Cheeseburger Gothic

Ominous sub editing fail of the day

Posted April 24, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

7 Responses to ‘Ominous sub editing fail of the day’

Dave W is gonna tell you...

Posted April 24, 2014

One of those is clearly Knott coming. hahahahah, oh I'm so droll.

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Lulu swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 24, 2014

I blame winter.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2014

It goes without saying.

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Barnesm reckons...

Posted April 24, 2014

Well its more accurate than most of the newspaper articles I have seen.

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Sudragon asserts...

Posted April 24, 2014

Miricle Day? Already?

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Abe Frellman has opinions thus...

Posted April 25, 2014

Surely the AFR gets the prize for WorldIsFukt?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/simoncrerar/newspaper-prints-world-is-fukt-on-front-page

If Chaz is reading, please grab me a hard copy and I'll pay you a tenner to hang onto it for me.

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Procrastination Masterclass

Posted February 16, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I've been enjoying the challenge of coming up with a non-news related funny column each Sunday. Although, I think I'll be relieved when it's over.

Today's topic, procrastination.

I'm JB and I will be your master for today's class. You might know me from some of the very interesting articles I failed to submit on time, or the amusing columns I never got around to writing at all. I have not published more than a dozen books that I'm sure would have been very popular, and some of which were undoubtedly a lay down misere to not win some quite prestigious awards had they been written … which they weren't.

[Insert your joke about reading it later in the comment thread below].

15 Responses to ‘Procrastination Masterclass’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted February 16, 2014

I just couldn't wait to post something on this interesting and compelling topic! I've been working hard on formulating a new theory explaining procrastion. I am engergized and motivated!

More on this later.

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w from brisbane asserts...

Posted February 16, 2014

"I can complete any task I’m assigned, as long as I have something more important to do.“

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Rob has opinions thus...

Posted February 16, 2014

I got nothing, I’m putting off procrastinating until next week .

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Blarkon mutters...

Posted February 16, 2014

"Any sufficiently advanced procrastination will be indistinguishable from preparation"

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w from brisbane has opinions thus...

Posted February 16, 2014

Related to procrastination is the truism of Parkinson's law:
"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."

Though there is the corollary, which neatly states the positive side of procrastination:
"If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do."

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insomniac puts forth...

Posted February 16, 2014

I hate it in the mornings when ms insomniac dawdles; she makes me late for work and wastes my goofing off time.

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Blake would have you know...

Posted February 17, 2014

i would make a joke about reading it later, but ive got other work to do so I felt I could best maximise my procrastination time by reading it first then make an unneccesary comment here.

I'm a big fan of that essay which used to exist a few years ago online by an American philosophy professor who made the point that by structuring your procrastination appropriately you could actually get more work done (than you're standard procrastinator). Unfortunately I think he's pulled out most of the detail of the essay in an effort to sell books.

http://www.structuredprocrastination.com

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted February 17, 2014

I agree with the prof's sentiments. On a possibly related note, many many years ago when TQM became the rage, the committee formed to study these things decided to do a time efficiency thingo, so we were required to categorise what we did every 15 minutes. The results were never released officially, but the morons on the committee had a habit of printing something to the communal printer and then forgetting to collect it, so it did become published in a way. The category where you had been doing nothing had been graphed for the 20 or so of us. It started off very low, and built up at the very end where I suspect I was, at about 20% doing nothing, and yet I was one of the busier, and higher output, people. I may piss around for long periods of the day, but when I work I do so quickly and accurately. I'm definitely a procrastinator (I'm here aren't I), but perhaps not a structured one, and I don't sit around expanding my work to fill the time, as expounded by w above.

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Conspiracy Cat would have you know...

Posted February 17, 2014

You don't have my address. I couldn't be arsed filling out the enrolment form.

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Darth Greybeard would have you know...

Posted February 18, 2014

A tweep asked why we weren't packing up the detrit, er, accumulated possessions of a lifetime to move south. I'm using the old assignment technique of doing nothing until the last minute then throwing something together in a panic. It's worked for me so far.

Conspiracy Cat reckons...

Posted February 19, 2014

Oooooh, remind me to come and check out your first hard rubbish collection after the move. I'm in need of another trebuchet, and there's probably a few echidna skulls I could find a use for.

