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Raven On S6E2: Home

Posted May 2, 2016 into Raven On by girlclumsy

SPOILER WARNING!

Only read on if you’ve seen Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode Two.

Seriously, I mean it here, because some S*** WENT DOWN, people.

Oh my beloveds! He’s alive. HE’S ALIVE!

I’m not a religious woman, but I defy Christianity to offer a narrative as joyous and fulfilling as a beloved man of questionable parentage rising from the dead.

Jon Snow has returned to me. I mean, us. You know, the Game of Thrones viewing audience. The world and all of its sensible, Jon Snow-worshipping types. But mostly me, the Beyonce to his Jay-Z (unlike that Ygritte with the good hair).

This episode was shocking and dastardly in so many ways - most of them to do with BOOO HISSS Ramsay Bolton - yet we got the happy ending we so desperately craved, an ab-tastic sequence which somehow made all the horror seem kind of okay. Of course, Jon himself looked rather shocked by it, but hey, I too would be confused if I woke up near-naked with just my foster kittens for company. ‘Cause that never happens normally. No. Never.

And Melisandre, dear, wonderful, craggy Melisandre - all is forgiven. Yes, you encouraged Stannis to burn his own daughter at the stake (something Ser Davos conveniently hasn’t seemed to have realised yet). But damnit, you’ve shown vulnerability, self-doubt and crackingly good resurrection skills. You’re OK again in my book.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The title for this episode really set up the through-line of the interweaving stories this week. For whether it was finding it, missing it, returning to it or attempting to set one up - so many of our characters were seeking the true meaning of “home”.

Also there were a lot of big dudes smashing the shit out of other dudes. And Ramsay Bolton being an utter, utter, utter, utter smegging utter utter bastard. It’s all enough to make a recappespondent swoon and have to remove her bra for medical reasons. Join me please, as I release the tension in my bosoms and shove the twin nipples of plot and character development right in your face.

Season 6, Episode 2: Home

I think the key takeaway from our long-awaited catch-up with Bran in that meth den far north of the Wall is HOLY CRAP HODOR COULD SPEAK?!

Sure, discovering that Bran’s Warg Powers not only allow him to commune with animals but mentally time-travel (a sort of interior Tardis) was a big revelation too, but gods-be-damned if it wasn’t something else to wonder what happened to that shy, gentle stable boy to turn him into a shy, gentle, stable boy who only says “Hodor”?

Of course, Hodor wasn’t telling. Well, he may have been, but despite Bran’s best “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”, only “Hodor” was forthcoming.

That mind-blowing development was revealed to us in a mind-blowing mystical encounter featuring the Three-Eyed Raven, a sort of kindly Walter White figure who can dial in your blue sky visions with up to 99 per cent purity.

I am the one who knocks, Bran.

Transported to a Winterfell of many years past, the second-youngest Stark watched, on all two legs, as his father Ned and uncle Benjen practised their sword-fighting.

We even saw the much-discussed Lyanna Stark ride in on a white steed, dark hair flowing, all sass and sisterly love, attempting to rope young Hodor in to be Benjen’s sparring partner when Ned goes off to learn from Jon Arryn at the Eyrie.

Now here’s something. I always figured Lyanna was Ned’s younger sister, but it looked from the immersive flashback like she was a fair bit older. This may be important, it may just be an observation - certainly Nan (not “Old” just yet) didn’t much take age into account when chewing them all out for being silly buggers.

All we know for sure is that according to Bran, “They were all so happy”. “So were you, once,” replies the triple-peepered-corvus. Yep, for those first 45 minutes of season one, episode one, Bran sure was a chipper kid.

Of course, he’s not allowed to linger at this warm, familial scene, because according to Walter White Raven, if you continue to scuba without air in your tank, you drown. Bran of course wasn’t drowning, he was home. But as Homer Simpson taught us, you cannot just run away from your problems and start a new life under the sea.

Bran’s protector Meera is getting jacked off at how very boring her life has become. I imagine hanging outside while all your friends are tripping balls gets dull pretty quickly. But the intense fairy woman/Child of the Forest insists she is much needed. Bran may be home in the meth den right now, but someday soon he’s going to have to move on. And that’s when he’ll need an awesome fighting chick by his side.

Speaking of awesome fighting chicks, in the forest north of Winterfell, the much more relaxed Brienne gives Sansa an update about seeing Arya with the Hound a whole season ago. “She looked good,” came the summary, “although she wasn’t dressed like a lady.”

Sansa’s smile and retort (“No, she wouldn’t be”) were so sweet. Given this was the first confirmation Sansa has had in years that her sister is in fact alive, I wish they’d talked about it a little more. Certainly Sansa had nothing to say about her time at Winterfell, only that she wished she’d gone with Brienne the first time she’d offer to protect her. “It was a difficult choice,” Brienne responds, giving Sansa an out. I mean, yes, it was, but also, you were travelling with Petyr Baelish at the time, Sansa! Sure he saved your life at the Purple Wedding but come on, you had to be suss by the way he looked at you and (probably) smelled your hair.

Sansa is very forgiving of Theon, whose is well into his Redemption of Reek journey. The Greyjoy heir doesn’t want forgiveness of course - taking the black and joining the Night’s Watch won’t wash away the sins he committed against the Starks. He needs to make things right, and to do that, he has to go back to where it all began - the Iron Islands.

