Cheeseburger Gothic

Doctrine, strategy and tactics in Paris

Posted November 17, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From the Instrument:

To defeat Daesh means to destroy them utterly, not just to kill and maim their fighters, and reduce the settlements of their pissant fourth world proto-state to rubble and ash, but to negate the philosophy, the very way of the seeing the world which brought that state into being.

To do that we must understand them and their understanding of doctrine, strategy and tactics. These are western concepts, but common to all faiths and ideologies which would take dominion over the world.

100 Responses to ‘Doctrine, strategy and tactics in Paris’

Murphy_of_Missouri puts forth...

Posted November 17, 2015
Reminds me all too much of the Without Warning trilogy.

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Surtac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 17, 2015

Good article.

I do like it when you go thinky, but I'd like it more long form. Perhaps you could pitch a Quarterly Essay on the topic. I'd read that.


she_jedi puts forth...

Posted November 17, 2015
+1! I loved your QE on A Time for War

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jennicki ducks in to say...

Posted November 17, 2015
I'm just at a loss on what should be done.

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Murphy_of_Missouri ducks in to say...

Posted November 17, 2015
Here are some suggestions:
1. Systematically target anyone providing funding for legal action. If that can't or won't work, then drop a bomb in their laps. We might also try freezing their bank accounts.

2. Criminally prosecute anyone and everyone purchasing oil and artifacts from Daesh. If that can't or won't work, then again, drop a few bombs in their laps. We might also freeze their bank accounts.

3. Maintain bombing campaign and intensify.

4. Increase use of elite forces to target Daesh leadership on the ground. Capture or terminate as needs must.

5. Build some schools and break the cycle of oral based rote learning. Instead, create children capable of critical thinking. In fact, I'd argue that for every dollar spent on a Wahabbi madrassa by the opposition, we should match that.

6. Speaking of extremist madrassas, they should have a bomb chucked into their laps as well.

7. Sit down with everyone involved in Syria and try to come to a common understanding on a future for that country. Right now the Daesh can take cover behind the chaos of that mess.

What we should not do is think that more wishful thinking, multicultural understanding, and hash tag activism will do any good. These folks want to kill us.

Fine. We need to attack their funding, their supporters, their infrastructure. We weaken that then maybe we'll have a shot on bumping off the diehards.

insomniac reckons...

Posted November 17, 2015
If the question is 'Are they diehards?', perhaps Bruce Willis is the answer.

Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted November 17, 2015
Yippie Kay Yeah!

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Legless puts forth...

Posted November 17, 2015
Absolutely can, and should, recruit spys from the refugee hordes. Give their families guarantees of safety in the West and send our own 5th column into ISIS.
There will be many who would jump at the chance. There will be many who are burning for a chance at revenge if they know their families will be safe.

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tygertim swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 17, 2015
Part of me want to go all Einstatsgruppen on them for the evil they have re-awakened in this t ok red old world but my brain and my heart tells me that this is a mistaken idea, that there has to be a better way. All I can see now is that they WANT us to react in that very manner and that is the very reason we must deny them that which they so desire.... but the blood they spilled, the weeping of the raped enslaved cries out for justice and whispers for vengeance... And those whom suffered need and require some punishment of those guilty souls for their pain.All I can come up with to remedy their trespass against humanity is to seek out those guilty souls whose guilt we can ascertain are guilty beyond any reasonable doubt, is to publicly ,shoot them in the head, place their dead bodies in the chest cavity of dead pigs, fill it with pigs blood, see it shut, and bury it far out in the desert in an undisclosed location. It is the only punishment I can see that fits their crimes.... but I have to admit that if this is done, I fear for my humanity, and yes, my soul...

tygertim ducks in to say...

Posted November 17, 2015
And would this make me evil too?

S.M. Stirling ducks in to say...

Posted November 19, 2015
It's war, not a judicial investigation. In war, you're not trying to punish individuals for doing something wrong; you're trying to inflict unbearable pain on people for being on the other side, so they'll give up (or just die). It's important to keep this distinction in mind.

tygertim mumbles...

Posted November 20, 2015
In that case. It's past time for boots on the ground. An occupation strategy similar to that of Germany post WW 2, of a duration of no less than ten years before the return of their national sovereignty.

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted November 17, 2015
There need to be coherent plans for the end of the Assad regime and post-Assad Syria. This includes the economy.

Lulu reckons...

Posted November 17, 2015
Certainly more coherent than the "post-Saddam" plans for Iraq - the lack of which is not-unrelated to the rise of ISIS/ISIL/Da'esh.

