Cheeseburger Gothic

You win this time, Zuckerberg. (Shakes fist)

Posted February 11, 2016 into House keeping by John Birmingham

I'd been putting off a return to Facebook for a long time, but I'd known for at least a year I'd have to slink back there with my tail between my legs. It's the advertising. Increasingly online ads are served up by either the Book of Face, or el Goog, or nobody.

Building a mailing list, I had no choice. Facebook's creepy omniscience makes it too powerful to ignore. It is the stalker at all our windows.

Still, I can try to control things. I've set up an offical JB Books page where I wont be posting cat videos or personal info. It's all about the merch.

Go like the page. They tell me that's important.

I've been testing out the advertising back end, which is insanely powerful, but which has a bit of a learning curve. It's chewed up a couple of mornings now, putting me behind schedule with Cairo. I've got the Page working as I want now, however, and can get back to the book, which is two chapters from done.

35 Responses to ‘You win this time, Zuckerberg. (Shakes fist)’

robW would have you know...

Posted February 11, 2016
Looks like you're doing great and not taking Facecrack seriously yet. You know you're lost when you sit on the sofa after work for hours and use your index finger to spin through the latest Facecrack listings on your idiot phone, like playing your own personal slot machine. Your eyes glaze over, a slight drool appears on the left side of your mouth, and you cackle when the spin lands on a video of dancing cats, which you immediately want to share with everyone and really, really like.
Meanwhile, you are oblivious to your partner sitting beside you, who is filling out divorce papers.

Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 11, 2016
Or watching reruns on television.

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she_jedi would have you know...

Posted February 11, 2016
So I've liked the page, stalked you on the DMs as requested, and even invited a friend to come like your page. Super Fan Girl(tm) Achievement Unlocked I think. You're welcome :)

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted February 11, 2016
Look at the bright side: now you - just like everyone on earth - will be able to see the many, many, many pictures of my dog that my wife posts on Facebook.

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted February 11, 2016
It's a fine lookin' dog

NBlob mumbles...

Posted February 11, 2016
And I'm not sure "My dog" is entirely accurate? I believe that under Ca, Az, Tx, Idaho, Washigntom & Luisiana Common Property statues a dog, be it latent, extant or theoretical is %50 Mrs Boylan's.
Wouldn't you agree counsellor ?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted February 11, 2016
Truth be told, Mitzie is my wife's dog. I am tolerable only when Lori isn't present.

Murphy_of_Missouri ducks in to say...

Posted February 11, 2016
I like your wife's posts, Paul.

NBlob mumbles...

Posted February 12, 2016
Lies with an adorable puppy: the modern spoonful of sugar.
If Islam had featured adorable puppies in art, instead of stupid tessellated patterns it would have taken over the world.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted February 13, 2016
That didn't happen because Mohamed (blessings be upon him) was spiritually inspired but culturally typical of his time and place, i.e., obsessed with cleanliness*, considered dogs filthy, and therefore didn't like dogs.

*"clean" is a subjective term that varies depending on the availability of water.

NBlob reckons...

Posted February 13, 2016
If cleanliness is/was directly proportional to water availability, wasn't pretty much everything between Alexandria & Chad (the country, not the star) unclean?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted February 13, 2016
No - and that's the beauty of it. You were "clean" if you performed the proper purification rituals. Cleanliness was spiritual in nature and could be magically endowed.

As I said, the concept of cleanliness is subjective.

NBlob has opinions thus...

Posted February 14, 2016
"Magically endowed" conjures troubling images.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted February 14, 2016
A poor choice of words, perhaps.

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Blake has opinions thus...

Posted February 11, 2016
Well that was harder than it needed to be.1.click link: fb complains that im not logged in on the browser (feedlys internal one, too much of a pain to fire up the password manager)2. No worries ill search in the app....3. Which brings up the autogenerated page or the old jb person account.4. Search again... What was the link called? Jb books... Hrmmm no that just brings up some random person "jb booksmuggler" 5. Actually look at link.. Hrmm john birmingham books. Ok i can do this6. Search that. Ah here we go not a link the the page, but a link to jb person who posted a link to page7. Three clicks later...
Admittedly laziness on my part back at step one...but howvhard does searching have to be?

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Surtac asserts...

Posted February 11, 2016
Liked the page as requested (with my farce book user name) and left a comment decloaking to my Burger name. Let me know what else is needed.


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ShaneAlpha swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 11, 2016
Like the post about the docutext finals. Says the guy who scored a uncorrected proof copy of Resistance at the last Lifeline Bookfest for $1.00(totes not boasting at all) :))

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Murphy_of_Missouri would have you know...

Posted February 11, 2016
Makes one miss Journalspace.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted February 12, 2016
I miss Journalspace all the time.

Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 12, 2016
Me too.

Bangar is gonna tell you...

Posted February 12, 2016
Me three

Bangar reckons...

Posted February 12, 2016
But you set such a fine example to follow Prof!

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DarrenBloomfield ducks in to say...

Posted February 12, 2016
I've been off FB (and twitter) since 23 December - with one exception. Two, now.

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GhostSwirv reckons...

Posted February 12, 2016


I have resisted the suck of the Zuck for a long, long time now - my distaste for supplementing a corporate income without any appreciable benefit coupled with my disinterest in knowing - slash - sharing the latest visual feast of baby vomit and/or drunken misadventure has kept me off the FB.

I have much preferred to venture into the Twittersphere and the warm, fuzzy surrounds of this congenial brains trust of humanity's last best hope ...

But as a loyal member of the 10,000 - (#1,659 and climbing), I will follow you JB into the Gates of Hell ... and reactivate my FB account!

I know this is a test of my resolve and capacity to bend to the will of the molasses, er masses but if you JB deem it a necessary prerequisite for our continued existence in this universe then who am I to argue.

It may only be me - but I think the announcement this week JB of your return to FB and the discovery of evidence of Einstein's Gravitational Waves - not to be confused with Morality's Negative Waves - (see Kelly's Heroes ... I'd try to paste a video link but I don't want to do a Lulu) is more than just a coincidence ... planets are aligning, SkyLords are awakening and Barnabee's are a happening.

Never been a more exciting time to be a member of the 10,000!

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted February 12, 2016
You are my new favourite.

dweeze ducks in to say...

Posted February 12, 2016
And I am not. Strike me from the Christmas card list pronto. I has me limits.

Surtac has opinions thus...

Posted February 12, 2016

Morality? I thought it was Moriarty.

Doesn't matter. Kelly's Heroes is a film I rewatch often.

"You win a cookie."

GhostSwirv mutters...

