Cheeseburger Gothic

It's been too long.

Posted October 27, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Zombie Instrument.

Yeah, yeah. So a fan fave got possibly might've got chomped on The Walking Dead. Big deal. It's make believe, people. We have the real thing to deal with now and nobody is even paying attention. If you are as well informed on zombie news as me, which you're not, because that would be impossible, you would know that the undead uprising is already upon us.

The recent report of a crazed airline passenger biting another passenger and then 'dying' – i.e., being put down by the business class passengers because they were the only ones with steel cutlery to stab the bitey fiend in the head – was tellingly short on details.

What happened to all of the economy class passengers, for instance? Did we hear of them again? No, we didn't, because they've been fed into high temperature industrial incinerators by the CDC. Big mistake, CDC. Thanks for filling our lungs with zombie smoke.

At Blunty.

9 Responses to ‘It's been too long. ’

Therbs would have you know...

Posted October 27, 2015
Forget Zed 'cos Zed's dead. But self-warming sausage rolls from outer space? That is magnificent.

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AKM. asserts...

Posted October 27, 2015
The shotgun is still available, at least for the moment. I know those extra couple of rounds would make all the different when the Ipswitch ZomHorde descends and tries to give you an oral pedicure, but for the nonce, you can still purchase the Lesser Adler.......better than a pointed stick.

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 27, 2015
Do your new plans include a stash of the food of the gods: bacon, and it's almost equally delicious cousin: ham? Could it be used as a weapon against the Zed given the so-called "advice" provided by the WHO overnight? Feed the Zed enough and you may just bring them down with bowel cancer. Sure, you'd be playing the long game, but it may just work.

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Quokka ducks in to say...

Posted October 27, 2015
My plan is simple. I will throw Barnaby Joyce & both Katters to Zed & wait for them to keel over with pancreatic cancer from ingesting all the nitrates they've sucked in from a lifetime of processed pig, three times a day.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon mutters...

Posted October 27, 2015
Zombie hordes are a thing of the past. These days they will all be pre-occupied with their own digital gadgets trying to ape taking selfies with dead phones. If a z does take you by surprise whip out your phone and pretend to take a pic or better yet hand it a thin stick and it will be distracted trying to figure out how to attach its own device to the end of it.
At the start whilst phone batteries last can you use tinder or something to see how close everyone is around you? (definitely not for . . . you know . . . hooking up with any available z's)

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Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted October 27, 2015
Wouldn't you just get those dozer blades they used for the hedgerow country of Normandy and just plow through the hordes? Once they've been kneecapped it should be a simple matter of walking in with some sledgehammer wielding Mormons to finish them off.

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GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted October 28, 2015

Yeah, but you could probably kneecap him with a Rhinestone.

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Halwes puts forth...

Posted October 28, 2015
Sorry. Off topic again but if any of you Brisbanites can get to see Fleetwood Mac you should go. Saw them in Sydney and they were fantastic. Sure it was nostalgic and sure everyone is over 60 but they rocked the arena big time.

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The coffee table incident.

Posted October 20, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

Tony Abbott just keeps on giving, doesn't he.

At Blunty.

This is not the first coffee table destroyed by vandalous shenanigans. I have seen things, my friends. Terrible things.

I feel for the staff of the Department of Parliamentary Services, for I too have lost a much-loved coffee table.

2 Responses to ‘The coffee table incident. ’

pitpat mutters...

Posted October 20, 2015

There were some that doubted Tones comedic acting ability but I think people should always be judged by their actions and in this respect there surely can be no greater performer in pantheon of political comedy than TA. When compared against his cohort we find both Julia and Kevin and now Malcolm ( whom we can only hope is in the middle) are mere actors playing their parts, bowing politely to mute applause whereas TA seems to live the role, become the stereotype and because of this I can see no dip in performance quality even though he is given fewer chances to strut his stuff of the national or even International stage.

People of Warringah you need to encourage TA not to give up, to keep striving, to be the best he can be. Remember Dame Edna would never have risen so high had it not been for the support of Moonee Ponds.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted October 26, 2015
I just checked and learned that the Brisbane Times rejected the following comment to this Blunty:

"It is well-known in German political circles that Angela Merkel injured her back when she attempted to dance the "Amourösen Huhn-Tanz" (a lively German folk dance that originated in the Duchy of Swabia) on a Hepplewhite console table after drinking a bit too much Jagermeister to celebrate her victory during the 2005 federal elections.

"Perhaps this sort of thing is fairly common among politicians."