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HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted November 17, 2015
Well I have a few suggestions.
1 Go after the money..the funding and that means all the large sums of cash that comes out of VARIOUS FKN ARSEHAT MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTREIES!
2 Get the fkn Egypotions, Saudies and all the other fkn basatrds to ACTUALLY FKN PUT BOOTS ON GROUND and FKN DO SOMETHING!
3 Call BHP and order a metric fk load of razor waire and fence the whole fkn joint off, then, with all the fkn rabbits IN THE FKN PED TO IT AND ALL ITS CONTENTS TO DUST!
4 Fk the middle east, they are ratbags, scum bags arase hat, two timing dont know who you could trust would NOT PISS ON THEM FKN IDIOTS if it were not for oil.
5 Go back in time and shoot the fkrs who happened to div up the middle east and europe for that matter and give us these never ending fkn problems.

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HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted November 17, 2015
JB is right, there had to be a longer term view on this, some bombs in the short term and to help with continual pressure is ok. But you very rapidly will some some collateral damage and that counter productive to what we would want to achieve. In the short to medium term what's the best way to establish some control, start to deny them freedom of movement, training locations and travel. It might well be that in the near term from a strategic perspective Arsessard is the better of the bad bunch. Maybe its a case of limited restoration, help the take back, support etc but not overly equip him. I'm not convinced that a great option BTW.
Training your own or co-opting refugee's is a good way to go , but the reinsertion is tricky and would be vastly easier with a stabilising operational environment and thus a causal factor for the persons return. You could still utilise insertion back in pre this, but its far far more challenging imho ( think FKN RISKY!). And additionally its a longer operational impact, we would be talking year, and that's not to say we should not do it, quite the contrary, we should be assembling as many of these operatives as possible.
When I ranted before I was quite real about the funding, its not cheap to wage war and going after funding sources is a must and that's where you might well run into the KINGDOM and the messy arrangement that is all of the ME.
One thing is for sure, we do need to up the operational involvement, but be watchful in the manner in which this takes place. The creation of the require departments, selection and training with insertion of infiltrators is a must. This will give us intelligence but again, utilisation of that know;ledge is an issue as you can burn your source. I think you would be looking to seriously infiltrate them and in a coordinated matter remove the head shoulders arms and feet rapidly!.
And you simply have to economically make sure that you rebuild the place.....seriously, I'm not sure how the yanks managed to so badly fk up the last one ( PS I'm not a US basher) but a couple of people made seriously fkn retarded calls! and lots have paid the ultimate price for that mistake.

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S.M. Stirling asserts...

Posted November 18, 2015
In the month before D-day, we killed 30,000 French civilians during our attacks on the French railway net. That's about 1000 a day. So screw collateral damage; it's war, people get killed.
As for "luring" us into the Middle East, Daesh believes that their final victory (after many defeats) will come when Allah sends Issa (Jesus) down from the sky over Jerusalem to lead them to triumph. No, really, they seriously believe that.
If this is their strategy, then giving them the apocalyptic battle they want is probably a good idea. Unless Issa appears, of course, but that doesn't seem like much of a deterrent to me.

Lulu would have you know...

Posted November 18, 2015
"So screw collateral damage; it's war, people get killed."

Unless it's someone on 'our' side. Then that's unaccceptable / terrorism / barbarism / whatever.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted November 18, 2015
I want it to stop. If that means bombing so many until it does . . . well, lets fucking get on with it. Start shoveling those bombs out by the megaton until they get the point.

S.M. Stirling reckons...

Posted November 19, 2015
Lulu: The 30,000 French civilians WERE on our side, or hadn't you noticed?
War isn't about "good" and "bad". It's about "us" and "them". The rest is largely propaganda.
Empathy begins at home, btw. Do I consider my tribe's lives to be worth more than their tribe's. Of course I do; anyone who doesn't is a moral imbecile.

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Barnesm mutters...

Posted November 18, 2015

Might I offer John Oliver's response to the terrorists attack.

"France is going to endure, and I'll tell you why. If you're in a war of culture and lifestyle with France, good fucking luck.

Go ahead, bring your bankrupt ideology. They'll bring Jean-Paul Sartre, Edith Piaf, fine wine, Gauloises cigarettes, Camus, Camembert, madeleines, macaroons, Marcel Proust and the fucking croquembouche.

You just bought a philosophy of rigorous self-abnegation to a pastry fight my friend.

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted November 18, 2015
John Paul Sarte might well be the reason they lose. Hopefully it will be negated by Monet, Henri Cartier-Bresson, and a fair bit of Jules Verne.

