Cheeseburger Gothic

I am that fool for love

Posted March 21 by John Birmingham

From Blunty:

I've never jumped into a crocodile-infested river to impress a girl called Sophie, but I did once drunkenly fall on and eat a huntsman spider to impress a girl whose name I've long since forgotten. I think she's a doctor now.

But unlike the rest of you judgmental wallopers, I do not judge half-eaten north Queensland idiot, Lee De Paauw.

9 Responses to ‘I am that fool for love’

HAVOCK21 reckons...

Posted March 21
I see that Blunty has gotten its collective together are FKN MADE GETTING COMMENTS UP WORSE THAN IT BLOODY WELL EVER FKN WAS> SLOW FKRS!...CRACK THE WHIP JB!!!

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DarrenBloomfield puts forth...

Posted March 21
HAVOCK my man, I simply *MUST* follow you on Twitter!

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HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted March 21
Your comment on: Teen who braved the crocs for his crush almost made me choke up my spider

HAVOCK21 Today, 02:24PM
He should be taken out back ans shot. why?

Well for one, I don't want to be paying to fix up his mangled drug addled body which happens to be missing oh so many brain cells

2- I'm sure that the genetic tree could really do without this, lest we have a repeat!

3- If I was her I would be worried as to the mentall agility or severe lack of.

Less
Your comment on: Teen who braved the crocs for his crush almost made me choke up my spider

HAVOCK21 Today, 02:04PM
An aberration in the Darwinian process. What a shame!

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jl puts forth...

Posted March 22
I dunno, I'll admit to some stupidity as a teen for the purposes of impressing the opposite sex.

There used to be an abandoned coal mine in the forest behind my house, it was an open pit that filled with water. It had cliffs on one side, they were anywhere from 30-50 feet high. We swam in it a lot. Well, on a dare in the presence of local girls I dove head first into the pit from a cliff.

I lived.

Years later, they drained the pit before "reclaiming" it. I saw the the bottom was filled with junk equipment and old cars. Would have sucked to have hit one of those with my head.

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Bondiboy66 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 23
Chicks dig scars. Even crocodile induced ones.

Nocturnalist swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 23
Maybe not this one. There's a followup story quoting her as saying "Being attacked by animals doesn't really do it for me."

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WA n'ker swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 23
Hey Birmo, just saw your Blunty piece published as a letter to the editor of the Busselton Mail. I didn't know you were a fan our little west Australian town. Perhaps you call in here to revictual your hovercraft on the way to your secret Indian Ocean lair.

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted March 23
This is a very strange moment in my career.

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted March 23
Karma bitch.
How many trademark Birmo unexpected plot twists have you imposed on us?

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Lets eat grandma

Posted March 20 into Writing by John Birmingham

Commas FTW! And Oxford commas for the bonus point:

“Who gives a fuck about the Oxford Comma?” Vampire Weekend asked on their eponymous first album. The hard-working truck drivers of the Oakhurst Dairy company in the great state of Maine, that’s who. A dispute with their bosses over whether they should be paid overtime came down to the lack of an Oxford comma in the state’s law regulating who gets paid a little bit more for working extra hours.

What is the Oxford comma?

It’s the one that parks itself before ‘and’ in a series of three or more things. If, for instance, you are planning a private party in the Moscow Hilton and you sent a note to the concierge asking him to “invite the hookers, Trump and Putin,” he can rightly blame you when the only guests who show up are a couple of transsexual despot-cosplayers.

You should have invited “the hookers, Trump, and Putin”.

That one little comma makes all the diff...

From today's kinder, gentler ASB.

8 Responses to ‘Lets eat grandma’

Surtac has opinions thus...

Posted March 20
Nice work on making the Oxford comma funny - at least a little bit.

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Dick ducks in to say...

Posted March 20
Would you believe, I actually read that story. Slow day at work.

Eats, roots, and leaves v eats roots and leaves

Which one's a herbivore

Timmo mumbles...

