Cheeseburger Gothic

Where is my gold? Where is my glory?

Posted May 1, 2013 into Writing by John Birmingham

I had planned to be on my yacht at this hour, rolling naked in the pile of gold dubloons that were a righteous certainty to pour upon me within moments of the announcement that the Burger had trounced the competition for Blog of the Year. And yet, here I sit, in my underpants, picking dried barbecue sauce from my chest hairs and scratching my nuts in wonderment.
Because. I. Did. Not. Win.
I know, I know, inconceivable. And yet, not. Not when I foolishly allowed my hopes and dreams to take flight on wings feathered by the likes of you worthless galahs. Oh, how could I have been so foolish? I should have run the lot of you off years ago. I hardly know where to begin apportioning blame. So let's start with who's not to blame, and that's me. Not when there are so many others to whom I can sheet home responsibility for this disaster.
You, Havoc, I am looking at you and the poorly executed icing on the cupcakes with which you were to bribe the judges. What made you think that overly dramatic renderings of your genitalia would lead me on the first steps up the happy staircase to success? Well? I'm waiting.

And you, bearded Greyman. Put some pants on for God's sake and cover up those tattoos. And the next time a representative of the judging committee passes by this way, should they ever do so, try so very hard not to insert a ferret into them.
Dino, did it ever occur to you that your impenetrable ramblings look like poetry, and poetry never wins anything, anywhere. Certainly not friends. I blame you along with Lord Bob for not losing those extra 10 kgs he promised, by which means to draw the interest of the lady judges. I blame Murphy, for sitting in a corner, drinking distilled spirits from a pickle jar and muttering about philosophy. I blame Lobes, because Lobes.
I blame you all.
I could've been something. I could've made something of myself. I could've been a contender. Instead, all I got was this lousy "Finalist" sticker that I wouldn't even slap on the dog's arse during a bout of explosive diarrhea.
Damn you all. Damn you all to hell. I was meant for glory and all I got was a plate full of stale cock cakes.
Oh, and congratulations to that Stephanie girl who won. Her blog is quite good.

108 Responses to ‘Where is my gold? Where is my glory?’

Brian puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013

Seconded! Only because I know he has clean underpants - when he chooses to wear them.

Dino not to be confused with swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

Yeah I blame Lobes too.

Lobes AND his Chickybabe.

I just got home from the Four Pines Brewery(second time I've been ther this week and I met a French girl called Fabienne(ChickyBabe extrordinairre) and the Muso was Tre` Bon. Any way I come home and log on and am sad.

We let the team down. Lobes in Particular.

Did I mention how good the Muso was?

HAVOCK21 ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

OH YOU are sooooo fknlucky I';ve fkn been working for a living old scribe, fkn me part..I had the bastards up against teh fkn wall and even shot one in the foot for good fkn measure...and yet.....I fear, its the engineering , the structure that fkn let us down...LOBES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

Lobes has a Chickybabe? How odd. For reasons I now find mysterious I've always envisoned Lobes as asexual.

Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 2, 2013

Omnisexual maybe.

Lobes would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

Oh have you guys not met my Chickybabe? Her name is.... STEPHANIE!! Mwahahaha

Murphy swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 2, 2013

Man, I hear Steph is a real bitch. :)

Murphy reckons...

Posted May 2, 2013

I should offer an apology. It just dawned on me that Lobes was referring to the blog which actually won the competition.

My bad. I have no idea if she is a bitch or not.

Respond to this thread

Terry Frost mumbles...

Posted May 1, 2013

*doubloon

Apart from that, you wuz robbed.

Respond to this comment

Barnesm puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013

"at overly dramatic renderings of your genitalia" shouldn't the ones on the cupcakes be bigger then?

Do we need to go and 'explain' to the judges their error? What if somfing were to happen to Ms Stephanie's blog, like a fire?

Respond to this comment

DrYobbo would have you know...

Posted May 1, 2013

Fuck this. Everybody out. Imma blow up the intergoogle

Respond to this comment

tqft is gonna tell you...

Posted May 1, 2013

1) I wasnt named so don't blame me.

2) No payments for services were delivered so the person who failed deliver said payments may bear some of the blame.

3) there is no 3

Respond to this comment

Spanner puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013

I still get my beer right?

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted May 1, 2013

You'll get the back o' me 'and!

Respond to this thread

melissasavage puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013

I do feel your pain. My wee little site was up for Best Blog Under 6 Months old and I was beat out by a bloody commercial bridal blog. A rort, I say, a rort!