Barnesm ducks in to say...

Posted November 18, 2015
Certainly its a big table France can bring.

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted November 18, 2015
More ham sandwiches and less Sarte.

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted November 19, 2015
Croquembouche, don't forget the croquembouche.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted November 19, 2015
Do you think they would hate us more if they knew that we pity them?

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 19, 2015

I don't doubt it.

The French writer Nicolas Henin was an ISIS hostage for 10 months wrote a piece in the Guardian which discussed what really gets up the nose of the ISIS people that were holding him.

I have no doubt that our response to them being pity is harder for them to deal with than any anger or hate.

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Gutz asserts...

Posted November 18, 2015
'That course of action i would like to suggest is a course of action i CANNOT suggest' i heard that somewhere.....so sick of this my god is better than your god bullshit.

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NBlob would have you know...

Posted November 18, 2015
Consider a metallurgical analogy. We mine ore, refine into ingots, smelt into alloys, machine into tools. With a nod to JB's 'Battlespace awareness' drones gather information (SigInt, video, etc) we are learning to process that into information (hash tags, POI, VOI, LOI - person, vehicle & location of interest.) Information is analysed & tested to become knowledge. Knowledge can then inform action. Action being a euphemism for a couple of hell fire missiles in through the car window.

Radiolab did an espisode recently that The Gothic Link Button doesn't like: http://www.radiolab.org/story/eye-sky/
These systems are improving day on day, week on week. Pretty soon those limited triple C capacities that Daich has will be 'splodily made tactically unviable.
I'm totes across the ethical & legal issues of extrajudicial assassination, but it seems to me the least worst option.

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jason has opinions thus...

Posted November 18, 2015
Ideas and success are the weapons we need to fight the ideological battle. The principal of Holroyd school made a point on radio that it is hard to radicalize someone who is successful but easy to radicalize someone with no future. We need to ensure success is all inclusive and that debate is open and informed.


S.M. Stirling has opinions thus...

Posted November 19, 2015
Ahhh... no. Terrorists are just as likely to be highly educated and economically successful.
It's time to take them at their word. Their statements of their motivation are true, not some unconscious code for "you didn't get me a good job" or "you hurt my feelings'.
Let's throw this cod-Marxist "underlying causes" garbage on the dungheap where it belongs.

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kuffar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 18, 2015
I have said multiple times back in the day of your old blog, there is no clean solution to this. It is going to be bloody and long, and not election cycle long, it is gonna be a generation. We gotta keep the pressure on.
My opinion: ISIS has sex slaves, something about that shit pisses me off. Let's kill those fucks.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted November 18, 2015
By all means, but lets get as few us killed and maimed doing it.

S.M. Stirling swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 19, 2015
By all means, keep our casualties down to a minumum, but as the good Freiherr pointed out, in war "moderation is imbecility". Better a terrible end than endless terror.

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Spanner would have you know...

Posted November 18, 2015
A medium term view...
Soon the oil that's left in the ground will become worthless as we move towards renewable energy. I'm thinking 20 years or less. ISIS and in fact most of the protagonists in the middle east are going to run out of money fast in that time frame. They don't have the IT or governance structures to transition their proto economies.
Much as the allies beat the axis in WWII with production so will we beat these medieval whackos this a new economy. Time and resilience is on our side.

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HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted November 18, 2015
I'M THINKING STERILISE THE WHOLEFKN M EAST!

Gutz swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 19, 2015
A bulk delivery to their holy afterlife? From orbit, just be sure. That is the anger part of my brain like the character from the movie inside out.

Nowhere near sensible thoughts, but they need bombing...nobody has specified which ones?

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NBlob asserts...

Posted November 19, 2015
Collective punishment is a war crime (Geneva 4th Article 33)

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted November 19, 2015
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourth_Geneva_Convention

Murphy_of_Missouri asserts...

Posted November 19, 2015
Might be time to throw that particular rule book out. It isn't like the Daesh are going to abide by it.

Hell, I can't think of a single opponent the United States has faced that even made a surface effort to comply with Geneva.

NBlob would have you know...

Posted November 19, 2015
The only way to tell good guys from bad guys is by their conduct. The day we indiscriminately bring pain to the innocent we are no better than those whom we seek to destroy.

HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted November 19, 2015
true....but I will kill them all on the fight thru and further, on the field of battle as they have given no quarter nor shown no mercy, so shall I give none!
Commander Havock.

NBlob mutters...

Posted November 19, 2015
And that, my camo colleague, is the nub of the matter. These chickensh!t arse clowns chose to surround themselves with innocents. Human shields has to be the lowest act of a so called military force. Hence my comment about Intel driven drone war being the least worst option.

