Cheeseburger Gothic

Cricket Australia's billion dollar score

Posted April 17 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Sharp-eyed punters will see a subtle difference between my original opening par for today's Blunty (below) and the published version after the link.

The draughty feeling between your legs? That’s a lack of pants down there, my friend. And the soft kiss of a gentle breeze wafting over your pink bits is a natural consequence of the sweet nothings being whispered into your arse by the executives at Seven and Foxtel, and their enablers in the Federal government who just let Cricket Australia drop the nation’s summer sport behind a pay wall.

Seven and Foxtel’s joint billion dollar deal for the broadcast rights to Test and limited overs cricket, is about as clear a breach of the anti-siphoning legislation as you could hope for… if you had a lazy billion dollars lying around and you wanted to spend the next six years gouging millions of punters for all they were worth.

1 Responses to ‘Cricket Australia's billion dollar score’

spankee asserts...

Posted April 18
Struggling to find any major differences. Is it the font? Did you use Sans Pants?

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A slobber of mots

Posted March 13 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Brisbane has been struggling through a crime wave. Even better it's a foreign crime wave. Even betterer again, the foreigners are Irish and they've mostly been scamming food and drink, and stuffing too many potatoes in the toilet.

I decided this was definitely a topic for The Instrument. Unfortunately the sensivity protocols at Fairfax didnt allow me to go competely to town. I had to change the phrase a 'slobber of skankapotamusses' to a 'slobber of mots', which is more cullturally appropropriate, and actually scans a lot smoother.

For too long now, or since January anyway, bar and cafe owners have lived in constant fear of brassy Irish scrubbers rolling into their establishments at all hours of the afternoon and demanding free drinks and sandwiches to make up for all the drinks and sandwiches they ate yesterday that were full of broken glass to hear them tell of it.

This same slobber of mots have routinely stuffed dozens of tubes of Pringles into the oversized nappy bags on their robbery prams while honest Brisbane shopkeepers have been distracted by the shenanigans of their tiny feckin snot-nosed barrow-wights.

The rest is at Blunty.

6 Responses to ‘A slobber of mots’

jl would have you know...

Posted March 13
This gave me a great chance to polish up on past Blunties. Thanks, JB!

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Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted March 13
Irish griftopuss pikey types skiving off Queenslanders and trying to turn toilets into potato factories?
A disturbing story no Australian can afford to miss.

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Nocturnalist mutters...

Posted March 13
Anyone else have a certain Jane's Addiction song start up in their head when they read that second para?

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Bondiboy66 is gonna tell you...

Posted March 13
"Barrow wights' as children - very accurate!

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Leftarc has opinions thus...

Posted March 13
Surprised its a crime wave in the first place.
Imagine if it was a group of Sudanese youth as opposed to white women with ankle biters as accessories and accomplices.

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Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted March 16
Ned Kelly clearly took offense at your finely wrought article JB. I am so going to town with my mate Sinead with this. A brief story about Sinead Margerite Neville. Blonde, Irish and lots of fun. Married an Aussie and decided to become a citizen. At the ceremony in North Lakes/Caboolture, they read her name out as (phonetically) Sinnyad Magreetie Nevillay - the reason was that pretty much the rest of the new citizens were of Indian and Sri Lankan descent and thought she was as well.

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Put out your gonads for Mr John Clarke

Posted April 11, 2017 into Blunty by John Birmingham

I was very sad to hear John Clarke passed away. A great loss to the nation. An even bigger loss to farnarkling. A tribute at Blunty:

Farnarkling lost a champion yesterday, with the passing of Mr John Clarke. The veteran broadcaster was not just the voice of the national sport, but a much-loved ambassador to the powerhouses of the perfect game as far away as Bad Odursburg and Middlefart.

Play at the 'G in Launceston, where Australia and Uzbekistan contended fiercely for a quarter-final slot in the Far Eastern Cup, was interrupted for the traditional 49 seconds of mumbled Celtic mourning chants in the original Old Icelandic.

9 Responses to ‘Put out your gonads for Mr John Clarke’

WarDog puts forth...

Posted April 11, 2017
Clarke's passing makes me sadder than I can express.
I will sorely miss him. His interview was the highlight of my week.

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insomniac asserts...

Posted April 11, 2017
Yes, very sad. My formative years watching John Clarke were in his Fred Dagg phase. Later it was his work with Bryan Dawe. Always enjoyable. I had a quiet mumble of the Gumboot Song this morning in tribute.

