Cheeseburger Gothic

Has anyone actually read Dan Brown?

Posted May 15, 2013 into Books by John Birmingham

His royalty cheques are so vast each comes with its own post code and team of town planners. And yet everyone hates him and hates the books and hates themselves for living in a world where Dan Brown is even possible.

Well, everyone I know.

But somebody out there must have read his damn books. The da Vinci one sold upwards of forty million copies, dragging his previous titles along in its wake for a few million more. This latest, Inferno, has an inital print run, hard back I assume, since that's where the big profits are, of four million in the US alone.

Someone is reading these books. They have to be. They just have to. Someone other than snarky reviewers who have been waiting for years to unsheath their cruellest blades. Although, their numbers are legion.

Flavorwire has helpfully corralled the meanest, most vindictive and, naturally, the funniest of the reviews so far. I await the one-star Amazon responses. They are always the best. But until then here's are some highlights from two of my faves. A mock Brownian review in The Guardian:

The tall writer Steven Poole opened the wooden door of the strong house and peered at the small figure on the stone doorstep.

It was a boy. Cradled in his palms the boy nervously proffered a startling object. It was the new book by the famous novelist Dan Brown.

The tall writer took the precious artefact from the nervous boy's hands and thanked him. The miniature human scuttled off. An idling engine revved into life. The writer glanced down the street, then retreated into the residential building. He knew he had better get to work. Looking at his Tag Heuer Swiss watch, he calculated that he had only 48 hours to decode the arcane puzzle of the bestselling author's latest novel.

Peeling away the plump layers of protective wrapping, the writer opened the big book and out fell an obscure document. It was a nondisclosure agreement in threatening legalese. The long-awaited novel was strictly embargoed. Nervously, the freelance writer looked out of the glass window. He saw a bright glint on a distant rooftop. Was that a reflection from the sniper scope of a patient beautiful female assassin dressed in black leather, waiting to shoot him if he let slip any details of the important book too soon?

And this stinging one liner from Jake Kerridge in The Telegraph: "As a stylist Brown gets better and better: where once he was abysmal he is now just very poor."

Well, poor in one sense, maybe. But only one.

82 Responses to ‘Has anyone actually read Dan Brown?’

Murphy puts forth...

Posted May 15, 2013

I haven't bothered. Conspiracy crap has never interested me much. Religious conspiracies even less so.

Respects,

Murph

On the Outer Marches

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trentyarwood has opinions thus...

Posted May 15, 2013

I made the mistake of acquiring Da Vinci Code as an audio book before i went to spend three months working in the middle of nowhere. The story was awful, but I was forever scarred by the awful narration by an American guy who put on British and female French accents for Prof Whatshisface and the love interest.

Scarred, I tell you and never again.

John Birmingham mutters...

Posted May 15, 2013

Holy shit. I feel your pain. Actual fucking pain.

Karsoe ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

Perhaps this will make it better... from Get This, Rex Hunt recording the audiobook of The Da Vinci Code.

http://youtu.be/9KHIfYiZehU

w from brisbane would have you know...

Posted May 15, 2013

Rex! Very good.

Don Bagert would have you know...

Posted May 25, 2013

I also heard that audio book, early on so I did not know what the basic plot of the book was. *shakes head*

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan has opinions thus...

Posted May 15, 2013

No. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

But I often pretend I have read Mr. Brown's thrilling and thought provoking novels in the same way (but for different reasons) that I pretend I've read Alice in Wonderland, The Divine Comedy, Aristotle's Politics, The Book of Mormon and Miles to Go
(by Miley Cyrus).

Brother PorkChop has opinions thus...

Posted May 15, 2013

I am simply astounded. She can write?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted May 15, 2013

I wouldn't know.

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dessessopsid would have you know...

Posted May 15, 2013

I read The da Vinci Code. Everyone was reading it at the time, and I am a sucker for peer pressure. However, I started to read the sequel and stopped. It was too poorly constructed, and I simply couldn't get into it.

I will also admit to having read James Patterson, back when he used to write his own books, but I stopped reading them long before he went to ghost writers... or are they called co-writers.

