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Put out your gonads for Mr John Clarke

Posted April 11 into Blunty by John Birmingham

I was very sad to hear John Clarke passed away. A great loss to the nation. An even bigger loss to farnarkling. A tribute at Blunty:

Farnarkling lost a champion yesterday, with the passing of Mr John Clarke. The veteran broadcaster was not just the voice of the national sport, but a much-loved ambassador to the powerhouses of the perfect game as far away as Bad Odursburg and Middlefart.

Play at the 'G in Launceston, where Australia and Uzbekistan contended fiercely for a quarter-final slot in the Far Eastern Cup, was interrupted for the traditional 49 seconds of mumbled Celtic mourning chants in the original Old Icelandic.

9 Responses to ‘Put out your gonads for Mr John Clarke’

WarDog ducks in to say...

Posted April 11
Clarke's passing makes me sadder than I can express.
I will sorely miss him. His interview was the highlight of my week.

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insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted April 11
Yes, very sad. My formative years watching John Clarke were in his Fred Dagg phase. Later it was his work with Bryan Dawe. Always enjoyable. I had a quiet mumble of the Gumboot Song this morning in tribute.

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Lulu is gonna tell you...

Posted April 11
What WarDog said.

And also, isn't it nice to find out that someone whose work I admired was an all-round really nice guy as well, going by the comments of those who knew him.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon has opinions thus...

Posted April 11
I'd go as far to say the man was a giant - his talent removed leaves a hole that will be very hard to fill. Although i may have to quit working where i do - i heard the news and blurted it out to my coworkers and not one of the philistines knew his name.

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Bondiboy66 would have you know...

Posted April 11
Very sad news. I too recall Fred Dagg when I was young, and his work with Brian Dawe has been a joy to watch. Who can forget his turn as the voice of Wal Footrot? He'll be sorely missed.

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pi has opinions thus...

Posted April 11
A sad day.

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted April 11
My favourite piece of his was 'the great Australian novel'

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Dave W swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 12
Yes. All of the above. Although, is it wrong to ask that when it's time for me, I go as perfectly as Mt Abrupt?

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Surtac is gonna tell you...

Posted April 12
Yep, all of the above squared.

That was a lovely tribute, John. Probably too subtle for most of the BT demographic, sadly.

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No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?

Posted March 28 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Just because I mocked the hardy frontier image of hardy frontier Queensland in Blunty:

There's nothing tough about refusing to evacuate in the face of a cyclone.

If you survive the winds and roaring storm surge you were just lucky, not resilient.

Cyclone's path: 'please leave'

North Queensland residents in the direct line of Cyclone Debbie should "take this seriously" as emergency crews prepare for "significant damage". Nine News

If the eye turns away and looks for somewhere else to destroy, same deal.

But if you live on the coast and you simply wait for the blast front and the tsunami because some pissweak little storm isn't going to scare you away, you're living in denial at best.

At worst, you're a selfish idiot who will endanger the lives of everyone who has to come to your aid.

I'm sure Lord Bob has all the feelz about this issue.

5 Responses to ‘No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?’

WarDog mumbles...

Posted March 28
But it's a fake storm!
And besides Australia doesn't exist anyway.
You're just a figment of my imagination.

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insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted March 28
There will be some moron out there looking for a monster wave.

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pitpat reckons...

Posted March 28
A master class in the dark art

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Lulu ducks in to say...

Posted March 29
There are the people who refuse to evacuate, and then there are the ones who decide it would be an excellent time to ... kitesurf.

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AKM. has opinions thus...

Posted April 3
Same thing just up the hill in Lismore. Last big flood to put the CBD under 9 foot of water was in 1974- they built a levee in the 90's, which saved us from several knee-to-waist deep floods, (Last time June last year) but this time went over and filled the city like a blocked dunny from a bucket flush. River hit 11.65 m, major flooding.
So many folks forgot the lessons, ignored the SES, council and BOM warning, good mates amongst them.
Complacency bit them on the arse, big time......

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2017

Posted January 3 into Blunty by John Birmingham

First Blunty.

So far 2017 is off to a cracking start. It hasn't killed any meme-worthy celebrities. Donald Trump isn't president. And I'm not even scrambling through a post apocalyptic wasteland fighting for rat meat and potable water. So, yeah. Good times. This is a great year so far.

