I am sorry. I have listened to the PM and Australia and have made the call to dramatically cut back eating the souls of the innocent from Friday night.
I love eating human souls and that is all I want to do.
I have tried to compete with monsters and demons from far away lands who have taken over the consumption of immortal souls in Australia, and also with the TAB, who have some experience in this area.
I'd like to share a few facts about my business, JBwilleatyoursoul.com.
My online business is still young and striving to grow and so I have needed to hunt extensively for victims. This is the reality of being privately owned, proudly Australian - employing around 100 Australian henchmen - trying to take on some very big foreign players in an intensively competitive market.
Because I stand up as the Souleater, and do not present as a faceless incorporation of pure evil, I also have, somehow, become the public face of the entire Australian demon realm.
If people have an issue with evil, it seems to become an issue with me personally and I have to cop it on the chin.
It is worthwhile however, to put a few things in perspective.
For starters, even though openly stalking victims has been allowed since 2008, I understand the consumption of souls and the weeping and wailing of the Doomed has not risen since 2007. What has changed is that fewer souls have been fed into the dire-fanged, fiery open maw of the TAB and so ravenous dementers and souleaters such as I have grown fatter.
This is just healthy competition. Unnatural selection, if you will.
In Australia, the demonic consumption of human souls is but a small fraction of the total quantum of evil and JBwilleatyoursoul.com eats around only five per cent of all humanity in this our accursed land.
My competitors include offshore giants such as Cthulhu.com and TheShamblerfromtheStars.net as well as local giants such as the TAB, who enjoy a monopoly on eating the flayed, crispy skin of their victims and virgin sacrifice.
I am taking on the big boys!
As I said earlier, my passion is eating souls.
I would love to be still eating your souls but the world has moved on and punters want to be able to go through life without me eating them. Or their souls.
I have listened.
The Onion's twitter feed got hacked by some of Bashar al Assad's internet butt monkeys, who used it to scream 'Death to Israel' to the jokester's near on five million slightly confused followers.
The Onion got control back and had some fun, tweeting stuff like 'We Were Going To Take Over The Onion Website, But It’s A Real Mess With All Those Ads | By The Syrian Electronic Army".
But this story, I thought, showed real elan. I'd have paid a pretty shekel to have seen their faces when they read it:
DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to have a little fun before soon dying at the hands of rebel forces. “We figured that before they bust in here and execute every single one of us, we might as well have a good time and post some silly tweets about Israel from a major media outlet’s feed,” said a spokesperson from the pro-Assad group, adding that he and his cohorts “had a few good laughs” and are now fully prepared for their painful and undoubtedly horrific deaths in the coming days. “I mean, we definitely don’t have much time left, so we thought, hey, let’s just enjoy ourselves before getting blown away by rockets, decapitated, beaten to death, or hung during public executions. Why not, right?” At press time, violent screams and pleas for mercy were reportedly overheard as rebel troops broke into the Syrian Electronic Army’s hideout.