Cheeseburger Gothic

So close

Posted June 28 into Writing by John Birmingham

I am so fucking close to finishing the first draft of THE GOLDEN MINUTE that it's taking all my focus to stay on the mission. This close, with the end in sight, the devil on your shoulder is screaming, "Take a break, it won't hurt. Just a little break. A drinky poo, perhaps. And a movie. Maybe some XBox. What does it matter, JB? You're close. This close. Go on. Give yourself a break."

This was my break.

And now I go back to the grindstone.

6 Responses to ‘So close’

Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted June 28
One part of me would like to crack the whip! Sensible me says 'take your time, pace yourself, do your best!'. Just don't go all George R.R. Martin on us, ok?

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Rob is gonna tell you...

Posted June 28
Looking forward to it. My wife keeps saying things like, maybe you should put down the Gulag Archipelago and read something cheery like the Dave? Golden Compass will do. One thing about the Golden Compass that I like is that it reminds me of Alan Moore's time twister stories in the 2000ad comic. The twists on alternate earths and trying to reconcile it with reality. Plus it could be the New Buffy, 'you hear that Netflix, I said the new Buffy'

Rob mutters...

Posted June 28
Minute not compass. But then the golden compass is a film too.

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Leftarc would have you know...

Posted June 29
Type Monkey boy, Type!


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jason is gonna tell you...

Posted June 29
Get typing JB. Struggling to find something to hold my attention at the moment and I need content. Clearly my need to read trumps your need for mental health, sleep, happiness, family etc. etc.

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Therbs mumbles...

Posted July 2
As a lazy man I recommend you take those breaks. As a reader I say get back to fkn work.

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Robbing the Dead

Posted April 20 into Writing by John Birmingham

Every now and then I let one out from behind the pay wall. Felt like todays bit on the banking royal commission needed to run free. As a companion piece, Michael Pascoe (recently let go by Fairfax and immediately snapped up by The New Daily) has a really good column on the exclusive club which runs corporate Australia.

But I do swear more:

Sheesh. It used to be that the only two certainties in life were death and taxes, and the former freed you from the burden of latter. But it turns out that even in death there’s no escape, at least not from the big banks or AMP, because those greedy motherfucking crooks will crawl into the grave with you for one last chance to go through your pockets. It’s no surprise that racketeers and bottom feeders are attracted to the money business, but after this week’s raging karmageddon at the banking Royal Commission colour me faintly dumbstruck that there seem to be so many fuckin’ corpse robbers trousering performance bonuses for shaking down the dead.

I’m a little less surprised that the government is claiming credit for an inquiry they tried to strangle in the crib. They have no choice. It wasn’t just the ALP and Greens demanding for years that the banks be dragged into the town square and given a solid kicking. Apostate backbench Nats like George Christensen and Barry O’Sullivan were even more vocal. But former banker turned impotent chuffnut Malcolm Turnbull and his grinning scab collector Scott Morrison, did not just resist but actively and aggressively trashed the idea of an inquiry for years.

Morrison ignored the demands from his own right flank, preferring to shitcan Bill Shorten as a Leninist bomb thrower imperilling the economy with his political opportunism and callous disregard for the feelings of everyone who was ever paid millions of dollars a year for running a bank.

Again, not surprising, because the Liberal Party is nothing if not a hand-tooled Louis Vuitton clutch of apologists and pimp daddies for corporate malfeasance. But it has been fun watching them trying to recast their long history of cock-blocking any threat to the banks as somehow leading the peasant revolt which now threatens to turn Martin Place into a mass grave. It’s like they’re standing in front of the whole country, wearing only novelty plastic Viking helmets, and power wanking while singing ‘The Ride Of The Valkyries’… but they’re telling us it’s the best version of Wagner’s Ring Cycle you’ll ever see outside of the legendary 1937 performance at Berlin’s Haus Vaterland featuring the massed Choir of the Waffen-SS with a rare cameo by Hermann Goerring as Wotan.

Good luck with that, lads.

In just one week of what is currently scheduled as a year long investigation, we learned that AMP lied to ASIC the corporate regulator more than twenty times about charging customers for services they never received. The company then ratfucked an independent report into their ratfucking of ASIC. The Commonwealth Bank made millions from the same scam, but found a way to squeeze even more money out of their victims, by charging the accounts of dead customers, in some cases for years. And Westpac’s money managers are industry leaders at managing to turn your life savings into a small, charred pile of ashes and tears.

One week.

AMP’s chief executive, Craig Meller, announced he was stepping down this morning. He was paid $8.3M last year, which is probably less than AMP stole from their customers, so in one sense he was a bargain. The Board will be sorry to see him go, but a generous multi-million dollar severance package will almost certainly ease the pain of parting.