Over in Pyke, King Balon really is losing the plot. His daughter Yara - possibly the most sensible character in the series - raises the thorny issue of their strongholds on the mainland being recaptured by their original tenants, but Balon doesn’t want to hear it. “Stop disobeying my orders!” he rants, getting more boring by the second.

In the end he winds up crossing a rope bridge between two of his castles turrets, being buffeted by ferocious winds. You’d think the Iron Islanders might be used to that kind of weather and develop better bridges - or maybe trial squat, all-in-one buildings - but they’re salt people, and any opportunity to practice flailing about in a storm would no doubt be considered character building. After all, you can’t make a mistake twice if your limbs are broken on the rocks below.

At this point, Balon is bailed up by a mysterious stranger who turns out to be his brother, Euron Greyjoy. It was a bit odd to introduce Euron this way, as I couldn’t get a good look at his face, and the rain made it a bit hard to understand what they were saying. But the gist seemed to be that Euron is an insane megalomaniac who doesn’t just worship the Drowned God, believes he is the Drowned God. Oh joy, another David Koresh type. As if the Iron Islanders weren't already Waco enough.

Eventually Balon attempted to grab Euron, but instead was tossed off the rope bridge like so many horny masochists.

The death of Balon was not a total surprise, and not a total loss really. We only saw him rarely, he was just a bit of a mad old coot, and even though the introduction of his long-lost brother was a bit convenient and quick, this Euron fellow may still prove a more useful character.

Sure, Theon will get home to find his daddy gone, but he can still make amends with Yara. In fact, he may be able to help her, as it seems the Iron Islanders are a tad against a woman ruler, even if it was clear that Balon considered her his heir. Hey dudes, perhaps if you’d let a freaking woman rule you before now, you might have replaced raping and pillaging with more sensible policies such as sustainable aqua-culture and a tourism industry. Go get ‘em, Yara.

Please, tell me again how I am not qualifed to run this dump.

Let’s talk BOOOOO HISSSSSS Ramsay Bolton.

I imagine there may be some outcry over THAT scene. You know, the one where Lady Walda and her newborn baby were ripped apart by Ramsay’s bloodthirsty hunting dogs? Not on camera, of course, they left that to the imagination and the foley artist. But still, it was pretty brutal, and I can understand how it may upset some people.

However - surely as soon as the news of Lady Walda giving birth to a boy was pronounced, we knew they were both dead? When Ramsay stuck a knife in his father’s gut, just a moment after being told he would always be his first born, we knew Roose’s direct line would be snuffed out. When Ramsay asked to hold the baby, we all thought he was about to dash its brains out right there on the cobblestones.

So maybe the dogs were a bit much, but then, everything about Ramsay is a bit much. HE CUT A GUY’S KNOB OFF, PEOPLE.

Also, Game of Thrones has form on baby-maiming - remember the first episode of season two, when the City Watch in King’s Landing slaughtered all of King Robert’s bastards, including a newborn in the brothel?

Personally, I thought the Walda’s pride in her baby, her heartbreaking realisation of what was happening and her last-ditch plea for their lives were amazingly portrayed. In those moments Walda had real humanity and character, as opposed to the fairly one-dimensional role she had played in previous scenes.

If anything, it was Roose’s death that surprised me - and, I must say, moved me. Given Roose’s ability to curb Ramsay’s worst excesses, I guess part of me hoped he would come more to the fore, realise what a mistake he’d made with this psychotic hangnail of a son, and put a stop to it.

“If you act like a mad dog you will be treated like a mad dog,” the elder Bolton reasoned when Ramsay declared he wanted to march on Castle Black and kill Jon Snow, another bastard but nevertheless a potential Stark claimant to Winterfell.

From Ramsay’s perspective of course, he is setting up his home, his legacy, and hopefully with a returned Sansa, his dynasty. Sure, he’s also a nutbag who likes to kill, but there is some sense of wanting to achieve driving him. And while he is utterly without remorse or mercy, he is not without smarts. Rather than own up to his father’s murder, he orders it to be announced as a poisoning.

If he wasn’t before, he definitely is now the absolute worst character ever on Game of Thrones.

Let’s head to King’s Landing, where a skeevy Cockney geezer is regaling a crowd of barflies about that time he got his wang out and wiggled it at Queen Cersei. Sigh. There’s always one, isn’t there? So proud of it, and feels such a need to brag. Discretion is the better part of valour, gentlemen. And that doesn’t mean give it the nickname “Discretion” either, even if that is a very good nickname for it.

When this jester is later happened upon answering the call of nature by the Zombie Mountain, he manages a few errant tinkles on his colossal armour before the Mountain delivers the best review in the history of comedy - a sharp backwards shove into a brick wall.

Now, beloved Throners, my initial reaction to this violent meeting of brick and brain matter was a loud “WHOA!” followed quickly by a dissolve into giggles. For who amongst us has not wanted to throw a heckle this good? I implore you, Zombie Mountain, critique on! Can you take on *name of Australian comedian deleted for legal reasons* next?

