Cheeseburger Gothic

The Burger is in the finals of the Best Australian Blogs Competition

Posted April 23, 2013 into Writing by John Birmingham

So you lot better not fuck this up for me. If I win this comp I can afford to get a better class of reader around here and finally run the lot of you off.

All the good writers will come to visit and I can afford a velvet rope to channel the riff raff into the darkened alley around the corner.

So I'm warning you lot.

((Shakes fist))

You'd better be on your best fucking behaviour or else. People are watching. Important people.

Grrr.

104 Responses to ‘The Burger is in the finals of the Best Australian Blogs Competition’

Quokka mumbles...

Posted April 23, 2013

Well that explains the stench of Glen 20 and why you've bothered hosing the vomit off the tiles.

Respond to this comment

pi would have you know...

Posted April 23, 2013

I just put a pair of clean undies on. You know... just in case.

Quokka reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

You slip on the freshly hosed tiles and require a trip to the horsepiddle?

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

We have to wear undies now?

JG mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

Why? I don't want to wear any.

Bunyip mumbles...

Posted April 23, 2013

Well, it's either that or pants.

Murphy asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

I'm wearing my chaps.

Only

my

chaps.

While I scratch myself. ;)

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

Respond to this thread

DrYobbo has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

You might want to tidy this fucking sty up. Look, you Karcher the worst of the effluvium off the deck and I'll hide the goat electrode porn archive. Unless Havock's still booked it out on extended loan.

Respond to this comment

BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

Eh? A cursory glance at the finalists reveals no Miranda Devine, Andrew Bolt or Piers Akerman. This little award you're up for has about as much credibility as Josh Dugan at the minute. Good luck though, I look forward to lining up to get into the VIP section up the back. Plush carpet?

Respond to this comment

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted April 23, 2013

of course it is, I am suprised it isn't on the Best in the World Blog list, if for nothing else than Havseys musings..

Respond to this comment

BobGrrl has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

And here I am without access to my collection of ASCII pictures. Shame. A little bit of goatse would class this place right up.

BobGrrl

( . y . )

Respond to this comment

Brian asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

So the Bluntynyou did on the CWA, and Havocks lobbying has brought you to this?

Seems a pittance for all the non hard Hakka you've put in.

Y'know you've made us all self concious now.

Fuck me.

JG ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

Don't blush, Brian. It will pass. Bare all. Be shameless. I just hope JB now runs for GG.

Respond to this thread

Lulu would have you know...

Posted April 23, 2013

Will you be making like an Olympic city in a leap year, and hosing the homeless off the blog streets to impress the visitors? Let us know when we can crawl back under our cardboard box blankets again.

Dino not to be confused with asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

Someone took my vino.

Quokka is gonna tell you...

Posted April 23, 2013

TQFT, Morgana has a pre-pubescent boy who bullseyed Khan Greybeard right in the forehead the first time he picked up a bow and and arrow. He can be bought for a packet of sour gummy worms and a sylvanian families action figurine.

Respond to this thread

tqft mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

How much will you pay me to nobble Greybeard before he can return?

Bunyip ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

You'll have to be quick. He's somewhere between the Warrunbungles and the QLD border. And I think he's taking the backroads, the crafty bugger...

JG mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

I think GB's off playing with hobbits.

Darth Greybeard swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23, 2013

Too late, Mr so-called "tqft" or, as we now know you to be, Heinrich von Winklevoss, the third, most reclusive and twisted of the Winklevoss Bitcoin twins! The gloves are off Mr von Winklevoss, the masks are discarded. Did you imagine we wouldn't see through your efforts to enmesh the poor, pathetic, drug and alcohol addled habitues of this blog in your Bitcoin Empire? You see Mr vW, we've been bugging you!

And the Bunyip is right. I crossed the border hours ago, approaching from NSW disguised as a Bulldogs player accompanied by three 17 year old female pharmacy students. Shedding that identity I entered Goodiwindi through the back streets as an itinerant Romanian Horse-Poisoner, dragging a grey stallion behind my Lada convertible. This attracted unwanted attention so I stole the keys to a semi-trailer loaded with recreational opioids and made the Brisbane run in only three hours. Thanks to my maniacal grin, disdain for speed limits and steering with my bare feet, no one noticed me amongst all the other semi drivers.

Respond to this thread

JG mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

Woohoo! I'll hide the evidence. Don't tell them about the Cyber Bunnies.

JG, CB. :P

Respond to this comment

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

Wow there are some really good blogs nominated.

mmmmm methinks I may be spending so time away from Cheeseburger, 'researching' these other blogs.