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted November 20, 2015
I think I'd rather have history judge me as a bad guy who lived to a ripe old age as opposed to a gullible, naive, and very dead before my time good guy.

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S.M. Stirling mumbles...

Posted November 19, 2015
NBlob: war IS collective punishment. That is its inherent nature.
The laws of war are actually a mutual accommodation; they don't apply to dealings with people who don't make a good-faith attempt to abide by them.
And, of course, the only -real- war crime is losing. The rest is bullshit.

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted November 19, 2015
Mr Stirling as you are an honoured guest I'll keep this as civil as I can. You are wrong.

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 19, 2015
Way too much arse in this thread - wrinkly, hairy and shitty arse. The really ugly thing is: it's talking. Which is fine in its place I guess, but it's not my taste. So maybe be back some other time, cheers.

Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted November 20, 2015
Yep, been to one. They are pretty fucking ugly.

They are even uglier when you resort to half measures and platitudes.

w from brisbane ducks in to say...

Posted November 20, 2015
My uncles, who fought for Australia in WW2, very rarely talked about it. But would say, war is a terrible business, don't think there are good guys, because every horror they did, we did too.

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted November 20, 2015
so you would be familiar with Cicero's argument "Silent enim leges inter arma" popularly translated as "people called Romeania they go the house".

Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted November 20, 2015
The law is not a suicide pact.

Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 20, 2015
I would hope not.

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enzo polato puts forth...

Posted November 20, 2015
It's Myamoto Musashi's Go Rin No Sho's theory of japanese sword fighting, five centuries old and still sound

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
It's still sound if you have a sword? But what if you don't have a sword? I don't have a sword. But I do have a 12 gauge double barreled sawed-off shotgun. Does Myamoto Musashi's Go Rin No Sho's fancy sword fighting theory help me use a weapon that doesn't depend on precision and takes no skill at all to deploy?

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Des reckons...

Posted November 20, 2015
lets do the time warp! last time i poked my head in here i got gang banged by a few pumped up chicken hawks...probably three years ago. i come back to see how things are going (largely due to my old friendship with JB) and i find that the same couple of people are sprouting the same hairy chested rhetoric... even down to that old blowhard USS Stirling (dare i speak his name) throwing his weight around. see you all in three years!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted November 21, 2015
No, you dare not speak his name.

Have you learned nothing during your alleged absence?

Des puts forth...

Posted November 21, 2015
thank you, my learned friend, i appreciate the tip..something for me to ponder while in exile... and he who shall hereinafter only be referred to as 'big daddy' can sail forth, guns a-blazing, unassailed by the possibility that his Kilgore-like pearls of wisdom will be questioned by communists like myself. back to the gulag for me!

Des swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
i do wonder though. Maybe Big Daddy's 'feelin' the Bern'?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted November 21, 2015
It is my policy to hide my ignorance by disagreeing with anything I don't understand. It is the most efficient way to fake intelligence that I know of - and, believe me, I've tried them all. It is amazing how insightful one can appear merely by shaking their head while feigning utter certainty that someone else is dead wrong.

I didn't understand anything included in either of your two posts, above, so - if I had to guess - I would guess that the answer to your question is no.

I do like you referring to me as "learned" though. That was cool. Way cool. Dude. I would repeat it if I harboured any confidence that I know how to pronounce "learned."

des swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
yes, i wouldn't know what i'm talking about. thanks. i was trying to be nice. silly me. that you choose to to take umbrage and patronise me, given the inane and jokey manner of most threads i have read here, i will just accept) that you, (as a guardian and caretaker of the Gothic's gate), have chosen to cast me out, largely because you dislike the notion of an opinionated outsider engaging your comfy circle.... i stand admonished by my superior. i am also sorry that my superior fails to comprehend the meaning of my original message, and those that followed...simply put, after nearly three years, this prestigious if small group of warmongers that i was referring to, are still itching for war, and are spouting the same foamy mouthed rubbish about the desire for war in Syria. i obviously find it strange, but i am outside the goldfish bowl. maybe some oxygen would help in there. probably not.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted November 21, 2015
Oh my God that was so funny on so many levels. The misplaced sense of importance, the oppressive seriousness and the pretense of persecution are, honestly speaking, wonderful. My attempts at humour are good - don't get me wrong: I think I am very funny - but not as good as that.


Des is gonna tell you...