Sadly Zombie Mountain has to leave his contributions to the Westeros entertainment industry for another day, as he is to accompany Cersei to Myrcella’s funeral. Unfortunately for the mourning Queen, the Lannister guards would not allow Cersei to leave the Red Keep, on King Tommen’s orders. There were about 15 guards and only one Zombie Mountain, and yet it was hilarious watching them all twitch at the slightest movement on the Zom’s part. He sure is one big half-dead intimidating murderer.

Inside the Sept of Baelor, Jaime presses his son/nephew (sophew?) Tommen on why he wouldn’t let Cersei attend. It turns out the High Sparrow told the young king that his mother would be refused entry, on pain of imprisonment, due to all that incest and sin and stuff. He also confesses that he feels guilty for not being able to save her and his wife Margaery from the nasty indulgences of the Faith Militant and the High Sparrow. The throne is his, but what has he done to deserve it? What kind of King can’t keep order in his own house?

Jaime of course is insistent Cersei will never be locked up while he’s around, and entreats Tommen to go and see her - a call that becomes more urgent after the Big Bird himself shows up. He explains that the reason for those creepy eye stones placed on every corpse in Westeros is to not fear death, and to embrace the life after.

A stand-off between Jaime and Big Bird soon arises, but the preacher has a secret weapon - poor, nameless, blindly faithful foot soldiers! You might kill me, he tells Jaime, and that’s fine, I deserve it. But religion, as it turns out, is like the Hydra - you cut off one head and three more obedient sheeple pop up in its place. Hail Hydra!

Meanwhile Tommen goes to apologise to his Mommie Dearest, who incidentally is looking rather modern with her chic pixie cut. She gives him the cold shoulder to begin with, literally turning her back on him and acting all distant and hurt. I dunno, maybe she is distant and hurt. But she is Cersei, and so it’s far more likely that she was just waiting for the inevitable grovelling apology. When it comes, she is invigorated. Hearing Tommen say lines like “I should have pulled the Sept down on the High Sparrow’s head before I let them do that to you” must have been a proud moment - that’s top notch Lannister vengeance speak right there. When he asks for her help in being strong, she embraces him. “Always,” she mutters, wrapping up her last remaining baby in her warm embrace. Tommen is home; but moreover, Cersei is home.

Home is looking a lot less secure for the gang of ne’er-do-wells in charge of Meereen. The rebellion against Daenarys is almost complete, with the Slavers taking back the cities of Astapor and Yunkai. Their fleet is now interesting ash patterns on the surface of the harbour, Dany herself has vanished, and her dragons are not eating. All in all, they live in Interesting Times.

Tyrion - He Who Drinks and Knows Things - decides to go on a little bunker reconnaissance mission to hashtag free the dragons. The look on Varys’ face as Tyrion took his brave first steps into the cellar was priceless. He may have been scared for Tyrion; he also may have been taking pity on Tyrion’s man curls.

Dragons, as it turns out, are perhaps more flame-y than cats, but both are difficult to wrangle. Tyrion manages to stave off fiery doom by regaling the draggies with a story about how he’d always wanted a pet dragon, and once entreated his father to get him a small one, just like him.

The bitterness in Tyrion’s voice as he told of how Tywin broke the news that the last dragon died a century before was just beautifully played.

Having gained some trust, Tyrion manages to slip the fastener free from the neck lock holding one of the dragons in chains. That prompts the other one to hint, hey, over here! Let me loose too! Which is something I COMPLETELY empathise with, given that you can’t pet one foster kitten without the others all clambering up and demanding their share. Honestly, life covered in kittens is hard people. It’s HARD.

So the dragons are unchained, but they’re not quite free yet. The door to their underground chamber seemed a tad small, so can we expect to see them blasting their way to the open air like Arnold Schwarzenegger blasted through bad guys in Commando? And by attempting to make their home a little more safe, has Tyrion inadvertently invited more destruction?

Arya appears to have finally gotten her groove back in Braavos. Despite another pitiful fighting attempt against The Waif (whom, by the way, it seems has no fans at all. Poor Waif. Have a sandwich), she is met by none other than Jaqen H’ghar, who seems to run her through a final test of whether she’s still clinging to her identity.

If a girl says her name he will feed her, let her inside the temple, restore her sight. Arya replies “A girl has no name” every time, seemingly confirming her willingness to renounce everything about her Stark life. But can it be for good? With Needle still hidden in rocks outside the House of Black and White, can she ever truly be at home in her new home?

As an aside, was it just me, or did Jaqen H’ghar have a little something sexy going on there? I used to think he was a massive creep, but wow, times have changed, even if that little Ginger Spice-style blond highlight hasn’t. He’s kind of mysterious and interesting. I’m also a cliche.

And so, with the rest of the episode neatly wrapped up, let us tie the bow. Let us talk all things Castle Black, and how the most successful career resurrection since Robert Downey Jr got off the smack and into the metal suit went down.

Jon Snow’s faithful friends, including the mighty and wonderful Ser Davos, vowed to fight the traitorous Night’s Watchmen who have them holed up at crossbow-point. As Ser Alliser Trump commands the door to Jon’s room be axed open, the Onion Knight and friends wait, swords drawn, to meet their doom. Did you notice Ghost’s growl at this point? It was the most chilling, other-wordly sound.