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted April 23, 2013

Be sure to leave a mess

Respond to this thread

Murphy asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

Yeah, who did he have to bribe to get on that list in the first place?

Still wearing my chaps.

Only

My

Chaps

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

Respond to this comment

MickH puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

You got that man trap ready for Havoc then?

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

Why would Hav want to trap men?

Respond to this thread

Therbs puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

Whodja have to root for this nugget? Farken. Now I have to sweep up the broken glass. These fancy shmancy visitors of yours probably like wine out of a glass and not to see the locals munching on worms.

Its all Havsy's fkn fault.

Respond to this comment

Respond to this comment

Brother PorkChop asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

Crap. There goes the neighbourhood, slummy but not at all intimidating. Alternatively, a change is as good as a holiday..

Respond to this comment

w from brisbane swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23, 2013

Who farted?

Respond to this comment

Brother PorkChop asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

Sorry, corn dog and cabbage for lunch.

Respond to this comment

TC is gonna tell you...

Posted April 23, 2013

Excellent - awards! I've never won a prestigious award but I've been known to host the occasional low-key awards night. I don't know whether we can all behave but at least we're a fun bunch.

I hope you win, this is by far my favourite blog.

TC has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

And... voted.

Respond to this thread

Quokka asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

Oh so all we have to do is vote.

In that case there's no need to alert you to the carrot chunks between the sofa cushions. I thought you'd trained Hav to heave those up in the neighbour's parsley patch.

Tsk, tsk.

Respond to this comment

Lobes would have you know...

Posted April 23, 2013

Better hope theres no fatties on the selection panel JB

Respond to this comment

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

No, no, no. This won't do at all. Winning contests is the first step into the bottomless pit of politeness! Mark my words - if we win this, there will be an almost imperceptible dark energy that will coax us into saying "please" and "thank you" and "oh no, I totally misconstrued your comment about my sister as some sort of insult both towards my sister’s moral character and my family’s genetic endowment.” Stuff like that! You watch and see! Instead of the CBG time tested pejorative “fuck you and the horse you rode in on” we will say, instead, “I respectfully disagree with your stated opinion.” Havock, I’m looking at you. Right straight at you. You will be THE FIRST to succumb!! Just you watch.

I am very uneasy about talk of winning this contest.

Barnesm mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

Please, for Frak sake.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

See? That's what I'm going on about. Frak is clearly a polite euphemism for fuck. Or it is a term used to describe a dramatic and environmentally unsafe method of extracting oil and natural gas from previously thought to be depleted oil and gas fields. But more likely it is a euphemism.

The dark energy that is the tendency towards politeness has begun to seep into this place - and all because we are now being invisibly judged for excellence.

Respond to this thread

Lobes swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23, 2013

To be honest its a pretty good chance CBG will win. Just look* at the other blog finalists

Alpha Reader by Danielle Binks - Looks shit, and boring.

Lives of the Poets by Daniel Bifeld - Fuckin gay who cares about poems

Read in a Single Sitting by Stephanie Campisi - AKA Stories for the Shitter

Book to the Future by Michelle Mclaren - Actually JB if this is a blog about Time Travel you're fucked

All in all I'd say Cheeseburger Gothic is a safer bet than Black Caviar to win this fucker. Jsut as long as you cunts remember I WAS HERE BEFORE IT WAS COOL

*Disclaimer: I did not actually look

TC asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

The Burg is cool?

Mum! I've forced my way into a cool group! Mum!!!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

"Fuckin gay who cares about poems."

I happen to care deeply about poems - and not just dirty limericks. Although I must say I do enjoy the occasional off-color limerick. For example:

Ethnologists out with the Souix

wired home for "Two punts, one canoe."

Message next day said "Girls on the way

but what the hell's a 'panoe?'"

Is my heterosexuality in question because I enjoy that bit of rhyme? Sonnets are different. I’ll give you that. Sonnets are totally gay. Iambic pentameter is ipso facto swish. But not limericks. Come to think of it, I cannot recall any of my gay acquaintances ever reciting a limerick.

Mere coincidence? I think not.

Lobes reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

lol faget

If you really want to lose this contest shut up and be homophobic

In fact its almost time for a thread defending marriage

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

I defend my marriage with money. So far it has been a winning tactic.

Therbs asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

I do quite nicely as a deaf poet so yez can all get fucked.

Respond to this thread

Spanner ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

Cool what do we win?