Posted February 12, 2016

From this day forth you Sir Surtac shall be known forever as Crapgame.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted February 12, 2016
Kelly's Heroes is one of my all time favorite films.

Oddball: Hi, man.

Big Joe: What are you doing?

Oddball: I'm drinking wine and eating cheese, and catching some rays, you know.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted February 12, 2016
No one wants to "do a Lulu."

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon mutters...

Posted February 12, 2016
There is only so far this relationship can go. I will (and have) spruik(ed) your stuff on a street corner (well okay it was a bbq) and as a result some audio books were bought for tradies spending long times on the road. Even the one that confused the order of the Axis books still went ahead with the others. But farcebook is the line!

dweeze would have you know...

Posted February 12, 2016
Word, bro. The JB is a cool master but Zuck's Buck Book is a step too far. And as for holding hands in public...that shit got old when Dino's rooled.

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pi asserts...

Posted February 12, 2016
My only issue with facebook is this one :

https://cdn.boldomatic.com/content/post/z_aIEg-d6c946f3e24868bd65a643f9312e139bee5b37dbb45e65caf0f8b02f06595e0c/Just-found-this-new-app-that-tells-you-which-of-yo?size=800

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Respond to 'You win this time, Zuckerberg. (Shakes fist)'

Newsletter 2

Posted August 19, 2015 into House keeping by John Birmingham

Thanks to all those who have signed up so far. The spam factory is running around the clock and will soon extrude the first glistening pink tube of industrial grade processed meat product.

Mmmm... delicious direct marketing goodness.

I'm waiting until I hit a set number of sign ups from the Burger, however, for a good reason. The same reason I haven't mentioned this project anywhere else because I want the initial subscribers to come only from here. The Burger is my stronghold on the web. It is where my Centurions gather.

From you I will draw the murderous, blood thirsty champions of the campaign I will fight to ensure world domination when...

Er...

That didn't come out right.

Let me try that again. I want to build out my ebook business next year. Finish (finally) Stalin's Hammer. Start (finally) a return to The Disappearance. And open up some new storyworlds, including a classic space opera. Not all of these will happen under the aegis of my trade publishers. (They're not much interested in long form space opera, for instance).

The newsletter, as a marketting channel I can control, will be a big part of all this. If everything just rolls along, and Season 2 of HOOPER comes out sometime next year with Pan Mac and Random House and Titan, the newsletter will help sell that series. If I decide to take more control of my own business (or I ever have that decision thrust upon me) the mailing list I'm building now becomes even more important than serving as simple channel for a newsletter.

I'd be looking for Beta readers for more than The Oral History of the Monstyr Wars, for instance, and I'd be looking for them here. Not on Twunter or Farcebuck. The mailing list provides an immediate pool of trustworthy candidates because the first couple of hundred names are all long time Burgers. When it came time to pimp the books, everyone who signed up first and was interested in coming along for the ride, would get sorted into a small, bespoke, and highly fucking exclusive list for free Advance Reader Copies.

You wouldn't be reading these freebies to help me with editing. They'd already be edited. You'd be reading them for fun. And because, if you liked the books, upon release you could hit the online stores en masse and shit out sparkling 88 Star reviews like a herd of Unicorns with explosive magic diarrhoea.

Who wouldn't want that?

You can sign away your soul and all associated property rights here.

54 Responses to ‘Newsletter 2’

FormerlyKnownAsSimon mumbles...

Posted August 19, 2015
okay. I signed up. But I can only offer a secondary allegiance. First goes to my other half, The Minister for War and Finance.

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Drew-mo asserts...

Posted August 19, 2015
That was so hard- Pancakes? Road signs?

Wouldn't accept any of my answers- I almost went Dave on i.....until finally it took pity on me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been counting on my pee-pee. Anything past 1 is a challenge.

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Matthew F. reckons...

Posted August 19, 2015
Fine. Fine. I subscribed. My price is that you have to have this playing when you send it out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REnk67IFQBc

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TheWah swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2015
I signed up and honestly had difficulty choosing all the pics with playgrounds in them. The software encoded by my Alien Masters is starting to bug out. Which is no surprise, what with all the oxygen in your atmosphere! Oxygen! In the Atmosphere! It's corrosive as hell, donchaknow!?

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
I am a paid spokesperson for Hormel Foods Corporation. Therefore, I am an unbiased, trustworthy source of information and objective opinion on the topic of Spam, the wonderful, comparatively nutritious, food-like canned meat product that is mostly meat. If you haven't tried Spam, then you have no idea how terrific it is. I love it. And you will, too. Try it fried or grilled, by itself or on a bun with your favorite condiments. Or try it right out of the can with a spoon. Take it from me, when you are really, really, really hungry - the kind of hungry that happens when you are a civilian in a war zone hiding in the pile of rubble that was once your home - a can of spam is heaven.

And did you know that Spam has no expiration date? It's true. Spam is a miraculous perpetual lunch meat - perfect for doomsday preparation enthusiasts.

So try some today. Or when the world ends. Either way, I am confident you are going to love it.

insomniac mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2015
Is there any truth to the rumour that the "meat" portion of spam is cow's arseholes, and that the "non-meat" portion is worse?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2015
How dare you disparage this fine and wholesome food product with the insinuation that part or all of it derives from bovine anal sphincters? How dare you, sir?

The proper referent is "porcine."

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
PNB - you needed to end that with:
"Good day, Sir."
"I said, Good Day, Sir!"

insomniac mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2015
Thank you for correcting me on the true source of the "meat" portion of spam, however you lost me when you described it as a "food product".
As an aside, and as one would know, spam eaters are a happy lot, wearing what might both figuratively and literally be referred to as a shit eating grin. Shizzle, as the young people say, was mentioned in the Bible, somewhere towards the back, in reference to a low quality meat foodstuff eaten exclusively by the Gentiles, which in hindsight is obvious given it's source.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2015
I am pointedly ignoring Insomniac - because he is clearly a Godless Communist - and responding to The Rhino thus: (1) yeah, I should have used the Tootsie "good day" line; (2) are we gonna do NO or Atlanta for steak and cigars? Your choice. Either way, I got guest speaker gigs to pay for it all.

insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
I am distraught over the cruelness of your words. Godless I can proudly accept; Communist is also ok because I feel like I could be such from time to time; but your use of the uppercase I in insomniac when I clearly only ever use the lowercase form is totally unacceptable.

GhostSwirv asserts...

Posted August 20, 2015

May I remind you, in the words of Rhino Esq., Good Sir, that you have recommended my good self 'take one for the team' ... a far greater threat to one's humanity than the deliberate misuse of a case in font.