Posted November 21, 2015
your self-serving statement IS funny, even if you generally are less so than you might imagine. but don't worry, counsellor, i do not feel victimised. i just call it as i see it. the sole reason i am here is because i have known and liked JB for a very long time...i would never suggest that i have anything but good-humoured contempt for some of the rubbish i have read on the threads. anyhow, keep slappin' me with that wet fish!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
",,,i do not feel victimised [sic]."

Well, thank God for that.

Des would have you know...

Posted November 21, 2015
you just can't help yourself! get some sleep. you sound over-tired.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted November 21, 2015
Truth be told, I am somewhat tired. You are very insightful.

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Des would have you know...

Posted November 21, 2015
p.s, my learned friend, a funny thing happened last time i dared poke my head up here....although i was merely bemused by the experience, several refuseniks within your ranks contacted me via Facebook to offer me their sympathy, and vent their dislike for the beta jock atmosphere created by certain parties. and only today i stumbled across a thread on another persons personal blog, where a few posts, and the threads thereafter concerned the same emergent problem, and half a dozen burgers were likewise bemused as i was and am. food for thought, counsellor

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted November 21, 2015
Okay, if you are creating a personae, then your last comment was hilarious. The idea that there are dissident Burgers who secretly contact you to offer support is simply hilarious.

Des ducks in to say...

Posted November 21, 2015
all true. including two women who i'm sure you have had dealings with on this thread. it was funny.

Des swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
actually i meant on this site...not this particular thread...this was at least 2.5 years ago...i believe they have abandoned ship. surely remember those unhappy ladies.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted November 21, 2015
I mean it. I accept as truth that there are people who regularly post here - including "two women" - who contacted you on Facebook to express solidarity and support for your views.

Des ducks in to say...

Posted November 21, 2015
i doubt if they left because of me...as i understand it they felt bullied, verbally abused, and ostracised. by way of contradistinction, i remain bemused, and yes, now amused. i must be bored. i must get back to preparing a trial(attempt at empathy)...you know the procrastination problem, i am sure.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted November 21, 2015
Oh, I see... these women left here because they agreed with your
opinions about this place. What a pity. I view this as a welcoming
place. More or less. After all, for a very long time even Dino was
welcomed. The Boss bent over backwards for the guy. Hell, this place has tolerated me for years and years. And I can be a real asshole.

If I had to guess I would guess you are quite popular with the ladies. Chicks dig outspoken rebel types who speak truth to power.

Des puts forth...

Posted November 21, 2015
you will be relieved to know that another party, a male person, who also contacted me, is still hanging in there on this thread, and, if i may say so, often comes off as the voice of reason. i doubt if he feels bullied. it may be a gender thing?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
Don't get me wrong: I fully accept that, in addition to women, there are also men who support and agree with you. Probably more than I imagine.

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Des has opinions thus...

Posted November 21, 2015
sure...chicks dig me.

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
Des, you should talk to Cindy-Lou. She is fascinating. You two should really get on.

Des puts forth...

Posted November 21, 2015
Sure. i like to get to know fascinating people. i'm very friendly when i want to be.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted November 22, 2015
A match made in heaven, Sleepless One.

w from brisbane mumbles...

Posted November 22, 2015
Des, weren't you going to see us again in three years?

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted November 22, 2015
Do you have an alcoholic dog?

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted November 22, 2015
Well Des, after popping in just to tell us that you knew better, and besides, unlike us, you were JB's special friend, Paul decided to throw a little bit of burley in the water. I must say, it didn't take much. The fish was quickly hooked, reeled in, and is now flopping around on the deck of the boat.

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted November 22, 2015
In your absence things have changed a little. While we may still bang on about military/political matters we have diversified. We now, in attempt to broaden our appeal, have an active Snark Fanciers subgroup. We trade tips on grooming, training and similar.

insomniac would have you know...

Posted November 22, 2015
Cindy-Lou is very well regarded around here, and is certainly not the object of derision by "Boylan", if indeed that is his real name, and my good self. I was merely trying to find out what, if anything, you two had in common, and it appears that as far as pets go, you don't.

Des has opinions thus...

Posted November 22, 2015
My apologies. for the record, i have a sturdy bluey called Panda, and i trust he doesn't inhale, but certainly not a drinker.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted November 21, 2015
I'm sorry, mate, but I really have to go. There is something on television about monkeys.

Des swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 21, 2015
i'll let that one go through to the 'keeper. enjoy!

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NBlob reckons...

Posted November 21, 2015
Monkeys? On television? See this is why They hate you Americans, with you collagen implants, 50 brands of candy, SUVs & now, of all things, monkeys on fricken television. Next you'll be skiting about ugly "Still life with pear" paintings on the walls of your comfortable ranch style homes.

