Cheeseburger Gothic

I'm a joker, I'm a smoker I'm a midnight toker I get my lovin' on the Orion booty planet

Posted June 5, 2013 into Funny by John Birmingham

6 Responses to ‘I'm a joker, I'm a smoker I'm a midnight toker I get my lovin' on the Orion booty planet’

Dino not to be confused with swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 5, 2013

Correction

E Flat Major (How do you play dat one MM?)

And Title should be "Come on(Let the Good Times Roll)" JH Version.

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Mayhem's Mum mutters...

Posted June 5, 2013

Only amateurs tune down.

Bondiboy66 swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 5, 2013

There are a whole heap of metal, rock and blues artists who would dispute that assertion.

Mayhem's Mum is gonna tell you...

Posted June 6, 2013

Yes indeed Mr Bondiboy66. A whole heap of amateurs.

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JG ducks in to say...

Posted June 6, 2013

Tony Abbott waxes lyrical. Bat ears headed for the stage.

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If I was Tom Waterhouse...

Posted May 31, 2013 into Funny by John Birmingham

I am sorry. I have listened to the PM and Australia and have made the call to dramatically cut back eating the souls of the innocent from Friday night.

I love eating human souls and that is all I want to do.

I have tried to compete with monsters and demons from far away lands who have taken over the consumption of immortal souls in Australia, and also with the TAB, who have some experience in this area.

I'd like to share a few facts about my business, JBwilleatyoursoul.com.

My online business is still young and striving to grow and so I have needed to hunt extensively for victims. This is the reality of being privately owned, proudly Australian - employing around 100 Australian henchmen - trying to take on some very big foreign players in an intensively competitive market.

Because I stand up as the Souleater, and do not present as a faceless incorporation of pure evil, I also have, somehow, become the public face of the entire Australian demon realm.

If people have an issue with evil, it seems to become an issue with me personally and I have to cop it on the chin.

It is worthwhile however, to put a few things in perspective.

For starters, even though openly stalking victims has been allowed since 2008, I understand the consumption of souls and the weeping and wailing of the Doomed has not risen since 2007. What has changed is that fewer souls have been fed into the dire-fanged, fiery open maw of the TAB and so ravenous dementers and souleaters such as I have grown fatter.

This is just healthy competition. Unnatural selection, if you will.

In Australia, the demonic consumption of human souls is but a small fraction of the total quantum of evil and JBwilleatyoursoul.com eats around only five per cent of all humanity in this our accursed land.

My competitors include offshore giants such as Cthulhu.com and TheShamblerfromtheStars.net as well as local giants such as the TAB, who enjoy a monopoly on eating the flayed, crispy skin of their victims and virgin sacrifice.

I am taking on the big boys!

As I said earlier, my passion is eating souls.

I would love to be still eating your souls but the world has moved on and punters want to be able to go through life without me eating them. Or their souls.

I have listened.

26 Responses to ‘If I was Tom Waterhouse...’

Surtac puts forth...

Posted May 31, 2013

"Flayed, crispy skin". Pork crackling?

Bunyip ducks in to say...

Posted May 31, 2013

Or, as my minions have been trained to say "Jesus loves you; Cthulhu thinks you taste like chicken".

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Peter Bradley puts forth...

Posted May 31, 2013

So was early 1990s song by the Clouds about you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQK2Mt5F8uI

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Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

when people exclaim "you're and atheist"? I usually respond with "and yes I am the devil incarnate, but my duties are largely ceremonial".

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w from brisbane reckons...

Posted May 31, 2013

Souleater....the demon realm. Very good!!!
I would like these analogies to get need wider circulation.
Could this be made into a Blunty?

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Surtac mutters...

Posted May 31, 2013

What was wrong with the original title of this post? Too subtle for some?

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 31, 2013

Apparently.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted May 31, 2013

"I love eating human souls and that is all I want to do."

You'll outgrow it. I did.

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted May 31, 2013

But....BUT.... A man MUST have one's hobbies.

Or a demon for that matter.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

Oh, I agree: gotta have hobbie or two. I said I gave up eating souls; I never gave up collecting them.

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w from brisbane mutters...

Posted May 31, 2013

A few years back, I was talking about punting to an old chap I know.

He said, I learnt all I needed to know about punting when I was a young bloke.
I was about 21. A mate of mine, a keen punter, invited me out for my first day at the races.
As we went thru the turnstiles at Eagle Farm, he turned to me and said,
"I hope I break even. I need the money."