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Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2015
"<font color="#333333">They're not much interested in long form space opera, for instance" did the laugh, I am sure they laughed. Will show them, wwill show them ALl, THEY WILL ALL PAY. MUHAHAHAHA. </font>

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Rhino is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
What is the cut off for this a-list? I don't want a lot of unwashed rabble forcing their way past the door security just because you announced how exclusive membership is for we early supplicants, errrr, early adopters.
Besides, I would laugh my ass off if Havock got stuck outside. Oh, the torments I could dream up.
I throw in another perk - anyone that signs up that comes to Atlanta gets to enjoy a steak and a cigar with the Rhino*
*double secret probation, unpublished rules written by PNB, esquire apply to this offer.

beeso reckons...

Posted August 20, 2015
Not that i'll be travelling any time soon, due to the horde, but you realise that some of us are unwashed hippies right?

GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2015

Dear Rhino, is that a Spam-Steak and a Spam-Cigar?

Never mind ... for wholistic health reasons my Spiritual Advisor has warned me not to visit Atlanta until the legal status and known whereabouts of Prof. X AKA - PNB are resolved.
They suggest I continue on with my True Detective Series#1 Crime Scene Locations Tour instead.

Its much safer.

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
The list cuts off at 100 members.

dweeze is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
B. " you realise that some of us are unwashed hippies right? "
I resemble that remark.

R. Would you settle for a lentil burger and clove ciggie?

Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
Steak, Rhino? Cigar? I'll pop for a few beers and whiskey to add to the mix.

Rhino asserts...

Posted August 20, 2015
Get thy asses to the ATL!

Rhino puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2015
My wife is a vegan. I know all the good places. Where values of "good" are subjective.
I believe in BYOM in those instances.
Nothing wrong with hippies that a fire hose and wire brush can't fix.

dweeze puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2015
BYOM - Bide Your Own Missus?

Funny enough, I have washed down a hippy mate with a fire hose. It was fun. Oh how I wish now that I'd thought of a wire brush.

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Grand Admiral Thrawn has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2015
is the link above the same as the earlier ones or is this a new start one?

Grand Admiral Thrawn swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
never mind figures it out by myself. just being a idiot.

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ChrisB ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2015
Oh heck ya! Time to crank up me writing musckles. Looking forward to lending a hand and word or two.

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Spanner would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2015
Fine then take my soul. I just have to get MrsS to sign the release form for it. She took it for safe keeping so I didn't do anything stoopid with it. This isn't stoopid is it? I mean what could go wrong with JB owning my soul?

Therbs ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2015
I thought GB owned your soul.

Darth Greybeard asserts...

Posted August 25, 2015
I'm only interested in his right knee, and only if the ACL and cartilage is intact. Mrs S keeps his soul in a Kinder Surprise egg, in her "random crap" box.

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Dave W is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
Wonderful spam, wonderful spam.Spam spam spam spam spam spam spamWonderful spam, wonderful spam.
I think I signed up for this. I know I had to prove I was a human. So obviously that means I get the spam. Wonderful spam.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2015
Anyone who channels the Pythons is okay in my book.

Don't let it go to your head.

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NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
A can of Spam sliced twice & fried makes a happy Hawaiian. Or so I was led to believe.

damian ducks in to say...

Posted August 23, 2015
You left out the Golden Circle pineapple rings and the Supafry

insomniac would have you know...

Posted August 24, 2015

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted August 24, 2015
That's possibly the most frightening thing I've seen here

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JG ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2015
F*ing spam. Oh please. Release the bushelled kale, please. Where is Havock [sic]? And SJS, and all the oldies? Come back! I cannot do green eggs and Spam! ;P

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Lobes asserts...

Posted August 21, 2015
ok i signed up, when can I get my old avatar back pls

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted August 22, 2015
If I am not very much mistaken, I believe I acquired all rights to your old avatar. I It conveys the dignity of my station.

Lobes would have you know...

Posted August 23, 2015
well in that case I demand the porn parody of my old avatar as the next best thing

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damian mutters...

Posted August 23, 2015
Are we supposed to be expecting some sort of email as a result of these shenanigans?

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pi reckons...

Posted August 24, 2015
I failed the first captcha. Does that disqualify me?

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Rhino puts forth...

Posted August 25, 2015
Reading back through these comments. And it hit me that It is entirely within the realm of possibility that PNB really is a paid spokesperson for Hormel.
He has his tentacles, errrr fingers, in so many things.
Just another reason to be happy he is on my side.

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TeamAmerica ducks in to say...

Posted August 25, 2015
I applied for the Beta and newsletter, but got no confirmation email. Guess I missed the cutoff due to being late to apply.

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TexasTeaserPony would have you know...

Posted August 25, 2015
I signed up too. Several hours ago, in fact, and yet no fanfare, no glowing announcements that JB had landed the big one. WTF?

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John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted August 25, 2015
You have both made it on. I let the VIP list blow out to 200 subscribers. The Teaser Pony just snuck in.

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John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted August 25, 2015
Also, it amuses me greatly that Lobes has set his email up to address him as 'You Legend, Lobes.'

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Darth Greybeard asserts...

Posted August 25, 2015
I'm in. Sod the rest.

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BigTimeTexasTeaserPony puts forth...

Posted August 26, 2015
Actually, Darth, *I'm in*, lucky you, sod the rest. You too, Legend. Lucky everyone, really. Particularly JB, your new master. Who baited everyone in with his promise of previewing his work. Baited. Yes, he's your master baiter.

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Rhino asserts...

Posted August 26, 2015
Fuck it. Go for 300. More appropriate as
THIS! IS! SPARTA,

Therbs mutters...

Posted August 26, 2015
Wonder how many of the old JSpacers are on the list? FKNHavsy prolly missed out which is a shame 'cos there'd be countless opportunities to get all FKNSHOUTY and CAP Fkn MUPPETS!!!

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted August 26, 2015
There are some fascinating emails on that list.

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Invested Ivana mumbles...

Posted August 27, 2015
"...shit out sparkling 88 Star reviews like a herd of Unicorns with explosive magic diarrhoea."
OMG, John! Sign me up for the explosive magic diarrhea! :) LOL! You sure know how to convince a gal. :)

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Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted August 27, 2015
If you do a Dave anthology with pro scribes ... Please, please, please promise that you'll reach out to John Ringo and Larry Corriea.
Just sayin.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 27, 2015
I would, but that's unlikely to happen any time soon.

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Respond to 'Newsletter 2'

In Melbourne this weekend

Posted August 18, 2015 into House keeping by John Birmingham

It's a fleeting visit. I fly in lunchtime on Saturday, and out again Sunday evening. I have a couple of sessions on for the Festival.

