Cheeseburger Gothic

Newsletter 2

Posted August 19, 2015 into House keeping by John Birmingham

Thanks to all those who have signed up so far. The spam factory is running around the clock and will soon extrude the first glistening pink tube of industrial grade processed meat product.

Mmmm... delicious direct marketing goodness.

I'm waiting until I hit a set number of sign ups from the Burger, however, for a good reason. The same reason I haven't mentioned this project anywhere else because I want the initial subscribers to come only from here. The Burger is my stronghold on the web. It is where my Centurions gather.

From you I will draw the murderous, blood thirsty champions of the campaign I will fight to ensure world domination when...

Er...

That didn't come out right.

Let me try that again. I want to build out my ebook business next year. Finish (finally) Stalin's Hammer. Start (finally) a return to The Disappearance. And open up some new storyworlds, including a classic space opera. Not all of these will happen under the aegis of my trade publishers. (They're not much interested in long form space opera, for instance).

The newsletter, as a marketting channel I can control, will be a big part of all this. If everything just rolls along, and Season 2 of HOOPER comes out sometime next year with Pan Mac and Random House and Titan, the newsletter will help sell that series. If I decide to take more control of my own business (or I ever have that decision thrust upon me) the mailing list I'm building now becomes even more important than serving as simple channel for a newsletter.

I'd be looking for Beta readers for more than The Oral History of the Monstyr Wars, for instance, and I'd be looking for them here. Not on Twunter or Farcebuck. The mailing list provides an immediate pool of trustworthy candidates because the first couple of hundred names are all long time Burgers. When it came time to pimp the books, everyone who signed up first and was interested in coming along for the ride, would get sorted into a small, bespoke, and highly fucking exclusive list for free Advance Reader Copies.

You wouldn't be reading these freebies to help me with editing. They'd already be edited. You'd be reading them for fun. And because, if you liked the books, upon release you could hit the online stores en masse and shit out sparkling 88 Star reviews like a herd of Unicorns with explosive magic diarrhoea.

Who wouldn't want that?

You can sign away your soul and all associated property rights here.

54 Responses to ‘Newsletter 2’

FormerlyKnownAsSimon swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 19, 2015
okay. I signed up. But I can only offer a secondary allegiance. First goes to my other half, The Minister for War and Finance.

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Drew-mo mumbles...

Posted August 19, 2015
That was so hard- Pancakes? Road signs?

Wouldn't accept any of my answers- I almost went Dave on i.....until finally it took pity on me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been counting on my pee-pee. Anything past 1 is a challenge.

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Nocturnalist mumbles...

Posted August 19, 2015
Fine. Fine. I subscribed. My price is that you have to have this playing when you send it out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REnk67IFQBc

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TheWah mutters...

Posted August 19, 2015
I signed up and honestly had difficulty choosing all the pics with playgrounds in them. The software encoded by my Alien Masters is starting to bug out. Which is no surprise, what with all the oxygen in your atmosphere! Oxygen! In the Atmosphere! It's corrosive as hell, donchaknow!?

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Paul_Nicholas_Boylan asserts...

Posted August 20, 2015
I am a paid spokesperson for Hormel Foods Corporation. Therefore, I am an unbiased, trustworthy source of information and objective opinion on the topic of Spam, the wonderful, comparatively nutritious, food-like canned meat product that is mostly meat. If you haven't tried Spam, then you have no idea how terrific it is. I love it. And you will, too. Try it fried or grilled, by itself or on a bun with your favorite condiments. Or try it right out of the can with a spoon. Take it from me, when you are really, really, really hungry - the kind of hungry that happens when you are a civilian in a war zone hiding in the pile of rubble that was once your home - a can of spam is heaven.

And did you know that Spam has no expiration date? It's true. Spam is a miraculous perpetual lunch meat - perfect for doomsday preparation enthusiasts.

So try some today. Or when the world ends. Either way, I am confident you are going to love it.

insomniac mutters...

Posted August 20, 2015
Is there any truth to the rumour that the "meat" portion of spam is cow's arseholes, and that the "non-meat" portion is worse?

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
How dare you disparage this fine and wholesome food product with the insinuation that part or all of it derives from bovine anal sphincters? How dare you, sir?

