405 Logan Road, Greenslopes
David Chang is full of shit. He’s right about beetroot, but still full of shit. The New York chef, owner of the Momofuku chain, and publisher of The Lucky Peach magazine, has been talking smack about our burgers, describing them as the worst in the world.
Now you can, without a doubt, have a truly fucking terrible hamburger anywhere in Australia. As bad as you can get anywhere in the world. But that doesn’t make our burgers the worst in the world.
"You know who fucked up burgers more than anyone else in the world?” Chang asked in The Lucky Peach. "Australians. Australia has no idea what a burger is. They put a fried egg on their burger. They put canned beetroot on it, like a wedge of it. I am not joking you. This is how they eat their burger,"
No, Mister Chang, you ignorant fucking bigot. No we do not.
Some disabled Australians, sufferers of brain injuries or incurable genetic disorders, do indeed put beetroot on their burgers. But who are you to judge them, Peachboy? And as for a fried egg, we’ll have you know that there are few condiments that can match a perfectly fried egg for the way it lifts and ennobles to the merest beef pattie, whether wagyu or not. The runny yolk, when cooked to the zenith of perfection, bursts open at the first bite and spreads it’s golden goodness throughout the layers of a properly constructed burger, tying together the crisp, cold lettuce leaf, the juice tomato slice, whatever the hell kind of cheese you want, and the lightly toasted bun.
I could cite as evidence of antipodean burger excellence any number of first class chefs who, having mastered the art of fine dining, have entered the hotly contested field of hamburglary. The pony-tailed assassin, Mister Neil Perry (have you ever seen him in the same room as Steven Seagal? Well? Have you?!?) is but the latest entrant to the crowded high end of the market.
Perhaps David Chang simply needs to sample the wares of local but New York inspired burger serve dry, Stone’s Corner’s 5 Boroughs. American cheese is available for the unwary and foolish, but it is not the only option. The burgers are fine examples of the craft, available in traditional Chang-approved style - a simple ensemble of bun, burger and cheese – but you could get that at McDonalds. Were I David Chang, god help me I would range further across the menu, perhaps sampling the bacon and cheese, or its hotter cousin, laced with fiery jalpeno and sriracha mayo.
Or I would, if I ever made it past 5B’s generous Cuban Sandwich, two thick, heavy wedges of toasted panini, barely containing tectonic slabs of leg ham, slow cooked pork, melted cheese, dill pickles and American mustard. 800+ calories of Castro approved awesomeness that will leave no room for the excellent fries or sticky chicken wings.
5B is a gnarly place to venture to in the winter months, with all of the seating exposed to the elements, but then not everyone is a whiny, entitled man-child like Chef Chang. If you like your protein and carbs done simply, but with a little New York style, and no beetroot, you could do a lot worse than check this place out.
It's fucking way cheaper than Momofuku.