Cheeseburger Gothic

Outstanding achievement in the field of laziness

Posted January 13, 2015 into Funny by John Birmingham

From my twitter feed this morning. I am in awe.

12 Responses to ‘Outstanding achievement in the field of laziness’

Barnesm ducks in to say...

Posted January 13, 2015

"Outstanding excellence in the field of excellence". Best I can offer in my own experience is whenever I use the microwave and it needs to be heated for 2minutes I hit 2:22, if its 2mins 3:33 etc just so I don't have tomove my finger.


Dave W reckons...

Posted January 13, 2015

Pshaw. That's nothing. You do have to move your finger. 2:22 then start.


I'm all over that sh!t. Instant cook times two if it's a one minute IC machine. ICx4 for a 30 sec machine.


Pwned, I believe, is the expression that the kids use.

insomniac reckons...

Posted January 13, 2015
I agree Dave W. I'm not sure I could operate any other function of our microwave, other than "cancel". Our instant cook button goes 15, 30, 60 & 120, so for 90 seconds I need to cancel which is more efficient than a 60s cook + a 30s cook.

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pi mutters...

Posted January 13, 2015
That's gold.

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Chaz reckons...

Posted January 13, 2015
it would be really, really cool if the vessel in question was a CVN

schlepstar is gonna tell you...

Posted January 13, 2015
Especially if this maneuver redirected the whole carrier group

damian ducks in to say...

Posted January 13, 2015
Or (obviously not on a CVN) a large Atlantic convoy circa 1917-18 or 1939-45.

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WA n'ker puts forth...

Posted January 13, 2015
Reminds me of loyd bridges turning the carrier around to retrieve his hat in Hot Shots. (Or was it part deux?)

Nocturnalist asserts...

Posted January 13, 2015
Apparently during the shooting of Top Gun Don Simpson asked the skipper of the ship they were on if he could quickly just turn the boat around because the shot would be better with the shadows falling the other way. It was explained to him that this would cost tens of thousands of dollars and take a day.

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Sparty swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted January 13, 2015

During the filming, Tony Scott and his crew spent some days onboard
USS Enterprise to shoot aircraft as they landed and took off from the
aircraft carrier. Since the U.S. Navy’s flattop was on an operational
cruise, the crew had to film normal flight ops. However, Tony Scott
wanted to shoot flight deck activitiey with planes backlit from the sun.
So, when the ship changed course with a consequent change of the light,
Scott asked it the commanding officer could keep on the previous course
and speed for a little longer.

However, he was answered by the
commander that it would cost 25,000 USD to turn the ship, so he wrote
the aircraft carrier captain a check so that the ship could be turned on
the previous route for five more minutes thus giving him the
possibility to shoot under the desired lighting conditions for another
five minutes.

The footage was used during the movie’s stunning opening scene.

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Sparty reckons...

Posted January 13, 2015
Arse, Nocturnalist beat me to it!

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Eamon Hamilton has opinions thus...

Posted January 13, 2015
i once read a story about an RAF Navigator on a transport flight in South East Asia in the 1960s. He redirected the aircraft off its heading, the brought he aircraft back on it's original path. When the Captain asked what was going on, the Navigator said he was flying them around his coffee mug on the map.

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Cartoons paused at just the wrong moment

Posted December 17, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Because sometimes you just need a duck boner.

Or a child protection officer.

Or a cigarette and a beer.

More here.

15 Responses to ‘Cartoons paused at just the wrong moment’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted December 17, 2014
Fucking hilarious.

But it ruins my impression of Donald Duck.

Shifty Tourist swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 17, 2014
Its the look he is giving to the "camera" which sells it. looks like suggestive, raised eyebrow smirk.

insomniac mutters...

Posted December 17, 2014
What sort of impression do you have of DD that could be swayed in a negative direction given he struts around in public without pants?

Spanner reckons...

Posted December 17, 2014
A duck does it and nobody cares. I do it at work and HR gets involved. Blah blah inappropriate blah harassment blah offending the customers. There is no justice.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted December 17, 2014
Hahahahahahahaha!!! HA!

[the curmudgeon version of LOL]

Defender90 has opinions thus...