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted May 1, 2013

Brides? I hate brides.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2013

Oh, I adore brides! What is the url, Melissa?

Murphy mutters...

Posted May 2, 2013

Brides are a dish best consumed before the ceremony.

Respond to this thread

Quokka reckons...

Posted May 1, 2013

I blame those bastards in Emu creek that sold me the ferrets.

Nobody told me they bite.

Respond to this comment

BobGrrl swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

Clearly you needed more lesbians. Everybody loves lesbians.

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted May 1, 2013

Fuck! Yes! Can't believe I forgot to add lesbians.

JG would have you know...

Posted May 1, 2013

And thespians. Not that I'm treading any boards.

NBlob mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

Or Lesbian Thespians. Anyone seen Man Clumsy?

JG mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

Where have they all gone? A few ladies and gents have departed these shores in the last couple of years, or they post so infrequently that they turn up out of the blue like ghosts.

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BigWillieStyle ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

Yeah, but Stephanie's blog has got a link to a website where you can buy Hooded Cable Knit Cardigans. I've gone over your blog with a fine tooth comb...no sensible knitwear available anywhere! Must. Try. Harder.

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w from brisbane asserts...

Posted May 1, 2013

Can we also blame Random House?

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013

Pfft. That goes without saying.

w from brisbane ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

You really have been just left with a bag of dicks.

DrYobbo ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

Yes, but an expertly iced bag of dicks. So that's something.

Murphy puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2013

With cream filling.

Respond to this thread

NBlob would have you know...

Posted May 1, 2013

The day you rely on me for lady bait...

But let's explore the "it's GreyBeard's fault" theory further;

  1. It says Right there over the hearth "With pants come dignity."
  2. Cat hide moccasins, while inarguably toasty are not for Company.
  3. His 1st hand stories of and possible partial responibility for the Cretaceous-Paleogene event are felt by some to be ghoulish and macabre. In either case all agree they are just plain creepy.
  4. His "welcoming smile" reminds me of skull cave. Artificial, Lithic and no-one's home.

I put it to the members of the Membership Committee that The Time has come. The old fool has snapped. The recent arrival of GrreyBeard 3.1 has finally exhausted his meagre resources of sanity. Your compassion and pity are admirable, but think of the upside of a simple scapegoat or ????? if you prefer. None would be simpler a quick toss over the back of the troika. The snow will cushion his fall and I'm sure those doggies just want to play.

tqft reckons...

Posted May 1, 2013

Nah keep him around for the humour value and to blame for further erros of our ways

Darth Greybeard mumbles...

Posted May 1, 2013

Now I wonder if "erros" was errors or eros. If I'm going to be blamed I'd think Eros would be more fun.

Slight correction to NBlob's otherwise excellent rant - those weren't cat-hide moccassins, it was a live cat. They're so warm on my poor old feet.

Spanner mutters...

Posted May 1, 2013

It's so cute when Greybeard thinks he is people.

NBlob mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

Curiouser & curiouser said Alice.

I copied & pasted the Hebrew for Azazel. When composing the Gothic displayed it, when it did its " you just posted" thing it showed it, but now in the cold light of morning it has translated it to ?????.

Perhaps it is time to leap to an unfounded and baseless conclusion:

IT'S DAN'S FAULT. *

If he can't enable a simple right justified, ancient, largely extinct for 200 years, then rekindled, letter set, what chance did we have?

* Self evidently GreyBeard still retains some culpability.

DNABeast mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

Usually these decisions are made to avoid script injection but in this case it was to prevent anyone summoning a lesser demon. It should also auto-censor the names of the lovecraftian terrors, the ancient evils and The Doctor.

NBlob puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2013

Horse. Gate. Bolted. GreyBeard has been here for 5+ years.

damian mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

In the 21st Century, don't we just use placeholders, stored procedures or other API mechanisms to obviate the need to be paranoid about the content of strings of text? I mean, some day everyone is gonna be called little Bobby tables and all that...

Darth Greybeard puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2013

Oh god, I love "little Bobby Tables".

Respond to this thread

pitpat is gonna tell you...

Posted May 1, 2013

Hope you don't take this the wrong way in the depths of despair but I for one is glad you didn't win.

This is a super dooper blog and if you'd won then it would all change. Fame and fortune changes people and not for the better. We've all been there on the cusp of greatness only to draw back in horror as we look in the mirror to see the monster we have become. And no my name is not Clive.