The proper referent is "porcine."

Rhino swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
PNB - you needed to end that with:
"Good day, Sir."
"I said, Good Day, Sir!"

insomniac reckons...

Posted August 20, 2015
Thank you for correcting me on the true source of the "meat" portion of spam, however you lost me when you described it as a "food product".
As an aside, and as one would know, spam eaters are a happy lot, wearing what might both figuratively and literally be referred to as a shit eating grin. Shizzle, as the young people say, was mentioned in the Bible, somewhere towards the back, in reference to a low quality meat foodstuff eaten exclusively by the Gentiles, which in hindsight is obvious given it's source.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
I am pointedly ignoring Insomniac - because he is clearly a Godless Communist - and responding to The Rhino thus: (1) yeah, I should have used the Tootsie "good day" line; (2) are we gonna do NO or Atlanta for steak and cigars? Your choice. Either way, I got guest speaker gigs to pay for it all.

insomniac asserts...

Posted August 20, 2015
I am distraught over the cruelness of your words. Godless I can proudly accept; Communist is also ok because I feel like I could be such from time to time; but your use of the uppercase I in insomniac when I clearly only ever use the lowercase form is totally unacceptable.

GhostSwirv mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2015

May I remind you, in the words of Rhino Esq., Good Sir, that you have recommended my good self 'take one for the team' ... a far greater threat to one's humanity than the deliberate misuse of a case in font.

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Barnesm asserts...

Posted August 20, 2015
"<font color="#333333">They're not much interested in long form space opera, for instance" did the laugh, I am sure they laughed. Will show them, wwill show them ALl, THEY WILL ALL PAY. MUHAHAHAHA. </font>

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Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2015
What is the cut off for this a-list? I don't want a lot of unwashed rabble forcing their way past the door security just because you announced how exclusive membership is for we early supplicants, errrr, early adopters.
Besides, I would laugh my ass off if Havock got stuck outside. Oh, the torments I could dream up.
I throw in another perk - anyone that signs up that comes to Atlanta gets to enjoy a steak and a cigar with the Rhino*
*double secret probation, unpublished rules written by PNB, esquire apply to this offer.

beeso mutters...

Posted August 20, 2015
Not that i'll be travelling any time soon, due to the horde, but you realise that some of us are unwashed hippies right?

GhostSwirv ducks in to say...

Posted August 20, 2015

Dear Rhino, is that a Spam-Steak and a Spam-Cigar?

Never mind ... for wholistic health reasons my Spiritual Advisor has warned me not to visit Atlanta until the legal status and known whereabouts of Prof. X AKA - PNB are resolved.
They suggest I continue on with my True Detective Series#1 Crime Scene Locations Tour instead.

Its much safer.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
The list cuts off at 100 members.

dweeze would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2015
B. " you realise that some of us are unwashed hippies right? "
I resemble that remark.

R. Would you settle for a lentil burger and clove ciggie?

Therbs mutters...

Posted August 20, 2015
Steak, Rhino? Cigar? I'll pop for a few beers and whiskey to add to the mix.

Rhino would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2015
Get thy asses to the ATL!

Rhino puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2015
My wife is a vegan. I know all the good places. Where values of "good" are subjective.
I believe in BYOM in those instances.
Nothing wrong with hippies that a fire hose and wire brush can't fix.

dweeze swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
BYOM - Bide Your Own Missus?

Funny enough, I have washed down a hippy mate with a fire hose. It was fun. Oh how I wish now that I'd thought of a wire brush.

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Grand Admiral Thrawn mumbles...

Posted August 20, 2015
is the link above the same as the earlier ones or is this a new start one?

Grand Admiral Thrawn has opinions thus...

Posted August 20, 2015
never mind figures it out by myself. just being a idiot.

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ChrisB puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2015
Oh heck ya! Time to crank up me writing musckles. Looking forward to lending a hand and word or two.

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Spanner is gonna tell you...

Posted August 20, 2015
Fine then take my soul. I just have to get MrsS to sign the release form for it. She took it for safe keeping so I didn't do anything stoopid with it. This isn't stoopid is it? I mean what could go wrong with JB owning my soul?

