Cheeseburger Gothic

How to cook the perfect steak

Posted December 12 into Funny by John Birmingham

Before you start you will need land, lots of land, underneath the starry sky, and you will need to fence it in. Otherwise your tender juicy steaks will wander off. If there is no land available in your local area, you may have to send an invading army through the fence lines of rival steak lords, seizing their ancestral lands and women for your own. If they have yurts, burn them.
When the yurt coals are reduced to an even heat, extract your steak from its container. This will be messy and often distressing, but less so for you than for the steak.
Jamie Oliver recommends feather steak, also known as flat iron steak, but neither feathers nor flat irons are edible, which explains why so many of Oliver’s restaurants have closed.
A simple fillet steak, cut into the shape of a steak, always impresses.
Never cook your fillet cold, because the application of heat causes the molecules of the steak to rapidly move backward and forward in a process we call cooking. Applying cold to the steak will not cook it at all.
Make sure your griddle, fry pan or barbecue plate are similarly hot and cast from iron or you will need to go back to the Bronze Age and restart your civilisation if you want to caramelise your steak for a deliciously crusty outer crust.
When done, your steak must be medium rare, or else there was no point to any of this. If perfect steaks were just lying around all over the place and not even mediumly difficult to find, this whole exercise would collapse under the weight of its inherent contradictions.
Do not, under any circumstances, allow the steak to toughen up. It will learn Krav Maga and then it will be you on the iron griddle and the steak boasting to all its friends as it sticks a fork into your rump.
Rubbing the steak all over with olive oil is sexy.
So very, very sexy.
Add your steak to the hot pan and cook for six minutes, turning every minute to make sure nobody is sneaking up on you.
Rub the steak with half a garlic clove as you turn. Your screams as you burn the tips of your fingers will unsettle whoever was sneaking up on you. Put your burned fingertips into a knob of butter.
This is also a little sexy.
If you want to go the extra mile for your guests, walk a mile into the woods and create a herb brush by tying woody herbs like thyme and rosemary to a stick. Unless they followed you, your guests will never find out how you did that.
Once cooked to your liking, rest the steak. Some Netflix and a little day time drinking. We all need me time. Your steak will come back to the game refreshed and stronger than ever.
We all have our favourite ways to eat steak, but increasingly I’m turning to the old ways and using my mouth.

15 Responses to ‘How to cook the perfect steak’

insomniac puts forth...

Posted December 12
I agree with much of this, not all though, but only at the periphery. The fundamentals are strong.

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Spanner would have you know...

Posted December 12
Medium rare? BLASPHEMY

We the TRUE eaters of steak have it rare or mildly frightened. I declare a jihad on you unbelievers.

spankee mutters...

Posted December 13
Wipe its arse and walk it thorugh a warm room I say.

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andrew asserts...

Posted December 12
My favourite steak-cooking involves the extra degree of difficulty that comes when the steak starts out as a Wagyu. These tend to burst into flames under the slightest provocation, and once alight are self-sustaining. So the heat needs to be just-so. The rewards for success are significant though. I tend towards freshly ground black pepper and a little salt, rather than herbs, but the choice is yours. Olive oil on Wagyu exacerbates the combustion, in my experience, so I avoid it now.

jl mumbles...

Posted December 12
What you suggest sounds truly amazing.

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Barnesm reckons...

Posted December 12
"you will need to go back to the Bronze Age and restart your civilisation" damit! put this at the start of the instructions..

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Bondiboy66 asserts...

Posted December 12
Needs more salt. Olive oil, rub some salt in, Cook more or less as above. Drink beer while cooking - this is important. Or wine if you must. Hydration will save you from fainting over your hot cooking implement/fire/energy transfer device. Rest the steak in your belly!

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tqft swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted December 12
For science only of course I am going to try something newish next week.

Aldi is selling smoking bags (Mesquite and Hickory).

So when I have to entrain/cook for my brother in law next week I think, or even better just myself, going to put some steak, corn on cob and maybe some sweet potato in bag. Put bag in cast iron camp stove. Put camp stove on bbq hot plate burner and cook while drinking beer.

Then when the time (?) is up, see if it worked.

she_jedi has opinions thus...

Posted December 12
We need a full report on this, including UAT and QA testing. For science, you know.

jl ducks in to say...

Posted December 12
This thread is making my mouth water.

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Ceramic mumbles...

Posted December 12
Haha, I love it "deliciously crusty outer crust." It feels like you're taking the piss out of "serious literary writers". Yeah? Nah?

OMG, turn every minute? I would have thought it would dry the steak out!?

Hmm yeah man, I grow thyme, and rosemary bushes are across the street. Got a wicked garlic butter recipe with fresh thyme, parsly, chives,, paprika and salt cuby things. My homemade lamb seasoning is salt, dried rosemary, chilli bits, pepper and fried onion. Soo good.

she_jedi mumbles...

Posted December 13
Heston Blumenthal advocates turning every minute, and demonstrates with science (SCIENCE!) why this will a) not dry the steak out and b) locks the juices in and makes it more tender. Track down the beef episode of How to Cook Like Heston :D

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Ceramic is gonna tell you...

Posted December 15
Oh man. That thermal imaging camera made me understand the turning frequently. Cheers She Jedi!

she_jedi asserts...

Posted December 16
How good was it??? I was instantly sold on the turning frequently thingy.

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Dick reckons...

Posted December 17
Did this last night with a scotch fillet on the Webber. Very noice.

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