John Birmingham ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

I dunno. The doubloons woulda been okay.

JG swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

You're a lady aren't you, pitpat? Yes, this blog is so much fun. It would be a pity for JB to spoil it with notions of grandeur and for him to go ching-chinging to the bank with the title of Australian blog god. He still is though. Yes, the man's a marvel. He writes like a demon, and he's funny, so funny, but don't tell him that.

This is the only blog I follow, so be grateful for that, JB. Whingeing bastard.

Joanna, incognito. ;)

MickH swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

Yeah I was rich and famous once but I gave it all away because i hated it

pitpat reckons...

Posted May 2, 2013

Hey Joanna, Fraid I am a bit of a bit of a beardy bloke. Thanks for the compliment, though I am not sure my wife will belive it till I show her the thread. Cheers Pat(rick).

With ya Mick, I mean apart from power, possesions, and a penchant for somewhat illegal substances which are all easily obtainable with a bit of corruption and larceny what does fame and fortune really do for you. Sure the chalet on the Swiss french border was good fun and snorkelling in the Caribbean was raking in the life savings of Mum and Dad investors is a job well done. But really what about the inner Chi, at the end of the day only you can allign the Charkra to lie strsight in bed.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mutters...

Posted May 2, 2013

I thought you were a woman, too, but a very masculine woman.

JG mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

That's strange, pitpat. I envisaged you as Patricia: a sweet, reticent on-the-elderly side woman. A woman who has a husband, a lovely flower garden, and one who enjoyed a homely existence.

So now I find out you are randy Patrick with a wife. CBG doth intrigue me.

pitpat mutters...

Posted May 2, 2013

Well some might consider me sweet, definetley reticient around strangers, Had a quite beautiful flower garden in the glasshouse mountains and although my life revolves around continual travel am very hard to prise from home. So all in all not a bad insight Indigo:) and really what's one chromosone between burgers.

PNB a Very masculine woman indeed, made my day

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Bunyip ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

I suppose I'll just have to get rid of these kidnapped pets and grandparents then...

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JG would have you know...

Posted May 1, 2013

Hahahaha. What a sight to behold. Havock, you do cake decorating too? You're a marvel. Anyway, funny, funny, funny.

Too bad, JB. You're stuck with us now.

JG :P

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Barnesm mumbles...

Posted May 1, 2013

Wll Next year

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w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted May 1, 2013

I think I see the problem. There were 5 categories. You were in "Words and writing".

The winning blog is good and it is exclusively about certain genres of popular fiction. Great. Your blog however, doesn't neatly fit into any of the categories. In fact, unlike all the other entries, you cover all the categories.

Let's check.

The Categories
Commentary - Yep. You bitch about stuff all the time. Tick.
Parenting - Yep. Those bloody kids. Tick.
Lifestyle/Hobby - Did you not just have a blog about beer? Tick.
Business - You are always on about money. Tick.
Words and writing - Double tick. Book Club. Stuff about POV etc etc. I almost understood some of it.

There you go. It's your mindscape, man. They couldn't handle it.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

You're right. Those small minded bastards. But I still blame the penis cakes.

Respond to this thread

MickH swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

So no placings?

Second?

Fifth?

Worst?

(I wasnt named so it wasn't me)

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MickH swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 1, 2013

ROFL

That photo of the penis cakes is going to scoll around in the header for FKN weeks!!

Brian mutters...

Posted May 1, 2013

Bet there's a few ladies who'd really take a bite out of those CUPCAKES!

MickH ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

bring water to your eyes just thinking about ti!

Respond to this thread

damian puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013
In the universe where you won we're all completely pissed now and really no-one knows how that goat got in the pool.

Bangar ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

Damian, I don't know how the goat got in the pool but I do know who brought it. I don't think anyone else will want to eat the jello from the pool this time, the goat has rather ruined the flavour, well from the expression on the jello eaters mugs anyway.

Dave W mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

I do prefer that universe. Sweet, sweet victory.

Much better than this miserable existence.

Respond to this thread

Darth Greybeard has opinions thus...

Posted May 1, 2013

This was clearly the greatest literary miscarriage of justice since Moses failed to win the Parchmenter Prize for the pentateuch. But it weren't us loyal Burgers who were to blame. Our eloquent and thought-provoking responses to every possible topic could not have failed to impress any fair and balanced panel of judges. But were they? Really? Or were their pockets lined with the escudos, cruzeiros and powdery Columbian pesos of ... Jorge Mario Pedro Vargas Llosa?