However, as a former Librarian, my experience is that Dan Brown's books are stupidly popular, and as long as people are reading it is a good thing, isn't it?

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 15, 2013

I suppose so, I guess, if, well...

*trails off*

Dilph swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 16, 2013

Ditto - I found it to be light throwaway trash, but it filled a few hours that I would have otherwise spend on the couch scratching myself, so not a complete waste.

I'll agree on Patterson - some of his early stuff is good, but once he franchised himself out, it all went boom. I think the business model is 'send me a rough draft, I'll give it to my editors and then put my name on the front, and you get 1/4 of the royalties.' I think it was to co-written medieval one (the jester?) where he had the main character slashing and cutting with a jousting lance in a melee, that completely killed my desire to read further...

Patterson did however lead me on to Lee Child, so it all worked out OK.

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Lulu ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

No, but I have found that the films make excellent travelogues when shown on TV. I think Angels & Demons has the edge over Da Vinci Code in this respect, but others may disagree.

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Brian is gonna tell you...

Posted May 15, 2013

Yes. 3 of them. My partner rarely reads . . .and she got hooked on DaVinci code . . .and so . . .I read it. And then she wanted the sequel . . .and I read that etc etc

Spent most of the time thinking . .'Isnt this based on a popular book back in the '80s?' Von Daniken conspiracy theory nuts.

No. Wasn't impressed. Less impressed when people started quoting it as fact.

Barnesm mutters...

Posted May 15, 2013

I think you are refererencing a book by Michael Baigent called 'Holy Blood, Holy Grail' a regretable piece of fiction passing itself off as 'historical' and claiming the blood referred to in the title as Christ's blood that flows in his decendents.

AuntyLou asserts...

Posted May 16, 2013

I actually read 'Holy Blood, Holy Grail' when working with a conspiracy enthusiast quite some time before Dan Brown's excrement hit the page. So I was forced to read DB by the same guy (he was my boss) which meant I spent the entire time screaming "Plagiarism!!!" with every turn of the page. Both quite the waste of wood pulp.

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Shifty Tourist has opinions thus...

Posted May 15, 2013

I admit I read the Di Vinci Code... and.... well... kind of enjoyed it.... I'm not proud.

I was young, It was fast paced, had action, conspiracies, pissed of the catholics... why wouldn't I like it.

I liked Angels and Demons too.... but didn't make it past the second chapter of his other books.

By no means are they great literature.... or even good literature for that matter, but not unenjoyable (at the time).

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April Richards reckons...

Posted May 15, 2013

I've read them all. ALL! Why would someone do this? Because I had a Year 12 Extension History student try to base their entire major work on the incredible factual base that is projected in the works of Dan Brown. Never mind the fact I've worked in the US Capitol building and in the one with all the running to the Washington monument, you were more likely to end up on the Jersey turnpike!

But it happens EVERY YEAR! The wonder historian that is Dan Brown appears. And I read his work to mock it but usually end up with a headache- both from the reading and the smacking myself in the head with the book!

John Birmingham reckons...

Posted May 15, 2013

Good lord. I once had a teacher tell me about a student trying to pass off one of my old Rolling Stone stories as her essay about homeless kids. But this is a much better story!

Barnesm would have you know...

Posted May 15, 2013

Quoting Dan Brown from NBC Today, 3 June 2003: "Robert Langdon is fictional, but all of the art, architecture, secret rituals, secret societies, all of that is historical fact" (found in, Carl E. Olson, Sandra Miesel, The Da Vinci Hoax: Exposing The Errors In The Da Vinci Code, page 242 (Ignatius Press, 2004). ISBN 1-58617-034-1.

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damian reckons...

Posted May 15, 2013

I never did, and probably won't. Unfortunately that doesn't appear to have prevented most of the plot details from coming to me, apparently by osmosis, through the warp and weft of whatever we call our culture these days. I find it simultaneously hilarious and terrifying that the Jesus book turned out to be the subject of Umberto Eco's parody in Foucault's Pendulum, even though the latter was written 15 years earlier.

