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GoT S7 E1 Raven On Recap: Dragonstone

Posted July 18 into Raven On by girlclumsy

HOLY F**K YES ARYA F***ING STARK!

You beautiful thing. You beautiful, deadly thing. You’re like a snake. No, better than a snake. You’re like a cunning honey badger. You don’t give a shit. Except unlike the internet honey badgers, you hate MRAs. Oh you HATE THEM. And the Freys are MRAs, make no mistake. They would happily subdue your rights as an independent avenging assassin just trying to make her way in the world. They are exactly the kind of man-babies that would cry over a woman Doctor Who. SO YOU KILL ALL THOSE MR-FREYS and YOU KILL THEM GOOD.

Oh gods, I’m drooling.

When the first person to appear on my screen in Season Seven Game of Thrones was Walder f***ing Frey, I almost tipped over my Pepsi Max. My thought process over the next three seconds ran thus:

“What the HELL is going on, Arya just slit his THROAT, that piece of crap is DEAD, oh SHIT that’s ARYA, in Faceless Man mode, OHHHHH THEY ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.”

I have never been so happy.

Don’t worry, Jon Snow appeared not long after and I got happier, but OH ARYA BABY BIRD YOU GOTTA FLY.

Throw away the Dornish goon! Pour out the Arbour Penfolds! Everybody toast! Everybody drink! (Except you, innocent servant girl) Everybody choke! Everybody collapse! As the aforementioned Doctor might exclaim if s/he was feeling particularly persnickety - EVERYBODY DIES!

The North Remembers.... to murder!

And with that, welcome to another series of Raven On, the recaps that aren’t so much measured, analytical critiques of Game of Thrones, as emotional dry-humping on a feverish level.

The credit sequence had barely started and I already felt like I needed a post-coital cigarette. Was it good for you too, beloved readers? Not so much la petite mort as LE GRANDE MORT several times over with a sensual massage afterwards.

I’m so happy our show is back. I’m so happy that my recaps are back. I hope you’re happy too, bizarre sexual fetishes aside. I couldn’t do this without you. You are the yin to my yang. The Sonny to my Cher. The Titanic to my iceberg. Let’s sink together and never let go.

Season 7, Episode 1: “Dragonstone” or “HASHTAG GIRL BOSS”.

Yes, there’s definitely a lot of ladies making their presence known and respected in this fantastic opening episode. It’s not a perfect all-encompassing theme, but what the hell, let’s start as we mean to proceed.

Can we take a moment first and appreciate the MOTHERF***ING GIANT ZOMBIE WIGHTS, trudging south along with the rest of the dreary foot soldiers in the White Walker’s frosty army? Now we know what happened to the valiant Stampy’s brothers and sisters… reanimated to become Soldiers of Chilly Doom. On the day we lost zombie maestro George Romero, it feels fitting to have this latest incarnation of that particular body horror placed front and centre in our minds.

Next let’s just get this out of the way: Bran’s back at Castle Black. Meera looked exhausted, Bran freaked out Dolorous Edd with some clever mentalism, they let them in, here’s hoping there’s a plot development next week. Done.

Now down to Winterfell, where there is much more hot Jon Snow action. The King in the North (oh, I go weak at the knees just writing that) is holding court in what appears to be the same gathering of lords that acclaimed him at the end of last season. I mean, it can’t be, given that events seemed to have moved on by two weeks and Brienne is now in attendance, but they’re certainly all dressed the same and seated in the same position. I guess if I could only have Jon Snow in one position, I’d still take it.

Anyway, Jon and Sansa, the SUPERIOR STARK SIBLINGS, are there, and they’re together, and it’s perfect, and I can’t get enough of it. Jon talks about the need to create a dragon glass inventory, and to train everybody between the ages of 10 and 60 in how to handle his weapon. I mean weapons, in general.

Yes, it’s true - my beloved is an equal opportunist. I’M SO PROUD. He saw Ygritte fight, he knows women are not delicate beings who couldn’t possibly swing a sword or pilot a TARDIS. Sure, it’s a numbers game more than anything, but that doesn’t stop me wanting to really Germaine Jon’s Greers.

Captain Darling, sorry, Lord Glover, attempts some ovary-shaming but cops a well-deserved spray from our Hero of Heroes, Lyanna Mormont.

“I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me… and I don’t need your permission to defend the North.”

Bitch, please.

Forget your anti-capitalist-Wall-Street-bull-statues, here’s your real Fierce Girl. NO MAN will tell the Little Bear not to fight, and by the gods if we don’t get a Rocky-style training Mor-montage I am going to write to my MP. I am not a crackpot.

Jon then requests Tormund and the wildlings take the job of manning the towers along The Wall. Now, Jon, my love - you cannot be serious in sending Tormund Giantsbane to The Wall for this whole series? What about a little thing called “Tormienne”? You must care about this romance Jon. Tormund is never going to convince Brienne to ride his great free folk into the wild blue yonder if he’s hundreds of miles away in creaky old Eastwatch-by-the-Sea.

But somebody has to go because that’s the direction the White Walkers will come from, and that’s where the trouble starts.

Jon, in the blue corner, wants to forgive the traitorous houses and bring them back under the Stark banner. In the red corner, Sansa has a little Sansplaining to do about loyalty and reward, betrayal and punishment. It got awkward, even for Brienne.

"I would rather be fighting a bear right now."

Thing is, my girl Sansa has a POINT. The Karstarks and Umbers were vicious backstabbing pricks whose mouths were writing cheques BOO HISS RAMSAY BOLTON couldn’t cash. Good riddance, and a pox on both their houses.

Except Jon is right. Jon is always right. Sigh.

When he calls forth the heirs to House Umber and Karstark, they turn out to be SWEET LITTLE BABIES. There’s no point in punishing these children for the poor decisions of their fathers. The White Walkers won’t care they’re douche-spawn. The North cannot be divided by internal ructions that might grow in resentful kiddie minds. Much better to secure their loyalty now, while they’re young. But in an inspiring way, not a grooming way, don’t be gross.

Later, we see that Jon is not happy about being Sansplained to. “I’m the King now, don’t undermine me!” he says - and it’s got to be said - in a slightly whiny way. YES. YOU READ THAT. I JUST MILDLY CRITICISED JON SNOW. I am a grown woman and I can recognise when my beloved is being a tad bratty. I would offer to spank that out of him, but it turns out Sansa is way ahead of me. In an assertive way, not a Lannister way, don’t be gross.

Sansa almost compared Jon to Joffrey and he was so sad at even the idea
of that but then she took it back but LOOK AT THAT FACE. #broodygoals

She tells him that she loves and missed Ned and Robb but by jeez, by jingo, by crikey they were thicker than my thighs in lycra, and that’s not going to cut it against Cersei. Jon has to make like 90s pop star Des’ree: he’s gotta be bad, gotta be bold, gotta be wiser. Yes, he’s gotta be hard, he’s gotta be tough, he’s gotta be stronger. You could even say he’s gotta be cool, he’s gotta be calm, he’s gotta stay together (If I’ve done my job you’re now singing the end bit).

When Jon asks if he’s supposed to be smarter by listening to his sister, her answer is “Would that be so terrible?”

YES, SANSA, YES. PUNCH THE SKY. YOU ARE MY REIGNING RESOLUTE RANGA.

Jon gets a raven from Darth Cersei, demanding he go to the capital and bend the knee or suffer a traitor’s death. Jon’s jam is the Night King (I always thought it was Night’s?), but Sansa cautions him about his enemy to the south, someone she grudgingly seems to respect.

This is what I want - two siblings, both clever, both brave, both determined, supporting but challenging each other. Jon is used to fighting alone for everything, and always facing a battle in trying to convince people a maelstrom of frosty badness is heading their way. Now he’s got his chance to lead without question, but that’s exactly what Sansa needs to do. Question him. She may not be right, but it’s important he hear reasoned, experienced voices, and hers is more valid than most. She’s lived in the South, she knows Cersei, and she’s a survivor. She knows their war on the wicked winds of winter will be worthless if their army is whipped on another front, so damnit Jon, you listen to her or I’ll have to punish you. Oh please the Gods let me punish you.