Posted December 18, 2014
Not only is he sans pants but he's a sailor and we all know they're filthy buggers, they go from port to port.

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted December 17, 2014
The ought to be a tumbler for these

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HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted December 17, 2014
aLWAYS L;OVEd pok e mONS. ...just sayin!

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted December 17, 2014
My wife, Lori, said:

"Is this John's work? Tell him I am sorely disappointed."

Wimmin....

Abe Frellman asserts...

Posted December 17, 2014
Did she not SEE the size of that thing's tongue??????

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pi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 18, 2014
OT :

I'm moving house. That means, of course, packing all of the earthly belongings to sit in boxes for a few months, to be unpacked at some time in the future when I've had a skin-full, and I need a bit of therapy.

But I want to take issue with something, JB, and I'm hoping you can help out. What the FUCK is up with different book sizes? We have standard alain keys, standard bed sizes, standard door sizes, hell, we even have standard fuckin condom sizes. So how the fuck, after a thousand years of producing the things, have we not come up with standard book sizes?

And it's some authors worst than most. Larry Niven? Boss. Roger Zelazny? Boss. Hey I understand it's not good to speak ill of the dead, but Iain Banks? Non-standard, every one.

But he pales in comparison to Neal Stephenson and William Gibson. What's up with these fuckin guys? It seems that every fuckin book they produce is a different size?!!?!?!

Do you guys consciously do this? Maybe Stephen Baxter said "can't be havin people getting confused in the book isle with that noob. Better mix it up a little."

So it means that, when I get to my destination, because they can't be placed in the boxes in alphabetical order, because they can't be packed in any order, they spend two months in a box until I finally get the nerve to sink a skin-full, and to crack open the box, and yet again, place the books all back in the book shelf. And then re-order them again.

Way to get people to use amazon JB.

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted December 18, 2014
As far as I know there are only three standard sizes. Hardback. Trade paperback and paperback. They address different markets. If you can't figure out which marketing pigeonhole you're supposed to be in I cannot help you.

Shifty Tourist ducks in to say...

Posted December 18, 2014

Pi, its a conspiracy I say.

The publishers are in bed with the brown cardboard box people. Authors, I take from JBs denial is clearly in on it. You see there is always extra, but unusable space, so an additional box is required. Leading to more box sales, which the box makers kick back to the publishers, which they use to pay they dues to the Illuminati (who use this money for their Pizza and six pack.... and world domination fund.

I say, wake up sheeple!!

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted December 18, 2014
And now you must die.

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Anthony would have you know...

Posted December 18, 2014

As someone who once wasted a year of their life working for a publisher there is (sort of) a rationale for some sizes. Manuals for example are usually standardised at US Letter size because they are frequently referred to.


Essentially though you are probably irritated with what's known as "trade size" - the larger paperbacks that won't fit on shelves. These are essentially the paperback version of the hardcover - same pagination and layout. That's what generally goes out for review purposes and thee days usually comes out at the same time as the hardcover.

It's also significantly more profitable than the normal paperback and if a book looks to be selling well in "trade" then the standard size may be "delayed" a while to take advantage of those buyers who purchase as soon as it comes out.

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Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail

Posted November 27, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Got this via Dee Madigan. It's pretty funny.

And yes, I haz interwebz again.

4 Responses to ‘Tony Abbott and the Holy Grail’

Spanner ducks in to say...

Posted November 27, 2014
I gigglesnorted at "It's and efficiency dividend"

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Bangar has opinions thus...

Posted November 27, 2014
I believe Mr Rabbit is trying to be a bigger prick than Howard, the sad thing is he's succeeding.

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John ducks in to say...

Posted November 27, 2014
Howard was in the business of winning elections. Abbott doesn't seem to care.

It's all about his team, which at this point is pretty much down to the coal industry and Andrew Bolt.

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GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted November 27, 2014
So when Arfur finally cuts off all of Tone's limbs I truly wonder whether the F35 will be able deliver the coconuts on target, or whether a European Tornado aircraft is best suited to our military needs?

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Ice Bucket Challenge Fails

Posted August 20, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I find this whole ice bucket meme incredibly stupid and can't wait for the episode of Silicon Valley which puts a bullet right through the heart of it.

