she just escaped a circus. Gendry is like “Cool, well I’ll get right on that weapon, then, you strangely flirty nutbag.”


"It is hot in here, and I'm not talking about the forge."

Later Arya chills for a bit with the Hound on the battlements. He’s confused by her newfound stoic silence, which replaced the non-stop nattering she used to do when travelling with him. Beric Dondarrion soon joins them, having returned with Tormund. He’s still a believer in the Lord of Light, even if the Hound reminds him that Thoros of Myr is dead and the Lord of Light will be pretty pissed to have brought Beric back 19 times only to see him be flung over the castle walls by the Hound for trying to pray.

All this is nice, and all, but Arya isn’t keen to spend her final few hours on earth with these miserable old bastards. What, and miss out on that sparkling Hound banter? Yes, because she’s got a better idea about how to employ her mouth.

Obviously knowing he would magically locate her, Arya practises with bow and arrow in what seems to be a grain storage room, judging by all those sacks piled around the room. Gendry shows up with the new weapon, which Arya judges as being good enough. She then subjects Gendry to a series of emotionless questions about The Red Woman, better known as reclusive singer-songwriter Kate Bush. Gendry gets all flustered as she pumps him for information on what she wanted with him; and to her credit Arya is actually surprised when Gendry confesses he is Robert Baratheon’s bastard son. But then, Robert had a son, Ned had a daughter. It seems this is the real way they’ll join their houses.

“We may both die tomorrow; I ought to know what it’s like,” Arya declares, before jumping Gendry. “I’m not the Red Woman,” she says as she disrobes. “Take your own bloody pants off.”

Yes, Arya is a grown woman, but she’s still a LITTLE GIRL! We’ve watched her since she was 12, and NOW LOOK THERE’S SOME SIDEBOOB. It’s awesome and empowering for the character, but awkward for us as viewers. I’m sure I’m not the only one who blushed and did some mental arithmetic around their ages.

For a cherry-popping scene, it was intimate and cosy, but hey, I guess it was a nice time to show the joy of sacks.

Back at the big fire party, Tyrion’s keen for a song, which you know is the sign when everyone should pack up their eskies and head home. Nobody’s stepping up until Pod opens his mouth and starts warbling a tune about a girl named Jenny dancing with ghosts (or possibly goats, who knows). The man has a golden tongue, after all, I shouldn’t be surprised he has a golden voice.

The maudlin melody prompts more introspection from our late night partygoers, and opens up to a montage of where everyone else is: Sam and Gilly deep in shared thought as Baby Sam sleeps between them; Sansa and Theon having a last meal as friends; Arya pondering her first sack race while Gendry sleeps; Grey Worm kissing Missandei before leading a column of Unsullied out to prepare; Ser Jorah checking the defences on horseback. The final refrain of the song is “never wanted to leave” repeated over and over, a reminder that all these people are making sacrifices they’d rather not, but do out of duty.

Finally.

The crypts.

Dany ventures down to find Jon Snow standing in front of the statue of Lyanna Stark. She reaches for him, but he makes no move to embrace her. She’s awkward as she tries to understand how her brother Rhaegar, famed for being kind and artistic, could also have raped Lyanna.


"I swear to the old gods I did not get this from InfoWars."

“He didn’t,” Jon says, the first blow struck at the lie that has held the Seven Kingdoms in its grip for more than 20 years.

“He loved her. They were married in secret. After Rhaegar fell at the Trident, she had a son.”

In an echo of Sam telling Jon the truth last week, the camera stays on Dany’s face as she takes it in - the threat to the child, Ned’s promise to Lyanna, Jon’s real name of Aegon Targaryen.

Dany is disbelieving. A secret nobody knows - except Jon’s brother and best friend? But it is true, Jon says, the acceptance in his voice. It must feel right to him, despite last week’s shock upon hearing it. All this time, his whole motherless life - his mother was underneath him at Winterfell all along. Suddenly his inside-but-outside life made sense. Not that he necessarily wants to be the King, of course, but in true Jon Snow-style, the truth is always his best path.

“You would have a claim to the Iron Throne,” is the last statement Dany utters before the horns herald the approaching army of the dead. Jon turns at the sound, but Dany’s gaze is still on him, steely. In just a few moments, her whole identity has changed; and she doesn’t have the luxury of a day or two to get used to the concept before charging into war.

The pair join Tyrion on the battlements, and once again he notices the emotional space between them. But they rush off to get in position, leaving Tyrion still on the wall, staring down the massed army of doom.

Out in the snow, the White Walkers on horseback line up side by side, at the head of their mighty army. There is no sign of the Night King; waiting further back on Ice Viserion, perhaps?

Either way, everything’s changed, and nothing will be the same again. Let’s hope the work our characters have done to survive stands them in good stead at this moment.

Valar Morghulis.


Yay! Best Moments

Tormund crash-cuddling Jon as he’s trying to hug Dolorous Ed is a memory I will retreat to whenever I need a happy place.

I’m not sure if he really is a bear-f***ker, but there’s no doubt he’s a bear-hugger.

He also claims the title of Most Disconcerting Milk Drinker since Robin Arryn, and that whole sad drinking and knighting scene was glorious.

Zing! Best Lines

So much of the Arya/Hound/Beric banter was great, but I think I have to go with the girls:

Dany: I’m here because I love your brother, and I trust him. I know he is true to his word. He’s only the second man in my life I can say that about.
Sansa: Who was the first?
Dany: Someone taller.

Eww, gross

With no Cersei or Euron this episode, there really wasn’t that much to get grossed out by this episode. A brief reprieve, perhaps, before the inevitable.

Boo, sucks

SO MUCH DEATH TO COME OUR WAY MY BODY IS NOT READY.

----

Finally, a random thought that occurred to me, and gave me a certain degree of strength facing down next week’s likely bloodbath. A metaphorical stiff dram, if you will.