Saturday 2.30-4.00 pm "Ask a Columnist" for Writer's Victoria.

Sunday 11.30-12.30 "Monsters and Mayhem." Gettin' down with The Dave!

If you can find a way to get to either, I'm always happy to catch up.

I'm planning to drop into Mark Dapin's book launch at Fed Square, 5.30 on Saturday for a few fizzy sherbets.

Saturday night the publishers sometimes spirit us away somewhere to a party. I'll check on that, but Sunday arvo drinks, or even breakfast might be nice.

20 Responses to ‘In Melbourne this weekend’

DarrenBloomfield asserts...

Posted August 18, 2015
aaaaannnd I'm BOOKED. For Monsters and Mayhem.
There'd better be mayhem JB...

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted August 18, 2015
There will be a mayhem surplus

Mayhem would have you know...

Posted August 21, 2015
I'm uh where at what now?

Mayhem reckons...

Posted August 21, 2015
Oooopppsss!!! Oh well, at least I'm there a'plenty :-)

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GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted August 18, 2015

JB - ummmm, is there any chance you could crash my Dad's 80th Birthday on Saturday night, I'm sorted sposed to be giving a speech and now I'm conflicted as to where my true allegiance lies?



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DarrenBloomfield has opinions thus...

Posted August 18, 2015
I'd be honoured to.
Oh, you mean Birmingham.... right.

GhostSwirv mutters...

Posted August 19, 2015

I'd be honoured DB ... I'm producing an event on the 23rd, so am unable to participate in M&M on Sunday.

But I'd like nothing more than for you to tell me all about your hopes and dreams and expectations for the Birminghamness of the discourse on The Dave ...

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Spanner asserts...

Posted August 18, 2015
You should check out the whisky selection at EDV.
http://eaudevie.com.au/melbourne/

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted August 18, 2015
God, I would love to make the Monsters and Mayhem event. But only as an excuse to visit Melbourne again, of course, and take tea with our own Mayhem.

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Murphy_of_Missouri swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 18, 2015
I'd say the Viper is in the shop but the truth is that I sold the Viper to pay for beer.

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Bernie has opinions thus...

Posted August 19, 2015
That's a shame, you're going to mess QMHE.
http://www.qmhe.com/

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jason reckons...

Posted August 19, 2015
Looking to get there on Sunday. Happy to grab breakfast.

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Aaron would have you know...

Posted August 19, 2015
I am going to try for the Sunday drinks. I think like last time (5ish years already?) I will try and bring a potential convert if that's ok.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2015
Converts are always tasty

Legles mumbles...

Posted August 19, 2015
Arsebiscuits!! I'm away in Phillip Island on business this weekend...

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Anthony mutters...

Posted August 21, 2015
Damn - two weeks too early as I'm otherwise engaged all weekend. But in a couple of weeks time I may be flogging books in Fed Square since a bookselling friend wants me to set up a stall.

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Angus mutters...

Posted August 21, 2015
I have not previously been to a Burger drinks, but I wouldn't be averse to a whisky or 2.

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted August 21, 2015
Swing by during or after the gigs, or to the Mark Dapin book launch at Fed Square 5.30 tomorrow

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Bangar ducks in to say...

Posted August 22, 2015
Well I'm organised see Burgers at the book launch.

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Aaron swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 24, 2015
I sadly couldn't make it, family down with flu do I was it. Please tell me what I missed out on just to rub it in.

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Respond to 'In Melbourne this weekend'

Gentlemen, prepare to receive the enemy

Posted July 20, 2015 into House keeping by John Birmingham

Not sure why, but we have trolls. Possibly related to a tweet I sent about the Reclaim Australia rallies. You'll notice the occasional one line comment, usually abusing the first commenter in any given thread. I have snuffed out a hand full already.

Those with access to the comment deletion cannon may now exercise free fire privileges.

27 Responses to ‘Gentlemen, prepare to receive the enemy’

Bangar swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 20, 2015
I shall not be so hesitant in the future ;)

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HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted July 20, 2015
whats giving fkn seppos fkn access keys ffsakes!...bimmminghumm!

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Therbs asserts...

Posted July 20, 2015
Okay, which one of you two is Trolly McTroll?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted July 20, 2015
If the only two candidates for that title are Bangar and myself, then it would have to be me.

NBlob would have you know...

Posted July 20, 2015
Is Troll's name Will? 'Cos that'd be, you know, good.

Bangar ducks in to say...

Posted July 20, 2015
PNB never, your insight and intelligence are as renowned as your occipital crest. May you bless our shores again.

HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted July 20, 2015
Im gunna slap the fkr till his fkn cross eyes go straight!

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NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 20, 2015
I see the strangest firing emplacement eva. Aunty Q with fine baked goods. (never underestimate a good pie-ing) PNB with absurdism & venomous wit veiled thinly. Wrinkly's fine fire-pointed jabbing stick. Havoc's heavy armour burbling with menace. While a lizard emperor stands by in a u=G(m1 + m2) orbit.

Bangar puts forth...

Posted July 21, 2015
And Bangar not being seen ... because that's how it should be ... when done right.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted July 21, 2015
Indeed

Quokka puts forth...

Posted July 22, 2015
Oh pfft. Like there'd be baked goods left to throw with any of this lot in the artillery lines. Spanner, Greybeard, Nblob, the Scribe...all of whom have eaten double serves of baked cheesecake & looked like they would do far worse if left alone with any sugary fat-laden carbs.Just keep lobbing frozen 4&20s at the intruders & they'll figure it out.

NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 22, 2015
I'll have you know that sugary fat-laden carbs are my favourite.

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pi mumbles...

Posted July 20, 2015
Damn. I missed it.

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Spanner asserts...

Posted July 20, 2015
Greybeard is the Troll. Let's all smite him.

NBlob mumbles...

Posted July 20, 2015
Clean your specs, he just so looks like a troll.

Spanner asserts...

Posted July 21, 2015
But my trigger finger is itchy.

Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted July 22, 2015
yeah I think that's tinea, but if I were you I'd see a doctor, just the same.

Darth Greybeard is gonna tell you...

Posted July 22, 2015
I have to confess, I do a rather good "WHO DARES TO CROSS MY BRIDGE!" but that's a different kind of troll. Apropos of which, there aren't any goats around here I hope.
As for Spanner, I've heard some odd euphemisms in the past (Old Persuader?) but Trigger Finger is a new one. And Quokka is right. If that's itching, see a doctor.

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted July 22, 2015
I think the proper purpose of the Clicky Button of Smiting is to kill and repost your own typos. But that's not OCD at all...