Until then, I'll enjoy these diabolically funny ice bucket fuck ups.

23 Responses to ‘Ice Bucket Challenge Fails’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted August 20, 2014
It's funny because I don't know them.

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Murphy is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2014
#Iraiseyouricebucketchallengetoaduelwithpistolsatdawnonthefieldofhonor

#Murphyhasreallyannoyinghashtagsandmightbemissingthefuckingpoint

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Helena puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2014
hilarious!

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Wolfcat reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014
I think the planet needs an ice bucket challange from say Haley's Comet... that would fix a lot of issues.

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Dylwah is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2014
Don't drink and ice bucket kids.

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Bondiboy66 has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2014
My lack of faith in the human race has been reinforced.

As for ice bucket over the head? I say MEH. Especially as I swim each Sunday through winter, ocean pool and ocean, sans wetsuit. Last week, a toasty 14.5C in the water!

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Peter Bradley has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2014

Yes it is annoying but given it was originally designed to raise awareness for ALS it began well intentioned.

As with many well intentioned things the numpties got hold of it and ....well there you go!

Barnesm reckons...

Posted August 20, 2014
Your are correct Mr Bradley. I think is still is about that . Almost everywhere I have seen someone post about the ice bucket has included the link to the fund raising efforts to research diseases such as ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis). I am sorry if for some people are finding more intrusive than the unrequested posts that show up on twitter, facebook or other social media. It has raised quite a bit of cash for charity and I have found it more amusing than some of the other ways awareness can be raised.

At least a lot more people know about ALS now.

Some people can be so grouchy long before they are old enough to be screaming at those kids to get off their damn lawn.

Bunyip ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2014
@Barnesm Some people can be so grouchy long before they are old enough to be screaming at those kids to get off their damn lawn.

It would appear that my attempt at irony was a bit too cryptic.

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
I thought you WERE old enough ;)

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2014
I was more directing it at Brimo and Murph.

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2014
My lawn. Remove yourself.

Bunyip would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
@Barnesm I was more directing it at Brimo and Murph..

LOL. Our host is almost exactly (baring one week), one year younger than me. Murph is possibly beyond time and space, well at least as far as I know it.

Murphy puts forth...

Posted August 21, 2014
I have dog poop in my yard.

Watch yer step.

And yes, the poop is timeless.

Respects,
Murph
On the Outer Marches

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Bunyip would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2014
Add me to the WTF crowd.

Darn kids, spilling their ice water all over my lawn...

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damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2014
I dunno, I thought Bill Gates' one was pretty good. There's something about a 60ish billionaire staring into the camera as he tips the ice water over his head that gives a lot of confidence in the strength of his convictions.

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2014
Maybe strength of purpose is a better way to end that sentence... distracted and hurried :)

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w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2014
I wonder if anybody just went and tipped a bucket of ice water over themselves without filming it.
Unlikely, but I salute that person.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted August 21, 2014
I've done that on more than one occasion, but for reasons independent of any ALS awareness event.

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Therbs ducks in to say...

Posted August 22, 2014
I saw one on a football show last weekend which proved to me the whole thing is a bucket of arse. Doing stupid shit for charity? I forget which Brit comedian said it but he reckoned you can do anything and get away with it if its in the name of charity. Doesn't make it any less dumb.

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Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers

Posted May 29, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

Dateline. Brisbane.

A top level strike force has been set up to investigate the apparent disappearance of all news coverage of State of Origin north of the Tweed River. Queenslanders woke this morning to discover that newspapers and websites which had only yesterday been full to pussy’s bow with stories about the annual grudge match, were almost entirely bereft of any mention of the game, which happened last night according to sources close to the matter.

“I’ve never seen anything like it since the last time this happened,” said strike force commander Detective Inspector Bumper Cooley. “We’re obviously looking at some sort of fiendish and well organised criminal group, to sweep in and clean out the entire stock of local Origin news stories like they have. There can be no other explanation.”

Editors of the two largest local news outlets, The Courier Mail and Brisbanetimes, and executive producers of the state’s television news programs were as difficult to find for comment as the stories they were no longer running.

