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I have let myself down. I have let Apple down

Posted September 25, 2018 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From Blunty today:

I have had a horrible realisation. I don’t need a new iPhone. But it’s worse than that. I don’t need a new phone of any sort. If I was rocking a Samsung, or Pixel or any smart phone released in the last four or five years, as long as I could replace the battery … I wouldn’t need to upgrade.

This is an awful, shameful thing to know about yourself, but I had been creeping up on awareness for a while now.

The eye-watering price tag for the latest fondle slabs from the blessed fruit company did surely hurry me along to revelation, but it was an instance of calculated generosity that pushed me over.

I replaced the battery on my old iPhone 6S Plus a week ago. With nearly 750 charging cycles on the clock it was, as the iMinion from the Genius Bar told me, “about to be consumed”. They sounded both horrified and impressed by that. Apparently not many batteries survive in the wild long enough to be “consumed”.

On the upside though, it frees up some money to buy a new iPad Pro. My curent iPad is nearly seven years old. I figure to retire it to the kitchen.

7 Responses to ‘I have let myself down. I have let Apple down’

Murphy_of_Missouri puts forth...

Posted September 25, 2018
The only downside of my iPhone SE is that it isn't waterproof. Otherwise, it does what the 4 and the 5S did.

Worse, instead of buying an Apple smart watch, I got a Fitbit Ionic instead. :D

Still on the Outer Marches

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Leftarc mutters...

Posted September 25, 2018
Does your Newton still work?

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Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted September 25, 2018
Does your old iPad still work properly? Our one works - but crashes with many websites. It's so crap it's been relegated to being a fancy Kindle machine.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 25, 2018
Yeah, it's a bit janky, but it works fine for consumption. I want to upgrade because Scrivener and Word are a bit too slow and jumpy on it to be useful.

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Dirk reckons...

Posted September 25, 2018
And in the next episode you reveal that you are cheating on Siri by installing Google Assistant?

"Step towards the dark side, my young Padawan ... ";)

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HAVOCK21 would have you know...

Posted September 25, 2018
me LG G6 fkn ROCKS..then again. I ONLY bought it cos a got a free LG TV in the deal. BUT. I still believe it kicks the skany fkn arse of the POXY TOOO FKN DEAR RIP YA OFF BASTARD THATS FKN STEVE POX HEAD JOBS!!

I know qualoity when I see iot. I should, I look at me self every day iin the mirros and just go....FKN WOW!...THATS GOOOOOD!!

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jl mutters...

Posted September 26, 2018
Hell, my WallyWorld cheap Chinese smart phone does everything I could ever want... for eighteen dollars. But I did buy iThings for my daughters, and I swear by Macs for the home computers.

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My sweaty buttcheeks look nothing like Nick Earls'

Posted September 11, 2018 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From today's Blunty:

"I’m pretty sure the only reason I don’t have a perfect five star Uber rating is because sometimes people get me and Nick Earls mixed up and Nick is notorious for getting underpants-literally-on-his-head drunk and that Uber guy who gave me less than five stars must have had Nick in the back seat, drunk as a lord, undies on his bonce, and sweaty buttcheeks smearing up the leatherette interior."

You might probably not be surprised to learn that our lawyers insisted I get Nick's okeldokely for this.

1 Responses to ‘My sweaty buttcheeks look nothing like Nick Earls'’

FormerlyKnownAsSimon mumbles...

Posted September 11, 2018
Uber were watching blackmirror one night and got excited didn't they? "those dirty customers always rating down our drivers with their high expectations and causing us grief with follow up customer calls. Well, we'll show them"

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Cricket Australia's billion dollar score

Posted April 17, 2018 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Sharp-eyed punters will see a subtle difference between my original opening par for today's Blunty (below) and the published version after the link.

The draughty feeling between your legs? That’s a lack of pants down there, my friend. And the soft kiss of a gentle breeze wafting over your pink bits is a natural consequence of the sweet nothings being whispered into your arse by the executives at Seven and Foxtel, and their enablers in the Federal government who just let Cricket Australia drop the nation’s summer sport behind a pay wall.

Seven and Foxtel’s joint billion dollar deal for the broadcast rights to Test and limited overs cricket, is about as clear a breach of the anti-siphoning legislation as you could hope for… if you had a lazy billion dollars lying around and you wanted to spend the next six years gouging millions of punters for all they were worth.

1 Responses to ‘Cricket Australia's billion dollar score’

spankee has opinions thus...

Posted April 18, 2018
Struggling to find any major differences. Is it the font? Did you use Sans Pants?

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A slobber of mots

Posted March 13, 2018 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Brisbane has been struggling through a crime wave. Even better it's a foreign crime wave. Even betterer again, the foreigners are Irish and they've mostly been scamming food and drink, and stuffing too many potatoes in the toilet.

I decided this was definitely a topic for The Instrument. Unfortunately the sensivity protocols at Fairfax didnt allow me to go competely to town. I had to change the phrase a 'slobber of skankapotamusses' to a 'slobber of mots', which is more cullturally appropropriate, and actually scans a lot smoother.

For too long now, or since January anyway, bar and cafe owners have lived in constant fear of brassy Irish scrubbers rolling into their establishments at all hours of the afternoon and demanding free drinks and sandwiches to make up for all the drinks and sandwiches they ate yesterday that were full of broken glass to hear them tell of it.

This same slobber of mots have routinely stuffed dozens of tubes of Pringles into the oversized nappy bags on their robbery prams while honest Brisbane shopkeepers have been distracted by the shenanigans of their tiny feckin snot-nosed barrow-wights.