Barnesm reckons...

Posted November 21, 2015
But to be fair we haven't reached the nadir of human civilisation until we have googlebox the TV show watching people watching the show with monkey's on it.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 22, 2015
I must confess it was The Man in the High Castle and Jessica Jones
that drew me away at that moment. But something on the telly about
monkeys would have done it, too. Monkeys are endlessly fascinating.

I
consider NBlob's side comment about "Still life with pear" paintings a
low blow even for him. He has been a guest in my comfortable ranch
style home and knows I have Still Life with Pear paintings on every wall
in every room. What of it? I can put what I want on my walls. Who
cares if it is the same painting? I happen to like that painting.
Looking at it takes me to another world, a world without politics or
pain or terrorist bombings. A world with pears. And the possibility of
the occasional orange.

NBlob would have you know...

Posted November 22, 2015
There are no oranges. Only a SJW with unresolved protoMarxist ideologies would cling to such an outdated idea. Californian fixations with citrus are like so 1930's.

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Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted November 22, 2015
I'm sorry . . . who the fuck is Des and why should I care?

NBlob asserts...

Posted November 22, 2015
You may know him by his other names, Des Cartes, Structable, & Alination. Yeah, sorry.

Des mutters...

Posted November 22, 2015
you don't remember me, old son? you were really pissed off at me a couple of years ago. you might have even had a violent fantasy about the things you wanted to do to me....so thats who i am. and should you care? give it a go. we might get on fine. i will try to care about you, and i will even endorse the gist of what you said earlier about a plan to resolve Syria...i note that you did not advocate, as your masters have, the immediate removal of Assad. you have evolved.

Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 22, 2015
Must not have been too violent. I have zero fucks to give about you.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted November 22, 2015
"i don't want to rile you."

Sure you do. That's your primary motive here. You seek reaction to fuel further fake conflict.

Believe me, we've been there, done that, and have learned to ignore it.

Murphy_of_Missouri would have you know...

Posted November 22, 2015
Well, at least I didn't disemvowel him.

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w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted November 22, 2015
As a general observation, it's great if you are in a movie, chomping on a cigar while in a field tent, otherwise I think 'boots on the ground' is an expression best avoided and should be replaced by referring to the people in the boots.

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Des would have you know...

Posted November 22, 2015
hit the Ton!

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It's been too long.

Posted October 27, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Zombie Instrument.

Yeah, yeah. So a fan fave got possibly might've got chomped on The Walking Dead. Big deal. It's make believe, people. We have the real thing to deal with now and nobody is even paying attention. If you are as well informed on zombie news as me, which you're not, because that would be impossible, you would know that the undead uprising is already upon us.

The recent report of a crazed airline passenger biting another passenger and then 'dying' – i.e., being put down by the business class passengers because they were the only ones with steel cutlery to stab the bitey fiend in the head – was tellingly short on details.

What happened to all of the economy class passengers, for instance? Did we hear of them again? No, we didn't, because they've been fed into high temperature industrial incinerators by the CDC. Big mistake, CDC. Thanks for filling our lungs with zombie smoke.

At Blunty.

9 Responses to ‘It's been too long. ’

Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted October 27, 2015
Forget Zed 'cos Zed's dead. But self-warming sausage rolls from outer space? That is magnificent.

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AKM. mutters...

Posted October 27, 2015
The shotgun is still available, at least for the moment. I know those extra couple of rounds would make all the different when the Ipswitch ZomHorde descends and tries to give you an oral pedicure, but for the nonce, you can still purchase the Lesser Adler.......better than a pointed stick.

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insomniac mutters...

Posted October 27, 2015
Do your new plans include a stash of the food of the gods: bacon, and it's almost equally delicious cousin: ham? Could it be used as a weapon against the Zed given the so-called "advice" provided by the WHO overnight? Feed the Zed enough and you may just bring them down with bowel cancer. Sure, you'd be playing the long game, but it may just work.

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Quokka puts forth...

Posted October 27, 2015
My plan is simple. I will throw Barnaby Joyce & both Katters to Zed & wait for them to keel over with pancreatic cancer from ingesting all the nitrates they've sucked in from a lifetime of processed pig, three times a day.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon would have you know...

Posted October 27, 2015
Zombie hordes are a thing of the past. These days they will all be pre-occupied with their own digital gadgets trying to ape taking selfies with dead phones. If a z does take you by surprise whip out your phone and pretend to take a pic or better yet hand it a thin stick and it will be distracted trying to figure out how to attach its own device to the end of it.
At the start whilst phone batteries last can you use tinder or something to see how close everyone is around you? (definitely not for . . . you know . . . hooking up with any available z's)

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Murphy_of_Missouri mutters...