I’ve never known the origins of the name “Winterfell”, and I’m certainly not going to look into it now, lest it ruin my sense of self-satisfaction at finally coming up with a potentially possibly plausible theory.

But what if the location of the Winterfell fortress was chosen because it’s literally the place where winter… fell? Perhaps this is the location of the defeat of the White Walkers the last time round, more than one thousand years ago? I know Bran the Builder, one of the early Stark kings, built both The Wall and Winterfell. Perhaps the name has been giving us the answer the whole time - that this is the place where winter - aka, the Night King - falls?

Again, there are probably 549 YouTube channels with deep dives already on this theory, but I’m terrible at foreshadowing, so dang it, I’m proud of myself.

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19 Responses to ‘GoT S8E2: "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms"’

jl ducks in to say...

Posted April 23
As always, an awesome recap!

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 24
Thank you so much, JL! Thanks for reading. :)

Respond to this thread

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23
I loved this episode. Nothing like impending doom to focus the mind on what is important.

Next week is going to be brutal.

My list of doomed:
1. Jorah
2. Gendry
3. Brienne
4. At least one more dragon.
5. Theon.
6. Jamie... nope. Saved by Bronn with that crossbow.

I totally thought Bronn was going to walk in on the Lannister boys while they were sitting by the fire. Big disappoint.

As an aside, when I saw where the Arya\Gendry scene was going, I paused it, checked the internet to confirm Arya’s age, then, with a sigh of relief, resumed the episode. The side boob and booty shot were worth the faint feeling of ick.

Great job, Nat.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted April 24
Gendrya was a challenge for a lot of us, I think - I've seen some people suggest we're not accepting Arya's empowered sexuality, but I don't think it's as misogynistic as all that... I honestly think we all see Arya as some sort of murderous assassin baby sister. We've known her since she was little, so of course we are awkward when we see her blossom into a sexual person.

You've got a good list of impending deaths there, I think a fair few will be on the money - and I sure hope Bronn turns up with his crossbow!

Rhino asserts...

Posted April 25
I’ll even venture a guess that the crossbow will be key to Cersei’s demise.

Respond to this thread

struds mutters...

Posted April 23
Lol "Branadol", love it.

Totally agree on the faint feeling of ick, Rhino, haha.

It was suggested in a youtube thingy I looked at that the Night King isn't at Winterfell after all, and has in fact raced down to Kings Landing on his dragon-mobile, looking to turn Cersei's whole crowd into walkers for a two-pronged attack on the North. Fingers crossed that giant spear machine makes good on an already dead dragon, rather than the lovely living ones.

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted April 24
That is a really interesting theory. So the idea is the Ice Viserion would burn everyone, then the Night King would raise them?

I'm just intrigued as to the timing... I know these things are malleable in Westeros, but could it simply take days/hours for the Night King to do this and get another army ready to attack from the south? They are shufflers, after all. :)

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Darth Greybeard puts forth...

Posted April 23
So good. Mrs GB came in to see what I was laughing at.
Yep, wouldn't be surprised if the Night King was heading south but I'd be a bit disappointed if we get Zombie Cersei. I'd hoped for Arya to finish her off. Also, looking forward to a Hound vs Mountain rematch. Will the Mountain be only slightly undead or fully frozen?

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted April 24
It's a very good point - The Hound has a get-out-of-battle-with-the-dead-alive card because he's got to be at Clegane Bowl 2019!

spankee has opinions thus...

Posted April 24
I agree, Clegane Bowl is the Main Event.

The Under Card features:
The 2nd Sons Vs. The Golden Company.
Ser Friend Zone (Jorah) vs. Lord Flash Heart (Euron).

NBlob puts forth...

Posted April 25
Please stop encouraging him.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted April 23
Been looking forward to this recap and it doesn't disappoint, so happy to see you have your song groove back for this season. I do fear for your health as you seem to be burning the candle at both ends and the middle to get these recaps out, live broadcast, and record your podcast. I really enjoy it all but worried you will collapse in a heap at the end.But until then please keep up the amazing work.

Also the song pod sang may have significance.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted April 24
It's going to be a tiring season, that's for sure! But it's the least I can do to give it the appraisal and mad fangirl treatment it deserves! :)

Also Patreons are paying me, so it's my job to get it all done.

Respond to this thread

she_jedi asserts...

Posted April 23
“Mr Tarthy.” OMG stick a fork in me i’m done, I can’t take this punny genius anymore. Well done Nat. Also well done on another amazing recap!

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted April 24
Ha! I was quite proud of "Mr Tarthy". :P

Respond to this thread

Dave has opinions thus...

Posted April 24
Once again a brilliant recap. What has amused me is that this show has shown the following:
1) Incest - Yeah ok
2) Rape - Yeah ok
3) Nether regions cut off - Yeah Ok
4) mass Murder - yeah ok
5) Torture - yeah ok
6) Graphic sex in brothels - Yeah ho hum


But Ayra having sex - OMG this can't happen, how old is she? Everyone googling to see how old Maisie is.

I have to admit Myself and the wife and Daughter were cheering her on. Daughter was shouting out, "Yes".

Respond to this comment

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted April 25
Because my means of GoT access are, um, unorthodox, I watch on an elderly iPad. I know this is petty & to some extent 'youse get what youse pay for,' but FFS turn the damned lights on.
Several of the scenes were so dark I couldn't see bupkiss.
Dog / dire wolf? Didn't even see it.

Respond to this comment

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted April 26
I realise Mother of Kittens doesn't read other sources, blogs, twitter etc so as to leave her creative juices unsullied but someone on twitter posted this I can never again hear the Night King without using the Potteresque title

COLDERMORT.

she_jedi would have you know...

Posted April 29
COLDEMORT! Genius!

Respond to this thread

Respond to 'GoT S8E2: "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms"'

Raven On Recap: GoT S8E1 "Winterfell"

Posted April 17 into Raven On by girlclumsy

Why hello, sexy Throners. You look so lovely and nubile in the candlelight. Let’s all disrobe and enjoy some cosy naked time here on this surprisingly plush bed.