Posted March 23
Like JB's title example, this example illustrates the need for commas but not the Oxford comma specifically, as the three items are not technically in a list. The issue is a comma changing context of "roots" from the subject of a verb to a verb in itself
e.g. A wombat eats roots and leaves.
vs.
A wombat eats, roots and leaves.

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jason ducks in to say...

Posted March 20
This article is so close to my heart. I wrote a series of short stories about Grammar Man, a super-hero who saves the world with correct use of spelling, punctuation and grammar. The irony being that it came back from editing with more red ink than black.

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 20
I don't know how many Oxford commas I've had to ask patent attorneys to insert into claims over the (long ago) years, but if I had a dollar for every one ...

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HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted March 20
Yeah! as you would all be well to well fkn aware, I'm all fkn over Poxford fkn Comma's and FKN GRAMMA! let alone punctuation, spelling and all the other fkn gear. You know. Diction, Period, Colin, coalin, semi coalin and colon-oscopathy too!, whats that other fkn thing. SALUTAION! FKN YEAH BABY! Ill set that shit straight rather fast I might add. Oh you do compound sentences, Yes, yes I do, right after I do compound fractures you mthr fkr!

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Vovchara reckons...

Posted March 21
The best explanation I've ever read.

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DarrenBloomfield asserts...

Posted March 21
I reckon "Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation" by Lynne Truss, is a cracking contribution to the field. I liked the wry dedication: "to the memory of the striking Bolshevik printers of St. Petersburg who, in 1905, demanded to be paid the same rate for punctuation marks as for letters, and thereby directly precipitated the first Russian Revolution"

Then there's this - which I already spammed JB with on The Twitter https://www.businessinsider.com.au/the-comma-in-the-second-amendment-2013-8

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Meet the Defiant

Posted March 15 into Books by John Birmingham

I think I'm going to like this ship:

Like all the interstellar-capable warships of the Royal Armadalen Navy, the Defiant was bigger on the inside than out. Not impossibly so. Its relative internal volume was only three times greater than the external dimensions of the stealth frigate, and a third of that was given over to the hyperspace buffer between the outer hull, a thick protective shell of exotic dark matter, and the discrete pocket universe of the vessel proper; the crew quarters and amenities, the engineering, command and combat decks, and stowage.

Hardy had served on HMAS Daring, an older ship of the same class, during the Javan War, and she was quietly pleased to see the improvements made since then. She had a cabin to herself for starters, an unheard of luxury during the war, even on the navy’s capital ships, the dreadnoughts and titan cruisers that sortied from Armadale System and fought their way into the heart of the Javan Empire.

27 Responses to ‘Meet the Defiant’

Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted March 15
You have whet my appetite further! I do like a Space Opera, me

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Coriolisdave mumbles...

Posted March 15
I totally read that as "HMAS Darling" and got hopes up for blackadder

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted March 15
Yeah, me too. I will have to change it.

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted March 16
It's now HMAS Resolute.

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Dave C has opinions thus...

Posted March 15
Tardis absolutely ridiculous!

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Therbs mumbles...

Posted March 15
"Exotic" dark matter. Sorry, I wouldn't trust that stuff. It sounds foreign.

Sudragon puts forth...

Posted March 15
Is it made locally, or imported from the Han Peoples Republic of Stars?

Barnesm asserts...

Posted March 16
The is some math using Einstein's Field Equations and general relativity that physicist Miguel Alcuberrie has developed propose space time can be warp to compress on one half and expand on the other thus driving a starship. this has been called the Alcubierre drive. These calculations have posited a negative energy density and thus relied on 'exotic' particle to produce this effect.

So its not a bad science concept for Birmo to employ for his star drive.

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Spanner is gonna tell you...

Posted March 15
Shut up and take my money.

(I love the reverences to the the RAN and now the Daring class destroyers. The tour of the Vampire at Darling Harbour is well worth the price of entry.)

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HAVOCK21 puts forth...