But just as the final axe blows landed, a door break of a different kind happened outside. With the heavy boom sounds, I got excited. It could only mean one thing - the HULK! I mean, the GIANT!

As our main man Tormund Giantsbane and the wildlings poured in like I would pour chocolate syrup over Jon Snow’s abs, some of the Black Brothers started dropping their weapons in defeat. When Giant Man responded to an arrow in the shoulder by grabbing the shooter and smashing him into the stone wall, the rest followed.

Seriously though, did you see that bit where the giant smashed that dude into the wall? Oh man, so good.

So in killing Jon Snow to stop the Wildlings from taking over Castle Black, Ser Alliser ended up guaranteeing it. However it wasn’t apparent if he truly appreciated that Valeryian irony, folded over and over. Now he gets to enjoy it from the comfort of a cell - along with Olly, who was very satisfyingly shut down when he attempted to go all stabby-stabby. Take THAT, you horrible metaphor for corrupted childhood.

Jon, of course, was dead through all of this, and Melisandre was busy moping in front of a fire, game face back on.

It was Ser Davos who approached her with the simple question - does the Lord Commander absolutely positively HAVE to be dead? Surely Kate Bush has some spooky dance/priestess powers that would bring him back? Maybe an acapella rendition of Wuthering Heights? “Jon Snow, it’s me, Meli, now come home, you’re so co-oh-oh-old”?

Mutter, mutter, grumble, grumble, went the Red Woman. It’s not possible, it may have happened somewhere else but shouldn’t have, everything she saw was a lie, she’s shit, blah blah blah. Honestly she sounds like someone I know - wait, me! When I’m having a bad day, I totally get into Melisandramatic moods. She probably just needs some fresh cream sponge cake and kitten time.

Anyway, Davos in this moment gets his Oprah on, telling Kate Bush “F*** the gods! I’m asking the woman who showed me miracles exist,” which is not quite “You get a car!” but enough to convince Melisandre to give it a red hot go.

And so we are treated to the sight of Jon Snow, stripped to naked except for modesty slip of muslin, his “junk mound” (a phrase tweeted at me after today’s episode and one that I would now like to enshrine in recap lore) spectacularly visible.

Can you spot the junk mound? #junkmound

Under the watchful eye of Davos, Dolorous Edd (who acquitted himself marvellously in shutting down Ser Alliser’s stunt), Tormund and others, Melisandre washes his wounds, cuts off strands of his hair, then lays her palms on his chest and utters what we assume are holy words of the god R’hllor, or perhaps catchy new lyrics she’s working on.

She repeats the phrase a number of times, even drops in a desperate “please”, but with no effect. Gradually all of Jon’s friends leave the room, no doubt getting the funeral pyre reading for a bonfire and marshmell-Snow roast.

Eventually Davos is the last one remaining, but even he seems to give up.

You know who didn’t give up. ME.

And yeah, also Ghost.

I loved that Ghost stirred first. I desperately wanted it to happen that way, and I was so delighted when his red eyes opened and the hair on the back of his neck shifted.

We then cut to that face, that beautiful face, and watched as the eyes flung open. BAM! And he inhaled. GASP! And I fainted. THUMP! And then teared up. SOB!

Of course, this opens up a bunch of new questions. But for now, let us just celebrate.

He’s home, everyone. Jon Snow is home.

Yay! Best Moments

Clearly the very final few seconds in which Ghost stirred, then Jon Snow breathed his first.

But that literal comedy smackdown by the Zombie Mountain was pure genius.

Zing! Best Lines

“I’m here to help. Don’t eat the help.” Tyrion to the dragons.

“If I ever have another idea like that, punch me in the face.” Tyrion to Varys after leaving the dragons’ lair.

Eww, gross

Ramsay obviously takes this one again, but I also want to send a big I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU to the Karstarks and other northern lords who have abandoned the Starks and hooked up with the Flayed Men. OK, fine, Robb Stark cut off your Dad’s head but COME ON. Surely Ramsay Bolton is a sub-optimal option?

Boo, sucks

No Daenarys this week, but that’s probably understandable given her Vaes Dothrak storyline has the hallmarks of one that might need to be stretched out a tad.

There’s still no Littlefinger, but more importantly, where is Sam Tarly? I need to make sure he’s OK. For reasons that are entirely plot-related and not just because I may have a secret crush on him.

Thank you so much for joining me again this week. I can't wait to read your comments and thoughts, either here on the 'Burger, or via my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/nataliesthrone

Another reminder that I'm running a Patreon campaign this season. If you like the recaps and wish to become a patron, you can sign up and pledge the suggested $1 per recap. Here's the link: www.patreon.com/girlclumsy.

Valar Morghulis (except, in this case it seems, for Jon Snow!)

90 Responses to ‘Raven On S6E2: Home’

ReadYouIWill mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2016
Yep. What you said. Plus I won a bet with myself that the word abtastic would feature, so yay me. And have to agree with your best lines, cause although i thought last weeks zinger was a valid choice, I'm still chortling over "she thinks you want to eat her baby". Which seems somehow very wrong after today's ep (you knowvwhat I mean).