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 1, 2013

<i>VARGAS LLOSAAAAA!!!</i>

Respond to this thread

w from brisbane asserts...

Posted May 1, 2013

Anyway, Cheeseburger Gothic has the bigger tick.
It has been preserved by the National Library of Australia. Since 2006!
That means, as well as JB's blogs, every comment made has been preserved as part of the cultural treasury of this nation.

That's right! Every Havock, Boylan and Indigo. The nation says thanks, we'll keep that.

Just a darned pity there isn't a buck in it.
http://pandora.nla.gov.au/tep/55673

JG has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013

Good to know we're national treasures, by default, w. Thanks, JB. What's that expression? Riding on the back of the golden sheep.

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sibeen puts forth...

Posted May 1, 2013

I suggest you sic a lawyer onto those bastards on the voting commitee. The utter shits. There's one thing I can't stand and that is bastards who won't stay bought. Was not the offer of a ride in a fucking hovercraft enough?

Now, if only we knew a lawyer, any lawyer. Jeez, they probably don't have to be any good at their craft; just the sight of their embossed business card should be enough to have the result over turned.

Dino not to be confused with ducks in to say...

Posted May 1, 2013

Sibeen,

I have looked at the 'winner' and have noticed an 'about us' link.

But when you clink on 'about us' ther is only a photo of 'us' and no mention on what is obviously a collaboration !

I demand a recount and two of Havocks cupcakes.

Bunyip asserts...

Posted May 1, 2013

I think the cupcakes have got goat flavoured jello on them. Something transdimensional portal something Greybeard something bellyflop in pool something.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2013

Sibeen - I would be happy to draft a demand lettter.

Respond to this thread

Murphy has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013

I farted.

Just sayin'.

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Jacques Stahl is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2013

I hope it had nothing to do with my last post being sent from Tasmania. Do the judges have a way of tracking our cyber whereabouts?

I do have some nice honey from Yolla which could go on the cupcakes.

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DrYobbo would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

Right, so can we stop pretending this is a words and writing blog now? That was a fucking weird week or so.

Respond to this comment

HAVOCK21 mutters...

Posted May 2, 2013

its fkn quite obvious, I should not have used fkn BURGERS as me models for the fkn cupcakes, to many required to fill the fkn space!

JG asserts...

Posted May 2, 2013

How did you make them, Hav? Just asking. They are most realistic. I hope nobody was hurt in the making of your penile cupcakes.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013

I, for one, am relieved. It was just too much pressure avoiding referring to others as fuckknucklers and otherwise self-censoring myself in a doomed attempt to look respectable.

Winning would have ruined you, John. By losing, you win peace of mind and freedom of thought and action.

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Mayhem's Mum is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2013

I made you two dozen new doilies AND a fresh batch of lemonade scones with hardly any rat in them. If you didn't win, Mr Birmingham, Sir, it wasn't my fault.

By the way, has anybody seen my goat? When I got up this morning, I found I had mistakenly tethered Lobes to my gatepost instead. Indeed he looks just like my goat, but is much harder to milk. I'd rather have the goat back thanks.

Quokka asserts...

Posted May 2, 2013

Farming tip: a goat will not chew through a link metal chain.

JG puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2013

What's with the goat? What's goat got to do with it?

Respond to this thread

HAVOCK21 has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013
we seem to have a real posse of pillocks about at the mo!

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2013

In my defense, I'm not at my best due to jet lag.

Respond to this thread

DrYobbo reckons...

Posted May 2, 2013

I still think we should have tipped Van Over. That's comedy fucking gold and those pre-soiled wankbadgers on the committee can go root their boot if they opine otherwise

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

I just noticed (not that I was looking or anything) that the photo at the top of this post depicts a multicultural penis ensemble. Wasn't that thoughtful?

JG reckons...

Posted May 2, 2013

Politically correct, Paul. It's only right to represent a cross section of the community.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

Politically correct penis cupcakes. Yep. That's about right.

w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

That's it! That is why the gifting failed.
It was the hegemonic masculinity expressed by the gift that offended.
Or, as the judge remarked, "Where's the vag?"

Lulu swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 2, 2013

w, no, it failed because there wasn't enough of a 'journey' or 'story' for the judges to milk TV-ready tears.

Respond to this thread

Lulu would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

Did we cuss and drink too much? Or not enough?