What’s that, you say? You just want to talk about Game of Thrones? About how it’s back, after 595 days of waiting in agony? About how all our favourites reconvened, reunited, reacted to or rode each other? Are you seriously going to chitter chatter over me, trading minute details and emotional responses while I attempt to have my wicked way with all of you?

Well, a woman simply can’t CONCENTRATE on getting her beginning away (it’s hardly an end, thank you very much) with all of this TALK. Honestly, you’d think the WORLD was about to END listening to your gory obsession with dragons and fire and missing eyelids and things that are in no way compliments about my sexual prowess. What do you think this is, a true crime podcast?

Bah. I see there’s no use trying to convince you. Sexy times will have to wait. For now, there is only time to RECAP GAME OF THRONES.

Here we are, back together after so long, dear readers!

Much has happened. They took pictures of a black hole that wasn’t the gaping heart of Australian politics. Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire in Paris while I was writing late into the night, a heart-breaking sight that made me think immediately of Cersei blowing the Sept of Baelor, because that’s what happens when your brain moors itself near-completely in Westeros.

Much has stayed the same. I still have three foster kittens, maintaining my “Mother of Kittens” title. I am still unchallenged as “The World’s Foremost Game of Thrones Recappespondent”, mostly because I made that term up and am still the only person on Planet Earth to use it.

I’m sure we are all a little older, a little wearier, a little ground down by the relentless task of Existing In This World.

Thank heavens then, that Existence has been improved for six final, glorious weeks with the return of The Greatest Television Show That Ever Was Or Will Be.

Let’s just ignore the Impending End, and focus on the Now. For the Night is Dark and Full of Terrors, Winter is Coming, What is Dead May Never Die and in the end we will all be cleansed by Fire and Blood.

The Raven On recaps have returned. I wish us all good fortune in the words to come.

S8E1: Winterfell

As usual for a Game of Thrones season-opener, this episode was very much about blowing cobwebs off dusty chess pieces, moving them into position, and setting up what’s to come.

It was always going to be dominated by the arrival of Daenarys Targaryen, Jon Snow (sigh) and a mighty army descending on Winterfell. But the throughline for me this episode was the nature of allegiances. How are they formed? What bends them, what breaks them? Is trust a necessary ingredient, or can you ally in bad faith? How does the blowing away of assumed knowledge affect your allegiances?

And what kind of deal do you make with a dragon that’s staring you down as you play tonsil hockey with his Mum?

Let’s begin then, as the episode does, with the march into Winterfell of Dany, her massed army of Unsullied, Dothraki and dragons, and her *seemingly* equal partner, Jon Snow.

Our first glimpses of the huge host are from the eyes of young Lord Ned Umber, which interestingly enough will feature again later in this episode (gulp). As predicted, their entry mirrors the very first episode, when King Robert Baratheon’s travelling party marched into Winterfell - they even played a twist on King Robert’s theme music.

It was no surprise to see the point of view pass from Ned Umber to Arya Stark, not waiting in the castle with the official party, but taking in the sights from the parade route through Winter Town, not dissimilar to how she watched that first arrival years ago.

Daenarys and Jon ride side by side in the middle of the Unsullied, all regal and serious, but with the odd look of delight from Dany. This is her first official reception as Queen on the Westerosi mainland; it’s understandable she’s looking forward to it.

I was actually quite cross with Jon when he didn’t even notice Arya, but then, why would he have cause to look? He’s Mr Serious Lord Ally to Hot Lady Dragon Queen now, and he’s expecting everyone to be up at Winterfell.

Arya has further Emotions when she spies the Hound plodding along, dour as ever, and Gendry, looking quite rugged atop his mount (ooer). Can we expect a “Genrya” coupling this season? Does Arya even have space in her life for romance, given she seems to derive the most personal satisfaction from beautifully executed executions?

There’s a rather uncomfortable moment when Grey Worm and Missandei, along with a bunch of Dothraki, pass by town folk throwing them narrow-eyed suspicious looks. Their skin is dark, not something you normally see ‘round these here parts, pardners. Come on, Winter Town, please don’t call the cops on them for no reason. There will be excessive force deployed, but it ain’t gonna be by the white people.

The first lines of the season are fittingly given to Tyrion and Varys, riding in a carriage, and fittingly for me, they’re jokes about testicles. This show just KNOWS me. I feel SEEN.

Drogon and Rhaegal arrive in a blaze of sound and fury, soaring over the snow in a display of wonder not seen since the end of the Official Winterfell Summer Box Kite Competition.

Everyone’s a bit scared, except Arya, whose eyes light up, and Sansa on the castle battlements, who’s more “OK, cool, this is a thing, I can deal.”

The main party roll into the castle, and we get our first moment of real emotion from Jon, when he spies Bran, all calm, all knowing, staring at him from his wheelchair.

We’ll get more into Bran’s preternatural gazing, but for now, let’s follow Jon as he bolts down from his horse, runs to his little bro, and smooches him on the head. “You’re a man!” he exclaims. “Almost,” deadpans Bran (deadbran?)


"I'm still All Bran. Which is incidentally why I look this creepy all the time."

Now you may have noticed I have yet to refer to Jon Snow with any of his usual epithets - My Beloved, Lord of #Junkmound, Possessor of #Abs, King in My Pants.

Because, kittens, I’ve got to admit - I feel a little distant from him. Disconnected.

Like...it’s possible that...I might be losing him.

That this whole *thing* with Daenarys might not have simply been a one-off abhorrent aberration, but an ongoing - *gulp* - genuine affection.

I’m sure everything will be sorted out once the truth of what Donald Trump might describe as Jon’s “oranges” is revealed. But I’m just being a bit tender with my heart right now. Just bubble wrapping it for a moment, to perhaps prevent the damage of a full smash later this season.