I felt the comment was fair and balanced reporting of some very relevant fake history.

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Pour one out for Sam. And Keith

Posted October 13, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From Blunty.

"People die. They leave us behind. They go when they’re old, when they’re young, whether they’re loved or alone. Sometimes you see it coming. Sometimes you don’t. I was driving home from the hospital yesterday when I heard about Sam de Brito. I was a little sad because I’d come from visiting another mate who’ll struggle to stay with us much longer. Keith was a good man who lived a hard life and it’s finally caught up with him. His leaving us will be sad, but it will not come as a surprise. Not like Sam..."

I went on to share a few thoughts about Sam because we shared a lot of readers and people shuld stop and think about these things when they happen. There'll be fewer of us stopping and thinking about my mate Keith when finally kicks off. But he was a good bloke and he deserves some time spent remembering him too.

3 Responses to ‘Pour one out for Sam. And Keith’

Dave W reckons...

Posted October 13, 2015
Very true, and we take a moment to stop, think, remember and smile.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted October 13, 2015
In the final analysis, none of us could hope for more. And I do sincerely mean that. I'll pour one out for both and hope I warrant the same when the time comes.

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Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted October 14, 2015
Sorry to hear about your friends, JB. That's rough.xxx

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The Magpie War

Posted September 22, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

My neighbours have feeding magpies, probably to open a second front after they unleashed legions of scrub turkeys on my back yard.

They went away recently and the stupid birds turned up on my back deck demanding a feed. When it wasn't forthcoming, they invaded. Every day now I have to drive them from the house.

Details at Blunty.

16 Responses to ‘The Magpie War’

insomniac would have you know...

Posted September 22, 2015
Recent research has pointed to a magpie remembering a person's behaviour towards said magpie for a period of up to 5 years, and as such attacking that person again and again until they submit or move to another state, so flashing your pink sword at the invaders will not help your cause one iota.
On a related note, when I put old bread out for the birds, it is the rosellas and cockatoos that get dibs, while the magpies and Indian mynas are forced to stalk the feeding flock, walking around and around hoping for a loose crumb or two. So in the spirit of ecological meddling by scientists, or indeed the old lady who swallowed a fly, what you need is a flock of cockatoos.

Naughty Peanut puts forth...

Posted September 22, 2015
So, you're saying a flock of cocks beats a pink sword?

dweeze swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 23, 2015
Try beating your pink sword in Oxford St and you may just end up with a flock of cocks.

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Bangar mutters...

Posted September 22, 2015
Well what can I say, I have chooks the only birds stupid enough to try for a feed are little sparrows and pigeons, for some reason the pigeons have stopped visiting tactics taken from ancient wars "may" have been involved.I have never seen one of the smarter birds trap themselves inside a one way enclosure.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 23, 2015
John, why do you hate nature?

dweeze ducks in to say...

Posted September 23, 2015
Natural nature is dirty, messy and smells funky. Human nature is ditry, messy and very funky which is why the civilised world invented concrete, plastic and antiseptic arse wipes.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon ducks in to say...

Posted September 23, 2015
I live in contentment with my magpie overlords. We are in agreement: i don't feed them, they don't get cranky when their food source goes on holidays.

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insomniac reckons...

Posted September 23, 2015
Have you tried talking to them? There is a poem by Dennis Glover called The Magpies. Basically you need to start out by saying "quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle".

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted September 23, 2015
All kidding aside, are magpie's edible?

I will never forget the supreme disappointment I experienced when I learned that bush turkeys can't be cooked in any manner that will render them edible. Are you laughing, God? Sick bastard. A bird that big, that plentiful, that stupid and you can't eat it. That aint right.

insomniac asserts...

Posted September 23, 2015
Apparently the answer is yes.

Bangar is gonna tell you...

Posted September 23, 2015
I believe the bush turkey recipe involves a rock ...

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted September 23, 2015
I've seen duck, chickens, ostriches & emu farmed. I wonder about Moa.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted September 24, 2015
Moa? I thought they were eaten into extinction.

w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted September 24, 2015
For cooking techniques, maybe we can look to Iceland where smoked Puffin breast remains a favourite. As a matter of general interest, the modern Icelander also enjoys minke whale served as kebabs, in steak form, seared like tuna etc.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted September 25, 2015
Whale be good eatin. But best when eaten live.

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David Sher mumbles...

Posted October 9, 2015
Have the magpies drawn blood yet? I was once told by someone who used to be a friend that they prefer to attack visitors because they do like the taste of beer in the locks' blood. Possibly this means you are safe.