I don’t know about you, but I got my second awwww-gasm of the episode with some casual Tormienne action in the Winterfell yard. Tormund casually mosied up to Brienne as she trained Pod, causing her to become slightly distracted. When Pod got a hit in, Brienne turned around and beat him the ground, prompting Tormund to exclaim “You are a lucky man.” BOOM.

"You know I have all my own teeth. And I get can get you more, if you want."

There was also a moment with Littlefinger trying his usual sleaze on Sansa. “Oh, sweetie, you’re not happy, you should smile more, oh pretty baby, how can Uncle Petyr make things better?” OH F*** OFF BAELISH YOU UNEARTHLY CREEP. Brienne shares our attitude, but Sansa is pragmatic. While Littlefinger controls the Knights of the Vale, she has to put up with his leering and negging. Thank heavens Sansa appears to have already read “The Game”, so she was able to shut him down before his clever final remark, which probably would have been a backhanded compliment or a magic trick.

Let’s turn now to King’s Landing, Darth Cersei, and the GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP.

Can I say how much I enjoyed the fact that the GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP was being finished as Jaime turned up? Normally those things just *exist* in movies and TV shows, you never see them being created. Picture it now, Cersei on some interminably dull home renovation show, demanding new bathroom fittings for the Red Keep, a cheeky timber deck, and an extra-detailed GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP on pain of death?

Breaking News: Cersei drinks wine.

Cersei seems more confident than we’ve seen her in a while, but then I suppose blowing up all your capital city-based enemies is bound to be a better motivator than the cheesiest of Anthony Robbins self-help tapes. She’s cognisant of their many broader enemies (hooray for Olenna Tyrell that “old c***” traitor!), and reserves her deepest hate for their brother Tyrion, now at the right hand side of Daenarys Targaryen.

Jaime is more circumspect. He’s not angry at his big sis’, but he is concerned that her judgement is clouding, and she’s not seeing the very real dangers faced by her Seven, sorry Three, Kingdoms. Cersei’s gone into full emotional shutdown, even blaming Tommen for his own death. When Jaime Lannister is the 1990s-style Sensitive New Age Guy, you know you’re in trouble.

But Cersei has a Plan to conquer recalcitrant, independent types in Dorne, the Reach, the North and on Dragonstone. She’s invited Old Mate Euron to court.

Euron, as we remember, was last seen telling his followers to chop down all five trees on the Iron Islands and build him a thousand ships. The Salties seem to have come through, complete with fancy calamari duco on the prows. Quite a feat for a broke-ass shitpile of a kingdom.

In all black with a tight leather jacket open to show off his chest, Old Mate Euron is dressed like the ultimate self-confident mouth Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park. Whisk off the ostentatious moustache and add some thick-rimmed specs and you’ve got Dr Malcolm in the middle of the Throne Room.

Like Sam Neill in Jurassic Park, Jaime is cynical of Old Mate Euron’s ability and trustworthiness, but the Ironborn just proposes to Cersei and sasses back about having two working hands. Dr Malcolm flirted with his hands - remember the chaos theory demonstration with Laura Dern? I swear this analogy has got legs.

Cersei rejects Euron’s offer of marriage and wow how could you when it was just so appealing.

"I'm always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs Euron."

But Euron’s not going take no for an answer. He’s got a lot of love (cock) to give, so he’s going to go find a fancy-schmancy engagement present and then Cersei will surely forget everything she just said and jump his salty bones. BECAUSE LIFE FINDS A WAY.

The Hound faces an inconvenient truth, and not in the form of the severe climate change currently wending its way south. The Brotherhood Without Banners turns up at a cabin he once stayed in with Arya, before beating up the farmer who owned it and stealing all their valuables.

That clearly ended well for the farmer, who appears to have stabbed his daughter then himself rather than let them die of starvation. This makes Sandor Clegane feel emotions he’s not used to, such as… regret, and is that… sadness?

He’s helped along by Ser Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr, who tell him while they have no idea what they’re meant to do, the Lord of Light knows they’re meant to do something. The Hound then sees a vision in the flames, particularly impressive given his natural reticence to fire. It’s The Wall, and shambling dead zombie bastards, and there’s thousands of them… and oh shit, he’d better bury those nice farmers to make amends for his previously shitty behaviour.

You know the one gourmet dish I cook is a chicken recipe where I cover the pieces in heated brandy then set fire to the whole bally lot of them. I’ve never seen anything in the flames except for some scorch marks on the splashback. Denied.

And now for something completely different. Sam Tarly’s new song!

When you're alone, and life is making you lonely
You know you are there
OLD TOWN
When you are cleaning, in ways so demeaning
Like a chump you’re in
OLD TOWN
Just look around and see the Citadel is really gritty
Linger in the washroom scrubbing chamber pots so shitty
How can you win?
You should steal some Maester’s keys
You can sneak into the library, steal all that you please
So go
OLD TOWN
Get some good books in that
OLD TOWN
Try to help Jon from that
OLD TOWN
Gilly is waiting for you


That repeated montage (mon-Tarl-age? Yeah, ok, that’s a stretch) of Sam doing his entry-level Maester training was really cleverly done. Good bit of filmmaking that, well done team.

But hey, am I going blind or was that JIM BROADBENT as Sam’s friendly autopsy instructor? I loved the way he describe the corpse’s cause of death: a triumph of transitory pleasures. Oh man, I could do with some transitory pleasures. I’m such a nerd I don’t even drink properly. How can I possibly hit on that Game of Thrones trivia host who was dressed as Jon Snow without at least a chardy under my belt? Erm… did I write that out loud?

The point is, Sam doesn’t think anyone will believe him when he talks about the White Walkers. But the Post-Mortem Maester reminds him that the people of the Citadel are different. He also makes the valid point that every winter that has ever come has also gone. The prospect of helping end winter faster emboldens Sam to take the risk and break his way into the restricted section of the library and AMAZINGLY find the right kind of books straight away.

Later, Gilly helps him comb through the weighty tomes even though he probably needs his rest after shovelling diseased ordure all day (I hope he at least washed his hands before opening those books or playing with wee baby Sam).

If only one of those books included a description of "coffee".

He miraculously happens upon a very important piece of information, which is that Dragonstone is home to a shitload of shiny dragon glass, just buried and waiting for an incredibly handsome and noble King in the North to go there and dig it out with his strong, powerful hands that would give such good neck rubs if only I could convince him I exist.

“Jon must know!” Sam declares, before heading back to work.

Did anybody else FLIP THE F*** out when that stony arm came bursting through the isolation cell window? I KNEW Ser Jorah would wind up in Old Town! “Has she come yet, the Dragon Queen?” he asks hoarsely (does greyscale affect the vocal chords?) “Errr… no?” Sam replies, moving hurriedly on. For Gods’ sake Sam, stop and have a chat. I know he’s a diseased and intense old bugger, but he could HELP YOU.

Which brings us to the final sequence of this episode: Daenarys returning to Dragonstone.

The mise-en-scene was suitably grand and imposing for the prodigal daughter. Dany stopped on the beach to touch the sand of her home island. Like all other sand, it was wet and gritty. So she moved on, Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm at her side, up the long windy parapets to the castle.

HERE BE DRAGONS

Kudos to Dany for not even breaking a sweat despite those thick winter robes; if that were me I would have been panting “Show me...the throne room...what’s this Baratheon… banner…. Sorry does anyone have any water?”

Finally, she and Tyrion enter what was once Aegon’s RPG conquering table, but more recently was Stannis and Melisandre’s nookie desk. Placing herself at the head of the table, she glances at Tyrion and simply states “Shall we begin?”

GIRL HAS COME HOME. THIS IS HER HOUSE. HER RULES NOW, BITCHAZ.

It was a grand finale, although I have to admit that for me it didn’t quite match the visceral exuberance of Arya’s opening number. But then, what could?

Yay! Best Moments

Clearly Arya takes this one by a large bottle of the finest pinot gris. Also, I should mention that sweet little dinner break scene she shared with a gaggle of Lannister soldiers, including Ed Sheeran (as you do). Far from beating her, taking her sword or worse, they offer her food, drink and company, and basically turn out to be nice, everyday chaps just doing their bit to keep the peace. When Arya tells them she’s off to King’s Landing to kill the Queen, you just knew the tension would be broken by disbelieving laughter. Oh, you sweet summer children.