Sansa gave Jon an efficient but affectionate hug; she was then introduced to her new Queen, Daenarys. Sansa was polite, gracious even, but we all saw the guardedness in her countenance when it came to the Mother of Dragons.

Bran, though, ain’t got no time for this polite bullshit. He abruptly informs Dany that the Night King has turned Viserion, an excellent way to quickly impart that piece of knowledge in less than three seconds of screentime.

The tension deepens when the northern lords and ladies gather in the Great Hall to discuss preparations for the Oncoming Storm. Little Lord Umber pops up again, requesting more wagons to properly evacuate his home, The Last Hearth. And then, YEAAAAAHHHHHHH, it’s our one true Queen, Lyanna Mormont, asking some Very. Pointed. Questions about what in seven hells Jon Snow has been doing.

Lyanna, remember, was the one who first hailed Jon Snow as King in the North at the end of Season Six, and so it’s only right that she be the Enola Gay dropping nuclear truth bombs onto the Hiroshima that is the North.

Yeah, that was possibly not the ideal metaphor.

Anyways, Jon does have the stones (and the pillar, but I’m trying not to think about that, remember) to defend his actions. “We needed allies, I chose the North over my crown” is his base line argument.

He’s noble and such, and he is doing the right thing as he sees it, but he is being a bit selfish to think that Sansa, Lyanna and others wouldn’t interrogate his choices. He was ACCLAIMED as a king, remember, he didn’t take the crown and inform everyone it was now Jon’s World, and You’re Just Living In It. That was an allegiance forged by the people who voted for their King in the North, with or without a democracy sausage. Jon accepted it reluctantly, sure, but it was not necessarily 100 per cent his to give up.

Dany is all cock of the walk - as far as she’s concerned, she’s Queen, she’s the bizzzzzznezzzzz, Jon’s only doing what’s right and proper. She even gives Sansa some SERIOUS SIDE-EYE when the Lady of Winterfell questions how they’re going to feed not only the greatest army ever assembled, but two dragons.

There’s something of an elemental reversal here as it’s Sansa who fires up with the question “What do dragons even EAT?” and Dany who brings the CHILL with “Whatever they want.”

It’s once again left to Tyrion to be the voice of reason. He’s insistent that they must all fight together - even the Lannisters. Yes, Tyrion reveals to the Northmen that his hated family’s forces are heading north to join the fight. They are NOT. HAPPY. LAN.

But Tyrion is convinced. He even bails up Sansa a bit later to explain just why he thinks Darth Cersei is going to come through for the Rebellion, even if he has absolutely no proof she has withdrawn the fully operational Death Star option from the table.

It’s a great reunion between the one-time husband and wife (or ARE they still married? The internet is ablaze with deep dives), particularly Sansa’s rejoinder that the last time they saw each other, Joffrey’s wedding/murder, “had its moments”.

Tyrion thinks Cersei has something to live for - aka, bubba onboard - but Sansa is blown away he could be convinced. “I once thought you were the smartest man alive,” she quips, then stalking off, shaking her head in disbelief at her younger self.

I love this because Sansa and Tyrion are both acutely aware of Cersei’s treachery, but they come at it from different angles. Sansa was but a girl when she was brought under Cersei’s control after her Dad’s head was nipped off. She grew up being intimately acquainted with Cersei’s cruel and inhuman nature. She also spent a fair bit of time with Chief Creep Littlefinger, and not to mention the pure evil of Ramsay Bolton. The girl has a First Class Honours in the University of Terrible Awful People, How to Spot Them and Why To Treat Everything They Say as a Lie at Best and a Deliberate, Manipulative and Likely Painful Trap at Worst.

Tyrion, though, was a grown man when the events of season one rammed into his cosy world of tits and wine. Despite having the surface knowledge that his sister and father hated him, then achieving a more in-depth understanding after numerous attempts to bump him off, somehow he has a vague sense of being bulletproof when it comes to Cersei’s murderous intent.

He once said Cersei’s only two redeeming features were her cheekbones and the love she bore her children. He is banking on that maternal instinct to come good in the great war against the army of the dead. That’s his weakness.

Sansa knows better. Sansa knows Cersei would sooner give up day drinking than help not one, but now two brothers who are putting a literal life or death fight before her. No wonder she’s disappointed in Tyrion’s supposed intelligence.


"I was so out of that guy's league."

Ser Davos Seaworth (kill him and answer to me, HBO) is not from the North himself, but he knows a thing or two about forging and managing useful alliances. Let’s not forget he had to tone down his initial outright hostility to Red Priestess/80s Chanteuse Kate Bush to a general wariness, in order to maintain his friendship with his former King, Stannis Baratheon. Their wobbly detente was destroyed when Melisandre burned Shireen at the stake, but you know, fair cop. That’s not a frenemy you need anymore.

He’s since been a key adviser to Jon Snow, both as he negotiated with the free folk to join forces, and subsequently as a sort of quasi-hand-of-the-king-in-the-north, helping him with Dragonstone negotiations with Dany.

The Onion Knight knows enough to understand Northerners distrust foreigners, outsiders. And how best to make an alliance? Remove the “D” from “dalliance” it seems.

“A proposal is my proposal,” he says, checking out Jon and Dany’s annoyingly convincing body language as they inspect the campsite outside the castle walls below.

Oh Davos, you old romantic. “Old” being the operative word; Tyrion takes offence at being lumped in with Davos and Varys as the “elder statesmen” of the Targaryen/Stark political machine.

Dany, meanwhile, is concerned that her attempts to get on Sansa’s good side early with all those lovely compliments about her beauty have not worked as she hoped.

She doesn’t think my girl Sansa likes her, but Jon, ever the peacemaker, says it’s just because Sansa doesn’t know Dany yet. Dany’s like, sure, but even if she doesn’t like me, she must respect mah authoritah (is South Park still a reasonable relevant cultural touchstone?)

The pair is interrupted by Dothraki horsemen bringing news that the dragons have only eaten 18 goats and 11 sheep, indicating they may be starving themselves in protest at being flown up to the cold, damp wasteland of the north. They are reptiles after all (one assumes).