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Lulu puts forth...

Posted April 11, 2017
What WarDog said.

And also, isn't it nice to find out that someone whose work I admired was an all-round really nice guy as well, going by the comments of those who knew him.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 11, 2017
I'd go as far to say the man was a giant - his talent removed leaves a hole that will be very hard to fill. Although i may have to quit working where i do - i heard the news and blurted it out to my coworkers and not one of the philistines knew his name.

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Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted April 11, 2017
Very sad news. I too recall Fred Dagg when I was young, and his work with Brian Dawe has been a joy to watch. Who can forget his turn as the voice of Wal Footrot? He'll be sorely missed.

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pi mutters...

Posted April 11, 2017
A sad day.

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Barnesm mumbles...

Posted April 11, 2017
My favourite piece of his was 'the great Australian novel'

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Dave W would have you know...

Posted April 12, 2017
Yes. All of the above. Although, is it wrong to ask that when it's time for me, I go as perfectly as Mt Abrupt?

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Surtac mutters...

Posted April 12, 2017
Yep, all of the above squared.

That was a lovely tribute, John. Probably too subtle for most of the BT demographic, sadly.

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No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?

Posted March 28, 2017 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Just because I mocked the hardy frontier image of hardy frontier Queensland in Blunty:

There's nothing tough about refusing to evacuate in the face of a cyclone.

If you survive the winds and roaring storm surge you were just lucky, not resilient.

Cyclone's path: 'please leave'

North Queensland residents in the direct line of Cyclone Debbie should "take this seriously" as emergency crews prepare for "significant damage". Nine News

If the eye turns away and looks for somewhere else to destroy, same deal.

But if you live on the coast and you simply wait for the blast front and the tsunami because some pissweak little storm isn't going to scare you away, you're living in denial at best.

At worst, you're a selfish idiot who will endanger the lives of everyone who has to come to your aid.

I'm sure Lord Bob has all the feelz about this issue.

5 Responses to ‘No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?’

WarDog asserts...

Posted March 28, 2017
But it's a fake storm!
And besides Australia doesn't exist anyway.
You're just a figment of my imagination.

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insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted March 28, 2017
There will be some moron out there looking for a monster wave.

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pitpat mutters...

Posted March 28, 2017
A master class in the dark art

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Lulu mumbles...

Posted March 29, 2017
There are the people who refuse to evacuate, and then there are the ones who decide it would be an excellent time to ... kitesurf.

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AKM. mumbles...

Posted April 3, 2017
Same thing just up the hill in Lismore. Last big flood to put the CBD under 9 foot of water was in 1974- they built a levee in the 90's, which saved us from several knee-to-waist deep floods, (Last time June last year) but this time went over and filled the city like a blocked dunny from a bucket flush. River hit 11.65 m, major flooding.
So many folks forgot the lessons, ignored the SES, council and BOM warning, good mates amongst them.
Complacency bit them on the arse, big time......

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2017

Posted January 3, 2017 into Blunty by John Birmingham

First Blunty.

So far 2017 is off to a cracking start. It hasn't killed any meme-worthy celebrities. Donald Trump isn't president. And I'm not even scrambling through a post apocalyptic wasteland fighting for rat meat and potable water. So, yeah. Good times. This is a great year so far.

I was going to do piece on this Centrelink datamatching fiasco, but the more I looked into it, the more I needed to look into it. So I might do that in a week or two.

Today's column was a simple and silly return to the keyboard while I sort out my shit for the year. There is a lot of shit to sort.

4 Responses to ‘2017’

Quokka mutters...

Posted January 3, 2017
Happy new year JB, & the rest of you lot.

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ShaneAlpha swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted January 3, 2017
Another book project there for you JB.

JB's Rat Du Jur, 25 fabulous recipes for cooking in a post-apocalyptic Trumpenesque wasteland.

Surtac has opinions thus...

Posted January 3, 2017
As long as it includes the delicacy Rat-onna-stick.

Happy New Year to all!

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Don Bagert is gonna tell you...

Posted January 3, 2017
JB, I wonder if you've noticed that Trump is scheduled to still be President (although a possibly lame-duck one) on January 15, 2021 - the AoT date of the Transition.