I've no deep objection to Dan Brown. Understanding the popularity is the interesting thing, I would have thought. If nothing else as an exercise in marketing books and tailoring them to a market that might be unexpectedly large. 40 million friggin' copies is a lot of beer and pizza. I suppose my theory is that a lot of people don't quite understand that it's fiction...

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 15, 2013

Funny story about understanding the marketing. I know more than a few publishers who've read Brown cover to cover and back again, trying to figure out 'why'. Why this piece of crap went berserk, and not the other thousand pieces of crap we published last year? Why? God help us WHY?

None of them knew. They still don't.

I'll never bother reading one, but I would pay good money to get a look at the editorial note on his first drafts.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

I believe the same thing is often asked re: 50 Shades of Grey.

Barnesm is gonna tell you...

Posted May 15, 2013

Preserve us from 50 Shades of Dan Brown.

damian ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

I'm tempted by the idea that it's because rather than in spite of the crap. But on reflection I think that's it's really neither, or both in some complex way. Comparing 50 Shades is interesting -- are they popular for the same reasons, are they both essentially fanfic?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 16, 2013

I don't intend on playing the cynic (well, that isn't entirely true) but the underlying fact exposed here is that most of us are snobs. I make that observation with a lot of love. I, too, am a snob. Y'all are my peeps, my mates. But the cold fact educated snobs like us often fail to realize is that our evaluations of art don't really count because most people out there don't care if something is well-written or not. If a book or movie strikes some special chord or meets some special need, it will be a huge financial success. That is why book, film and art critics often provide terrible reviews for works that become popular and commercial successes even after a slew of terrible reviews.

However, bad art tends to eventually peter out once the pop culture bubble bursts, whereas more skillfully crafted art that achieves popular success has a better chance of repeating itself if the same artists are involved (which rarely happens in film).

Brown is enormously lucky. He has hit upon a format that appeals to a very popular desire for revisionist history - which also explains the enormous popularity for alt-hist novels. The popular desire for this sort of thing is so strong that it may easily provide Brown with income for some time. I am expecting the same popular desire to do the same for Anderson, Flint, Sterling and our own beloved JB.

damian would have you know...

Posted May 16, 2013

I'm not sure that "revisionist history" quite nails it. I think there's something a little broader about it that has the appeal. The idea that J. Random Average can have some complex and rich inner life that is completely at odds with what shows on the surface. Brown's stuff definitely has that, so does 50 shades and so for that matter does Harry Potter.

I think being either fanfic (in the case of 50 shades), an expression of a well explored and pretty widely known genre (in the case of Rowling) or playing in an existing space of exegesis around a well known story, with lots of mythic/epic precedent.

Stieg Larsson had a similarly random, pusthumous impact (though he and Rowling are somewhat better writers than Brown and the other one). I think probably this secret world thing is a factor there too.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted May 16, 2013

I reckon you might be onto something with that inner life thing.

w from brisbane swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 16, 2013

There is also a critical mass. I'm reading it because everybody else seems to be reading it. Once you cross that rubicon, perhaps you gain another 50 plus % of your audience.

Stephen King was a case of that for a while.

It is more of a surprise how rare it is. Though less so because book reading can be hard work, except for that lazy audio book crowd.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan would have you know...

Posted May 16, 2013

I have a rich inner life. I really don't see now that explains anything.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted May 16, 2013

now = how

I must resolve to refrain from going on line after drinking. The older I get, the more important it becomes.

damian reckons...

Posted May 16, 2013

Paul, we've been over this. So long as you don't demonstrate mens rea, you're sweet.

Of course with some people sometimes the only way not to have mens rea is to be unconscious, and unless "any reasonable person would have killed him" is a defense in California you're screwed anyway.

Disco Stu asserts...

Posted May 22, 2013

I think that while Brown is a very clunky writer, he understands very well how to keep an audience engaged by keep the plot clipping along. The Da Vinci Code grates on the eye as the prose grinds against itself, but the plot never lets up- there's always a new revelation, a new danger, a new cliffhanger.

Mind you, all of Brown's books do this. The reason Code blew up was because of the subject matter, which Brown cannily described as "based on real research" and other nonsense. Suddenly everyone was talking about it, and were reading it to see what the fuss was about. It was a page-turner with a buzz campaign behind it.