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2016
Congrats on winning the bet, although, to be fair, the odds were fairly good. :)

wendyemily reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
Nat, last night after our beloved woke up (and by the Gods I cheered!) I just couldn't wait to read your recap. And I wanted to talk to someone who could understand but currently living alone (without kittens or Dragons! Sob!) I had no one to laugh & cry with. Even my children weren't answering their phone. Probably busy watching GoT! But oh, the joy, the profound joy! He lives! And all my bad feelings towards the Red Priestess have now vanished. She rocks!
And I just have to say I loved the rest of the ep too. Tyrion and the dragon scene was priceless and our little friend has the best lines in the show. Ever.
And as for Bolton, boo, hiss, we are waiting for our Beloved to take his vengeance and Winterfell back for all the horrible things Ramsay has done. We shall wait in anticipation.

Another brilliant Ravenon Recap and another brilliant episode!

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vitas would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2016
Oh Littlefinger, isn't he going to be pissed when he finds out his key to the North has done the Harold Holt. Add to that his promise to Cersei to return her.

And how shitty is it that the guy that betrayed and murdered the Starks was the "good" Bolton.

I had this feeling watching it today that we may see a Stark vs Stark vs Snow death-match at sometime, with Sansa on the sidelines screeching how they are ruining everything

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 2, 2016
I just feel like Sansa isn't a sidelines gal anymore...

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Bondiboy66 would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2016
Tyrion really does get all the best lines!

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 2, 2016
So true.

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patrick has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2016
Patreon recap: $1
Being slapped in the face by the twin nipples of plot and character development: priceless

Best recaps in the world .. with the best bosoms.

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted May 2, 2016
We're motorboating our way to recap glory!

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Dylan is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2016
You are literally the best. I was reading the current smh recap this arvo and was just like "eh what is this?" , it's not nearly as entertaining as Raven On!

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2016
I haven't read it fully yet, but I noticed they have a different person to last week. I'll be interested to see if they share it around; will be fun to see different people's opinions!

Louby has opinions thus...

Posted May 9, 2016
Ep 1: Karl Quinn
Ep 2: Lenny Ann Low
Ep 3: ???

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Véronique mutters...

Posted May 2, 2016
Only NOW you are starting to crush on Jaqen H’ghar? Those eyes have held me since his first appearance, whacking Aria's prayer list. And voice. And face.

(Since I'm older, I've been crushing on Ser Davos for a long time too. Jon Snow is clearly overbooked already.)

Thanks for another essential recap!

she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted May 2, 2016
Oh hells yes! I'm with you on Jaqen H'ghar, since season 2. *High five*

girlclumsy puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
Yeah, I totally pinged him as "Creepy Rapey Guy" for the second season, which was the first one I recapped.

Only now am I starting to see his charms.

And I totally get Ser Davos too - honour is very attractive!

sunny asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
IKR? Where have you BEEN Natalie! From the first appearance of Jaqen I was hoping for more - I was so pleased when Arya landed there...

Mother of nothing puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Ser Davos, the "older" woman's Snow. I've always fancied a bit of onion myself

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she_jedi puts forth...

Posted May 2, 2016
Oh man, I couldn't help it when I heard the thumping on the gates of Castle Black and they burst open to reveal Stampy the Giant. That's the second episode in which I've clapped and cheered. This is becoming a habit.

Fantastic recap Nat, thank you so much yet again. I told a Thrones obsessed friend at work today about your recaps and your podcast, and also told him if he didn't love both we could no longer be friends. No pressure or anything.

Does anyone else think JSnow warged into Ghost, and Ghost's waking up was the Snow making it back into his own body again? Or is that just my crazy fan theory?

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 2, 2016
STAMPY! I cannot believe I forgot the nickname I gave him. Next time!

I did wonder about the warging concept - maybe that's why the direwolf wouldn't leave the body, because he knew he might get back in there.

Gingernuts mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
You should keep a list, Nat. I have done for the past two seasons of your recaps.

And it sits proudly next to my list of GoT nicknames from Funny Or Die's "Gay of Thrones" video recaps, which are the second-best recaps found anywhere.

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Mark mutters...

Posted May 2, 2016
I enjoy your recaps almost as much as the show... (well OK perhaps not that much) but you're good, and passionate about your plot (read abs!). You rock.

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 2, 2016
Awww, thanks Mark. :)

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Bob is gonna tell you...

Posted May 2, 2016
Hi Natalie, is there any way people can pay for your reviews without having to register? I think you'd get more that way if there was a guest option.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
I don't know, to be honest. However I've had a few people ask if they could contribute via PayPal, so perhaps I could investigate that as an option.

But honestly, it is totally optional, I just want to repeat that!

Geezer points out mutters...

Posted May 5, 2016
What a fake comment. Not a genuine enquiry, just a reminder from the author to put money in her begging bowl.

Geezer points out puts forth...

Posted May 5, 2016
What a fake comment. Not a genuine enquiry, just a reminder from the author to put money in her begging bowl.

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Mick would have you know...

Posted May 2, 2016
Did you notice how John Snow came back ...... dressed for Mardi Gras. Makes you wonder what he was up to in the after life.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
I feel there wasn't really enough body glitter for Mardi Gras, but that's just me...

