Three days I've been looking for it now, and I'm going to keep looking for it until I'm successful. I will play Sims 3 in the nude if it's the last thing I do. And by nude, I'm talking about my Sims of course, although... no promises. I blame Helen Razor for this. She it was who alerted me to the fact there was a software patch I could download to remove the annoying pixelation that blurred the screen around my little animated avatars as soon as the action turned raunchy.
It does sort of raise a question though, don't you think? (No, not about me. Like most men I'm simply a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body. There’s just something totally kickin’ about building your own dyke and sending her out into the digital realm to see if she can score any, ahem, digital action.)
I made first pixel dyke many years ago on the last iteration of the Sims. In those days your Sim’s outside life was something of a mystery. They had jobs to which they would disappear for hours a day, but you only ever got to see them in the three-walled cartoon house which you built, kitted out and decorated on their behalf.
I didn’t intend my little Sim to become a rug munching sapphite, you understand. Like a letter to the editors of Penthouse, “I never thought it would happen to me, but…”
A flatmate moved in. An admittedly smokin’ hot young flatmate who just loved to spend her time lounging around in the hot tub, and working out on the home gym, and dancing in her undies around the kitchen.
And well, her bed was only a single. And my sexy little lady Sim had that big double. And they did so enjoy each other’s company, and it seemed, you know, natural.
Unfortunately, they’re a censorious lot, games developers, and inevitably no sooner have you convinced some piece of fluff to give it up for you than some gratuitous cut scene appears in which all of the action occurs off screen, or worse, behind an impenetrable wall of dancing pixels.
It’s odd, that having allowed us the latitude of choosing a character’s sexuality, that the game industry then squibs it by reverting to a 1950s sensibility when it comes to actual on screen action. This is particularly so given the loving detail they lavish on in-game violence, with some RPGs and shooters investing thousands of hours of developer time to make certain that having targeted the head of some raging mutant with your overpowered supergun, you get to enjoy every second of slow motion carnage as blood, brain tissue and bone shards describe beautiful cinematic arcs all over your screen.
Now, I got no problem with game violence.
But if it’s fine for me to play a character like GTA 4's Nico Bellic as a violent, cold blooded psychopath who’ll think nothing of turning a grenade launcher on an old lady for a few giggles – and it is pretty funny– why is not okay for me to see what happens when Nico finally beds his whiny girlfriend Michelle? From the sounds of her off screen enthusiasm, our boy Nico knows his business. But unless his business involves caving in someone’s skull with a baseball bat, or crushing them under the wheels of a stolen car, we don’t see squat.
Something has gone seriously wrong with our censorship system when I can play a computer generated character who’ll murder you in cold blood and graphic detail, but who can’t even cop a lousy blowjob without the camera looking away or a pixel swarm suddenly swooping down.
Given the popularity of game based amateur sex vids on sites like YouTube (go on, do a quick search for lesbian sims, right now) there is a, uh, swelling interest, in game based erotica, but because of a handful of judgmental, censorious nimrods, and the jelly backed politicians who listen to them, I fear my digital dykes are going to be forever coy.