Cheeseburger Gothic

Cease and desist

Posted March 16 by John Birmingham

Mr Zhao Lijian
Foreign Ministry Spokesman
People’s Republic of China

Dear Mr Zhao

We represent Mr John Birmingham, international super author. It has come to our attention that you, in your role as spokesman for the Foreign Ministry of the People's Republic, have recently published via the microblogging service hereinafter referred to as ‘Twitter’, numerous works of fiction, hereinafter referred to as ‘tweets’ suggesting the US military might have deliberately infected the People’s Republic with the novel coronavirus.
This is an unauthorised use of Mr Birmingham’s copyrighted works, ZERO DAY CODE and FAIL STATE published exclusively in audiobook form and available for purchase right now at all good audiobook retailers as long as they are Audible.
You neither asked for nor received permission from our client to use his tremendously exciting and strangely prescient novel as the basis for your tweets. The People’s Republic of China has infringed our client’s copyright under numerous international statutes and could be liable for statutory damages and a most ferocious snubbing at the next meeting of the Author’s Guild.
We demand that the People’s Republic immediately cease the use and distribution of all exciting end-of-the-world narratives which were sourced from Mr Birmingham’s well reviewed audiobook about a desperate and collapsing US military deploying weaponised viruses to the Chinese mainland. The consequences for non-compliance could be grave, not just for the People’s Republic, but for you personally, Mr Zhao. Many, many book reviewers who have displeased our client have come to regret their precipitate actions when they found themselves coming to a sticky end in later volumes of Mr Birmingham’s works.
If we have not received an apology indicating that you intend to meet our requirements by close of business today, we shall immediately commence proceedings to recover damages or at the very least a couple of five star reviews from you.
On a personal note, our client advises us that your story as published, while serviceable for a first draft, could benefit from some structural work and a more personalised antagonist than something as vague as ‘the US army’. He is wiling to offer you a ten percent discount on his fiction writing masterclass upon production of this letter and the offer code COVID-19.

Yours sincerely
Mr Birmingham’s very expensive lawyer.

7 Responses to ‘Cease and desist’

insomniac asserts...

Posted March 16
You shouldn't be settling for anything less than a 6 star review

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jl mutters...

Posted March 16
This. This pleases Conan. Not as much as bathing in the blood of Asroth the Sea Demon. But still very good.

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FormerlyKnownAsSimon asserts...

Posted March 18
I've been sitting around with a smug smile on my face saying "ha. Birmo wrote about all this in his books. He's ahead of the curve, this is hilarious" . . . . . but i'm starting to change my point of view. In the shopocalypse there are seven stages: Bemusement, Ridicule, Anger, Disappointment, Sadness, Acceptance and Assimilation. Currently in Disappointment. Figuring by the time i hit Assimilation i'll need a piece of 2x4 with some nails in it just so i can get a tube of toothpaste to squeeze into my tea.

jl mutters...

Posted March 18
bicycle chain and an entrenching tool.

insomniac ducks in to say...

Posted March 18
Steal some OAP's Seniors Card and go to the supermarket early in the morning. The oldies will be easier to push aside without having to resort to violence.

Dave W is gonna tell you...

Posted March 18
I hit acceptance and assimilation on the weekend. We're just in the demand-shock phase of this thing. I sincerely hope that we don't have to go through supply-shock where 10-20% of our logistics workforce is off sick or just in isolation. But if we do, then I think the real problems start and we'll be trying to work out where we put the defensive barricades up on the homestead to effectively keep out roaming looters.

FWIW- shortened star-picket for the win.

jason is gonna tell you...

Posted March 18
i live in a multi cultural part of the world and the shelves are still full of a lot of food because the skippys don't know what it is.

I would also recommend fly spray as the weapon of choice for subduing the ravaging hoarders.

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