Posted October 27, 2015
Wouldn't you just get those dozer blades they used for the hedgerow country of Normandy and just plow through the hordes? Once they've been kneecapped it should be a simple matter of walking in with some sledgehammer wielding Mormons to finish them off.

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GhostSwirv has opinions thus...

Posted October 28, 2015

Yeah, but you could probably kneecap him with a Rhinestone.

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Halwes mutters...

Posted October 28, 2015
Sorry. Off topic again but if any of you Brisbanites can get to see Fleetwood Mac you should go. Saw them in Sydney and they were fantastic. Sure it was nostalgic and sure everyone is over 60 but they rocked the arena big time.

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The coffee table incident.

Posted October 20, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Tony Abbott just keeps on giving, doesn't he.

At Blunty.

This is not the first coffee table destroyed by vandalous shenanigans. I have seen things, my friends. Terrible things.

I feel for the staff of the Department of Parliamentary Services, for I too have lost a much-loved coffee table.

2 Responses to ‘The coffee table incident. ’

pitpat mumbles...

Posted October 20, 2015

There were some that doubted Tones comedic acting ability but I think people should always be judged by their actions and in this respect there surely can be no greater performer in pantheon of political comedy than TA. When compared against his cohort we find both Julia and Kevin and now Malcolm ( whom we can only hope is in the middle) are mere actors playing their parts, bowing politely to mute applause whereas TA seems to live the role, become the stereotype and because of this I can see no dip in performance quality even though he is given fewer chances to strut his stuff of the national or even International stage.

People of Warringah you need to encourage TA not to give up, to keep striving, to be the best he can be. Remember Dame Edna would never have risen so high had it not been for the support of Moonee Ponds.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted October 26, 2015
I just checked and learned that the Brisbane Times rejected the following comment to this Blunty:

"It is well-known in German political circles that Angela Merkel injured her back when she attempted to dance the "Amourösen Huhn-Tanz" (a lively German folk dance that originated in the Duchy of Swabia) on a Hepplewhite console table after drinking a bit too much Jagermeister to celebrate her victory during the 2005 federal elections.

"Perhaps this sort of thing is fairly common among politicians."

I felt the comment was fair and balanced reporting of some very relevant fake history.

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Pour one out for Sam. And Keith

Posted October 13, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From Blunty.

"People die. They leave us behind. They go when they’re old, when they’re young, whether they’re loved or alone. Sometimes you see it coming. Sometimes you don’t. I was driving home from the hospital yesterday when I heard about Sam de Brito. I was a little sad because I’d come from visiting another mate who’ll struggle to stay with us much longer. Keith was a good man who lived a hard life and it’s finally caught up with him. His leaving us will be sad, but it will not come as a surprise. Not like Sam..."

I went on to share a few thoughts about Sam because we shared a lot of readers and people shuld stop and think about these things when they happen. There'll be fewer of us stopping and thinking about my mate Keith when finally kicks off. But he was a good bloke and he deserves some time spent remembering him too.

3 Responses to ‘Pour one out for Sam. And Keith’

Dave W has opinions thus...

Posted October 13, 2015
Very true, and we take a moment to stop, think, remember and smile.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 13, 2015
In the final analysis, none of us could hope for more. And I do sincerely mean that. I'll pour one out for both and hope I warrant the same when the time comes.

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Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted October 14, 2015
Sorry to hear about your friends, JB. That's rough.xxx

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The Magpie War

Posted September 22, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

My neighbours have feeding magpies, probably to open a second front after they unleashed legions of scrub turkeys on my back yard.

They went away recently and the stupid birds turned up on my back deck demanding a feed. When it wasn't forthcoming, they invaded. Every day now I have to drive them from the house.

Details at Blunty.

16 Responses to ‘The Magpie War’

insomniac mutters...

Posted September 22, 2015
Recent research has pointed to a magpie remembering a person's behaviour towards said magpie for a period of up to 5 years, and as such attacking that person again and again until they submit or move to another state, so flashing your pink sword at the invaders will not help your cause one iota.
On a related note, when I put old bread out for the birds, it is the rosellas and cockatoos that get dibs, while the magpies and Indian mynas are forced to stalk the feeding flock, walking around and around hoping for a loose crumb or two. So in the spirit of ecological meddling by scientists, or indeed the old lady who swallowed a fly, what you need is a flock of cockatoos.

Naughty Peanut has opinions thus...