Zing! Best Lines

I have to give this to the Hound for his stinging rebuke on Thoros of Myr. “You’re not fooling anyone with that top knot, you bald c***”. Top knots, man buns, it’s a hipster hair haven here in Westeros.

Ew, gross

That Citadel is a turd-world facility.

Boo sucks

There’s… there’s not going to be any nudity at all this season, is there?

Thank you so much for reading, Beloved Throners, I know it’s been an epic long one. A special thanks to all my Patreon subscribers, particularly Vicki R, Mark B, Elle W, Paul K and Ghalia N. You are sexier than Tormund in bear fur. If you want to jump onboard the Patreon love train, head over here and pledge!

16 Responses to ‘GoT S7 E1 Raven On Recap: Dragonstone’

TheWah ducks in to say...

Posted July 18
An undead Stampy? A ... Stampire?

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted July 18
TAKE A BOW.

Respond to this comment

Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted July 18
I, for one, celebrate the return of our recap overlord, the Mother of Kittens.

Bondiboy66 is gonna tell you...

Posted July 18
I shall join with you in toasting her return! Just not with any of that Arbor crap the Freys get served.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted July 18
Goon for all!

Respond to this thread

Barnesm mutters...

Posted July 18
Its not Game of Thrones without your recaps. I have to politely disagree with you on one thing its the best line. thanks to the hound I now have a new reply when people at work asking me why I am always so grumpy.

"Why are you always in such a foul mood?"

"experience"

TheWah mumbles...

Posted July 18
So many zingers in this episode.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted July 18
Pretty much everything The Hound said was gold.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted July 18
Although Sansa's 'No need to seize the last work Lord Baelish, I will assume it was something clever" is up there as well.

Respond to this comment

Jeats mutters...

Posted July 18
No nudity....

Well - Winter has come after all.

:)

Respond to this comment

girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted July 18
I realised there WAS actually a bit of nudity .... but it was just the cut-open corpse on the Post-Mortem Maester's table. And let's just say rigor mortis had well and truly passed.

Respond to this comment

spankee swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 18
Arya was disguised as Fauxlder Frey.

I SAID, SHE WAS DISGUISED AS FAUXLDER FREY.

I'll get my coat.

Respond to this comment

jl reckons...

Posted July 18
Love these recaps!

Respond to this comment

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted July 18
I watched the opening scene five times in a row.

You gotta give Littlefinger some respect, Nat. he is going to end up winning this Great Game.

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted July 18
No need to seize the last work Lord Boylan, I will assume it was something clever.

Respond to this thread

Sparty has opinions thus...

Posted July 18
Awesome, "Oldtown" was worth the price of admission alone (which I haven't paid Patreon the Iron Price yet but will ;-) .

Not quite in the same league but also fun, new Gay of Thrones recap on Funny or Die.

"........even Game of Thrones had a montage"

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Respond to 'GoT S7 E1 Raven On Recap: Dragonstone'

Game of Thrones S7: The Top 9 Characters They Absolutely Cannot Kill Off Because Seriously I Won't Cope

Posted July 16 into Raven On by girlclumsy

The number of characters in Game of Thrones that we desperately want to see the back of is rapidly diminishing. Old Mate Euron Greyjoy has been hyped as the next Big Bad, but we’ll have to wait and see if he can match Ramsay Bolton for brutish psychopathy.

The downside of this is if there are fewer bad people to kill, our dear friends at HBO might start killing off…. gulp...our favourites. In some cases, we can sort-of-maybe-kind-of understand how death may be necessary: Can Ser Jorah survive his greyscale? Might Beric Dondarrion finally run out of lives? Might Jaime die at the hands of his girlfriend/blood relative?

But there are some characters who CANNOT, nay, MUST NOT be harmed. Every hair on their head is a blessing from the gods old and new, and I honestly will lose my shit if anything happens to them. Help me, HBO, you’re my only hope (of retaining some shred of dignity and not bawling like a recalcitrant toddler).

Jon Snow

You got him once. You're not getting him again. I mean it.

Arya Stark

The world's most reluctant lady is now a fearsome, not-to-be-messed with assassin. I'm honestly not sure how her story will play out this season - will she head straight for winterfell to reunite with Jon and Sansa, or will she head south from the Twins and try to take on cersei and finish off her infamous hit list? Will she at least get word to Winterfell to let them know she's alive?

Could she find a new travelling partner and create another one of the show's brilliant dynamic duos? Think Tyrion and Bronn, Jaime and Bronn, Jaime and Brienne, Brienne and Pod, and of course the Hound and Arya? Or will she make hundreds of fanboy theorists' dreams come true and reunite with her direwolf Nymeria? Whatever happens, we have all been onboard with Arya's revenge fantasy since she first starting reciting her to-kill list. Nothing must interfere.

Tyrion Lannister

Has there been a character who captured hearts and minds so immediately as Tyrion Lannister? From the moment we first saw him - fittingly, in a brothel - we have adored his wit, honesty, intelligence and occasionally even bravery.

He’s been disrespected, mistreated, put down, put upon, beaten up, backstabbed, front stabbed and threatened with cock removal - but here he is, newly minted Hand of the Queen and champion of House Targaryen.

There is conflict to come with his sister Cersei, now sitting pretty on the Iron Throne, and the current biggest obstacle for his new boss achieving her own career goals. There are of course those persistent rumours that Tyrion himself is more Targaryen than Lannister, but however that pans out, there will still be a reckoning.

Whatever happens, Tyrion defined the Game of Thrones, and so must prevail. I mean, he must… right? Despite everything that’s come before in this damn series, they surely, SURELY, cannot kill the dwarf… right?

Sansa Stark

It's possible Sansa has grown the most of any GoT character. Daenarys was a manipulated sister and wife early on, but quickly grew into her regal genetics. Jon was always noble, honorable and concerned with the bigger picture, and his brush with Death (oh to be Death just to brush him once) only intensified those drives. But Sansa has been through the wringer. From spoiled entitled princess brat, to prisoner plaything to a sadistic fiancé at King's Landing, to reluctant bride to Tyrion, prize chess piece for Littlefinger's desire, to survivor of brutal abuse at the hands of a psychotic monster - Sansa weathered all that and emerged one of the most fully rounded characters on the show.

Still a sensitive person, she has developed emotional armour by reconnecting hard with her Stark ancestry. It was she that forced Jon into action to retake Winterfell. It was Sansa who told Jon Rickon was lost the night before he was taken down by Ramsay's arrows. It was Sansa who overcame her revulsion at Littlefinger to cut a deal with him and get the Knights of the Vale to save the day at the Battle of the Bastards. I don't believe she will resent Jon for his elevation to King in the North, but I will understand if tension develops. Jon may have been stabbed six times and died, but Sansa suffered a death of a thousand cuts, and her rebirth has been epic. Long may she reign.

Davos Seaworth

Ned Stark was the moral heart of this world until it was stopped abruptly by the loss of another organ. Lucky then we had Ser Davos Seaworth able to pick up the beat from Season 2 onwards. The Onion Knight, one time smuggler turned surprise war hero and valued counsellor to Stannis Baratheon, is a truly good man when that is an undesirable and even dangerous quality to have. Indeed, it is one of Stannis' few redeeming features that despite his leap into Lord of Light crazy town, he retained Davos as an adviser. It's also one of Melisandre's redeeming features that she let him.

Davos' relationship with Shireen - she taught him to read, he made her feel special and valued when her parents couldn't be bothered - was one of the most tender we've seen on the show. His rage upon discovering how she died was tempered by true heartbreak over the loss of a good child, the real bright spark Stannis should have valued.

With Stannis gone, Davos offered his services to Jon Snow, recognising in him at once the sort of leadership and determination that Stannis had once had, but which had been twisted. It is Davos we have to thank for bringing Jon back in the first place - despite his eminent practicality and religious scepticism, it is he who asks Kate Bush "Hey, know any magic...?"

I cannot imagine him anywhere now but by Jon's side, the barometer of bullshit, a practical pragmatic with a rough charm that works a treat on brave but cautious people (case in point: Lyanna Mormont). Kill him off, and there will be tears - no onions necessary.