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Rhino is gonna tell you...

Posted February 18, 2014

Don't you have a new book coming out ... Weapons of Choice or some such thing?

Why was there no reference to faffing in that cartoon?

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w from brisbane mumbles...

Posted February 19, 2014

I don't know about anybody else, but on the slider at the top that highlights recent blogs, I am a little unsettled by the photo for 'Procrastination Masterclass'.

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Isabella Moncrieff ducks in to say...

Posted February 22, 2014

I am so glad I came across this while procrastinating!

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The Meeting II

Posted January 19, 2014 into Funny by John Birmingham

I write one of these each year for The Age, at about this time each year. Minutes of a meeting with cat and the dog. On the agenda, corporate fitness.

[JB] explained the five stages of the Fitness Friday program, stage one being the very meeting in which they were currently engaged. The consultation phase. Cat and the dog were then asked for their thoughts on how the company might improve opportunities for the staff to exercise more. The dog was very enthusiastic about chasing more cars, barking at nothing and perhaps more vigorous licking of its anus. Cat proposed that it take more high-intensity naps.

15 Responses to ‘The Meeting II’

Dino not to be confused with asserts...

Posted January 19, 2014

I propose a meeting about some meetings being a waste of time.

Fuck yeah I will make my day longer so I can sweat in work time.

How good is the Company that cares about my physical fitness?

Reminds me of those 'pep' meetings to instill some excitement and positivity!

Loud music/dancing/physical hand clapping.

Sweet baby cheeses.

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insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted January 19, 2014

As I thought you had an elegant sufficiency of cats, aren't you in danger of your cats banding together, forming a voting bloc, and outvoting you and the dog on important matters?

Lobes is gonna tell you...

Posted January 19, 2014

Unlikely to happen. In JBs house all animals are equal but some are more equal than others.

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Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted January 20, 2014

The proposals you introduced at the meeting have that horrifying tone of what really does get suggested by a significant fraction of clueless middlemanagers promoted beyond their competence and forced to justify their position by devising ridiculous programs and mindless slogans so cleverly parodied by the demotivators™ organisation at Dispair inc.

The handmaidens of this pernicious group think are the ‘consultants’ who go around promoting the latest quack system and your piece makes me realise that if you ever chose to use your talents for evil rather than good, (well betterness at least) then you could be the master of a corporate empire selling these snake oil nostrums in no time.

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JBtoo mutters...

Posted January 20, 2014

You would not believe the number of internal spam emails I receive each week along these lines. Oh wait, you work for Fairfax - of course you would believe.

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Therbs reckons...

Posted January 20, 2014

Good to see you're optimising cross-silo synergies in line with corporate values and team-focused customer actuations.

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Therbs puts forth...

Posted January 20, 2014

And yes, I was once forced to sit through a couple of days of Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sleep Inducing Self Help Motivational Nonsense Concepts Which Costs Megabucks For People To Endure So Thank You Suckers Signed Stephen Covey

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Johnny B Gone puts forth...

Posted January 20, 2014

I love these cat dog meetings. Kinda like people meetings. 'Cept shorter. And with bacon.

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HAVOCK21 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted January 20, 2014

ya fkn foregot the proposal to reduce the number of fkn fur balls, the subsequent decision to form a fkn SUB FKN COMMIITTEE!!! FFSAKES and table theit initial findings at the fkn next meeting, but wait!..theres fkn more. Its been noted that assessing the individuals balls fur coughed fkn up, might be a personal fkn intrusion, thereby requiring P & FKN C ( thats people and fkn Culture, once known as fkn HR) to be brought in to fkn SANITISE ALL DOCUMENTATION AND CORRESPONDENCE before any fkn does anything, looks fkn sides waysm or communivcated even via fkn TELEPATHY! against the fkn odd chnace some oh so deserved fkn retard might be fkn offended!. WHEN they report back and having vetted all and fkn sundry the sub committee, might make a reccomendation to the main committee who in turn report to the executive sponsor, who being a member of the fkn executive fkn committee will pass it on. In the fkn mean time the business has either gone fkn arse up, missied the opportunity or has necked its fkn self, or!.....well, fkn hell, they wonder why ya wanna cut ya wrists or....CAP SOME FKN DESERVED FKN GIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted January 20, 2014

People & Culture? I remember some arsehat middle manager suggested renaming the accounts department to Adding Up or some such nonsense. A lot of us spurted coffee through our nostrils at that meeting. No, we didn't punch her in the face.