Posted March 15
Yeah, but it sounds better than " Fecal Screed" thats for fkn sure!

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Vovchara would have you know...

Posted March 15
What happens to people in pocket-dimension when whatever allowes it suffers battle damage?

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted March 16
Wait and see.

Therbs mumbles...

Posted March 16
Without Warning gives a clue.

Mad Yank Andy mumbles...

Posted April 16
I imagine the pocket universe goes "Slurp!"
Only in vacuum, no one can hear the "Slurp!"

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Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 16
Oh thank God this project is next.

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trib is gonna tell you...

Posted March 16
Been hitting the EVE Online hard, JB?

This sounds interesting.

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted March 16
Inspired by Deep Space Nine's The Defiant

"Development on the Defiant began around 2366 in response to the Borg threat to the Federation. Officially classified as an escort vessel, the Defiant was nothing less than Starfleet's first design of a warship designed to combat the Borg. The vessel featured minimal equipment for scientific research and was not designed to accommodate families. (DS9: "The Search, Part I")

The Defiant did not perform well in its initial trial runs. The vessel was overpowered and over-gunned for a ship of its size – so much so that the Defiant nearly shook itself apart when the engines were tested at full power. Ultimately, these design flaws, combined with the Borg threat becoming less urgent, led Starfleet to the decision to abandon the project and place the prototype in storage. (DS9: "The Search, Part I")


at Memory Alpha
http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/USS_Defiant_(2370)

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted March 16
The is some math using Einstein's Field Equations and general relativity that physicist Miguel Alcuberrie has developed propose space time can be warp to compress on one half and expand on the other thus driving a starship. this has been called the Alcubierre drive. These calculations have posited a negative energy density and thus relied on 'exotic' particle to produce this effect.

So its not a bad science concept for Birmo to employ for his star drive.

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Surtac ducks in to say...

Posted March 17
I'm really really looking forward to this one and so far it's raising none of the red flags I expect from what I've been calling the New New Space Opera books I've been seeing in recent years.

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Blarkon has opinions thus...

Posted March 17
Love me some spaceship art. Perhaps as you begin to virally market this book, you might spin up some sort of Terran Trade Authority style work to whet your adoring audience's appetite for the material.

Blarkon mumbles...

Posted March 17
Or maybe even engage the services of some of those guys that create 3d models of well known spaceships and then critique the design to build some high quality 3d models of the ships from this series and then do some discussion videos on the ships.

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted March 20
and then print them out on your own 3D printer

Blarkon ducks in to say...

Posted March 21
I do have a Rocinante kit on order. Lets face it, who doesn't buy an SF book that has an awesome spaceship on the cover?

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Guru Bob puts forth...

Posted March 21
I much prefer the Armidale system over the Armadale system...

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HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted March 21
I cannot help but think, you should really utilise a naming convention such as M for the ships. You know:

Maudlin
Magnificent
Melancholy
Magazine
Mayhem
Madness
Morose
Macabre
Malignant
Miraculous.

M Class Ships, second only to H class ships I must say.

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Blarkon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 21
How the hell did you, of all people, when coming up with a list of things that start with "M" leave off "Muppet"

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HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted March 21
ROFL---yeah. FKN THOUGHT ABOUT IT I TELLS YA!!!!!!

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Happy Boy Review

Posted March 14 into Food & Drink by John Birmingham

"The best vegetarian dish always comes with ground up pork."

10 Responses to ‘Happy Boy Review’

insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted March 14
Isn't that the Asian thing though? Anything but beef can go in a vego dish.

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John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted March 14
Haha. This was supposed to be a placeholder entry, not to be published until I'd done the full review. Still, that one line sums my thoughts exactly.

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jason would have you know...

Posted March 14
Get back to work Birmingham

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Barnesm ducks in to say...

Posted March 14
I believe vegetarians are a dish best served cold

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Dave W puts forth...

Posted March 15
Vegetarian food fets served with a side of incredulity.