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Rhino mutters...

Posted May 2, 2016
You had me at twin nipples.

Speaking of which, I believe someone (Stu) should organize (Stu) a bracket style (Stu) smack down to crown the Best Breasts of GoT.

It will reaffirm the power of the patriarchy. We will sip whisky, smoke cigars and eats candied pig's flesh as we discuss the various attributes of the contestants. Each round, as it were, will be a fierce competition.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it appears that I need to attend to my #junkmound

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girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Look, I will only be a party to such competitive lollygagging when there is equal opportunity. So the show needs more male full frontal. Then we can compare apples with apples, as it were.

#junkmound

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Rhino is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
Will send under the kilt pics later per your request.

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Rhino has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
OK, here's an off-color question, since junkmound is now a thing, in GoT, if a woman's riding pants are tight and ride up, does is it fair to say that she is displaying dragon-toe?

Tones mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Ka-ching..."Dragon Toe"!!! Brilliant, thanks Rhino

Mother of nothing mutters...

Posted May 4, 2016
Excellent. *snorts*

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Tarryn ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yes, Sam Tarly needs more love! I've been crushing on him for the longest time.
I'm exciting to finally see Yara and Bran again. Maybe this is the year for forgotten plotlines to finally recommence. Is perhaps a tired Gendry rowing to shore slated for the near future?

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EFL mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
My Queen - I despaired when I found your throne at the Fairfax Keep usurped by another less worthy monarch. I pledged to search every corner of the internet until I could lay my sword at your feet. Now it with great rejoicing that I have found you. Hail Natalie, First of her Name, Queen of the Recaps, Mother of Kittens and Rightful Heir to the Throne : I offer my service. I will shield your back and keep your council and give my life for yours (or your kittens) if need be. I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
PS - I just read last week's recap and agree with you totally about Dothraki-Python. Hilarious especially because "Nobody expects the Dothraki Inquisition!"
PPS - Isn't BOO HISS Ramsay a completely nasty piece of work! He needs the uppiest of comeuppances at some point in the near future. Maybe squealing like the cowardly man-child we know him to be as either a dragon or the White Walker King eat his face off.
PPSS - Adore your recaps and have looked everywhere for Season 2 but they are harder to find than the Stark children. Any clues as to where I might look?

she_jedi asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
"Nobody expects the Dothraki Inquisition!" Pure gold sir/madam/gender neutral equivalent, pure gold!

Lady EFL puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
Thanks she_jedi! I've always wanted to use that but never found exactly the right time or place. And sorry - name should have been as above but my kitten decided to stomp across the keyboard and hit enter before I could fix it ....

she_jedi puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
It's always kittens! Just as well the adorable little monsters can get away with murder :)

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Rob ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
For those who missed it.

All the other absurdities ended with this:

Man: Can we have a chat?
Priestess: Sure, waddup?
Man: I don't believe in your God, but could you, um, like, you know, bring this dude back from the dead?
Priestess: Hey! What? Um, I don't do that sort of thing. Plus, my God has forsaken me so I give up on everything religous.
Man: But I've seen you do other weird shit
Priestess: OK, you've convinced me, let's give it a crack, never done it myself, I have no idea but somehow I know the ritual so why not!?
Man: Sweet
Priestess: I'll just sponge bath these abs...
Priestess: Hummanna hummanna resurrectus emo-ness self-pity-us my faith is weak and the night is time for sleeping
Priestess: Bugger, I give up
Man: Bugger

Benny Hill troupe leave

Body: I think I'll open my eyes now...

Pathetic. The only way it could get any worse is if it turns out his dad was really the carpenter...

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
This is the same Rob from Facebook, isn't it? It's been a tough 24 hours for you, buddy. You need a kitten. :)

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PK is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
Another great cap. Brilliant to see Balon Greyjoy perish. We've been waiting for that third shoe to drop since Melisandre's leech BBQ in season 3.

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Oh yeah! I forgot about the leeches!

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M'Lady asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Brilliant as always mother of kittens. Seems that by you breaking free from your shackles and moving to cheeseburger gothic has gifted us with longer more awesome recaps. Can you remind us (me because I've forgotten everything) whether Ser Davos knows that Shireen is dead? From memory he does but not how she died / who was responsible etc?

girlclumsy mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
To be fair, I was always long-winded. But there's been so much happening so far! It takes a while to talk about!

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
As for Davos - I don't think he knows that Shireen was burned, but you'd have to suspect that given Stannis is dead and his arm blown to hell, and the fact she hasn't come back means he's holding out little hope for Shireen.

Mother of nothing mumbles...

Posted May 4, 2016
He does know she's dead I'm sure, but he doesn't know how and what Melisdandre had to do with it AFAIK. For me the red lady has not and will never be redeemed after that. I'll be interested to see if she has gets any divine retribution for that despicable act other than a fit of pique and saggy tits. I hope so.

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Sparty2 would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
Well Spock sorry Snow was dead a long time but fortunately he had transferred his Katra to McCoy sorry Ghost so he didn't come back all wrong like Khal Drogo.
Tense ep with standout scene including Tyrions Dragon wrangling but a reference to "empire" earked me. Does the term exist in westerosi- has an empire ever existed?