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HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted July 20, 2015
I'm gunna fkn randomly fkn sray the lotta ya motherfkrs. WHERE SMY FKN CANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Murphy_of_Missouri mumbles...

Posted July 20, 2015
Flipping the selector switch from safe to semi.

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BostonJoe is gonna tell you...

Posted July 21, 2015
Is no corner of the internet safe from these vermin? Hit 'em with a bunker buster or two.

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Barnesm mutters...

Posted July 21, 2015
Troll on.

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GhostSwirv mutters...

Posted July 21, 2015

I see an intrepid rag-tag team of Troll Busters venturing into the dark realms of the inter-webs, armed with only their characteristic wit, sparkling personalities and oh - the latest in military-grade software.

I salute you and can sleep better knowing that you are out there, somewhere, everywhere ready to do battle with the vermin of the RWNJ confederacy.

I just have a question which one of you is the cool Robert Redford type and who is role-playing Bill Murray?

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Lobes reckons...

Posted July 21, 2015
Come at me Plebs

Murphy_of_Missouri has opinions thus...

Posted July 22, 2015
With pugio or gladius? Or perhaps a good, sharp Spatha.

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Respond to 'Gentlemen, prepare to receive the enemy'

An Oral History of the Monster Wars

Posted May 26, 2015 into House keeping by John Birmingham

Inspired by Steve Stirling’s imminent anthology I’d like to run an idea past you all. As you know, there are two Dave Hooper ebooks coming out later this year – although Dave is only mentioned in one (SOUL FULL OF GUNS), and appears as an extra in the other (A PROTOCOL FOR MONSTERS), with no point of view passages. These will be the last big releases for the series this year, but I have two other possible side projects involving the Dave, and potentially involving y’all, at least in one case.
I’d like to publish a collection of fanfic stories from Dave World, but in a very particular way. I want to collect eye witness accounts of the war between the UnderRealms and the Above. An obvious example of this format from recent genre fiction is World War Z, but WWZ was itself drawn from Studs Terkel’s excellent oral history of WW2, The Good War.


What I’m looking for are first hand accounts from all over the world of the week the monsters came back. It could be your personal account. You could take on the role of another. I’m going to write a bunch of them myself, and I’ll edit those that come in. Some, I'll edit heavily.
Now the deets and logistics.
I’m planning to release this as a free book, almost certainly self published. It’s an experiment. I won’t be getting paid. You won’t be getting paid. But there is of course a benefit to me.
It’s funny how that works out.
I’ll be using this book to gather email addresses for a newsletter I plan to start publishing in the second half of the year. Long story short, anyone can get this ebook for free. At the end of the book there’ll be a link to a sign up page for the newsletter. Anyone who signs up gets a second book for free. Probably Demons of Buttecracke County. Yes, I’m going there.
Buttecracke will also be a self published experiment (pending approval from the various publishing Death Stars) but it will be available in two ways. A couple of bucks to buy. Free for the price of an email address. I’ve been doing some research into newsletters and they’re a proven way to service a fan base with the added advantage of providing a channel under my control to augment publisher’s marketing efforts. That’s all very Inside Baseball, but it's important for me to put it out there up front. If you contribute a story to the oral history of the monster wars, I will ruthlessly exploit it to harvest those email addys. And all you’ll get in return is a thank you, and maybe a little pat on the butt next time we meet. If you have a firm and pleasing butt, I might even throw you a squeeze.
If anyone is up for it I’ll use the email from the last fanfic festival
miniburgerfanfic AT gmail dot com.
IN BRIEF:

1st person story. 250-2500 words
Eye witness accounts from the first days of the Monster Wars.
Pay day? Nope.
Attribution? Yep.
COPY DUE June 30

59 Responses to ‘An Oral History of the Monster Wars’

WA n'ker has opinions thus...

Posted May 26, 2015
You bastard!I had that idea for the fanfic, "World War M"But I had a case of digitus in anusitis. Standby, readying for extraction.

Respond to this comment

Therbs asserts...

Posted May 26, 2015
Haven't completed my original three parter. Might use it to inform a different but tied in first person thing. The beauty of the eye witness pov is just because Dave doesn't know it happened is irrelevant given that he's so self absorbed. Plenty of room to play.

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insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted May 26, 2015
I'll give it a go. I'll even try to be less dark than usual, although it seems like a pretty grim collection. I don't care about the non existent pay day. The involvement will be sufficient.

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tqft reckons...

Posted May 26, 2015
Will try and work the idea I had last time into an eyewitness account.Hopefully won't get anywhere near the drama around here as last time and get to finish.

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she_jedi puts forth...

Posted May 26, 2015
Dammit, I'm still trying to finish my first bout of fanfic. Only discovered last week that writing part of it from Zach's point of view was a bust, and that it wouldn't work unless it was from Dave's point of view. He's SUCH a centre of attention whore. But yes, happy to give this a shot for a pat on the butt.

Murphy reckons...

Posted May 27, 2015
I know exactly how to handle Zach's POV.

she_jedi is gonna tell you...

Posted May 27, 2015
Cool! Any tips? :)

Murphy mumbles...

Posted May 27, 2015
Get Dave out of the room.

she_jedi ducks in to say...

Posted May 27, 2015
HA! Not helping Murph :)

Murphy mumbles...

Posted May 28, 2015
No, it is really is that simple. Just get Dave out of the room.

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GhostSwirv reckons...

Posted May 27, 2015

Sounds like a plan - oh and I promise, whatever spews forth will not be written using scriptwriting software ... So help me SkyLord.

Rhino puts forth...

Posted May 27, 2015
You could use scriptwriting software if you did a story as a "found footage" story. Someone's iPhone or camera found after the fact.
Genius, huh?
Kind of pissed (the Seppo use of the word) I am giving this idea away.

insomniac mutters...

Posted May 27, 2015
Your use of the word "pissed" is also acceptable here. Context is everything.

GhostSwirv puts forth...

Posted May 27, 2015
Hmmm, not bad ... I was thinking more the point that JB had to re-transcribe my last venture as the software clashed.

I'd like to be more compatible in the future.

Oh God - do I now have a Blood Debt to the Rhino?

Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted May 27, 2015
All who live owe this debt.
But Boylan gets 20%.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted May 27, 2015
Time permitting, I'm in.

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Rhino mumbles...

Posted May 27, 2015
Any other parameters like locations, etc?

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted May 27, 2015
Nope

insomniac has opinions thus...

Posted May 27, 2015
How about the level of sweary?

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted May 27, 2015
Nope.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted May 27, 2015
How about extremely graphic but pithy (in the style of Hemingway) descriptions of small children being eaten?