I was going to do piece on this Centrelink datamatching fiasco, but the more I looked into it, the more I needed to look into it. So I might do that in a week or two.

Today's column was a simple and silly return to the keyboard while I sort out my shit for the year. There is a lot of shit to sort.

4 Responses to ‘2017’

Quokka would have you know...

Posted January 3
Happy new year JB, & the rest of you lot.

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ShaneAlpha mumbles...

Posted January 3
Another book project there for you JB.

JB's Rat Du Jur, 25 fabulous recipes for cooking in a post-apocalyptic Trumpenesque wasteland.

Surtac puts forth...

Posted January 3
As long as it includes the delicacy Rat-onna-stick.

Happy New Year to all!

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Don Bagert would have you know...

Posted January 3
JB, I wonder if you've noticed that Trump is scheduled to still be President (although a possibly lame-duck one) on January 15, 2021 - the AoT date of the Transition.

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I smashed this avo toast think piece. Smashed it good

Posted October 18 into Blunty by John Birmingham

It was this, or West Papua. I went with the option all the playground was talking about. Even Murph, although he's mostly talking about what an abomination avocado toast really is.

Too late, Murph. The invasion of your food culture has begun.

There is no such thing as twenty-two dollar avocado toast. But maybe there should be. Ridonculous demographer Humbert Blowave may simply have been meeting his clickbait KPIs when he set the dumpster on fire over the weekend, claiming that kids these days should be driving trucks for their country and negatively gearing their second McMansion instead of galavanting about the boulevards combing truffled avo toast from their hipster beards – but his was the hot take we desperately needed.

At Blunty.

16 Responses to ‘I smashed this avo toast think piece. Smashed it good’

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted October 18
It needs an identifying name if it wants to take the mantle from spag bol, otherwise no chance. Smavoto? Smav?

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Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 18
Avocado is a blight upon the eye, and a plague upon the palate. The green, slime like texture is cold on the tongue, which at least has the benefit of not feeling like someone has dropped a turd directly into one's mouth. It looks like vomit on bread, and I would call it shit on a shingle if that title had not already been claimed by a far more worthy dish.


As with the tulip bubble, I predict the avocado con ruined toast bubble will pop long before the blight of it ruins the food scene here in the Giant Gerbil Cage of the Midwestern Wastes.

jl asserts...

Posted October 18
I dunno, maybe avocado toast with Ranch dressing would be okay.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted October 19
The best way to eat ranch is to throw it in the trash and get something else instead.

jl asserts...

Posted October 19
Sacrilege! Ranch goes with everything!

Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted October 20
No. Pretty sure it goes with nothing.

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JBtoo swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 18
Yay Blunty's back!
Although, I'm with Murph - avocado is an abomination, especially when smashed. Haloumi though is another matter entirely.

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ronS asserts...

Posted October 18
Sydneysiders are being taken for a ride. In Newcastle I had two eggs, smoked salmon and smashed avocado on Turkish for $8.50 a month ago. It was a breakfast special but you don't need to be ripped off.

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Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 19
Why is this even a thing?

The only thing that belongs on toast are fried eggs, over medium, and bacon.

Is there estrogen in the water down there or something?

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted October 19
Rhino, you've got it wrong. There is water in their estrogen, just a little bit of it.

damian ducks in to say...

Posted October 19
Fried eggs over easy, while fine things in their own right, are an unsuitable texture for toast and a poor medium for the requisite fresh-ground pepper. Poached in apple cider vinegar with tarragon, or soft-boiled and sliced is the ticket (at least as a stop-gap when avocados are out of season). The toast should be a hard but airy ciabatta. The egg (or avocado) can be topped with a fresh salsa of 2:1 chopped tomato and onion, thinned with a little balsamic vinegar. Basil, mint or coriander (that's cilantro for the philistines) could be used as a garnish or chopped in salsa or avocado. Crispy bacon could be included, but if you're going to do that there's not much point in not also doing fried tomatoes, sausages, steak, potatoes fried in mushroom and garlic, barbecued field mushrooms and of course then you need a plate full of thick-sliced toasted white bread, muesli with fruit and custard, a pot of coffee and a pitcher of orange juice. Some would include baked beans too - but there's just no accounting for some people. Vegemite toast to finish off and you're set up for the day just nicely. Most people should be able to last almost till lunchtime.