Sam Tarly

By all rights Sam Tarly should not have made it out of Season 1 alive. If Ser Alliser Thorne had had his way, he would have been a real-life punching (and stabbing) bag for trainee Black Brothers. But where’s Ser Alliser now? Food for worms after his treasonous attack on our most precious. And where’s Sam? Doing his best Disney princess frolic in the world’s biggest library.

Along the way, he has used his clever noggin to rescue Gilly and her bub, and work out that obsidian glass could be used to kill White Walkers (although admittedly that was an accident. But he kept calm in a crisis, and that counts).

When Jon sent him off at the end of Season 5 to become the new Maester of the Night’s Watch, he knew only Sam would have the smarts to figure out what other skills/equipment might be handy in helping stave off the end of the world. And he was smart enough to nick off with Heartsbane (or more suitably as we’ve dubbed it, “Heartsbae”) during a side trip with Gilly to the Tarly ancestral home Horn Hill.

While we may wish we were a Jon or a Dany, we are actually all Sam. We’re the ones who aren’t physically perfect, we’re not natural warriors or leaders, but damnit we a half-decent brain and a sense of curiosity and we get things done. Occasionally we have our own little hero moment, such as when Sam left Gilly at Horn Hill for approximately 13 seconds, before changing his mind and declaring they stick together, no matter what.

That’s why Sam’s entrance into the Oldtown library spoke volumes (look at that pun!). It was an achievable goal, something we could recognise in our own lives. Sam was a smart guy; his Xanadu was that library. Maybe ours is something different - a new job, a fitness goal, a pay rise, a positive Tinder date. It’s something grand when it happens, and because it’s not out of the realm of possibility, we keep on truckin’ ‘til we get it.

Tormund Giantsbane and Brienne of Tarth

Clearly these two are incredibly important in their own right but it’s the tantalising possibility of something sexy happening between them that makes it vitally important both of them stay very much alive.

Tormund is the ferocious ginger warrior wildling; Brienne is the ferocious blonde warrior woman. Brienne was once forced to fight a bear; Tormund claims to have f***ed a bear. Both support a Stark (R + L = J be damned, that Snow is Stark, not Targaryen), which shows good judgement. Both enjoying carving the crap out of bad guys, which makes them eminently deserving of all the screen time.

By all rights we should have seen the attraction coming, but when Brienne rode through the gates of Castle Black causing Tormund to drop his jaw in awe, the whole internet roared with collective thirsty YES! THIS! BY THE GODS, THIS! This was a hole we didn’t know we needed filling. I won’t joke that Brienne is the same - sure, we want her to go there, but we want her to be into it.

Of course the spanner in the works of Tormienne is Jaime Lannister, Brienne’s one time prisoner/travel companion. He retains a grudging affection for the straight-laced Tarth fighter, as evidenced by their most recent, almost tender, farewell at Riverrun. But Jaime’s back in King’s Landing now with his twincester, the new Mad (as Hell) Queen. Brienne will head for Winterfell and Sansa, where Tormund awaits, hoping she’ll throw him a bone… of meat, which he will devour lasciviously in front of her.

I’ll even be fine if Tormienne continues as one-sided sexual tension. I just want to see it, all of it, every last drop of it, and so they must both live. We Game of Thrones fans are nothing if not romantic.

Lyanna Mormont

DON’T. YOU. F***ING. DARE.


Beloveds, from this Monday (eeeeek!) I will be posting my recaps here at the 'Burger for all to read for free. However, if you would like to support these recaps, you can jump onboard my Patreon train here and pledge a minimum of $1 per recap. If you do, you will be super sexy and a dynamite in the bedroom. It's just science. Thank you to Beloved Patrons Alannah, Lorna R, Brendan C, Anthony S and Holly R for your amazing support. Much sticky dragon love. MoK. xoxo

11 Responses to ‘Game of Thrones S7: The Top 9 Characters They Absolutely Cannot Kill Off Because Seriously I Won't Cope’

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted July 16
Excellent recap as ever Girl Clumsy, might I suggest Beric Dondarrion is quite safe since in a recent interview George RR Martin revealed he is a fire wight. The binary opposite to the Ice wights raised by the Night Kight king. Consequently, I presume only to be killed by an equivalent to dragon glass or valerian steel.

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Ashley reckons...

Posted July 16
Love the thoughts- looking forward to the show! Just a thought - since Gendry is all but back from the dead - do you think he will be the one who knows how to create Valyrian steel - and hence performs a critical role?

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 16
I've heard whispers of this possible return of Gendry - I'm onboard, let's get his shirt off and ironmonger some Valyrian Steel for all.

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Rob asserts...

Posted July 16
At least half of this list should die.

Too many cliches are starting to grow, the original razor sharpness of GoT has declined into sitcom/rom com territory.

Arya Stark and Jon The Emo Snow top the list.

And Lyanna Mormont?

Really?

Another ridiculous spoilt child.

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Victa has opinions thus...

Posted July 16
Far, far away!

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sousy wench reckons...

Posted July 16
While my brain mostly agrees with you, I'll still be crushed if most of these characters bite it.

I vehemently disagree regarding Lyanna Mormont. If Bran (everything is his fault) or Rickon (fucking zig zag), were half as awesome as the Pady of Bear island, Winterfell wouldn't have fallen at all. (Blocks ears and hums to keep out any logical rebuttals).

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girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted July 16
Lyanna is awesome, nobody can take that away from us!

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Dean is gonna tell you...

Posted July 17
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KrP-V4gqbM

Dean ducks in to say...

Posted July 17
Hmmm link text not active, but it's a Top 10 death predictions for S7 (not mine)

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Blue would have you know...

Posted July 17
On the contrary - many of those people sadly, tragically, must die. It's what makes GOT GOT. Ned, Rob, Caitlyn, Grey Wolf, Lady, Shireen... if all these characters were still alive the show would be far less impactful.

The only characters that must survive to the endgame are Daenerys, Jon Snargaryen, and the Night's King.

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Respond to 'Game of Thrones S7: The Top 9 Characters They Absolutely Cannot Kill Off Because Seriously I Won't Cope'

One Week.. 'til GOT

Posted July 10 into Raven On by girlclumsy

There is ONE WEEK TO GO until Game of Thrones returns, as we can all marvel in the visual spectacle, the compelling drama and the taut thrillingness of Jon Snow's abs (and everything else).

To mark the occasion, I have written a little ditty celebrating my joy at the upcoming Season Seven.

To the tune of the 1998 classic, One Week by the Barenaked Ladies:

It is one week 'til my favourite show
Hits my TV again
Thank you HBO
One week 'til I get to see
The Mother of Dragons act out my fantasies
One week til my dear Jon Snow
Deals with knowing more than nothing that he didn’t know
Yesterday, it was agony
But now it’s only one week ‘til winter is coming

Hold me now and see Darth Cersei
With brother Jaime
Working out their giant map plan
They are in deep at the Keep
With enemies ready to sweep
They like the Mountain
‘Cause he’s now a giant zombie man

Hot like a dragon gotta face facts
The throne’s a contract
And Cersei thinks she’s a player
But that fortune from a frog witch
Could be a real bitch
And Jaime is a Kingslayer

Gonna make a turn to Dragonstone
I yearn to see Dany return and make 'em burn
Cause she’s the finest f***ing Queen Bee
She torched the Masters at Meereen
Like a real machine it was a scene
More schnikt and mean than Wolverine
She’s so amazing, man
I wish I had her C.V.