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted May 27, 2015
Knock yourself out.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted May 27, 2015
Oh, heavens no. I was just testing your limits. You apparently have none. I very much approve.

insomniac reckons...

Posted May 27, 2015
Just to be clear on the limits, or lack thereof, what if the narrator of the first hand account is eating the small children?

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GhostSwirv swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 27, 2015

I think that the Hipster Dufuss from Brunswick has found his way into the Melbourne Monster Altercation.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted May 27, 2015
When I read "Melbourne Monster Altercation" I flashed on a bunch of separatist anti-matter universe lesbians dressed as giant roaches chasing Hunn through St. Kilda into the ocean - and the Hunn are very frightened.

GhostSwirv mutters...

Posted May 27, 2015
I love your 'flash' ... of course for legal reasons they will be dark matter omniverse herbivores wearing Preying Mantis costumes leading Hunn on a Zumba-inspired dance through the Block Arcade.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted May 27, 2015
I am not concerned with legal concerns. I am far too busy wondering if the Decoy is still alive and, if so, whether or not he has sufficient Warrior Spirit to warrant a Dave-like transformation.

Anthony reckons...

Posted May 28, 2015
Not St Kilda - the zombie lesbians would be chasing them through Northcote (or the Zuyder Zee as the inimitable Red Symons calls it )

GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted May 28, 2015

I've just added Red Symons name to the List.

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Rob mumbles...

Posted May 27, 2015

What a neat idea and I love 'a Good War'. Probably one of our favourite books in our house. World War Z being an excellent copy of the format.

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John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted May 27, 2015
I hadn't, but he confirms a lot of my own research.

T2 reckons...

Posted May 27, 2015
One nice thing about not being a toady anymore is that I didn't even know these books were out yet. I read the Axis of Time trilogy because time travel interests me. Now I'll see if JB writes other stuff that I like? More to follow if...

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted May 27, 2015
Damn. I thought the toady ranks looked a little thin.

Respond to this thread

Rhino would have you know...

Posted May 27, 2015
OK, here is my first entry:
Police Interviews With Witnesses of the Kansas City Incursion.
"No shit Officer, I swear on my mother's grave it's true. That little swarthy guy over there, yeah him, he was swinging bottles and cackling like a demon. And then, that guy next to him wearing the Stetson, yeah, he was doing a 2-step on those little praying mantis things. No, no, I know how this must sound, but no, wait, that ain't all. See that professor looking guy over there? Yeah, he was chopping those things like a food processor on crack. I know, nuts, right? But the craziest craziest thing had to be that fat guy in the kilt smashing a freakin' monster with a potato masher. It was a nightmare and I didn't know who I was more afraid of, the old guys or the little monsters."

Murphy reckons...

Posted May 27, 2015
I think I was hiding under the bar with a double neat of Bulleit during this one. ;)

Rhino mumbles...

Posted May 27, 2015
Just wait until the wedding.

GhostSwirv asserts...

Posted May 27, 2015

You had me at ... 'with a double neat of Bulleit'.

Murphy ducks in to say...

Posted May 28, 2015
Skilz.

Rhino, what wedding? ;)

Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted May 28, 2015
Yours. Sheesh ... have we forgot about my follow-up to the bachelor party so quickly?

Bunyip asserts...

Posted May 28, 2015
Three odd looking guys, one wearing a Stetson...Does the fat guy own a cat?

Murphy has opinions thus...

Posted May 28, 2015
Sorry, Rhino, musta been hungover or somethin'.

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Darth Greybeard asserts...

Posted May 27, 2015
Here I go again...

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sparty2 mutters...

Posted May 28, 2015
can we get a "canon " time line- i.e. when Drakon first appear etc -when the various Dave battles happen..?

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted May 28, 2015
I'll knock one up.

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Rhino would have you know...

Posted May 28, 2015
Just had the idea for a story where a small group of monsters raids a rave and not only get drunk on blood but get dosed up on high concentrations of ecstasy as well ... and then discuss their feelings. And dance.

Rob would have you know...

Posted May 28, 2015

Like that episode of Futurama where Lurg from Omnicrom Persei i8 ate the hippy. and got a little high. and needed to take a break and have a sit down. 'must have been that hippy I ate' Dancing Hunn , how awesome.

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ShaneAlpha has opinions thus...

Posted May 28, 2015
Finished my story. Currently 2237 words but that may change because I want to do some polishing with this one. Hoping to land it in your email by the end of the weekend as I start a new job on Monday.

she_jedi ducks in to say...

Posted May 29, 2015
Well done Shane! Please stop making the rest of us look slack :)

ShaneAlpha mutters...

Posted May 31, 2015
Finished and winging it's way into JB's in box. Took half a dozen passes over it the last couple of days and think it's pretty tight. Came out at 2337 words after all the changes and revisions.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted June 1, 2015
Just got mine out the door.

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Brother PorkChop swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 24, 2015
Done. Took a leaf out of JBs book and ended it abruptly. Just to amuse my self as I had planned a longer gorier finale.

Brother PorkChop ducks in to say...

Posted July 6, 2015
JB, you sure there's no dosh in this? Bastards made me redundant again....In other news, the house is clean, the pizza oven is finally complete including a teppanyaki grill and I will do the long awaited bedroom decking this week. If only I had enough cash to retire!

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Surtac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted June 24, 2015

Sent mine off yesterday.


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Mr Lambada asserts...

Posted June 25, 2015
Pressd the button on mine this evening

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted June 26, 2015
Awesome

Respond to this thread

Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted June 29, 2015
Like uni, just scraped in before deadline.

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted June 29, 2015
Ha.

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Respond to 'An Oral History of the Monster Wars'

Burger Merch

Posted May 20, 2015 into House keeping by John Birmingham

And so it begins.

The Burger Shop.

I went with Redbubble on Wolfcat's recommendation. I can't vouch for them yet because I have no idea whether they're any good. But I've decided to dogfood my own merch by ordering a hoodie and a coffee mug.

I'll let you know if it's any good. I'm thinking about getting the art done again because it shows up as a solid block on any colour other than white. My inclination is to wait until I get my order before putting the Splodey Burger art up too, but if anyone is especially keen, let me know and I'll do it now.

82 Responses to ‘Burger Merch’

Rob puts forth...

Posted May 20, 2015
I bought a TISM teeshirt on redbubble. Its OK, but not a very trendy fittted teeshirt. So its kinda generic in that way. So its not like buying from a Rock Band Merch store, where they sell the nice slim fit teeshirts. My son has a redbubble store and the teeshirts we bought were OK when it was black/or colour on white material but the white on black can be a bit plasticky which is a bit naff if you live in the tropics and you end up a bit sticky underneath it.