It’s like the time I started a hunger strike to protest not being allowed to go to Schoolies at the end of Year 12. Although that lasted approximately 23 minutes before I remembered I didn’t drink, I really didn’t care about the beach, and that no teenage rite-of-passage could ever be as good as food.

So.

Let’s talk about the dragon-riding.

I must admit to having mixed feelings about this sequence. On the one hand, of course I loved it, because it was joyous and funny and it gave the opportunity for Jon Snow to practice dragon-riding before an emergency situation where it might be needed. Dany’s quips to Jon about holding onto “whatever you can” and that should Rhaegal not want him to ride, then “I will miss your company, Jon Snow” were pretty ace.

On the other hand, I was surprised they would choose to burn the dragons’ limited calorific intake on a joy flight; and I really wasn’t expecting the first time Jon Snow rode a dragon that it would be an almost shot-for-shot remake of Neville Longbottom’s first attempt to ride a broomstick in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

As a quick sidebar, given JK Rowling seems to love throwing out new revelations about the Potterverse from 10 years post-Deathly Hallows, has she clarified at all about how painful broomstick riding must be? Think about it - you have a wooden stick clamped between your crotch for potentially hours at a time. Are those wizard robes padded like weekend biking dudes’ lycra pants? Or do they cast anti-chafing spells before they take-off? You never saw that explained in Harry Potter. Nobody ever complained of wang splinters. If anything, side-saddle should be the default riding position in the wizarding world, but no, it was always proper cowboy-style. I’m surprised it was just the Slytherins who were irritable.

Back to Jon. I did somewhat anticipate his first dragon ride would be at a Rather More Dramatic Moment; having to hop on to help out in a battle or something like that. I guess points again to HBO for flipping my expectations on that, making it about the sheer joy of flying rather than the grave necessity of mounting a living scaly missile to deliver maximum payload.

Dany’s never let anybody else attempt a dragon-ride; never set up a little $2 a ride charity stall like they do with Shetland ponies at school fairs. Clearly she trusts Jon enough.

But do the dragons trust him? When they get off to look at waterfalls and… well, get off, Jon has to be reassured that Drogon in particular is OK with his Mommy pashing on with a new boyfriend.


Drogon and I share a similar point of view.

Sigh. Again, the distance, the bubble wrap. I’m just trying to work through the Jon/Dany Boning Reality as best I can, lest I descend into madness, 19th century gothic fiction anti-heroine style.

That’s probably a wise move, because back at Rancho Winterfell, it’s Sansa who explains more clearly to Jon the danger he’s placed them in by resigning his kingship, and asks the key question - did you bend the knee for duty… or love?

Let’s head to King’s Landing, where Qyburn has terrible news for Darth Cersei - the White Walkers have breached The Wall. “Good,” the Queen replies, with one of her trademark smug grins. She’s watching as Euron MacGregor’s Iron Fleet sails back into town, complete with 20,000-odd Golden Company mercenary soldiers, and it’s giving her life.

Cersei sees little threat from an army of the dead: if anything, she considers them more of an ally-from-afar, a convenient way to dispatch her enemies to the North while not risking her own troops.

In the Throne Room, we’re introduced to Golden Company Captain Harry Strickland, a striking-looking blond chap with a throaty Teutonic accent I find highly jarring for a character named “Harry Strickland”. To my mind, “Harry Strickland” should be some sort of Cockney geezer, referring to everyone as “Guv’Nor” and saying things like “Cor blimey, Runner Bean, I felt a bit Moby Dick coming over on the old Nanny Goat” before breaking into a musical number from My Fair Lady.

Someone with the poise, and dare I say it, ethnic features deemed very popular in both Nazi Germany and several James Bond films, should have a name like Reinhold Von Wolfgang Dieter-Meyer Hammerschlag. Not “Harry Strickland”, for Friar Tuck’s sake.

Cersei is Not Impressed by the fact that Harry Me ‘Ol Steiner didn’t make like Hannibal and bring his Battle Elephants from Essos (incidentally my new urban hip hop band name) because they would be too long in quarantine or something.


Harry’s dismissed, but Euron Greyjoy’s keen to sniff out a reward for his work bringing the ships and soldiers to Cersei.

Initially, Cersei’s not taking any of his crap, telling him only that he’s a loyal servant to the Iron Throne and they would marry when the war was over. She even delivers the cold line “You want a whore, buy one. You want a Queen…EARN HER.”

And that, my friends, has inspired…THE FIRST RAVEN ON SONG PARODY OF SEASON EIGHT!

I didn’t know if these song ideas would return to me in 2019, but clearly the muse is hovering about, at least this week. Cersei’s declaration put me immediately in mind of the ultimate Queen of Pop, Madonna, and on the 30th anniversary of its release, I am proud to present:

EXPRESS EUR-SELF

Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
‘Cause I do for political reasons
And they go something like this

Just try out second best baby
Put Euron to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Let him express how he feels
And maybe then you’ll know his word is real

You don't need elephants
But you’re pissed they didn’t show
Golden Co. they came very fast
You were really aghast, oh, oh
Your request didn’t go to plan
There’s no way you’ll get a pachyderm
And you’re already queen on a throne
But this jerk wants you to take his sperm
(So much gross sperm)

Just try out second best, baby
Even if it’s in jest
You know, you know, you’ve got to
Let Euron loose his large eel
And maybe then you know the bitch will heel

Your twin brother has deserted your keep
And there’s nary a peep from your kids
Prophecies left you sad and alone, so
You might as well bone crazy squids
You deserve to keep the crown
But what if people see your belly has grown?
Euron wants you right up the duff
Might as well have him think the babe’s his own
(The seed he’s sown)

Just bounce with second best, baby
Count yourself mighty blessed
You know, you know, you’ve got to
Let him undress his winged keel
And baby, you won’t be the one to kneel

Express Eur-self
You’ve got to make him
Impress himself
Hey hey hey hey
So if you want a new toy, make love to Greyjoy
He may be a snot but he’s more ready than knot

He’s got his niece tied up below deck
But Theon’s proved he’s still her comrade
Now the yoke has gone from around Yara’s neck
He’ll need all your mercies
The sleaze

Just settle second best, baby
Tell him he beats the rest
You know, you know, you’ve got to
Make him forget Jaime’s zeal
And baby just talk up his sex appeal

Express Eur-self
So you can de-stress yourself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you are feeling torn, just bed a nut Ironborn
Finesse what he's got, oh baby ready or not

But onboard ship, Euron MacGregor had been very insistent to his captive, niece Yara Greyjoy, that he was going to, ahem, get to know Cersei better, and starts playing the manipulative, “hey you owe me” crap that shows he’s clearly learned nothing from the #MeToo movement.