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted January 20, 2014

This a true story. A very large Australian organisation had a series of very important meetings to devise a new name for an office within the organisation. They came up with a new name and, brimming with awe at their own awesomeness, they announced the name to the nation. The section will now be known as 'Compliance Unit, National Team'.

Oh, how delighted everyone was, but, after rolling around the floor in hysterics for a while, eventually someone did suggest to the powers-that-be that the acronym of the new name may be problematic.

NBlob mumbles...

Posted January 22, 2014

I worked with a Gov dept who had a Strategic Communication And Marketing unit.

oh how we laughed

insomniac would have you know...

Posted January 22, 2014

20 years ago when I was working at the Patent Office, they formed a committee for Occupational Health and Safety when the craze took hold. I don't know if it was ever called thus, but we always knew it as ...

Not helped of course by the shitheads on said committee.

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Bruce Baldey mutters...

Posted January 22, 2014

Funniest thing I have read since, since...since...

You have the psyche of cats and dogs down pat (sorry).

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JG reckons...

Posted January 22, 2014

Your dog and cat are more outspoken since the last annual meeting, JB, but it's nice to see that you encourage an inclusive work environment. No top down dictatorship in your writing roost, methinks.

I trust you, sweet puss, and the labrador mutt will attain Black Caviar form come the Melbourne Cup racing season, and request that you ration the bacon, donuts, and cream.

Happy 2014!

Yours in fitness,

JG.

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Reconstruction: Youtube Comment War of the Beliebers

Posted November 23, 2013 into Funny by John Birmingham

I gotta get this done for Blunty. A comedy troupe hired a couple of classical actors to 'perform' a Youtube flame war as an icily murderous dinner table conversation.

It is brilliant.

13 Responses to ‘Reconstruction: Youtube Comment War of the Beliebers’

DrYobbo ducks in to say...

Posted November 23, 2013

This needs to be a thing which remains a thing for some time and through several iterations.

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Murphy reckons...

Posted November 23, 2013

!

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

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she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 23, 2013

What Murph said.

I'm speechless with awe at the sheer comedic brilliance of this. Who the hell would have dreamed of such as this, much less make it happen?

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Flinthart mutters...

Posted November 23, 2013

Yes. Just... yes.

How wonderful.

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Murphy mumbles...

Posted November 24, 2013

Man, I want someone to do this with some of my interactions at the pool and classroom.

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

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MickH has opinions thus...

Posted November 24, 2013

Some of the flames on the athiest pages would be just brilliant

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted November 24, 2013

though for amny of the 'coversations' in youtube comments it would probably be more appropriate for the level of debate if it was voiced by 4 year olds. Poorly socialised four year olds.

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BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted November 25, 2013

That was great. Didn't think it was possible to care that much about One Direction, but there you go.

What we need now is a similar reconstruction of reader's comments from an article on the Daily Terror website about, say, gay marriage, the Republic, Julia Gillard's legacy, or the carbon tax. Mind you, there'll be a lot of crimes against grammar, spelling and rationality, but these two actors should be able to rise above.

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JG mutters...

Posted November 25, 2013

Brilliant. Shakespeare at his best. Haha. Thanks for the first laugh of the day. Will pass this clip on to my daughter.

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Brother PorkChop swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted November 25, 2013

Brilliant. Like Shakespeare on twatter, like.

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Therbs mumbles...

Posted November 26, 2013

Yes.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted November 28, 2013

Loved it. Simply loved it.

Check this out: Josh Groban sings Kanye West Tweets:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Axzxe1a78E

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To boldly go and get shitfaced wheresh, grngll,.. what're you lookin' at you don' know me at all

Posted September 6, 2013 into Funny by John Birmingham

I always assume everyone sees these things as soon as they hit the webz. But then not everyone spends as much time on the webz as I do. For, er, research. Yes, research.