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Surtac would have you know...

Posted May 15, 2013

I read the early books. SWMBO brought the Da Vinci Code back from a work trip where it had been recommended to her and she really enjoyed it -- up to a certain point where it started talking about additional books missing from the Bible and the practicing Presbyterian within her called bulls**t and flung the book away. I picked it up and read it as mindless entertainment with no redeeming literary merit. I then read the one about the NSA and then Angels & Demons but by then it was a real struggle - I'd worked out he used the exact same structure for all of them and all the narrative tension just disappeared. Sort of like when I made the mistake of reading two Patricia Cornwell books back to back - oh, it's chapter 6 so it's time for the first sex scene.

Haven't bothered with Brown since - haven't even watched the movie versions ...

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Peter in the bleaches would have you know...

Posted May 15, 2013

I just managed to finish the Da Vinci Code. Shite.

andy47 reckons...

Posted May 15, 2013

I too, just about managed to finish that book. I should have known when I got to the end of the first page that it was going to be rubbish but kept going in the vain hope that it would get better.

All I thought at the end was how I could write to the publisher and author and demand those 3 hours of my life back.

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yankeedog is gonna tell you...

Posted May 15, 2013

This part of everyone hasn't read a Dan Brown book.

I expect, somewhere, he's reading this and feels a twinge of sadness at the verbal barbs and criticism we're giving him. Then he goes out to his garage and looks at his big wheelbarrow full of money sitting there waiting to be taken to the bank, and he feels much better.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted May 16, 2013

Being sad is terrible. But being sad and rich is much, much better than being sad and poor.

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mosaic ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

I do. It's the thriller for the masses not as deep and epic in scale as say early Clancy or Cussler but fairly approachable and sells itself on the places and history is real shick. Da Vinci Code being controversial for its plot added to its success as did the movies.

His writing style isn't the best and Inferno doesn't improve on it.

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insomniac mumbles...

Posted May 15, 2013

book burning fuckwits have to get their conflagrational material from somewhere

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Rob is gonna tell you...

Posted May 15, 2013

I read the dad vinci code and hated it and only finished because I got so far through it. It was turgid, pseudo art school crap. It reminded me of books for people who don't read much , like fine art students , who would probably use it as a base for pretending to understand european classical art. Best comment on the da vinci code was from Lois Griffen in Family Guy who said 'the chapters are so short you feel really clever for finishing each one'. One guy I know said it was a great book because it was so big and therefore you cannot criticise it. Another waxed lyrical about it. I suggested she should read some kurt Vonnegut and get back to me. I would like to punch Dan Brown in the face.

LegalLibrarian would have you know...

Posted May 16, 2013

I think you are on to someting with the concept of it being a book for people who don't read much. People seem to think that if someone who doesn't read much likes a book it much be very good.. I have found it to be the opposite.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan reckons...

Posted May 16, 2013

Is ther such a thing as an illegal librarian? If there is, I very much desire to borrow books from one.

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Kbaggy asserts...

Posted May 15, 2013

I read 'em. I read half of one after a rollicking night out at the Stones Corner Hotel. Woke up with a slice of pizza and The Da Vinci Code open quite a way through on my chest. Mindless fodder but boozy Kbaggy seemed to eat it up. Also, for some reason, I imagined Langdon as a long-haired fat Val Kilmer, like Cunth from Macgruber. Anyway, I knew a farmer from Stanthorpe named Dan Brown, who was a better writer than Dan Brown. He spelt lettuce with a double s.

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w from brisbane puts forth...

Posted May 15, 2013

I wanted and expected to like it, but I gave up after 20 pages.
My loss, it must be so educational.

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Barnesm asserts...

Posted May 15, 2013
For those seeking a book that touches on the ideas of Dan Brown's, conspiracy, the church, hidden documents, secret orders/secret histories might I suggest Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco. I remember reading it as a young'n - great stuff.

damian swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 15, 2013

I second this recommendation - one of my all time favorite books.

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tqft asserts...

Posted May 15, 2013

Observation from a cheap ass book buyer.