Cersei makes to leave, but then she changes her mind. She flips her head back suddenly to Euron, giving him some sort of nod of approval, and he snakes past The Zombie Mountain (oh hi there, you appalling monstrosity), and follows her.

Next time we see them, Euron’s buckling his grotty, fishy pants back up and patting himself on the back for a job well done. Cersei, clad in a soft lavender nightgown which is the first colour we’ve seen her in since she blew up the Sept of Baelor, is already trying to drink away the memory.



Euron wants to know if he’s better than Robert Baratheon (remember him?), and Jaime Lannister. Cersei says he enjoys risking his head - but that she likes his arrogance.

Was that it then? Was that why she let him get his Casterly Rocks off? Surely she finds him revolting? Or is his kind of self-confidence really a turn-on for a Queen who gets off on power? After all, she would often bed Jaime after making life hell for somebody else - maybe she really does have a bitch itch to scratch and she may as well test out Euron’s clammy fingers.

The alternative of course is that she quickly worked out a way of potentially covering up her Jaime Lannister legacy pregnancy with a quick tumble or two with Euron. Given he touched her stomach and said he was going to put a prince in her belly, it’s a live theory - but did Cersei think of it before he did? Is that what prompted her to change her mind?

Meanwhile Bronn’s attempts to drown his sorrows in sex are not going well. His three sexy girls are more interested in gossiping about the latest victims of war than satisfying the dictums of whore.

“Can we stop talking about the f***ing dragons?” he pleads, before Qyburn interrupts from the end of the bed. I assume this was a brothel; the settings looked similar to Littlefinger’s old whorehouse (RIP, but don’t, you creep), but emptier, and more bundled up, like there’s not a lot of disposal income around for ladies of the night. It’s sad when impending continental doom hurts the economy, isn’t it, climate change deniers?

Anyway, there’s clearly no privacy policy in place because Qyburn just appears like a coldsore after using a tester lipstick. There’s no knock, just a “Sir Bronn of the Blackwater?” Ugh, why aren’t these people more pathologically awkward about sex like normal human beings?


What, you don't all have sex like this?

Qyburn has an offer to Bronn, direct from Cersei. She wants him to go after both Jaime and Tyrion, and dispatch them with the crossbow that was made for Joffrey, and later used by Tyrion to kill Tywin.

“That f***ing family,” Bronn says, echoing the sentiments of EVERY VIEWER EVER.

Qyburn waggles his eyebrows as he tells Bronn that if Darth Cersei raised him up to be her Hand, despite being expelled from the Citadel, imagine what she would do for the man who took out her treasonous brothers?

Now as Ned Flanders might say, this is a dilly of a pickle. Could Bronn actually go through with the assassination of the Lannister Bros? He’s a sellsword, through and through - but he’s been close to both of them, put his life on the line to save them. Does that mean anything to him?

I recall, in the deep dark of foggy memory, a famous declaration Tyrion made to Bronn on their first bromantic walk together through The Vale: “If the day ever comes when you’re tempted to sell me out, remember - whatever their price, I’ll beat it.”

I hope Bronn hasn’t forgotten that, and will turn up at Winterfell in time seeking only a bigger wagon full of gold to join the real fight. And don’t think I didn’t notice that Bronn-belly he was sporting as he put his shirt back on. Could Bronn have lost his edge after losing Jaime to the North? Maybe he's just looking for a good excuse to get out of the capital.

Out on the Blackwater, the quiet sleep of Euron’s ship is disturbed by the pffffthhht of arrows, fired at the eyes of Ironborn guarding his prisoner Yara.

Her main guard falls through the door with an axe in his forehead, before Theon Motherf***ing Greyjoy walks in with his baby blond curls all grown back.

He frees Yara, and she does the only thing appropriate for an Ironborn Queen to do - she gives him a Pyke Kiss right in his stupid cowardly noggin and he hits the deck. But then, heartwarmingly, she offers him her hand and pulls him back up. T’was the most beautiful metaphor for their relationship.

Later, we see the pair at sea, heading for the Iron Islands. Yara reasons that with Euron and his fleet in King’s Landing, he cannot hold his home territory - and Queen Daenarys may need somewhere to fall back to should those pesky Death Zombie Nightmare Shufflers overrun her forces.

Theon half-heartedly says he will follow where she leads, but Yara’s picking up what Theon’s putting down. He wants to go to Winterfell to fight the White Walkers alongside Jon Snow, who gave him such sweet absolution at the end of Season Seven. “You can be a Greyjoy and a Stark” - and having rescued his sister, this move would fulfil both. Theon is a fairly certain candidate for fairly certain death, and it makes a poetic point that he die in the service of Winterfell, the castle he grew up in, but then sacked and burned. Despite his physical injuries, he’s got the figurative balls to honour all of his allegiances.


"Let's mark this moment with a trademark warm Greyjoy embrace."

Can we get a big F***ING HUZZAH for the return of Tormund Giantsbane? He and Beric Dondarrion and a few other escapees from Viserion’s attack on Eastwatch-by-the-Sea turn up at The Last Hearth, which is looking more like the “before” shot in a home renovation TV show than a typical stronghold. There’s snow everywhere, the furniture’s been ruined, and unless they can do something quick with plywood and Dulux Wash & Wear Semi-Gloss the damn thing is never going to sell at auction.