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Barnesm swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2016
Well this season seems to have picked up the pacing, I heard a rumor that there is to be only 10 episodes after this season to conclude the story.

I would have though Roose Boulton would have been expecting treachery from Ramsey. I half hoped they would have simultaneously killed each other, though its good news for the North since Ramsey while as driven for power as Roose is no strategist. Being stark raving mad will do that to you.

Where can I get my 'I drink and I know things' T-Shirt?

girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
OMG I need to make that t-shirt. DAN. DAN. DAN. (He doesn't read this, he's avoiding spoilers as he hasn't seen the episodes yet).

she_jedi asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
I will throw money at you for a shirt if you do a print run! Dan's done this for SE2KB, I'm sure it's not hard :)

Lady EFL mutters...

Posted May 3, 2016
Oh man ... I want one too. So very much.

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T. MANNING would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
Can a girl un-know that phrase now " junk mound" - I am haunted.

girlclumsy ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
The junk mound is now forever in your mind's eye....

#junkmound

Louby mumbles...

Posted May 9, 2016
Dragon toe. So much better than camel.

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mandois asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yes Roose is gawn - now for that piece of work Walder Frey - or did I miss his death somewhere??

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yes, I've been having a bit of discussion on Twitter with some peeps about how Walder Frey will respond to his daughter and grandson's murder.

While yes, he is prone to getting snarky about snubs (cough Red Wedding), I am leaning towards thinking he won't care as much. After all, he wanted to marry children off because "they pile up". A dead one won't be too much bother.

The loss of the grandson is more likely to have an impact. But then if Ramsay's army is strong enough to route the Twins' defences, then Frey may have to just stew in his own decrepid juices for a while.

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jmound asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Would that Australian comedian happen to be Jim Jefferies? He's the worst!!!! Boooo Hissss Jim Joffre.

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Oh, I have a list, jmound. Love the name, by the way. #junkmound

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flöki snöw mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
I do love a bodice ripping recap and now for Ollie to get his well earned comeuppance and to quote our favourite dwarf "spikes, heads, walls".

she_jedi would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
I couldn't help but jeer and say awful things to Olly as he was dragged away to his cell. Very much in the #StuHatesOlly camp if one is up to date with the recap podcast :)

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Adrian McKinty ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
ok so this is my guess for the arc of S6 now what we all thought was going to happen has happened:

Ramsay and allies v Snow and allies will be the big battle that always happens in ep 9. In the scenes from next week Ramsay's men have captured someone. We're supposed to think it's Theon but I bet it's Rickon. Little Rickon will be flayed. Ramsay will be killed in the big battle.

Dany will cool her heels in Essos and wait until S7.

Cersei will get her revenge on the Dornians and religious nuts.

er, that's about it, really.

S7 will see the Night's King move his army over the wall and set up the apocalyptic battle with Dany and her dragons which I guess is how S8 will end...

girlclumsy asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
That is comprehensive!

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kraimiam asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
"Join me please, as I release the tension in my bosoms and shove the twin nipples of plot and character development right in your face."

Ba ha ha - I just spat coffee all over my keyboard. I love your recaps.

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Dee swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 3, 2016
My favourite line went to Roose. 'I didn't suppose Sansa took them all on by herself.' When talking about Ramsays men being taken out.

girlclumsy would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
Yeah, that was pretty ace. I'm going to miss Roose's put downs, he was sharp as.

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zorm is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
I thought Roose Bolton missed a classic chance at a farewell line. Having him spit out "You bastard!" at Ramsay in his death throes would have been perfect.

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Dave puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
great recaps, a must not miss.

Was it my imagination or did J.Snow's Junkmound rise when the red witch was playing with his abs?

You might need to have another look ( or 2 or 3 )

Theon will finally rid us of Ramsey.

Did you see the re show and post shows last week? Even the actor who plays Ramsey was booed by the crew we had watching, the poor guy will never be able to act in a rom- com.

girlclumsy reckons...

Posted May 3, 2016
Hmmm, I don't recall seeing that, but as a dedicated recappespondent, I shall go back and watch the scene over and over and over and over until I do.

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Sousy wench would have you know...

Posted May 3, 2016
Whilst I was happy to finally catch up with Bran, ecstatic to see the return of Jon, and was all round fairly pleased that those plot threads are starting to pull together after 5 seasons of meandering off in the wild, it was the sight of Hodor that had me running around the house crying Hodor, Hodor?, HODOR!! To the consternation of my very confused cat.

girlclumsy has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
Stupid cats. They don't understand the simple joy of Hodor.

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Dean ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Well well well ... I see Fairfax have a new (female) GOT recapperette who tries to take a sassy/sexy/funny view on the recap ! Now WHERE on earth did they get that idea ? http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/game-of-thrones-season-six-episode-two-recap-finally-the-truth-about-jon-snow-20160502-gojuwj.html

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
The worst part is that she didn't manage to be sassy, sexy or funny! The new recappaspondents don't seem to understand that a good recap isn't simply a recitation of what happened - we know what happened, we watched the episode. We want analysis, and someone's take on what happened. And we want borderline inappropriate jokes about Jon Snow's abs and all the other value adds that Nat chucks in. Hence her recaps being the bloody gold standard in recapping in this country. Not that I'm biased or anything.