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Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted May 31, 2013

Hey!! I resemble these remarks!! The demon with the bright shiny teeth has been taking souls from the mouths of my imps, being a member of the local variety. So please continue to deride and remonstrate - I am all for the Tommy knockers. And allow me to continue feeding...... although I was a bit interested in the virgin sacrifice. That would be quite exciting. I wonder if that is what the basement room is for at 240 Sandgate Road.

Darth Greybeard is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31, 2013

"I am all for the Tommy knockers" Well BPC. "Late last night and the night before,Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers, knocking at the door.

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Chaz has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

Yes, will no one think about the souleaters?

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MickH mumbles...

Posted May 31, 2013

Sooo do I detect a touch of cynicism with regards to Toms honest and heart moving testimonial.

Shame on you JB

(snort!)

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SZF is gonna tell you...

Posted May 31, 2013

Please tell me this made it through the children-eaters of Legal and thence into Blunty...

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 31, 2013

As if.

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Michael mumbles...

Posted May 31, 2013

Because plugging a brother's efforts seems to be par for the course around these parts might I be permitted a shameless link to my brother's video Tom Waterhouse Can Get Fucked?

On a whim he decided to get run in a half marathon and created a quick video challenging a few mates to bet against him, nominating a charity of their choice to be the beneficiary. If he made it they paid. If he didn't he would.

In the current enviornment the video attracted a lot more attention than he was expecting. Thankfully for Col he made it, or he would have been about $9000 the poorer.

Michael has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

Actually a direct link to the quick web page he set up tomwaterhousecangetfucked.com makes things a bit clearer.

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Conspiracy Cat would have you know...

Posted May 31, 2013

Virgin sacrifice, you say? Oh. Oh dear. I'll see myself out, shall I?

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted May 31, 2013

Ooh, Catty. You are aaawful.

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Abe Frellman ducks in to say...

Posted May 31, 2013

This is the funniest thing I've read all week.

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NBlob would have you know...

Posted May 31, 2013

Tom and his compettors should be max taxed, come plain packaged and bear a surgeon-generals warning; This service, when used as directed, will render you broker.

Pokies ditto, no lights, chairs or sounds and a warning; This device has been designed by neuro-experts to fck with your hind brain.

Brother PorkChop asserts...

Posted June 3, 2013

Bob, you're killing me!! What about my need for comforts, wagyu beef, Grange red and please, think of my children.

Actually I don't like the gaming guys, they are totally up themselves and the wagering team are a bit weird. The lotteries marketing group have some lovely sorts in the mix, and seem to have a bit of fun.

Mind you, my kids tell their friends that I make scratchies.

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The Onion schools the Syrian Electronic Army.

Posted May 8, 2013 into Funny by John Birmingham

The Onion's twitter feed got hacked by some of Bashar al Assad's internet butt monkeys, who used it to scream 'Death to Israel' to the jokester's near on five million slightly confused followers.

The Onion got control back and had some fun, tweeting stuff like 'We Were Going To Take Over The Onion Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads | By The Syrian Electronic Army".

But this story, I thought, showed real elan. I'd have paid a pretty shekel to have seen their faces when they read it:

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to have a little fun before soon dying at the hands of rebel forces. “We figured that before they bust in here and execute every single one of us, we might as well have a good time and post some silly tweets about Israel from a major media outlet’s feed,” said a spokesperson from the pro-Assad group, adding that he and his cohorts “had a few good laughs” and are now fully prepared for their painful and undoubtedly horrific deaths in the coming days. “I mean, we definitely don’t have much time left, so we thought, hey, let’s just enjoy ourselves before getting blown away by rockets, decapitated, beaten to death, or hung during public executions. Why not, right?” At press time, violent screams and pleas for mercy were reportedly overheard as rebel troops broke into the Syrian Electronic Army’s hideout.

3 Responses to ‘The Onion schools the Syrian Electronic Army. ’

Barnesm ducks in to say...

Posted May 8, 2013

" Syrian Electronic Army’s hideout" I thought that was two guys in their mom's basement?

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DrYobbo puts forth...

Posted May 8, 2013

I actually thought the diatribe against the Onion's layout and popup ads was more pointed, felt like an open letter from the writers to the web developers to stop fucking with their site

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tqft asserts...

Posted May 8, 2013

It is scary how I regard The Onion more highly than a number of other media outlets.

If you wanted to freak people out - hacking the onion and putting a peace breaks out story may just be more effective than any other outlet,

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