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I smashed this avo toast think piece. Smashed it good

Posted October 18, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

It was this, or West Papua. I went with the option all the playground was talking about. Even Murph, although he's mostly talking about what an abomination avocado toast really is.

Too late, Murph. The invasion of your food culture has begun.

There is no such thing as twenty-two dollar avocado toast. But maybe there should be. Ridonculous demographer Humbert Blowave may simply have been meeting his clickbait KPIs when he set the dumpster on fire over the weekend, claiming that kids these days should be driving trucks for their country and negatively gearing their second McMansion instead of galavanting about the boulevards combing truffled avo toast from their hipster beards – but his was the hot take we desperately needed.

At Blunty.

16 Responses to ‘I smashed this avo toast think piece. Smashed it good’

insomniac would have you know...

Posted October 18, 2016
It needs an identifying name if it wants to take the mantle from spag bol, otherwise no chance. Smavoto? Smav?

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Murphy_of_Missouri is gonna tell you...

Posted October 18, 2016
Avocado is a blight upon the eye, and a plague upon the palate. The green, slime like texture is cold on the tongue, which at least has the benefit of not feeling like someone has dropped a turd directly into one's mouth. It looks like vomit on bread, and I would call it shit on a shingle if that title had not already been claimed by a far more worthy dish.


As with the tulip bubble, I predict the avocado con ruined toast bubble will pop long before the blight of it ruins the food scene here in the Giant Gerbil Cage of the Midwestern Wastes.

jl mumbles...

Posted October 18, 2016
I dunno, maybe avocado toast with Ranch dressing would be okay.

Murphy_of_Missouri reckons...

Posted October 19, 2016
The best way to eat ranch is to throw it in the trash and get something else instead.

jl would have you know...

Posted October 19, 2016
Sacrilege! Ranch goes with everything!

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted October 20, 2016
No. Pretty sure it goes with nothing.

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JBtoo swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 18, 2016
Yay Blunty's back!
Although, I'm with Murph - avocado is an abomination, especially when smashed. Haloumi though is another matter entirely.

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ronS is gonna tell you...

Posted October 18, 2016
Sydneysiders are being taken for a ride. In Newcastle I had two eggs, smoked salmon and smashed avocado on Turkish for $8.50 a month ago. It was a breakfast special but you don't need to be ripped off.

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Rhino would have you know...

Posted October 19, 2016
Why is this even a thing?

The only thing that belongs on toast are fried eggs, over medium, and bacon.

Is there estrogen in the water down there or something?

Murphy_of_Missouri is gonna tell you...

Posted October 19, 2016
Rhino, you've got it wrong. There is water in their estrogen, just a little bit of it.

damian asserts...

Posted October 19, 2016
Fried eggs over easy, while fine things in their own right, are an unsuitable texture for toast and a poor medium for the requisite fresh-ground pepper. Poached in apple cider vinegar with tarragon, or soft-boiled and sliced is the ticket (at least as a stop-gap when avocados are out of season). The toast should be a hard but airy ciabatta. The egg (or avocado) can be topped with a fresh salsa of 2:1 chopped tomato and onion, thinned with a little balsamic vinegar. Basil, mint or coriander (that's cilantro for the philistines) could be used as a garnish or chopped in salsa or avocado. Crispy bacon could be included, but if you're going to do that there's not much point in not also doing fried tomatoes, sausages, steak, potatoes fried in mushroom and garlic, barbecued field mushrooms and of course then you need a plate full of thick-sliced toasted white bread, muesli with fruit and custard, a pot of coffee and a pitcher of orange juice. Some would include baked beans too - but there's just no accounting for some people. Vegemite toast to finish off and you're set up for the day just nicely. Most people should be able to last almost till lunchtime.

Murphy_of_Missouri is gonna tell you...

Posted October 20, 2016
Fuck me, I thought I was food snob. Where is Boylan when you need him?

insomniac puts forth...

Posted October 20, 2016
The real question is what the perfect vegemite toast is. While I prefer a lighter toast than ms insomniac, it always needs to be warm when buttering, and it has to be butter, before spreading a thick slather of vegemite, not right to the edge because you need somewhere to get a handhold of this delicious breakfast of champions.

Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted October 20, 2016
Vegemite comes from the ass end of dead dropbears, right?

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted October 20, 2016
Well yes, but only after mixing it with vaseline

damian mutters...

Posted October 20, 2016
"Sorry mate, you're not getting lube"

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