2 Responses to ‘Robbing the Dead’

FormerlyKnownAsSimon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 20
I (cough) used to work in this (cough) sector. I was hired to help them clean up their act. It would scare the pants off of you how loose rules were around things like investments and super were. And this was for three companies in a row. I gave it up and now live in the country working on a vege patch. I've read these apocalypse books! :)

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Dave W is gonna tell you...

Posted April 24
In one of my previous lives I interacted tangentially with a different regulator. Industry pays money to fund the regulator, usually based on a bunch of sliding scales of risk and number of interactions with the regulator.

The major banks thought this was a bit unnecessary and convoluted. So like a bunch of good chaps who knew that good chaps such as themselves could be relied upon to know what's best, they told the regulator that they'd just much prefer to divide the bill by 4 and be done with it. Like splitting the bill down at the local indian, they didn't want to have to worry about who had the starters, and that the other chap drank all the wine. What's a lazy few mill each to avoid such unpleasantness?

The regulator did what they were told and split the bill 4 ways.

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JB's day off the tweets

Posted February 28 into Writing by John Birmingham

I had a day off Twitter today. I have days and even whole weeks away from Facebook without thinking about it. I even quit the thing for a couple of years until the need to advertise my own ebooks drove me back there.
But Twitter I've always stayed with and mostly loved, even when I hated it, and there's been so much to hate the last few years.
However, I've been trying to re-engineer my work day (I know, I know, it's like painting the Harbour Bridge) and having had some success with increasing focus by removing the social apps from my phone, I thought I might get a little more hard core about cutting myself off.
I've been reading a book by a guy called Cal Newport, a computer science professor. Mostly he codes, teaches and thinks about coding and teaching, but he's also done some interesting work on... er, work.
His latest title, Deep Work, explores the difficulties of doing deep, focussed, super intense knowledge work in a world full of shiny distractions.

I'm still reading the later chapters, and I'll write something more specific when I'm done, but long story short, this guy really fucking speaks to me.
And one of the things he's been telling me is to get off the Twitterz. It's not the genial little private club it once was. It's largely useless as an advertising platform. And then theres the Nazis... both left and right. Ugh.
So I started to look at my Twitter habit, which used to be worse but is still pretty bad. It wasn't the main thing getting in the way of all the writing I have to do this year. But it was a juicy, low hanging piece of fruit on the ol' productivity tree.
So today, I just, didn't log on.
I did post one tweet early in the evening, via Buffer. But otherwise I stayed away.
There were times I felt myself reaching for my phone like a robot zombie with fear of missing out, but not while I was working. And I resisted the urge anyway.
Gotta say, I feel a lot less head fucked at the end of the day. And I even felt like writing a post for the Burger!

The link below goes to the paperback, but the Kindle version is massively cheaper, if you're so inclined.

8 Responses to ‘JB's day off the tweets’

Surtac mumbles...

Posted March 1
I did wonder what you were up to. I assumed in the end it was deadline pressure of some sort.

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Bondiboy66 would have you know...

Posted March 1
Never done Twunter myself. Wifey is a fan, particularly with her addiction to Cycling (the lycra wearing kind). When the big grand tours are on, esp the Tour de France, she has an extended array of folks with whom she communicates. So I suppose for something focussed like that its still good....rest of the time I dunno.

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Murphy_of_Missouri would have you know...

Posted March 1
Twitter is where I go to indulge in a very little bit of guilt free trolling.

Otherwise, it is an open sewer of useless crap.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon has opinions thus...

Posted March 1
I tried this as well . . . but then i created an instagram account . . man, that is a shallow oily pool of reflective shit. One guy followed me who had some pretty pictures but clipped himself climbing on the holocaust memorial complete with the "we must remember history" sentence. I pointed out to him the insincerity of his profile picture and post and he unfollowed (hahahahaha). I used to like twitter for the science twitter group but even that has lost its shine. When everyone you follow has had their likes turned into retweets its bloody tedious.

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Halwes mumbles...

Posted March 3
G'day John, I've never been on Facebook or twitter. I'm more interested in working on mechanical things and I really value my privacy. I really don't think that I've missed much. I have noticed friends that were really connected into all the social media stuff are starting to use it a lot less frequently. Some were totally immersed for years and some still are. As trends go though it has certainly outlasted most that I've seen. My sister rang me up and told me that a girl, that I pursued non stop at high school without any success at all, was looking for me on facebook. I told her to tell her that I was an alcoholic who lived in the bush with blackfellas. Funny. I never heard from her again.