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted April 23, 2013

A CHANCE TO DO AS YOU'RE FUCKING TOLD AND NOT FUCK THIS UP FOR ME NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO AS YOU'RE FUCKING TOLD!!!!

Brian ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

Ifn your not careful we'll call a meeting of the Bounders Club Tribal Council and vote you off the island.

Spanner swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23, 2013

Well being shouted at and doing as I'm told was less fun that I thought it would be. Still it's better than MKR.

Respond to this thread

Dave W swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23, 2013

This is a words and writing blog? That changes my whole view on shit.

Respond to this comment

BigWillieStyle asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

Today is actually the first time I've had a look at this blog. You can say shit and fuck and shitfuck? Why had nobody told me of this shit before? Fuck! So, is sweary what qualifies a blog for thinky awards these days? Motherfucking unbelievable.

Barnesm asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

No saying Shit qualifies it at a wordy blog, to be a thinky blog you would have to say 'effluent' instead of shit and perhaps make a reference to Brechtian theatre, use the word 'epic' a lot but in an ironic sense.

BigWillieStyle mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

I envelop you with my gratitude, Barnesm. Pray tell, what is the general quality of discourse at this locale? As one knows, over at the Instrument, there is too great a quantity of bad spelling, detestable grammar and lamentable punctuation, not to mention mouth-breathing fucktards.

Bunyip swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 23, 2013

Epic vectored fornicating effluent.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted April 24, 2013

Politely said, Bunyip. Well done.

Respond to this thread

Quokka ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

Is that a possum on the rotisserie?

Lulu mumbles...

Posted April 23, 2013

No, it's the dead K-Mart rat.

JG reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

I thought the rat was eaten by Hacock. No?!

Respond to this thread

JG has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

We're a literate bunch here. So wordy some of you don't know when to stop. Shut the fuck up and stop ruining JB's chances.

Barnesm asserts...

Posted April 23, 2013

are you the boss of me? I can never remember I should write this frelling stuff down.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted April 24, 2013

I believe that, in our particular situation, the term "boss" doesn't really have any relevance. We, and those with us, can best be described as a self governing coalition.

JG is gonna tell you...

Posted April 24, 2013

A bit like Lord of the Flies.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted April 24, 2013

Exactly like Lord of the Flies - and loving it.

TC ducks in to say...

Posted April 24, 2013

Shut the fuck up, Piggies. I have a rock and I'm not afraid to use it.

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted April 24, 2013

I have the conch.

Respond to this thread

Peter Bradley mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

OK I just voted, where do I pick up the payola?

Respond to this comment

w from brisbane reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

As much as we might like to kick the ball around amongst our commenting selves, actually, looking at the history of nominations and winners, I think that comments count for pretty close to nought in this competition.

And quite right too. I hope JB does well. His blog continues to has give me considerable entertainment. Quality, intelligence, humour and so mANYNY an almost unique phenomenal dligence in producing content.

w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

I didn't hit submit, really. That last sentence was supposed to be:
Quality, intelligence, humour and so many blogs.

Respond to this thread

Quokka mumbles...

Posted April 23, 2013

http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/kellyville-ridge/other-pets/two-6-month-old-ferret-for-sale/1018317454

You wanted help with the possums in the rafters, right?

Respond to this comment

damian reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

So what you're trying to say is that you'd rather casual wanderers-in be left un-Burgered for the time being. Or at least we have to give them lube?

Quokka mumbles...

Posted April 23, 2013

If the visitors require lubricants, the Vicks is in the bathroom cupboard, between the plunger and those leg irons we used to use to restrain Sweet Jane Says.

Quokka reckons...

Posted April 24, 2013

Oh yeah.

Better keep the judges out of that closet. In fact, if they need to use the bathroom make them go on the footpath like the rest of you boys do.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted April 24, 2013

Indoor plumbing is over rated. You haven't lived until you've walked outside in sub zero weather to vacate your bowels. Take my word for it: the experience is quite transformational.

Barnesm reckons...

Posted April 24, 2013

I haven't lived then.

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted April 24, 2013

For "living" does it need to be intentional, or might one simply have encountered a bear?

Respond to this thread

Cintamani reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

ok ok, I get the picture, you will UNFOLLOW AND UNLIKE everyone who doesnt vote for you (shivers i fear).

Well, rest easy, I have braved the ENDLESS list of lesser offerings and voted for you :)

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

You're my new favorite.

Respond to this thread

Bangar ducks in to say...

Posted April 23, 2013

So should we have party? I'm sure I can find some booze ;)

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

No! No party until the ballot boxes have been stuffed.

Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted April 23, 2013

Improved water please Mr Bangarrrrrrr!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted April 24, 2013

If there is a party, and Brother Banger is providing libation, I will find a way to be there.

Bangar mutters...

Posted April 24, 2013

Well Somebody better be stuffing, about time we had a part the Bunnies have nearly got the pool back to perfection, it's begging for another jello treatmeant.

Respond to this thread

Therbs reckons...

Posted April 23, 2013

Fuck it, I'm gonna vote for Pobjie.

DrYobbo mutters...

Posted April 24, 2013

Meh, Pobjie's a precious little gobshite. I tried to downvote Dragonista but it wouldn't let me, so fuck it and Black Caviar, whether it rode in on it or not

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 24, 2013

Presumably one could downvote Dragonista by voting for everyone else once. But that's a lot of trouble for a relatively minor indulgence

Respond to this thread

Barnesm puts forth...

Posted April 23, 2013

are you the boss of me? I forget, I really should right this stuff down.

Frelling competions.

Respond to this comment

Therbs mutters...

Posted April 23, 2013

Once Paul Boylan gets his app on the market all of you are toast.

NBlob ducks in to say...

Posted April 24, 2013

Toast, antithesis of raw foodists.

Respond to this thread

NBlob is gonna tell you...

Posted April 23, 2013
In case anyone might be keeping tally:
Witty rejoinder.
Bon mot.
Thought provoking analogy (x2)
Double entendre, with a PoMo reference to MASH.
Signed off with clever use of HTML

Respond to this comment

Darth Greybeard would have you know...

Posted April 24, 2013

That's quite a collection NBlob. That'll keep me on my toes. My warm, furry toes . . .

Quokka puts forth...

Posted April 24, 2013

It's the jam in between them that scares us, you know.

damian puts forth...

Posted April 24, 2013

Which song did the Jam do on their gig on the Young Ones again?

Respond to this thread

NBlob mutters...

Posted April 24, 2013

This should get us over the line.
That and the average hookers & excellent blow JB laid on the judges.

http://t.co/NEuVcIc0zn

Respond to this comment

Jacques Stahl reckons...

Posted April 24, 2013

Geez, voting on that site was harder than voting below the line in the Senate ballot - you know, when you want to get rid of your least favourite Senator, but not let your second least favourite over the line on preferences?

Can I borrow the ferrets next please? Also the Vaseline, it's autumn and we have some burning off to do in the back paddocks.

Quokka would have you know...

Posted April 25, 2013

JB's possum infestation is such that he is unlikely to give up his ferrets. If you're lucky he'll loan you the lab.

Respond to this thread

HAVOCK21 mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2013

I'M FKN HERE!!!!

There, no its done, stay frosty ya fkn muppets!

Respond to this comment

Dick puts forth...

Posted April 24, 2013

OK, so I voted. Do I get an invite to the next Bounders Club meeting? Quite willing to volunteer for the Treasurers position. You can trust me.

Respond to this comment

DrYobbo swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 24, 2013

Hey if you win this JB guess what you get! "A one-hour mentoring session with Brandon Van Over, managing editor of Random House, to discuss publishing a book based on their blog and any other writing projects they wish to discuss." Totes awsm! This might finally be your big break!

I understand he's the bloke judging this segment, possibly we can get a word in the guy's ear ahead of time. Yep, that's what I'm suggesting alright: maybe we can tip Van Over.

[runs away having borked any chance of victory for JB]

Respond to this comment

Barnesm mumbles...

Posted April 24, 2013

Come on only one more comment for the ton.

Respond to this comment

Bunyip is gonna tell you...

Posted April 24, 2013
Exactly for how long do I have to continue to wear pants? I get rather nasty chaffing. Pictures can be supplied upon demand.

Respond to this comment

Mayhem's Mum reckons...

Posted April 24, 2013

One has crocheted some rather adorable new doilies to freshen up the place. Where would you like them, Mr Birmingham, sir? Over the vomit stains, I presume. Or would you prefer them draped over the shining pates of your less hirsute Burgers? Oh, my lord. One has just realised; that is no shining pate. Mr Bunyip, sir, put your pants back on this instant!

Respond to this comment

Barnesm puts forth...

Posted April 26, 2013

Crap, can you imagine how abstruse the discusions are going to get at bookclub next month to live up to the wordy, thinky blog catagory? I will need to read up on whats the hot new literary theory, (Cognitive Rhetoric is so 2005).

Respond to this comment

Respond to 'The Burger is in the finals of the Best Australian Blogs Competition'

Follow along with RSS