Cheeseburger Gothic

Ibrahim's Grill and Transmission Vector

Posted January 22, 2018 into Food & Drink by John Birmingham

Not being a foot fetishist, I’ve never dreamed of drinking champagne from one of Jimmy Choo’s finely crafted stilettos. I’ve never thought of drinking champagne out of anything other than a champagne flute, or in a pinch, a coupe; one of those shallow, wide-rimmed glasses reputed to have been modelled on Marie Antoinette’s boob.

I’ll allow that taking a sip directly from the royal fun bags might not be terrible. But there I draw the line. I do not want my bubbly wine suggesting a tincture of athlete’s foot. And there’s no way known I’m drinking soup from a shoe. This atrocity was most recently catalogued by the excellent ‘We Want Plates’ campaign and no words can do it justice.

I’ll simply let your eyes feast on what your tummy could not possibly stomach.

At what point in the accelerating collapse of our civilisation did we agree that this bullshit was not just permissible, but worth a business plan? The story of humanity’s climb to the top of the food chain, starts not with our emergence from the primordial ooze, but with our decision to not slurp that ooze from our cupped hands. Anthropologists speculate that we might have started by using sea shells as our dinner bowls, but it was not long before we graduated to agriculture, nation building and dinner plates. Along the way we experimented with eating off rocks and bits of wood or bark, but the inherently superior nature of plates, bowls and cups is shown by the fact that they are found in abundance wherever human beings leave traces of their fallen civilisations. When everything else has been lost to time, a simple porcelain plate endures.

Wooden platters do not endure.

They split and rot and harbour living filth within their cracks and crevices. The term ‘trench mouth’ for ulcerative gingivitis, traces back to the use of wooden trenchers, or shared serving bowls in medieval times. They proved to be excellent transmission vectors for all manner of exciting infectious disease. Our return to these vessels, and worse, is our surrender to entropy. If human progress is no longer possible, why not stick a plastic cup full of tinned soup in a red shoe with a cheese cruller? Nothing matters anymore.

But! But… all is not lost.

A restaurant in the UK was recently fined £50,000 (or eighty-six grand in dollarydoos) for serving bad food on worse letters. After poisoning a dinner party of fourteen guests, Ibrahim's Grill and Steakhouse was ordered by local government health inspectors to stop serving food on cracked, dirty wooden boards. Of course, in the restaurant biz cracked, dirty wooden boards are so fucking hot right now… so Ibrahim kept right on poisoning those fashion-obsessed foodies.

It would be a shame. I think, if this small victory went nowhere. Wooden platters are not the worst things food has been served on, of late. This big fucking chunk of steel I-beam would be in with a shot...

… Were it not for the horror of meat on a clipboard…

Or, seriously, wasps in a biscuit.

The madness must end.

11 Responses to ‘Ibrahim's Grill and Transmission Vector’

Oldy is gonna tell you...

Posted January 22, 2018
...but guzzling beer out of the coach's boot after a football championship win is still ok, right?

Asking for a friend, obviously...

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jl asserts...

Posted January 22, 2018
Strongly agree with above.

One of the most sincerely held desires I had when serving in various unpleasant locales was for normal, won't-give-me-dysentary food served in sanitary conditions with people around me who didn't want me dead. Why would anyone want, short of Siege of Leningrad conditions, a biscuit filled with wasps? Or why eat some repulsive looking repast off of something salvaged from a scrap heap or a garbage dump?

One of the blessings of civilization is readily available, healthy and nourishing food. Damn, people must be bored with life, kind of like those seekers of the Darwin prize who eat Tide detergent pods.

Ennui kills as surely as a bullet. Look no further than the expensive slop on your trendy wooden plate.

FormerlyKnownAsSimon puts forth...

Posted January 24, 2018
i'm glad this fad is dying in the arse.

Saw a funny joke about the tide pods going around the traps (disclaimer, funny cause i'm a dad and it definitely fits in that category):
It's easy to deter girls from eating tide pods but much harder to deter...gents

God. That has lost its shine in less than 24hours :(

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Dave W would have you know...

Posted January 22, 2018
Food served on something that reminds me of a workplace, such as a clipboard (yes, I know, I haven't used a clipboard in decades, but office supplies in general), might drive me to a bigger drinks bill. But I won't go back to that place after the initial unpleasant experience.

John Birmingham puts forth...

Posted January 22, 2018
I think the clipboard is easily the worst one.

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Therbs reckons...

Posted January 22, 2018
This sort of wankbadgery is down to Gen InstagramFoodie ignoring the bit about function in the whole "beautiful" design process. Steve Jobs would be appalled.

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John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted January 22, 2018
There's something amiss with the comments, again. So I'm posting this one by Jim Kable, who emailed it to me.

I spent many years in Japan - and was served food on some of the most spectacular pottery and porcelain - some the work of Living National Treasures (even of some who had passed away - and I don't want to rework that LNT appellation). Commiserations re the wooden platters, etc. - and the drinking from shoes option. Trying to drink out of glass jars is already bad enough!

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jason asserts...

Posted January 23, 2018
I put my hand up to take some of the blame for this. I live in hipster central where this sort of frippery was encouraged and glorified. Sipping a short double shot espresso while riding a fixie after eating off a recycled toilet seat on the way to get an ironic tattoo is a way of life here.

John Birmingham would have you know...

Posted January 23, 2018
You sir, are history's greatest monster.

Dave W is gonna tell you...

Posted January 23, 2018
I am convinced that this is all a sign of the end of days.

Barnesm reckons...

Posted January 24, 2018
If it's not it should be

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