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NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 3
My blood pressure dropped by several mm/Hg when I de-twittered. Iam still shockingly unproductive and easily distrac hey a shiny pretty

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Rob asserts...

Posted March 4
Twitter is so polarised. Its like the binary opposition storm took hold of twitter and wouldn't let go. Watching the Americans lurch from hard right to a weirdly Marxist left is very strange. Then the ultra rich Americans trying to appear as social justice warriors when they have more in common with Trump than without him is odd too. I do like the comic book artists and writers on there, that's pretty cool. Instagram is probably my favourite at the moment, so much art, some of the kid's on there and their work is amazing. 16 year olds who wipe the floor with apparently mature artists. And they use Instagram as a compare and contrast tool, pushing themselves forward to create more and better work. Really good stuff.

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tqft would have you know...

Posted March 4
I wouldn't make it to the end of the day without some twitter.

I need a short distraction that keeps me active between things at work. Let's me reset my head between radically different tasks.


Also gets me out of my little bubble, Which I need very much, to help stop me screwing up.

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Finished plotting: The Golden Minute

Posted January 31 into Writing by John Birmingham

After lying fallow for most of last year, I've got plans to do at least five books this year. Yep. Five. One is already drafted up - The Cruel Stars. And now another one has been plotted out. At least in draft form.

The last four or five days I've been stalking around my office, muttering at the dogs. This is my preferred method for blocking out a story. I talk myself through it before I write the first word.

It's surprisingly hard to do, even if you're using a template like Blake Snyder's fifteen story beats from his screenwriting How-to, Save the Cat. (Thanks to Girl Clumsy for putting me onto this. It's been a bit of a golden goose.)

The hardest part isn't filling out the beats (Opening image, catalyst, protagonists debate, and so on). It's later when you get most of the way through and you're tempted to just throw the plan aside and get writing. After all, it's sixty, maybe even seventy percent done! What could go wrong? You'll work it out on the page later. The characters know what they're doing.

Yeah, nah. Keep hacking away, JB.

So I kept hacking away, and today I finally filled out the last card.

Tomorrow I can start writing.

Friday, I start plotting WW 3.1.

And I already have the plots beaten out for two other books.

15 Responses to ‘Finished plotting: The Golden Minute’

HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted January 31
YEAH BABY. FKN GUNNA GET SOME! " AWAY BORDERS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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jason would have you know...

Posted February 1
I am off on holiday next week with no Birmingham representation in my reading folder. Disappointing but... Five books, looks like next summer is sorted.

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insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted February 1
Have you ever seen The Rewrite with Hugh Grant? Without having to watch the whole thing, check it out on Youtube at about 50.30 for a minute and hear him talk about a story line one of his students has written. Spooky.

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Surtac puts forth...

Posted February 1
"The first draft is just you telling yourself the story."
- Terry Pratchett

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Bondiboy66 asserts...

Posted February 2
Dunno which one to most look forward to? And that is some tortured English....

Murphy_of_Missouri would have you know...

Posted February 5
Easy. Three point one.

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she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 6
YAAAAS!!! This is great news :)

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Therbs swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 7
Beer 'n books is a real thing. The excitement of starting a new book is joyfully enhanced by a freshly poured beer.
Here is a suggested beerage guide to JB's books.
Felafel - Coopers Sparkling Ale
AOT - Budvar Pilsener
Disappearance - Pirate Life Pale Ale
Dave v Monsters - Little Creatures Pale Ale
Girl In Time - Feral Hop Hog
Cruel Stars - Stone and Wood Cloud Catcher

Dave W mumbles...

Posted February 8
I am intrigued. Very intrigued.

I would have thought, though, to best understand the sleazy grime of Felafel one would have to drink cans from a 30-block of XXXX?

Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted February 8
That was my first thought but after readapting the stage play version of Felafel for more recent times Bedes had Coopers Sparkling as a rider when he attended performances. So its a nod to Felafelling in this decade.

jl asserts...

Posted February 8
Enjoyed Felafel. Over here, I would re-read it with a choice beer called Natural Light. Almost cheaper than bottled water at Wal-Mart.

Therbs reckons...

Posted February 8
And that would fit right in with the Felafel style

jl asserts...

Posted February 8
Oh yeah. Stained bean-bag chairs, piles of empties, pissing in refrigerators, and seeking the dead junkie's money stash. Time to pop open a cold Nattie Light.

Rob reckons...

Posted February 9
ah cheap beer and a sympathetic ear.