At the Lifeline Bookfest - always plenty of Dan Brown's latest for purchase. and sparkly vampires and 50 shades stuff.

Sometimes you get lucky and a rarity. I think I have managed to acquire a Tim Powers book there once. You seea few of JB's but not many.

People may buy & read. But they don't keep them.

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Big Bad Al swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 15, 2013

I've read them all... but then again I am on a lot of medications. I enjoyed his books. However I may be one of the few people who read them as works of fiction... not historical fact.

Treating his books as a work of non-fiction is as silly as believing that a fleet of modern day warships could be transported back to World War Two (Humm... That sounds like a good story that someone should write.) or picking faults with Star Trek technology that doesn't exist.

I like a good yarn and always have. As a lad I had the complete collection of Biggles. I enjoyed the adventures of Jason and his Argonauts. I realised early in life the joy of reading and a good yarn.

Hate me for liking Dan Brown's books if you will. It would not be the first time.

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted May 15, 2013

Oh Al, nobody hates you. Pity, yes. Mock, certainly. But not hate.

Big Bad Al asserts...

Posted May 15, 2013

Mocked and pitied again... once more. *sigh* The story of my life.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted May 16, 2013

Could be worse, mate.

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Therbs is gonna tell you...

Posted May 15, 2013

No.

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clarebear ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

Yes I read Da Vinci Code years ago when it was all the rage - everyone was reading it on the train. I was enthralled. Then I read Angels and Demons and suddenly I recognised a con and got totally pissed off - it was the same but different if you know what I mean. Maybe we should accept that Dan Brown is the Enid Blyton of the adult book world - addictive and it keeps folks reading books!

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SweetSisterMorphine reckons...

Posted May 15, 2013

Somebody foisted a copy of The Da Vinci Code on me, somewhere around the height of it's popularity, and I struggled through it to see what all the fuss was about. I didn't expect it to be good, but I at least expected it to be mildly entertaining. It was neither of those things, and I'm pretty sure that reading it actually lowered my IQ a couple of points.

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UntamedSnark is gonna tell you...

Posted May 15, 2013

Reading Dan Brown is like eating a McDonalds burger, vaguely attractive at the time, you get to the end and wonder what the hell you have just done to yourself.

Hence my coining of the phrase McLiterature

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Dino not to be confused with mutters...

Posted May 15, 2013

I read a random chapter at a mates place many years ago.

Something about getting into a jeep and driving to a hill or something.

So where is the middle ground on literature?

Populism or Art? Dollars or Artistic Integrity?

Dan Brown doesn't have to eat sawdust anymore.

I suspect the books were 'dumbed down' and lowered in reading age to make them more accessible. But I only read one random chapter so I could be wrong.

Oh and JB, I am now coming down with the "Manflu".

Pretty sure I got it from you!

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MickH ducks in to say...

Posted May 15, 2013

I've read them all. Won't read another one.

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steve j mumbles...

Posted May 16, 2013
Everyone I know who's read it and liked it tends to be a non reader of fiction. Readers all hate it with a passion. By the way formatting of this blog on agalaxy S3 is complete shit.

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Dark Matter is gonna tell you...

Posted May 16, 2013

I watched the movie version of the Da Vinci Code. My response: it's been done before and better. I really enjoyed this reviewer's comments on Dan Brown: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/10049454/Dont-make-fun-of-renowned-Dan-Brown.html

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Moko mutters...

Posted May 16, 2013

*his bank account gives everyone the finger*

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Rushy mutters...

Posted May 16, 2013

Yes I have read a bit of Dan. But then I also cut myself in places that don't show to feel alive as well. I think the two activity have some resonances.

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Jayanthi's Atomic Cat is gonna tell you...

Posted May 16, 2013
My Dan Brown books are on my shelf for days when i am too brain drained o rread anything else and on those days they are acceptable light entertainment. I and a lotof my med school buddies used to watch the Bold and the Beautiful for that very reason. I have a set of books set in the world of low-fantasy gridiron for the days I am actually brain dead.
My galaxy is also having a breakdown with this site when i post.
I figure you have to cater for all possible states of a compulsive reading disorder.