Therbs reckons...

Posted August 20, 2015
I thought GB owned your soul.

Darth Greybeard reckons...

Posted August 25, 2015
I'm only interested in his right knee, and only if the ACL and cartilage is intact. Mrs S keeps his soul in a Kinder Surprise egg, in her "random crap" box.

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Dave W puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2015
Wonderful spam, wonderful spam.Spam spam spam spam spam spam spamWonderful spam, wonderful spam.
I think I signed up for this. I know I had to prove I was a human. So obviously that means I get the spam. Wonderful spam.

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan puts forth...

Posted August 20, 2015
Anyone who channels the Pythons is okay in my book.

Don't let it go to your head.

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NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 20, 2015
A can of Spam sliced twice & fried makes a happy Hawaiian. Or so I was led to believe.

damian ducks in to say...

Posted August 23, 2015
You left out the Golden Circle pineapple rings and the Supafry

insomniac is gonna tell you...

Posted August 24, 2015

damian is gonna tell you...

Posted August 24, 2015
That's possibly the most frightening thing I've seen here

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JG would have you know...

Posted August 20, 2015
F*ing spam. Oh please. Release the bushelled kale, please. Where is Havock [sic]? And SJS, and all the oldies? Come back! I cannot do green eggs and Spam! ;P

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Lobes reckons...

Posted August 21, 2015
ok i signed up, when can I get my old avatar back pls

Paul_Nicholas_Boylan is gonna tell you...

Posted August 22, 2015
If I am not very much mistaken, I believe I acquired all rights to your old avatar. I It conveys the dignity of my station.

Lobes would have you know...

Posted August 23, 2015
well in that case I demand the porn parody of my old avatar as the next best thing

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damian reckons...

Posted August 23, 2015
Are we supposed to be expecting some sort of email as a result of these shenanigans?

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pi asserts...

Posted August 24, 2015
I failed the first captcha. Does that disqualify me?

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Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted August 25, 2015
Reading back through these comments. And it hit me that It is entirely within the realm of possibility that PNB really is a paid spokesperson for Hormel.
He has his tentacles, errrr fingers, in so many things.
Just another reason to be happy he is on my side.

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TeamAmerica mumbles...

Posted August 25, 2015
I applied for the Beta and newsletter, but got no confirmation email. Guess I missed the cutoff due to being late to apply.

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TexasTeaserPony mumbles...

Posted August 25, 2015
I signed up too. Several hours ago, in fact, and yet no fanfare, no glowing announcements that JB had landed the big one. WTF?

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John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted August 25, 2015
You have both made it on. I let the VIP list blow out to 200 subscribers. The Teaser Pony just snuck in.

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John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted August 25, 2015
Also, it amuses me greatly that Lobes has set his email up to address him as 'You Legend, Lobes.'

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Darth Greybeard reckons...

Posted August 25, 2015
I'm in. Sod the rest.

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BigTimeTexasTeaserPony ducks in to say...

Posted August 26, 2015
Actually, Darth, *I'm in*, lucky you, sod the rest. You too, Legend. Lucky everyone, really. Particularly JB, your new master. Who baited everyone in with his promise of previewing his work. Baited. Yes, he's your master baiter.

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Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted August 26, 2015
Fuck it. Go for 300. More appropriate as
THIS! IS! SPARTA,

Therbs has opinions thus...

Posted August 26, 2015
Wonder how many of the old JSpacers are on the list? FKNHavsy prolly missed out which is a shame 'cos there'd be countless opportunities to get all FKNSHOUTY and CAP Fkn MUPPETS!!!

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 26, 2015
There are some fascinating emails on that list.

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Invested Ivana mutters...

Posted August 27, 2015
"...shit out sparkling 88 Star reviews like a herd of Unicorns with explosive magic diarrhoea."
OMG, John! Sign me up for the explosive magic diarrhea! :) LOL! You sure know how to convince a gal. :)

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Rhino asserts...

Posted August 27, 2015
If you do a Dave anthology with pro scribes ... Please, please, please promise that you'll reach out to John Ringo and Larry Corriea.
Just sayin.

John Birmingham swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted August 27, 2015
I would, but that's unlikely to happen any time soon.

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