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This, too, Conan finds best

Posted February 1 into Funny by John Birmingham

"Conan, what is best in life?"

To make the yellow light at the intersection with but a fraction of a second to spare, then to savour expressions of your enemies, the other, lesser drivers as they are bathed in the loathsome flash of the red light camera.

Conan, please, what is best in life?
To see a close friend stumble in public, to almost fall, and to regain his footing but only at the cost of great embarrassment. This. This is best. Most especially the embarrassment, but also the clumsiness.

Come now, Conan.
It is also best to find twenty dollars folded into your pocket. Not less, for there is little one can do with less. Not more, for with great riches, or fifty dollars, comes great responsibility. To accidentally find and wantonly spend twenty dollars is indeed best.

Conan, what is best in life?
Not the Celebrity Retweet, but the envy of your closest friends at your Celebrity Retweet.

Conan, is that really what’s best in life?
For Conan there is also pleasure to be had in the awkward, slightly uncomfortable moment when another must hold the door open longer than usual so that I might pass through.

If the door is the entrance to a crowded restaurant or bar, and your long and awkward approach is long enough that a table opens up directly in front of you as you enter? This, this too is best in life. For some reason, greater pleasure is to be had in subterranean venues.

But what is truly best in life, Conan?
I speak true when I say that to freeze frame the TV just as your enemy is blinking so as to appear in the throes of a stroke, perhaps brought on by an explosive and unexpected end to a prolonged bout of constipation, this is best.

Conan, what is truly-ruly best?
To have a water balloon fight with small children in which your superior reach, speed and throw weight allows you to utterly drench them while you yourself remain dry.

Any more, Conan?
To drive one’s wagon to market, and pull into a parking space at the exact moment the wagon immediately in front of you pulls out, allowing you to claim the pull through slot and ultimately to drive away without the inconvenience of reversing, that is best in life.

Conan, is that seriously what is best in life?
The crusty edge on a muffin top also pleases Conan.

You’ve changed, Conan.
Conan does not change, not for mere pleasure, unless it is into a fleecy track suit, fresh from the warm cycle of the clothes dryer. This too Conan finds best.

Conan, there must be more than this.
Only the look on someone’s face as the elevator door closes with them still outside and Conan within, smiling, victorious.

From The Seven Stages of Drinking Martinis.

6 Responses to ‘This, too, Conan finds best’

jl would have you know...

Posted February 1
This was one of the very best from ASB. I laughed so hard I cried.

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insomniac mumbles...

Posted February 1
Yeah, nice.

On the parking, while I still had to suffer the indignity of reversing, I did manage to arrive at the right time to grab a parking spot as someone left, in an otherwise completely busy supermarket car park, and after someone else, who appeared to have been driving around looking for a spot, possibly for some time, gave way to me. That was best, and surprisingly guilt free.

FormerlyKnownAsSimon asserts...

Posted February 1
oh dear god. That is evil. I dread that situation so much that when i build a time machine it won't be to kill baby hitler, it will be to make sure automobiles are never invented so that this situation (the person giving way) will never happen to me. Sure, saving all those people that had died through history due to automobile accidents is just a completed side quest.

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she_jedi puts forth...

Posted February 1
My only regret about the closure of ASB is that JB never wrote an article on Conan vs The Microsoft Security.

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted February 1
Oh man...

she_jedi swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted February 1
IT'S NOT TOO LATE! #Justsayin'

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