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A history teacher retires

Posted September 8, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From the Instrument.

There was a time I could make 50 cents go a long way. A bag of 25 cobbers. Or five potato scallops from the Greek seafood place. Or a whole heap of second-hand comics. Back then 50 cents was the high rollers' coin. Pimp money. That coin had real weight and presence. It gave a man … options.

I was thrilled to find I'd come into a lazy 50 at the end of my first year of high school, taped to a greeting, card by my home room teacher, a young and long-haired cove with an impish smile and an unrivalled back catalogue of bell-bottomed pants. I swear he had every pair that survived the great hippy purge at the end of the 1970s.

You know where to get the rest.

4 Responses to ‘A history teacher retires’

insomniac mumbles...

Posted September 8, 2015
My equivalents are STEM teachers, science mostly. At 15 the teacher wrote a thermodynamics equation on the board, something like HX = EX where X is the same but H and E are different. He was as confused as fuck, but now I can explain what all of that means and write a proof for it as well.

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Murphy_of_Missouri ducks in to say...

Posted September 9, 2015
My history teachers in high school were all coaches and not worth a damn. Like Insomniac, the better teachers in high school were all science teachers.
Regardless of subject, fortunate is the one who gets an excellent teacher at least once in their lives.

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Lulu is gonna tell you...

Posted September 9, 2015
I had an English teacher like that for 2 years, when I was 13 & 14. He was also the school's junior rugby coach, and English lessons often included discussions of scores, games, suggested dirty tactics for the scrum, etc. Despite that, both boys & girls thought he was an great teacher. He frequently taught us the same material as his senior classes, so we ended up with excellent grammar and a rather closer acquaintance with the works of Jorge Luis Borges than is usually expected from 13-year-olds.

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Brother PorkChop mutters...

Posted September 9, 2015
I had a wonderful relief teacher in the 70s at primary school called Mr Cravola. I would guess he has passed on by now but I remember his lessons - he taught us Latin, not so much the Latin itself but the origin of words and how you could break them down and figure out the meaning.He also taught art which I usually hated but with him, it was different. I know we spent one whole period learning how to draw a circle or an oval. He was in my opinion quite amazing.I had an English teacher at high school that spent 2 periods of English discussing with us in grade 9 the meaning, origins and use of the word "fuck". His name was Victor Vladimir Illich and he named named by his commies under bed parents after a Sov. Interesting man with a great teaching style.

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A Special Offer from Nigeria

Posted September 1, 2015 into Blunty by John Birmingham

From: Jbimba Jbirming'm Lagos-Nigeria Tel: 234-80-34069502

VITAL CORRESPONDENCE FOR MR DYSON HEYDON

Dear Sir

This letter is not intended to cause any of the embarrassment but just to contact your esteemed self – following upon my recent knowledge of your high repute and trustworthiness.

Advertisement

I am Jbimba Jbirming'm, the son of the late Nigerian Head of State who sadly died of fatal reasons on the 8th of June 2015. You are being the fine fellow about whom so much is being said on the Internet and satellite news channels which we get here in Lagos when the weather is fine. I am pleased sir, to make the acquaintance of another as well known, esteemed and I must presume as wealthy as myself.

If you are conversant with world news, you will understand better that I got your contacts through my personal research and diligence on the internet where so many people speak so highly and so much of you as a man with excellent contacts.

More at Blunty, upon receipt of your credit card details...

15 Responses to ‘A Special Offer from Nigeria’

Dave W puts forth...

Posted September 1, 2015
I received one of these as well, but then I forgot about it, and I didn't think it was important enough to worry about it, and then when I was reminded, I didn't think that I should worry about the attachments. Finally, when I was reminded about the attachments I cancelled the order, but was insulted that anyone would think that I had done that because of any risk of my decision-making being questioned. How dare they?

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insomniac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 1, 2015
I am very much interesting in you offer, but I has been dialling the telephony conveyance number provided by you, and there is no answer. Please be telling me how I may be contacting your good self for me to taking advantage of you wonderful offer.

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted September 1, 2015

I am truly excited by this wonderful opportunity from such a fine individual as yourself. I believe my church can be of assistance in this matter. My church however restricts its financial transactions to those who belong to the church.

If you are interested in becoming a member of our church please provide a photograph of yourself holding a sign with the message,

" TO NY ABBOTIS AWAN K BAD GER"

Also please provide a carving of a black necked spitting cobra which will become a symbol of your branch of our church.