How can I help it if I think you’re handsome when you’re dead
Trying hard not to cry at your sweet head
I’m the kinda gal who worships a junk mound
Can’t understand what that is?
Here’s some background
I have a tendency to wear my love on my sleeve
I have a history of stalking Jon Snow

It is one week 'til he looks at me
Dead no more but still f***ing deadly
One week 'til he tackles me
With his honour and poise, he’s so f***ing broody
It is one week 'til the afternoon
When the Night’s Watch commander causes me to f***ing swoon
Yesterday I just dreamed in awe
About how I just might get my hands on his Longclaw

--instrumental--

That dick at the diner knows The Hound likes chicken
Brienne beat him up, but he just kept tickin’
Helped by but couldn’t help a cleric
He then met Beric
And got back in with the Brotherhood
Like Arya Stark he’s got a purpose
Hang out with Thoros
Like chillies, gonna set the world on fire
With flaming swords they’re on edge now
Form a wedge now
And you just might get out of a quagmire

Gotta ring my bell at Winterfell
See where Ramsay fell and had
His own starving dogs eat his face and chew on his hamstring
Gotta get a glare with Mormont bear
Cause Lyanna’s stare has got the loom and the lords may be
Keen to hail a new king

How can I help it if I think Sansa is just the best?
Trying hard not to say she’s like Baelish
I’m the kinda gal who loves Tormund Giantsbane
Can’t understand what I mean?
It’s that mane
He has the tendency to battle hard and bite off ears
He has a history of ogling Brienne

It is one week 'til the Onion Knight
Will know if banning Melisandre was right
One week and we’ll see it’s true
Tyrion will drink just like we thought he was gonna do
One week 'til I get to see
My favourite man bun and abs staring back at me
Yesterday, it was fantasy
But my dreams have come back as my reality

My dreams have come back as my reality
Don’t judge me please, I swear I’m not crazy
OK, maybe, I’m a little bit crazy

Starting from next week, I'll be posting my Raven On recaps here at the 'Burger after each and every episode. They're free to read, but if you want to support, you can jump onboard my Patreon campaign and pledge just $1 per episode ($7 for the season). Thanks to Beloved Patreons Hazel F, Bernard W, Jessica Y, Owen T and Patrick C for your ab-tastic support. Love, MoK. xoxo

8 Responses to ‘One Week.. 'til GOT’

Tarryn K puts forth...

Posted July 10
I don't know who to throw money at, but I need someone to sing and release this!!!


Also nice work shoehorning in the junkmound ;D

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girlclumsy asserts...

Posted July 10
Oh MAN, I wish I could shoehorn in that junkmound.

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Lorn would have you know...

Posted July 10
I'm with Tarryn K, when's this getting released! Love it!

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Barnesm reckons...

Posted July 10
That's brilliant Nat, now you just have to put it to music and a kick ass filmclip with Game of Thrones rather than eighties references.

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Bernie would have you know...

Posted July 10
I'm excited!

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Kraven swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted July 11
JunkMOUND! Somebody please make this a video for me.

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Don Bagert has opinions thus...

Posted July 12
Game of Thrones is opposite Twin Peaks in the USA, how about in Australia?

Barnesm puts forth...

Posted July 12
Twin Peaks is only on our STAN streaming service so no competition.

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Respond to 'One Week.. 'til GOT'

Sweet flaming swords, it's another Game of Thrones S7 trailer recap!

Posted June 22 into Raven On by girlclumsy

Bless you, HBO. Bless your glorious cotton socks. Delivering us a heart-pumping, loin-girding, ab-touching cracker of a trailer right on the Winter Solstice.

Of course it’s the summer solstice up past the equator, but we here in the Antipodes need no imagination to picture the depths of chilly misery they must be now enduring in Westeros. In Brisbane alone the temperature has been dropping to 11 or 12 degrees at night (roughly 54 in that ridiculous Fahrenheit), and that’s so arctic I had to put on slippers.

Not unexpectedly, the payload in this piece is a heck of a lot bigger than in last month’s HUGE WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP trailer.

The war room floor map doesn’t make a reappearance, but I’m not surprised. As I mentioned back then, that trailer focused on the human relationships, threats and alliances, with not much attention paid to the supernatural threat beyond The Wall.

By contrast, this one lets rip with battles and skirmishes and beat-ups galore, and slams the apocalyptic reality of the White Walkers right back into our gaping, drooling faces.

So let’s do a quick breakdown of the voiceover sequences and then hone in on some key flashes of “WHAT” and “WAS THAT JUST” and “HOLY CRAP” from the montages.

We start with a tracking shot of the Lady of Winterfell, walking past a weirwood tree in what we assume is the Godswood. Strong, determined, unblinking, she is taking her cues from 2009-era Beyonce. She Is…. Sansa Fierce.


"Uh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh, oh, oh oh oh"


But whispering, always bloody whispering, in his stupid bloody whispering voice, is Petyr Baelish:
“Don’t fight in the North, or the South. Fight every battle, everywhere, always in your mind.”

If we assume he says this in person to Sansa, it’s an interesting focus on the internal struggle that must be won before any victory in the field can be had. It’s about removing the physical constructs of each battle and placing strategy, confidence and belief first and foremost. With the greatest match still ahead of Sansa, the Starks, the North and essentially to humanity as a whole, Littlefinger is starting to sound like a sports commentator. I mean, what I call him certainly rhymes with Rex Hunt.

Meanwhile I must find out where to obtain a copy of that introductory cello-with-choir underscore. I want to download it to my iPhone so I can walk around in slow motion with the music playing in my ears, pretending I’m an epic hero about to face danger and battle and stuff when really I’m just about to face feeding the foster kittens.

Other images seen in those opening moments: a long shot of Meera and Bran at The Wall, giving hope they will find some security with the rump of the Night’s Watch; Daenarys and her table top gaming board; Arya on a horse; Baelish in the shadows (maybe a dungeon?); and that weapon being sharpened again like a character on the “Who Shot Mr Burns?” episode of The Simpsons.

There’s also some shots that add weight to the idea we could be going to Casterly Rock this season, with the Lannister banners hanging in a stone keep filled with smallfolk seemingly welcoming somebody in, and Jaime seen from behind in armour striding around a battlement. It could be the King’s Landing, but perhaps not? There’s also a low-key beach landing, and later on, a glimpse of Grey Worm in a helmet approaching a rocky cliff - could it be Unsullied troops looking to take The Rock?


Good luck with that.


The second voice we hear is Jon’s:

“For centuries our families fought together against their common enemy. Despite their differences… together. We need to do the same if we’re going to survive. Because the enemy is real. It’s always been real.”

The first half of this grave declaration runs over shots of Dany walking along the beach at Dragonstone, then pulling down what looks to be like an old Targaryen banner, possible revealing a throne, or maybe some sort of family secret/inheritance. We see those magnificent dragons tearing it up like teenagers on a Contiki tour, and Tyrion looking pensively out over the sea.

Other characters pop up: Theon looking grim as usual; Brienne and Pod look awesome as usual; a flash of a snowbound Hound. There’s a series of shots involving Lannister soldiers, with Jaime and Bronn overseeing a team of archers, in what can only be described as a bromance-turned-bowmance.

There’s also a glimpse of a wheelchair-bound Bran (possibly with Bloodraven, the old dude from the cave, watching on) warging just as a bunch of ravens fly over a battlefield, seemingly sparking the interest of the Night’s King. As Jon’s voice sounds out “The enemy is real. It’s always been real”, there is a pause, fade to black, and then THIS MOTHEREFFING SHOT:


BMF.


Holy flipping heck, it’s Beric Dondarrion carrying a flaming sword! But as we remember, it was Thoros of Myr who carried a flaming sword. SO WHERE IS THOROS? WHY DOES BERIC HAVE HIS SWORD?

A bit further on, there is another shot of my beloved fighting on a bluff (he can fight on my bluff anytime etc) and LOOK THERE IT IS AGAIN:


So the Brotherhood Without Banners (and possibly now Without Thoros of Myr) will at some point team up with Jon, Tormund and co. for more adventures fighting...wights, I assume? Unless Jon’s foreboding talk about coming together to fight the evil was aimed at other houses who have yet to sign on to the new reality of winter life and the coming icy apocalypse. They all seemed to acknowledge him as the “White Wolf” King in the North at the end of last season. But who knows, there could still be some hold outs.

That final montage before the Sansa voiceover contained a plethora - yes, El Guapo, a plethora! - of frames/shots/glimpses/sightings/moments that had my heart beating against my chest like a Looney Toons character looking at another Looney Toons character in drag. Moments like this:


Jaime Lannister racing on horseback across a field of fire, lance in (remaining) hand. This surely must involve the stampeding Dothraki army, with dragon accompaniment, as seen in other sections of the trailer. But who is he aiming for? A human… or a dragon? And could he fell a dragon? We know historically Jaime was a fine jouster at tournament, and it’s a credit to his thighs that he can still seat his horse so ferociously with the reins in his golden hand, while his left hand grasps his mighty spear OK wow I have totally distracted myself and need a moment.