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted October 20
Fuck me, I thought I was food snob. Where is Boylan when you need him?

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 20
The real question is what the perfect vegemite toast is. While I prefer a lighter toast than ms insomniac, it always needs to be warm when buttering, and it has to be butter, before spreading a thick slather of vegemite, not right to the edge because you need somewhere to get a handhold of this delicious breakfast of champions.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted October 20
Vegemite comes from the ass end of dead dropbears, right?

insomniac mumbles...

Posted October 20
Well yes, but only after mixing it with vaseline

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted October 20
"Sorry mate, you're not getting lube"

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All aboard for the Crazy Town express

Posted July 5, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

"Gerry Harvey's reported statement that this country needs a dictator is the sort of thing a world-class bozo would say. It's also the sort of thing your average mouth-breathing idiot down the pub would say before he was halfway into his first schooner, but the huge numbers of mouth-breathing idiots who'd agree with Harvey doesn't make his idea right. Just dangerous."

From Blunty

11 Responses to ‘All aboard for the Crazy Town express’

KreepyKrawly asserts...

Posted July 5, 2016
One thing for sure, It's going to be an interesting next 12 months...

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insomniac asserts...

Posted July 5, 2016
I agree that no one votes for instability. I cringed when I heard that too.

Of course, if Labor form minority government then Pauline is out of the picture, as presumably you'd get Labor + Greens + 1 or 2 independents to pass a bill. Mucho stability then, especially compared with the LNP having to negotiate with Pauline on everything.

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jason mutters...

Posted July 5, 2016
Whilst I disagree with the views of many of the parties who appear to have a seat in our new parliament I don't think we can just dismiss them as loonies (event though they are). Seems our nation is made up of a diversity of opinion with an equal right to be heard (even though I disagree with everything they say). Maybe the entrenched views we so oppose are more prevalent in society than we like to imagine (there are way more nut jobs out there than I hoped). I see this as a chance to expose these crazies to the blow torch of logic and debate their ideas (if we cant out argue these mouth breathing numpties with our book learning we are in trouble).

Sadly a democracy represents all the people (even the foolish and racist) and a good government needs to deal with them and still drag the country into the future.

Halwes reckons...

Posted July 5, 2016
I think it may be that people are so disillusioned with the major parties and their manipulative, self serving agendas that they've registered a protest vote specifically designed to screw them. Our lives are full of uncertainty and instability so why shouldn't theirs be.? The problem with Hanson is that some of what she says is true. Islam doesn't seem to like us very much which is fair enough because many of us don't like it. I lived in North Africa for 6 months and witnessed first hand how they treat women. We can't ignore the teachings and interpretations of the Koran just the same as we can't do it with some of the zany interpretations of the bible. And then, if we challenge them, we are called racist and likely to get some sort of payback. Crony capitalism is also alive and well which further disenfranchises the working class. I don't welcome Hanson back at all but, as I live and work in working class areas, I am hearing more and more people that agree with her. The mob that I speak to can't be simply classed as foolish and racist because they aren't. They are intelligent tradespeople and others who want nothing more than to feed their families in safety and get jobs for their kids. They refuse to like people that think that their Aussie daughters are no better than dogs and that's how it should be. Labor didn't do well at all. Most of their seats were gained with preferences from the minor parties. The way they are patting themselves on the back at the moment is bordering on delusional in my opinion. Or, more likely, they know that it's bullshit and we are just being subjected to more spin. I consider myself to be left of Labor, I love our multicultural society and think that organised religion is dangerous bullshit. Plenty don't agree with me which is why it is important that I consider their opinions and don't just write them off as foolish and racist. Further polarisation of our country isn't going to help our children.

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Aaron asserts...

Posted July 5, 2016
If only those breathers voting for the nit jobs actually voted based on a simple appraisal of what they were voting on. They were probably protest voting, the whole nation was just with varying degrees of intelligence. And so it goes

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pitpat reckons...