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Brother PorkChop asserts...

Posted May 2, 2013

JB, you have taken this the wrong way! These days, as we all know, there are no losers. Just by competing, you are a winner! It is not appropriate to have a first prize, and it should be shared amongst all those that humbly put forward their product for consideration. And in this , we all win.

Brother PorkChop would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

Alternatively, you was robbed and I know some people that know some people that might be able to right this wrong. And get you your gold, or maybe some ears instead?

Respond to this thread

AgingGamer reckons...

Posted May 2, 2013

Can we put a hat around and collect some money to buy JB a couple of bottles of BBQ sauce and a fresh pair of underpants.

Lobes has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013

If he wants fresh undies he can get them off the floor at KMart like he usually does,

Respond to this thread

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 2, 2013

ARE YOU FKN KIDDING ME!

You are all SOFT and PITIFUL.little socialists.

Do you know what second place is? FIRST LOSER, that's what.

All of you should be ASHAMED of yourselves. FAFFING and FLOUNCING about in the comments when your LEADER has been HUMILIATED by a LITERARY WENCH. WTF kind of behaviour is that?!?! PATHETIC, that's what. PATHETIC. She doesn't even have a proper moody author photo on her page - it is a FKN CARTOON for FKS SAKE. You made JB lose to a CARTOON.

Get your shit wired tight people. I do NOT have time for cry babies and sad sacks.

Dr. Rhino's diagnosis is that all of you are too soft and the medicine is a tablespoon of cement every day until you HARDEN THE FK UP.

Oh, and with respect to the penis cakes. That biggest one near the center. I'm not braggin or anything but, you know, I was the model for that one. Just sayin.

A FKN CARTOON GIRLY.

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Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013

AND she gives stuff away.

AND she asks for donations.

This just keeps getting worse.

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Therbs would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

So can we now get back to behaving like vibrating butt-faced goats? Fuck the wanksocks off and get back to what we do best.

Barnesm puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2013

Get back to?

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TC ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

I told you you needed a fucking intern. This all could've been avoided...

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w from brisbane reckons...

Posted May 2, 2013

Hang on, Rhino. We have all been very supportive of JB in his sour grapes crisis. We have even been happy enablers to JB's wild finger pointing.
But, today is day 2. Time for a little honesty.

When the Australian Writers Centre tweeted to JB that his blog was a finalist, this exchange occurred:

JB - "So, what's it for?"

Australian Writers Centre - "Oh dear. You entered your blogs in the Best Australian Blogs Competition. Cheeseburger Gothic is a finalist."

JB - "hahaha. Holy shit I'm hopeless."

Australian Writers Centre - "This is excellent. I've never had a finalist forget they've entered before. "

Aaaah JB, do you think you may have made a tactical blunder there?

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yankeedog has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2013

I voted twice. What the hell more do you want?

Murphy would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

To be fair, I gave YD my proxy so he really only voted once.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2013

93 comments, can we make the Ton.

I set up 43 different online identities so I could vote, admittedly 22 of them decided to vote for Stephanie's blog, but still.

TC would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2013

What's the point of getting the ton if we still can't win anything? And by 'we', obviously I mean JB.

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

TC makes a good point.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2013

"What's the point of getting the ton if we still can't win anything?"

The point? What is the point of striving even if the goal is insubstantial or pointless? A man or woman's reach should exceed his or her grasp, or what's a heaven for, you fucking philistine.

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted May 2, 2013

Sorry about the "fucking philistine" characterization. It's been a difficult day.

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JG is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2013
Pushing for the tonne. Hope you found your Lindt chocolate bunny yesterday, John. Not only did JB lose the blog comp, he's got that damn Man Flu again. Not his week, but hey, tomorrow's Friday! Hang in there, JB. It's not over until the fat lady sings. Which isn't me. :)

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w from brisbane asserts...

Posted May 2, 2013

When I type
"player of games" iain m banks
into Google,
Cheeseburger Gothic shows on the first page.

I think that is pretty awesome.

JG ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

Loved that book. Glad we read it for the last CBG book club meet.

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Surtac ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2013

Lolz so hard it fkn hurts. Mwahhahahahahaaarrr.

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w from brisbane mumbles...

Posted May 4, 2013

Two topics today.
Spicy Beef Soup and Australia's Defence White Paper.
Yes, it's all about pho and ...errrrrr...foe.

As I said before JB, judging-wise, your blog has niche issues.

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