Cheeseburger Gothic

Yes Virginia, Die Hard is a Christmas Movie

Posted December 23 by John Birmingham

Dear Sir,

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. Papa says "If the movie is at Christmas, it is so." Please tell me the truth, is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

My Dear Virginia,

Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the fake news of a skeptical age. They believe nothing except that which they see in their Facebook feed, which tells you everything you need to know about just how little are their minds.

All minds, Virginia, whether they be officer John McClane’s or international super villain Hans Gruber’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, but not like Ant-Man who has super powers and should be set aside as an outlier for the purposes of this discussion.

Yes, Virginia, Die Hard is a Christmas movie as certainly as love and generosity and teams of international super criminals exist to provide bullet magnets for maverick outsiders like maverick New York police officer John McClane.

Alas. How dreary would be the world if Christmas movies could only be released at Christmas. Should we have no enjoyment, no eternal light just because of a scheduling issue? It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias! There would be no yuletide joy for most of the year, which is why the producers of Die Hard released it in July, which is often celebrated in the southern hemisphere as a second Christmas anyway.

Your friends do not believe in the murderously festive magic of Die Hard? You might as well not believe in fairies or the ability of a barefoot man to run across a room full of broken glass when most barefoot men will not even venture into a room with a single lego piece waiting for their unprotected footfall.

You might get your cynical little friends to watch Die Hard with you and play a drinking game in which they must throw down a shot every time Christmas busts a move in the Die Hard Christmas movie. Then, when they regain consciousness the next day and find themselves sickeningly hungover, point them at the 2015 edition of Empire magazine which voted Die Hard the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Not just a Christmas movie, Virginia. The greatest.

Ah, but what would that prove? Only that you and I are right and everybody else is wrong.

Nobody sees Christmas in Die Hard, who cannot find the joy of Christmas in 132 minutes of homicidal violence and gratuitous undershirt wearing.

The most real things in this world are those that neither children nor men can see, like why since the international super villains’ whole plan relies on the FBI cutting power to the building so they can open the vault to steal the bearer bonds, they don’t just use their own obviously extensive knowledge and control of Nakatomi Plaza to cut the power themselves?

Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world, Virginia, particularly when they are found in Christmas movies, like Die Hard which is definitely a Christmas movie. For instance, you kill a criminal pretending to be a terrorist and send him back to Hans Gruber in an elevator with a snarky note because this is somehow a better plan to protect your wife, who’s already ticked off with you, than simply killing the guy and stealing his detonators to thwart a critical part of Gruber’s plan. But Virginia, there is a veil covering the unseen world and a Santa bonnet covering that dead terrorist criminal when the elevator doors open and the snarky note to Hans reads “Now I have a machine gun. Ho Ho Ho.”

Virginia, not the strongest man, or even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could shift the immovable truth of that stiffening corpse in a Santa hat and the magic of the words "Ho Ho Ho”

Die Hard not a Christmas movie? Virginia, a thousand years from now, maybe ten times 10,000 years from now, maverick police officer John McClane will still be walking across broken glass, stealing machine guns and detonators, and humorously murdering Hans Gruber’s henchmen before dropping Hans a couple of hundred floors to his death and he will do it all and always on Christmas Eve, with complete legal impunity to make glad the hearts of children and those of us who are but children at heart.

Merry Christmas, Virginia.

From The Seven Stages of Drinking Martinis.

9 Responses to ‘Yes Virginia, Die Hard is a Christmas Movie’

Barnesm has opinions thus...

Posted December 23
Damn right it's a Christmas Movie.

Respond to this comment

insomniac puts forth...

Posted December 23
I can't believe that's even a question.

Respond to this comment

tqft mumbles...

Posted December 23
The Long Kiss Goodnight is a better Xmas movie

John Birmingham mumbles...

Posted December 23
It is an excellent Christmas movie, with outstanding motherfucking dialogue. But it was not voted the Greatest Christmas Movie Ever.

Respond to this thread

Dirk is gonna tell you...

Posted December 23
By virtue of the fact that Christmas over here consists of two days (Boxing Day is known here as 2nd Christmas Day) one is considering one of the holiest acts one can do. The Die Hard Binge ... One might utter the holy words: "I am too old for this shit. to which the congregation answers with a solemn "Yippikayee, MotherFucker".

For was this not for told in that other sacred text, The Gospel of Browning ,,, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0qe45Z8wfk

Burgers, may I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy 2020, subtly decorated with 'splosions and mayhem.

John Birmingham is gonna tell you...

Posted December 24
Merry Christmas to to you, mate.

Respond to this thread

Barnesm asserts...

Posted December 25
This one seems to have blown up on facebook, weird how some generate lots of responses others not so much. I bet its a secret the FB team is desperate to discover.

Respond to this comment

AgingGamer puts forth...

Posted January 5
You know what is a great companion to watching Die Hard at Xmas? The Fir Hard the board game:

https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/275785/die-hard-nakatomi-heist-board-game

I got a copy for my birthday late last year and it is excellent fun. Plus you can now live your fantasy by playing as John McLean. Yippie ki yay Melon Farmers!!

John Birmingham has opinions thus...

Posted January 6
Holy sheet!

Respond to this thread

Respond to 'Yes Virginia, Die Hard is a Christmas Movie'

Follow along with RSS