I loved seeing Jon standing sexily next to Ser Davos almost as much as I fretted seeing him fight off one of the head honcho White Walkers; I did a little dance seeing Missandei plant her linguistically deft lips right on Grey Worm; and of course seeing Tormund Giantsbane lunge at anybody is delightful (and hopefully with Brienne, consensual).

There’s the Greyjoy fleet approaching King’s Landing, Yara and Theon looking at fireworks/fire, and a glimpse of old mate Euron getting ragey as ships burn; and as he accompanies the Dothraki warriors, a close-up of Drogon so severe you can smell his lizard breath.

But there’s also some things that weren’t clear to me. For example, is this Theon looking wrecked on a beach? Or Euron? Or an Unsullied?


Oh gods, it's Gendry, isn't it? He finally got out of the boat.

And this guy. Who is this guy?


WHO ARE YOU MYSTERY MAN


As we see a sole rider hot-hoofing it away from camera, the voiceover concludes with Sansa throwing up some Grade A metaphor and/or allegory.

“When the snows fall, and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies…. but the pack survives.”
And we get this breathtaking shot of our King in the North, from one of his greatest angles:


His back hump looks so soft.


Now I must admit, when I first heard that phrase, my immediate response was “LONE WOLF WHAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO JON IS THIS INSINUATING JON COULD DIE NO NO NO”. Please understand I’m a little sensitive when it comes to the mortality of my beloved.

But it’s more likely Sansa’s singing from the same song sheet as Jon - that all petty human squabbles have to be put aside to ensure victory, that the time for individual glory is over. Indeed, Jon has been proof of that over and over again - his early days of wanting to be a kickarse Ranger are long gone, and he has become one of the most well-rounded (and #junkmounded) diplomats in the series. It wouldn’t surprise me if their dialogue here occurs in the same scene.

Can we take a moment to appreciate the sartorial splendour of our King in the North? Decked out in designer whites, he’s practically Fursace. Or Furberry. Or Salvatore Furragamo. He’s also really embraced that man bun. I mean, it makes sense - all of those luscious black curls would get in your face while fighting, not to mention getting wet and sticky in all that snowy weather. Of course I long for the return of the mop top, but for the moment I can live with the “Jon Snowcone”.

Well, kittens, that’s about all I’ve got for now, but if I have any strokes of genius about this trailer I’ll get back to you. We’re closing in on a month out from S7, E1 - will we get a third trailer before it hits? Whatever happens, I will be here for you, my beloved Throners, always your devoted recappespondent and ab connoisseur.

A special shout out this week to all my Patreon subscribers for your generosity and loyalty, including Tarryn K, Jamie E, Cath G, Alison M and Elana M. If you want to find out more about my Patreon campaign, and why I ask people to consider paying $1 per recap, head over here.

Valar morghulis!



4 Responses to ‘Sweet flaming swords, it's another Game of Thrones S7 trailer recap!’

Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted June 23
I am allowed to go 'Squeeee!' I don't care - I'll do it anyway.

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Abbey puts forth...

Posted June 23
"Oh gods, it's Gendry, isn't it? He finally got out of the boat."

Snorted. Loudly. Still chortling haha

I only listened to your podcast with Stu talking about this the other day and I'm still picturing Gendry going round and round and round and round and round ..... you get the idea. So funny.

spankee is gonna tell you...

Posted June 26
There's a podcast?

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Seakla mumbles...

Posted June 25
Here's a link to that piece. It's "In the Light of the Seven", from the previous season.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pS-gbqbVd8c

I also love this piece :-D

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Respond to 'Sweet flaming swords, it's another Game of Thrones S7 trailer recap!'

Holy blazing dragons, it's the Game of Thrones S7 trailer!

Posted May 25 into Raven On by girlclumsy

War! Homecomings! Stabbings! Nude Grey Worm!

The Game of Thrones Season 7 trailer contained so many delights, that of course I must put pen to papyrus and recap the seven hells out of it.

But there was one thing in that 1 minute 35 seconds of glorious GoT bounty that thrilled me more than any other.

“Oh, yes, here she goes again, ranting about Jon Snow like a sad obsessed cat fancier,” I hear you say.

NO!

I mean, yes, I am obsessed with Jon Snow in a sad, cat fancier kind of way. And we’ll get to our beloved King in the North later.

But the cutaway in that trailer that gave me the most joy was...

THE LANNISTERS’ HUGE WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP!


Jaime is all at sea.

I have been waiting seven years for this, and it’s everything I ever wanted and more.

I have now placed a call to a home decorator to rip up my large format charcoal grey tiles and install a FANTASY MAP OF WESTEROS in my living room so I can walk over it pointing and plotting tactical army movements and supply routes because I am a FICTIONAL QUEEN OF EVERYTHING.

Oh, it will be grand. Setting up the foster kittens to represent the different warring families, instructing them on when and how to attack each other, STOP RUNNING UNDER THE COUCH MICAH YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE TULLYS OF RIVERRUN AND HAZEL GET DOWN FROM THE SCRATCH POLE DOTHRAKIS DON’T LIKE HEIGHTS.

It will be epic times at my place, people.

But back to the trailer. Let’s make like biodegradable shopping bags and BREAK IT DOWN, starting with everybody’s favourite super villain, Darth Cersei. Her voiceover goes as follows:

“Enemies to the east, enemies to the west, enemies to the south, enemies to the north. Whatever stands in our way, we will defeat it. We are the last Lannisters. The last ones who count.”

This is delivered while shots of the Lannisters’ many enemies are spliced in with a tracking shot over a 3D map of Westeros (and the WAR ROOM MAP!). Did anybody else notice that when she said “enemies to the south” it passed over the Vale of Arryn, which is totes NORTH of King’s Landing, but then you don’t want to ruin the momentum of the shot, do you?

The enemies pictured are Grey Worm (not yet nude and at the head of Daenarys’ army), a large sailing ship in the gloomy mist (Iron Islanders, either Euron or the Yara/Theon alliance?), an axe being sharpened (really could be anyone), and ARYA FRICKING STARK.

There’s a brief glimpse of marching Lannisters flying the golden lion, and then a throne room sequence, with Jaime standing by his murderous usurper sister lover lover (mmmm). Cersei has always been scary, but the underlying mismanagement of her grabs for power have always grounded her in some reality. Now that seems to have gone, and she appears utterly terrifying. YOU GO GIRL.


Darth Cersei with some dark side of the force hand moves.

I loved the fact that immediately after we hear Cersei saying “We are the last Lannisters”, it cuts to a shot of Tyrion. “The last ones who count.” ZING. Of course Tyrion has more than a few things that make him count in the great game - there’s his faith in his new Queen, Daenarys, and her reliance on him as her Hand. Then of course there’s those enormous dragons, we which see slicing up through the air beside the cliff Tyrion is seen striding towards (more brilliant advertising for Northern Ireland).

We transition to hearing Dany’s voice, as she gazes on the opening gates of what we assume is Dragonstone, her birthplace, and formerly the seat of Stannis “Fewer” Baratheon.

“I was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms,” she intones. “And I will.” Strong Churchillian language there from Our Dany, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Wearer of Less Revealing Clothes This Season, Somewhat Disappointingly. We see her touching the sand (Kevin Costner’s return to Dover in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves remains the gold standard of touching the sand, best movie ever, no arguments please), and sitting on her angular, rocky throne.

It’s sad to think we won’t have the luscious Maario Doharis standing by her, quietly flexing, and as for Ser Jorah, there was no sign of him in this trailer at all. Hopefully he’s finding that cure for Stoneman’s Disease - I would hate to find out halfway through the season that he just turned up dead at the Oldtown docks and nobody noticed because he looked like part of the jetty. For devotees of the “Ser Jorah is Azor Ahai” theory, it would be positively disastrous.

There’s also what looks like a raid on the Red Keep - or at least I assume it’s the Red Keep, given all those archways are giving it much more of an Alhambra vibe than in previous seasons. We see some helmeted heavies fighting in a courtyard and on a balcony. This is about as much analysis as I can do on that one:


Next up it’s time for MY SWEET SWEET BELOVED JON SNOW WHOSE ABS SHOULD BE PRAISED AS GODS IN THEIR OWN RIGHT.