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Lulu asserts...

Posted March 15
Sounds like they were eating mapo tofu.

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Bondiboy66 has opinions thus...

Posted March 15
You don't win friends with salad

Sudragon reckons...

Posted March 15
You don't win wars with salad.

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Peter in the bleachers swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 16
Isn't the answer always bacon?

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stevetheh asserts...

Posted March 16
Had a mate who once served up a dish of Tofu made from the lard bits at the bottom of his BBQ pan (pork roast on spit done the night before).
Was done as a joke for us meat people...problem was it looked damn close to the real thing, guy was a frackin artist with this stuff.
Enter one Vego who was a bit peckish...
Literally before anyone could do/say anything grabbed a slice and gobbed in.
That look of complete and utter horror will stay with me forever.
Thank Glod (TP) the garden was only one doorway away...

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That beer jihad yesterday

Posted March 14 by John Birmingham

I didn't really understand why everyone lost their shit over the debate but not the product placement. From Blunty:

Well, that was weird. Having feasted on the lulz last week while compulsively hitting replay on that Department of Finance recruitment video, you'd think that as a nation we'd had our fill of bizarro YouTube moments.

But nope.

A tie-up between Coopers Brewery and the Bible Society of Australia has prompted this spoof. From The Feed on SBS Viceland, 7.30 weeknights.

Because here comes the Bible Society and a beer company, and two white blokes in blue suits talking about marriage equality. And hot on their heels, the savage backlash to the Bible Society and a beer company and two white blokes in blue suits talking about marriage equality.

Maybe it was just my Twitter yesterday. Maybe this didn't break out anywhere else, but it did break out all over my timeline, with angry barmen throwing stubbies of Coopers into a rubbish bin, and angry beer drinkers posting carefully composed pictures of more Coopers going down the kitchen sink, and lots and lots of angry tweetenvolk letting Coopers have it for that thing they did with the two white blokes and the Bible Society and the beer.

Continues.

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Mission Impossible: Spycat

Posted March 13 by John Birmingham

My thanks to Karletta for giving me this idea yesterday. Hard to believe this program actually existed, let alone cost the equivalent of US $142M.

I also included a couple of extra links in today's ASB. As I'm noodling around the net, looking for stuff to write about, I come across some pretty funny stuff. I thought it'd add a bit of value to serve up a couple of those links too.

Today's included this great Ben Thompson analysis of the BBC expert interupted by his daughter mid interview.

The Boob, however, is all about cats. Spycats.


These are not happy times for the CIA. Outplayed by a former Soviet intelligence agent in Vladimir Putin. Answering to a current Russian intelligence asset in Donald Trump. Force-fed roflberry pwncakes by a sub-Bond villain rapist albino and his enabler-minions at Wikileaks.
Where’s the respect?
Where’s the love?
Where’s the hundred and forty million dollar research projects on weaponised kitty cats?
Before anybody can Make America Great Again, America’s institutions will have to be remade if they are to recapture their former glory. And there is no glory so former as the Central Intelligence Agency’s ‘Acoustic Kitty’ program.
Launched in secret—possibly due to fear of intense mockery—by the CIA’s Directorate of Science and Technology in the 1960s, the project intended to release an army of stealth cats on Soviet embassies, and even the Kremlin itself. It cost more than $20M - over $140M in current terms. Agency surgeons implanted microphones and radio transmitters into selected pussies, possibly not the first time such a procedure had been tried, but certainly the first time it was tried with actual cats...

3 Responses to ‘Mission Impossible: Spycat’

she_jedi puts forth...

Posted March 13
Spycats was fantastic! Clearly the CIA, in the YEARS this program ran, did not consult any actual cat owners during their research.


And that Ben Thompson breakdown of the BBC video was simply glorious. Thank you for sharing.

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted March 13
Yeah, I really like the idea of adding value with other people's hard work.

she_jedi would have you know...

Posted March 13
I think the government would call that an efficiency dividend :P

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