Jeppeson refused to say whether police were investigating a connection between the vanished news stories and the simultaneous disappearance of thousands of miles of maroon coloured bunting and Origin-related merchandising materials from the shopfronts of every business in the state capital.

Sources familiar with the investigation cnfirm that detectives are looking closely at a sudden upsurge in Origin related news stories in Sydney.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Wot don't we 'ave 'ere then?

13 Responses to ‘Breaking News. Police investigate disappearance of Origin coverage from Brisbane newspapers’

BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted May 29, 2014
Oh, I'm confident the coverage will turn up. Give it a few hours. Expect Da Premier to front a press conference today and declare that as part of his Government's ongoing commitment to cutbacks, the result of last night's game has been culled.

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insomniac mumbles...

Posted May 29, 2014
Not even stories involving confected outrage about those ultra-violent NSW barbarians committing grievous bodily harm to those poor QLD mungos?

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pitpat has opinions thus...

Posted May 29, 2014
Roger the dodger Rogerson should be extradited. I am sure he is behind it all. Him and that Abbott fellow probably. After all they are both from the arch robber baron state.

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Lobes mumbles...

Posted May 29, 2014
Saw this coming a mile away. QRL players and administrators have been strutting around all week with a massive sense of entitlement. NSW on the other hand lurched from crisis to crisis and were forced to focus on wringing as much as they could out of themselves.

If I was Qld I'd start by sacking Mal Meninga.

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pi reckons...

Posted May 29, 2014
QLD lost despite the best efforst of the refs in the final moments.

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Bedes ducks in to say...

Posted May 29, 2014

And as Queensland's finally fucked by light blue coloured queers,

Sydney bathes its morning erection with your maroon and salty tears.

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Therbs reckons...

Posted May 29, 2014

There's a definite link between NSW winning and my scoring a six pack of swing top Grolsch deliciousness. Also the Led Zep "Kashmir" intro would have helped.


Hey Bedes, you should join the Deaf Poets Society.

Billy the Deaf Poet mumbles...

Posted May 29, 2014

It is Spring, I can't hear the birds sing. Why?

"Is it because I am deaf? Or because there are no birds?

Or are they made of silent cold shattering crystal

Like the dildo clenched between my mother's teeth."

- Billy

Therbs asserts...

Posted May 29, 2014

I see ice dreams in spring's glittering thaw


Melting, running to your front door


Knocking, beseeching, alas, without hope


'Cos ya fkn deaf ya fkn dope


<EM>- valedictory poem for the Deaf Poets Class of 2013</EM>

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Chaz is gonna tell you...

Posted May 29, 2014

Wow who'd have think it. QLD was telling everyone they'd already won, and then they lost.....

They must have been taking training from Will Carling


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pete is gonna tell you...

Posted May 29, 2014
We have your shit down here boys, come and get it ... har har, bloody har

no offence ever intended ..

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Timmo swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 29, 2014
I think said disappearance may have been related to the marked absence of gloating, cheering and backslapping, along with the disappearance of maroon-themed t-shirts and memorabilia in my workplace as well. The blue has yet to make a solid appearance, due to a near-decade of abuse and disappointment.

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Nine Fingered Freak asserts...

Posted May 29, 2014
It rather bad when the Quartz is the only place you can find any origin news: http://qz.com/214611/its-not-a-man-bra-its-a-wearable-technology-optimization-device/

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Ominous sub editing fail of the day

Posted April 24, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

7 Responses to ‘Ominous sub editing fail of the day’

Dave W mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2014

One of those is clearly Knott coming. hahahahah, oh I'm so droll.

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Lulu ducks in to say...

Posted April 24, 2014

I blame winter.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted April 24, 2014

It goes without saying.

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Barnesm mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2014

Well its more accurate than most of the newspaper articles I have seen.

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Sudragon mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2014

Miricle Day? Already?

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Abe Frellman asserts...

Posted April 25, 2014

Surely the AFR gets the prize for WorldIsFukt?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/simoncrerar/newspaper-prints-world-is-fukt-on-front-page

If Chaz is reading, please grab me a hard copy and I'll pay you a tenner to hang onto it for me.

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