Posted July 5, 2016
I saw it as a vote for the centre and stability. The problem is that the centre vote is spilt by the Lib and Lab camps. Policy wise and economically there is bugger all difference, idealogically there maybe a chasm, but FFS build a bridge and get over it.
Otherwise it is a bunch of social justice stuff - all worthy in the eyes of the proponents- that at the end of the days only concerns pretty small percentages in any meaningful sense but can be used as the crutch for special interest parties that have been gifted an opportunity to gain an upper seat house due to the DD and an arcane quota system.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon puts forth...

Posted July 5, 2016
I've always said that dictators are good for solving short term problems (whether for good or bad). The issue is getting rid of them once their job is done. I hear a water canon over in London is going cheap. Maybe we could rent try buy it?

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NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 5, 2016
I tend to agree with the "protest vote" "a pox on both your houses" hypothesis, but.

There is So much at stake.

The profligate pork promises to the X benches will be preposterous.
Real reform pretty much only occurs when Party Z has sufficient political capital that they can afford to take a hit or two.

I doubt anything of note on the ten biggest issues will be done before the next fed election, be it next year or 2019.

Halwes has opinions thus...

Posted July 5, 2016
I think the Libs are going to get a majority and will continue to send our jobs to China, just like Labor did, and feather the already plush beds of the multinationals. I believe that Shorten knows that the Libs are headed for a majority as well which makes his posturing all the more galling to me.

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Halwes reckons...

Posted July 6, 2016
What do you reckon are the 10 biggest issues?

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Therbs reckons...

Posted July 6, 2016
Definitely an "Up yours!" sentiment. Hanson took the old PUP votes which shows that what you need to do is simply challenge the "out-of-touch" status quo, talk about "Real Straya" and say you want Straya for Strayans whether it be farms, corner shops, schools or churches. Hanson does it by hooking into Islam and Asians, because what on earth do Muslims and Asians have to do with Real Straya? Also, some people like angry red heads.

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First we kill the reef, then we kill ourselves

Posted May 31, 2016 into Blunty by John Birmingham

The Great Barrier Reef is almost certainly doomed. But that's OK, because our own doom is only probable, not certain. It will die before we do. It will die because of us. But we are such a resourceful, inventive, endlessly self-seeking species that we might yet survive the catastrophe we have visited upon the planet. Maybe in domes.

Yes, huge city-sized domes with a Soylent Green stall on every corner. That would be cool.

At Blunty.

10 Responses to ‘First we kill the reef, then we kill ourselves’

jl is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31, 2016
It's a damn, crying shame.

"Soylent Green is people". Will we be reduced to that?

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Blarkon mumbles...

Posted May 31, 2016
Need Splodey Eco-Warrior-Fiction. Saving the planet, one splosion at a time.

Of course the Space Lizard books come first because Space Lizards. But eventually Splodey Eco-Warrior-Fiction. Something like Havock finally deciding to go Green in the splodeyest way possible.

Halwes asserts...

Posted June 1, 2016
Have you read "The Monkey Wrench Gang".? One of my all time favourites. Explosions, sex, drugs. How can you go wrong?

damian mumbles...

Posted June 2, 2016
Think the right time for splodey eco-warrior fiction was the 90s. I mean we probably had it but everyone labelled it as extremist. Sure it doesn't seem that way now but looking back, some of the individuals weren't as likable as you might wish either. Bit late now - for every Paul Watson there are 10 dentists shooting lions. Guess that doesn't mean we can't turn it around, especially targeting the young adult market (readers, that is, not lions).

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Bondiboy66 reckons...

Posted May 31, 2016
Best the family and I visit again before its gone....

Therbs asserts...

Posted May 31, 2016
Better be quick.

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31, 2016
Bleat all you like about white coral and other irrelevant organisms passing on.
The future is Domes! Tax-loopholed, ultra secure, home domes.
Get in quick, Free debentures for my dome construction company are sitting on the table outside the entrance. Don't hurt yourselves in the rush.

Nocturnalist mumbles...

Posted May 31, 2016
Ben Elton did a novel about this, where every first-world household had an environmentally self-contained "Claustrosphere" in the back yard.

JBtoo mumbles...

Posted May 31, 2016
And then there's Clade, by James Bradley

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damian reckons...

Posted June 2, 2016
I especially liked the bit about the oompah band.

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