The rest is at Blunty.

6 Responses to ‘A slobber of mots’

jl puts forth...

Posted March 13, 2018
This gave me a great chance to polish up on past Blunties. Thanks, JB!

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Therbs reckons...

Posted March 13, 2018
Irish griftopuss pikey types skiving off Queenslanders and trying to turn toilets into potato factories?
A disturbing story no Australian can afford to miss.

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Nocturnalist puts forth...

Posted March 13, 2018
Anyone else have a certain Jane's Addiction song start up in their head when they read that second para?

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Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted March 13, 2018
"Barrow wights' as children - very accurate!

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Leftarc swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted March 13, 2018
Surprised its a crime wave in the first place.
Imagine if it was a group of Sudanese youth as opposed to white women with ankle biters as accessories and accomplices.

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Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted March 16, 2018
Ned Kelly clearly took offense at your finely wrought article JB. I am so going to town with my mate Sinead with this. A brief story about Sinead Margerite Neville. Blonde, Irish and lots of fun. Married an Aussie and decided to become a citizen. At the ceremony in North Lakes/Caboolture, they read her name out as (phonetically) Sinnyad Magreetie Nevillay - the reason was that pretty much the rest of the new citizens were of Indian and Sri Lankan descent and thought she was as well.

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Put out your gonads for Mr John Clarke

Posted April 11, 2017 into Blunty by John Birmingham

I was very sad to hear John Clarke passed away. A great loss to the nation. An even bigger loss to farnarkling. A tribute at Blunty:

Farnarkling lost a champion yesterday, with the passing of Mr John Clarke. The veteran broadcaster was not just the voice of the national sport, but a much-loved ambassador to the powerhouses of the perfect game as far away as Bad Odursburg and Middlefart.

Play at the 'G in Launceston, where Australia and Uzbekistan contended fiercely for a quarter-final slot in the Far Eastern Cup, was interrupted for the traditional 49 seconds of mumbled Celtic mourning chants in the original Old Icelandic.

9 Responses to ‘Put out your gonads for Mr John Clarke’

WarDog mumbles...

Posted April 11, 2017
Clarke's passing makes me sadder than I can express.
I will sorely miss him. His interview was the highlight of my week.

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insomniac reckons...

Posted April 11, 2017
Yes, very sad. My formative years watching John Clarke were in his Fred Dagg phase. Later it was his work with Bryan Dawe. Always enjoyable. I had a quiet mumble of the Gumboot Song this morning in tribute.

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Lulu ducks in to say...

Posted April 11, 2017
What WarDog said.

And also, isn't it nice to find out that someone whose work I admired was an all-round really nice guy as well, going by the comments of those who knew him.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 11, 2017
I'd go as far to say the man was a giant - his talent removed leaves a hole that will be very hard to fill. Although i may have to quit working where i do - i heard the news and blurted it out to my coworkers and not one of the philistines knew his name.

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Bondiboy66 asserts...

Posted April 11, 2017
Very sad news. I too recall Fred Dagg when I was young, and his work with Brian Dawe has been a joy to watch. Who can forget his turn as the voice of Wal Footrot? He'll be sorely missed.

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pi mumbles...

Posted April 11, 2017
A sad day.

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Barnesm mutters...

Posted April 11, 2017
My favourite piece of his was 'the great Australian novel'

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Dave W has opinions thus...

Posted April 12, 2017
Yes. All of the above. Although, is it wrong to ask that when it's time for me, I go as perfectly as Mt Abrupt?

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Surtac reckons...

Posted April 12, 2017
Yep, all of the above squared.

That was a lovely tribute, John. Probably too subtle for most of the BT demographic, sadly.

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No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?

Posted March 28, 2017 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Just because I mocked the hardy frontier image of hardy frontier Queensland in Blunty:

There's nothing tough about refusing to evacuate in the face of a cyclone.

If you survive the winds and roaring storm surge you were just lucky, not resilient.

Cyclone's path: 'please leave'

North Queensland residents in the direct line of Cyclone Debbie should "take this seriously" as emergency crews prepare for "significant damage". Nine News

If the eye turns away and looks for somewhere else to destroy, same deal.

But if you live on the coast and you simply wait for the blast front and the tsunami because some pissweak little storm isn't going to scare you away, you're living in denial at best.

At worst, you're a selfish idiot who will endanger the lives of everyone who has to come to your aid.

I'm sure Lord Bob has all the feelz about this issue.

5 Responses to ‘No, I wasn't trolling. Why would you imagine that?’

WarDog reckons...

Posted March 28, 2017
But it's a fake storm!
And besides Australia doesn't exist anyway.
You're just a figment of my imagination.

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insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted March 28, 2017
There will be some moron out there looking for a monster wave.

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pitpat reckons...

Posted March 28, 2017
A master class in the dark art

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Lulu has opinions thus...

Posted March 29, 2017
There are the people who refuse to evacuate, and then there are the ones who decide it would be an excellent time to ... kitesurf.

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AKM. has opinions thus...

Posted April 3, 2017
Same thing just up the hill in Lismore. Last big flood to put the CBD under 9 foot of water was in 1974- they built a levee in the 90's, which saved us from several knee-to-waist deep floods, (Last time June last year) but this time went over and filled the city like a blocked dunny from a bucket flush. River hit 11.65 m, major flooding.
So many folks forgot the lessons, ignored the SES, council and BOM warning, good mates amongst them.
Complacency bit them on the arse, big time......

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