“King in the North!” comes the resounding cry as we flick past Jon’s beautiful, brooding face in the Winterfell Great Hall, Sansa and Brienne watching from behind, and a flash of what looks like a war council of Northern lords. You can just about make out the side of Lyanna Mormont's face. SO keen for more of her, please.


Then it’s time for Mr Snake in the Grass himself, Petyr Baelish, to get all Wormtongue or Wormtail (but not Grey Worm) up in Sansa’s grill. “Your father and brothers are gone, yet here you stand - the last best hope against the coming storm.” I know his control of the Vale knights saved Jon and co in the Battle of the Bastards, but I do wish Littlefinger would go away. Or at least get a clue and realise there’s no point in playing his stupid power games anymore.

Luckily at that point we hear Littlefinger’s total opposite in character chime in, and once again, it’s Davos Freaking Seaworth who brings the true emotional punch to proceedings. “If we don’t put aside our enmities and band together, we will die,” he says. “And then it doesn’t matter whose skeleton sits on the Iron Throne.”

PREACH. Once again Davos represents the everyman, the pragmatist, immune to the trappings of power and much more concerned with basic survival. If you did a poll of most loved characters in the show, the Onion Knight would have to be up there, which means of course they’re probably going to kill him off this season and I WILL CRY ALL THE TEARS AND THREATEN VIOLENCE.

It’s at this point of course that the trailer builds in speed and pace and frequency of shots included. Here are some of the things I noticed:

*Jon Snow outpacking Tormund in a snowbound steeplechase.


*record scratch* Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got into this situation.


*Kate Bush looking quite sad in a castle somewhere, watching soldiers go running up that hill, or rather, ramparts. It looks too nice to be the Iron Islands, and not nice enough to be Dorne, so where could it be?

*Jon Snow grabbing Littlefinger and shoving him up against a wall, in a totally non-sexual but still highly sexy way.

*Ellaria Sand snogging Yara Greyhoy in a totally sexual and highly sexy way.


Just make sure she took her lippy off first, Yara.


*Missandei ripping off Grey Worm’s shirt. Finally, some action in their relationship beyond courtesies and low-level chit chat.

*A burning ship, bodies falling into water and Theon Greyjoy surrounded by licks of flame - an attack on the combined Targaryen/Greyjoy army, or perhaps a dragon fart with follow through?

*Arya all alone and making a fire - come on Nymeria, you come back now, good doggo.

*Cascading packs of rampaging Dothraki.

*Rugged up northerner types running away from something, and forming a circular guard.

*The Mountain, helmeted, but I’m pretty sure it was him.

*Dany and Tyrion checking out Stannis’ old tabletop role-playing board on Dragonstone.


"Has this been disinfected? Anybody?"


People we didn’t see in that trailer include: Sam and Gilly (on SWOTVAC), Ser Jorah (MIA), the Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners crew (revenging), Bran and Meera (defrosting), White Walkers (ice cold), Olenna Tyrell (cheese, bitch) or any flashbacks to Ye Olde Times Like Twenty Years Ago.

The crescendo of music builds until we see a majestic wide shot of barrelling Dothraki on horseback, with the stupendously huge Drogon carving up the sky above. It’s the greatest fly-by since Top Gun.


After this, a quick game of shirtless volleyball.


But then we fade to black, and my beloved’s sonorous words remind us of the *snort* gravity of the situation.

“The Great War is here.”

Final thoughts? GARRRGHHHHUUUUMMMBBAAARGGGGHHH WHY CAN’T IT BE ON NOW.

For me the focus of this season is Daenarys’ transition from hot weather slavery-busting conqueror to winter homecoming queen. She has never stepped foot on Westeros; is it ready for her? Does it want her? She seems all-powerful, but her father’s rule sparked revolution and there may not be the appetite for the Mad King’s daughter. Cersei is nobody’s favourite, but then she’s proved time and again how resilient she is. Can she consolidate her power in King’s Landing and prove that a Queen Regnant can do what so many King Repugnants couldn’t?

Jon Snow is being heralded as King in the North, but is it a job he really wants? After his whole death-and-reanimation experience, he’d kind of given up on being in charge. But like Monkey, Jon Snow’s nature is irrepressible. He can’t help being a good guy, even if he has the odd sulk along the way (let me comfort you and your abs, beloved).

This trailer definitely seemed more focused on the Great War of families, rather than the Ever Greater Holy Crap War Against Monstrous Armies of the Undead. I kind of want them all to win, in my own special way. But of course there’ll have to be some losers. As long as they don’t KILL anyone, I’ll be fine.

OH GOD I’M DOOMED.

See you on July 16, beloved Throners!

28 Responses to ‘Holy blazing dragons, it's the Game of Thrones S7 trailer!’

Nocturnalist asserts...

Posted May 25
You have a point. If HBO and GRRM haven't got a merch deal for huge Westeros-mapping carpets ready to go when that trailer dropped then someone's asleep at the wheel.

(Anyone else think "wait, they're going to settle this with a game of Azad"?)

Surtac swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 25
Yes. Where's Jernau Morat Gurgeh when you need him?

:)

Terry has opinions thus...

Posted June 23
Oh please oh please let there be a swordfight there so someone can reprise one of the greatest lines of movie dialogue ever (from Dr Strangelove): "You can't fight here. This is the War Room!"

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Sousy Wench asserts...

Posted May 25
Could the place with the lions and dead Lannisters be Casterly Rock?

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Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 25
"Your suppose to be the Tully's...." brought it all back to me - I miss the Blackfish.

Needless to say if the trailer is any indication the series 'living at home with Grey Worm and Missandai' is going to need an adult raiting.

I also want to see more of my favourite witty banter between Varys and Tryion.

Surely your war room map can be next to your library with the clockwork model of the 7 kingdoms.

Outstanding recap and can only imagine how much more awesome it will be once you start doing the episodes.

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Sam Clifford puts forth...

Posted May 25
I suspect the Alhambra Lannister place is either Lannisport or Casterly Rock. I don't think even Cersei is vain enough to paint a golden "L" above an archway in King's Landing. There's a handful of Lannister cousins left, but yeah, none that matter.

Half-man! Half-man!

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girlclumsy is gonna tell you...

Posted May 25
Good pick-up on the Casterly Rock/Lannisport observations, peeps. We've never seen it, so it didn't occur to me initially that they might actually place some action there. Also Cersei is clearly in the Red Keep, as evidenced by her sitting on the Iron Throne.

Back in the day, Robb Stark's plan was to GO WEST (life is peaceful there) and beat the Lannisters on their home turf. Maybe Jon, or Dany, is going to try that strategy?

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Tony Leggett has opinions thus...

Posted May 25
Wow. Such prose and analysis from less than two minutes of footage.

This will set high expectations for your recaps, Mother of Kittens.

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Tony Leggett has opinions thus...

Posted May 25
Followup thought bubble:

I think the screenshot showing what looks like a raid on the Red Keep is more likely just a raid on the (probably only lightly defended) Casterly Rock.

IMHO anyway...

Tony Leggett is gonna tell you...

Posted May 25
...and guess who went "tl;dr" when scrolling through the comments.

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The White Witch reckons...

Posted May 25
Oh how I've missed these recaps - almost (I said ALMOST!) as much as I've missed GoT, and the Beloved Abs-man! But I must confess - I have a dirty secret! I find Petyr Baelish rather sexy, in a sleazy, velvet-voiced way! I don't want him to die or go away, but to turn into a kind of nearly almost nice guy! A nice sleaze, if you will! Oh dear - I fear there is little hope for me!

girlclumsy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 26
YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM, WHITE WITCH!

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Ken Father of Dire Wolves would have you know...

Posted May 25
Look at the armour, the spears, the fighting style. The helmeted heavies are the unsullied, expressing their distress at being unmanned by unlifeing the Dragon Queens enemies.

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she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted May 25
Yep, I've just abandoned my dreams of jarrah parquet flooring and I've totally moved on to GIANT FLOOR MAP as the jewel in my interior decorating crown. Bring on 16 July!