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Slim Jim mumbles...

Posted May 3, 2016
I always figured Roose’s knack for keeping Ramsay in line was that smooth baritone voice of his.

He was my favourite character in the series; chiefly because everything he said sounded cool as f*ck.

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Allen has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
Just finished comparing the Age recap with the Nat cap and you win hands down..."release the tension in my bosoms and shove the twin nipples of plot and character development"... indeed... pure gold
By the way, this from someone who does not watch GoT

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Di has opinions thus...

Posted May 3, 2016
Finally, we get an admission - the main man of GOT is Tormund Giantsbane. Mmmmmmm

I was expecting Jon to come back but not that way. I was kinda expecting him to walk out of his funeral pyre aka Dany.

And yes, how is Sam going. And right after Sam, can we have a quick check up on Gendry? Just a quick one. We haven't seen him for 2 seasons, after all.

Barnesm asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
but if Jon Snow walked out of his funeral pyre then would that confirm his Targaryen heritage. They probably want to keep that under their hats a bit longer.

Now Tyrion's turn with the dragons makes me wonder if Tywin hated him because he wasn't a Lanister.

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Mother of Whippets puts forth...

Posted May 3, 2016
I'm not sure what I miss most during the off season ... the show itself or your recaps. “Jon Snow, it’s me, Meli, now come home, you’re so co-oh-oh-old” has had me smiling all day :)

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Lorn is gonna tell you...

Posted May 3, 2016
You rock. That is all.

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The Spinster asserts...

Posted May 3, 2016
Jon's junkmound and Nat's twin peaks belong together, like islands in the stream (or underground mountain cave rockpool). I immediately thought about Natalie's reaction when they cut to Jon in the loincloth and I knew this recap was going to be genius.

Were we supposed to recognise the blonde teenage boy and the knight in the helmet in the preview for next episode? Was is Catlyn's brother who had the very eventful wedding in the helmet?

The Spinster ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
I just realised that Bran is standing watching it, it's a flashback to the tower of joy. Holy shitballs. I bet it's an effing cliffhanger into episode 4 or 5. I cannot even wait a week. Torture. Proper Ramsey Bolton style torture.

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Procrastinati ducks in to say...

Posted May 3, 2016
Being the MoK, I trust you part with the occasional patreonal shekel on kitty litter. I pondered this as Tyrion cautiously entered the dungeon. GoT has rarely avoided the scatological (Cersei's walk and Tywin's death whilst seeking ablution come to mind). Given that Rhaegal and Viserion's hunger strike only began when Daenerys departed Meereen, that they have been downstairs for some length of time and that they are pure carnivores, it occurred to me that there would have been such a "theon" of dragon doo-doo as to knock an imp onto his back. Tyrion didn't even offer a furtive sniff! Further, whilst I am uncertain of the gender assignation of Viserion & Rhaegal, they've been holed up in close proximity with little to occupy them. They appear mature enough - might there be a clutch of eggs hidden away somewhere?

Recap on MoK. As has been noted previously, you reign supreme!

Mother of nothing is gonna tell you...

Posted May 4, 2016
Dragon scat. Never crossed my mind, but now permanently etched therein. I simply love throners.

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girlclumsy mumbles...

Posted May 4, 2016
Holy crap - literally! I never even thought about the dragon poop issue.

Major discussion point for next week's recap, I think. Where's the poop?

Unless maybe, being all flame-y, their stomachs and guts simply smoke the waste away. Maybe there is no waste - OR it's all just wind-related. But still, you'd expect a stench then.

Rhino mumbles...

Posted May 5, 2016
Nah, they keep their nests clean and burn the poo.

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Drogon The Kitten reckons...

Posted May 4, 2016
Mhysaaaa..... A million thanks again for pooting forth with the Raspberry Ripples and layin' yet another "Genus Edition" of Raven On us, your adoring floof balls. I was diggin' the most on the exchange between Yara and Uncle Aeron in the nut numbing waters of the iron graveyard, did he say "Mook" ? Anyway, with the eminent return of Theon The Lesser and Uncle Euron The Cra Cra lurking creepily on the inter-turret, there's gunna be some serious fish slappin' going down in tuna town baby !
My money's on Yara, she's an iron balled boss ready to reap some Pyke on the lowly pretenders, Go Yara !!!

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OE mutters...

Posted May 4, 2016
I profess to be the bluntest instrument of all time.
Nat's intro mentioning Christianty and questionable parentage is one-of-the best. This blog is worth supporting.

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OE puts forth...

Posted May 4, 2016
I profess to be the bluntest instrument of all time.
Nat's intro mentioning Christianty and questionable parentage is one-of-the best. This blog is worth supporting.

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River Duke swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted May 5, 2016
Three cheers for Kayboosh the the magic milf.

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Missed you... is gonna tell you...

Posted May 6, 2016
I just assumed you vanished until a work colleague pointed me over here for this season's recaps. Excellent as always!!!!!!!!

BEST LINES: do NOT agree with the 'punch me in the face' line. Tyrion backs himself, he would not have even said this. Actually he missed an opportunity to have another crack at varys with "well that took balls, lucky I was here huh?"

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