Dilph ducks in to say...

Posted May 16, 2013

Good lord, Blood Bowl novels exist? How did I not know of this cheesiness?

They may end up replacing the old Dragonlance collection as my mental flatline inducer of choice...

Jayanthi's Atomic Cat puts forth...

Posted May 16, 2013
Dilph, I promise you these are better than Dragonlance for that purpose. I have Blood Bowl and Dead Ball c/o my local library's chuck-out pile. I was hoping they would got me through the gridiron off-season but no such luck.

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Jayanthi's Atomic Cat puts forth...

Posted May 16, 2013
Sorry about the double post. I blame the phone!

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted May 16, 2013

Sorted, thru the magic of technology.

Jayanthi's Atomic Cat would have you know...

Posted May 16, 2013
Thanks JB. PS big fan of this blog and its residents for a long time, pleased to finally be a citizen!

Dino not to be confused with puts forth...

Posted May 16, 2013

PNB

I would have thought 'fresh' would have been more appropriate.

Another monosyllable lost in lexicon with relevance only to fruit,vegetables and household cleaners

Dino not to be confused with asserts...

Posted May 16, 2013

Whoa!

Hold on one minute here!

JAC if clicked on becomes...?

Whattsa goin' on?

Jayanthi's Atomic Cat mutters...

Posted May 17, 2013
What happens?

w from brisbane swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 17, 2013

JAC
You place your cursor over your name on top of your statement
"Sorry about the double post. I blame the phone!"
You might see the 'Jayanthi's Atomic Cat' change colour. Click on it. It is a link.
I'm assuming you are really Dan Brown, but I will keep your secret.

Jayanthi's Atomic Cat asserts...

Posted May 17, 2013
Can't get it to work on this phone...shall try later from home. If i don't get a huge WTF moment i shall be very, very disappointed.

Jayanthi's Atomic Cat is gonna tell you...

Posted May 17, 2013

Well, on my phone and on my 'puter it just reloads the Cheeseburger page and cuts to the Simon Pegg interview extract...pity, I was so looking forward to writing "WTF???" or some clever little comment about conspiracy theories obviously not being so theoretical, but never mind.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon puts forth...

Posted May 16, 2013

Hi. My name is Simon and it has been 9 years, 3 months and 15 days since i have read a word of Dan Brown. I succumbed on a trip from Sydney to Glasgow in the shiny giftshop onslaught of goods to the lure of raving book sales "if it has sold that much it can't be bad, surely" and became one of those numbers in the millions that had bought his book. On the plane I had just opened the book and the air hostess said "you are really going to enjoy that book, i thought it was fantastic". She had appeared out of nowhere like a Dan Brown genie. Good for one comment. Okay great - a first hand recommendation - from someone pretty as well! No-one pretty talks to me unless paid to . . . . hang on!

I read the book. I avoided her from then on (hiding in the tiny toilet, behind seat 7B, in the luggage rack) just in case she tried to engage me in discussion about how good (gah! I choke even writing that) it is/was. In a subsequent discussion with friends travelling in a taxi from some place in england to another my friends tried to presuade me that his next book was better. NEVER AGAIN.

Bunyip puts forth...

Posted May 16, 2013

I hazard a guess that the appropriate term for both is packaging without content.

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oshanda ducks in to say...

Posted May 16, 2013

Yep, read a couple. I thought that Angles & Demons was the least worst, DaVinci code horrible and that thing about the giant computer awful.

It seems to me that they were good stories that deserved a better writer.

Jayanthi's Atomic Cat mumbles...

Posted May 17, 2013
I agree. Although I prefered the change in plot they did in the movie version of Angels and Demons.

Maybe, following on from clarebear, these books might get non- readers to read other books ...perhaps somewhat optimistic? And look, at least it's not 50 shades. Which i haven't been able to bring myself to read.

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted May 17, 2013

All snark aside, I am a believer in the pwer of these shitty, but megaselling books to drag non readers into the library.

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ShaneAlpha mutters...

Posted May 17, 2013

Umberto Eco did it better in "The Name of the Rose" plus, you know, Connery shits on Hanks anyday. :)

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