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GhostSwirv reckons...

Posted May 20, 2015


I like the size of the coffe mug JB - still want some bright-burger though to design a Little Threshy clinging to a straw to drink my Antartica Java.

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HAVOCK21 reckons...

Posted May 20, 2015
cool, but I want HAVOCK on MINE! as well fkn!

Blarkon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 20, 2015
Where's the HAVOCK Merch?
FKN MUPPETS edition V12 Ute?CAP THE FKRS hats?HAVIN A FKN SHANDY hip flasks?Havock21 Branded Kate Beckinsale Real Doll?


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HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted May 20, 2015
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!is a studio fkn pouch? FFSAKES! or have they renamed the pussy fkn man bag thingmafknjig again

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 20, 2015
But I designed that specially for your cake baking tools.

HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted May 20, 2015
ROFL...ya fkn muppet!

pi puts forth...

Posted May 21, 2015
y'z r talkin like a coupla fkn wankrz.

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damian reckons...

Posted May 20, 2015
I bought the "I just want to fight tories - that's what I do" fighting Albo t-shirt from Redbubble a few years back. Quality is pretty good. I expect it to hang on credibly for a few years, even with tumble drying.
Some of these topical shirts don't last very well. I still have a screen printed "We interrupt this broadcast for a military coup" 4ZZZ t-shirt from 1989 (the paint was still wet when I bought that...), and sadly the fabric just hasn't lasted very well. I say "still have", but that means it's in a plastic box under the house somewhere. S'pose it's the sort of thing you could dig out and frame, if not totally shredded.

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HAVOCK21 asserts...

Posted May 20, 2015
im thinking it should be available in DPM as well!. Would be cool

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Barnesm mutters...

Posted May 20, 2015
Your photo on the merch site looks like one of the War Boys from Mad Max: Fury Road.

Sudragon is gonna tell you...

Posted May 20, 2015
It could be delibrerate....

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Barnesm ducks in to say...

Posted May 20, 2015
Also I can't find the hoodie on the site just T shirts.

HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted May 20, 2015
you forgot!...hes FKN OLD. SHEEEIT I bought a puffer and hoodie all in one the other day!....H is ROCKING IT WITH THE TIMES!

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 20, 2015
Hoodies are filed under tee shirts

HAVOCK21 asserts...

Posted May 20, 2015
LOL...well that figures!

Guru Bob asserts...

Posted May 20, 2015
Unfortunately that site only has sizes up to 3XL which is fine for all of you short arsed but doesn't cut it for someone of my stature...

Rhino would have you know...

Posted May 21, 2015
Unisex tshirts?!?!? WTF. How about manly Rhino and GB tshirts!

Anthony has opinions thus...

Posted May 23, 2015

What's wrong with Unisex - I had lots of sex when I was at Uni...


Well, some anyway.

Respond to this thread

Abe Frellman reckons...

Posted May 20, 2015
I think we've reached peak cheeseburger.
Remember when we used to talk about politics and economics and financial crises and how much smarter than everyone else Lobes is?

GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted May 20, 2015

I think I saw that last comment on a tee-shirt once.

Lobes mumbles...

Posted May 20, 2015
Some of us are still having that conversation Abe, even if I have to yell it at the moon.

Blarkon asserts...

Posted May 21, 2015
Where's the shirt with 3 Lobes shouting at the moon?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted May 21, 2015
I have t T shirt with a smiling, happy, middle class family on the front, and on the back reads "I see it—coming here—hell-wind—titan blur—black wings—Yog-Sothoth save me—the three-lobed burning eye!!"

A T Shirt with 3 lobes, indeed.

Abe Frellman reckons...

Posted May 21, 2015
Three Lobes, the perfect foil to Brainthrust Leonard. I feel another Bedak play coming on.

Lobes asserts...

Posted May 22, 2015
Threes a crowd guys

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted May 23, 2015
If there is another Bedak play, I want to play Mr. Bishara, the gruff, but lovable Syrian landlord.

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Lobes puts forth...

Posted May 20, 2015
Im on board with this but seriously keep your coffee mug, where are the stubbie coolers?

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted May 20, 2015
Where indeed.

ShaneAlpha swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 22, 2015
But surely stubbie holders will hide the label of the refined artisanal brew that the average burger quaffs thus depriving the lesser plebs of the sight of their betters enjoying themselves.

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Guru Bob mutters...

Posted May 20, 2015
Mmm stubbie coolers...

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted May 22, 2015
My light green Tassie Babes (a nod to Man Clumsy) stubby cooler has a B rating. B rated Stubby coolers can leave home for a very short & frequently reviewed list of venues, also they can be lent to visitors at home, as compared to A rated.

Respond to this thread

Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
I think our mascot naturally has to be a cigar chompin', machine gun totin', Rhino.

Rhino mutters...

Posted May 22, 2015
I like the cut of your jib, Murph.

Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 22, 2015
Skilz.

Respond to this thread

Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
Oh, beer mugs! We need beer mugs with Cheeseburger Gothic etched on them!

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted May 21, 2015
Whiskey glasses as well.

Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted May 21, 2015
I can get them - nicely etched glasses

Surtac reckons...

Posted May 21, 2015

Yes - we need whiskey glasses.


Brother PorkChop mumbles...

Posted May 21, 2015
I am on it.

Respond to this thread

she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted May 21, 2015
And shirts cut for the ladieeez. Even if it's just me and I'm being inconveniently demanding. Unisex cuts are fine if you're sans curves but seriously unflattering if you have boobage.

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted May 21, 2015
Huzzah for boobage.

ShaneAlpha puts forth...

Posted May 22, 2015
So, a ladies The Dave Tshirt with Dave printed at stomach level and looking up?

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted May 22, 2015
Hahahahahaha

Respond to this thread

Abe Frellman swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
On reflection (ie I've spotted an angle that helps me) maybe you could expand this concept to a Cheeseburger Gothic Bazaar...where all your old favourites could sell their wares under the Burger banner. While I don't think even my Spicy Spicy Merguez (TM) would survive being sent through the mail, there is plenty of Frellman's merch that would go ok here. And let's face it, there's a certain Vistaprint Sameness (TM pending) to the range at the moment... I think you'd really get the hearts racing with a few "Frellman's - the ONLY sausage worth hiding" t-shirts / lunchboxes / condoms, now wouldn't you?
So how's about it?
Symbiosis FTW!

John Birmingham asserts...

Posted May 21, 2015
My people will in contact. With your sausage.

GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted May 21, 2015

JB, I seriously recommend you get 'your people - AKA ThePNB' to begin negotiations with LEGO to licence the designs of the Horde, including Sliveen, Drakens and of course the Scooby Gang, featuring TheDave.