Anyway, this is how space battles should always be fought.

Drunk.

6 Responses to ‘To boldly go and get shitfaced wheresh, grngll,.. what're you lookin' at you don' know me at all’

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted September 6, 2013

I always felt that the space battles in Star Wars - although perhaps not fought drunk - were conceived of by really, really drunk generals.

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BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted September 6, 2013

Luuuuke, I'myafaaather ya fugggin little..............the fuggya lookin' at?? Yagotta twin shishter.......fuggin Obi-Wan hid yez from me the old c...c...cun...ah fugg yez all.

Empire would have been so much better if they'd made Vader a pisspot.

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Dick swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted September 6, 2013

I did actually see this on the Fairax entertainment page. Haven't watched it yet as I rarely access the interwebs except at work, and I get funny looks when I play movies at work.

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Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted September 6, 2013

To be fair the navigation officer who sees four, no five ...contacts was probably only one.

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Rob puts forth...

Posted September 6, 2013

that was awesome , along with Drunk History booze really makes narrative come alive,

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Sekret Sekret is gonna tell you...

Posted September 6, 2013

And that, people, is what Star Wars, LotR, Star Trek, Buffy The Vampire Killer, DR Who , Iron Man, Batman Returns, and Every Other Blockbuster feels like to every non - American- Blockbuster film goer.
Gold, JB.

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Think I like like writing for bookies more than the news media

Posted August 21, 2013 into Funny by John Birmingham

These guys know how to treat a blog about zombie policy.

(In one of those odd cross overs of this business, the sportsbet.com.au guys asked me to write something for them after I interviewed their poltical markets trader for a feature I'm writing on Rudd).

Anyway, zombie policy. A perennial fave of mine in an election year.

16 Responses to ‘Think I like like writing for bookies more than the news media’

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted August 21, 2013

First World Problem I can not access it becasue Work blocked it for catagory:gambling thats gotta be UnAustralian

insomniac would have you know...

Posted August 21, 2013

snap, although I get Forbidden Category "Gambling"

Surtac is gonna tell you...

Posted August 21, 2013

Yep. Same same here.

Dave W ducks in to say...

Posted August 21, 2013

This category is forbidden: gambling

Peter in the bleaches reckons...

Posted August 22, 2013

And again.

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Dino not to be confused with is gonna tell you...

Posted August 21, 2013

JB

I saw your first video 'Bar ometer' about the election at The Age.

Have you done more and are you able to link them here at CBG?

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John Birmingham mutters...

Posted August 21, 2013

Wow it's like we woke up in Hitler's Germany.

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted August 21, 2013

Nazis? No Nazis here. They've been long dead and buried...

NBlob reckons...

Posted August 21, 2013

Gold + Mr B.

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted August 21, 2013

@NBlob "Tomorrow belongs to... braaaaiinnnsssss"

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Dino not to be confused with would have you know...

Posted August 21, 2013

Is 'Bar ometer' Verbotten?

Who was that vixen Marlena?

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JG has opinions thus...

Posted August 21, 2013

Nice. Noice. I like your vizuals, yer visuals, John... even the grab from the polly rock You Tube clip, Round and Round.

Anyway, I expect an open invite to your zombie bunker in the mail. Nah, forget it. Those freaks will get you too. Your bumker won't save you,JB.

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she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted August 21, 2013

Man I'm crushed I didn't try to access this at work. I work for a casino, and I'm dying to know if it would be a "Forbidden Category: Gambling". Oh the irony.

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Jayanthi's Atomic Cat would have you know...

Posted August 22, 2013
24 carat, JB. Now I want to see you guest starring on the ABC's Q&A on the same topic. Just to see you run rings around that red speedos guy.

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Dino not to be confused with reckons...

Posted August 22, 2013

JB

Today is your lucky day.

http://rt.com/usa/nasa-sells-shuttle-launchpad-786/

Go you halves?

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Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted August 23, 2013

JB, JB, JB.... blogging not only for a gambling concern but a foreign owned one!! I have to asy that I have an account with them as the opposition just to see what they are up to and to compare odds but really, supporting Paddy Power and encouraging the export of dollars to the Poms and the Paddys?

But I did enjoy the article.

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