Posted September 22, 2015
So, you're saying a flock of cocks beats a pink sword?

dweeze mutters...

Posted September 23, 2015
Try beating your pink sword in Oxford St and you may just end up with a flock of cocks.

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Bangar ducks in to say...

Posted September 22, 2015
Well what can I say, I have chooks the only birds stupid enough to try for a feed are little sparrows and pigeons, for some reason the pigeons have stopped visiting tactics taken from ancient wars "may" have been involved.I have never seen one of the smarter birds trap themselves inside a one way enclosure.

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dweeze mumbles...

Posted September 23, 2015
Natural nature is dirty, messy and smells funky. Human nature is ditry, messy and very funky which is why the civilised world invented concrete, plastic and antiseptic arse wipes.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon is gonna tell you...

Posted September 23, 2015
I live in contentment with my magpie overlords. We are in agreement: i don't feed them, they don't get cranky when their food source goes on holidays.

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insomniac reckons...

Posted September 23, 2015
Have you tried talking to them? There is a poem by Dennis Glover called The Magpies. Basically you need to start out by saying "quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle".

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 23, 2015
All kidding aside, are magpie's edible?

I will never forget the supreme disappointment I experienced when I learned that bush turkeys can't be cooked in any manner that will render them edible. Are you laughing, God? Sick bastard. A bird that big, that plentiful, that stupid and you can't eat it. That aint right.

insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 23, 2015
Apparently the answer is yes.

Bangar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 23, 2015
I believe the bush turkey recipe involves a rock ...

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted September 23, 2015
I've seen duck, chickens, ostriches & emu farmed. I wonder about Moa.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted September 24, 2015
Moa? I thought they were eaten into extinction.

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted September 24, 2015
For cooking techniques, maybe we can look to Iceland where smoked Puffin breast remains a favourite. As a matter of general interest, the modern Icelander also enjoys minke whale served as kebabs, in steak form, seared like tuna etc.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted September 25, 2015
Whale be good eatin. But best when eaten live.

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David Sher has opinions thus...

Posted October 9, 2015
Have the magpies drawn blood yet? I was once told by someone who used to be a friend that they prefer to attack visitors because they do like the taste of beer in the locks' blood. Possibly this means you are safe.

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A history teacher retires

Posted September 8, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From the Instrument.

There was a time I could make 50 cents go a long way. A bag of 25 cobbers. Or five potato scallops from the Greek seafood place. Or a whole heap of second-hand comics. Back then 50 cents was the high rollers' coin. Pimp money. That coin had real weight and presence. It gave a man … options.

I was thrilled to find I'd come into a lazy 50 at the end of my first year of high school, taped to a greeting, card by my home room teacher, a young and long-haired cove with an impish smile and an unrivalled back catalogue of bell-bottomed pants. I swear he had every pair that survived the great hippy purge at the end of the 1970s.

You know where to get the rest.

4 Responses to ‘A history teacher retires’

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted September 8, 2015
My equivalents are STEM teachers, science mostly. At 15 the teacher wrote a thermodynamics equation on the board, something like HX = EX where X is the same but H and E are different. He was as confused as fuck, but now I can explain what all of that means and write a proof for it as well.

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Murphy_of_Missouri asserts...

Posted September 9, 2015
My history teachers in high school were all coaches and not worth a damn. Like Insomniac, the better teachers in high school were all science teachers.
Regardless of subject, fortunate is the one who gets an excellent teacher at least once in their lives.

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Lulu mumbles...

Posted September 9, 2015
I had an English teacher like that for 2 years, when I was 13 & 14. He was also the school's junior rugby coach, and English lessons often included discussions of scores, games, suggested dirty tactics for the scrum, etc. Despite that, both boys & girls thought he was an great teacher. He frequently taught us the same material as his senior classes, so we ended up with excellent grammar and a rather closer acquaintance with the works of Jorge Luis Borges than is usually expected from 13-year-olds.

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Brother PorkChop swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 9, 2015
I had a wonderful relief teacher in the 70s at primary school called Mr Cravola. I would guess he has passed on by now but I remember his lessons - he taught us Latin, not so much the Latin itself but the origin of words and how you could break them down and figure out the meaning.He also taught art which I usually hated but with him, it was different. I know we spent one whole period learning how to draw a circle or an oval. He was in my opinion quite amazing.I had an English teacher at high school that spent 2 periods of English discussing with us in grade 9 the meaning, origins and use of the word "fuck". His name was Victor Vladimir Illich and he named named by his commies under bed parents after a Sov. Interesting man with a great teaching style.

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