Although with a Dave book I think some slab of non- descript Aussie beer would be in order, xxxx, VB or Cascade Lager. Mainly for the snark, Dave would drink non craft beer just to be bloody minded and sniff at those annoying hipsters with their slick beer. But then drink a Kaiju IPA while no ones looking. Dave's like that, a smug asshole.

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NBlob mutters...

Posted February 10
For your consideration https://www.vox.com/world/2018/2/7/16974772/north-korea-war-trump-kim-nuclear-weapon. Via next draft

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Plans for the year

Posted January 17 into Writing by John Birmingham

Five books, basically.

After a shocker last year I just want to get my head down and write some novels. The long awaited Girl in Time sequel. The even longer awaited WW 3.1. Another space opera. My end of the world thingies. And a couple of conventional thrillers.

It would be a nice retreat from the world.

I suspect nice retreats from the world are going to be in high demand for the next few years.

I've written intro chapters and plot outlines for the two thrillers. I'm thinking about selling them locally, but retaining the overseas rights for myself. One thing I've recently learned, publishers are not keen to split print from ebook rights. They're starting to demand audio rights too, for no extra payment. But they're still locked into the old territorial model. So selling a title here, wouldn't preclude self publishing it overseas.

It'd be a bit of a dog's breakfast though. With retail prices of 14.99 in A/NZ and 4.99 globally.

So I dunno. I'll have to think on that some more.

2 Responses to ‘Plans for the year’

jason would have you know...

Posted January 18
I reckon there is a sequel to "How to be a writer" in there somewhere called "How to deal with publishers - without resorting to violence"

jl is gonna tell you...

Posted January 18
Just thinking about the process and its mechanics makes me want to smash my head onto my desk until I see stars and taste blood.

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The knife

Posted December 8 into Writing by John Birmingham

I'm in the final trenches of the space opera I've been writing. (Although the characters seem to spend more time fighting in trenches than space).
As most of you know, I've been a plotter since Weapons of Choice, which taught me a few hard lessons about not working with a plot outline. For THE CRUEL STARS I have a comprehensive scene-by-scene blueprint in Scrivener. I do let the characters walk their own path if they insist, but we always come back to the main narrative arc.
I can see from the outline and the words I currently have in the manuscript bank that this book would run about 30-40% over its contracted word length (90K) if I let it.
I'd like to, but can't. The audiobook people, for one, would freak.
So this morning is all about taking a knife to that outline.

13 Responses to ‘The knife’

jl has opinions thus...

Posted December 8
Sometimes you just have to prune. Audiobook? Awesome. I'm a die-hard reader but nothing beats a good audiobook on a long car ride. Looking forward to Cruel Stars in my Chevy.

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insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted December 8
That's an awful lot of pruning. It will be interesting to see the results.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 8
The pruning is to the outline, not the finished chapters. Hopefully it won't be noticed.

insomniac asserts...

Posted December 8
Understood, but it feels like you're trimming the bit of the tree your wife can see from the living room window while leaving the rest as is, like when I used to mop the stairs and she thought I'd cleaned the whole house.

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Bondiboy66 is gonna tell you...

Posted December 8
I imagine this could be challenging....you don't want to be chopping out good bits or essential elements for the sake of shrinking the document - I could imagine agonizing over the 'do I or don't I' questions.

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Oldy ducks in to say...

Posted December 8
Any chance of seeing the outline one of these days, JB?

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted December 8
Not before it's published mate. But afterwards, sure.

Oldy mumbles...

Posted December 8
Nice :)

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Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted December 8
Compress and consolidate. You've done it before.

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Brother PorkChop mutters...

Posted December 15
On a different subject, can I say how much I enjoyed your piece in the Murder and Mayhem compilation!! It was seriously up to the brief and left me wanting more. I cannot say the same for maybe 1/2 the others - left me bored and distracted, a couple were like your effort - Eva Destruction and Chlamydia Phlegm? Hilarious! Loved a couple, liked a couple, couldn't read a couple but overall worth it.

Surtac ducks in to say...

Posted December 15
I must agree. It was a very pleasant surprise to see Savage Henry brought into the modern era and given a more prominent setting.

So, are we going to see the return of Commander Biscuit at some point in the future and hear some of those Duterte stories, I wonder?

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Vovchara mutters...

Posted December 16
Fighting more on the surface than space is a common occurrence in space Opera. I think only Weber and Campbell manage to stick to space. Which makes sense. Hard to fight against enemy controlling orbitals. But in the end it's all in execution and since I wasn't disappointed even once by your work I would reserve judgment until I get my copy. :P

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damian ducks in to say...

Posted December 22
Merry Christmas Birmo and take care.

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