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floki snow reckons...

Posted May 25
Geez the Lannisters are coping a good old thrashing, early season wins are not always a good sign.
And who's dragonscale arm was poking out of that jail cell?

floki snow reckons...

Posted May 25
greyscale i meant greyscale

CatDragon mumbles...

Posted May 25
Ser JM of course! Looking grim.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 26
Yeah, someone else showed me that as well, and I'm pretty mad I didn't pick up on it. BRING OUT THE SHAME BELL.

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Barnesm would have you know...

Posted May 25
and given the magnificent prose of Ms Bochenski stretched to 1,728 words for this piece from a trailer 1minute 48 seconds long. That means for the average 55minute episode were are going to get 52,000 witty and erudite words per episode.

Ken Father of Dire Wolves ducks in to say...

Posted May 25
Excellent. May the gods, old and new be praised.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 26
OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE

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Graham C is gonna tell you...

Posted May 25
"...the Onion Knight would have to be up there, which means of course they’re probably going to kill him off this season and I WILL CRY ALL THE TEARS ..."

Well, duh! You always get "all the tears" when ....

You cut onions!

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 26
BOOOOOOOOMMMMM

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Heidi mutters...

Posted May 25
Great to read your recaps again Queen Nat. SO looking forward to this season! In countdown mode now! Bring on July 16! Woo Hoo!

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JBtoo is gonna tell you...

Posted May 25
So good to have you (and GoT) back

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Morts mutters...

Posted May 26
Nat

I think your kitties are better thought of as the dragons (just as hard to control) which makes you Dany and you know she's going to hook up with Jon at some stage. Also you could direct your 'dragons' by throwing raw meat on your Westeros map on where to attack and you get the added bonus of realistic blood splatter.

Morts

PS Are there VIP packages for those who want to contribute more for the recaps? Maybe we could get them 30 mins before anyone else. :)

Anyway really looking forward to the start of GoT and your rundowns. You're the extra spice that goes into a Walder Frey pie.

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Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted May 27
These recaps are the hot pies of my soul.

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jl asserts...

Posted May 31
I do love these write-ups. Keep 'em coming, girlclumsy.

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Respond to 'Holy blazing dragons, it's the Game of Thrones S7 trailer!'

Sit Down and hang on: analysing the Game of Thrones S7 trailer

Posted April 3 into Raven On by girlclumsy

Hello, Burgers and Throners! It's Natalie here, your Game of Thrones recappespondent and friendly neighbourhood Jon Snow obsessive.

After HBO dropped a teaser trailer for Season 7 of The World's Greatest and Best Ever Show late last week, I wrote up a piece about it to see if I could flex these old creaky recap muscles ahead of the July premiere. I posted it on my Facebook page, but JB very kindly gave me the go-ahead to post it up here. Enjoy!

*******************************************************************************************

That breath! That visible, icy breath! What can it mean? Is Cersei in league with the White Walkers now? Is it a metaphor for her new “ice queen” reign over Westeros, or was the heating just broken in the Iron Throne room?

And Jon Snow! Sticking with that ponytail but still BROODY AF. Boy I’m glad he’s still around now that winter finally has arrived. He’s so steamy, like the series’ own personal hot water bottle. I’d like to place him carefully on my belly to ease cramps.

And a question – where the hell was Daenarys?

Yes, with 100 days to go until the Game of Thrones Season 7 premiere, it was only right and natural for HBO to unleash a fan frenzy via a spankingly good promotional trailer.

After all, if this was a normal year, we’d be gearing up for the actual season, which has traditionally begun in early April. So they’ve got to give the thirsting GoT fandom a few drops out of mercy, if nothing else.

Titled “The Long Walk”, it’s the first “new” content since last year, and features three of our favourites striding slowly but determinedly towards…. well, chairs, essentially.
It’s also set to a rather menacing yet oddly comforting version of Sit Down by Manchester rock legends James.

In researching the song I discovered that there was an original longer version that was cut down for a radio-friendly release back in 1989. From that, GoT producers have cherry-picked these highly appropriate lyrics:

Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they're touched by madness
Sit down next to me

In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
In love, in fear, in hate

Oh sit down Oh sit down Oh sit down
Sit down next to me
Sit down, down, down, down, down
In sympathy

As those words ring out, we see Cersei stalking the halls of the Red Keep, Jon pacing through the recaptured Winterfell, and Dany….. where the hell WAS Dany?



The array of tree trunks positioned behind her throne reminded me a touch of the Eyrie, but having last been seen at the head of an armada, we can’t imagine her turning up anywhere inland. The best I can guess is Dragonstone, her birthplace. We never really saw Stannis Baratheon in a large throne room on the island – he was mostly in his map room, often shagging Kate Bush on the strategy table. So it’s possible there could be a grand hall for her to set up her alternative court while she makes her final attack plans for the mainland. Dany is definitely somewhere colder – for the first time ever we see here rugged up in dark colours as opposed to her usual bright, light, skin-revealing garb. But I’m still not entirely happy with this answer.

I feel there’s also some symbolism in the fact that both Cersei and Dany actually SIT in their thrones; Jon merely stares at the high table at Winterfell, the place where his *cough* father *cough* Ned sat.

Cersei and Dany believe with every ounce of their being in their innate right to be Queen. Their intentions may differ, but their desire to rule is the whole purpose of their existence. Jon Snow was feted as the new King in the North at the end of last season – but nobody would wear a crown more reluctantly (perhaps Viserys back in S1E6).

The weight of leadership sits heavily and uneasily with him. Unlike the others he’s seen the face of the real enemy, the White Walkers, and knows no crown, no throne, no sense of power or entitlement will save anyone from that. He’s had power thrust upon him, as much as I would thrust upon him etc etc you get the drift.

As the song kicks up a gear, and the women take their seats, there are close-ups of their eyes closing as a wind blows out all the candles in the Red Keep. Cersei then breathes out a visible burst of cold air, and the camera pulls back to show us the eye of a White Walker (the Night’s King by the look of it).



t’s not too hard to decode the cold change/winds of change/cold shoulder subtext.

But it’s interesting that the final moment was given to Cersei, an ice queen who’s always made Grace Kelly look warm by comparison. Cersei has never had any interest in the White Walkers – her motivations have always been about preserving her family’s dynasty and elevating herself above the weak men that surround her. The White Walkers were fairytales, mystical creatures far from the realpolitik of the capital.

Could there be some deeper allusion to a potential link between Cersei’s New World Order and the White Walkers? Or is Cersei asserting her own power, and defying you to consider her LESS of a risk than a bunch of undead blue-eyed forever monsters? In the usual Game of Thrones binary, Daenarys has represented fire, and Jon Snow ice. Is Cersei now greater than the sum of both of them?

Is the clue in those last words “Sit down in sympathy” - that all three are facing a crucible and only together, in sympatico, can they defeat the bigger threat?

Or is in face Cersei just cold and doing that thing where you breathe out hot air and pretend to be smoking?

Questions, questions.

One final point.

In my research of Sit Down, I watched the video clip for the 1989 release. Given that it does contain the phrase “sit down” repeatedly, it’s not that surprising to see a bunch of chairs in the video clip. But one in particularly caught my eye. Tell me, Beloved Throners, does this not look familiar to you?!?!

Coincidence? Almost certainly. But still, it makes you think.

Valar Morghulis!

4 Responses to ‘Sit Down and hang on: analysing the Game of Thrones S7 trailer’

Bondiboy66 ducks in to say...

Posted April 4
Fine words, now the waiting umm....continues

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Barnesm puts forth...

Posted April 4
Much appreciation having you back recapping.


I will just sit here and wait for your next recap shall I?

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Surtac is gonna tell you...

Posted April 5
Ok. So I've got nearly 100 days to catch up with all my dvd sets (I'm at least 3 series behind)?

I better get started tonight then.

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Maddoug would have you know...

Posted April 5
The real problem is the unstoppable bad-ass warrior that the Night King just acquired, should be able to give Zombie Clegane a run for his money.......





ZOMBIE HODOR!!!!!!!!

(Stalking through the snow with a wooden door stapled to his back by the embedded cutlery of a thick covering of wights like so many fleas on a junkyard dog...)

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