Yours in anticipation

Rev Therbs,

Doshmaster

Church of The Holy Pocket



Lulu asserts...

Posted September 1, 2015
Rev Therbs, I have a picture with a poster saying "PY NEIS A CO CKS NAP". Does that meet your requirements?


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GhostSwirv would have you know...

Posted September 1, 2015
Dear Jbimba Jbirming'm,Sir, it has been brought to our attention, (via rigorous, enthusiastic forensic investigation of the Opposition, sic; Fairfax) that you have been in direct digital contact with 'our man', the Honourable Dyson Heydon.

After consultations with our respected Donor Contact list and esteemed Legal Advisors we want you to cease and desist any further procurement of the services of 'our man', as he cannot be bought, coerced, compelled, dictated to, cajoled, inveigled and/or enticed into any activity not deemed to have passed muster under the relevant bylaws of the Fundraising Executive, which is totally not an arm of the LNP.

If you persist in attempting to gain a profit, advantage, upper-hand, eminence, superiority and/or leverage without our express permission and having registered a booking on the social events calendar we will be forced to take action in the court of public opinion - NewsCorp publications.

By the way what kind of a name is Jbimba, sounds like a made-up nom de plume, designed to obscure identify, not to provide clarity and circulation of the air.

Further contact on this matter should be directed to the Editor of The Australian - who would be able to offer impartial advice on this issue as you are clearly unaware of the intricacies of democracy and Ozcracy in particular.

President of the Fundraising Executive Sub-CommitteeNot of the LNPBut of Concerned Legal Citizens






dweeze would have you know...

Posted September 1, 2015
Mr/Mrs/Mx Esteemed President,
I should be liking to join your Not of the LNPButt Party. Pleas to be advising of wear I can deposit my winnings form defamation case with NewsCrap.
Dweeze NotOnBongo (JustYet).

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GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted September 1, 2015

Dear Dweeze,

One just doesn't ask to join the Not of the LNP Party, (insert Butt code-word here), one has to be invited after careful perusal of the facts of your financial and societal bona fides.

To expedite the process can you advise as to when you last made a North Shore deposit, no need to mention if any conversations took place with any Federal member.

Defamation cases are our pate de foie gras - we don't mind where the money stream is forthcoming, just as long as its not on our books.

The President



dweeze mutters...

Posted September 1, 2015
Viva El Presidente,

Please be forgiving me for not to understand your member ship process. Butt-kiss is not my firstest language.
I have been spent trillions in Monopoly, taken dumps in Roseville, and once spat at a Federale. Do this count?
I know a something about brown envelopes and bulges, if that be helping.

Yore Humboldt savant...
D.

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted September 1, 2015
Dear Mr Signor Dweeze,
Do not be putting your trusts in the man claiming to be the President of the Not of the LNP Butt Party. He is an imposter trying pull a SCAMP on you. He is merely the third cousin of the man whom picks up our droppings as we strut around the party room. I am not claiming to be the true el Presidente, but I do know him very well through my connections. I can of course verify this information for a small fee, which you can pay into our account at the Royal Bank of Columbia.
Your firend
Meister insomniac.

GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted September 1, 2015
Nein, nein, nein, 9 !!!!

Do not beliebe him mein GruppenFuhrer Dweeze ... I am ze reeellll Prezident!

All payments must to Argentina, not to those coffee fiends in Columbina!

dweeze reckons...

Posted September 1, 2015
Sirs,

You scamper's now have me more confused than a LGBTQIABCXYZ.

I have made consult with the oracle and under advice to send all assets to Mnsr. Jbirming'm immediate for safekeeping.

I have no trust in Colombos anyway. He looks shifty and ruffled.

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Halwes mumbles...

Posted September 1, 2015
More jihadist propaganda. You are really cruelling your chances at a lucrative Chritopher Pyne biography gig.I can imagine that you'd have to immerse yourself entirely in the subject to get the job done right though.

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ChrisB reckons...

Posted September 2, 2015
Y'all are too late, I already gave him all my information. My money is well on the way. See'ya suckers! I'm buying a Caddy for every day of the week!

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Brother PorkChop reckons...

Posted September 3, 2015
Helloooo Brother JBimba
Where's my fucking cut of all this you mangy son of a syphilitic camel shagging goat loving cheese boy?
Yours in Brotherly Love as usual
JBongoWTF!! JBongo. Mums gonna shit bricks Bru. Hows about some fush n chups tomozza night?

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WarDog has opinions thus...

Posted September 11, 2015

It's a shame he died from fatal reasons.

There's a cure for that now.

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