The Hunn may need some extra loin cloths but I'm sure there's a market for this type of merch amongst the die-hard Burger fans.

Abe Frellman asserts...

Posted May 21, 2015
frellmanATgmail.com

Anthony has opinions thus...

Posted May 23, 2015
If it features the Frellman sausage, shouldn't it be a Cheeseburger Bizarre?

Respond to this thread

HAVOCK21 is gonna tell you...

Posted May 21, 2015
BAR MAT!

Brother PorkChop asserts...

Posted May 21, 2015
Body armour

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted May 22, 2015
Body armour that can be used as a bar mat.

Respond to this thread

Blarkon has opinions thus...

Posted May 21, 2015
John Birmingham Action Figure with Gold Plated Hovercraft Playset. Bunnies and Apple Watch Accessories Sold Separately.

yankeedog puts forth...

Posted May 21, 2015
And Kung-Fu Grip...

Respond to this thread

Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted May 21, 2015
http://www.aswegrowlearningtoys.com.au/WebRoot/ecshared01/Shops/asas3498/531E/8CD2/2A3B/A65B/381F/AC10/0040/8DA6/Possum_0020_hand_0020_puppet_0020_As_0020_We_0020_Grow_0020_learning_0020_Toys_0020_Adelaide_0020_Puppets.jpg
Where is the JB hand puppet to go with this?

Quokka has opinions thus...

Posted May 21, 2015
Well that's sad. Why didn't the link to the possum hand pocket work? Don't tell me you've managed to possum proof your blog but not your ceiling.

insomniac mumbles...

Posted May 22, 2015
Possum hand pocket

Type your text first, then select, then click on LINK and add the url

Respond to this thread

Chaz swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
I mean who wears white hoodies (except EDL yobs?)

Respond to this comment

yankeedog swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
Well, all right. Might have to put in for a T-shirt or a hoodie...or maybe get a little comp, you know, for being a long time Friend Of The Program...

Nah, congrats!

Respond to this comment

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
The beer mugs must be skulls.

Brother PorkChop swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 21, 2015
Drop Bear skulls

Blarkon mutters...

Posted May 21, 2015
Possum skulls

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted May 22, 2015
Hunn skulls. Who is to say if they are & morphologicly inaccurate.

Respond to this thread

BigWillieStyle asserts...

Posted May 21, 2015
You're quite blatantly leaning to the left in your Redbubble mug shot. I'd be expecting a call from Malcolm Turnbull soon.

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BigWillieStyle reckons...

Posted May 21, 2015
A Ducati would make a good addition to the merch list.

Respond to this comment

Peter Bradley would have you know...

Posted May 21, 2015
Christmas.....sorted!

Respond to this comment

HAVOCK21 asserts...

Posted May 21, 2015
OI!..customisation!

Lt Colonel A H P B52 FKN DRIVER

BAck side.

I FKN FLATTENED New YORK!

Rhino asserts...

Posted May 22, 2015
Havok, old man, we are old news. Sent to the island of characters past.
There I'll be no merch for the likes of us.

Respond to this thread

Respond to this comment

NBlob asserts...

Posted May 22, 2015
OT but very burger-relevant. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-22/australia-next-submarine-fleet-obsolete-due-to-drone-warfare/6488618

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NBlob reckons...

Posted May 23, 2015
Casino beef week? What fresh madness is this. Beef week is BeefweekNo impersonation, replication nor substitution of such an institution will be Tolerated.This affront shall not stand.I impeach thee, summon the 1000. Ready the War Elephant. This agri-whore, stained with the use by tractor salesmen and tordon reps, dare pull her rags about her and mimic, nay ape the most sacred, the most pure and good Beefweek.

w from brisbane ducks in to say...

Posted May 23, 2015
Nice try, NBlob. But your beef week only goes for 6 days, my beef week goes for a full week and a half. Oh yeah, baby....I think that's a slam dunk!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted May 24, 2015
I know of Clams Casino. I know of Oysters Casino. I even know of a mixed cocktail called a Casino. But I've never heard of Beef Casino. Apparently there is such a thing, and your convivial rivalry over who's Casino Beef tastes the best is a strong indicator that it is delicious and prized. But regardless of how good it tastes, why eat it for an entire week? Is this sort of a reverse-Lent kind of thing that is a hallmark of your Godless society, where, instead of abstaining, you overindulge for a week?

In the end I really don't care about any of that. But I would like to know where I can get some.

NBlob mutters...

Posted May 24, 2015
No beef for you. 2 weeks.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted May 25, 2015
Fuck you. You aren't the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do. I eat what I want.

In all honesty, I don't eat a lot of beef. Cattle ranching results in deforestation and leaves an enormous carbon footprint upon the earth. And beef is seriously unhealthy.

But because you told me I can't eat beef, I'm gonna eat all I can! And then some! And then I'm gonna eat some more! THAT its the American Way. And I'm gonna hold my assault rifle - with the safety switched off - and wear my "God Makes Weather to Reward the Righteous and Punish the Wicked" T-shirt and smoking a cigarette and drinking a really, really big plastic bucket full of brand name cola while I'm gorging on all that non organic, mega-farm produced beef. THAT is what liberty is all about.

And, damn it, I'm gonna find a recipe for Casino Beef. If I can find a reasonably appealing recipe for Fruit Bat Soup (cumin is key) then how on earth can the recipe for Casino Beef be so hard to find?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted May 25, 2015
My wife just informed me that "Casino Beef Week" is an annual festival held in Casino (a small town southwest of Mullumbimby) celebrating the cattle industry - an annual celebration similar to the Monterey Squid Festival and the Gilroy Garlic Festival here in California. So there is no recipe for Casino Beef, which explains why I cannot locate one.

I feel such the fool. And no amount of convenient jingoism provides a remedy, even if illusory.

Fucking Australians.

insomniac asserts...

Posted May 25, 2015
I was in Tamworth over the weekend. Home to beef farmers and country music and the Big Golden Guitar. It's so big and so golden that we drove straight past it without noticing it, in the middle of the day, with blazing sunshine. It was a disappointment to say the least. I was also disappointed in the townsfolk, who in prime cowboy country, failed to be getting around in the appropriate clothing. I won't be going there again any time soon.

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Anthony has opinions thus...

Posted May 23, 2015

The Cheeseburger series of automatic weapons?

Perhaps a series of axes? (The axes of evil?)

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Bangar has opinions thus...

Posted May 25, 2015
A range of Burger knives perhaps?

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Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted May 26, 2015
Dolls. Errrr, I meant collectible action figures.

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