The posse hear noises coming from below the great hall, and head down to scope it out. It’s all very tense until the two separate groups jump out at each other like the world’s worst-organised surprise party. The other group is, of course, a group of Night’s Watchmen led by Acting Lord Commander Dolorous Ed.


Beric's flaming sword is the handy medieval fantasy world version of the torch app.

Again, another sight for sore eyes - this show just has a way of making you adore minor characters enough you’d be quite happy to see them have a spin off procedural drama called “Tormund & Tollett: The Cold Hands of Justice”.

Tormund asks if they’ve found anything, and Ed gives them an ominous look and leads them down to a chamber. Skewered on the wall is poor young Ned Umber, the centre of a spiral of leg and arm segments stretched out across the stone.

As our favourite bearded warriors discuss the meaning of this message, we see the Umber boy’s eyes flick open behind Tormund’s head. The eyes, so incredulous at the sight of Jon and Dany just days earlier, are now terrifyingly dead blue. He mouth opens into brain-shattering scream, and he lunges for Giantsbane.

Thankfully Beric Dondarrion has that very handy flaming sword, which he seems to be able to control as easily as the torch app on your smartphone. Very convenient for finding your way; and a hundred times more effective at snuffing out the screaming undead.

Beric stabs the creature, and the flames spread outwards around the limbs, making a bloody, fiery feature wall.


"I don't know much about art, but I know what I like."

The spiral of body parts is a recurring image through the season: from the very first pre-credit sequence of dead Wildling bodies; to the Night’s Watch slaughtered at the Fist of the First Men; to the rocks around the Tree of Knowledge; to the symbols carved into the caves of Dragonstone. Is it a symbol that all the evil of the White Walkers stems back to one central point, aka The Night King? Could it be that it’s a signpost to a way to undo the curse, to reverse the magic of the world? Or are the White Walkers just a little bit f***ing extra?

Whatever the meaning, they have to get to Winterfell to warn everyone the Army of the Dead is on the march. Thankfully Dolorous Ed and the Night’s Watch brigade brought horses with them; but as Tormund says, they’ll have to last if they can beat the Night King & Co there. Gods speed, my glorious ginger bastard. You, Beric and Ed may just be my secret favourite alliance of all.

Let’s head back to Winterfell for the show’s final one-two revelatory punches.

We start with Sam Tarly going from a blushing servant of Ser Jorah “No More Greyscale” Mormont and asking Dany for a pardon for nicking off with some Citadel books and his father’s Valyrian steel sword, to getting quite startlingly upset at the revelation that Randall and his brother Dickon were flambéd for insolence after the Loot Train Battle.

To control his feelings, he steps out for a breath of oh-so-fresh air, to find Bran waiting patiently in the courtyard, apparently for “an old friend”. Bran then hassles Sam to tell Jon about his true parentage, because it’s best coming from his bestie.

I’m a little circumspect about Sam’s anger here about his family; his Dad treated him woefully, and while he loved his brother, he surely would have understood the rules of war. But it works well for what happens next.

Jon is lighting candles for dead Starks in the crypts when Sam stumbles in. I had forgotten that Sam hadn’t been in the initial reunion greeting party; it makes sense now, he was avoiding Jon lest he inadvertently yells “SHE’S YOUR AUNTIE!” in front of everyone.

It’s Sam who really hits home the theme of allegiances here. He probes Jon about his decision to give up the crown, and how he’s had to make decisions about whom to put to death and whom to spare. Jon says he’s no longer king; Sam says he always bloody has been.

And then, the revelation: Your Mum was Lyanna Stark. Your Dad was Rhaegar Targaryen. You are Aegon Targaryen, Sixth of His Name, ALL OF IT. Jon stumbles back, his face more shocked by this news than by anything the Night King has ever thrown at him.


"Actually, I'm not sure I CAN handle the truth."

Jon cannot believe the Right Honourable Ned Stark could have lied to him his whole life; Sam insists it was to protect him.

Then the key question of alliance.

“You’ve given up your crown for her...would she do the same for you?” Sam asks, righteously, about Danaerys.

Jon has no answer. The rest of the planet does though - OH HELL NO.

As much as Jon has clung to his bastard identity, she has clung to her Queenhood. Jon has never wanted crowns; Dany has. She is similar to someone in this regard… who would that be… oh yes. Cersei.


Man, I wish I could take credit for this meme, but this is all Reddit wizardry.

This is going to make for some interesting discussions next week.

Finally, in a beautifully paced piece of comic comeuppance, Jaime Lannister arrives at Winterfell, shaking snow out of his less-and-less blond hair after a long ride north. He’s fulfilling his promise to fight for the living; but had not paid much thought to whether ghosts from his past might show up.

And then there he is, Bran Stark, stoic, calm, and in full precision laser-beam creep mode. Hello, old friend.

Jaime’s face at this moment can now forever replace the phrase “Ohhhh…. Shiiiiit” in the dictionary.


Last time he saw Bran was a split second before he shoved him out of a tower window where he’d caught Jaime and Cersei in flagrante incesto.

I love that Bran has been carrying this secret around for who knows how long since he got his spooky powers. This is his personal reckoning, he doesn’t need anyone else to take it fom him.

Jaime will face trial of course; but weirdly enough I think Bran will emerge as his best hope for salvation. Bran’s accepted his lot; if Jaime HADN’T have pushed him out of that window, he never would have become the Three-Eyed Raven, and have access to the entire world’s browser history. Worth it? We’ll find out.

And look, I’ve got to say I’m weirdly on the “Save Jaime” train. I need to see he and Brienne have a heart to heart. And given Tormund will no doubt return to Winterfell next week, there are some delicious allegiances just waiting to be made or broken.

