“I work for the horror clown in chief but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.”
Sept. 5, 2018
The Boob is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous column. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior official in the Pennywise administration whose identity is known to us and whose life would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers who may not have noticed that an evil horror clown has occupied the White House and is luring children into the sewers under Pennsylvania Avenue.
Pennywise the Clown is facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern American leader.
It’s not just that a rag tag band of intrepid kids has bravely entered his lair looking to confront him — he’ll almost certainly eat them all — or that the country is bitterly divided over Mr. Clown’s leadership.
The dilemma — which he does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in his own administration are working diligently from within to frustrate his darkest schemes.
I should know. I am one of them.
To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the left. We want this evil administration to succeed and think that many of its policies have already made America the ravaged hellscape we all so fervently hoped for.
But we believe our first duty is to self preservation, and the president continues to act in a manner that imperils us all. Not you. Us!
That is why many Pennywise minions have vowed to do what we can to preserve our lives while thwarting Mr. Clown’s more misguided impulses until he is out of office or he finds the launch codes that General Kelly hid from him and silent white light fills the world to consume the righteous and unrighteous alike in holy fire.
The root of the problem is that the president is an evil horror clown. To be honest this came as a surprise, most especially to the hardened professionals among us. Who’d have thought he was actually deeply principled? But anyone who works with him now knows he truly is moored to those first principles on which he ran. Destroying everything and eating lots of children...