Yay! Best Moments

Arya’s reunions with Jon, The Hound and Gendry were my favourite parts of this episode. How glorious was she, stalking Jon Snow into the Godswood, sneaking up behind him, having a brief “how did you survive?”-off, then jumping into his arms EXACTLY the way she did the last time she saw him, as they were both about to leave Winterfell in season one?


"And I've... had... the time of my life."

This was an important moment too, for we saw Jon expressing his frustration with Sansa, and how he wished Arya could have helped him with that. Arya tartly replies Sansa is the smartest person she’s ever met - and let’s not forget that girl has a list that includes Tywin Lannister, Jaqen H’ghar and Hot Pie. She reminds him that Sansa is only acting to protect the Stark family - and Jon should remember that’s his family too. It’s her own message to him to take his newfound alliance to Queen Daenarys carefully - that he’s a Stark first.

Arya’s surprising of Gendry and the Hound in the forge was almost as satisfying - when the Hound sauntered up to stare at her, I had this compulsion to yell “HUG! JUST HUG!” at the screen. There was so much tension and for some reason I just wanted these one-time bitter enemies to just hug it out.

But the Hound, true to form, did the next best thing - he called her a cold little bitch. “I suppose that’s why you’re still alive,” he huffed, zipping out of there before she could mock his grudging respect for her.

Gendry, however, was much more obviously happy to see his old friend from the Kingsroad, Harrenhal, and the Brotherhood Without Banners, and Arya threw him a few almost-flirty looks.

She even asked him to create a new weapon for her, which looked something like a cross between a sword, a spear and a bow. Oh, she has plans, my deadly little delight. Please murder many zombastards, and soon.

Zing! Best Lines

Lots of contenders here - given not a huge amount of action/death was taking place, the writers really punched up the comedy moments. But my favourites were:

Dolorous Ed: Careful, he’s got blue eyes!
Tormund Giantsbane: I’ve always had blue eyes!

and...

Qyburn: Poor girl. The pox will take her within the year.
Bronn: (coughing up wine) Which girl?!?!

Eww, Gross

When Euron MacGregor put his hand on Cersei’s stomach and said he’s going to put a prince in her belly, I threw up a little in my mouth.

Boo, sucks

I was reliably informed we would see Ghost return this season, and I did not see Ghost return this episode. I want to see Ghost return this episode. Yes, Dany’s dragons are cool, but isn’t it time Jon gets a moment to introduce her to his amazingly cool fantasy beast? And a lot of dog-owners talk about how their pets sometimes creepily watch them while the humans try to make the beast with two backs. Maybe Ghost could rival Drogon in the intense stare stakes?

Also - how the HELL did Jorah Mormont arrive at Winterfell, where Lyanna Mormont had a vocal role and WE DID NOT GET A MEETING?!?! DENIED!

Thank you all once again for your patience, dear readers!

As many of you know, I was asked to be a guest on the first live episode of Foxtel's Game of Thrones companion show, Thrones 360. I also did my show "Raven On" in Sydney the night before filming, so it was a PACKED few days.

Make sure you follow my Facebook page to get updates, recap notifications and other fun content.

Most of all, I have to thank the dedicated readers who subscribe to my Patreon page. Your support is life-affirming; I owe every last one of you. Here are a just a smattering of names I owe big time:

Amanda G, Andrew T, Brent L, Brittany W, Caroline M, Catherine F, David C, Elana M, Gemma L, Greg R, Hazel F, Jessica WW, Joe R, Judy C, Kyla K, Kylie F, Leanne, Liam B, Mark W, Michael N, Michelle, and MJK. Thank you, marvellous people!

7 Responses to ‘Raven On Recap: GoT S8E1 "Winterfell"’

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted April 17
"Qyburn just appears like a coldsore after using a tester lipstick." Oh man, I laughed so hard at this line, your GoT recapping skills have only sharpened after their long hiatus.

If HBO kills off Tormund before Tormienne becomes a thing they will answer to me. Also I suddenly find myself shipping Arya and Gendry quite intensely. So much to look forward to!

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jl mumbles...

Posted April 17
I have missed these recaps, amazing stuff. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.

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yoranje reckons...

Posted April 17
Welcome back MoK,
I have been looking forward to your recaps almost as much as seeing the show (yes, almost - sorry about that). And well done on your performance on the 360 recap.
A couple of notes:
1. You might be right that Bran will be Jaimie's saviour but I think it will be Sam. "You killed my Father because you had to, well he (Jaimie) did the same with yours. And my Father still had all his marbles!" (maybe not that last bit).
2. The dragons know that Jon is a Targeryan which may be why Drogon is so disapproving of the snogging. They know where to draw the family line. Or maybe Drogon is just getting turned on in which case Raygun (or whatever) better keep his tail to the ground.
3. I think the young Arryn lad will now return as a warrior. The soldiers he went off with weaned him and he will now be a force.
OK not notes as much as predictions ... so ... all kittens, discuss!

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted April 17
Huzzah! welcome back MOK, and it's wonderful to be reading your recaps, watching you on throners360 and I only wish I could see/hear the live broadcast with the silver-tongued Stu at the Powerhouse.

Last week I rewatched season one, someone involved in the show recommended a rewatch because it sets up a lot of stuff for the final season.

You have already alluded to the way the army arrived in town the way it did in season one, but also the return of sexposition where stuff is explained while naked women draped themselves around possible the same brothel than Littlefinger owned.

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NBlob would have you know...

Posted April 18
Is the Onion Knight "a sort of quasi-hand-of-the-king-in-the-north" or a hemi-semi-demi-hand-of-the-King-in-the-north."

Rhino mutters...

Posted April 18
If I were the King, I think that one addition to the staff would be a Hand Job of the King position.

Oh, wait, Robert had those.

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Darth Greybeard is gonna tell you...

Posted April 23
Conan was wrong.
"What is best in life?"
"More Got and more MoK recaps."
(Barbarian mutterings of approval, messy drinking.)

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